2 Broke Girls s05e16 Episode Script

1 Earl, I told you to mop the entrance.
That floor is dirtier than Bob Saget at a Comedy Central roast.
[bell dings.]
You know what it sounds like you need, cranky lady? A Midol and a Dove bar.
You watch it, too, Oleg.
Like Earl's hip, you can be replaced.
Have you noticed since Max and Caroline have been away, Han is getting a little big for his bitches? Did I say bitches? 'Cause I meant to.
I will not be bossed around by someone 40 years younger than me.
He is not my second wife.
I am calling diner security.
[phone ringing.]
What's up, Earl? I mean, besides your blood pressure.
When are you coming back? We're coming back tomorrow night.
Caroline's about to sign the movie contract, which means I don't have to come home UPS Ground.
Are you on the phone with the diner? I feel like I can smell it.
(Earl) I don't think any of us are gonna make it past tomorrow.
Han's been walking around like he owns the place.
I do own the place! (Peter Bjorn and John) Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh [cash register bell dings.]
Boy, Uber drivers do not like to be tickled.
And speaking of things no one would see coming, I used the F-word with Randy.
Who wouldn't see that coming? You use the F-word all the time usually around children or clergy.
No, the F-word as in "future.
" Max, you made plans for the future? You won't even make dinner plans with me.
You always say, "Who knows if we'll still be friends by then?" Well, you always ask me, like, five hours ahead of time.
Max, I'm gonna go ahead and use the C-word.
I'm calling you and Randy a couple.
I'm gonna say something, and I don't want it to go to your head.
You're right, bitch.
See, Max, it all worked out, right up until what I'm about to say right now.
We have to take the shuttle to the airport tomorrow, 'cause we're still poor for another 27 business days.
Let's go out in style and get a party bus.
After all these years, we still have such different concepts of style.
Come on! With a stripper pole and a Crock-Pot of cocktail weenies.
I danced on a party bus for a year, not for money.
We are not taking a party bus.
This isn't your super sweet 16.
I didn't have a sweet 16.
I was in plumbing school.
Hey, everybody.
I don't know what's going on, but people on the elevator were looking at me funny.
Sophie! What? Do I have spinach in my teeth? Uh, no spinach, but about 25 needles stuck in your face.
Yeah, they're helping me get pregnant.
My healer Audra sent me to Mao, the acupuncturist to the stars.
Yep, he's poked more famous people than John Mayer.
Sophie, you're not supposed to leave with those needles, just like we're not supposed to leave with these vases.
Tell you what, I'm gonna do what I used to do for my Aunt Becky at the Elks Lodge.
I'm gonna get some pricks out of your face.
Max, do you think Randy invited me to dinner to witness him asking you to be bi-coastal? 'Cause I don't think this mascara's waterproof, and I'm definitely gonna cry happy and a few jealous tears.
I'm never been bi-coastal.
I was bisexual for a week, but that's mostly because I was hitchhiking.
There they are.
Oh, this is the table where we first met, and you thought I was a cheap hooker.
And you were only half right.
Here they come, more jealous than I expected.
Let's celebrate.
It's a big night for both of you.
Caroline, your movie deal closed, and Max, I found your sock.
It was under my refrigerator.
Oh, that makes sense.
I was trying to fish an M&M out from under there with a fishing hook I made with a fork and my sock.
I was so excited about getting the M&M that I abandoned the sock.
Max, you know you don't have to eat candy that fell on the floor anymore.
I still will, but it's nice to know I don't have to.
Oh, my God, your whole life is changing.
We're just waiting for someone else.
Oh, no, did you invite a guy for me? I wish I'd known, 'cause I only shaved up to the bottom of my dress.
It's not a date for you.
It's someone here for me and Max.
Wow, I don't usually bring up threesomes till the one-month mark when things start to go stale.
Oh, definitely wasn't picturing this guy.
Hello, I'm Elliot Charles.
Okay, two first names, slightly more interesting.
So doing the orgy math here, there's four of us, and out of the four, Max and I can't touch naked.
Her rule, not mine.
Oh, I'm not here in a sexual capacity.
I'm Randy's therapist.
And I guess we should get started.
I do have a 9:00 in the valley.
A 13-year-old girl is coming out to her vegan parents as meat-curious.
Um, what's happening? Look, Max Elliot? Look, Max, my patient, Randy, is breaking up with you.
(both) What? Max, I know this sounds abrupt.
Elliot? Max, in my practice, I developed the ripping-the-Band-Aid-off technique.
You'll read about it in my book someday, if I ever finish it, but that's between me and my therapist.
He's not speaking to me right now because of a couch spill.
And I'd be mad as hell about it if I didn't completely understand it! And now, again, what's happening? Because it seems like you're breaking up with me using a therapist.
It does seem that way.
Elliot? He is breaking up with you using a therapist.
Look, Randy? Caroline.
Look, Elliot, you tell Randy to be a grown-up and break up with her over text.
At least send her a "Bye, Felicia" bitmoji.
- Let's go.
- Max, don't go like this.
Elliot, don't let Max go like this.
Max, you're hurt.
You're feeling abandoned.
What would be really helpful to you right now is my book, if I can just get one chapter on paper.
I think people would benefit a lot from the book.
Well, we're leaving.
This is shocking, and it's really hard to shock me since that time I saw a mouse dry-humping a potato on my couch.
You know what? You can keep my sock.
On second thought, I need it.
Max, wait.
I am just gonna go, because the last time I was this mad, someone lost an eyebrow.
And it took me a long time to grow it back.
Thank you.
Max, hurry! We have to leave now to take Sophie to the healer and still be at the airport by noon.
I brushed your hair when you were passed out.
I can't move any faster.
I think this escalator's broken.
I tried to stop you from drinking bottle number 32, which was sriracha.
But you tied me to that chair so well.
Well, since drinking that hot sauce, I've been tied to a different chair.
I have something to make you feel better.
I doubt it.
Unless it's a diaper full of ice.
It's not that.
I'll meet you outside.
Okay, okay, remember that party bus I never wanted and you probably don't want now? - Surprise! - Good timing.
I'm feeling suicidal, and I've always wanted to be buried in something like this.
Aw, come on, Max, cheer up.
You're getting two poles for the price of one.
This is the first time a party bus hasn't fixed every problem I have.
Well, you haven't seen my "Stars and Stripes Forever" routine.
[hums John Sousa's "Stars and Stripes Forever".]
Um, Bert, is this rum supposed to have a cigarette butt in it? If you gonna puke, please aim for the floor.
I can hose it down.
Otherwise, I'm finding corn in the pleather for months.
Well, if I throw up today, it's not 'cause I'm having fun.
I'm just happy because, finally, there's ladies in the bus not wearing penis helmets.
Nope, they were all out of penises, so I had to settle for balls.
Here, girls.
Nope, I will day drink on a bus, but I will not put balls on my head.
And you wonder why you're single.
Ugh, there's that crazy expensive sushi place where Randy and I ate.
And there's the taco place we had to eat at afterwards 'cause we were still hungry.
Max, please, you have to put Randy behind you.
And there's the parking spot where I put Randy behind me.
Bert, did we sign up for the Hollywood relationship death tour? If so, I'd like to hit the Affleck-Garner house.
And right up there is where he lives.
We'd make a right at that super ripped homeless guy, and in two or three blocks, we'd be at Randy's house.
Oh, no, "we do this," and "we do that.
" She's "we"-ing.
As long as nobody wees on the seats, we'll be fine.
Bert, turn off there, up that street.
No, wait, what are you doing? You're getting closure.
I want him to face you without that lame therapist.
Just you and him face-to-testicle.
Ladies, just how stalker-y are we getting here? Like a drive around the cul-de-sac? Or a full-on Demi Moore outside of Mila Kunis' yoga class? Ooh, there it is.
Up there on the left.
Yep, there it is.
And there he is letting the dog out.
Oh, and he's only wearing a towel.
Ah, yeah.
Now I get it, Max.
Bert, go.
This was a bad idea.
No, this is a great idea.
I am not letting you take this bad feeling back to New York.
Bert, open the door.
I'm going out.
Bert, close the door.
Let's roll.
[knock at door.]
I, uh, wanted to put some clothes on, but Caroline wouldn't let me.
Oh, that's the smartest thing Caroline's done since I've met her.
Max.
(Max) I'm not here.
Max, I can see your balls behind that pillow.
I can see your balls behind that Sophie! Come on.
This is sad.
Oh, well not from where I'm sitting.
Max, I'm sorry about the way I handled things.
I just don't know how to break things off.
It's why I was the lawyer on the last three Adam Sandler movies.
Why? I just need to know why.
Because I'm too young? I'm too old? Is there someone else? You're married? You're gay? With a body like that, gay is definitely on the table.
You want the truth? I like you too much.
That's why I didn't break it off sooner.
I didn't want it to end.
That's why you're breaking up with me? Because you like me too much? At least have another family in Mexico.
Max, I've done the long-distance thing.
It's just putting off the inevitable.
You have a life there.
I have a life here.
It doesn't work.
Please don't hate me.
Be easier if I could.
Yep, here they come.
Pardon me? Are we still firing your housekeeper today? Oh, nice hat.
Confirms that theory that women in LA are the ones with balls.
This is it, girls.
This is where my healer does all her magic.
Yeah, you know, she must sweat a lot doing it, 'cause it smells like it looks in here, right? What do you think's in those jars? Every fart that's ever been held in at yoga? Are you okay, Max? I guess.
I just wish you told me closure feels like someone just slammed my nuts in the trunk of a Pontiac.
Sophie, we have to be at the airport in an hour.
Yes, but Audra is my last chance at getting pregnant.
She'll be ready when she's ready.
I mean, look around.
She's a professional.
[humming.]
Have you seen an orange cat? A little depressed, Sagittarius? Wait, Garfield lives here? Audra, this is Max and Caroline.
You know, I rarely say this to a lady, but oh, put a baby in me.
Absolutely.
Hmm? You think you don't okay.
Go ahead.
I'm sorry, I'm just conferring with my spirit guides.
Well, if you all talk at once, I can't understand you.
Got it.
They're telling me that someone here just had their heart broken.
It's you.
Oh, my God, Max.
Come closer to me.
Come over here.
Oh, gosh, thanks a lot.
You're bogarting my witch.
These spirits don't lie.
Mm-mm.
A little too honest sometimes.
I mean, I didn't ask them if they like my bangs, but they sure told me.
It was a whole thing.
You don't need to help me.
I'll get over the Randy thing.
I've been through worse things, like this right now.
No.
They're insisting that I help you.
Grab me a jar.
That's where we store the pain and lentils, once you're healed.
Great.
No guy, but now I have a middle-aged lesbian lover.
[chanting, humming.]
[chanting, humming.]
All right, it's out.
I thought I was gonna have to move to a bigger jar.
You must've really liked this guy.
He was okay.
Well, he's crushed.
He really liked you too.
Never thought a jar could make me feel better that wasn't filled with peanut brittle.
Oh, please, spirits, put a baby in me! All right, here we go.
Quiet, everybody.
Let me just close the door.
Okay.
Oh, wait.
There's still some other unrest here.
[chanting, humming.]
Oh, no, that's way too big.
It's something else.
Oh, really? Oh, you're telling Sure, sure.
Okay.
Hold on.
I can't put a baby in you.
(both) Sorry, Sophie.
You can't? You made me put needles in my eyes.
Put me on with them.
Hey, I'm on your side.
Her bangs are ridiculous.
Hey, Earl, we're back.
Hi, girls.
Let me be the first to say welcome back, and also, my deepest sympathies.
How are you, Max? I just flew in from LA, and boy, are my arms tired from hitting the person next to me.
They would not stop fidgeting.
I had to pee, and you wouldn't let me out.
Max, Caroline, you're back! I mean hello, how are you? Han, did you miss us? Oh, please, I miss you like America misses Radio Shack.
Surprisingly, it left a hole.
I saw you leave a hole once on Groundhog Day.
Max, Caroline, where's Sophie? I missed her so much.
You know what they say: absence makes me have to masturbate almost constantly.
So what did the healer say? We'll let her tell you.
Hey, everybody! I'm back from California.
[with Californian accent.]
I hope I didn't, like, totally pick up an accent, dude.
Oh, I was worried Jeremy Renner would make you the last thing he'd ever be in.
And I was worried you'd say something exactly like that.
Well, I'll be in my booth.
So what did the healer say? How soon can we get a baby in you? Oh, well, the truth is, Oleg, the healer said that she wouldn't be able to help me get pregnant.
Oh, Sophie.
Why not? Well, the reason that I can't get pregnant is I'm already pregnant! Yeah! I'm gonna be a father? Yes, I'm three months along.
Yeah, no, that's the last time I'll buy a pregnancy test off a boat.
Well, let's bust out the very cheap, non-alcoholic champagne.
Non-alcoholic? Yeah, Sophie can't drink when she's pregnant.
Oh, all right.
Well, then, the five martinis that I had on the plane were my last.
[cash register dings.]