American Dad s05e16 Episode Script

# Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day # # The sun in the sky has a smile on his face # # And he's shining a salute to the American race # # Oh, boy it's swell to say # # Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # Good morning, U.
S.
A.
## You guys see my rad new camera? I'm pursuing a newfound passion crime scene photography.
Ooh, like the guys on CSI? Yes, Klaus.
Remember we were watching CSI together and I was like, "I want to do that!" and you were like, "You totally should"? - Ring a bell? - Not at all.
Are you sure you weren't just high on angel dust talking to the ceiling fan? Oh, that's right! Anyway, I need a portfolio of some gruesome, hard-to-Iook-at photos.
And I'm not talking about shots of the new Asian Kenny Rogers, so don't even make that joke.
Don't got the time.
Oh! My first photo! I took down the stop sign on Forest Wood Drive.
Looks like I got a bite! Steve's up! Morning, every- I'm okay! Steve, a homosexual giant called.
He said he wants his shirt back.
- Hello? - False alarm, baby.
It was under the daybed.
Sorry for the confusion.
Gotta go.
I blamed a lot of people for this one.
Turns out he found it.
So, whose shirt is that? Mine.
The guy at the store told me it was a small but when I got home and took it out of the bag, it was a double X.
L.
So? Take it back.
Oh, I already opened the package.
What if he doesn't let me return it? I don't prefer confrontation.
Son, go upstairs, find your nads they're probably in your Lego tub then go back to that store and demand the correct size! Leave Steve alone.
He's a gentle soul, and I love him for it.
And I love you, Mama Bear.
I'm not okay! Is Steve always this passive? God, I better look into this.
Oh, you're worrying about a hill of bananas.
Am I? I don't think so.
By the way, "hill of bananas"? I like that.
Is that a real expression? No.
Good for you! Okay, kid, let's see how wimpy you really are.
Oh, God.
That's peppery.
It's all right, sugar.
We'll cross together.
Brenda's got you.
You're her whole world right now.
Brenda's my dead cousin.
She's watching over both of us.
French bread pizza! My favorite! Come on, Steve, do something! Oh, don't start crying.
Why are you pulling out your cell phone? Who are you calling? Daddy! Pick me up! I'm sick! Oh, hell, no.
- Hey.
Hey, boy.
- Dad! - What are you doing? - I was gonna meet the guys at the new park.
But I didn't realize it was gonna be so hilly.
Can I get a ride to the top? No way.
Jose, listen.
Obstacles are meant to be overcome.
Rise to the challenge and get up that hill.
Go play with your friends in the park.
Nah.
Toshi will text me a picture.
Between me and you, I just want to see the landscaping.
You shy away from- Oh, God! Oh, my God! You shy away from every challenge.
- I'm shy.
- Well, you can't shy away from a crate of oranges.
A crate of oranges? Yes.
Imagine someday you live in a four-story walk-up apartment.
- What? Like a brownstone? - Yes, like a brownstone.
Now, you've got to get a heavy crate of oranges upstairs.
- I don't really like oranges.
- They're for your mother.
She's waiting in your apartment for them.
Oh, yay! Mom's visiting? I can't wait to show her the city.
No.
She's not visiting.
She's sick.
And she needs those oranges.
Oh, geez.
Well, I'll just pay someone to bring them up.
Pay someone? No.
That's no way to solve your problems.
Look, she needs those oranges.
She's dying, okay? She's got scurvy.
Without those oranges, she'll be dead by morning.
Oh, my God! Mommy, no! Whew! Long mission.
China be huge! What up, Demi? Where Whoopi at? You probably don't know that movie.
How old are you? How old am I? Hey, Reggie.
So you just get back? Yeah.
Now I'm on a bigger mission.
To ask you out.
Yes! I mean, yeah, sure, whatever.
I get it.
You're playing it cool.
You know that is my signature temperature.
In fact, I am so cool, I'm-a go pick up myself one of those polyester-style jackets.
What do you call them? They're kind of slippery.
They swish- Windbreaker.
That's the word.
Girl, you did not help me at all there, did you? Well, I took the day off to follow Steve yesterday.
- Turns out I was right to be worried about him.
- You followed Steve all day? Yeah.
I do stuff like that.
Followed you last week.
I don't know what you thought was in your butt-hole in the Target parking lot but you were- you were really trying to find it.
Anyway, Steve avoids every obstacle.
He's a total wimp.
When I was a kid, you used to get your ass kicked if you were a wimp.
Stan, stop.
He's a good kid.
He does well in school.
He's not on drugs.
Love him for who he is.
Hi.
Called in a "to go" order for a P.
B.
and banana on wheat.
That'll be two kisses.
Ooh, I only got a five.
I'm gonna need change.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
And three's your change.
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
Seriously, what were you trying to get out of your butt? It was just itchy.
I don't believe you.
# Raise your hand if you're a happy dude # # I am, I am # # Shake your tush if you like Chinese food # # I do, I do # Dad? - Out here I'm not your dad.
- What are you talking about? You're afraid of confrontation, you avoid physical challenges - and as soon as anything gets difficult, you give up.
- So? So? You're a wimp! And you need a bully to toughen you up.
Well, now you got one- me.
- Now, give me your lunch! - Stop! Get off me! Yeah, that's what your mom said last night! Whoa.
Slow down there, champ.
How was your day? Bad.
It-It was bad.
Oh, no.
What happened? I- I got beat up.
Sounds like you got a bully.
Yeah! It's you! Hmm? I'm not sure what you're talking about.
I had a bully once.
Stelio Kontos was his name.
He was as mean as he was Greek.
He made my life a living hell.
He totally tormented me.
One time he made me keep a live bat in my underpants all day.
Gave me ass rabies.
My anus was frothing like a cappuccino.
Anyway, that olive-skinned bastard made me into the man I am today.
The kind that bullies his own son? Right.
You see, Steve, the good thing about bullies is they don't just go away.
You're forced to deal with them.
- How did you deal with Stelio? - Mmm, good story.
He moved away.
But your bully's not going anywhere.
So deal with him.
You'll be better off for it.
Steve! Oh, my God! Who did this to you? Better not say a fuckin' word, or I'll kill you.
It was not Dad.
Okay, it wasn't Dad.
Good.
We're narrowing it down.
Who else can we cross off the list? I don't think you'd do this to yourself.
That's two.
I know I didn't do it.
This is coming together.
I sprained my wrist! You don't know that.
You're not a doctor.
I'm taking this.
What are you gonna do about it? I- I-I don't know.
Stand up for yourself.
Fight me.
Well, I'm gonna mount this and ride it hard like I did to your mom last night.
Sorry.
Oh, come on, man.
You got to let me on.
I'm trying to create a moment with this girl.
I respect this bitch.
I love this bitch.
Oh, I'm a sucker for love.
Wrap your arms around that bitch.
Never let her go.
Come on, baby.
Our chariot awaits.
Hayley? Jeff? Hey! I thought that was you.
- You look awesome, babe.
- You look great too.
I thought you were in Jerusalem trying to track down the inventor of the everything bagel.
I was.
But I got this job offer selling glow things and, you know, that's like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
God, it's so good to see you.
You too.
Oh.
Sorry.
Reginald, this is Jeff.
We-We used to date.
Oh.
Well, that is so fun.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, you guys wanna see where all the clowns sleep? It's super sad.
Yeah, sure.
I Oh.
But we were about to go on the Ferris wheel.
Oh, that's okay.
You two go ahead.
I'm gonna eat a whole turkey leg, then find a clean porta-john to destroy.
You're the best.
- You smell great.
- Thanks.
How's Yerhugeva Gina? Oh, Yerhugeva? She's good.
She's back in Croatia for the winter with the rest of the Gina family.
Upstaged by a wily-ass hippie.
These shots are no good for my crime scene portfolio.
If only you were a little more mangled.
Ooh, Steve.
My wedding ring fell in the garbage disposal.
Grab it for me? Roger! You never do anything for me.
Is there anything better than night tennis? Ja.
A racially pure Europe.
Steve, look at you! Oh, this bully thing is out of control! Steve should stand up to his bully.
Violence is never the answer.
Steve, have you tried reasoning with this boy? Maybe he just needs a friend.
Hey, Francine, I dropped my bracelet in the garbage disposal.
Dip your fingers in there for me? Roger! Come on.
That was your left hand, drama queen.
Where am I off to? Give me your lunch money, ass-breath! I was thinking maybe I could take you out for a cup of coffee.
You know.
Talk a little? It's just, my dad left when I was young.
It was hard on my mom.
It was hard on me.
- Must have been rough.
- It was, Steve.
It really was.
Mmm.
Delish.
Want a sip? Oh, yes, please.
I would love some- You can't reason with a bully! You got it in my eye! I know, I know.
That's what Mom said last night.
That's right.
While I was doin' her! Ba-boom! Principal Lewis, we're so worried about Steve.
- Somebody's been bullying him.
- Who's doing this to you, son? You better not say a fuckin' word, or I'll kill you.
I won't tell! I'll never tell! All right.
Well, I guess we'll have to review the security camera.
Uh, let's move right through this section at double speed.
Francine, we need to go home and talk.
I'm having an affair with a homosexual giant.
Stan? What are you doing You're Steve's bully? Oop! Gotta go to my xylophone lesson.
Good-bye, Steve.
And hello, desk sandwich.
Oh, shit! Stan, come back here! Stan, get back here! Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on! Damn it! Open the door, you son of a bitch! Uh, can't hear you.
# Tell me, did you sail across the sun? # # Did you make it to the Milky Way # # To see the lights are faded? # # And that heaven is-## Francine! You T-boned me, bro! Stop bullying our son! It's for his own good.
He needs to learn to stand up for himself.
He's fine the way he is! Look, I'm not gonna push him around forever.
Just until he fights back.
You're crazy! I heard an accident! Good.
You're home.
Steve, I know I said violence was never the answer.
But it has just become the answer.
I'm gonna teach you how to kick your father's ass! Good! That ass needs a pounding! Yeah.
That's what your father said last night.
I've been in a few fights in my day.
About two hundo, maybe two-fitty.
Ooh! Oh! Yeah! You're dead, Becky! Oh, where did the time go? Okay.
For the next two weeks, we're locking ourselves down here and I'm training you until you are an unstoppable fighting machine! Forget it! I can't do this! You're just- You're just terrible! You- You can't even make a fist! Mom, where are you going? I'm no good for you right now, Steve.
You are so frustrating.
I'm gonna go down to Sea World, punch a dolphin in the face.
Hello there.
Hi.
Hello.
Thanks, Jack.
See you next time.
You got it, chief.
Sixty-eight! Quarter pound yellow American cheese sliced medium thin.
How's that? - A little bit thinner.
- You got it.
A little under okay? I prefer under to over.
Have a good one.
Oh! Oh, come on! You can't have Roger dress you up just to avoid me.
Do you know how long makeup took? I was in the chair at 4:00 a.
m.
! There's no way around this, Steve.
Sooner or later, you're gonna have to find a way to get those oranges up the stairs.
Fine.
Let's settle this once and for all on the playground, tomorrow, 3:00.
Good.
'Cause I've been missing a lot of work.
Hey, hey, Cassius Clay! Oh, hey, Reggie.
What a beautiful vase.
It's a menses pot.
Okay, that's cool.
Hey, our date the other night got a bit overpopulated.
What do you say we try that again- just us? Sorry, Reggie.
It's just Seeing Jeff brought up a lot of old feelings.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
I need some time alone to sort things out.
Ah, yeah.
You take as much time as you No, you know what? I'm done pretending.
I love you, Hayley.
I always have.
Reggie, I had no idea.
No, you didn't.
- Now I'm gonna give you some time to listen to your heart.
- But # Little girl at the pottery wheel # # Take your time, figure out how you feel # # And when you're ready to be mine # # You'll be ready for "koala-ty" # # Time ## Poof.
This is so awesome.
I'm gonna get some great shots.
Shoot it in black and white so it looks like Raging Bull.
Call it Raging Bully.
Oh, my God! I did it! I didn't think you'd show.
Who's this, your boyfriend? Oh, I don't like that one bit.
You know damn well who I am.
He's here to photograph the crime scene.
'Cause you're about to get murdered! Love this attitude, Steve.
You know what? I'm gonna give you the first punch.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! You know, I was thinking.
And I realized something.
What, that you're a gaylord? Stelio Kontos! # Stelio # # Stelio Kontos # # Stelio # - # Stelio Kontos # - Oh! I found him on Facebook, and it got me thinking.
Why do you care how I get those oranges up the stairs? I can pay someone to bring them up for me just like I'm paying Stelio to kick your ass.
# Stelio # # Stelio Kontos # # Stelio # # Stelio Kontos # No! You're not doing it yourself, Steve.
So it doesn't count.
Really? Sure looks like it counts to me.
You know what, Dad? You tell me when you feel I've gotten those oranges up the stairs, okay? # Stelio # # Stelio Kontos # - # Stelio # - No! Not the slidakopita! # Stelio Kontos, Stelio # # Stelio Kontos # # Stelio # # Stelio Kontos # Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God.
It's over.
# Stelio # Oh, no.
He's coming from so far away.
He's picking up so much speed! # Kontos # They're up the stairs! For the love of God, you got the oranges up the stairs! # Stelio # # Stelio Kontos Stel-# Oh, shit! I got to hand it to you, Steve.
You overcame your bully in your own way.
It's not my way, but I respect it.
Thanks, Dad.
Give it to me.
Beautiful.
You're making me nauseous, and I love it! This is really nice work.
You're hired.
Your first assignment a brutal triple rape right off the freeway.
Oh, thank you, Captain "Car-hoonch.
" It's Crunch.
And you're welcome.
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
English - US - SDH