Baby Daddy s05e16 Episode Script

1 Oh.
Look, Emma, it finally came.
My high school diploma.
It's so official.
It's signed by the principal, and the dean, and everything.
God, I hated those people.
Now, I know it took me an extra six years to get this, but the point is, I did it.
I also did my old high school biology teacher, which was an added bonus.
- She's so - Hot.
Exactly.
Wait.
Do you actually understand what I'm saying? No.
That's a relief because - Wait.
You're lying to me, aren't you? - Yes.
Oh, my God.
You really are my kid.
Just know if Ms.
Gilcrest ever ends up spending the night, that it was just a very long playdate and nothing inappropriate happened.
You buying any of that? - No.
- Yeah, didn't think so.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) It's amazing how the unexpected Can take your life and change directions Well, thanks for a great evening, Ben.
Thank you for an even better morning, Ms.
Gilcrest.
You know, you don't have to keep calling me that.
I know.
Hey.
If it isn't Old Man Ross.
You on your way back to the home? Ben Wheeler.
Remember me, sir? Yeah, I remember I've hit you in the face before.
Who's this? You're nanny? Ms.
Gilcrest? Oh, my God! It's you.
- Riley Perrin.
- Riley! Hi.
It's always fun running into former students.
Except when you've just slept with another one.
And you can call me Sarah.
- Why would I do that? - Apparently, it's her name.
- Who knew? - (ELEVATOR DINGS) Well, I'd love to stay for the delightful chit-chat, but I'm just not that good a liar.
I'm gonna go too.
Aw.
Bye, sweetie.
Have a good day.
I'll see you at work.
Okay.
It was really nice to see you again.
Take care.
Oh, my God! I can't believe you hooked up with Ms.
Gilcrest.
After all the crap you gave me about dating an older guy.
- Name one time I've ever given you crap.
- Literally, five seconds ago.
Dating someone a little older is great.
She gets it.
You know, she's just here for the fun.
No commitment.
It's perfect.
You know, that's exactly what I like about Ross.
You know, it's not some big relationship where you're all codependent and clingy, and you can't go two seconds without hearing from each other.
(CELL PHONES RINGING) - Hey, Ross.
What's wrong? - Hey, Ms.
G.
What's up? You miss me? You just left.
Of course I'm thinking about you.
Because you're calling me.
Give it.
Okay.
All right.
I will take the sapphire earrings that you're showing right now.
Okay.
And you know what? And the table that the earrings are on.
You know what? And the carpet that the table is on.
You know what? And the pants you're wearing.
You know what? Just give me everything on the TV.
All right, Mrs.
Wheeler these are your boxes.
Okay? It's bad enough I have to deal with your crap.
Now I have to sign for it and carry it upstairs too? Look, Tucker, I just don't want my doorman to think that I have a shopping problem.
Oh, yeah.
Especially since he already thinks you got a drinking problem.
Yeah, we talk.
Look, whatever.
Look, I've got bigger problems.
Okay, my husband has been gone for three months, and the only thing that makes me feel better is shopping.
But then I get so depressed because I have so much credit card debt that the only thing that makes me feel better is more shopping.
And now this conversation is really bumming me out, so I'm just going to have to go buy something else! This is all your fault.
Is it me, or are Riley and Ross constantly together? I just saw them having lunch, again.
Lunch was our thing.
- What's next? - Dinner? Damn it! That was our thing too! All right, Danny, listen, honey.
I'm sorry, but you have got to stop thinking about Riley.
You have a big playoff game tonight.
You need to focus on that.
You're right.
The whole team's counting on me.
Nobody knows this, but I'm starting tonight because our best player, Gustav, is out with an injury.
He slipped on the ice and fractured his coccyx.
Don't worry, it's not what you think it is.
You'll be great, Danny.
You are gonna do great! I believe in you! Oh, my gosh.
They may as well forfeit the game right now.
Mrs.
Wheeler, the answer to all your credit card debt just walked into his bedroom.
Okay, I cannot borrow money from Danny.
I already have.
Shh! Don't tell him.
No, no.
Bet against the Rangers tonight.
With that inside information, you'll clean up.
Tucker Thurgood Marshall Dobbs.
I would never bet against my son.
Okay, when you say "clean up," how much money are we talking? Mm-hm.
Yeah.
Are you okay? You haven't stopped smiling for ten minutes, and I don't really know what the signs of a stroke are.
I am just happy.
I'm glad we've been able to work things out this time.
And I had a really nice conversation with my mom about you this afternoon.
Your mom? She's still alive? Okay.
Um You-You told her about us? Yeah, I told everyone at the office too.
Oh, you did? I-I was kind of keeping that to myself.
You know, Ben, I have to admit, I wasn't sure what to think when you called me again, but this is nice.
Yeah, it is.
I'm just glad you're open to seeing me as Ben the man and bar owner, and not Ben the underachiever with the overbite.
Well, you're definitely a lot younger than anyone I've ever dated.
But just because a guy is older doesn't mean he's more mature, right? Believe me, I have been burned a few times.
Haven't we all.
Burned.
Betrayed.
Led on.
Jerked around.
Kissed a lot of frogs.
A lot.
You know, I always thought I'd be married with a whole flock of kids by now, but nope, still single.
Not bitter.
No, not bitter at all.
But this is fun.
And you have a kid.
I mean, if things worked out, and we got married, and I got pregnant right away, I'll be right on track and right in line with all my friends.
I mean, I'm just spitballing here, but how old is Emma, again? Oh, my God.
I'm a terrible person.
I can't believe I bet against my son.
Hey, look, if it makes you feel any better, you were a terrible person way before that.
How will I ever live with myself if I ever - (BUZZER SOUNDS) - (GASPS) Yes! The Rangers lost! The Rangers lost! BOTH: We're rich! We're rich! We're rich! (CHEERING) Aww Hey.
I can't believe we lost.
Everyone's going to blame me just because I made a lot of mistakes and messed up a bunch.
Yeah, it sucks.
Oh, there, there, Tucker.
Don't worry, Danny.
You just need to work harder on your game.
Hey, Wheeler! You suck! I know! Good one, Danny.
Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh - Hey.
- Finally.
What took you so long? I texted you like an hour ago.
Sorry, I had to wait for Ross to fall asleep.
Ten o'clock.
Every night.
He's on a schedule, just like my grandma.
Ms.
Gilcrest starts her day at 6:00 a.
m.
For no reason.
I guess the routine keeps them feeling active.
Riley, this has gotten way out of hand.
I know.
Ross told his mother about us.
What? She's still alive? That's exactly what I said.
You know what this is? This is my karma.
Okay, so, maybe I got back together with Ross just to make Danny jealous, Because maybe I'm still hoping he'll apologize, admit he was completely wrong, and we get back together.
But now, the universe is punishing me by saying, "Suck it, Perrin.
" Like somehow this is my fault.
So just break up with him.
I can't.
Everyone at work knows about us.
If I break his heart again, they'll hate me.
Well, I just wanted to fulfill a hot teacher fantasy.
Now I'm just dating some crazy chick named Sarah.
So just break up with her.
I can't! Not after everything she just said to me.
That woman is one rejection away from boiling a bunny.
I just I wish Ross would break up with me.
But obviously, he's not going to do that.
Would you let all of this go? Sorry, that, um Wait, wait, wait.
What if they broke up with us? I know how guys think, what they like and what they don't.
I'll talk to Ross and convince him to break up with you.
I know exactly what to say to turn him off of you.
It'll be easy.
I have a list.
Um, I'm mildly offended.
I mean, how would you feel if I started saying all these horrible things about you to Ms.
Gilcrest? Actually, that sounds fun.
We deserve better.
Oh, my God, yes! We are total catches.
We can keep this whole Grandma betting against Uncle Danny between us, right? Okay.
I've got a new T-shirt and some skinny jeans Used my Ranger winnings 'cause I'm flush with green Danny lost big, but it paid real nice Got some fresh new clothes, yeah, that'll suffice Hey Tucker.
I told you to lay low for a couple of days.
Don't draw attention to ourselves before we even collect the winnings.
That means no shopping.
And no rapping about shopping.
Teddy, hi.
What are you doing here? Trying not to bump into Ross and Riley.
Also, I'm trying not to bump into anything else.
I hurt my wrist during practice, so Oh! - Oh, my God, Danny! - Danny, are you okay? Oh, my wrist! This is bad! Gustav's still out, and there's no way I'll be able to play now.
Oh, my God, sweetie, let me get you some ice.
Wait, it was Okay, so you're saying the first and the second string are out? Uh, maybe I should call my friend, Dr.
Bet.
Dr.
Bet? Don't call him! Tucker, no.
We have a clean bill of health.
We don't need Dr.
Bet.
No, I need Dr.
Bet.
- Who's Dr.
Bet? - See? See? Danny thinks that I should call Dr.
Bet.
Uh, I'll tell him it's a double-down diagnosis.
I can't believe Danny is hurt.
I mean, what are the odds? Seriously, Tucker, what are the odds? Not very good if we don't make it down to the racetrack.
Okay.
Racetrack Presbyterian.
It's a fine hospital.
Okay, let's go.
So, Ross, glad you could stop by.
- We're friends, right? - Not at all.
Good.
I just want you to know that I'm here for you if you every need someone to talk to about Riley, and how annoying she can be.
Oh, well, is this Quantum Cop 4? Uh, yeah.
You know who's a quantum pain the ass? Riley.
You play? Bet I can kick your ass.
I doubt that.
I'm ranked number two in cyborg prostitute arrests.
Oh, buddy.
You're on.
It's a good thing you're dating a teacher, because you're about to get schooled, son.
Well, thanks so much for meeting me.
You know, I just wanted to see how things were going with you and Ben.
Or should I say, everyone's ex.
Trust me, "Ben" there, done that.
Actually, things are great.
Wow.
He's really got you fooled.
I don't know.
I think he's grown up quite a bit since high school.
And so have you, my favorite straight "A" student.
No, uh, not straight "A's.
" In fact, you were the only teacher to ever give me a "B," preventing me from being valedictorian, but no bigs.
You were the best student I ever had.
With all those "A's," I thought a "B" would motivate you.
The moment I met you, I knew you were destined for greatness.
You did? Oh Should we order some food and keep talking about how great I am? Yeah, okay.
Yeah! Uh! - Not bad, Wheeler.
- Thank you.
No one's ever taken the time to show me how to sever a cyborg's head.
Ah, it was nothing.
No, it was something.
You're the big brother I always wanted.
You have a big brother.
I know.
Well, Tucker, I might be a bad mother who bets against her son, but if things go well, I will be a rich mother who bets against her son.
And I can live with that.
And I can live with the personal massager I ordered.
Her name is Olga, and she arrives on Tuesday.
Oh, damn.
I swear, Riley is everywhere I go and she still barely talks to me.
At this rate, I'll bet we'll never get back together.
Bet? Bet? No, no, no.
We don't bet against people or sports.
Not at all.
Nobody's betting.
Oh, hey.
Shouldn't your wrist be in a cast? Or a sling, or you know, something that says the Rangers aren't going to win tonight? Oh, yeah.
I forgot to tell you guys.
The team doctor cleared me.
He cleared Gustav cleared, too.
Isn't that great? So great! So you and Gustav are back in the game.
That is amazing.
Right, Tucker? (MUTTERING) What the hell are we going to do? - There's nothing we can do.
- We have to call off the bet.
We can't, it's too late.
Hey, are you guys okay? Yeah.
Yeah, we sure are, sweetie.
You know what? You have yourself a great game.
- Have a good one, bro.
- (MUTTERING) Come on.
We need to hurry.
(BOTH MUTTERING) - Hey.
- So, is it done? Am I a free man? Yes, you are, because you live in America.
Yay! - You didn't do it, did you? - I couldn't.
She's so nice.
Did you know she's the reason I'm a lawyer? Riley, come on, I was counting on you.
How'd it go with Ross? He's going to ask you to move in.
So late.
See you guys in the game tonight.
Wish me luck.
Oh my God! How did this get in here? Right when I stop thinking about Riley, there she is, messing with my head.
Oh no.
Man, see that ain't right.
That She's a terrible person.
Anyway, man, just Whatever.
Don't let this bother you and make you play horribly, right? Have a great Riley.
- What'd you say? - I said, have a great game, man.
Come on, get out of your head.
Just go out there and focus on the Riley.
Hey, Danny's taken care of.
How's Gustav? (WHISPERS) I got it covered.
(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) What happened to Barry, my regular driver? (IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) Oh, Barry is very sick.
But you're in good hands with Bonitza.
Are you sure you know where you're going? Of course.
Madison, yes? Yeah, Madison Square Garden.
Oh, I thought you want Madison, Wisconsin.
What? I miss game.
Don't Don't worry.
There is turnaround in 20 miles.
To pass time, we could play I Spy with My Little Eye.
Okay.
Uh I spy something purple.
Where? Well, it is gone now.
So no matter how uncomfortable this is, we have to do it.
We're in a public place, so neither of them can make a scene.
You're right.
Nothing to be scared of.
- God, I'm so scared.
- Me to.
We're the best thing that's ever happened to them.
Excuse me.
I think we got everything you wanted.
Yeah, except for the popcorn that comes in a Danny Wheeler collectible tub.
I dropped it by accident, and then kicked it all over the lobby.
So, here we are.
This is so fun.
You know, I actually thought you were going to break up with me since you've been so aloof lately, but obviously no one would do that at such a public event.
That's just too mean.
Yeah, no.
I would never Hey, maybe later we can take a walk somewhere more private? (WHISTLE TRILLS) Gosh, I sure hope the Rangers break their losing streak.
Hey, speaking of taking breaks - Oh, my God, that's us.
- Yeah, about us - Look.
- Oh, my God.
Who would've done that? Really? Jumbotron.
Nice touch, Tuck-Tuck.
Yeah, I had to take one for the team with the Jumbotron girl.
Danny might not be scoring, but I sure did.
You handle Gustav? I told him to check a tire and left him in Jersey.
"Objects in mirror are angrier than they appear.
" Uh, hey, Ben.
Do you want to come with me? I need some mustard.
Of course.
There's no way you can carry all that mustard by yourself.
So, this is an interesting date.
Yeah, if we were dating each other.
They haven't sat still for five minutes.
BOTH: Kids.
(WHISTLE TRILLS) Jumbotron? What the hell am I supposed to do now? What's next? A mixtape? Are we gonna talk on the phone for hours like pilgrims? I just wish there was a simple reason I could break up with her like she's a serial killer and she insists that we cuddle.
God, what are we gonna do? No idea.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
We used to do that.
What if Ross and Sarah think we're actually getting back together? Is this your way of trying to get me to make out with you? Or is this your way of trying to get me to make out with you? Of course not.
It was your idea.
If you say so.
We have to make sure they can see us and it has to look real.
Grab your butt.
Got it.
Riley - Ooh.
- Damn.
Why are those two kissing? I thought he was dating his teacher and she was dating Father Time.
Did you have something to do with this? No, this has nothing to do with me.
Sometimes the gambling gods just wink at you.
Good job, bro! Damn it.
I don't think they saw us.
Stupid old people with their bad eyesight.
Oh, oh! Maybe we should try to get on the Kiss Cam! Sure, as soon as we kick those two off.
RILEY: What? Who the hell does Ross think he is? He's cheating on me? Riley, we just won the lottery.
Why are you yelling at the ticket? Sorry it didn't work out with you and Ross! Oh, my god.
What is Danny doing? I don't know.
Looks like he finally realized how to play hockey.
No, no, no! - (HORN BLARES) - ANNOUNCER: Goal! Number 23, Danny Wheeler! Okay, okay.
Hey! Okay, it's cool, right? It's fine.
Just calm down.
Just breathe.
All right? It's still the first period.
So what? He got a lucky goal.
Look, there is no way that he will score again.
(HORN BLARES) Danny Wheeler scores again from mid-ice! - This is all your fault! - Are you kidding? Don't you dare pin this on me! You have a shopping problem! Yeah? Well, you got a gambling problem! Oh, wait.
Actually, we've got a bigger problem.
- It's Gustav.
- Oh, snap! Go! Go, go, go! Oh, my god! Oh.
Uh, hey, Riley.
Oh, don't you "Hey, Riley" me.
Look, you don't deserve this.
I'm sorry.
I I don't know what happened.
Ms.
Gilcrest and I just felt a connection.
Sarah.
Somebody please call me Sarah! I am really heartbroken.
I mean, I don't know how I'm gonna recover from this.
The only thing that might make me feel better is if you made me junior partner.
Just think about it.
- Ben, listen, I - Save it.
Words are just words.
Kisses are forever.
Except for our kisses.
Those are done.
Hold it hold it and We're clear! Oh, oh, bam! That worked out nicely.
Should we stay and support Danny? Why? I mean, he barely even noticed I was here.
- (HORN BLARES) - (CHEERING) Danny Wheeler scores a hat trick! Awesome win, Danny.
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Appreciate it.
Although, I'm not sure about tomorrow.
Just between us, two of our starters won't be playing.
Food poisoning.
Really? Yeah.
We're just gonna go somewhere.
Hey, sorry to hear about the players, man.
Don't be.
They're fine.
- Thanks for tipping me off, Emma.
- No problem.
Hey, ah Did I see you kissing Riley ealier tonight? Nope.