Friends s05e16 Episode Script

-What are you guys doing up? -Finishing the crossword.
Do you know a six-letter word for "red"? Dark red.
Wrong, but there's a connect-the-dots in here for you later.
Hey, how about maroon? Yes! You are so smart! You guys are so cute.
I know.
See you in the morning.
I love doing crossword puzzles with you.
Me too.
Now let's finish this and go to bed.
Only one left.
Three-letter word.
Not dog, but.
Cat.
You are so smart! I love you.
I love you too.
The One with the Cop We still need a tip.
All right.
Hold on.
I got it.
Nickel.
-How much do we need? -Couple of bucks.
Okay, dime.
You guys keep talking.
This could take a while.
Wait, look it! This is a police badge! Cool.
But why would a cop come in here? They don't serve doughnuts.
Could you discover the badge again? I can do better than that.
I bet somebody's missing that badge.
I should take it back.
But at the police station I'll check their 10 Most Wanted List.
My friend's been number 11 forever.
This could be her year! -Hey, you guys.
-Hey, Joey.
Is that my sweatshirt? Yes, it is.
I'm sorry.
I was cold.
I hope it's okay.
It's just that if you wear someone's sweatshirt shouldn't it be your boyfriend's? And I'm not him.
I'm sorry.
I'll give it back.
It's gonna be all smelling like Monica.
Do I smell bad? You smell like a meadow.
I'm sorry.
What's with him? The last time Joey went to a meadow his mother was shot by a hunter.
Look what I found.
It's a police badge.
What's that doing here? I don't see any doughnuts.
Cops and doughnuts.
Come on.
If Chandler had said it you'd all be on the floor.
Cops, doughnuts? Me? I still don't know.
I want to make sure I bought the right couch, one that says "Kids welcome here," but that also says "Come here to me.
" What? You say that to kids? The "Come here to me" is, you know, for the ladies.
Ross, honey, it's a nice couch, it's not a magic couch.
Well, you picked a great couch.
-Sign here, please.
-Sure.
The delivery charge is almost as much as the couch! That's ridiculous.
He lives three blocks away.
I'll take it myself.
Thank you.
All right, Rach, come on.
Let's go.
Are you kidding? Come on.
It's only three blocks.
It's not very heavy.
Try it.
Oh, I can do it.
You two will really enjoy that couch.
We're not together.
Something didn't quite add up there.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, you.
Her.
I mean, she's very you know.
And you're, like you know? Not that it's any of your business, but we did go out.
Really? You two? I don't want to do this now.
I'm carrying a heavy couch.
Then tell him quickly.
Fine.
We went out.
Not only did we go out we did it 298 times! You kept count? You are such a loser! A loser you did it with 298 times! Excuse me, ma'am.
You can't put your cigarette out on a tree.
Yeah, I can.
It worked well.
But you shouldn't.
So don't ever do that again.
I won't.
Till I have my next cigarette.
Hold it! N.
Y.
P.
D.
Freeze, punk! That's right.
You are so busted.
Book them.
-Who are you talking to? -Save it, red! Apologize to the tree or spend the night in the slammer.
I am not apologizing to a tree.
You apologize to the tree right now or I am calling for backup.
Backup! Backup! I'm sorry! Sorry! Okay, cancel backup! Cancel backup! Didn't you say there was an elevator in here? Yes, I did, but there isn't.
Here we go! Don't you think we should rethink the whole hiring movers thing? No way.
They're a rip-off.
They check out your stuff and come back later and steal it.
It's true.
I saw it on Dateline.
Jane Pauley is the one woman I would kiss.
-There's just something about her.
-Rach, can we concentrate? Yeah, fine.
I listened to your dumb story.
Okay, go left.
Left.
Left.
Okay, you know what? There's no more left left.
Lift it straight up over your head.
Straight up.
You can do it! You can do it! Okay.
You got it? -Go, go.
-Good, good.
You got it, right? You got it, right? You got Any chance you think it looks good there? This guy was all: And I'm all, "Buffay! Homicide!" It was just so cool! -You were supposed to take it back.
-I'm having fun doing good deeds.
You can get arrested for impersonating a police officer.
You could get arrested right now! I'd better take it back.
I'm totally drunk with power.
Yeah.
I didn't know you guys would be here.
-Do me a favor.
Taste this.
-What? Why? It's okay, Joe, she's a trained chef.
Actually, I was looking for Phoebe.
Well, you just missed her.
Was that her? -I gotta go.
-Joey, wait a minute.
Wait.
-What is with you? -Nothing.
You're acting strange.
All right.
There is something.
I kind of had a dream.
But I don't want to talk about it.
What if Martin Luther King had said that? I kind of have a dream.
I don't want to talk about it.
Look, it involved Monica.
You had a dream about the girl I'm seeing? Cool.
I dreamt about the girls he was seeing.
Let's talk about your dream.
I love you.
Your dream? There was no sex.
I haven't dreamt of her like that since I found out about you two.
More or less.
What was the dream about? You were my girlfriend.
We were doing the crossword puzzle.
Like you did last night.
That's it.
I'm in love with Monica.
I'll move out.
Joey, come on.
That doesn't mean you're in love with me.
It doesn't? It could mean anything.
Like you're jealous that I've become the apartment stud.
Sounds like your dream.
Or it could mean you saw Chandler and me being close and stuff and you want that too.
In the dream I did enjoy the closeness.
If that's what it was, that'd be great.
I wouldn't have to move.
Are you attracted to Monica? Right here, right now, are you attracted to her? -Not really.
-There you have it! Well, sure! I'm just wearing sweats! But that's good! You're not in love with me.
You just want a girlfriend.
It's not just about getting a girlfriend.
I could get a girlfriend.
We could sit and do crossword puzzles.
But could we have the closeness like you have? Monica and I were friends before we dated.
Maybe that's it.
Friends first? That's interesting.
-You become friends after? -No, never done that either.
Do you guys have a tape measure? Yeah.
It's actually in my bedroom.
That's right.
What's up, Joey? How you doing? Excuse me.
Is this your car? Don't park here.
You're blocking the entrance.
Don't worry.
It's not a problem.
It's a problem for me, so it's a problem for you, because I'm a cop.
So am l.
Okay.
So you're a cop.
You can park anywhere.
I know, because I'm a cop too.
Keep up the good work.
10-4.
Wait.
So, what precinct are you with? I'm with the 57th.
-I know a guy in Homicide up there.
-I'm in Vice.
In fact, I'm undercover right now.
I'm a whore.
Who else is in Vice there? Do you know Sipowicz? Sipowicz? I don't think so.
Yeah.
Sipowicz.
Yeah.
Big guy, kind of bald.
I don't know him.
Don't try to call him.
He's not there.
He's out.
His partner just died.
Tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss.
I sure will.
Take care.
By the way, I'm sure Sipowicz will be all right.
I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good.
Where'd you find my badge? Could you give me and Ross a hand moving his couch? I'd love to, but I got acting class.
But you know what? I guess I could blow that off.
For you.
Let me ask you something.
I was talking with Monica and Chandler.
Boy, they are really tight.
I know.
That's not a bad situation they got there.
Think I'll get me one of those.
What's up, Joe? I think Monica and Chandler are so great because they were friends first.
So I asked myself, who are my friends? You and Phoebe.
I saw you first, so.
-What are you saying? -Maybe you and I crank it up a notch.
You know, honey as flattered as I am that you saw me first I just don't think we should be cranking anything up.
I'll treat you real nice.
Yeah.
Well, you know.
I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you date.
But the way you do it is you meet someone, become their friend build a foundation, then ask them out on a date.
Don't hit on your existing friends.
Won't that take longer? Oh, but once you find it it's so worth the wait.
I understand.
Good.
Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first.
Come here to me.
No, no.
You come here to me.
-I brought reinforcements.
-Great! You brought Joey? The next best thing.
You brought Chandler? The next best thing would be Monica! I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so.
I drew a sketch of how we'll do it.
Rach, that's you.
That's the couch.
What's that? That's me.
Certainly think a lot of yourself.
No.
That's my arm.
I see.
I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.
Just follow my lead.
Come on, Chandler.
-All right.
-Okay.
Here we go.
All right.
Ready? Turn! Turn! Turn! -I don't think we can turn any more! -I don't think it'll fit! Yeah, it will.
Come on! Up, up, up! Up! Yes! Here we go! Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I don't think it'll pivot any more.
You think? All right, let's bring it back down and try again.
I think it's really stuck now.
-I can't believe that didn't work.
-I know.
Me neither.
I mean, you had a sketch.
What did you mean when you said "pivot"? Man, I cannot figure this out.
Yeah, because it's not 1985.
You guys, guess what? I ditched a cop.
-What? -What do you mean? He caught me using his badge and he tried to bust me.
Damn real cops! How far did he chase you? Well, he didn't really.
He just picked up his badge and stood there.
Maybe we'll see you on World's Most Boring Police Chases.
-Why did you run? -I had to.
You know, impersonating a cop is like a Class E felony.
Two to four years minimum.
I am not going back to that hellhole.
If I can just get it to pivot we'll be back on track.
-Rach, can I get some help please? -Yeah.
Turn it off! Turn it off! Maybe the firemen can help us move the couch when they get here.
-Wait, wait, wait.
-It's a new couch! It's a new couch! How's it going? Make any new friends? Yeah.
I met this woman.
What's she like? Well, she's really good in bed.
-You were going to be friends first.
-Hey, it's all your fault.
Why? You didn't give me advice.
You gave me a pickup line.
I told her I wanted to build a foundation and be friends first.
Suddenly, through no fault of my own, I became irresistible to her! And her roommate.
What about the closeness? Closeness, schmosness.
There was three of us, for crying out loud! Who wants pizza? I do! I do! I do! This is great! Can you believe I found it on the second floor? -Who is it? -N.
Y.
P.
D.
Oh, my God! Just a minute, officer! -I'm looking for Phoebe Buffay.
-My God, it's him! It's that cop! -I can't believe he found me! -Are you gonna go to jail? If I go down, you guys go down with me.
Harboring a fugitive? That's one to three years minimum.
Good luck, Chandler.
Arrest me, but you'll never make it stick and you know it.
I have no choice, it's my job.
You understand, right? And you understand that I'm calling my lawyer.
And once he puts you on the stand, he'll make you look like a fool! I don't like looking foolish.
Maybe I don't arrest you today.
Maybe I came by and you weren't here.
I'd love it if I weren't here! Since you're not going to jail tonight, I was wondering if you'd Iike to go to dinner with me? Me? Ever since you flashed my badge I can't stop thinking about you.
You're the prettiest fake undercover whore I've ever seen.
Nice.
I didn't see that coming.
You're asking me out.
I could've done it better, but these people keep staring at me.
I'd like to go out with you, officer.
-Gary.
-Gary.
Okay, so it's a date.
I gotta ask you, though.
How'd you find me? I ran your fingerprints through the computer.
This was listed as your last known address.
Impressive.
Not as impressive as you.
Your record shows you've done some weird stuff.
We'll talk at dinner.
-So I'll come by and pick you up? -I can't wait.
Don't worry, I won't just take you out for doughnuts.
He has a gun! I'd like to return this couch.
I'm not satisfied with it.
You wanna return this couch? It's cut in half.
-That's what I'm telling you.
-Did you cut this couch in half? It's crazy, it is cut in half.
I don't understand.
This couch is cut in half.
I would like to exchange it for one that is not cut in half.
We can't accept it in this condition.
Well, I can't accept it in this condition.
You're saying this couch was delivered to you like this? Look, I'm a reasonable man.
I will accept store credit.
I'll give you store credit in the amount of four dollars.
I will take it.