Hogan's Heroes (1965) s05e16 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) Oh, I'm sorry you can't stay longer, liebchen.
So am I, but General Burkhalter needs me and I don't have the heart to disappoint him.
Of course not.
How often does the general come to you for advice? Almost every day.
I finally said to Burkhalter-- "Albert," I said, "I'm only going to see you once every week.
" He has to learn to make his own decisions.
You should be the general instead of him.
Oh, that's so true.
You know, it's not what you know, it's who you know.
These boys polish the car every time I come to see you.
Hero worship.
Did you hear that, Schultz? The boys think I'm a hero.
The joke is on them, Herr Kommandant.
I don't think it's that funny.
Jawohl.
In fact, it is not funny at all.
I'll see you Thursday, Greta.
Auf weidersehen.
Schultz! Finished? So soon? Have a pleasant time, sir? This car was cleaned before we left town.
But you did drive back with it, sir? Yes.
In this same car? Of course.
There's your answer.
I don't remember asking you a question.
Your car will be clean as a Dutch oven.
Just take a few minutes.
LeBeau, did you wipe off those hubcaps? Inside and out, Colonel.
It's the little things that make our work distinctive, sir.
Right, LeBeau? Right, sir.
When we do a job, there is no detail too small to be overlooked.
Now you can use it on either eye, sir.
Yeah.
Wow, they covered the entire German coast defense.
Troop concentration, gun placements, the works.
Nice bit of gossip to pass on to London.
Oh, the film was wrapped in this note.
I think it's important.
Did you read it? Well, it was addressed "To whom it may concern," and since I was, I did.
( whistles ) Yeah, that's exactly what I said.
Well, that's not exactly what I said.
Actually, I said ( wolf whistle ) LeBEAU: Carter.
What's the message, Colonel? Tomorrow they'll have locations of the new J-4 rocket bases.
But they've got to be picked up no later than Friday.
They're closing down.
Those guys are magicians.
That's been a top-priority job for months.
The new underground unit is sharp.
Bloody lucky their people are there working with us.
We're bloody lucky to have Colonel Klink with us.
His spare tire made it all possible.
It's an outrage! Over 200 escapes from our prison camps this year.
It's an outrage.
More than we have ever had before in all the years combined.
And the year isn't even over yet.
That's funny to you? Funny? No, it's not funny.
It's an outrage.
Then why are you grinning like a baboon? Oh, it isn't because of the escapes, sir.
I was just thinking how pleased you must be about my no-escape record.
That's why I was grinning like a baboon.
Klink! I didn't come here to listen to you talk about yourself.
Now shut up, sit down and listen! Now, Klink, who is to blame for these escapes? The prisoners who escape are to blame for the escapes.
No.
The Kommandant.
Of course.
Far be it from me to criticize my fellow officers.
I mean the Kommandant must be all things at all times.
Ah, how well I remember when I took command here at Stalag 13 Klink.
You were saying? It seems that some of our Kommandants have become playboys.
They have turned their stalags into summer camps.
Outrageous.
They sit around all day, drinking their schnapps.
Well, the party's over.
These playboys are in for a big surprise.
Good.
What have we got planned for them? A thorough physical for each officer.
Those who don't pass will be sent away for a two-month toughening up course.
Sent away where? To the Russian front, where else? Seems to get marvelous results.
A few days there and you're a different man.
So I've heard.
What do you think of the idea, Klink? I like it.
I like it.
That's fine.
Your examination will be one week from today.
My examination? But, General Burkhalter, there's nothing wrong with me.
Then you have nothing to worry about, Klink.
One week from today, 10:00.
Have you ever heard such a thing? Kommandant, I have heard, nothing nothing! You weren't standing outside with your ear against the door? Yes, but I fell asleep.
General Burkhalter's having all Kommandants take a physical.
And I'm afraid some of them will end up at the Russian front.
Aw, but you don't have to worry, Kommandant-- you won't pass.
If I don't, I'll end up there.
And guess what fat sergeant will be carrying my snowshoes? Why won't I pass? Aw, Kommandant, please.
You were living it up, dancing and drinking every night.
Herr Kommandant, you are a wreck! I passed my last physical.
Yeah, if you remember, you had to give the doctor a case of schnapps, and a dozen pair of nylon stockings.
Hi, Schultz.
Halt.
Who goes there? The Kaiser.
Oh, jolly joke.
Why the armed guard? Orders by the Kommandant.
He's in there.
He does not want to be disturbed.
He gave me orders to shoot anyone who tries to go in.
( loud thump ) KLINK: Help! What's that? I think the Kommandant was yelling something.
Kommandant? ( groaning ) What are you trying to do? Right now I am just trying to breathe.
Schultz, get this off me.
Yes, Herr Kommandant.
Are you all right? Of course I'm all right.
I just tripped, that's all.
( gasps ) I shouldn't have handed you this heavy weight.
I wasn't thinking.
That's the way I took them.
Now you get back to your post and don't mention this to a soul.
Yes, Herr Kommandant, I'll say nothing.
Nothing.
Uh, Schultz? Oh, yeah.
( sighs ) Here, let me pour you some water.
Never mind.
I'm capable of pouring my own water.
I know you are, sir.
It's just that your hands were trembling.
I, uh, take it all this has to do with General Burkhalter's visit, huh? All of what? Kommandant, we've been together quite a while, haven't we? Yes, we have.
You'd never find an enemy truer than I've been? You're tops, Hogan.
I'd never say anything to spare your feelings? That's right.
All right, what's all this about? What's all what about? Kommandant, you're answering a question with a question.
I know you're hiding something.
Who's answering a question with a question? All right, I'm sorry for disturbing you.
I'm glad everything's all right.
Hogan.
Yes, sir? Hogan, I want you to be absolutely honest.
Now, tell me the truth even if it hurts.
You know I'll be as brutal as possible, sir.
What kind of condition am I in? Now look as long as you like and take your time before you answer.
I've seen enough.
Thanks, Hogan.
You've been a big help.
You wanted me to be honest.
I'm scheduled to take a physical next week, and if I don't pass it, there's a good chance that I'll be sent to the Russian front.
You're kidding me.
( chuckling ): You must be kidding.
You're not kidding.
Look, we Germans have stopped making Russian front jokes last November.
Don't worry, Kommandant.
No doctor in his right mind would send a physical wreck like you into combat.
If I don't pass that physical, that's exactly where I'll end up.
That's why you're in the gym suit.
Yes, and I'm going to stay in it, too.
From now on, no more going to town.
It's all work, no play, until I pass that physical next week.
Oh, Kommandant, a man with your robust health.
Hmm! A minute ago I was a wreck.
Just clowning, sir, just clowning.
( laughing ) See, sometimes it's best to laugh in the face of disaster.
I see what you mean.
And sometimes when you're facing it, I will laugh my head off.
You want to try the barbells again, sir? I'm just gonna roll them away.
I'll try later.
Oh, wait, wait a minute, Kommandant! Oh, look at this, look at this.
No wonder.
You've got too much weight on here.
Oh, I see.
Yeah.
You're lucky you didn't sprain your back.
( grunting loudly ) Good, good.
Yeah, that's that's perfect to start with.
Thank you, Hogan.
I'll, I'll go right to work.
Yeah, but don't overdo it the first day Muscles.
Colonel Hogan, how's the Kommandant? Schultz, I think he's ( loud thump ) Help! I think he's gonna need help.
Help!! You really think old Klink could pass a physical? He's going to have to think he can, and before Friday or no rocket locations.
Hey, LeBeau, hurry it up.
LeBEAU: Right away, Colonel! Of course Klink might surprise us.
You know, he had to be in good condition when he joined the Luftwaffe.
That was a long while back.
He goes to pot pretty fast.
Yeah, just since we've been here, look how much weight he's put on.
Look at all the hair he's taken off.
LeBeau! Ready, Colonel.
Look, I did a pretty good job hollowing these out.
Uh-oh, here comes the body beautiful.
SCHULTZ: I heard a very funny story yesterday all about No funny story, Schultz.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
It seems the weather is getting warmer No weather conversation, Schultz.
Jawohl.
( humming tune ) No humming, Schultz.
No whistling, Schultz.
What's going on there? Achtung! What's going on here? The Kommandant ordered Hogan, what is this? Shh-shh! Corporal LeBeau is giving us a weightlifting exhibition, Colonel.
You-you might be interested in this.
I understand you lift weights.
No, I just lie under them.
LeBeau may be able to help you, sir.
LeBeau, come here a minute.
A little wobbly in that You mean you can lift 200 pounds? You don't lift that, Herr Kommandant, you press.
What's the difference? Well, if I tried to lift 200 pounds, I'd wind up flat on my back.
Is that so? Oui, I'd be off-balance.
The whole trick is in the first movement.
I'll show you what I mean.
You start by jerking the weights up and getting under them where you've got leverage.
Then you press.
( inhales deeply ) ( exhales sharply ) ( inhales deeply ) ( gasps ) I see what you mean now.
All right, stand back, fellas.
Give the Kommandant room.
Me? I couldn't even get it off the ground.
A bull of a man like you could do it easy.
I mean, if I was in your condition, I'd be able to lift at least 300 pounds.
Not "lifting", "pressing.
" Get it right, Hogan.
See, how quickly you caught on, sir.
Come on, Colonel, try it just once.
Go ahead, sir.
Go ahead, sir.
Watch it.
If anyone smiles, shoot them.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
( sniffs deeply ) Where did it go? You're holding it, sir.
Have you seen anything to beat that? I think Colonel Klink's been kidding us all along.
Yeah, sure.
What a bunch of patsies we are.
You can stop showing off now, Kommandant.
Well, you sure waited till you had a big crowd, didn't you? It's all in the knowing how, Hogan.
( groans ) Tens over aces.
How can you be that lucky? Come on, deal the last hand.
Ridiculous.
Hey, stop fooling around, Andrew, and play cards.
Come on, join us.
Good news, gamblers.
Just got it from Hilda.
Klink's going into town tonight.
Hey, it worked.
Like a charm.
He thinks he's in such great shape, he's earned some relaxation.
And when he comes back, he'll be bringing the locations of the J-4 rockets.
Champagne and hubcaps for everybody.
Achtung! Achtung! Ah, we can do without the military courtesy tonight.
All of you stay seated.
As you were, gentlemen.
A little late for you to be up, isn't it, Kommandant? Oh, I thought I'd take a run into town, let off a little steam.
You can't stay cooped up in this place forever.
I'm beginning to feel like I'm in a prison camp.
( laughs ) ( men laughing ) Very funny.
Very funny.
Thank you, Schultz.
Yes, you're certainly in a happy mood, Kommandant.
Oh, yes, I'm very happy.
I always say a healthy body is a happy body.
( laughs heartily ) That was not a joke, Schultz.
Absolutely not.
Well, after what we saw today, sir, I don't think that you have any reason to worry about a physical examination.
Oh, there are no complaints from a man my age.
Oh, come on, Kommandant, you don't look old.
How old do you think I am, Sergeant, hmm? Well, I-I have no idea, but you sure don't look it.
Take a guess.
Oh, why don't we just wait till your birthday and you surprise me.
Guess my age! Yes, sir.
Well, I'm, uh I'm just guessing, mind you.
Uh 59? And you sure don't look it.
How close was I? You were ten years off.
You mean you're 69?! My gosh, you really don't look that old.
Would you guys ever think the Kommandant was 69? I know I never would.
I happen to be that's more like it.
And you sure don't look it.
I know, I look 59.
Schultz, put my car away; I'm going to bed.
I thought you were going into town, sir.
That was ten years ago.
Hey, Kommandant, a workout would do you the world of good.
Yes, sir, and I got your weights right here.
Well, there goes the ball game.
And the location of the bloody J-4 rockets.
Great work, Carter.
I'm, I'm sorry.
I'm just awful at judging ages.
I remember one time back home Oh, shut up.
Any point in trying again, Colonel? Yeah, we got to and by Friday.
He's got to think he can pass that physical or he doesn't go into town.
Is there anything I can do to help? Aah, shut up.
Hogan, you made a big fool out of me.
Do you know how I felt? I was just trying to help you, sir, and it backfired.
I'm sorry.
Ha.
Those fake barbells, they were supposed to help me? That's right, we were using basic psychology.
You are what you think you are.
Right now, I feel like a man with both feet in a pair of snowshoes.
Kommandant, stop having such negative thinking.
The Russian front is a very negative place.
Forget about the Russian front.
You've got to think positively.
For a few minutes each day, say to yourself, "I feel fine, I feel good.
I feel good, I feel fine.
" Go on, try it.
I feel fine, I feel good.
I feel good, I feel fine.
Yeah.
"I'm in fine health.
I'm in great shape.
I'm in great health.
I'm in fine shape.
" I'm in fine shape.
I'm in great health.
I'm in great shape.
I'm in fine health.
I'm in a fine mess and I'm in great trouble.
Colonel, you've got to be confident, positive.
I'm confident that I'm in a fine mess.
And I'm positive that I'm in great trouble.
Come on, as least give our plan a chance.
Will you, sir? Attention! This is your training staff, sir.
My training staff? They did this all for you.
Yes, sir, don't worry about a thing.
We're going to get you in tip-top shape for that physical, sir.
Uh, I'm afraid I don't have enough time.
Oh, that's easy.
With our system, you get four of us giving you the workout.
That means you get four times the results four times as fast.
In just four days, you get the equivalent of 16 days exercise.
And a 16-day workout ought to put any man into prime condition.
What do you got to lose, sir? Remember, sir, a healthy body is a happy body.
I'm all yours.
You'll never regret it, sir.
( grunting ) Oh, no, no.
Hold it, Colonel.
You're not getting it yet.
It's a combination of left jabs and an overhand right.
Ooh! ( thudding ) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten Okay, Kommandant.
Now over on our stomach for a couple of pushups here.
Here we go.
Ready? Begin.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, 12, 13 Relax, sir.
Come on, that's it.
That's it, just let those tight arms hang loose.
( sighs ) Perfect.
All right, now come on, relax.
Let those little heavy legs just fall limp.
Come on.
There you go.
Just relax.
( yells in pain ) ( groaning ) Your breakfast, Herr Kommandant.
Aha! Two eggs sunny side up, slice of ham and six sausages, just as you ordered.
I only ordered three sausages.
Oh, don't worry, Herr Kommandant.
Any leftover I'll handle it.
I'll handle it.
( knocking on door ) Come in, come in.
Morning, Kommandant.
Morning, Hogan.
I'm very busy.
I'm having breakfast.
Yes, you are, sir, but not that.
What? What? What? This is for you.
That's breakfast? Power packed with nutrition, loaded with vitamins and minerals.
Drink it down fast before it hardens.
All right.
Mmm.
You know, Hogan, I must admit I really feel good, and I in I don't how long.
You're a different person.
Hey, delicious sausages.
Mm, I really feel alive.
Really alive.
Nice to know you're going to stay that way.
Hey, the eggs aren't bad, either.
Well, let's get over to the gym.
Not today.
Today I suggest you go into town, relax, enjoy yourself.
But my physical is tomorrow morning.
Relaxation's just as important as exercise, sir.
Oh, don't worry.
I will do all the relaxing after I've seen the doctor.
Right now I'm going over to the gym and work off that breakfast.
And he just won't go.
Is there any way we can get in touch with the underground unit? Impossible.
No personal contact-- no radio, no telephone, no written correspondence.
It's the way they operate.
The only chance we have is if Klink goes into town today.
Yeah, he's not going anywhere until after he's seen that doctor tomorrow.
Well, I guess we've had it.
Wait a minute.
Hold it.
Suppose the doctor came today instead of tomorrow.
Would it be possible? And what happens if Klink doesn't pass the physical? No chance.
That doctor's not going to find a thing wrong with Klink.
Is he, Carter? ( German accent ): Colonel Klink is the finest physical specimen I have ever seen in all my 30 minutes as a doctor.
Yes, you were expecting me, weren't you, Colonel Klink? Oh, yes.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow? No, I'm sure it was today.
However, let me check.
Let's see.
Yes, Klink.
Klink.
Klink.
Colonel Wilhelm Klink, phys ex.
That's a medical term for physical examination.
Phys ex.
Oh.
You see, "10:00 a.
m.
, Thursday, the 16th.
" No, I am sure the General said Friday.
Yes, well, it doesn't matter, does it? Place yourself on the table so.
Yes.
Now then, have you ever been troubled by blurred vision, uh, dizziness, headaches? No.
Never.
Only occasional lapses of memory, eh? Open your shirt, please.
Yes, sir.
( humming ) How am I? Well, to put it bluntly, I would say your physical condition is not too bad.
Not too bad? ( humming ) But if you think it's not too bad, then it must be good.
Not necessarily.
Then that's bad.
Not really.
But what is it, good, bad or what? Not too good.
Oh.
But not too bad.
I wish I hadn't asked.
What's the matter, Schultz? There's a Major Kimmel at the front gate to see, uh, Colonel Klink.
Major Kimmel? He's a medical officer.
Medical officer? Ja.
He wants to give him his physical today instead of tomorrow.
Schultz, I want you to stall him for three minutes.
Then the Kommandant can see him.
Yeah, but why? We're trying to save Klink from the Russian front.
And if we save him You will save me.
Right.
Now get going.
Raus, raus.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
I mean, Colonel.
Oh, I don't know what this war would be without him.
MAN: Sergeant, get out of my way.
Major, uh if you give me, uh, 37 seconds, I can explain the whole misunderstanding.
What misunderstanding? The misunderstanding we seem to be having.
I can explain to you, Major, if you give me, uh, 24 seconds.
Sergeant, if you don't get out of my way, I shall have you court-martialed.
Do you hear me? Jawohl, Major! Then step to one side.
Jawohl! Sergeant, step aside.
Sergeant Now the Kommandant will see you, Major.
Colonel Klink? Come right in, Doctor.
I'm all ready for you.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, Kommandant.
Have a good time in town, sir? Oh, yes.
Ran into an old friend.
Uh-huh.
We had a few drinks.
You know how it is.
I've almost forgotten.
It's been a long war, sir.
Hey, I like your old friend's shade of lipstick.
Well, anyway, uh no Russian front, you passed your physical.
Oh, yes, and just to prove how little these doctors know, the report says I have brown eyes.
Well, don't let it worry you, sir.
Oh, it doesn't.
Yup, no matter what they say, you'll always be "little blue eyes" to us.
( chuckling )