New Girl s05e16 Episode Script
Helmet
1 Good night, Sam.
Uh, you got any place I can put this change? Fahboh heh-mah.
[garbled by mouth guard.]
: All right, sorry.
I thought we had, uh, wrapped up the talking portion of the evening.
Uh, football helmet.
You're a Bears fan? Oh, you know, sometimes in life we collect things.
Trinkets.
Some sentimental, some not.
Nick gave it to me.
Is that, is that weird? N-n-no, that's fine.
I, uh, can't really believe I'm saying this, 'cause Nick being in your life has definitely been hard for me, but I'm getting used to it.
[garbled by mouth guard.]
: That makes me so happy.
Hey, this is gonna sound crazy, but my parents are in town tomorrow, and I thought maybe you could come meet them.
Yes, I'd love that.
Good.
You know, family's real important to me, and before I introduce you, I just wanted to make sure that we were solid.
We are so solid.
[gasps.]
[quietly.]
: Cece.
- [quietly.]
: I had a sex dream.
- So? [quietly.]
: It was about Nick.
[whisper-yell.]
: No! [whisper-yell.]
: I know! Where are my leftovers? What? Who cares? I care.
I brought it up.
I left perfectly nice leftovers in the fridge, and I expect them to be there.
Well, now they're not.
- End of discussion.
- No.
Middle of discussion.
You're not even gonna look at me? When you throw away my stuff, - you're throwing me away.
- Mm-hmm.
I wanted to have cold scallop pizza for breakfast and you took that from me.
You took that from me.
I hope you can live with yourself.
You're disgusting.
I'm actually really happy that you're eating breakfast, Nick.
It's nice to know that you're taking care of yourself.
Thank you.
Well, I'm on my way to meet Aly and her boyfriend for brunch.
[laughing.]
: And I am super excited to meet him.
Yeah, that was sarcasm.
And this is shark-casm: I just hate eating people.
Dear Lord, do you mean to tell me that you're going to brunch with the woman that you love and her boyfriend? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
No, it's not that bad.
I mean, I'm in a prank marriage, anyway.
And I'm over Aly, so - Don't you lie to me, Winston.
- I'm not lying.
You and both know that you are not even a little bit over Aly.
I'm coming with you.
All right, fine, Schmidt, you can come.
But please, do me a favor? Don't be weird and start smelling people's bread.
Either you eat bread, or you don't eat bread.
There's nothing in between, man.
So in the dream, what was Nick He was wearing this.
He was wearing a frickin' football helmet.
Ah, damn.
What happened next was primal.
Man versus woman.
The ancient battle of the flesh.
Calm down.
It's probably just happening because you're getting more serious with Sam.
Yes.
And Sam is finally, just a little bit, sort of, starting to trust me.
And he wants me to meet his parents.
You can't meet a man's parents if your ex is making love to you in your head.
I need my mind Nick-free by tonight.
On this bed is everything Nick gave me while we were together.
I'm going to get rid of it to clear my subconscious.
All right.
Good-bye, sex helmet.
Good-bye, uh, lacquered bagel with my name on it.
Good-bye, world's tiniest hedgehog.
That was a gift? Good-bye almost done Rubik's Cube.
Literally, it was one turn from the end - and he would not finish it.
- That makes sense with Nick.
People try to pretend like the brain is so complicated, but I feel better already.
Well, the two most important men in my life are finally meeting.
And for some reason this other guy's here.
Yo.
Hey, brunch is on me today, guys, okay? So, feel free to add blue cheese to anything.
I'm an agent for animal actors.
He's doing pretty good.
He recently signed the crow from Game of Thrones.
- Darnell.
You know his name.
- Darnell.
That's right.
I didn't realize an animal agent was a real job.
Let me put it to you this way, so the next Avatar movie takes place on a cat planet, and, uh, I was the first one they called.
- Shut up.
- I know.
- I knew you were gonna like that.
- A cat planet? I know.
He swore me to secrecy.
I was gonna tell you.
My good you know, I always thought Furguson should be in the movies.
Would you interested in, uh, I don't know, taking a meeting with him? He's got no representation, so he's Let me guess.
Wait.
He has an adorable yawn? - Yeah.
- Of course he does.
He's a cat.
But can he show up every day to work? I run a business.
Pass.
Yeah, never mind.
Dumb idea.
Tripp, you have got to sit down with Furguson.
He's literally one of the most beautiful creatures I've ever laid eyes on.
Really? I thought you hated him.
I thought you hated cats in general, actually.
I love Furguson, are you kidding me? It's Furguson.
He's got that, uh he's got the little, uh, his, uh You know, his front? Does he have a headshot? No, but W-Winston, actually does have a lot of 8x10 photos of the cat's face.
All right, fine.
Bring him by my office.
Can't miss it.
It's the tallest building in Beverly Hills.
Hey, hey, hey.
Where'd you get that? I got this from the shoulder-less Dutch boy you live with.
- Jess? - Possibly.
That's mine.
Why are they throwing away my stuff? They're throwing away me.
Give it back.
All right, but my babies come with it.
I don't want your rock babies.
- Well, I'll just keep 'em.
- Okay.
[rock clattering.]
Sorry, Leviticus.
He's tough.
Why is everyone throwing away my stuff? First of all, that is not your helmet.
You gave that to me.
And second of all, I need a clean house.
I need a clean room.
A clean mind.
Yeah, dirty room, dirty dreams.
No dirty dreams.
No one had dirty dreams.
What are you talking about? No dirty dreams.
So there has been dirty dreams? - No.
- What'd you have a dream about? It's interesting, Jessica.
What was it about? There was no dream, dude.
Well, which one of you is gonna crack and tell me what the dream was about? Jess? Or Cece? You looked at the helmet.
- Cece! - I did not.
I did not.
You had a sex dream about a Bear's helmet? Who was wearing it? Ditka? Vic Fangio? John Fox? Our GM, Ryan Pace? He's cute, but come on.
She doesn't know any of those people, Nick.
- Cece! - So She doesn't know those people.
So it was somebody you know.
There wasn't No.
Absolutely not.
No.
Oh, my God.
You had a sex dream about me.
No.
It was no there was no Well, well, well, well, well.
- Thanks a lot, Cece.
- That was my bad.
I'm sorry.
Pancakes and syrup, girls.
Let's eat.
Nick, I have to meet Sam's parents tonight.
I don't have time for this.
What will it take for you to just forget about this and get rid of the helmet? Oh, just every single detail - about the dream.
- Damn.
Now, and this one is a biggie, - was I 100% percent human? - What? Obviously.
Okay, I'm just trying to figure out the reality of the dream.
Well, we were having sex, so in that sense, it was not reality-based at all, because that's never gonna happen again.
Oh! You sound like the beginning of a Salt-N-Pepa song, and I just wish we could just, like, act like adults.
Definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely.
Were you just recreating our best encounter? Was it Glove City again? - Our best was not Glove City.
- Oh, it wasn't? It was for you, but not for me.
So what was our best, in your opinion? Ooh, you just walked right into that one.
Okay, it wasn't something that actually happened.
It was historical.
Oh, historical, so was there a dragon? No, it was historical.
You think dragons are real? I think there's a lot of debate about it.
And there's a lot of blogs about it.
And I know that as a fact, 'cause I've written one.
Do you think dinosaurs are dragons? There's debate about dragons, Jess, and we're not doing this right now.
Wow, this office is nice.
M look, this is so nice of you, man.
You didn't really have to come.
Of course, I came.
I believe in yo I believe in Furguson.
Is that offer a joke? Huh? Because I will feed you to my eagle.
'Sup.
Let's talk puss.
Ready to show me your hairy little guy? - What? - Ugh.
Oh.
Yes, uh Introducing The mouse murderin', the heart burglarin', the king of the kennel, Furguson Michael Jordan Bishop.
[Furguson purring.]
He's lickin' his no-no.
America's sweetheart.
All right.
This is catnip oil.
The professional cats don't need it to come out of the box.
[Furguson purring.]
Who's a good cat? Who's a good cat? Who's a good cat? Not you.
This cat doesn't have it.
- What? - Let me show you something.
This is a star.
This is Patches.
If you find yourself at the intersection of Grace and Courage, look up.
The street sign says, "Patches.
" She is "bang, marry, kill" in one furry little package.
You want to own her.
Run to her.
Run from her.
- Wow.
- Most of all, you want to watch her.
Patches is a trash cat.
This is who you take to the Avatar audition.
This is sexy.
And this? This is normal.
And normal doesn't pay for the cruise in the Arctic that I'm taking Aly on.
Unless I sign a baby walrus and then the whole thing's a write-off.
That was humiliating.
Yeah, for Tripp.
Because Furguson is gonna book Avatar.
I stole the script off of his desk.
We're gog to crash that audition today.
Oh.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Oh, uh, two, please.
- You got it.
- [elevator bell dings.]
- [sighs.]
What's his name? Josh.
So your football helmet was caked in soot.
Why was I a chimney sweep? Well, a chimney is hollow and you're just like jamming - something into it.
- What does that have to do with sex? - Get a hold of yourself.
- Sorry.
So you took me to a dark, Victorian alley.
It was filthy.
I was on top.
Okay, I'm okay with that.
Our passion drowns out the coughs from the orphans inside.
And then Winston brings us scones.
And that's it.
Really sweet of him.
I'm starving after sex, especially when I have to lay on my back.
You're starving all the time.
- Who invited you in this room? - JESS: All right? Are we good? Can we get rid of the helmet? I'm concerned, as a friend, that Sam isn't satisfying you sexually.
I can confidently say that's not what this is about.
Maybe he's just not rotating your tires enough, Jess.
What? You know you need that at least once a month.
Nick.
For sex, that's not enough.
And for literal tire rotation, that's way too frequent.
Not when you drive like I do.
Not when you drive like I do.
I have to get ready to meet Sam's parents.
Will you please get out of here? Yes.
I'm leaving, but I will not throw away this helmet.
Why? You didn't care about that helmet when you gave it to me? Yes, I did.
It was a Christmas gift.
I gave you a Christmas present, and you said, Christmas? What? Hold up.
And then you went and got that helmet.
Unwrapped.
What was I supposed to do with it? - Wear it? - I wouldn't do Oh, the perfect ensemble for a night at the theater.
Throw whatever you want at me, Blue Men.
- I'm ready.
- [knocking at door.]
Oh, crap.
That's Sam.
Ugh.
Okay, why won't this come off? Probably because it's a child-size medium.
What?! Why would you give me a child's helmet? I didn't think you were gonna put it on.
Cece, help me, help me.
- Yeah, I got it.
- I can't meet Sam's parents like this.
Okay, ready? [groans.]
NICK: It's not going to help.
Okay, no, it's-it's really stuck, babe.
Suck your head in.
I can't suck my head in.
Then throw a jersey on and pants, and just pretend you're a little football player.
I can't go out with a helmet.
You look ridiculous.
I'm aware.
Cece, can you go out there and stall Sam? He knows that Nick gave me this helmet - [knocking.]
- and he can't see me in it.
Okay, what's my lie? Chlamydia? No! No! Anything else.
Literally, anything else.
Okay, anything else, okay.
Hey, hey, Legs.
What's up? You and I have never really clicked, huh? [cats meowing.]
Oh, boy.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
Patches is walking like a person.
This was a enormous mistake.
Is it, um, hard being a doctor? - Yeah.
- Oh.
What's taking Jess so long? Get! Off! - Stop, you're gonna break it.
- My! Head! Whatever.
I'll buy you a new one.
[grunting.]
You can't.
My dad gave it to me.
You gave me something that your dad gave you? Well I just used it to put dirty change in.
Why didn't you tell me? I don't like talking about emotional stuff, especially about my dead father.
No, I yeah.
I get it.
I get I get it as much as someone who has two, living, healthy parents can.
Easy.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
That was was that too harsh? I just I'm messing everything up.
You know what? I'm just gonna tell Sam everything, and I'll see what happens.
No.
I think I know how to get it off.
Okay, run backwards.
- Yeah, it's not working.
- It's not working.
You run backwards.
[screaming.]
[screaming.]
[grunting.]
- It's moving.
Rock with me.
- Okay.
- All right.
Well, don't stop.
- [yells.]
JESS: You got to keep going.
Do it harder.
If it slips out, tell me.
I don't want to accidentally put it back in.
Don't stop, Whatever you do, don't stop.
Just relax.
- Don't stop.
- [yelling.]
[yelling.]
- Jess? - Oh.
Oh.
No, no.
There was a scallop pizza No, I was mad at Nick, - and it was in the fridge.
- so I put the helmet on.
Schmidt threw it away.
What is going on here? Okay, um [groans.]
I had a sex dream about Nick.
Let me back up.
Last night, you asked me about this helmet.
Sorry.
Let me fast forward.
The helmet's stuck on my head.
Look, I know this is a lot to ask, but is there any way, you could just trust me when I tell you that it was just a stupid sex dream.
Okay, yes.
Yeah, no.
I trust you.
Thank you.
But right now, my parents are expecting us.
So, you know, a lot of kids come into the hospital with stuff stuck on their head.
Do you guys have a screwdriver or a hammer? Oh, uh, we can't break it 'cause Nick's dad gave it to him.
Right.
Uh, well I have to go meet my parents, so I'll call you tomorrow.
Hey.
What are you doing out here, man? I'm sorry I got us into this, Winston.
That frickin' cat's a genius.
Yeah.
I don't want to humiliate your cat.
I care about Furguson.
I don't want I don't want that poor thing to be humiliated.
Hey, hey, hey.
I can't imagine his self-esteem level already.
It's got to be very low.
Through the frickin' roof, the self-esteem.
Don't worry about Furguson, okay? Okay, I can't do this anymore.
Are we talking about Furguson, or are we talking about you? - We're talking about me, okay? - I knew it.
Furguson is me.
Patches is Tripp, all right? I knew we've been dancing around that all day.
Can we please go? I haven't eaten anything in six hours.
You know what? No.
Patches may know a lot of tricks, but you know how Furguson's gonna get Aly? I think you're getting lost, Winston, but keep going.
He's gonna keep trying, okay? He's never gonna give up.
That's his trick.
Now come on, man.
Let's get back in there.
Come on.
- Come on.
- All right.
- Let's go.
- Yeah, no.
Let's do this.
Let's go.
What are you guys doing here? Wait a second.
You're not auditioning that housecat, are you? Oh, that is exactly what I'm doing.
Tripp, can I borrow that catnip oil just for a sec? Sure, but I think you know very well it's not going to help you in there.
We'll see about that.
Oh, my God.
That stuff is so concentrated.
What are you doing? - [meow.]
- Aha! [Patches meowing.]
It looks like Patches is gonna have a little trouble concentrating on her audition.
[people shouting.]
[stammering.]
God save me.
Furguson, avenge me! Avenge me! [cats meowing.]
I need a straw.
Ugh, I should be charming the pants off Sam's parents right now.
Jess.
We're gonna break it.
But what about your dad? Look, it sucks to admit, but Sam's a really good guy with above average handsomeness.
And he's above six feet tall, which I know means a lot to you.
And he makes you happy, and so I think it's time for me to stop coming in between you guys.
Let's do this.
Let's have a little bit of fun, huh? [clattering.]
I will be going on the count of three.
One, zero, two, three, four What are you doing? You never go on three.
You want to catch the patient off guard.
It's less scary that way.
Everybody knows it.
It's just a doctor trick.
Nick.
So this time I am going on three.
- One, two, three, four - Do it! [Nick and Jess yelling.]
So this is the famous Patches.
No.
I am Winston L'andre Bishop and this is: the king of cats.
Lover of mats.
No friend of rats.
The kitty from Angel City, Furguson Michael Jordan Bishop.
[laughs.]
[meows.]
[laughing.]
He just, poof I'm gonna try to settle him down.
and disappeared.
[laughter continues.]
What would you do if your son was at home Crying all alone - On the bedroom floor - Oh, my God, he's singing to the cat.
- Come on.
- He's singing to the cat.
Let's get out of here.
It's okay.
We're here.
We're here.
Okay, Patches is here.
I was four steps away from freedom [sighs.]
and I fell.
Oh, they were on me, and they traversed me.
It was like I was their city and they were all rushing to work.
May I just please take a moment with Patches? She needs a, a moment to center herself.
She almost OD'd on catnip.
Forget about Patches.
You should represent more cats like Furguson.
- What? - What? You were laughing at him.
He's an original.
Makes Patches look like a Culkin brother.
What?! [laughing.]
It's hard to celebrate this moment with so much cat hair in my mouth.
You did it, buddy.
Really? Really? Now you're gloating? - Huh? Winston? - Ah.
Do you have to be such a dick? I mean, you're already so intimidating.
Do you have to go out of your way to actually get at me? Intimidating? Aly talks about you all the time, obviously.
You're a cop.
You're a hero.
Last weekend, I went to a turtle's birthday party.
This is oddly emotional.
- You're intimidated by me? - Yes.
It's funny how life works, man.
It's ironic.
This is amazing.
You know what, Tripp? You don't have to worry about Furguson competing with Patches.
Yeah.
I'm taking him out of the game.
I don't like this life for him.
Oh, yeah! You blew it, son.
Oh, God, am I unhappy.
- I'm casting cats.
- [Patches meows.]
Hi.
So sorry I'm late.
It's a long story.
[laughs nervously.]
- I'm really glad you made it.
- Me, too.
- Uh, Dad, Dad, this is Jess.
- Hi.
- So nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Oh.
Huh.
A little piece of helmet.
[laughs.]
What did you think of Tripp? I know he's a little intense.
Well, look, I mean, if he makes you happy, then, uh and I like him, so Thanks.
You know, for a guy who eats his raisins hot, your opinion means a lot to me.
Thank you.
What's up with Schmidt? [hissing, huffs.]
Oh, he's haunted.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Did you have a dream last night? Yeah, just the usual.
You know, the one where I'm in a muffin test kitchen and Hillary Clinton tells me my muffins suck.
So that's the regular one.
Got you a present.
- Can I open it right now? - Yes.
Oh.
I thought you could hang it on the wall here.
I love that.
It's like your dad's looking over the bar.
Aw, thank you, Jess.
It's really nice.
All right.
Now to be fair, I've had some sex dreams about you, too.
First, there was the one where I was a spider and instead of legs it was penises.
- No, I'm out.
- It was eight penises - Yeah, I know.
- Oh.
You were there, too.
I'm out.
- Was I there? - And I'm out.
Oh, that would've been so cool.
Uh, you got any place I can put this change? Fahboh heh-mah.
[garbled by mouth guard.]
: All right, sorry.
I thought we had, uh, wrapped up the talking portion of the evening.
Uh, football helmet.
You're a Bears fan? Oh, you know, sometimes in life we collect things.
Trinkets.
Some sentimental, some not.
Nick gave it to me.
Is that, is that weird? N-n-no, that's fine.
I, uh, can't really believe I'm saying this, 'cause Nick being in your life has definitely been hard for me, but I'm getting used to it.
[garbled by mouth guard.]
: That makes me so happy.
Hey, this is gonna sound crazy, but my parents are in town tomorrow, and I thought maybe you could come meet them.
Yes, I'd love that.
Good.
You know, family's real important to me, and before I introduce you, I just wanted to make sure that we were solid.
We are so solid.
[gasps.]
[quietly.]
: Cece.
- [quietly.]
: I had a sex dream.
- So? [quietly.]
: It was about Nick.
[whisper-yell.]
: No! [whisper-yell.]
: I know! Where are my leftovers? What? Who cares? I care.
I brought it up.
I left perfectly nice leftovers in the fridge, and I expect them to be there.
Well, now they're not.
- End of discussion.
- No.
Middle of discussion.
You're not even gonna look at me? When you throw away my stuff, - you're throwing me away.
- Mm-hmm.
I wanted to have cold scallop pizza for breakfast and you took that from me.
You took that from me.
I hope you can live with yourself.
You're disgusting.
I'm actually really happy that you're eating breakfast, Nick.
It's nice to know that you're taking care of yourself.
Thank you.
Well, I'm on my way to meet Aly and her boyfriend for brunch.
[laughing.]
: And I am super excited to meet him.
Yeah, that was sarcasm.
And this is shark-casm: I just hate eating people.
Dear Lord, do you mean to tell me that you're going to brunch with the woman that you love and her boyfriend? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
No, it's not that bad.
I mean, I'm in a prank marriage, anyway.
And I'm over Aly, so - Don't you lie to me, Winston.
- I'm not lying.
You and both know that you are not even a little bit over Aly.
I'm coming with you.
All right, fine, Schmidt, you can come.
But please, do me a favor? Don't be weird and start smelling people's bread.
Either you eat bread, or you don't eat bread.
There's nothing in between, man.
So in the dream, what was Nick He was wearing this.
He was wearing a frickin' football helmet.
Ah, damn.
What happened next was primal.
Man versus woman.
The ancient battle of the flesh.
Calm down.
It's probably just happening because you're getting more serious with Sam.
Yes.
And Sam is finally, just a little bit, sort of, starting to trust me.
And he wants me to meet his parents.
You can't meet a man's parents if your ex is making love to you in your head.
I need my mind Nick-free by tonight.
On this bed is everything Nick gave me while we were together.
I'm going to get rid of it to clear my subconscious.
All right.
Good-bye, sex helmet.
Good-bye, uh, lacquered bagel with my name on it.
Good-bye, world's tiniest hedgehog.
That was a gift? Good-bye almost done Rubik's Cube.
Literally, it was one turn from the end - and he would not finish it.
- That makes sense with Nick.
People try to pretend like the brain is so complicated, but I feel better already.
Well, the two most important men in my life are finally meeting.
And for some reason this other guy's here.
Yo.
Hey, brunch is on me today, guys, okay? So, feel free to add blue cheese to anything.
I'm an agent for animal actors.
He's doing pretty good.
He recently signed the crow from Game of Thrones.
- Darnell.
You know his name.
- Darnell.
That's right.
I didn't realize an animal agent was a real job.
Let me put it to you this way, so the next Avatar movie takes place on a cat planet, and, uh, I was the first one they called.
- Shut up.
- I know.
- I knew you were gonna like that.
- A cat planet? I know.
He swore me to secrecy.
I was gonna tell you.
My good you know, I always thought Furguson should be in the movies.
Would you interested in, uh, I don't know, taking a meeting with him? He's got no representation, so he's Let me guess.
Wait.
He has an adorable yawn? - Yeah.
- Of course he does.
He's a cat.
But can he show up every day to work? I run a business.
Pass.
Yeah, never mind.
Dumb idea.
Tripp, you have got to sit down with Furguson.
He's literally one of the most beautiful creatures I've ever laid eyes on.
Really? I thought you hated him.
I thought you hated cats in general, actually.
I love Furguson, are you kidding me? It's Furguson.
He's got that, uh he's got the little, uh, his, uh You know, his front? Does he have a headshot? No, but W-Winston, actually does have a lot of 8x10 photos of the cat's face.
All right, fine.
Bring him by my office.
Can't miss it.
It's the tallest building in Beverly Hills.
Hey, hey, hey.
Where'd you get that? I got this from the shoulder-less Dutch boy you live with.
- Jess? - Possibly.
That's mine.
Why are they throwing away my stuff? They're throwing away me.
Give it back.
All right, but my babies come with it.
I don't want your rock babies.
- Well, I'll just keep 'em.
- Okay.
[rock clattering.]
Sorry, Leviticus.
He's tough.
Why is everyone throwing away my stuff? First of all, that is not your helmet.
You gave that to me.
And second of all, I need a clean house.
I need a clean room.
A clean mind.
Yeah, dirty room, dirty dreams.
No dirty dreams.
No one had dirty dreams.
What are you talking about? No dirty dreams.
So there has been dirty dreams? - No.
- What'd you have a dream about? It's interesting, Jessica.
What was it about? There was no dream, dude.
Well, which one of you is gonna crack and tell me what the dream was about? Jess? Or Cece? You looked at the helmet.
- Cece! - I did not.
I did not.
You had a sex dream about a Bear's helmet? Who was wearing it? Ditka? Vic Fangio? John Fox? Our GM, Ryan Pace? He's cute, but come on.
She doesn't know any of those people, Nick.
- Cece! - So She doesn't know those people.
So it was somebody you know.
There wasn't No.
Absolutely not.
No.
Oh, my God.
You had a sex dream about me.
No.
It was no there was no Well, well, well, well, well.
- Thanks a lot, Cece.
- That was my bad.
I'm sorry.
Pancakes and syrup, girls.
Let's eat.
Nick, I have to meet Sam's parents tonight.
I don't have time for this.
What will it take for you to just forget about this and get rid of the helmet? Oh, just every single detail - about the dream.
- Damn.
Now, and this one is a biggie, - was I 100% percent human? - What? Obviously.
Okay, I'm just trying to figure out the reality of the dream.
Well, we were having sex, so in that sense, it was not reality-based at all, because that's never gonna happen again.
Oh! You sound like the beginning of a Salt-N-Pepa song, and I just wish we could just, like, act like adults.
Definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely.
Were you just recreating our best encounter? Was it Glove City again? - Our best was not Glove City.
- Oh, it wasn't? It was for you, but not for me.
So what was our best, in your opinion? Ooh, you just walked right into that one.
Okay, it wasn't something that actually happened.
It was historical.
Oh, historical, so was there a dragon? No, it was historical.
You think dragons are real? I think there's a lot of debate about it.
And there's a lot of blogs about it.
And I know that as a fact, 'cause I've written one.
Do you think dinosaurs are dragons? There's debate about dragons, Jess, and we're not doing this right now.
Wow, this office is nice.
M look, this is so nice of you, man.
You didn't really have to come.
Of course, I came.
I believe in yo I believe in Furguson.
Is that offer a joke? Huh? Because I will feed you to my eagle.
'Sup.
Let's talk puss.
Ready to show me your hairy little guy? - What? - Ugh.
Oh.
Yes, uh Introducing The mouse murderin', the heart burglarin', the king of the kennel, Furguson Michael Jordan Bishop.
[Furguson purring.]
He's lickin' his no-no.
America's sweetheart.
All right.
This is catnip oil.
The professional cats don't need it to come out of the box.
[Furguson purring.]
Who's a good cat? Who's a good cat? Who's a good cat? Not you.
This cat doesn't have it.
- What? - Let me show you something.
This is a star.
This is Patches.
If you find yourself at the intersection of Grace and Courage, look up.
The street sign says, "Patches.
" She is "bang, marry, kill" in one furry little package.
You want to own her.
Run to her.
Run from her.
- Wow.
- Most of all, you want to watch her.
Patches is a trash cat.
This is who you take to the Avatar audition.
This is sexy.
And this? This is normal.
And normal doesn't pay for the cruise in the Arctic that I'm taking Aly on.
Unless I sign a baby walrus and then the whole thing's a write-off.
That was humiliating.
Yeah, for Tripp.
Because Furguson is gonna book Avatar.
I stole the script off of his desk.
We're gog to crash that audition today.
Oh.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Oh, uh, two, please.
- You got it.
- [elevator bell dings.]
- [sighs.]
What's his name? Josh.
So your football helmet was caked in soot.
Why was I a chimney sweep? Well, a chimney is hollow and you're just like jamming - something into it.
- What does that have to do with sex? - Get a hold of yourself.
- Sorry.
So you took me to a dark, Victorian alley.
It was filthy.
I was on top.
Okay, I'm okay with that.
Our passion drowns out the coughs from the orphans inside.
And then Winston brings us scones.
And that's it.
Really sweet of him.
I'm starving after sex, especially when I have to lay on my back.
You're starving all the time.
- Who invited you in this room? - JESS: All right? Are we good? Can we get rid of the helmet? I'm concerned, as a friend, that Sam isn't satisfying you sexually.
I can confidently say that's not what this is about.
Maybe he's just not rotating your tires enough, Jess.
What? You know you need that at least once a month.
Nick.
For sex, that's not enough.
And for literal tire rotation, that's way too frequent.
Not when you drive like I do.
Not when you drive like I do.
I have to get ready to meet Sam's parents.
Will you please get out of here? Yes.
I'm leaving, but I will not throw away this helmet.
Why? You didn't care about that helmet when you gave it to me? Yes, I did.
It was a Christmas gift.
I gave you a Christmas present, and you said, Christmas? What? Hold up.
And then you went and got that helmet.
Unwrapped.
What was I supposed to do with it? - Wear it? - I wouldn't do Oh, the perfect ensemble for a night at the theater.
Throw whatever you want at me, Blue Men.
- I'm ready.
- [knocking at door.]
Oh, crap.
That's Sam.
Ugh.
Okay, why won't this come off? Probably because it's a child-size medium.
What?! Why would you give me a child's helmet? I didn't think you were gonna put it on.
Cece, help me, help me.
- Yeah, I got it.
- I can't meet Sam's parents like this.
Okay, ready? [groans.]
NICK: It's not going to help.
Okay, no, it's-it's really stuck, babe.
Suck your head in.
I can't suck my head in.
Then throw a jersey on and pants, and just pretend you're a little football player.
I can't go out with a helmet.
You look ridiculous.
I'm aware.
Cece, can you go out there and stall Sam? He knows that Nick gave me this helmet - [knocking.]
- and he can't see me in it.
Okay, what's my lie? Chlamydia? No! No! Anything else.
Literally, anything else.
Okay, anything else, okay.
Hey, hey, Legs.
What's up? You and I have never really clicked, huh? [cats meowing.]
Oh, boy.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
Patches is walking like a person.
This was a enormous mistake.
Is it, um, hard being a doctor? - Yeah.
- Oh.
What's taking Jess so long? Get! Off! - Stop, you're gonna break it.
- My! Head! Whatever.
I'll buy you a new one.
[grunting.]
You can't.
My dad gave it to me.
You gave me something that your dad gave you? Well I just used it to put dirty change in.
Why didn't you tell me? I don't like talking about emotional stuff, especially about my dead father.
No, I yeah.
I get it.
I get I get it as much as someone who has two, living, healthy parents can.
Easy.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
That was was that too harsh? I just I'm messing everything up.
You know what? I'm just gonna tell Sam everything, and I'll see what happens.
No.
I think I know how to get it off.
Okay, run backwards.
- Yeah, it's not working.
- It's not working.
You run backwards.
[screaming.]
[screaming.]
[grunting.]
- It's moving.
Rock with me.
- Okay.
- All right.
Well, don't stop.
- [yells.]
JESS: You got to keep going.
Do it harder.
If it slips out, tell me.
I don't want to accidentally put it back in.
Don't stop, Whatever you do, don't stop.
Just relax.
- Don't stop.
- [yelling.]
[yelling.]
- Jess? - Oh.
Oh.
No, no.
There was a scallop pizza No, I was mad at Nick, - and it was in the fridge.
- so I put the helmet on.
Schmidt threw it away.
What is going on here? Okay, um [groans.]
I had a sex dream about Nick.
Let me back up.
Last night, you asked me about this helmet.
Sorry.
Let me fast forward.
The helmet's stuck on my head.
Look, I know this is a lot to ask, but is there any way, you could just trust me when I tell you that it was just a stupid sex dream.
Okay, yes.
Yeah, no.
I trust you.
Thank you.
But right now, my parents are expecting us.
So, you know, a lot of kids come into the hospital with stuff stuck on their head.
Do you guys have a screwdriver or a hammer? Oh, uh, we can't break it 'cause Nick's dad gave it to him.
Right.
Uh, well I have to go meet my parents, so I'll call you tomorrow.
Hey.
What are you doing out here, man? I'm sorry I got us into this, Winston.
That frickin' cat's a genius.
Yeah.
I don't want to humiliate your cat.
I care about Furguson.
I don't want I don't want that poor thing to be humiliated.
Hey, hey, hey.
I can't imagine his self-esteem level already.
It's got to be very low.
Through the frickin' roof, the self-esteem.
Don't worry about Furguson, okay? Okay, I can't do this anymore.
Are we talking about Furguson, or are we talking about you? - We're talking about me, okay? - I knew it.
Furguson is me.
Patches is Tripp, all right? I knew we've been dancing around that all day.
Can we please go? I haven't eaten anything in six hours.
You know what? No.
Patches may know a lot of tricks, but you know how Furguson's gonna get Aly? I think you're getting lost, Winston, but keep going.
He's gonna keep trying, okay? He's never gonna give up.
That's his trick.
Now come on, man.
Let's get back in there.
Come on.
- Come on.
- All right.
- Let's go.
- Yeah, no.
Let's do this.
Let's go.
What are you guys doing here? Wait a second.
You're not auditioning that housecat, are you? Oh, that is exactly what I'm doing.
Tripp, can I borrow that catnip oil just for a sec? Sure, but I think you know very well it's not going to help you in there.
We'll see about that.
Oh, my God.
That stuff is so concentrated.
What are you doing? - [meow.]
- Aha! [Patches meowing.]
It looks like Patches is gonna have a little trouble concentrating on her audition.
[people shouting.]
[stammering.]
God save me.
Furguson, avenge me! Avenge me! [cats meowing.]
I need a straw.
Ugh, I should be charming the pants off Sam's parents right now.
Jess.
We're gonna break it.
But what about your dad? Look, it sucks to admit, but Sam's a really good guy with above average handsomeness.
And he's above six feet tall, which I know means a lot to you.
And he makes you happy, and so I think it's time for me to stop coming in between you guys.
Let's do this.
Let's have a little bit of fun, huh? [clattering.]
I will be going on the count of three.
One, zero, two, three, four What are you doing? You never go on three.
You want to catch the patient off guard.
It's less scary that way.
Everybody knows it.
It's just a doctor trick.
Nick.
So this time I am going on three.
- One, two, three, four - Do it! [Nick and Jess yelling.]
So this is the famous Patches.
No.
I am Winston L'andre Bishop and this is: the king of cats.
Lover of mats.
No friend of rats.
The kitty from Angel City, Furguson Michael Jordan Bishop.
[laughs.]
[meows.]
[laughing.]
He just, poof I'm gonna try to settle him down.
and disappeared.
[laughter continues.]
What would you do if your son was at home Crying all alone - On the bedroom floor - Oh, my God, he's singing to the cat.
- Come on.
- He's singing to the cat.
Let's get out of here.
It's okay.
We're here.
We're here.
Okay, Patches is here.
I was four steps away from freedom [sighs.]
and I fell.
Oh, they were on me, and they traversed me.
It was like I was their city and they were all rushing to work.
May I just please take a moment with Patches? She needs a, a moment to center herself.
She almost OD'd on catnip.
Forget about Patches.
You should represent more cats like Furguson.
- What? - What? You were laughing at him.
He's an original.
Makes Patches look like a Culkin brother.
What?! [laughing.]
It's hard to celebrate this moment with so much cat hair in my mouth.
You did it, buddy.
Really? Really? Now you're gloating? - Huh? Winston? - Ah.
Do you have to be such a dick? I mean, you're already so intimidating.
Do you have to go out of your way to actually get at me? Intimidating? Aly talks about you all the time, obviously.
You're a cop.
You're a hero.
Last weekend, I went to a turtle's birthday party.
This is oddly emotional.
- You're intimidated by me? - Yes.
It's funny how life works, man.
It's ironic.
This is amazing.
You know what, Tripp? You don't have to worry about Furguson competing with Patches.
Yeah.
I'm taking him out of the game.
I don't like this life for him.
Oh, yeah! You blew it, son.
Oh, God, am I unhappy.
- I'm casting cats.
- [Patches meows.]
Hi.
So sorry I'm late.
It's a long story.
[laughs nervously.]
- I'm really glad you made it.
- Me, too.
- Uh, Dad, Dad, this is Jess.
- Hi.
- So nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Oh.
Huh.
A little piece of helmet.
[laughs.]
What did you think of Tripp? I know he's a little intense.
Well, look, I mean, if he makes you happy, then, uh and I like him, so Thanks.
You know, for a guy who eats his raisins hot, your opinion means a lot to me.
Thank you.
What's up with Schmidt? [hissing, huffs.]
Oh, he's haunted.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Did you have a dream last night? Yeah, just the usual.
You know, the one where I'm in a muffin test kitchen and Hillary Clinton tells me my muffins suck.
So that's the regular one.
Got you a present.
- Can I open it right now? - Yes.
Oh.
I thought you could hang it on the wall here.
I love that.
It's like your dad's looking over the bar.
Aw, thank you, Jess.
It's really nice.
All right.
Now to be fair, I've had some sex dreams about you, too.
First, there was the one where I was a spider and instead of legs it was penises.
- No, I'm out.
- It was eight penises - Yeah, I know.
- Oh.
You were there, too.
I'm out.
- Was I there? - And I'm out.
Oh, that would've been so cool.