NewsRadio (1995) s05e16 Episode Script

[SUBWAY TRUNDLING.]
[MUTTERING.]
Shoot! [SIGHS.]
[CONDUCTER ANNOUNCES INDISTINCTLY OVER P.
A.
.]
Excuse me.
Excuse me, can you break this dollar for me, please? Yoo-hoo.
What the hell are you doing? I'm just breaking the, uh, dollar for the news-- Help me.
He's trying to take my money.
No.
No, no, I was breaking a dollar for the newspapers.
I need it for the newsstand.
[ALL SHOUTING.]
MAN: Get back, all of you! Oh, my God.
MAN: Make a way.
Oh, my God.
It's you.
[.]
Listen up.
Listen up, everybody.
I got big news.
Real big news.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Okay.
Remember that guy, that evil guy who took over Mr.
James' business empire and he got Mr.
James thrown into jail? Johnny Johnson? No, no, no, no.
The evil guy.
The evil guy who tried to take over the station and he proposed to Lisa.
His name is Johnny Johnson.
Anyway, you will never guess who I found in the subway station eating out of garbage.
Johnny Johnson? Well, they guessed.
Come on in.
Uh, hey, gang.
Johnny, what happened to you? Well, it's a long story, suffice it to say, but, uh, I'm homeless now.
Drunk and ruined.
What's new with you guys? I don't know what you're up to, but you are most unwelcome here.
Yeah, look, I-- I know that when I left here I swore that I'd come back someday and make you all my personal slaves.
Now, obviously, that's not gonna happen, so uh, anybody got a quarter? Yeah, here.
I, uh I got a penny.
Thanks.
Hey, you're welcome.
Not.
Max.
Don't "Max" me.
I trusted you.
I thought you were my friend.
But you were just using me as part of your evil scheme.
Wow, I feel about So anybody else? Quarter? You'll get no quarters here, Johnny.
Yeah.
No quarter given.
I think you should go, Johnny.
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, Dave, but I have some unfinished business here.
But before we get into that, does anybody have dibs on this garbage? No? Lisa.
Lisa, come here.
Look who's here.
Who? Look.
Hey, sugar puss.
Remember? That's Johnny Johnson.
You almost married him.
Yeah.
Yeah, of course I-- I remember.
How you doing, Johnny? He's a smelly bum now.
I'm a changed man, Lisa, and I've come to make good on my promise.
I want you to be my wife.
No kidding? Well, it was great catching up.
But I ha-- I have some DAVE: Uh, Johnny, I don't want to have to call Security, all right? Hold on, Dave.
I'm just putting myself together.
You can't just walk in here and expect Lisa to marry you.
Well, I'm not going away empty-handed.
Which reminds me-- No, I don't have any change.
Maybe later.
Uh-huh.
So you're not-- You're not just a-- A drunk, are you? You're also insane.
You really got it all going on, Johnny.
Looking back, what was the one major obstacle that kept me and Lisa apart? I don't know.
Maybe it's the fact that you're an evil bastard.
Exactly.
Guess what? I'm not evil anymore.
Oh, really? Well, congratulations.
What, did you use a patch or something? Dave, I learned more about honor and courage on the streets than I ever did in any corporate boardroom.
In short, Dave, I'm finally worthy of Lisa.
And now, nothing stands in the way of our perfect love match.
Except the fact you're a smelly, homeless drunk.
No, we prefer the term "wino.
" I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I'm not big on that p.
c.
stuff myself.
[.]
I can handle this.
You guys don't have to worry about me.
Be real.
This is Johnny we're talking about.
He's always working on nine different levels.
Actually, no, I think Johnny's only working on two levels.
The street and the subway.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, there's only one way to find out.
What's that? Marry him.
That way he'll tell you what he's up to.
I'm not going to marry him, Joe.
Not only did he break my heart, he also happens to be a drunken bum, who will soon go away and everything will be back to normal.
Will you vultures leave this woman alone? I know you're just putting up a brave front for these two.
It's okay.
I understand.
I love Johnny too.
BOTH: What? Not like that.
She loved him as a woman.
I loved him as a fellow macho man.
You're a macho man? Yes.
You know, he does kind of look like that Indian guy from the Village People.
Now, your finer muscatels, a dollar ninety-eight and up, a little pricey but they get you there.
Yeah, you-- You gets what you pays for.
Did I hear right? Is there a certain arch nemesis of mine in this office here? [BOTH LAUGH.]
God, a-- Ho! Johnny, son, you smell.
You see, Johnny lives on the street now, sir.
Well, of course he lives on the street.
Hm? You're not--? You're not surprised? No.
That's what happens when you empty a man's bank account and ruin his credit rating.
Blackball him so he can't ever get a job.
I call it my deluxe severance package.
And, uh, Johnny, you're not at all bitter about this? No.
Why should he be? It's just business.
Don't you ever tangle with this guy, Dave.
He will mess you up but good.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Yeah.
So, what the hell are you doing right now? I'm a wino.
Oh.
Well, how's, uh--? How's that treating you? Funny you should ask.
Last week, I got elected king of the winos.
Whoa! Hey, do you hear that, Dave? King of the damn winos.
Boy, oh, boy.
Can't keep a good man down, can you? Just burns you up, doesn't it? Yeah.
To a crisp.
I vowed to crush you, Johnny.
And when Jimmy James crushes a man, he usually stays crushed.
Well, don't blame yourself.
No, the only thing that's kept me going was knowing that I'll come back and marry Lisa Miller.
Dave, I demand that you call Security and have Jerky Jerkson here removed from this office immediately.
Max, you can call Security yourself.
No.
They don't return my calls anymore.
All right, look.
Just hold on for a sec.
Just-- Just hush up there, Max.
Now, did I hear right? You came back to marry Lisa? You got that right.
Well, that's-- That's entirely different.
See, yeah-- No, I vowed to crush you, that's right, but, you know, I'm a sucker.
I'm a sucker for the affairs of the heart.
I mean, I got a-- I got a stack of Harlequin romances, like, this tall back at the house, don't I, Max? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I am gonna let bygones be bygones.
In fact, I'm gonna help you get back together with Lisa.
Mr.
James, he hasn't suffered nearly enough.
Ah, don't worry, Max.
Jimmy's only offering to help because he thinks Lisa won't have anything to do with me and then I'll end up more crushed than I already am.
Whoa, what are you--? What are you talking about? That's-- That's crazy.
That's just crazy talk.
[.]
Lisa, I just want to tell you that I've dated a lot of guys who are lower than Johnny Johnson is right now.
And they are plenty attractive.
You've dated guys lower than Johnny? There's a lot more to working in a shelter than ladling out the soup.
Beth, look, it's over.
It's just over, okay? Lisa.
Hi, Johnny.
Do you want a quarter? Yes, but that's not why I came here.
Go on.
Tell her what you told us.
I know that you probably hate me.
I don't blame you.
But believe me, never a day goes by without my thoughts turning to you.
Even as I battle stray dogs for scraps of meat in urine-soaked alleys, all I can think of is Lisa Miller.
Oh, Johnny.
Gee, I can't believe that didn't work.
I thought you could've sold it more.
Yeah.
Here, just-- Just have a drink.
Loosen up a little bit.
There you go.
You're the king of the winos, aren't you? King of the winos.
[.]
Well, well, well.
Look at the new duds.
It looks like a certain wino's been saving his quarters.
Jimmy got me these.
He said I needed to work on my presentation.
He's been real helpful in that area.
Solid guy.
He's setting me up, but still, I gave him props.
Yeah, that's nice.
Getting a little spiffed up for Lisa.
Isn't that sweet? Okay, cut the act, pal.
We know you're evil and we got all the evidence right here.
Chump, you are capital B, busted.
What? We decided to investigate your innocent act.
Busted! After extensive investigation, including interviews with other winos at your subway stop At the cost of dozens of quarters which, I might add, was my whole Laundromat collection-- we have determined that among your few possessions was this incriminating library book.
And it's overdue.
"The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
" It is our contention you planned on utilizing these habits for your new attack on Jimmy James, Incorporated.
Overdue! Joe, in the index to this book, which I found and used as a pillow, is there a listing for fortified wine, drinking of? No.
Would the seven habits of highly effective people include eating out of trash cans or sleeping in one's clothes? No, but sleeping in your clothes probably would save a lot of time.
Well, gentlemen, I rest my case.
Yeah, that's right.
He's-- He's right in there.
He's putting on a new suit.
He's getting all worked up to propose to you and everything.
This is just sad.
I know.
Now, go in there and put him out of his misery.
You just want me to break his heart.
Lisa, I know a certain homeless person that's looking pretty good.
Thanks, Matthew.
JOE: Come on, freak.
[GROANS.]
Okay, fine.
I'll talk to him.
I'll talk to him.
But it's for his benefit, not yours.
Yeah, yeah.
Absolutely.
That's really good-- You go in there.
[LAUGHS.]
Squish! Oh, for God's sakes, let this end mercifully.
Uh, no-- No, wait.
Wait-- Wait, don't go, no, don't, no, don't.
Well, I guess she decided to let him down easy.
[.]
Well, that was exceedingly awkward.
Yeah.
I mean, that was-- She-- She was supposed to turn him away and thus crush him.
It was a good plan, Mr.
James.
Yeah.
The problem was merely that Lisa wasn't up to the job.
Uh-huh.
Meaning? Meaning I should have been the one to break his heart.
Dave, don't you see what's gonna happen now, huh? No, I-- I mean, Johnny's gonna get Lisa back.
He's gonna regain his self-esteem.
He's gonna kick the booze and then you know what's gonna happen? He's gonna take over my company.
I'm gonna be living in a flophouse in the Bowery.
S-sir, I really don't think you have anything to worry about.
Dave, I don't look good poor.
Well, anyway, I said to him, you know, "I'm not panhandling, I'm begging.
There's a difference.
" [BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, Johnny.
Oh, jeez.
Um, Lisa? Oh, hi, Dave.
Hi.
Yeah-- Could I speak to you in my office for just a moment? Sure.
Great.
Wait for you right here, darling.
I won't be long.
I'll count the seconds.
Do you promise? Cross my heart.
You can cross my heart too, because now it's yours.
Get rid of him, Dave.
Huh? He's destroying me, bit by bit, inch by inch, and I want him gone now.
You've been drinking his wine, haven't you? No.
Huh? Well, yes.
A little bit.
But that's not it.
That's not it.
I just can't say "no" to him.
I mean, my brain wants to say "no" but my mouth just keeps saying, "Oh, Johnny.
" Okay, what did he do? Did he beg? No.
Did he give you a quarter? No.
I'm afraid he didn't have to.
I wanted to let him down easy.
But the minute I look into those big brown eyes it's like a tractor beam for my tongue.
Yuck.
I'm gonna have to back that up.
The minute I look at him, I just forget about all the pain he caused me and how long it took me to get over him, and I just want to-- Put your tongue in his mouth.
Got that part.
I can't help myself.
I mean, it's just his eyes and his shoulders and that smell.
He smells like vomit.
[.]
Oh, here come the cowboys.
Opes quad, amigos.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Um, Johnny, I know you're all right.
But Joe here seems to think that you might still be a little bit evil.
Oh, you think that? It's a working hypothesis.
Let me tell you something, Joe.
Uh, evil makes a terrific hobby but as a lifestyle, it's just too damn frightening.
I used to come home from work and all I could do was just veg out in front of the idiot box.
That's good.
See? All right.
But I better not catch you trying to muscle in on Mr.
James' business again or it's gonna be price-club time.
Price club? Yeah, because when I open up a can of whoop-ass on somebody, it's industrial-sized.
Understood.
Guys, do you mind if I talk to Johnny for a moment? Yeah, but take it easy on him.
He seems to be pretty reformed.
Johnny's Jewish? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Where's Lisa? Johnny, I think you should just forget about Lisa.
Why is that? Johnny, you should leave, all right? It'll be best for everyone.
Dave, how can you ask me to leave heaven when I can still taste it on my lips? It's salty, warm.
Never dull.
That's Lisa.
Yeah, or it's microwave popcorn.
Yeah.
I hope you don't mind.
No, of course not, Johnny.
Now, Johnny, I-- I do believe that you've reformed and I'm-- And I'm really glad for you.
But it's just not gonna happen with you and Lisa, all right? Says you.
Says Lisa.
Why hasn't she said that to my face? Well, apparently it has something to do with the way you smell.
Well, Dave, I don't know why you'd lie to me, but I'm afraid this is something I'm gonna have to hear from the woman herself.
Oh, God.
I just don't get it.
Uh, baby, come out.
We need to talk.
Hi, Johnny.
Honeybunch, uh, Dave says you don't really want to be with me.
Tell him.
BOTH: Tell him.
Tell him.
Tell him.
Honeybunch? Yes, it's true, Johnny.
Go away.
I don't want you anymore.
Why? Look, I know.
Yes, we-- We-- We did once have something but that's over now.
And-- And you hurt me.
And I have to protect myself.
I would never hurt you again.
Oh.
I know.
But-- No.
Uh, no.
Just our-- Our paths have diverged, you know? I'm-- I'm a journalist and you're a wino.
Oh, baby, I'm the king.
I got responsibilities.
Just get out of here, Johnny.
What? Go.
Scram.
Wow, Lisa.
[CHUCKLES.]
That was cold.
Don't you have any feelings? What did you go and do that for? What? I did exactly what you wanted me to do.
I told you to crush his spirit not [WHIMPERS.]
break his heart.
You took a guy who was at the bottom and then you dug a new deeper bottom.
And then you pushed him in that.
Poor old, lovable wino.
You better find yourself a roommate, Lisa, because I don't know how you can live with yourself.
[.]
Hi, Johnny.
Lisa.
What are you doing here? Matthew told me where to find you.
Is she a friend of yours, Johnny? No, Freddie, I'm just a bum to her.
You got a quarter, lady? Johnny, I'm sorry that I was so harsh with you.
I-- I'm sorry.
Apology accepted.
You got a quarter? You know, this is hard for me too.
I mean, can't we just be friends? Well, it's like offering a steak-lover a cocktail weenie but I guess.
Well, this is where he was before.
JIMMY: Right over here? What are you doing here? Um, we wanted to come down and apologize to Johnny.
Uh, we treated you pretty shabbily.
ALL: Sorry.
We're sorry, Johnny.
Thanks.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I would like to kiss a friend goodbye.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Mwah.
Johnny? Yeah, babe? Marry me, you bum.
Come on, boys.
[.]