Reno 911! (2003) s05e16 Episode Script
The Parade
Hi! It's a very exciting day for the Reno sheriff's department.
We are participating in the statewide Law enforcement parade in Carson city! [cheering.]
We will be transforming this regular, run-of-the-mill cop car Into a splendid parade float like you might see in a cavalcade of roses.
The theme that we have chosen is "together we are united.
" So that will be boldly emblazoned- No, jim.
Jim, no.
That's not what we decided.
Yeah, it is.
Tell him what we did.
"we can do this.
" that was the theme.
No, that was what you voted for.
That was what you voted for.
You didn't want "wheels.
" It was "united in togetherness.
" Typical shit.
[all talking at once.]
You always fucking pull rank, jim.
We're united in togetherness.
Oh! What, mother fucker? What? Ow! Oh.
I was agreeing with you.
Don't do it again! mtv networks Freeze! Get on the ground! [gunshot.]
[machine-gun fire.]
All right.
The tornado Hell, no! We won't blow! Yeah! He's my friend.
Nah! [siren.]
You know, there is an award for best float.
What? Is it money? No.
It's a prize.
It's pride.
It's the dignity.
It's the good feeling of satisfaction That comes from having done something wonderful And made people feel good about law enforcement.
That's a bullshit prize.
Isn't everybody who does a float For the law enforcement parade supposed to feel A sense of dignity and pride? Yeah, but when you get that big cup at the end That says "best float"- Oh, it's a cup.
Imagine how much more dignity and pride- You know what? You said we'd feel pride When we did that aids quilt, And I didn't feel anything except totally disappointed.
'cause you didn't do shit.
'cause you didn't do shit.
That's not true.
I did the final Winnie-the-Pooh square.
I did.
I did the square.
You did two Winnie the Poohs, And what were they doing? Inappropriate for an AIDS quilt.
Anyway, we have decided on- Not that we're playing the patriotism card - kind of we are.
We would like to win, obviously, best float.
Uh, we have decided to honor September 11.
I would like, out of chicken wire, To make an osama head with his finger in his nose.
And I can do it.
I like that.
With papier mache.
An osama bin laden head That's classic.
And then when we get to the end of the route, We can hit it with a bat.
It could be a pinata.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my god.
I like that.
Candy and condoms could come out of the pinata.
So you're suggesting- Can we make a giant Bin Lada-blond- Bin Laden pinata? We could repaint that Abe Lincoln That we had for presidents day.
Ha ha ha.
Recycle.
Recycle.
This is good.
[shouting.]
I will do it! I will do it! I will blow this place up! [gun clicks.]
They have done me wrong, and I will blow it up! Don't you do it! Don't you dare do it! Put it down! Put it down! I want my money back, and I will blow this place up! Bettor? What? Are those hot dogs? Yeah.
Oh, oh, I told him it was hot dogs, And they go, they were like, "well, it's still an issue.
" It's just regular hot dogs.
It's regular hot dogs.
I got them from over there.
What is that thing in your hand? Oh, it's a Stereo.
I like this one.
Leave it on? Yeah, leave it on.
Turn it up a second.
Your bass is too high.
Set the bass.
I don't know how you do these things.
Hit the-there should be a thing for Sorry.
Audio.
Have you got audio? You know, that's what it is.
Listen.
Listen here.
These speakers are set up wrong, because now- You know what? It's coming from mostly over here.
Now we're balanced to the left.
Yeah, that's nice.
Yeah.
Try that.
Yeah.
It's nice.
All right.
Cool.
We got things accomplished, ladies.
We got things accomplished.
Wait.
Whoa, whoa.
Oh, come on now.
We were all having a good time about that treble/bass issue.
Hey, don't shoot him now.
I don't want to get sprayed.
Budget setbacks and cutbacks Means that we have to outsource our 911 calls To Bombay, India.
What? Yes, so I'm gonna call right now And see-check in on the last hour.
Man, Indian accent: Hello.
You have reached The nine hundred and eleven emergency center.
Can I help you, please? Mr.
Nanji Pur, sweetie pie, This Rayneesha Williams from the Reno sheriff's department.
Hold, please.
[indian music playing.]
Different man: Thank you for calling Boost mobile customer service.
How can I help you? This is Ranjit.
No, no, no.
Hello.
This is Trudy Weigel From the Reno sheriff's department.
Oh.
Hold, please.
[Indian music playing.]
Man: Uh, hello.
Hello, hello! Are you the nice lady who called about being raped? No, no, no.
Your confirmation number is "h" as in Hindu, "v" as in Vishnu.
Sir.
"p" as in Pompadu.
That is me.
Sir.
Listen, sir- I cannot help you about your rape Unless you give me your confirmation number.
Sir, listen! This is deputy Jones From the Reno sheriff's department, And we want our Oh, 911 calls.
Reno sheriff's department.
Yes, please.
Yes.
Uh, that is not my department.
Let me get you my supervisor.
Hold, please.
No no! Fuck! Uh, we were in the middle of a training exercise This morning, And Sonny here ate about 21/2 pounds Of C4 plastic explosive.
If this dog moves too suddenly, He's gonna go up like Nagasaki.
So hopefully pretty soon the C4 will mix with the manwiches I've been feeding with him all morning And nature will run its course, And I will be able to retrieve- You can do it.
You can do it.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Hi, my favorite.
Hi.
Yeah.
Hi, my favorite.
I'm gonna get this belly.
I'm gonna get this belly, belly.
I'm gonna get your belly, belly, belly.
Yeah, you got his belly, belly, belly, all right.
He gets the fucking point.
You got his belly, belly, belly.
Now back the fuck off.
Hey! Hey! No.
No.
He's my friend.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
That's a little too friendly.
I'll see you later.
Please don't hump the nice officer.
Here, come on.
Hey, hey.
Hey.
How about right here? Hey, how about right here? Yeah.
Mission accomplished.
Ew! You know, that's 90% of law enforcement Is just perseverance- stick to the task.
Hi, Travis.
Right, Sonny? Hey, how you doing? Oh, boy.
No! Stop! Sorry.
Stop.
Here we go.
Thank god you guys are here.
This eyesore- it's been like a- It's like a sliver under my- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
First of all, get back in your yard.
You're outside of your jurisdiction.
This doesn't shock me till I get past that stop sign.
Somebody-some-some- Some gang member or something Came and parked that truck there And just left it there.
It's an eyesore to the neighborhood, And I'm just- you know, it's blocking my- It's-I-just if you would move it to tow it.
You want to be able to not see the truck.
When you're looking at what? I don't look at anything.
You don't look at anything, huh? No.
I'm just hanging out in my yard.
I got to go back in now.
What is it blocking you from seeing? Let me just quickly get some- No.
No.
Stay here.
On the stove, and that stuff dries out- Stay here.
What's this? That is- that is a, uh- It appears to be a- that is Bird-watching equipment That I ordered off the intranet.
I like to look at, you know, ravens - caw, caw.
Ok.
Yup.
I see the ravens that you're looking at.
That's - that's disgusting, all right? What is on there? Because if there's anything but ravens on there, Then the neighborhood kids-that little Pablo!- Got to my camera and- God damn it, Pablo! [Indian music playing.]
[Man, Indian accent:.]
What is the nature of your call? We are calling from the Reno sheriff's- Man: Are you being raped? No.
Rape- If you are not being raped or on fire, I have to transfer you.
"if you are not being raped or on fire.
" We're both.
We're both.
Man: Ok.
Very good.
I'm going to need your confirmation number.
I have a statue of liberty suit.
I'll throw that out there.
Love it.
Is it x-rated, r- rated, pg-13? It is r-rated, but I can bring it to pg real quick.
Can you make it pg? Yeah.
Yeah.
Then we're good.
Look, let's hand out cheeseburgers, too.
I love cheeseburgers.
And these cheeseburgers, These magical cheeseburgers- They're not magical.
They're just cheeseburgers.
Right.
So we get a bunch of gnomes come in tonight And make hundreds, perhaps thousands of cheeseburgers.
That's a great idea.
Great.
You know what, trudy? This is a perfect job for you.
Ok.
Go get those cobbler's elves Who make shoes magically at night for free, And get them tonight to come right away And make a bunch of cheeseburgers We can have to take out later.
You don't have to be a dick about it.
Let's do it, people.
Do you need to label a north and south? Beautiful.
No, flip it.
Flip it.
Flip it.
It's upside down.
Oh.
I think the star on the empire state building Reads a little jewey.
No.
No, this is a 5-pointed christian star.
A jew star has 6 points, like the devil.
I'll hold on.
I'm afraid you're gonna fall.
I'll hold on to you.
No, no, no.
I got you, jim.
I got you.
Aren't you supposed to leave the window open When you use this much glue and paint? [laughter.]
Hey, take that, Al Gore! [laughter.]
All right, Jim.
Yeah.
Uh, thought.
Yeah.
That fax we got about the law enforcement parade To do a float.
Yeah.
It said "remember 9/11"? Or did it say remember 9-1-1? Remember to dial 9-1-1.
Are we supposed to be doing a "remember the phone number" float? Oh, fuck.
If it's a "remember the phone number" kind of thing, I'm gonna feel like a real dick with the twin towers on our car.
You got 'em Jim? Son of a bitch.
You got him? I lost him.
Fuck.
Hey, guys, how you doing? Hey, freeze! Freeze! Freeze! Freeze! Hold it right there.
Good god.
Other hand where I can see it.
Step out of the boat.
Step out of the boat.
Why were you running? I wasn't running.
I was relaxing.
I was taking a repose.
Taking a repose? In the boat here.
That's all I was doing.
You guys think that I was running from you? Yes.
You were running from us.
And we were chasing you.
No.
No, no.
Ok, let me-may I make an inquiry? May I ask a question? You know what? I wish you would so I can catch my breath.
Go ahead.
Ok, hypothetically speaking, all right? If you did indeed see me, are you sure That I was not running with you behind me In the intention of showing you a crime scene? Was that your intention? That is exactly what I was doing, because, you know- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You were running from us.
We said freeze, stop, get on the ground, Get on the ground, and you didn't Because you were leading us quickly to a crime scene? Right.
And I figured if I continued to run At the pace I was running, You guys would get there before said crime was perpetrated.
But you got so far ahead of us That you thought you'd take a rest, So you jumped in the boat.
That's my- that's my 380 right there.
This is yours.
This is your Baretta 380.
Correct.
So you're saying right now to me this is yours.
That is indeed my weapon.
You were running, we were chasing you, And you did throw a weapon down.
And you threw it.
Right, because I felt that the chase Was not spicy enough, you know? I felt like I really needed you guys To step it up in pursuit of me.
So that we could get to the crime.
Absolutely.
If this is spicy enough for you, I literally shit my pants about a mile ago.
Perfect, see? Once again, would you rather have me In a pronated or a supinated position? Now, your parole officer has requested That we, uh, bring you in here and speak to you, Primarily for the reason that you have Failed to report to your parole officer ever.
Ever? Ever.
So you're supposed to have paid to him.
Is that bad? Uh, it ain't good.
Terence, it's been reported to us That you were laid off after less than two hours of work At the Super Fun Party Pizza Palace.
You want to tell us about that incident? Yes.
Um, I thought since I was a delivery guy That I got to add my own toppings And make it fun for everybody.
And what did you add that was fun? Somebody ordered a pepperoni pizza.
I added carrots and rocks Carrots.
Ice cubes, and a fart.
Ice cubes and a fart.
Terry, this energy that you have, That's creativity.
And you got to harness this creative energy, Do something productive.
Yeah.
We say that what you should do Is channel that energy into something.
So you're saying I should be a schoolteacher? Did you, uh, attempt to be a schoolteacher? I thought about it.
I thought I could teach.
And you apparently acted on it.
At the Sierra middle school.
There was an incident there, something about You going into their thanksgiving pageant.
You want to tell us about that? What were you dressed as? I was a turkey.
I wore-I wore shorts made out of turkey.
So you're not denying that you roller-skated out Into the pageant Feathers painted above your fully erect Johnson To simulate a turkey To simulate a turkey, And this is - we should interpret this Not as an incredibly creepy sexuality, But patriotism.
Do you or do you not eat turkey at thanksgiving? Yes, we do.
So why is it weird that I'm wearing a turkey? Someone's got to eat it.
[singing in spanish.]
oh oh ooh hoo, hoo We're killing some time with the old polygraph machine.
Yay! I have a question.
There was a pair of men's cotton briefs And a jar of grape jelly In the glove compartment.
This was about two weeks ago.
Were those briefs in fact yours? No.
[beep beep.]
Something wrong.
There is something wrong, because Junior admitted to me That he- Junior, you told us you had grape jelly- So this is a coincidence? You were doing jelly tugs When you were on that whole stakeout, weren't you? Yeah.
So you coincidentally both- Wait a second.
Wait-wait- wait a second.
Do we have to enact some sort of policy Where people aren't giving themselves jelly tugs on stakeouts? I thought that was what the jelly was for.
Why on earth- wait.
Explain.
Why else would there be just jelly in a glove box? For a sandwich? No-with just jelly? With just jelly? Put it on toast.
Put it on toast, for example.
Did you use that, too? I mean, "oh, there's something by itself.
I'd better jerk off with it.
" Oh, you're right.
There was jelly and a loaf of wonder bread And a toaster-no.
It was just jelly.
Hey, let's get a trustee To clean all the cars later today.
Let's get a fresh start, Fresh start tomorrow.
Tomorrow is the first day Of our not jacking off each other with jelly in the car.
It's beautiful.
Wow! We did it.
Good job, guys.
Good job, everybody.
I honestly think It's probably the best thing we've ever done.
What time does the parade start? I think 1:00.
What time is it? It's, uh, 1:15.
Fuck.
Fuck! We forgot.
Oh, my god.
Dress uniforms! We got to be in Carson Hit it.
[indistinct conversation on police radio.]
We're actually making pretty good time, I think! I have to pee! We're not stopping to pee! You should have - everyone should have peed Before we got on! Where are we in the parade? Do we know? I think we're number one.
Shit really? We're supposed to- we're the opener? I think we're the opener.
God damn it.
We're the opener.
Hit it! Are we sure we went the right way? At some point, We'll see signs for Carson city, I'm sure! [tires screeching.]
[all screaming.]
[yelling.]
[crash.]
["taps" playing.]
["taps" playing.]
[cheering.]
mtv networks Captioned by the national captioning ["taps" playing.]
["taps" playing.]
We are participating in the statewide Law enforcement parade in Carson city! [cheering.]
We will be transforming this regular, run-of-the-mill cop car Into a splendid parade float like you might see in a cavalcade of roses.
The theme that we have chosen is "together we are united.
" So that will be boldly emblazoned- No, jim.
Jim, no.
That's not what we decided.
Yeah, it is.
Tell him what we did.
"we can do this.
" that was the theme.
No, that was what you voted for.
That was what you voted for.
You didn't want "wheels.
" It was "united in togetherness.
" Typical shit.
[all talking at once.]
You always fucking pull rank, jim.
We're united in togetherness.
Oh! What, mother fucker? What? Ow! Oh.
I was agreeing with you.
Don't do it again! mtv networks Freeze! Get on the ground! [gunshot.]
[machine-gun fire.]
All right.
The tornado Hell, no! We won't blow! Yeah! He's my friend.
Nah! [siren.]
You know, there is an award for best float.
What? Is it money? No.
It's a prize.
It's pride.
It's the dignity.
It's the good feeling of satisfaction That comes from having done something wonderful And made people feel good about law enforcement.
That's a bullshit prize.
Isn't everybody who does a float For the law enforcement parade supposed to feel A sense of dignity and pride? Yeah, but when you get that big cup at the end That says "best float"- Oh, it's a cup.
Imagine how much more dignity and pride- You know what? You said we'd feel pride When we did that aids quilt, And I didn't feel anything except totally disappointed.
'cause you didn't do shit.
'cause you didn't do shit.
That's not true.
I did the final Winnie-the-Pooh square.
I did.
I did the square.
You did two Winnie the Poohs, And what were they doing? Inappropriate for an AIDS quilt.
Anyway, we have decided on- Not that we're playing the patriotism card - kind of we are.
We would like to win, obviously, best float.
Uh, we have decided to honor September 11.
I would like, out of chicken wire, To make an osama head with his finger in his nose.
And I can do it.
I like that.
With papier mache.
An osama bin laden head That's classic.
And then when we get to the end of the route, We can hit it with a bat.
It could be a pinata.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my god.
I like that.
Candy and condoms could come out of the pinata.
So you're suggesting- Can we make a giant Bin Lada-blond- Bin Laden pinata? We could repaint that Abe Lincoln That we had for presidents day.
Ha ha ha.
Recycle.
Recycle.
This is good.
[shouting.]
I will do it! I will do it! I will blow this place up! [gun clicks.]
They have done me wrong, and I will blow it up! Don't you do it! Don't you dare do it! Put it down! Put it down! I want my money back, and I will blow this place up! Bettor? What? Are those hot dogs? Yeah.
Oh, oh, I told him it was hot dogs, And they go, they were like, "well, it's still an issue.
" It's just regular hot dogs.
It's regular hot dogs.
I got them from over there.
What is that thing in your hand? Oh, it's a Stereo.
I like this one.
Leave it on? Yeah, leave it on.
Turn it up a second.
Your bass is too high.
Set the bass.
I don't know how you do these things.
Hit the-there should be a thing for Sorry.
Audio.
Have you got audio? You know, that's what it is.
Listen.
Listen here.
These speakers are set up wrong, because now- You know what? It's coming from mostly over here.
Now we're balanced to the left.
Yeah, that's nice.
Yeah.
Try that.
Yeah.
It's nice.
All right.
Cool.
We got things accomplished, ladies.
We got things accomplished.
Wait.
Whoa, whoa.
Oh, come on now.
We were all having a good time about that treble/bass issue.
Hey, don't shoot him now.
I don't want to get sprayed.
Budget setbacks and cutbacks Means that we have to outsource our 911 calls To Bombay, India.
What? Yes, so I'm gonna call right now And see-check in on the last hour.
Man, Indian accent: Hello.
You have reached The nine hundred and eleven emergency center.
Can I help you, please? Mr.
Nanji Pur, sweetie pie, This Rayneesha Williams from the Reno sheriff's department.
Hold, please.
[indian music playing.]
Different man: Thank you for calling Boost mobile customer service.
How can I help you? This is Ranjit.
No, no, no.
Hello.
This is Trudy Weigel From the Reno sheriff's department.
Oh.
Hold, please.
[Indian music playing.]
Man: Uh, hello.
Hello, hello! Are you the nice lady who called about being raped? No, no, no.
Your confirmation number is "h" as in Hindu, "v" as in Vishnu.
Sir.
"p" as in Pompadu.
That is me.
Sir.
Listen, sir- I cannot help you about your rape Unless you give me your confirmation number.
Sir, listen! This is deputy Jones From the Reno sheriff's department, And we want our Oh, 911 calls.
Reno sheriff's department.
Yes, please.
Yes.
Uh, that is not my department.
Let me get you my supervisor.
Hold, please.
No no! Fuck! Uh, we were in the middle of a training exercise This morning, And Sonny here ate about 21/2 pounds Of C4 plastic explosive.
If this dog moves too suddenly, He's gonna go up like Nagasaki.
So hopefully pretty soon the C4 will mix with the manwiches I've been feeding with him all morning And nature will run its course, And I will be able to retrieve- You can do it.
You can do it.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Hi, my favorite.
Hi.
Yeah.
Hi, my favorite.
I'm gonna get this belly.
I'm gonna get this belly, belly.
I'm gonna get your belly, belly, belly.
Yeah, you got his belly, belly, belly, all right.
He gets the fucking point.
You got his belly, belly, belly.
Now back the fuck off.
Hey! Hey! No.
No.
He's my friend.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
That's a little too friendly.
I'll see you later.
Please don't hump the nice officer.
Here, come on.
Hey, hey.
Hey.
How about right here? Hey, how about right here? Yeah.
Mission accomplished.
Ew! You know, that's 90% of law enforcement Is just perseverance- stick to the task.
Hi, Travis.
Right, Sonny? Hey, how you doing? Oh, boy.
No! Stop! Sorry.
Stop.
Here we go.
Thank god you guys are here.
This eyesore- it's been like a- It's like a sliver under my- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
First of all, get back in your yard.
You're outside of your jurisdiction.
This doesn't shock me till I get past that stop sign.
Somebody-some-some- Some gang member or something Came and parked that truck there And just left it there.
It's an eyesore to the neighborhood, And I'm just- you know, it's blocking my- It's-I-just if you would move it to tow it.
You want to be able to not see the truck.
When you're looking at what? I don't look at anything.
You don't look at anything, huh? No.
I'm just hanging out in my yard.
I got to go back in now.
What is it blocking you from seeing? Let me just quickly get some- No.
No.
Stay here.
On the stove, and that stuff dries out- Stay here.
What's this? That is- that is a, uh- It appears to be a- that is Bird-watching equipment That I ordered off the intranet.
I like to look at, you know, ravens - caw, caw.
Ok.
Yup.
I see the ravens that you're looking at.
That's - that's disgusting, all right? What is on there? Because if there's anything but ravens on there, Then the neighborhood kids-that little Pablo!- Got to my camera and- God damn it, Pablo! [Indian music playing.]
[Man, Indian accent:.]
What is the nature of your call? We are calling from the Reno sheriff's- Man: Are you being raped? No.
Rape- If you are not being raped or on fire, I have to transfer you.
"if you are not being raped or on fire.
" We're both.
We're both.
Man: Ok.
Very good.
I'm going to need your confirmation number.
I have a statue of liberty suit.
I'll throw that out there.
Love it.
Is it x-rated, r- rated, pg-13? It is r-rated, but I can bring it to pg real quick.
Can you make it pg? Yeah.
Yeah.
Then we're good.
Look, let's hand out cheeseburgers, too.
I love cheeseburgers.
And these cheeseburgers, These magical cheeseburgers- They're not magical.
They're just cheeseburgers.
Right.
So we get a bunch of gnomes come in tonight And make hundreds, perhaps thousands of cheeseburgers.
That's a great idea.
Great.
You know what, trudy? This is a perfect job for you.
Ok.
Go get those cobbler's elves Who make shoes magically at night for free, And get them tonight to come right away And make a bunch of cheeseburgers We can have to take out later.
You don't have to be a dick about it.
Let's do it, people.
Do you need to label a north and south? Beautiful.
No, flip it.
Flip it.
Flip it.
It's upside down.
Oh.
I think the star on the empire state building Reads a little jewey.
No.
No, this is a 5-pointed christian star.
A jew star has 6 points, like the devil.
I'll hold on.
I'm afraid you're gonna fall.
I'll hold on to you.
No, no, no.
I got you, jim.
I got you.
Aren't you supposed to leave the window open When you use this much glue and paint? [laughter.]
Hey, take that, Al Gore! [laughter.]
All right, Jim.
Yeah.
Uh, thought.
Yeah.
That fax we got about the law enforcement parade To do a float.
Yeah.
It said "remember 9/11"? Or did it say remember 9-1-1? Remember to dial 9-1-1.
Are we supposed to be doing a "remember the phone number" float? Oh, fuck.
If it's a "remember the phone number" kind of thing, I'm gonna feel like a real dick with the twin towers on our car.
You got 'em Jim? Son of a bitch.
You got him? I lost him.
Fuck.
Hey, guys, how you doing? Hey, freeze! Freeze! Freeze! Freeze! Hold it right there.
Good god.
Other hand where I can see it.
Step out of the boat.
Step out of the boat.
Why were you running? I wasn't running.
I was relaxing.
I was taking a repose.
Taking a repose? In the boat here.
That's all I was doing.
You guys think that I was running from you? Yes.
You were running from us.
And we were chasing you.
No.
No, no.
Ok, let me-may I make an inquiry? May I ask a question? You know what? I wish you would so I can catch my breath.
Go ahead.
Ok, hypothetically speaking, all right? If you did indeed see me, are you sure That I was not running with you behind me In the intention of showing you a crime scene? Was that your intention? That is exactly what I was doing, because, you know- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You were running from us.
We said freeze, stop, get on the ground, Get on the ground, and you didn't Because you were leading us quickly to a crime scene? Right.
And I figured if I continued to run At the pace I was running, You guys would get there before said crime was perpetrated.
But you got so far ahead of us That you thought you'd take a rest, So you jumped in the boat.
That's my- that's my 380 right there.
This is yours.
This is your Baretta 380.
Correct.
So you're saying right now to me this is yours.
That is indeed my weapon.
You were running, we were chasing you, And you did throw a weapon down.
And you threw it.
Right, because I felt that the chase Was not spicy enough, you know? I felt like I really needed you guys To step it up in pursuit of me.
So that we could get to the crime.
Absolutely.
If this is spicy enough for you, I literally shit my pants about a mile ago.
Perfect, see? Once again, would you rather have me In a pronated or a supinated position? Now, your parole officer has requested That we, uh, bring you in here and speak to you, Primarily for the reason that you have Failed to report to your parole officer ever.
Ever? Ever.
So you're supposed to have paid to him.
Is that bad? Uh, it ain't good.
Terence, it's been reported to us That you were laid off after less than two hours of work At the Super Fun Party Pizza Palace.
You want to tell us about that incident? Yes.
Um, I thought since I was a delivery guy That I got to add my own toppings And make it fun for everybody.
And what did you add that was fun? Somebody ordered a pepperoni pizza.
I added carrots and rocks Carrots.
Ice cubes, and a fart.
Ice cubes and a fart.
Terry, this energy that you have, That's creativity.
And you got to harness this creative energy, Do something productive.
Yeah.
We say that what you should do Is channel that energy into something.
So you're saying I should be a schoolteacher? Did you, uh, attempt to be a schoolteacher? I thought about it.
I thought I could teach.
And you apparently acted on it.
At the Sierra middle school.
There was an incident there, something about You going into their thanksgiving pageant.
You want to tell us about that? What were you dressed as? I was a turkey.
I wore-I wore shorts made out of turkey.
So you're not denying that you roller-skated out Into the pageant Feathers painted above your fully erect Johnson To simulate a turkey To simulate a turkey, And this is - we should interpret this Not as an incredibly creepy sexuality, But patriotism.
Do you or do you not eat turkey at thanksgiving? Yes, we do.
So why is it weird that I'm wearing a turkey? Someone's got to eat it.
[singing in spanish.]
oh oh ooh hoo, hoo We're killing some time with the old polygraph machine.
Yay! I have a question.
There was a pair of men's cotton briefs And a jar of grape jelly In the glove compartment.
This was about two weeks ago.
Were those briefs in fact yours? No.
[beep beep.]
Something wrong.
There is something wrong, because Junior admitted to me That he- Junior, you told us you had grape jelly- So this is a coincidence? You were doing jelly tugs When you were on that whole stakeout, weren't you? Yeah.
So you coincidentally both- Wait a second.
Wait-wait- wait a second.
Do we have to enact some sort of policy Where people aren't giving themselves jelly tugs on stakeouts? I thought that was what the jelly was for.
Why on earth- wait.
Explain.
Why else would there be just jelly in a glove box? For a sandwich? No-with just jelly? With just jelly? Put it on toast.
Put it on toast, for example.
Did you use that, too? I mean, "oh, there's something by itself.
I'd better jerk off with it.
" Oh, you're right.
There was jelly and a loaf of wonder bread And a toaster-no.
It was just jelly.
Hey, let's get a trustee To clean all the cars later today.
Let's get a fresh start, Fresh start tomorrow.
Tomorrow is the first day Of our not jacking off each other with jelly in the car.
It's beautiful.
Wow! We did it.
Good job, guys.
Good job, everybody.
I honestly think It's probably the best thing we've ever done.
What time does the parade start? I think 1:00.
What time is it? It's, uh, 1:15.
Fuck.
Fuck! We forgot.
Oh, my god.
Dress uniforms! We got to be in Carson Hit it.
[indistinct conversation on police radio.]
We're actually making pretty good time, I think! I have to pee! We're not stopping to pee! You should have - everyone should have peed Before we got on! Where are we in the parade? Do we know? I think we're number one.
Shit really? We're supposed to- we're the opener? I think we're the opener.
God damn it.
We're the opener.
Hit it! Are we sure we went the right way? At some point, We'll see signs for Carson city, I'm sure! [tires screeching.]
[all screaming.]
[yelling.]
[crash.]
["taps" playing.]
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[cheering.]
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