Scrubs s05e16 Episode Script

What is that? This is an electronic hide-and-seek game.
The other person wears a sensor.
Closer you get, the more it beeps.
- Ah! Funsies.
- Yeah.
Mrs.
Factor has an aortoenteric fistula and needs a consult.
Fire away.
- See her red highlights? - Yes.
Could I pull those off or am I so kidding myself? - I don't have time.
- You're playing hide-and-seek.
With my nine-year-old patient, Eric.
He's been in the hospital for a month.
He deserves a little fun.
Sorry, Turk.
Sorry.
Mmm! How bad would she look with red highlights? I know.
It is now my turn to hide.
- I count.
- All right.
Close a brother up.
So I like to remember all the carpal bones in the hands with a simple mnemonic device.
Scaphoid, lunate, triquetrum, pisiform, trapezium, trapezoid, capitate, hamate.
Some lovers try positions that they can't handle.
Hey.
That was not directed at you, doctor.
But you should stretch first next time you try the Whirly Bird.
Excuse me, does anyone here happen to have a plate of jeebies? Because these two just gave me a big old scoop of the heebies.
Seriously, it cannot just be me.
I want to hear from the audience.
I do.
Dating in the workplace.
She's the boss.
He's the pretty intern.
Tell me what's bugging you.
Courage.
Well, sometimes they arrive in the morning and they smell like sex.
Gloria, telling it like it smells.
I'm proud of you.
Barbie, who hurt you? Is there something you want? Actually, yes.
It is one of those rare days where you could be of use to me.
You speak German, I have a patient from Berlin and I need to tell the gentleman he has fluid in his lungs.
How are you? Relax, dude.
Playing electronic hide-and-seek.
Hey, baby.
Yeah, I know my shift's over, but No, I'm not fooling around with J.
D.
I'm OK, cool.
I'm on my way home.
All right, I just took the pregnancy test.
Just tell me when a minute's up.
I just put some pizza rolls in the microwave oven.
The minute that bad boy dings, we're good to go.
Oh, my God, I can't stand it! Thirty more seconds! OK, honey.
Don't get too excited.
They have to cool off for a minute.
That cheese is like lava.
Is there a bigger idiot than you in the entire world? I'm seeking you, Turk! It's negative.
Look at me.
Hey, look at me.
It's gonna happen.
Eat your pizza rolls.
I gotta get to work.
By the way, next time, buy a name brand pregnancy test, - not that generic one.
- If you raised my allowance, I wouldn't have to bargain shop to buy pizza rolls.
Secondly, this pregnancy test works just as well as the name brand one.
Wait a second.
Results in three minutes.
Some things deserve to be tossed out on their asses.
But the thing you shouldn't toss out is a pregnancy test that takes two minutes longer than you thought.
Oh, my God, we're pregnant.
# I can't do this all on my own # No, I know I'm no Superman # I'm no Superman # Mr.
Roberts and I just love our above-ground pool.
In high school, I was actually all-state swimmer.
Breaststroke-five! Maybe later.
Every workplace has that guy who has to top everyone else's story.
When I was 19, I was a world-class 110-meter hurdler.
I remember the nationals like they were yesterday.
Runners, take your positions.
On your mark set Good race.
They offered me a full ride at Grambling, but I slept with the president's daughter.
Not the college president.
The president of the United States.
But if Amy Carter asks you up for a nightcap, you do not say no.
No.
No more.
Here are some of the lies you've told over the last five years.
You went to Harvard.
You have a wife who only has a pointer and thumb pinkie.
You have a brother-dad, a mother-sister.
You have two kids.
Wait, one kid.
You had a baby with a Chinese local.
You're deaf-mute.
Wait.
You're a world-class hurdler and you slept with the beautiful and irreplaceable Amy Carter.
I didn't sleep with Amy Carter.
We did everything but.
- Oh - I really was a world-class hurdler.
We're not buying it.
Are we, gang? - No.
- Yeah, no.
The people have spoken.
Allow me to bask in the glow.
- J.
D.
, guess what? - Not now, Turk, I'm glow-basking.
Dude, listen to me! Where is Carla? She just went downstairs.
What is all the excitement? You tell him.
No, you tell him.
We're having a baby.
Red states be damned.
You're gonna make great fathers.
- What's going on? - My turn.
- OK.
Go ahead.
- Carla? Prego! Oh, my God, Turk.
Carla must be so happy.
I haven't told her.
I'm gonna now.
Wait, Turk.
When has a man ever been able to tell his wife that she's pregnant? Allow me to paint you a picture with my imagination brush.
OK? You two come out in the parking lot where Carla's friends have gathered.
They're holding a banner that says, "Carla, you're pregnant and I dove you.
" Did I say "dove"? I did, Turk.
That's when I cue the bird wrangler who releases 500 white doves into the air.
Where do they land? I don't know.
But one thing Carla knows is that in her uterus is a little, soft baby Turk.
Are you forgetting what happened when you had doves at my parents' anniversary? This won't be indoors and there won't be people throwing birdseed.
Why were people throwing seed? The point is you, my friend, have a chance to be on the greatest surprise a husband has ever pulled for his wife, and you get credit for it the length of your entire marriage.
- I'm in! - Great.
I'll tell everybody.
You find Carla.
Dr.
Cox Halt.
I will be doing nothing.
Well, you at least won't tell Carla, right? Ever since I was blitzkrieged by an enraged German named Otto, a certain Dr.
Barbie no longer exists for me, so if she was to ask me a question, I wouldn't be able to hear and you'd have to repeat it.
- Can you just please not tell Carla? - Fine.
And Elliot, if you see Carla, don't get emotional.
Oh! No problem.
Really? Baby.
Oh, my God, Turk.
Carla's gonna be so happy.
The family wants me to do a hip surgery.
What are they thinking? The guy's 92.
He's their grandfather.
It's not like he's a dog and they can go to a kennel and pick out another one.
We just got a lot of great new grandfathers in.
OK.
Ooh! Look at this one.
He's so cute! Hey! Get out of my yard.
He's not good with people.
He's great, but we really don't want to separate them.
I already have a grandma.
If I get one this little, everybody's gonna think I'm gay.
Oh, look at this fellow.
Come here, boy.
Got a little hard candy for you.
Come here.
Yes.
Good boy.
Who's a good boy? You got a candy you can unwrap in a movie theater.
I'd name him Sebastian.
Hey, what's up with the Janitor? He seems a little more lurky than usual.
I pissed him off earlier today.
How am I supposed to avoid him? Put the hide-and-seek sensor on him.
That way you'll always know where he is.
It would take a very clever plan to hide this tiny penny-like sensor on him.
Five bucks if you eat this penny.
Done and done.
We pulled it off.
See if it works.
My friend, we have just LoJacked the Janitor.
Hello? I've got a patient with osteomyelitis who needs a bone biopsy.
Who do you use? You've put me in an awkward spot because I'm a healer and I want to help, but speaking to you would acknowledge your existence.
You don't exist.
So I'm going to address the stapler.
Hi, stapler.
The red is killer.
By the way, there's a Dr.
Brownsfield who is just the most wonderful bone guy.
What? What's that, stapler? Oh, no.
She She's an actual doctor.
Neither of you are very funny.
Here are your lab results.
Oh, my God, Carla.
- Elliot, what's wrong? - Yeah, Elliot, honey.
What's wrong? Nothing, I'm just very emotional because, um Keith dumped me.
I have to go.
Another one.
Shoot.
Keith, I have been watching you and you've got some potential.
You do, but can I give you one piece of advice? - Please.
- It is all about confidence.
Hell, be a cocky bastard.
Throw 'em a wink every once in a while.
Show me a wink.
Show me the wink.
Give me the wink.
That's the guy.
That's the guy who broke our friend's heart.
- Well, hey.
He's probably hurting too.
- Mmm Hey, baby.
Oh, no.
He did not just wink at me.
For the next five minutes, I am not a nurse.
Carla, Carla.
There is a better way.
I don't like it, but Jordan tells her friends intimate details about me.
Our sex lives, parenting deficiencies.
The point is I'm sure Elliot has told you things about Keith.
So instead of yelling at him, why not calmly let him know that you know things that he thinks no one knows.
Oh, Keith, mind taking a walk with me? Yeah.
- Is Carla gone? - Yeah.
She sure is.
- Oh, thank God.
- Say Barbie? We're even.
Oh, no.
All right.
Before Carla arrives, I want to thank you all for turning out.
Especially you, Father Rosenberg.
Incidentally, when this is over, I'd love to get the back story on that name of yours, OK? Excuse me.
OK.
Coming through.
Now, apparently they don't have fetus balloons.
Who knew? What I've done is attached string to the bellybuttons on these baby balloons to signify the umbilical cord.
Make sure everybody gets one.
Keith, you seem to have missed the point here.
We're not really broken up.
I can't believe you told Carla I made out with my sister in sixth grade.
I don't understand why you're so embarrassed.
I've met Denise.
She's gorgeous.
You might not get pregnant for a very, very, very long time.
I know it's gonna happen.
You know what I'm looking forward to the most? What's that? When we go to our friends and I can tell them one-by-one, "I'm pregnant!" I can't wait to see the look on each one of their faces.
I think about it every day.
Anyone tries to take those moments away from me, I'll kill them.
Me too.
Just need to send a quick text.
Oh, no.
We've got a glitch.
Abort the plan! Abort the surprise! Abort the babies! Everybody, run! Sorry about the whole "abort the babies" thing.
Actually, I'm pro-choice.
Knowing someone's pregnant when they don't know it can get a bit complicated.
Let me take that from you.
You left the fridge open.
- I spilled it.
- I'll get another one.
Sorry.
What are you doing? I may have gotten over-excited and told her family members - that she's pregnant.
- You have 59 messages.
Carla The answering machine's broken.
And I don't think we have any more wine.
Turk, can I have some of yours? I felt Turk was starting to blame me for all this.
I spilled mine too.
You know what you should do? Ask for some of J.
D.
's.
Spilled mine too.
I'm going to bed.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna tell her the truth and hope she's so tired from being pregnant, she doesn't have the strength to kick my ass.
Wait, Turk.
I have an idea.
You have another idea, huh? I gotta tell you I'm done with your ideas.
And not just now, but forever.
OK? Are we clear on that? - It's a good 'un.
- I'm listening.
We need Carla to find out she's pregnant on her own and we need help.
- Can we count on you? - Absolutely not.
- No way.
- Who's pregnant? We go down, we're taking you.
- What? - Why? Would somebody please tell me who's pregnant? - Carla.
- Another kid? My God! - How many does that make? - This is her first one.
- If you say so, son.
- You can't blackmail us.
Really? Because I think you're both very close to Carla, aren't you? And yet you chose not to tell her she was pregnant.
How would that go down for 'em? - Unpleasantly.
- Unpleasantly.
They've got you two by the short ones.
It's true you didn't know anything, but I'm willing to bet these guys would swear that you did.
- Definitely.
- I'd enjoy it.
- Well played, Turkelton.
- Thank you.
OK.
Listen up.
Everyone in the hospital knows Carla's pregnant.
But they don't know she doesn't know.
We need her to find out on her own before anyone congratulates her.
OK? Here's the plan.
The three of us are gonna run interference.
Dr.
Cox, Dr.
Kelso, I need you to get her to take another pregnancy test.
This plan is foolproof.
That's impossible.
You two are involved.
Yeah, we'll see about that.
- You go left.
- OK.
That was right, buddy.
I need to come with you.
Where's Carla? Uh, she went up to the roof to get some air.
Oh.
- Follow her.
Lock her up there.
- You got it.
Hello, Janitor hiding around the corner waiting to grab me.
How'd you know that was me? I'm holding a GPS warning device that goes off whenever you come within 100 meters of me.
It's responding to a sensor in your stomach.
- I knew that wasn't a penny.
- You'll never get near me.
- We'll see.
- Yeah, we will see.
- We're gonna see.
- The only thing left to do? See.
- You're gonna pay.
- We'll see.
- No time.
- OK, bye.
Dr.
Cox, Dr.
Kelso.
Look who I've got.
Hey, Carla.
You're glowing.
Really? Have your breasts gotten bigger? Whoa! Dr.
Kelso, that is inappropriate.
Baby, that sounds like a compliment to me.
Maybe you're just a little hormonal.
Well done, Bob.
A little direct, but I definitely think we put the idea of pregnancy in her head.
Is that what we were doing? I was just making conversation.
- I have been a little moody.
- Yes, you have been.
This morning I was nauseous, but I thought it was pizza rolls I had for breakfast.
I like them.
We can get them from now on.
Still, Turk, do you think I should go home and take another pregnancy test? It's your call, baby.
Hey! Somebody get me down from here! - What's she yelling? - I don't know.
I'll have someone from Psych check her out.
Dr.
Dorian, I got those batteries you asked for.
I was anxious because it was time to change Mr.
Beeper's batteries.
All clear to the left, all clear to the right.
You can do this.
He's 100 meters away and it's gonna take ten seconds to change batteries.
That's not even a world-record pace.
Ready set go! Oof! Time! Still got it.
As I lay there, watching Nurse Roberts hammer-throw 23 pounds of high-end fruit my way, I could take solace in one thing We're having a baby! Carla and Turk were coming to tell me they were pregnant and Carla had to believe that I was truly surprised.
I was the linchpin of our plan.
- Hey, J.
D.
- Showtime.
- We have such big news.
- What's the scoop? - I would have no clue what it could be.
- We're having a baby.
Give them the ten-minute emotional roller coaster ride that is the speech you've practiced all afternoon.
Carla, when Turk first told me, I What do you mean, when Turk first told you? Oh, boy.
We've known for a day.
The pregnancy test you took yesterday was positive.
Yeah.
I wanted to have everybody at the hospital gather outside to surprise you - What would you have thought of doves? - Not now.
I just wanted to do something really memorable, you know.
I messed that up.
- So everybody already knows? - Mm-hm.
I witnessed one of those moments that let me know in my heart these two would be together forever.
Who cares? We're having a baby.
- We're having a baby.
- Yeah, we are.
- A baby.
- Yeah.
- A little you.
- I know.
With a lot of you.
It's OK.
I already know.
I'm pregnant!