Shameless s05e16 Episode Script

Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express! Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Wicked! Piss off! What sounds on Earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face? Cos this, people reckon - me included - is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented To calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes You sit on our head, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh? Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now! Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now! Scatter! Party! 'I've sounded out loads of blokes on this.
'99% of married men with families have fantasized 'about said wives and families being killed.
'Suddenly, instantly, leaving former married man free, 'single, unencumbered.
'Harmless dreaming.
'A necessary outlet.
'You've got to have a fantasy life.
'If you didn't have an alternative world where everything went your way 'and Kate Moss tickled your balls with a feather, then you'd only have 'grim, grey, turgid, hopeless pisspot reality 'and we'd be throwing ourselves off bridges like lemmings.
'Well, I would.
' Mandy, can I take Katie to the park? Third time this week? Yeah, we have a laugh.
In't that right, Katie? Be brill, going on swings and shit.
Watch her.
Park's a canine sewer.
Why are you really taking her to the park? Me and Katie are bezzies.
- What colour's her hair? - Get off, you dick.
- You don't even know! - Blonde.
Blonde.
The bab is a giant.
They've got to induce.
You can only gobble so much madras.
Give them a bell.
Can you do it? It sounds better coming from a bloke.
They pay more attention.
It's phones.
No, it's not me, babe.
Don't give me the bug-eyed look.
I'm coming to the fucking bullfight.
What more do you want? Don't piss her about.
You know you'll go missing.
Earthquake.
Third one this week.
Rubbish-point-crap on the Richter scale.
The world stops on its axis at Dad claiming he'll keep his word.
You self-righteous little smart-arse.
You're not too old to have your bollocks kicked around your head, you know.
Think you'll find I am.
- It's cold.
- I didn't know that.
Sissy boy.
Can't even permanently fucking disfigure me.
Yeah? Never call me "Dad" again.
You're the spawn of the devil.
Why do you always bring that up? Because every day I'm reminded of it by looking at your ugly fucking gob.
Hey, if that's a lad, call it Ian.
I've always thought that's a good name for one of mine.
You're a fucking waste! Cheers for putting a word in, Mum.
I can call you that, can't I? Nearly there.
Come on, boy.
do it.
Mm! Lovely fags.
There you go, Frank.
Most jocular.
Shouldn't you be out working towards a safer community? Day off.
I keep this on to scare the shoplifters.
Another one.
Fucking hell.
How many more? They were all like, "Ooh! What were that?" Oh, yeah.
Blitz spirit.
People all together as one as the Earth conspires against us by going on short spin cycle.
Tsunami from that wouldn't knock a digestive crumb off a cup of tea.
Where is the almighty hand of God? Pointing at you, shouting "thief".
What? - How do you know? - He's been left on his own for five seconds.
What else would he fucking do? Waste.
Well, that would appear to be the received opinion.
It is our duty to oppose it.
I paid for them.
Yeah, it's great that, Katie.
Is there anything I can do? Could you give us a foot massage? I meant a cup of tea or whatever.
Christ's sake.
Not for long.
You've had all of us, you're going to have another, and I feel like the fucking parent.
How's that? It's going to be me that makes it up with Dad, if we do.
Who looks after me? Shouldn't it be you? We all make mistakes.
I've done me best.
Your best is shit.
Get off! Sorry, Frank, you have to go outside.
Smoking ban.
We lasted as long as we could but the twats are on to us.
The pub's been burnt down.
What harm can I do? Get us a big fine.
Put us out of business.
We've been shot.
You sell fucking Es.
Nobody ever dies of secondary tripping.
I'm the only tosser here.
No! I say no.
Someone's got to make a stand.
Custer, Davy Crockett, the kid with his dick in the dyke.
Add Frank Gallagher to that list.
I will not be cowed.
What? Oh, my God, you've burst.
Shit.
The bastard will sue our tits off.
Is it on its way? Well, a gallon of water breaking out the fanny is a definite sign.
Don't say "fanny".
Debbie, forget the drill.
Go and grab your dad and tell him bab is imminent.
I'll go.
It's better if Debbie stays.
- No, Debbie go.
- But She's too young.
That is my decision as a parent.
See.
I do make 'em.
That's it.
Great.
Fuck.
We were going to call.
Your dad's had a fall.
Just a bit of a bump.
How? Happened out here.
Dad? Is he going to be all right? Let's just get him to hospital first.
Keep hold, Katie.
Katie, keep hold.
All right, Carl? Hello, Katie.
Chicken Fuckin' hell.
Bindy.
I was hoping you'd be here.
How's our pretty girl? Eh? You're well good bringing her here all the time.
Any news on her mum? No, she's still missing.
Hello, darling.
- Oi, I'm trying to watch this.
- I want to talk.
Here we go.
You're going to dump us.
No, I'm not.
Why d'you say that? Do you not think we're solid then? Yeah, course I do.
I I just think you're going to dump us sometimes.
What do you want to talk about? Doesn't matter.
Come on Another brew.
I know what you've done for our Shane and I'm grateful.
He's a different boy.
He needed to grow up.
But when you do move on, don't just disappear.
Speak to him first.
What? Why am I about to flit? Because we know you better than you do.
All right.
In a bit.
- You all right? - I've gotta go.
It's my dad.
He's on the way to hospital.
Shit, Katie.
I'll look after her.
If you want, I'll give you my address.
Yeah OK.
- There you go.
- Cheers, Bindy.
You saved my life.
Come on, Katie.
bed.
Only beaten our own record! What's wrong with him? He's in a coma.
How long for? Coma is as coma does.
An hour.
Years.
Probably not years.
Give him a few hours, we'll dob him through X-ray.
Are you really a doctor? Course, why? They're either foreign or posh.
I am posh.
"Awesome".
My mum's gone into labour.
Shall we tell her about him? Never give bad news to a woman in the throes.
I learned that from my ex.
Suit yourself.
How is he? Still unconscious.
There must be stuff we can do.
Coma crap.
Talk to him.
Surround him with objects that he likes.
You never know-know until you give it a go-go.
Dr Dickhead.
- Do you need me here? - Why? I panicked.
I left Katie in the park with a girl.
What? Who? Bindy.
You stupid cock.
Go and get her.
- Hiya.
- Doctor says not to tell Mum.
Why not? Because she'll go mental.
Are you coming? I can't.
She's gonna drop.
I'm staying here till he wakes up.
Put the phone to his ear, close.
All right, Dad.
I mean Frank.
What do I say? Wake up? I could say that any day of the week, won't make no difference then either.
We don't get on.
I'm not what you want in a son.
I'm not your son and you're not my dad.
Oh, Mum's in labour.
If it's yours.
Have they found him yet? No.
Shit.
Nurse! Look, see.
There.
That's nothing, my dear.
He'll be back with us before you know it.
Bindy.
About so high.
Quite fit.
About medium to large Proper round tits with just a hint of nip.
What does her face look like? She's Sort of average looking.
Don't know.
Sorry, mate.
Ain't got a clue.
Her tits are fucking fantastic.
Someone's got to remember them.
Come on, lads! - What are they? - They said bring him stuff he likes.
- I can't think of anything else.
- Where did you get 'em? Gabby on reception.
What do we do? Wait.
Harder! My thumbs are murder.
There'll be murder if you stop.
Can you ring Debbie again? What's the point? He's not going to come.
He lets everyone down.
Accept that.
Give birth.
No.
He said he'd be here and he will be here.
Do you think I'm still the youngest? Mum's had loads of kids.
She could probably drop another in her sleep.
He needs us here.
I'm staying.
So am I then.
Why do girls wear make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly and they smell.
- Do you want some? - Um He's bleeding again.
He's going to have all sorts of involuntary actions.
Smiling and that.
We're just to ignore him unless his eyes open.
What do we talk to him about? Tell him stuff about the family.
What you talk about normally.
I never talk to him normally.
All right.
Here's your chance.
Dad, every night when he thinks I'm sleeping, Carl has a wank.
Is that normal? Oh, he's going to wake up now.
Midwife should be here by now.
Maybe she got held up or something.
How long will it be? How should I know? Don't we time the contractions? If you know so much about it, why don't you deliver it? Let's go somewhere with white coats and machinery that beeps.
It's not like you're going to get turned on, is it? You're my mum.
Yeah, I'm a woman.
I've known you were that way since you were six.
You know I'm gay? That's what I said.
You didn't say that.
Why didn't you mention it? It's none of my business.
Anyway, you didn't fee! The need to share, so why should I? It's starting again.
Can you rub my back for me? - Katie and Carl back? - No.
Has he called? He's not answering his mobi.
I don't know where he is.
We're pretty busy here, Mandy.
Is he a nurse or doctor? Nurse, they're just chatting.
If he was a doctor they'd be crawling up his arse.
I'd never be a male nurse.
Why not? It's not gay.
I know it isn't but you spend all day shaving men's pubes off.
Who told you that? Gabby on reception.
I can't find her.
The address Bindy gave is a wreck.
No-one lives there.
What am I going to do? I've bloody lost Katie.
Mandy's going to wazz off the scale.
Right, this girl.
What do you know about her? Nothing.
Her name.
Bindy.
What does she look like? She's sort of Any news on her mum? I'm rubbish at descriptions.
She's just normal.
She stole a kid.
It could be a mistake.
She gave you a false address.
Do you think she'll hurt her? Don't think so.
She seems to really love kids.
In a good way.
I'll ring Tom.
But you're going to have to tell Mandy.
She'll kill me.
Yeah, you deserve it.
Yeah I'll wipe it off.
Where is she? What does she look like? Any news on her mum? Pink top.
She's got a pink top.
Every girl in 10 miles is wearing a fucking pink top.
What if she's changed her clothes? Let's do him.
I'm the only one that will recognise her.
You don't know fuck.
I will if I see her.
If Katie's been hurt, I'll kill him.
I don't think she'd hurt her.
She really liked her.
That's the reason I took her in the first place.
You used our Katie as bait! Maguire? - OK.
We'll take over.
Police matter.
- We didn't call you.
It's a Maguire matter.
We'll drive him around.
See if we can find her.
Come on.
Come with us, Carl.
What are we doing? Fucking get out looking! Move! Split up.
Call everybody you know.
Go! Come here, love.
Snap! That was mine.
Cheat! Mine did.
- Shit.
- What? - What? - That noise.
What? It just stopped his heart.
We've killed him.
Nurse! Nurse! Come on.
Don't do this to me.
Clear! Come on.
Talk to me.
Talk to me.
Come on.
Clear! Sorry, love.
Give you a scare? No harm done.
Always falling off.
- What were you doing with them? - Nothing.
Can you smell burning? No.
- Is that her there? - I don't know! You've got to do better than this, Carl.
Please.
She's got Katie.
- I've got like a mental block.
- You're not helping yourself here.
Fuck off, you.
I still think you're a paedo.
Carll You ever heard the phrase police brutality? Is this normal? As far as I can remember.
I've blotted most of it out.
I'm not surprised.
Horror show.
How did you know? I barely knew myself.
There was something different about you.
You weren't like Lip, all bustle and breakages.
You were Don't say sensitive.
No, not just that.
I am your mother.
I did think about you and how you'd be.
I did! I'm surprised you haven't moved on.
I might never live in a family again.
Ooh, here comes another one.
They must have sent another midwife by now.
Here you are, mate.
Can't find 'em.
No one's coming.
We're on our own.
Please, let's go to the hospital.
No, not till Frank gets here.
I want to do it proper this time.
I want both parents there.
I want a real start for the baby.
- Is that an involuntary reaction? - Probably claim that.
Is it gone? You look, you're the oldest.
You're going to be a bloke.
You look.
Safe.
Not around this aftie.
- Eh? - Things to do.
Are you all right, love? Do you need a friendly ear? Nose out, Lillian.
- Are you helping? - What? - Looking for Katie.
- Who? Our Mandy's baby.
Mandy's got a baby? Yes.
You've seen her loads of times.
What's happened? Some girl's gone off with her.
Fuck.
That's fucking well sick.
What you doing anyway? I thought you was on a double shift.
GP check-up.
I go all the time, sparing you the full facts.
I've got to go.
See you in a bit.
Want a glass of water? And that's it, gone? You can come back for a check-up afterwards if you want.
You always this helpful? Or are you specially keen to make sure I don't drop one? We treat everyone the same.
It's your decision.
How long can this go on for? Oh, fucking days.
Days? Piss off.
I'm knackered.
It must be ready to come out.
Yeah, it is.
- I'm holding it in.
- What? I meant it.
It's not coming out till Frank's here.
He's in a coma in hospital.
Well, why didn't you fucking tell me? The doctor said not to.
Oh, get me fucking bag.
I spy with my We're not that desperate.
Coming through! What is it? I had to tell her.
She wouldn't give birth till she got here.
- I can't watch.
- Me neither.
It's down to me again.
Get a nurse! Do you think you could wake up for the birth? Look at the useless asshole.
He's out for the fucking count.
Don't talk about your dad like that! He's not my dad You're awake.
About fucking time, mate.
Brekkeroo.
What's with the City boy stripes? Fucking belting opportunity, mate.
Luck's in, Daddio.
With your son by your side we're going to rock the world.
Room at the trough for all the little pigs.
We need a chat once you finish malingering.
Five minutes R&R, then we teleport.
Ready for your injection, nurse? You're doing great.
The baby's coming! Push.
Now then, now then.
How's about? How's about concentrating on the main event? Me.
Later.
You're like a dog with two fucking dicks.
Do you know what you're looking at apart from a fucking handsome devil? Shock me to my bones.
Behold Svengali.
The showbiz entrepreneur.
I sniff out the small acts, promote them in clubs.
Screw the girls, take all the money, flog 'em on.
Fucking licence to print, mate.
I'm wedged.
Flower, Dad? Oh, thanks, Lola lovely.
Fighting fit? Back to the best of myself, Lo.
The very best.
That's the fucking spirit, our Dad.
Can you do that any harder? Jesus.
I'm straight off me deathbed here.
Daddy's home.
What's with the blankets? I'm sorry, Frank.
I've gone all insidey-outsidey again.
Jesus Christ, Sheila-Monica.
I told you.
You've got to stop it, babe.
I've run out of special pills.
She's cooked for you.
I've tried it.
A bloody gorgeous pie.
Mm! SHE FARTS Melty mega.
I've done your ironing for you, love.
It's a tonic to see all my girls lined up.
Got any socks need mending? I could wash your hair.
Give the man some space.
He's been in a coma.
If that's not the fucking definition of deserving a pint, I don't know what is.
Can I come? Sorry, mate.
You've still only got one arm.
It's all that wanking.
I warned you.
It's worth an arm.
Awww! Bye! Bye, Dad.
Love you.
Filled an 'ole.
Scratched an itch.
It's your fucking round.
You're the best.
Apart from your dad, of course.
Thanks for that, Karen.
It's always nice to be remembered.
So what do you say? - What? - To me being your manager.
Managing what? - You really don't know? - What? You're a talented guy.
With my help sky's the fucking minimum.
Infinity's the limit.
Pads! Who is the funniest guy you've ever seen or met? I've seen Les Dawson, Tarby, Fat Bernard, creepy Doddy, the lot.
Funniest man I've ever met, Frank.
Me? Without a doubt.
Frank Gallagher.
You crack me up.
Cheers, Pads.
On your way.
I'm funny? All you need to do is get on stage and rant like a bastard.
Try it out here.
Talent night tonight.
Thank you, Chatsworth.
You've been a lovely audience! Do you believe me now? I do! I do! That was the moment I've been waiting for.
I am finally born.
That's what it feels like, like I've been born.
Perspective, mate.
Don't blow it out your arse just yet.
It's only The Jockey.
Do we have a deal? We do.
I'm going to be a fucking star.
Finally, recognition.
Yeah! It's all down to you, Son.
Keep pushing, Mum.
I can see its head.
Keep pushing, you're doing well.
- It's coming! - One last push, Mum.
You've gone stellar, haven't you? Can't get away from you on the box.
They're making a documentary about you, aren't they? Thought he were clever but he were nowt but a thieving, pikey twat.
But smoked his own weight every week, so what can you do, eh? Despite the booze, fags, drugs, he does have surprisingly sweet breath.
For years he's pretended I'm a man in drag.
Bloody gay, I reckon.
Calls me Bob Selecta.
Still, better than Phil Selecta.
'Day 88 in the house.
' Elton's having a difficult one though.
A bit down.
'Do you think that could have anything to do with the fact 'you called him a fat, bald gaylord? ' 'Let's see how Franky fares in his tough fucker trial.
' Get me out of here now! 'Doesn't his paso doble stand out? ' This is where history began.
Talent night here.
Pissed it.
Acting all shit-faced.
The irony is I don't drink that much.
You know, it's an act.
You know, a persona.
You've been very generous in attributing a large portion of your success to your son, Ian.
I believe you signed half your earnings over to him.
Sorry, can't talk about that.
Oh, all right.
Let's cut there.
Big news, Daddio.
What? Another triumph.
I get bored of them.
Too fuckety-fuck it is.
Adam Sandler's dropped out of some shit film and they want you.
Hollywood? Exactamundo.
Globalisation.
Everything we've ever hated is ours.
You're fucking Starbucks and McDonald's wrapped in a stream of pissed bollocks.
I'm a franchise? A Frankise! Me and a line of sons reaching round the world.
My loins.
Success! God, I got a good 'un when I got you.
What's that? I've rescued a little baby puppy.
What the fuck for? Well, for us.
We can't take it to America because he's scared of flying too.
Please, I need you.
- Monica needs you.
- Choose the real thing.
Hold him Frank, it's real.
Choose the real thing.
It isn't a choice.
You signed this.
I'm everything you wished for.
That's a copy.
What? You owe me money, Frank.
Gotta pay.
I need you! I did say I was a handsome devil.
But But I'm your father.
I made you.
Not strictly true.
No blood, as you never fucking tire of reminding me.
Choose us, Frank.
Take the puppy.
Take it.
Don't touch the puppy, Frank! Don't touch it.
Don't touch the puppy.
Don't touch the puppy.
He's awake.
What's this? Where's its tail? It hasn't got a tail, it's a little girl.
Another one? You all right? I'm glad you were there.
Did I faint? It weren't too bad.
She's lying.
It were fucking horrible.
She did really well.
Lan was here for me.
Will you say hello to your little sis, Ian? Two hours.
Two hours.
What if they've not found her.
Stop.
Look at what we know.
It's a woman, that's got to be good news.
She likes Katie.
She met her a few times.
Carl trusted her.
Even he's not stupid enough to leave her with a proper fucking headcase.
You let him take her out.
So it's my fault? No.
You left Katie with him, so he can't be that untrustworthy.
She will be found.
You got a light, love? Yes, somewhere.
Here you go.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
How old is she? Uh, three.
What's your name, sweetie? She's called Gemma.
I don't really like people smoking round her.
Yeah.
Apparently it's bad for you.
Katie? She's massive.
She looks about three months old.
Can you go and get your mam, Debbie? I was going to get off.
Can't Liam do it? Leaving your old dad? I'm seeing Tom.
I'll get her.
What are you going to call her? Stella.
Good name.
Pretty.
Why don't you call her Tenants Purple or Thunderbird? Fuck's sake, Dad.
Not the beer.
Jesus, I'm not that fucking deranged.
Stella for "star".
Our lickle star.
- What's that for? - Thanks for looking after your mam.
It's appreciated.
You're a good son.
Sometimes I look at you and Mum and I can see how you very nearly work.
Bugger me.
I fucking can't Have you stopped? You can't even fucking look after her.
Look at the state.
She's filthy.
I just thought I could be a mum to her.
Hers has run off.
She hasn't run off.
She's desperate.
She really looks like my little sister.
Don't tell me.
She died in a terrible fucking accident.
We had a fire.
Is that true or are you just some fucking nut? Of course it's true.
It's my sister.
I didn't know what to do.
At the time I wasn't thinking.
I just wrote our old address down without thinking.
And then I'm sorry.
I don't want you to drop your load, but her family are well fucking creative when it comes to revenge.
Get help.
And get it a long way from here.
I will.
Quite nice really, isn't she? The girl didn't mean any harm.
I don't think.
- Katie! - Is she all right? She's lovely.
Did you see the girl, Bindy? Yes.
Can you give us a description? I can give you better than that.
Got a photie.
Go on, take a look.
That her? You haven't got one with more of her in, have you? Like what? More upper body.
Fuck it.
That's her, deffo.
- Thank God.
- And Kelly.
Some terrible things have been said about this girl.
Yeah, mainly by you.
Shut up, dickless.
And I'm sorry but that's behind us now.
This house will always be gratefu! And always have a welcome for you.
Ta.
Ta.
So what do we do with Carl? Don't do anything to him.
We've got her back now and that's all that matters.
No, I meant what do we do with him? Do we leave him there? I'm going to be sick! You can't fucking just leave me here! Help! How were check-up? - What? - You went to t'doctors.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm fine.
- Bollocks.
What are you lying for? Tell me.
I was arranging an abortion.
You can do it with a pill now.
Is it mine? You're the only man I've been careless with.
I haven't had any accidents with anyone else.
- Is it mine? - Yes, it's fucking yours.
Did you take it? No, not yet.
Good.
Fucking hell, Kelly.
We've got a tradition, a family tradition.
Maguires, you knock a girl up and you stick by her, no matter what.
What? Kelly You're a A wave washed over my whole life and made it worth something.
You know - Shane? - Shut up.
I'd do anything for you.
I worship you.
I love you.
I want us to have this baby.
Oh, that's better! Full house.
I was beginning to think it was empty round here.
Has it done anything yet? Yeah, she's give us a tip on a horse and invited us round to the pub to wet her head.
Yeah? Joke.
You don't realise but your dad is a funny guy.
Yeah, right.
Come on, then.
Gather round.
And say hello to Stella lana Gallagher.
Lana? Oh! - Who wants to hold her? - Me.
OK.
Good girl.
Where are you off? Get changed.
Can't go to the pub like this, can I? I'll get my jacket.
You're dumping her on us already? Come back! Mum, Dad.
I'm up the chuff.
That'll be the making of you.
- I'm delighted.
- Thank you.
Did you hear that? Pregnant.
That's how you do it.
I'll be proud to be the grandfather of your child.
- What about the prossie stuff? - What prossie stuff? And the drugs.
Shit.
What drugs? Is there a Maguire tradition if you knock a girl up? There is.
Never give your real name.
You fucking romantic bastard.
Drinks.
A celebration! Hey, we have had another little one.
Is there anything you wouldn't use to get a free drink? I have had a bang on the head.
- Drinks are on the house tonight, Frank.
- First round.
That'll do.
Sorry.
Watch where you're fucking going.
I'm Kelly fucking Maguire, nearly.
Good evening, Chatsworth.
As some of you may already know we have become a father again.
Thank you, thank you.
Little Stella is over there with the rest of my wonderful family.
Liam and Debbie and Carl and Ian.
And my wife Monica.
I could not be prouder and I would like to take this opportunity of giving you my impersonation of Stephen Hawking in the bath.
For the universe is complete Shut up.
Fucking hell.
Don't mock that man.
He's a fucking hero.
Off.
Bollocks.
Party.
Here you are.
Little Stella.
Stella.
Cheers Dad.
Dick.
'Dick? 'Oh, yeah, cheers.
'All this nature versus the other bugger's shite, bollocks.
'Comes down to it, you know you're a parent if you're being abused 'and you don't mind.
Say anything.
'Say the un-fucking-sayable and carry on like sod all's happened.
'That's family.
'I'm Frank Gallagher and I'm a fucking dick.
'The colours of the rainbow so pretty in the sky 'Are there on the faces of people going by 'I see friends shaking hands saying, "How do you do?" 'They're really saying 'I hear babies crying 'I watch them grow 'They'll learn much more 'Than I'll ever know ' Oi, Frank, put that out! 'And I think to myself 'What a wonderful world 'Yes, I think to myself 'What a wonderful wor-r-r-rld.
' 'Thank you.
' Get a good eyeful, won't you, mate?