The Conners (2018) s05e16 Episode Script

1
This time, just tell me
when I'm at the bottom step.
The swelling's almost gone.
You're fine.
I'd love to help you guys,
but, you know, pregnant.
We should make that phrase
a drinking game.
The drinking game is
how she ended up pregnant
in the first place.
I'm having a real
"circle of life" moment here.
You get pregnant,
you can't support yourself,
you move back in with your mom.
We don't have many traditions,
but the ones we have are magical.
Hey, Harris,
I still have Beverly Rose's
old baby clothes and crib.
Do you want them?
Mm, no, thanks.
I'll pass on the hand-me-downs.
I'd rather start with all new things
that my kid can make their
own childhood memories with.
Sorry, we really can't afford
for your kid to have their own memories.
Beverly Rose's memories
are still perfectly good,
and you can use those until
your child grows out of them.
There's years of generational
trauma in those clothes.
Come on, Harris.
Money's really tight right now,
'cause I don't start work
for a few weeks.
And besides, Beverly Rose's
stuff is way better
than anything you had.
Oh, yeah. Your bassinet?
That was one of your grandpa's
old Hickory Farms baskets.
It worked okay,
but it was hard to hug you,
'cause you smelled like summer sausage.
It's okay. I'll just buy stuff
with my own money.
- Hey, look who's here!
- There she is!
- I'm back.
- Welcome home, baby!
Yay! I'll get this.
- Mm.
- No, no, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Those are mine.
- Oh, sorry.
Yeah, I was just in the rhythm
of grab-and-move.
I almost packed up Darlene earlier.
Yeah, Becky bet me five bucks
that I couldn't fit in a suitcase.
- And I could.
- Ah.
Aww, finding new things to shove
Darlene in, and I missed it.
Yeah, well, you're home for good.
We'll have plenty of time
for her shenanigans.
Oh, really?
- You're all done touring?
- Yeah.
Your dad and I talked, and I'm done.
Yep. The rest of her life
will be spent with only me.
Mm.
Geez, Dan, you make it sound
like a life sentence.
You've seen how I eat.
How long could it be?
Oh, hey, Harris.
How are you feeling?
Uh, I'm a little uncomfortable,
but it's all good.
I'm moving back in with my mommy,
and she's gonna make me
mac and cheese from the box.
So, you and Darlene
living together again
that's nice.
Look, I hope everything works
out exactly the way you want
and not the way we all expect.
Hey, we are different now.
We respect each other,
and Harris is a very responsible person.
When she runs off to Florida
and dumps the kid on me,
I know she'll still
FaceTime on the weekends.
What? Like, every weekend?
Ugh, I'm the only one
doing any work around here.
Don't worry, Dan.
I get that there's been
so much going on here,
you couldn't plan anything
special for my homecoming.
I did plan something.
I just thought you were
coming home tomorrow.
I told you I was coming home
on our anniversary.
I assumed you meant the anniversary
of the day after our wedding
the day it really hit me
how perfect you are.
I'll allow it.
Do we really have to go out there?
Why don't we just spend
the whole day and night in bed
and lock everybody out of our world?
Oh, I've never spent 24
consecutive hours in bed before.
- I better not try it.
- Why not?
Well, the same reason
I don't try heroin.
I might like it too much.
Seriously, Dan, I need this.
I have been gone so long,
and I missed you so much.
Oh, I missed you, too, baby,
but I really should help with the move.
I mean, granted, we got Mary
to do most of the heavy lifting,
but when she stands up now,
she's starting to say, "Oy!"
She's got plenty of help out there.
And besides, I, uh
I can't believe I'm gonna say this,
but I think it's okay if we bend
the rules and, uh, eat in bed.
That's heroin to my ears. I'm in.
Wow, I didn't even mention sex yet.
Well, I don't know what's coming
first, the food or the sex,
but I'm gonna be on my back,
watching TV for all of it.
"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
Oh, that was so good.
Oh, I haven't finished, Louise.
Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.
You're just so slow.
I've already had four.
You know, with this waterbed,
it's kind of like surf and turf.
Fancy. But, really, what's
the plan after this?
Well, since we've just
finished the marathon
of the "Jurassic Park" films,
why don't we start
on the James Bond movies?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I watched them all while you were gone,
except for the ones with Roger Moore.
He's got the manners of a good butler
and the animal savagery
of a good butler.
I know.
Let's watch the
"Fast and Furious" movies.
No one in those has any manners.
- Time to leave the room.
- Nope.
We're going on two days in here.
What's up?
- A lot.
- Would you care to be more specific?
Fine.
When I was out on the road with my mom,
she wanted to stay out there
past the end of the tour
because what was I in such
a hurry to get back for?
And I said "Dan and"
I couldn't think of anything
after the "and."
I'm just happy I made the list.
And in first position, I may add.
You got plenty of time to figure
out what comes after the "and."
You just got back.
I thought about it for weeks
on the road after she said it.
Really, Dan, I have no idea
what's out there for me
on the other side of that door.
Well, you're never gonna know
until you stop hiding.
No, I can't do it.
I I I I don't want to.
I've been a musician all my life.
Music saved me when I was a teenager
going in a bad direction,
and touring with a band
is all I really know.
I've always known where I was going,
and now I don't.
I need a purpose, Dan.
It's the guys that used
to play at Casita Bonita.
I told you I thought you were
coming home today.
Welcome home, Louise ♪
Dan's gonna give you ♪
A squeeze ♪
I wrote that.
Thank you, Dan. That was so sweet.
You know, they're expecting us.
We really should go down there.
- Uh, not gonna happen.
- Are you sure?
They're playing at a mattress
store opening right after this.
If you want a picture,
we really should get down there.
Sorry, fellas. She won't come out.
- She doesn't have a purpose.
- Dan.
Well, I didn't want them to
think it was anything they did.
Oh, well, you're not gonna be
needing this for a while.
I know.
No smoking, no drinking,
no bouncy houses,
and no caffeine, which sucks.
No caffeine? That's a new one.
When I was pregnant, I was so tired,
I, like, tripled my caffeine.
Maybe that's why you just
popped out and ran all the way
down the hallway to the nursery.
No, that was because I was
looking for a nice,
rich family to go home with.
So, uh, what else have you
learned about pregnancy?
Um, I did read that there are some women
who don't experience any pain in labor.
Uh, yeah. Meth heads and liars.
The best way I can describe it
is it's like pulling your upper
lip over the top of your head.
Oh, but still, like,
a beautiful experience.
Yeah, laugh now, while you
still can without peeing.
Am I hearing laughter in here?
Are you spying on us?
I was just hanging nearby,
in case you two needed a referee.
When you guys are alone,
it turns into "Squid Games"
pretty quickly.
We're fine.
Just a mother and daughter
bonding over the horrors of childbirth.
It's not always horrible.
I barely felt it.
That doesn't count.
Beverly Rose was a preemie.
Mark weighed more at birth
than I did when I got married.
I could use that bong right now.
My stomach really hurts.
It's like bad cramps.
- Did they just start?
- No.
I mean, I felt a little
something the last few days,
but not like this.
Um, well, yeah, it's probably nothing,
but why don't we just take
a quick trip to the doctor,
- just to be sure?
- Okay.
It's been a while since
they left for the doctor.
Yeah, I know.
But they'll be home soon,
and then we'll find out what's going on.
So, Mark should be home
from his school trip tomorrow.
And, uh, we're supposed
to have his new bedroom
set up by then.
He's gonna love going from
a private bedroom
to a room that has
a table cloth for a wall.
Well, at least there's a big window
where strangers can look
in on him from the road.
I'll just take all his books
to the garage for now.
Oy.
Hey, everything okay?
Uh, let me get Harris
settled up in her room
and I'll be right back down.
No, we can tell her.
Yeah, I had a miscarriage.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
I mean, I wasn't planning to have a baby
before I got pregnant.
And even though I decided to keep it,
I guess I should be
kind of relieved, right?
You can be, that's a normal reaction.
Hey, just, uh, don't tell
Grandpa and Louise yet.
She just got home,
they're spending time together.
I don't want to mess that up.
Do you need anything?
No. It's all good.
It's also okay if it's not all good.
No, I'm I'm fine.
And, hey, now I'll go back to
my regular life, right?
Well, look, that's a healthy way
to look at it.
I mean, maybe this all
worked out for the best.
Right. Yeah, I know.
Of course you would think that.
You didn't want me to have
the baby to begin with.
So I bet you're really relieved.
No, that's not at all
I'm tired. I'm gonna lie down.
Hey, it
I don't know if this helps,
but no matter how mad
Harris is at you right now,
wait till Mark sees you
moved him into a window seat.
No, that doesn't help.
That's why I said, I don't know.
I'm gonna empty the bone bucket
and feed the chickens.
Wanna go?
Uh, no, I I'm good right here.
How 'bout we take a stroll
through the living room, see the sights.
I hear it's lovely this time of day.
You're not listening to me, Dan.
I can't do it.
I I just can't go out there.
Well, maybe you're
over thinking this, honey.
Retirement's not supposed
to be this complicated.
It's you spending time
with the one you love.
That's a pretty good life.
Look, you know I love being with you.
Even the little things
counting out your pills,
doing mole checks.
It's not enough.
I don't know how to be more that I am.
Oh, come on, Dan.
You know what I mean.
Oh, I do know what you mean.
You're saying very clearly
that I'm not enough for you.
It is so hard getting out of that bed.
You know, people our age
have tubs they can walk into
and chairs that lift them
into a standing position.
Why the hell do we have a waterbed?
Because I thought
it would be fun for us,
but I guess I have no idea
about what you want.
Oh, so so now you're insulted?
Because I just want
a little more in my life?
Yeah, I guess I am.
You been home less than two days
and you're already thinking
about what you can do
- besides spend time with me.
- Okay. Great.
Let's make it about you now.
No, it's very obviously not about me.
You know who wants to
be with me? My chickens.
When I rain corn on them,
they look at me like a god.
What are you doing?
I'm going back to live with Grandpa.
I'll be back for the rest
of my stuff tomorrow.
Wait, you're leaving?
Is this because I said that
your life might be better
without a baby right now?
Because you said you could
go back to your normal life,
and then I was just agreeing with you.
You are so full of crap.
You said that because
that's how you really feel.
And this whole thing
makes you feel better.
No, that's not true, Harris.
Come on, let's just talk about it.
No, I'm done talking.
I can't live here
looking at you every day
knowing how happy you are
that I didn't have the baby.
Bye.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I talked to Harris. Poor kid.
That's a hell of a thing
for her to go through.
I know. She up in her room?
Yeah. I asked her if
she needed anything,
- and she just wanted to rest.
- Hmm.
Well, she forgot some of her meds
and I'm gonna make her
some mac and cheese.
Uh, would you mind
bringing this up to her?
What the hell happened
over at your place?
How come you don't want
to bring it to her?
We're a mess right now.
She thinks I'm happy
about what happened to her.
And I tried to talk to her about it,
but I guess it just made it worse.
Well
then stop talking.
She needs to be mad
at something or someone,
and right now, that's you.
So, take her her pills
and her mac and cheese
and just sit there.
You really think that'll help?
Yes, I do.
Can I bring my phone
so I've got something to do?
You might be surprised
at what she has to say
if you just stop talking.
Alright, I'll try.
Hey, wait, what are you doing
in the garage?
I got a really gross text from Louise
saying you guys were gonna spend
the next couple days in bed.
I blocked her in case
she was gonna send pictures.
You wanna know the truth?
I don't follow my own advice.
I was talking when
I should have been listening.
Well, I don't know what you did,
but go in there and undo it
'cause we need Louise.
She's the only of us
that's strong enough
- to pull you out of a bathtub.
- I know.
That's why I'm out here
trying to figure out how to undo it.
I made it about me.
And a little bit about the chickens.
That's how you know
you've lost an argument,
when you start talking about chickens.
How come I get a ticket
every time I roll through a stop sign,
but this guy can fly over a school bus,
and there's not a cop around anywhere?
You don't get it.
This time it's personal.
Uh, I've been thinking,
and and you're right.
It's not about me.
I know women hate it when
men try to come up with fixes,
so here's 33 fixes, because I'm
an incredibly slow learner.
"Potential purposes
for Louise's new life."
Oh, Dan, this is really sweet.
But how does learning to pole dance
help me to feel fulfilled?
Well, that'll keep you busy
when you're not craft-brewing beer.
Re Keep reading.
Uh, "Lingerie model/pie maker."
Well, uh, just skip that one.
Oh, now now, these show some promise.
"Writing jingles for local
businesses, teaching guitar,
playing a piano near
the fountain at the mall."
Yeah, I could wear something tight
and lay across the piano.
You know, it's interesting.
I I have thought about teaching,
but never at a halfway house.
Maybe music could make a difference
in someone else's life.
Yeah, just writing that one down
made me feel like a better person.
So I did good, huh?
Yes. Good boy.
Arf! Treat, please.
Now, can we maybe think about
getting out of this room?
Yeah.
I mean, I'm not completely sure
what my new purpose is,
but I know what it is for today.
We Geez.
We are going bed shopping,
and and not at that mattress store
with the mariachi band.
I I don't think I can
face those guys.
- Hi.
- What do you want?
I made you some mac and cheese.
There's, uh, two powder packets in here,
'cause you're not driving, right?
I really don't want to hear
anything you have to say.
Well, here's the deal.
I'm not gonna say anything.
Oh, good. Then you can leave.
- I am gonna say one thing.
- Knew it.
Look, no matter what you think,
I would never, ever
want you to go through
something like this.
There is not one bit of this
that makes me happy.
I mean, that was gonna be my grand kid.
It's hard for me to think
about you being so relieved
that I wasn't gonna have the baby.
I'm having all these crazy feelings,
even though I wasn't planning
to have a baby.
Well, yeah, I mean, you were
just starting to wrap your head
around keeping it and getting
excited about being a mom,
and then, suddenly, that's taken away.
Well, I mean, that's got
to be hard and confusing.
I know. I I let myself
connect with it,
and now that's gone.
And the minute I start to think
maybe it'll be easier this way,
I I feel so guilty.
I know I, like, could have eaten better
and rested more
No, no, no. Don't do that.
It's not your fault, okay?
This is so common.
Remember what the doctor said?
It's like 20%.
But just the fact that you feel
like you didn't do enough
means that, one day,
you're gonna be a great mom.
Alright? Now, it's gonna come in waves,
and when it does, you can talk,
and I will listen.
Thanks.
You're not gonna hold me
the whole time, are you?
Well, not the whole time,
but until you fall asleep,
and then another hour or two
unless I fall asleep,
then for the night.
I don't know what's more suffocating
your love or this
dense-looking mac and cheese.
I was going to ask
if you wanted to come back
to the house and live with me again.
- Really?
- Yeah, but it's too late.
A half hour after you left,
I turned your room
into a scrap booking space.
Scrap booking?
What part of our lives
do you want to remember?
Uh, so after you choke that down,
- how about we go home?
- I'd like that.
Yeah, besides, you're gonna
spend enough time in this room
when you come back after you get
knocked up by the next drifter.
Was it too soon?
Can't we just move our new bed in?
The waterbed was our first bed
as man and wife,
and I think it's important
to commemorate
this new chapter in our lives.
Alright.
Well, seems a little much to me,
but if you want to do it, okay.
Okay, we're ready!