The Goldbergs s05e16 Episode Script

1 Adult Adam: Who can forget the gruff, no-nonsense gym teachers of the '80s? They were true athletic authorities who demanded respect and ruled our lives with an iron whistle.
None more than William Penn Academy's Coach Mellor.
Well, aren't you a tall glass of Gatorade? Go get 'em, Ricky! [ Whistle blows .]
After a great deal of legal wrangling, I am excited introduce a new unit -- full-contact Red Rover.
- Oh! - Ugh! Did I hear somebody say "full-contact"? But like clockwork, my smother would always save me from the dangers of physical movement.
I forced Principal Ball to give me an advanced copy of all your units, and my baby is not doing anything full contact.
It's all very embarrassing, but so worth it.
It sure was -- till one fateful day when everything changed.
Today, we will be climbing the celebrated gym rope.
Fear not.
This inch and a half of blue cushion will probably break your fall.
Goldfarb, kick us off.
Sorry, Coach.
My old lady likes to keep all this on safe ground.
She'll be here in three, two, one Mama! Face it, Goldfarb -- she's a no-show.
Time to let the rope get to know every part of you.
Thing is, my mom's doing this whole Bevolution to reinvent herself and kind of dropped the ball on her schmoopie.
[ Whistle blows .]
Move! For the very first time, I was Momless and had to face the infamous rope on my own.
And like many gym scrubs before me, I sucked real bad.
Coach believes in you, kiddo! Dig down deep! Failure is not -- And he's coming down! [ All gasp .]
I'm alive! [ Groaning .]
Oh, no.
Coach, you okay? Pain is just weakness leaving the body.
Now, make room for me to acrobatically leap to my feet like a jungle cat.
S-S-Should I call Nurse Steve? No need! Just a tiny sprain! It is not a tiny sprain! I've ruptured my C2 vertebra.
As a result, I can no longer aggressively sneeze or use my full head to properly whistle.
Man, I feel like this is kinda partially my fault, Coach.
Oh, it is 100% your fault.
And as such, I will unfairly put you on a dodgeball team with a bunch of weak-armed scrubs so you get yours.
Game on! Ah! Let me just grab a couple ball [ Laughter .]
Who did that?! [ Laughter stops .]
Who laughed at me?! Admit it! I can't turn my head, so I couldn't see.
You will not laugh at Coach! You will respect your sports leader -- Aah! [ All gasp .]
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day Adult Adam: It was March 21st, 1980-something, the week my sister hit an important college milestone -- growing to hate her roommate.
And the tipping point a box of chewy fruit snacks.
Have you seen my Shark Bites? I've seen no Shark Bites.
Weird, because, um, when I went to class, my Shark Bites were here.
And now, my Shark Bites are gone! Are you, like, suggesting I ate your Shark Bites? Oh, I'm saying you ate my Shark Bites.
You owe me Shark Bites! And you owe me half a Taco Bell taco I left out last night! So, you admit it.
Oh, I admit it.
I ate them all.
And my tummy is super jacked up, but it was worth it to even the score.
I will eat everything you own! Aah! - Stop it! - No! [ Indistinct arguing .]
Yep.
Living on top of each other finally got to them.
[ Trumpet playing off-key .]
Really?! It's for class, so suck it.
You know, I'm getting really tired of how crazy passive aggressive you are! Me? You purposely didn't refill the ice tray.
I couldn't because somebody made it all crusty from the jello shots that she made in it.
I have no memory of that entire night, so I win this argument.
Did you? No! My special ice tray! And things went from bad to worse when Erica came home to a scrunchie on the door.
Back before texting, this message meant your roommate had romantic company, so go away.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Um, hello! Scrunchie on the door.
Just open up.
I'm exhausted.
Oh, I'd love to help you, but I'm entertaining Hector.
He plays the flute.
I don't want to know Hector facts.
I want to sleep in my own bed.
I'm sorry, but it's the scrunchie rule.
Go sleep in the common room with the other loveless losers.
Byeee! Wait! The only space in there is next to the leaky microwave! Then go home! Byeeee! [ Door closes .]
With no bed to sleep in, that's just what my sister did.
Such bull crap.
I used to be best friends with my roommate, and now we fight over who left the cap off the toothpaste.
- It was you, huh? - It was obviously me, - but that's not the point.
- Okay, I think I may have a solution.
When I went to visit my cousin at UCLA, I found out that there's one thing that overrules the scrunchie -- an out-of-town guest.
I mean, you can't make a visitor sleep in the common room.
- That's just rude.
- And it's perfect.
All I need is an out-of-town guest, and I win! How 'bout a foxy one who no longer needs his asthma nebulizer because he went through a yearlong course of shots for dust mites? That was supposed to sound cooler than it did.
Gah! These CDs are impossible to open! Yes, Barry! Come back to college with me this weekend! - Him? - He's the awful answer to my problems.
You know how you always annoy me on purpose and drive me crazy? It is my greatest joy in life.
Which reminds me Hyah! [ Can clatters .]
Yes! You are the worst! Can you channel that hateful, abrasive energy at my roommate and drive her away? Child's play, but my skills don't come cheap.
See to it.
Sure, I'll get crackin' on this while you pack.
Sucker! What about me? I can be mildly irritating sometimes.
Oh, well, if you want to help, you can open this because it's impossible.
Okay, fine, but I'm -- I'm not gonna clean up the soda that Barry spilled.
I'm just gonna blot it, okay?! Just in case anyone slips and hurts themselves.
I'm off to Dave Kim's.
He just got Super Mario Bros.
3.
So, chances are, I'm coming home Sunday night with some wicked Nintendo thumb.
Enjoy your Italian game, schmoopaloo.
Ooh, Mom, could you do me a solid and whip up some of our lemon loaf? Check your backpack.
No! A fresh one for Coach Mellor.
He got hurt pretty bad, and it's sorta my fault 'cause I fell off a rope, which is sorta your fault, 'cause you didn't bail me out.
That's on me.
I was just trying to improve my life by reading a book on boundaries.
Did you know I love you too much? Does this goodbye feel too long to you guys, too? Well, enjoy the house all to yourselves.
[ Door closes .]
You know, he's right.
All my squishy-tushes are gone for the weekend.
Listen to that.
What do you hear? Just your loud breathing.
You know, it weirdly sounds both wet and dry.
Exactly.
No kids to ask me for money or touch the thermostat.
No one to feed or clothe or tickle their backs to sleep Which is a good thing.
It's why you got the whole Bevformation.
Bevolution.
And you're right.
I-I need to accept the fact that soon I will have no one to take care of.
Look at me.
I promise.
When our kids leave, I will never, ever wash a dish.
That's my gift to you.
With little prospects at home, my mom decided the best prospect for mothering was elsewhere.
Oh, hi.
Welcome to Mellor Manor.
I heard you weren't feeling great, so I whipped up a healing lemon loaf.
Bring it in.
Bring it in.
I can't wait to mash that up and drink it through a straw.
Where are my manners? [ Chuckles .]
Do you want some coffee and cheese? Oh, my God, Rick, are you okay? I'm tip top! Aside from the fact that I gotta sleep standing up and I can't take this shirt off.
Isn't there someone who can take care of you? I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.
Aside from washing, eating, and opening damn cheese! You are coming home with me.
I could never intrude like that.
Oh, intrude away.
My house is empty and lifeless this weekend.
It's no bother.
You think you could pack a bag for me? I have limited range of motion.
Also, I'm so scared to be alone.
I can't tell you how badly I needed to hear that just now.
As my mom found a replacement for her children, my sister found the solution to get back at her roommate.
Hey, bad news.
Me and Hector saw "Roadhouse," so it's for sure another scrunchie night, 'cause, you know, Swayze.
[ Chuckles .]
Save it for your hair because I have my own guest from out of town.
That's me! - Ooh! - Hey! My super cute outfits! Sorry.
I need a place for my Drakkar Noir line of shampoos, soaps, shaving creams, and of course cologne.
Oh, no.
It smells like the boys' cabin at Camp Ramah before the Shabbat social! I guess the bad news is for you, because he's staying the whole weekend, which means you go.
I'll grab the rest of your colognes and ninja weaponry from the car.
Ugh! How did you live with your sister for so long? I was a baby for the first part, so I don't remember anything.
But once I was able to form memories, it got awful.
So, I get it.
She used to be so cool.
- And now, she's -- - Not cool! Totally.
She, like - Sucks.
- sucks.
[ Scoffs .]
What? Did we just finish each other's - Sentences? - sentences? [ Both gasp .]
Wow! We did it again! Your Drakkar suddenly smells good to me.
My sweat activates it.
Awesome.
[ Pounding on door .]
'Sup? Open up! Can't.
Your roomie has company.
- You?! - Me.
- Eww! - Yeah.
Erica, you cannot scrunchie my disgusting out-of-town guest! That is against the rules! I just wanna use your love tonight And turn off that sexy mixtape! Geoff made me that tape! Not to mention -- Eww! Adult Adam: Meanwhile, my mom was making Coach feel right at home.
Holy cheesy seafood! Your shrimp Parm is the Super Bowl of all meals.
Easy, sweetie.
Your getting sauce all over your white shirt.
Here, put on this clean one.
Oh! Oh, it's still warm from the dryer! Finish up 'cause I got Push Pops for dessert.
Push Pops? Score! Ow! I'm okay.
- Hey, Bevie! Hey, Bar.
- Hey, Mr.
G.
This isn't our moron.
This is a grown man with a neck brace.
Good eye.
Literally the first weekend that our kids are gone, you're already replacing them? Please.
I'm not trying to replace anybody.
He's eating all my food and wearing Barry's dumb orange shirt.
[ Mumbles .]
Your face is dumb.
- What? - Nothing.
Don't listen to him.
Why don't you run upstairs to your room, and I'll bring you your Push Pop later, okay? Cherry.
Don't forget.
Bevie, this is insane.
Wh-what are you doing? Oh, stop.
I'm just helping a coach in need.
I changed my mind.
I want grape.
Where are you going? To fix this! [ Stammering .]
Yeah, well, now, you know what? I-I want strawberry.
No! Wait.
I don't know.
Surprise me.
But anything but orange.
With Coach Mellor living under our roof, my mom was excited to be smothering again.
Hope you're hungry for some noodle kugel and a smoked fish medley.
No dinner for Coach.
I got a mutiny below deck.
Did you make today? Did you make poo-poos? Any poo-poos? 'Cause that's poison in the body, you know.
Suppose Coach could use some prunes.
Mm.
Great news! I solved everything! You're welcome.
Oh, yes, my dad went big.
He brought in Coach Rick's massive older brother, Coach Nick.
Wait.
This is your big idea, Murray? You try to fix things by calling his actual family?! Right, I'm the crazy one.
Look, the last thing I need is for my brother to take care of me.
You wouldn't say that if you tried my soup! Boys, stop.
I see what's happening here.
Coach Rick has a hurt neck, but Coach Nick's heart is in a lot more pain.
Whatever.
Doesn't matter.
No, in this house, our feelings matter.
I feel they both should go.
Shh.
Talk to your little brother, Coach Nick.
Use your words.
When you didn't ask for my help, it made me sad.
'Cause, you know, my love for you is big as my pecs.
That's, like, the biggest love a man can have.
Well, that's gotta make you feel special, Coach Rick.
Maybe special enough to share your feelings? Well it's like my neck is so jacked up, I can't even blow my whistle.
Bro, you never been so real to me before.
I guess it's my turn to get even realer.
I don't have a home.
Oh, boy.
Kathleen kicked me out 'cause I didn't notice she changed her hair.
My God, Coach Nick, where have you been staying? At the gym -- I sleep on the weight bench and use a kettle bell as a pillow.
You can stay with me in my junior single condo, brother.
With one tiny bed? No, no.
You're both staying here for the weekend.
I won't take "no" for an answer.
Oh, boy.
Rick, why don't you show Nick where Erica's room is? She has a keyboard.
It's awesome.
I can play Axel Foley's theme! Hah! Hey, no running, boys.
You do realize that you're replacing our children - with grown men? - Stop.
They're simply sleeping in their rooms, wearing their clothes, and playing with their toys.
Now, if ya don't mind, I need to get some prunes into our son's gym coach.
Even though my dad failed at getting rid of his unwanted guests, Erica had a plan to get rid of hers.
- What the hell? - Bup-bup! 98, 99 First of all [gags.]
Second of all, I hope you'll enjoy brushing her greasy mane in the common room because that's where you both will be tonight.
I don't think so.
Your brother is now my out-of-town guest, and he's not going anywhere.
Oh, well, that's a shame because I called in a new out-of-town guest.
- Barry?! - Lainey-love! - Who is she? - Who are you? Lainey, my sucky roommate.
Sucky roommate, this is my best friend, who is also the love of Barry's life.
Was.
Seems like he moved on.
Babe, she means nothing to me.
[ Scoffs .]
Hey, when I say "nothing," I meant everything.
Don't even! My sister was right about you! Hey, sis, got you a sweet comb.
Don't try to make nice with me, traitor.
Lainey's my new out-of-town guest, which means both of you, beat it.
So, I just sat on a stinky bus for six hours to be used like some pawn in your battle with your roommate, who's now apparently your brother's new girlfriend? And it's fun to get together.
I just want to use your love tonight Whoa No? Not working? I don't want to lose your love tonight You? No? You? Last chance.
Okay.
[ Music stops .]
Dad! I got your message and rode Dave Kim's sister's bike the whole way here.
What's the emergency? Go snuggle your mother.
I thought this was serious.
It is! Your mom's in a bad place, and the only thing that'll snap her out of it is her delicious little snuggle monster.
- What? - You'll always be your mother's baby.
Now go let her smell your head.
[ Keyboard playing .]
My brother's Damn it.
My name is Nick Hey, I'm not ready to share this yet.
Dad Your mom's going through some stuff.
What do we do? You know what to do.
Ugh.
Mama! I need you! Schmoopie! You're home! I came home 'cause I missed you.
And I got scawwed.
[ Babbling .]
Uhh, will you give me sniffies on my head? I am gonna sniff the [bleep.]
out of your head! Mama G! Good news, my tummy's feeling way better.
I made real good.
[ Chuckling .]
That is fantastic! Oh, my God, what have I done? Can you guys pipe down a bit? I'm working on my music! [ Door closes .]
What have I done? [ Beeping .]
Did I say you could use that? Sorry.
Just preparing a little something for my out-of-town guest.
He may be peckish from his travels.
Geoff?? Ah! There's my guest now! Come, join me in the kitchen for some heated water.
They're being real uppity about sharing actual food.
You misplayed this one, douche lord! Geoff will clearly be my out-of-town guest, which means all of you need to get out! No! You had your chance to make me your out-of-town guest, but you chose Barry.
And then Lainey.
Hey, Lainey.
How you been? - Not great.
You? - Pretty good.
Well, then, since Geoff remains my out-of-town guest, all you ladies must leave unless Lainey wants to stay.
- I don't.
- What about Erica? - Nope.
- Then it's settled! Me and Geoff will stay in this room that's not ours.
Have a taste of the chef's special.
The secret's the heat.
No! I don't want to be your guest either! You only asked me here to piss off your sister for inviting your ex.
Fine! If you won't take my side, then I'll call in someone who will! JTP? JTP? JTP? JTP? Uh, Bar? We just drove three hours.
You said there was a sick college rager going on.
Did I say "rager"? Pretty sure I said "angry standoff in a dorm room.
" Dude, I missed my nana's birthday for this.
Yeah, man.
This is the worst thing - you and Geoff have ever done.
- What?! I told him it was your idea.
You get it.
Also seems like a good time to say I still have feelings for you.
It may be the worst time.
Okay, Lainey's not on board.
What's he talking about? He's talking about overriding the scrunchie rule, which is what I'm gonna do.
What the hell? I was promised Neil Peart from Rush would be here.
Oh, look, there's Barry from school.
Hi, it's Carla.
That's Carla from school.
Enough.
I'm telling the RA you're the worst roommate on the planet and you gotta go.
Not if I tell him that you're worser and you gotta go! Srini, open up! My roommate's a monster who refuses to cap the toothpaste! She ate my Shark Bites! The world is her pantry! So, if anyone's out, it's her.
Actually, you're both out.
Geoff, don't you scrunchie that door! I'm sorry, but you guys have been best friends all year and all of the out-of-town guests agree that you need to grow up and work it out.
Best friends?! She's just some random girl picked from hat to live with me.
It's madness.
Strangers shouldn't be forced to sleep four feet apart! Wow.
That's all I am to you, some random stranger? That's not what I meant.
No, I get it.
You win.
Take the stupid room.
Adult Adam: Realizing she had swapped out her kids with coaches, my mom knew it was time to call the game.
Hot damn! Smells like Mama G's cookin' up a storm in here! Well, I figured it would be nice to send you off with full bellies.
Send us off? Did we do something wrong? It's my fault, huh? I ate all your apples.
No, you've both been very well behaved large and double-extra-large house guests.
It's just that, at some point, it's time to leave the nest.
It's so cruel and lonely out there.
And you have pillows here.
My big brave boys are ready to go.
[ The Outfield's "Your Love" plays again .]
I mean, look at you, Rick, with your Josie's on a vacation far away being clean now and, uh, Nick with your Come around and talk it over So many things that I wanna say music.
- You think? - I know! Now spread your wings and fly! You know I like my girls a little bit older Look out, world! Here come the Mellor boys! Now grab your snackies.
I just wanna use your love tonight Oh, um, actually, you know, neither one of us drove - She said fly! - [ Sighs .]
I don't wanna lose your love tonight So much for the Bevolution.
It's the first weekend ever without our kids, and I completely lost my mind.
Well, we still have a few more years to ease into it.
And what am I gonna do when they all leave for good? Honestly, it's gonna be awful for the both of us.
Please.
For the last four years all you've talked about is how you want them all to leave so you can have some peace and quiet.
Bevie, you know I hate change but it's easier for me to say, "I want them out" than to admit I love our crazy, loud family.
You're gonna miss 'em, huh? Really helps to know I'm not alone.
I just wanna use your love tonight Oh.
Hey.
I don't wanna lose your love tonight [ Clears throat .]
Welcome to the common room.
It's just for the night.
Housing is getting me a new roommate this weekend, so Okay, this is crazy.
You can't move out.
It's not like we're friends.
I'm just some random girl that got picked from a hat.
Look, college has been way harder than I thought, but you've been the only thing that's made it easier.
I'm sorry I ate your Shark Bites.
I'm sorry I stole your ice tray.
I'm sorry I played the trumpet in your face.
I'm sorry that I lured half my high school up here.
I'm sorry I made up Hector.
What?! He's so not real.
I just, like, needed you to go away.
That is brilliant - and totally something I would do! - [ Chuckles .]
As you leave me, please, would you close the door? And don't forget what I told you Come on.
Let's get our room back from my out-of-town guests.
No way they're letting us back in after what we pulled.
Well I think I have a way to make it up to them.
Another shoulder to cry upon All: I just want to use your love Tonight Yeah I don't want to lose your love tonight Yeah Thank God the one thing I learned at college is how to throw a good party.
I just wanna use your love tonight I got to admit, that six-hour bus ride was almost worth it.
I'm so sorry, Lainey.
It's okay.
It was so good to see you.
I don't wanna lose your love tonight - And Barry, too, kinda.
- I heard that! - She said it was kinda okay to see me! - Cool.
This is kinda the greatest night of my life! [ All cheer .]
Adult Adam: Turns out, one little scrunchie that was meant to keep my sister away brought everyone together.
As for my parents, for the first time, their future alone didn't seem so scary.
Murray, what's all this? Adam went back to Dave Kim's, so you're stuck with just me again.
In fact, the future looked brighter than ever.
You made me dinner.
You said you weren't even gonna wash the dishes.
People change.
Well, don't go changing too much.
You don't have to worry.
Sometimes, fate can bring strangers together in the most random of ways.
But suddenly, everything falls into place and that stranger becomes family.
But no matter what the universe has in store, you can face even the biggest of changes when the people you love most pull up a chair and never leave your side.
Hi, I'm Rick Mellor.
[ Bell dings .]
Just to have your name mentioned on a TV like that was kind of crazy.
I didn't believe it when people first started telling me about it.
I don't miss a show now.
The worst part about the whole thing, my neighbors think I actually act like that when I teach.
Think you guys are ready for the apex of rubber-ball-based sports -- dodgeball.
Next day at school, "Mr.
Mellor, can we play dodgeball?" So we end up start playing dodgeball again because of the show.
When you're a phys-ed teacher, you do stuff like that.
You have fun with the kids.
You do stuff with the kids.
The kids accuse me of breaking their ankles.
I never did that.