The Nanny s05e16 Episode Script

Good morning.
Morning.
How does it feel to wake up an engaged women? Well, you know how sometimes they say that when you finally attain your dream it's always a let down? They were wrong! ( laughing ) Shall I prepare your Carnation Instant Breakfast, Mrs.
Sheffield? You called me, "Mrs.
Sheffield.
" I did.
I did.
Say it again.
Mrs.
Sheffield, Mrs.
Sheffield.
( Screams ) Can you get me a satellite dish? Look, we're only engaged, wait until after the honeymoon, I'll get you Ted Turner on the roof with a hanger.
( laughter ) Who is it? The future Mrs.
Sheffield's mother.
Hi, Ma.
So do we have a ring yet? Ma, you know that when they caught the mugger they never recovered the ring.
Meanwhile, that mugger's girlfriend is giving him the conjugal visit of his life.
( laughter ) Darling, it's not a real engagement until I can take my daughter's hand and say stick these carrots in your soup Mrs.
Glickman.
Well, you know, we're going to use the pop top for a while, I mean that's an "I love each other" and that's all that really matters.
I don't care if I ever get a ring Oh, she's turning into a shiksa right before my eyes.
( laughter ) Hi, sweetie.
Hi.
How you feeling? Any better? A little.
My back's still a bit stiff from the mugging.
You know what's good for that? Walking.
Have you ever tried walking through the diamond district? ( laughter ) As a matter of fact, Sylvia, I have set the whole morning aside to take your daughter shopping for an engagement ring.
You know, we should go to my uncle Stanley's jewelry store on 47th street.
He has got a gold-plated borscht belt chest set with a Joey Bishop Bishop.
( laughter ) That's probably gone.
I'd really rather go to my jewelry, Cartier.
- Retail? - Retail? Out of the question.
Stanley would be so insulted if his future nephew didn't at least stop by.
Alright.
But I have to call C.
C.
first, you know, what with everything's that's been going on, I forgot to tell her about the engagement.
I've taken care of that for you, sir.
( Doorbell rings ) Fran and Maxwell are engaged, looks like you're the loser She'll be happy all her days and you'll become a boozer ( laughter ) She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell make up but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now, the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran I know you can't get your house keys copied at Cartier, but a lot of people say they do have a lot of very nice stuff.
( laughter ) Oh, oh, Maxwell, look at this.
Uncle Stanley designed this himself.
It's a lion's head made out of four ounces of diamond chips.
He calls it the quarter-pounder.
( laughter ) Franny! Uncle Stanley! Uncle Stanley! What's with the hand? You're practically family! You know, this girl is like a daughter to me.
You can have anything in the store at cost.
Plus 20% to cover expenses, you understand.
Tell me, Stanley, what grade is that stone there? I don't like to label.
( laughter ) Mm, is that a crack? If you have to ask, how big could it be? Oh, God, this is has to be the gaudiest thing I've ever seen.
Shh.
86 it, and if you like it, I'll try to work him down.
I'm sorry, Stanley, but I really don't think you have the kind of ring that we're looking for.
Hmm.
You need keys? ( laughter ) Well, maybe for the back door.
Oh, I can't believe we're in Cartier! And just look at all these diamonds! Of course, we carry an exquisite selection of De Beers.
Oh.
Beer sounds good, I'm a little parched.
Grab me a Heine.
( Gasps ) Maxwell.
Darling, I just want you to be happy.
Oh, my God, this is the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen.
Do you think that the stone is too big for my finger? I can find you something smaller.
Oh, no, I'll just grow my nail.
( laughter ) So what do you think? Let me see.
Oh, now that taka is a gezunteh ring.
You know, technically, the kids are Jewish now, it goes by the mother.
( Doorbell rings ) Oh, maybe that's Miss Babcock.
She hasn't seen the ring yet.
It is Miss Babcock! It is! ( laughter ) Their next gig will be tapping on your grave.
( laughs ) What are you so happy about? Hoover introduced its spring line? No, I'm just happy about Miss Fine's engagement.
They ain't married yet.
I haven't seen a ring Well, then, C.
C.
Babcock, come on down.
( laughter ) Well, it's beautiful.
( laughter ) I have to get back to work.
( laughter ) Fran, I just got a phone call.
Apparently we made the Liz Smith's column.
Oh, wait a minute, here it is, here it is, here it is.
Oh, look at that.
Maxwell Sheffield, Tony Award winner, is marrying the help ( laughter ) Well, uh, you know the old saying, it doesn't matter what they say about you as long as they spell your name right.
( laughter ) Fran Fone.
Don't let that you bother you, Miss Fine.
The Clarington's cordially invite Mr.
Maxwell Sheffield and his Fiancee, Fran Fine, to the social event of the year.
Oh, do you realize that this is the very first thing that acknowledges me as your future wife? I'm just gonna have to take this right down to Kinko's 'cause everyone's telling Ma she's a big fat liar.
Where is it? I can't remember.
C.
C.
: No! It's possible I left it under Miss Babcock's sandwich.
Oh, there This is the most exclusive clothing store in all of New York.
Apparently, it's so exclusive they don't even let the clothes in.
( laughter ) Where do you think the irregulars are? ( laughter ) There.
( laughter ) Oh, Miss, excuse me, hello? I'm sorry, the ladies room is for customers only.
Oh, well, I happen to have an appointment.
I have a very important affair that I need something very special for.
Well, then maybe you should try down the street at "Flash and Trash.
" ( laughter ) Is that store not great or what? ( laughter ) Darling, it's obvious you're cranky because you haven't had lunch.
Ever.
( laughter ) But my daughter is engaged to Maxwell Sheffield, the Broadway producer.
Oh, I'm sorry, you're Fran Fone.
( laughter ) Yes, that is to whom you are speaking.
And this is my Ma.
Enchanté.
( laughter ) And this is my dear friend Valerie Torielo of the Flushing Meadows Torielos.
( laughter ) North of the Tire Recycling Centre.
( laughter ) Well, may I interest any of you in an Issey Miyake? Oh, I'll try it.
Is it anything like Rumaki? I mean, is it in the same family? Oh, Val, I'm so nervous about this dinner party.
I just want to make a good impression, you know.
Help me find something that makes me look a little less Happy hour? ( laughter ) Yeah.
How about Uh oh.
Oh? Well this.
How about this? ( laughter ) ( laughter ) No good? ( laughter ) You look like you swallowed an accordion.
Oh, girl.
Come here, come here.
( laughter ) You are very upset by this marriage, aren't you? No, I love Fran, and Daddy does too.
No, he doesn't.
Miss Babcock, as hard as this is, you have to accept so you can move on with your life.
I've tried.
( laughter ) I really tried.
But you don't know how hard it is for me.
( laughter ) Oh.
I'm so alone in this world.
The only men I ever meet are the ones I audition.
Do you know how many straight chorus boys there are in this town? I do! ( laughter ) The only thing I have to look forward to is saying goodbye to Niles.
Maxwell told me they were gonna fire him when they got married.
( laughter ) I knew you were there.
You reek of Tilex.
( laughter ) ( cheering ) Oh, Fran, you look absolutely stunning.
I can't wait to get there and show you off.
Oh, well, maybe afterwards we can take a stroll through my old neighborhood and I can show you off.
Although, then I'd have to leave the ring at home.
Nah.
( laughter ) - I'll go get the car.
- Okay.
Niles, I'm so nervous about this party tonight.
What do I have in common with these people? Oh, you've been to parties like this before.
Yeah, but I was never invited.
( laughter ) Oh, well, what the hell.
Wish me luck.
Oh, you don't need luck Miss Fine.
You have style, you have flair.
That's how you became the nanny.
( laughter ) Oh, Niles, it is just all so romantic.
I mean, it's so magical.
He treats me like a princess.
( Horn ) I'm coming! ( laughter ) Oh, we are so married.
( laughter ) I'll tell you, I just love what you've done to your house.
You know, my aunt has a ceiling mural, too.
Only she's got a cottage cheese ceiling so all the cherubs look like they have acne.
It's not as nice.
Hello, darling.
Maxwell your fiancee is just delightful.
Wherever did you find her? Well, believe it or not, she just turned up at my doorstep selling cosmetics.
I believe it.
It's just like that film with Richard Gere when he married the hooker.
Oh, I remind you of Julia Roberts? Thanks! ( laughter ) And I thought I wasn't gonna fit in.
Hehe.
So, Kyle, tell me, how's your portfolio holding up with all this business in the Asian markets? Oh, still in the black, but I'm thinking of consolidating.
You know, speaking of consolidating, you have so much smoked salmon left over.
I'm gonna condense it onto one plate you'll have lox and eggs all weekend.
( laughter ) Is this caviar still good? Let's see.
( laughter ) I can't tell unless I have it on toast point.
( laughter ) Can you believe how they're ripping apart Maxwell Sheffield's fiancee? Oh, it's disgraceful.
I would die if they talked behind my back that way.
I feel so sorry for her.
Oh, Ma, there I thought that I was really fitting in, and they were really liking me and they were just laughing at me behind my back.
Oh, I don't know.
For the first time, I'm beginning to wonder maybe I'm not good enough for Maxwell.
What did they serve? ( laughter ) Ma, I'm pouring my heart out to you.
Medallions of beef with a so-so of béarnaise.
Darling, do you remember when we went to the Doral Hotel at Miami Beach and I want to the pool bar wearing a string bikini? Do you know why people were laughing behind my back? Because that was the view that was funny? ( laughter ) No, because they were jealous.
Because I dared to be different.
You're different, unique.
What was the dessert? ( laughter ) Oh, Ma, you know, I know you're just trying to help me, but sometimes you don't want to be different, sometimes you just wanna fit in.
Hello, Fran.
Hi.
Oh, hello Ma.
( laughter ) Well, that was supremely awkward.
Uh, would you mind if we stick with Sylvia.
Of course.
I mean, it's all so new.
We hardly see each other.
Maybe I should come over more often.
Ma, ma! Ma! That's the most natural thing in the world, you see.
So has your daughter been telling you what a smash hit she was last night? Oh, let's not rehash my triumph, it was a wonderful evening, I loved them, they loved me, we loved each other.
Well, that's good, because I invited them all over here Saturday night for dinner.
Yeah, you know, the Broadway investor is a dying breed, and all these people are potential backers.
I'm sure you will charm just like you did last night.
Oh, oh, good, honey, I can't wait.
Bye.
Oh, Ma, can you believe that? He's invited them all over for dinner and he's gonna be counting on me.
And I'm gonna humiliate him.
What are you gonna serve? ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) Would you like some company? Why would you want to sit next to me? 'Cause you got the chicken.
( laughter ) Oh.
Here you go.
It was extra crispy, but I've been crying.
( laughter ) Mm.
I know you.
Your picture was in the Society Column.
You're Fran Fone.
( laughter ) You read the Society Column? Read it, sleep on it, whatever.
( laughter ) Why are you crying? Oh, I don't want to burden you with my problems.
Would you like a hanky? ( laughter ) Oh, thank you.
No.
( laughter ) Oh, did you ever feel like you didn't belong? Like you're a complete loser and you're about to disappoint the man of your dreams? Yeah.
( laughter ) Look at me going on and on about my problems when I have so much to be grateful for.
You know what? Let me give you my home address and if ever you're in the neighborhood and you're hungry, please stop by, we always have lots of chicken.
But if a woman named Sylvia answers the door, you're out of luck.
( laughter ) You're a very sweet young lady and I can't imagine you could disappoint any man.
Oh, say, wouldn't you like a lifesaver? ( laughter ) Thank you, no.
( laughter ) Well, I've heard of fashionably late, but three hours is blimey avant garde.
Well, this is a disaster.
I've got enough shrimp to feed 45 people.
Oh, don't worry, Niles, I'll invite Ma to brunch tomorrow.
Oh, great.
Now I have to go out and get more.
( laughter ) I just don't understand it.
Is it me? Did I say something to offend them? Well, you know, honey, a lot of people drive jaguars so you're bound to get some anti-British sentiment.
( laughter ) Oh, sweetie, you know you did do something.
You're such a rich classy society guy and you're marrying so beneath you.
What are you talking about? The reason why nobody is here tonight is because they hated me.
They were all laughing behind my back.
I'm reason why you're losing all of your potential new backers.
Niles, what time is it? Remember that time.
This is the moment Maxwell Sheffield realizes he couldn't possibly marry nanny Fine.
Well, to hell with them! Oh, my poor darling.
Don't you realize you're worth more to me than any of them.
I love you.
( laughter ) Oh, please.
Let's see just how far that love takes you when you're standing on a corner with a sign around your neck that says: "Will produce Revival of 'Brigadoon' for food.
" ( doorbell rings ) - Good evening, sir.
- Hello, I believe I was invited.
Oh, my God, will you excuse me a minute, Fran? Oh, no, I'll take care of this.
I met him in the park and I told him that if he were hungry he could come by and I'll give him some food and maybe a couple of bucks.
What are you talking about? This is Preston Collier, I invited him.
When Bill Gates needs to borrow a cup of money, this is the door he knocks on.
Preston, I'm so glad you could make it.
Thank you, you have a wonderful woman here, Max.
You know, she thought I was hungry and she invited me right into your home.
Me! Someone she just met on a park bench.
That is so sweet and so like her.
Don't ever do that again.
( laughter ) So if you're rich, then what were you doing hanging out in Preston Collier Park? Oh, wait a minute.
( laughter ) You know, Max, I don't ordinarily invest in shows, but you obviously have impeccable taste.
Whatever amount it is, count me in.
I'm calling it time of death 9:10.
( laughter ) Hi.
Oh, hi, Sylvia.
Oh, darlings.
I understand.
You're still not comfortable calling me grandma yet.
It's still new.
Maybe if I came by more often.
( laughter ) - Grandma.
- Nana.
Bubbe.