Two and a Half Men s05e16 Episode Script

So I'm thinking we serve the good wine before the ceremony and then at the reception, after everybody's got a buzz on we uncork the crap.
Alan, I do not want to cheap out on what is very possibly my last wedding.
He's always been stingy.
I remember once when he was a little boy, he accidentally swallowed a quarter.
Refused to poop for a week.
Mom, for God's sakes, this is my future stepsister.
Oh, relax, Alan.
I think it's cute.
Cute?.
He's so tight, I wouldn't have been surprised if only two dimes came out.
Mom, I'm begging you.
Would you feel better if I told you something embarrassing about me?.
-Yes.
-Promise not to laugh?.
-I promise.
-All right.
I have never in my life refused to poop.
You are so mean.
I love you.
I think I liked it better when you two didn't get along.
Well, those days are over.
Once I saw how happy Evy makes my father, I could've married her myself.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
And you're like the daughter I never had.
Not that he didn't try.
You should have seen him parading around in my earrings and my high heels.
""Look at me, Mommy, I'm pretty.
"" He wasn't, of course.
Oh, darling, I'm just teasing you.
You're all man.
Thanks.
Okay, let's talk appetizers.
Hey, Alan, how long do I have before Bridezilla gets here?.
Gee, Charlie, I don't know what you're talking about.
She's already here, isn't she?.
Yes, dear.
Come on down.
It's a little game we play.
I show him unconditional love, and he's an ungrateful little pissant.
-Hey, Mom.
-Hello, dear.
You remember Teddy's daughter, Courtney?.
How could I forget?.
-Nice to see you again.
-Nice to see you too.
Courtney and your brother are helping me with the wedding arrangements.
It's your fifth wedding, Mom.
What do you need help with?.
Besides remembering the groom's name?.
I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.
Hello?.
Oh, Teddy, darling.
What's up?.
Excuse me.
That's wonderful.
Can you keep it up till I get there?.
All right, I want to make sure we're all on the same page here.
This wedding will be ruined if Mom finds out her son and future stepdaughter have been carrying on behind her back.
-Don't worry.
-She won't.
No, I do worry.
There can be no flirting, no innuendo.
Don't worry about "innuendo," worry about "in-her-end-o.
" Everybody keeps their troublemakers in their pants.
Hey, I'll cooperate, but I can't speak for my troublemaker.
Alan, T eddy wants to talk to you about the boutonnieres.
Coming.
I knew he'd fight me on this.
So when can we get together?.
We can't.
You and I are done.
Why?.
Just because of what Alan said?.
Nobody listens to Alan.
Hell, half the time, Alan doesn't listen to Alan.
I finally have a good relationship with your mother.
I'd like to keep it.
Hey, a good relationship with my mother is highly overrated.
Look at me, I've gone my whole life without one.
Charlie, get it through your head.
You and l, no more.
If it were that simple, they wouldn't call it ""troublemaker.
"" I'd like to make a little toast.
To our families coming together.
Hear, hear.
-To coming together.
-No.
Evelyn is gaining a daughter and I'm gaining two sons.
-And a grandson.
-Don't interrupt.
I'd like to say something else.
I want this to be an old-fashioned marriage.
Darling, what's mine is yours.
We do not need a prenup.
Teddy, we've talked about this.
You have a lot of money.
You should be protected.
I don't need to be protected from you, baby.
-Daddy, wait a minute.
-This is none of your business.
-But, Dad.
-But nothing.
I love this woman.
And I'm not gonna bet against our marriage by bringing a bunch of lawyers into it.
-He must really love her.
-Yeah.
The schmuck.
Excuse me.
I had a thought about the ice sculpture.
A lot of people go with Cupid but you gotta remember, the bow and arrow melts first and what you're left with is a fat kid dancing in shrimp.
There's gonna be shrimp?.
For the guests.
-So what am l?.
-Don't feed me straight lines, dear.
Excuse me.
Why would I feed her straight lines if there's shrimp?.
-I'll be out in a minute.
-I can't wait.
You'd better let me in now.
Charlie, get out of here.
Oh, come on.
You can't just cut me off like this.
Hey, I can cut off whoever or whatever I want.
Are you playing hard-to-get because you know it turns me on?.
I'm not playing, Charlie.
Okay, I just have to say, not playing turns me on more.
Charlie, are you in there with Courtney?.
No.
-Hi, Courtney.
-Hey, Alan.
-I thought we had an agreement.
-Yeah.
The agreement was Mom doesn't find out.
Courtney?.
Are you okay, dear?.
Oh, I'm fine, Evelyn.
I thought you might be upset about that prenup nonsense.
And I just want you to know, I'm not after your father's money.
I'm sure you're not.
Believe me, I've got plenty of my own money.
Of course, don't tell Alan and Charlie, they're annoying enough as it is.
I won't.
So exactly how rich are you?.
I do all right.
When you marry my grandma, what does that make you to me?.
Nothing.
Sorry, dear.
Oh, that's all right.
I was talking to the kid.
-lsn't that nice?.
-You know, even if we're not related you could still buy me birthday and Christmas presents.
Thanks for the tip.
I don't believe it.
If Mom's got so much money, how come we still get books for Christmas?.
Let it go, Alan.
Whatever money she has most likely has got an ancient curse attached to it.
-What are you doing?.
-l' m here, I figured what the hell?.
-Remember to put the seat back down.
-It's a ladies' room.
Why do they even go up?.
I don't know.
It's a bigger target for broads who want to puke their dinner.
Makes sense.
All right, let's talk about Courtney.
-What do you want me to tell you?.
-Why you're so obsessed with her.
Isn't it obvious?.
She drinks, she smokes, she gambles.
She's me with indoor plumbing.
What are you doing in the ladies' room?.
The men's room was occupied.
Do you have to pee sitting down?.
-No, the seats go up.
-Cool.
Hey, it smells nice in here.
Hey, Courtney.
It's Charlie, your brother.
Anyway, I just wanted to apologize for making a scene there in the restaurant.
I'd still love to get together, so give me a call.
I'm just sitting at home, reading a book.
And watching TV.
Disney Channel, 101 Dalmatians.
What a great film, huh?.
Sat on the remote.
Hey, Apocalypse Now.
Another great movie, huh?.
Anyway, call me.
-Hi, Charlie.
-Rose?.
What the hell are you doing here?.
I could ask you that question.
And the answer would be the same: stalking.
-No.
No, I'm not-- -Good at it?.
-What do you want?.
-Right now or long-term?.
Rose.
I've just been watching you for an hour and 38 minutes, and I felt bad for you.
I thought maybe you could use some help.
Thanks, but I'm fine.
Really?.
Did you bring water?.
No.
Trail mix?.
No.
Pee jar?.
-That would have been a great idea.
-Here you go.
-Thank you.
-Let's see.
What else?.
Night-vision goggles?.
-I don't think so.
-You say that now but if you hide in her trunk and wanna do a little light reading you're gonna be sorry.
-I'm fine.
-Okay.
I'll just keep you company.
Give me one of these if you need to use the pee jar.
Charlie, what the hell are you doing?.
Hey.
Teddy.
How are you?.
Since when do you drive a Volvo?.
It's my brother's car.
Very smart.
She would have spotted your car.
I didn't give you points for that.
I thought you and l had an understanding you and my daughter weren't gonna see each other anymore.
In my defense, we're not really seeing each other.
This is more of a.
Reconnaissance mission.
Who is this?.
This is Rose, she's kind of my.
Sidekick.
I don't wanna beat this to death, but if your mother finds out you and Courtney are seeing each other, and I kept it from her I don't know what she'd do.
Probably call off the wedding.
I'm sorry, Teddy.
I don't want to screw things up.
-Well, then, go home.
-Right.
Nice to meet you, Rose.
Boy, if he was 30 years younger, I'd be following him.
Oh, what the hell.
You were with her, weren't you?.
What are you, my wife?.
No, I'm the wedding planner.
I'm the one who's dealing with caterers and florists and musicians and parking valets and a thousand frozen butterflies.
-Frozen butterflies?.
-Mom wanted butterflies.
What'll she do, eat them?.
No, you thaw them out during the ceremony and when the bride and groom kiss, they fly away.
-ls there still gonna be shrimp?.
-Yes, there's gonna be shrimp.
Good.
I like shrimp.
Charlie, I will not have you ruin this wedding.
Well, you can relax.
I wasn't with Courtney.
Thank God for that.
So where were you?.
Parked outside her apartment.
You were stalking her?.
Oh, man, why does everybody use that word?.
-lt has such a bad connotation.
-Charlie, what is wrong with you?.
-I've never seen you like this before.
-I know, I know.
I can't get her out of my mind.
I go to sleep thinking about her, I wake up thinking about her.
The other day, I stumbled into a three-way-- -How do you stumble into a three-way?.
-It's usually a roommate thing.
You read about sisters, but that almost never happens.
Anyway, in order to get through it I had to fantasize that both of them were Courtney.
-How sad is that?.
-I'm brokenhearted for you.
You know what I think?.
I think the only reason you're obsessed with Courtney is you can't have her.
Well, duh.
-Oh, please tell me you're not calling her.
-Of course not.
Hey, Rose, it's Charlie.
Listen, after you're done with Teddy can you swing by Courtney's and let me know what she's doing?.
Okay, the vows.
Now, I understand you've written your own?.
First I'm hearing about it.
Oh, forgive me, darling.
I took the liberty of writing both of ours.
I come across kind of fruity, don't l?.
Well, you're in love with me.
Love makes everyone a little gay.
Terrific.
Please let that be my butterflies.
Please, please, please.
That kid doesn't need butterflies.
Hi, Courtney.
Come on in.
No, that's okay.
I just need to talk to my father.
-What's up, baby?.
-ls Courtney here?.
Hi, Courtney.
Hi, Charlie.
Dad, it's kind of private.
Can I talk to you outside, please?.
Sure.
Excuse me.
Did you happen to see a frozen-butterfly truck go by?.
-Everything okay?.
-No, no, everything is not okay.
Always good to see you.
-I don't understand why you won't help.
-Damn it, we've been through this.
-I'm not gonna keep bailing you out.
-But, Daddy-- Don't "But, Daddy" me.
Sure makes you feel grateful that the three of us get along so well.
-Am I supposed to live on the street?.
-Live within your means.
You're just gonna turn your back?.
Your own daughter?.
-Oh, don't be such a drama queen.
-Forget it, I'm out of here.
Courtney, don't be like that.
Okay, the butterflies.
Now, Mom, when you kiss Teddy, they're gonna be released on the deck.
But there's a fifty-fifty chance that gulls will swoop down and rip them to shreds.
I'm sorry you heard that.
-Do you want me to talk to her?.
-No, no, leave it alone.
I'll go talk to her.
Would either of you care to explain why he's going to talk to her?.
-No.
-No.
-Hi.
-What are you doing here?.
I was concerned about you.
I thought maybe I could help.
You can't help me.
Try me.
I was looking at the wrong window.
-What?.
-Nice place.
So, what's going on?.
What do you want me to tell you, Charlie?.
I lost my job, I'm about to lose my condo and my father won't lift a finger to help me.
How much do you need?.
Forget it, I can't take your money.
Well, I hadn't actually offered yet.
But we are gonna be family, and family looks after each other.
I need $50,000.
How about if I talk to your dad?.
It's no use.
He's trying to teach me a lesson.
You know, I just love this place so much.
I put every dime I had into it.
Charlie, what am I gonna do?.
You're gonna take the money from me.
No.
No, it wouldn't be right.
I insist.
Really? I promise I'll pay you back.
I know you will.
Thank you.
So much.
No, no, no, that's not why I'm doing this.
I know, I know, but I want you.
I want you too but I don't wanna feel like we're doing this because I lent you money.
Okay, okay.
But soon?.
Definitely soon.
-Good night.
-Night.
Oh, hell, if you're okay with it, I'm okay with it.
""And I promise to honor and cherish you to always be there for you as a trusted friend devoted husband and selfish lover.
"" "Selfless.
" Oh, right, selfless.
""And even though I'm significantly older than you I feel renewed and replenished every time I drink the sweet nectar of your youth.
"" Pick it up, Teddy.
No one can see butterflies in the dark.
""l remember the first time I laid eyes on you at one of the many charity events to which you so tirelessly devote yourself.
You were a vision in Dolce & Gabbana and compassion.
And that first moment we spoke, the simple melody of your voice was testimony to how much the world lost when you gave up a very promising singing career in order to raise your two little boys.
Not that they ever appreciated it.
And the lovemaking what can I say about the lovemaking?.
"" -I can't say this.
-lf you don't, I will.
""As I explored every inch of your firm, non-surgically-enhanced body I finally learned the meaning of the words 'heaven on earth' and 'natural redhead.
' In the words of the Bard: Shall I compare thee to the summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake The darling buds of May Will you marry me? And summer's lease hath all to short a date.
-Really? - Yes.
-So long as men can breathe - Yes.
-Our eyes can see -Really? So long lives this, and gives life to thee.
" You may now kiss the bride.
Do you want me to sweep them up and pop them in the microwave?.
Never mind.
SDl Media Group [ENGLlSH.]