Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s05e17 Episode Script

1 [Popping, speaking gibberish, laughter.]
[Snoring, yawns.]
[Whistling.]
[Chair creaks, mouse clicking.]
[Train whistle blows.]
- Eddie, no more computer! - Whoa.
This knock-off version of "The Sims" is so accurate.
It even sounds like Mom.
Eddie! It's noon and you're still in your pajamas? I was up all night making computer versions of our family.
It took me four hours to get Dad's hair right.
Did you do the laundry like I asked you? I said I'd get to it.
Off the computer now and go do the laundry.
[Sighs.]
[Exhales sharply.]
And go take a shower.
You smell like hot-dog water.
[Sniffs.]
[Sighs.]
[Whomp-whomp, speaking gibberish.]
[Sighs.]
Believe me, little dude I get it.
[Pops, ooh's.]
[Click.]
Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Thanks for letting me borrow your hammer, Louis.
The hardware store near my apartment stopped selling them - after all the murders.
- Mm, no problem, Horace.
Moving into your first apartment is hard work.
Oh, and I, uh, marked it with an "H" for "Huang" so we don't get mixed up.
But "H" is also for "Horace.
" And hammer.
But that "H" is for "Huang.
" I'll bring it back as soon as I'm done decorating my place - the way I want to.
- [Laughs.]
"Oh, oh, you think the Elvira poster is too sexy for my room, Mom? Well, that's too bad, because it's my place!" [Laughs.]
Uh, Elvira? - She's kind of hot.
- Oh.
Okay.
You know, my first apartment was above a saxophone store.
I used to tell people I live on the corner - of Rhythm and Blues.
- [Chuckles.]
Until the mailman told me to stop.
Hey, I should find my old lease and frame it! Man, living alone must be awesome.
I can't wait.
When I have my own place, I'm gonna have a beat-box answering machine.
"Leave a message after the" [Beat-boxing.]
- "beat.
" - Yes! Living alone is great, man.
I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.
I haven't felt this free since I went on Cultural Exchange to Taiwan when I was 16.
Say what now? You know, when you go all over Taiwan with a bunch of other teenagers on a bus? They say it's educational, but the only thing I learned is how to smooch girls with a mouth full of tapioca.
But what about your parents? The best part about Cultural Exchange No parents.
Hey, is it cool if I take this? Thanks, man.
Housewarming gift.
JESSICA: Eddie? I said no more video games.
I need the computer to instant-message with Honey while she's on bed rest.
I already have my topics all picked out.
But Computer Eddie just ordered bottle service.
Who cares? He's a pixel blob! Now, off the computer or no seeing your friends for a week.
Fine.
I'll just play with my "digital friends" instead.
Fine.
I'll just pack you a digital lunch for school tomorrow instead.
"Microsoft Sandwich".
Fine.
I'll just raid the freshmen learning garden.
They don't need that much rosemary.
Okay, you want to use the computer? - Then you can teach Grandma.
- Whoo! What?! You know that's way worse than no computer.
Why can't you just give me a little space? I would love to give you a little space, but parenting you is a full-time job.
Ask Jeeves to look for "Tom Selleck plus shirtless".
[Grunts.]
Who designed this house? The Harlem Globetrotters? - [Grunts.]
- Allow me.
There's that famous volleyball reach I've heard so much about.
Cowboy boots? When did that start? A few weeks ago.
You didn't notice? Oh, of course I did.
[Chuckles.]
Started a few weeks ago.
Well, I'm worried about him, and it's not just the boots.
He's seemed different lately.
Emery? [Scoffs.]
No.
You could set your watch by that kid.
I'm sure it's nothing.
He's probably just parting his hair the opposite way.
He isn't, and I would know.
I'm the one that does his hair.
You do your brother's hair? So? I have the time.
I think he might be going through something and he doesn't know how to tell us.
Well, I'm sure, if it's anything important, he would tell me.
We've been really connecting lately, ever since our Chinese New Year tussle.
We even discovered a mutual love of volleyball.
- Since when do you like volleyball? - Since always.
Spatch! That's a volleyball term.
Okay, if nothing's going on, explain why I found this on his desk.
The Cowboy Palace Saloon? He could've gotten this anywhere.
Besides, the boy has a lot of candles.
Louis! Printer's ink run out.
Tom's chest soaked it up.
I need a new name for Instant Messenger.
Jessica Huang was taken, so I have Jessica-Computer-Name, Chinese-Barbara-Bush, or Deidres-A-Poop-6.
Ooh, tough call.
They're all great.
Anyway, Mother, I was thinking, and you're right How we both need a little space.
In the words of Louis Armstrong, "And I think to myself w-what a dope-ass world.
" I owe it to myself to get out there.
- Uh-huh.
- Which is why I would like your permission to go on the Cultural Exchange trip to Taiwan.
[Laughs.]
[Laughs.]
[Laughing continues.]
What are we laughing about? You! Going on a Cultural Exchange! Wh-What's so funny about that? You can't survive on your own.
I do everything for you.
I wake you up for school, I cook for you, I do your laundry Hey, I did the laundry this time.
Only because I hounded you until you did it.
You're like a little baby bird who sits in front of the computer all day and would die if his beautiful mother bird stopped regurgitating worms into his mouth.
So I'm sorry, but the answer is no.
Every time I think we've gone and turned a corner, you go right back to treating me like I'm a baby! I'm 16 years old.
I can look after myself! I'm going on that trip.
Well, I'll call the program and tell them not to accept you.
As long as you live under my roof, you go by my rules.
Fine.
Then maybe it's time I didn't live under your roof.
Fine! You know where the door is.
Ooh, Orlando State is selling a DNA gene sequencer.
That lab fire is the gift that keeps on giving.
Mm-hmm.
So, uh, Emery, excited about volleyball practice? You know, I was reading that volleyball is the number-one sport amongst nudists.
- What's a nudist? - Uh, doesn't matter.
Everything good with you, though? No, uh, troubles at school or anywhere else, like a roadhouse or a Western-themed speakeasy? Nope! All good.
You know me, Dad.
[Chuckles.]
I do, don't I? [Chuckles.]
Mr.
Volleyball.
Have a good practice, son.
- Bye.
- [Chuckles.]
See? I was right.
Emery is fine.
He's just a good, old-fashioned, cowboy-boot-wearing, volleyball-playing, nudist-ignorant kid.
Uh-huh.
So, have you ever actually seen him play or? [Grunts.]
Uh, hi.
I'm Louis Huang, Emery's dad.
Who? Uh, Louis Huang.
I run the steakhouse off I-4.
The one next to the haunted supermarket.
No, who are you looking for? Uh, Emery Huang.
Oh, the Chinese kid.
Yeah, he quit the team weeks ago.
Sebastian! Get your hair out of your mouth and play volleyball! You need to stop hanging your bras on the clothesline outside.
A bird made a nest in one of the cups.
Well, this is it.
I'm really doing it.
I'm really running away.
Okay.
You're letting him leave? - [Door closes.]
- [Scoffs.]
Please.
He's gonna get hungry and be back in here in 10 minutes.
Then who is that picking him up? Horace? [Printer whirring.]
Oh, here comes Selleck's groin.
[Chuckles.]
Tell me about it, Commander Beefcake.
- [Laugh track.]
- Ha! Oh, Susan! Everything does happen to you very suddenly, doesn't it? Jessica.
Worried? I'm thrilled.
A break from being Eddie's full-time mom? I feel like I'm on one of those fancy white-people cruises where everybody gets diarrhea.
[Scoffs.]
Connie used to do this all the time.
If she didn't get her way, she'd run off and spend the night in a grain silo.
But she always came home.
Trust me.
Eddie is not mature enough to survive in the world without me.
He's probably in a grain silo right now, ruing the day he ever left his comfortable bed.
[Door opens.]
Welcome to Chez Horace.
This is it? How long have you been here? Ah, just a few weeks.
It's really starting to come together.
- [Inhales deeply.]
Hoo.
- Where do you even sleep? My waterbed.
I made it myself.
Go ahead.
Take it for a spin.
Eh, no.
Cool.
I'm gonna use you to solve the puzzle that has plagued scientists for centuries Was Eddie adopted? Stop talking to the gene sequencer and keep an eye out for Emery.
Are you gonna confront him? Just be aware, he spooks easily.
He almost killed Grandma last time she wore a mud mask.
No, I'm not gonna call him out and risk how far we've come since Chinese New Year.
Besides, I'm sure he has a reasonable explanation for why he quit the volleyball team.
There he is! - And he's sweaty? - [Car door opens.]
- Hey.
[Chuckles.]
- Hey.
So, how was practice? Great.
Coach says my spatch game is really coming together.
Horace, don't take this the wrong way, but your apartment blows.
Like, really blows.
Like, I can't believe you left home for this.
What were you thinking? The truth is, I didn't move out.
- My parents kicked me out.
- What? Why didn't you tell me that before? I was embarrassed! And plus I was hoping you would bring some luxury items from your house, like pillows or lamps or toilet paper.
I've been using a sack of rice as a pillow, and now my neck is so jacked up, I think one of my arms is permanently asleep.
Yeah, that's not good.
I can't go back now, let my mom win.
Hey, do you want something to drink? I don't have any glasses yet, but I can rinse out an old bottle of contact lens solution.
I think I'm just gonna turn in.
Okay.
Well, good night, Eddie.
It's good to have you here.
And you can stay as long as you want.
[Sighs.]
I think I made a big mistake.
God, me too, man.
Me, too.
[Typing.]
[Thud in distance.]
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
[Whispering.]
Thank God I knew it.
I knew you couldn't survive out there on your own without me, and I was right.
Come on now.
Get up.
It's after 5:00.
Hey, um can I get a glass of milk? - Oh - What are you doing in my house? To be honest, I just needed a dry bed and something to eat.
I don't have any food [yawning.]
or furniture at my house.
It's, um It's kind of a dump.
What? And you just left Eddie there? No.
He was gone when I woke up.
Gone where? Here, I assume.
Is he not here? Now, about that milk And the coach said you're having a special extra practice so you can watch "Top Gun" as a team? Just the volleyball scenes.
- Oh.
- [Vehicle door opens.]
Have a good practice, Emery.
Thanks.
If that is your real name.
[Exhales.]
And now the stakeout begins.
I brought a bag of disguises.
Are you okay playing a woman? [Quietly.]
Shh, there he is.
Yes.
[Brakes screeching.]
Follow that Huang.
Meet Dr.
Lucas Palindrome, a psychiatrist from Brooklyn, New York.
That's the bar from the matchbook.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Is he really going in there? MAN: Hey.
He quit volleyball so he could underage drink.
What a waste.
What do you say you dress up as Mrs.
Palindrome and we get our pictures taken at the mall? Wait in the car and lock the doors.
Where are you going, Melinda? To rescue my son! Our son! Our son, Melinda! Whoa there, partner.
You can't I own a Western-style steakhouse.
Now get your damn hand off me.
[Indistinct conversations, country music playing.]
[Cheering.]
If we go to the airport, it's a $45 flat fee.
Just so you know.
This is all your fault.
My fault? What did I do? You lost him! If he's not huddled up in your crack den like a fetal mouse, he could be anywhere.
No offense, but you lost him first.
Okay, we're here.
Hey, if you see anybody with a hammer, run! Oh, hey, man.
I just went down to the Goodwill and picked up some Oh, my God, Eddie, you're thriving! Hey, if either of you lost a tooth, it's in the stairwell.
EDDIE: Mom? What are you doing here? I was worried you forgot to bring clean underwear.
Knowing you, you probably left home without packing any spares.
For your information, I packed eight pairs.
That way, I can do laundry on Sunday and not have to wear my swimsuit as underwear.
We all know that mesh never recovers.
You figured it out.
I love what you've done to this place, man.
I mean, it's not really my style, but it works.
Eddie did this? By himself? I told you I can take care of myself, Mom.
When are you gonna start believing me? Fine.
We'll talk about it on the way home.
No, we won't.
I'm going to the store to buy olive oil for the bruschetta I'm making for tonight's dinner.
Horace only owns massage oil.
- You went through my nightstand? - You mean the Mervyn's bag hanging on the bathroom door handle? I thought that was trash.
Stay out of my stuff, man.
[Sighs.]
[Country music plays.]
[Cheering.]
Dad? What are you doing here? What are you doing here? In a bar? And why did you quit volleyball? Because I hate volleyball.
But you said you loved it.
I did at the beginning.
And then I didn't.
But by the time I figured that out, you'd already gone and made it "our thing".
All of a sudden, you were Mr.
Volleyball.
No, I wasn't.
You drove me to Tampa so I could get my volleyball signed by former Olympic bronze medalist Yoko Zetterlund.
Like I even know who that is! You said that was one of the top five moments of your life.
Well, I lied! [Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart" plays.]
Look, this is my song.
I gotta go.
I'll see you at home.
You can tell the world you never was my girl I am a terrible mother.
No, you're not.
You just pushed too hard.
Being a mom is tough, - and nobody's perfect.
- [Sighs.]
- God knows my mom isn't.
- I know your mom.
I bet she was real tough on you.
Oh, no, she gave me everything I wanted, never yelled at me, let me eat ice cream for breakfast and dinner.
So your mom made you into the person you are today? Without her constant love and support, I think I would've turned out pretty different.
Mm, I bet you would have.
[Water squirting.]
Thank you, Horace.
This has been very helpful.
Do you have a piece of paper? I want to write Eddie a note.
No, but you want to scratch on the wall? That's what I do.
Don't tell my heart My achy breaky heart - I just don't think he'd understand - Mind if I cut in, amigo? Dad, what are you doing? You don't know any of the steps.
I'm the former Cha Cha King of Taipei.
I don't need the steps.
He might blow up and kill this man, ooh Sorry if I made a big deal out of you playing volleyball.
I'm sorry I lied about it.
I know you love it.
- Well - You don't love it? I was pretending to love it 'cause I thought you loved it.
I was trying to connect with you.
So you don't know who Yoko Zetterlund is, either.
Nobody does, son.
You can tell your ma I moved to Arkansas You didn't have to hide this from me.
If you want to be a professional line dancer, your mom and I will support you.
Relax, Dad.
I don't.
Oh, thank God.
Your mother would've murdered us both.
[Cheering.]
Line dancing is fun and everything, but the truth is, everyone treats me like I've got it all figured out, but I don't.
So I'm trying out different Emerys, - and that's hard to do when you - Spatch your spike? I don't know what that means.
[Huffs.]
Neither do I.
I guess I can come on a little strong sometimes.
I just want to make sure I'm there for you.
- Mind if I cut i - Back off, Shania.
I'm talking to my son.
I love that you're trying to connect with me, but it adds a lot of pressure.
I just need some space sometimes.
I get it.
And I'll be here when you need me.
He might blow up and kill this man [Applause.]
Leroy, you fix a mean Shirley Temple.
Mom, where's Dad? Horace said he was attacked by a bunch of bees! Your dad's fine.
That was just a clever ploy to get you home.
[Sighs.]
There's something I want to tell you.
What? You're right and I'm wrong? I've heard it before.
No.
I was scared I'd pushed you away.
But after talking to Horace, I realized I hadn't.
I pushed you out.
Ew.
Gross, Mom.
Ew, not like that! Pushed you out of the nest.
Which is my job as your mom.
And as usual, I was too good at it, and now you're ready early.
So you're welcome.
Thank you.
Wait, for what? Well, you could've had Horace's mom A nice mom who gives you hugs and lets you eat ice cream for dinner.
But instead, you got me, and because of that, you know how to take care of yourself.
I'm sorry I ran away.
If it's any consolation, Horace's apartment sucked.
Everything was covered in cat hair, and he doesn't even own a cat.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I need you to move the computer into my room.
What?! But you don't even use it! [Sighs.]
I guess I'll have to learn.
We'll have to keep in touch somehow, right? Wait so I can go on the Cultural Exchange to Taiwan? [Sighs.]
Fine.
Hey, this will be nice for me, too.
I look forward to being bumped down to part-time mom.
So, what are you gonna do with all your free time? Oh, I'm sure I'll find someone else to boss around.
Mom?! It's 3:00 in the morning.
[Fans swishing.]
I have a problem.
[Vacuuming.]
[Sighs.]
JESSICA: You'll stop cleaning when I tell you to stop cleaning, Robot Louis! - That's my favorite game.
- Pretty cool, right? Hey, wait.
Where's grandma? Oh, she's around.