Hot In Cleveland s05e17 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Hello my lovelies.
Oh, you are looking happy these days.
It's Mitch.
We're supposed to be working upstairs, but I just can't keep my hands off him.
He must look so tiny in those hands.
Now, he's a bit shy about it.
So I promised him I wouldn't tell you we were having sex.
The story is we were taking a nap.
Oh boy, I gotta tell you.
There is nothing better than hitting the old sack.
She has a name.
Well, we better get to work.
We have to catch a cheating husband in the act.
Mm-hmm, I'm the honey trap.
Guess that sounds a bit seedy.
No, it sounds so exciting.
It's like you guys are the real-life Hart to Hart or Remington Steele or Moonlighting.
I just love all those shows.
Well, I don't exactly love watching Joy seduce another man.
Well, it's uncomfortable for me too, knowing you're watching.
I can do it.
I could be the honey trap.
Well, the thought of you demeaning yourself instead of Joy is appealing to me.
I wouldn't care what happened to you.
Oh, Mitch.
Meet us at the bar at 8:00.
Wear something demeaning.
Okay, you got it.
I have the most puzzling note on my calendar today.
"Tony arrives.
" Was I in a Broadway smash and I'm blanking it out? Tony's your son.
The one you always forget.
Oh, of course.
Oh, dear, wonderful Tony.
Oh, you know, I don't mean to forget him.
It's just that, well, he chose to live with his father after the divorce, and it's been hard keeping in touch.
He's such an artistic, exuberant, fashion-forward boy.
You can say, "gay.
" Elka, that is total midwestern stereotyping.
But yeah, he's gay.
Gayer than the Tonys, which I guess I didn't win.
Wish I had a gay son.
Straight sons will always leave you for a younger woman.
Yeah, it is fabulous.
Oh, that boy could tie an Hermes scarf before he could walk.
Oh, my God! It's my gorgeous Tony.
Oh, my God, it's my gorgeous sister.
Saying the word "mother" always cost us a dollar at our house.
You remember Melanie.
- Melanie - Hi, sweetie.
As beautiful as ever.
This is Elka.
It can't be.
You said you were living with an older woman.
Who's this breath of spring? I want one.
Oh, mom, I hope you don't mind, but I brought someone with me.
I'm Justin, Tony's partner.
Oh, well, nice to meet you, Tony's partner.
How long have you two been together? About six months now.
Right, dude? Right.
Where can I put our stuff? The guest room is just down the hall.
Let's celebrate.
I'll get champagne.
Oh, Tony, Victoria's just so proud of you.
We were just saying we're jealous that we don't have gay sons.
Yeah, there's just one problem.
What? I'm not gay.
Tony, what do you mean you're not gay? Look, when I was little, my mom just assumed that I was gay.
And I knew it would kill her if I told her the truth.
It was easy to pretend because I've always been interested in fashion and theater.
You know, I know how to dress, how to pick out a good bottle of wine.
What can I say? I'm Fraser straight.
Maybe more like Niles Straight.
Tony? The only cheese I could find is Gruyere.
Well, Gruyere is an assertive cheese with a mischievous, bloomy rind.
Just drizzle some honey, add a soupcon of crushed walnuts, and as sure as there's a "z" in Liza, your bouche will be amused.
It's exhausting.
Honey, I don't understand.
What about Justin, your partner? He's my business partner.
We're software engineers.
We came to Cleveland to persuade my mom to invest in a new app we're developing.
Oh, well, does anyone else know you're not gay? Everyone knows.
I just have to come out to my mom.
Maybe that might be "come in.
" In, out Either way, she's gonna be devastated.
Will you keep my secret until I can find the right time to break it to her? Yeah.
Ooh, can I tell Joy? Does aunt Joy still get talky when she drinks? Do the Indians always collapse in July? They're in a tough division.
Hot damn! You are straight.
Tony, I think you should tell your mother the truth as soon as possible.
It's always best to stop pretending and be honest.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I got to go trick a man into liking me and break up his marriage.
Uh, bro? There's only one bed in the guest room.
Yeah, Justin, I forgot tell you something.
Uh, my mom is a little confused, and the truth might upset her.
Would you mind just playing along until I get a chance to clear it up? Look, dude, I'm down with whatever it takes to get your mom to invest in our company.
What do I have to do? All right, I want to hear everything.
Now how long have you two been lovers? Is that the correct term for what you are? I want to be gay accurate.
Lovers is good.
Oh, yeah, I couldn't be gayer for dudes.
Mitch, stop.
We need to work.
Okay, I'm here.
Ooh.
Good, we can see you on our feed.
Oh, my God, he just walked in.
Somebody is about to get honey-trapped.
Beer, please.
Hi.
Well, hello, beautiful.
Those are some killer shoes.
I know, aren't they fabulous? I got 'em at Macy's.
They have all the best brands.
This other woman wanted them, but here's the interesting part Melanie, focus.
But I thank you, sir.
Notice something about him.
So, I, um, I see by that tan line you recently had a ring on that finger.
Busted.
Yeah, I'm married.
Is that a problem for you? No, no, I love cheaters.
My ex-husband was a cheater.
That bastard.
I mean that, uh You know? Amazing, sexy bastard.
You're kind of a weird chick, aren't you? I like that.
Well, I like you, too.
Nothing more exciting is there? That new attraction? When all you can think about is kissing the other person.
I bet you felt that way about your wife once, too.
She's terrible.
Yeah, I guess in You know in the beginning.
Did you ever try couples counseling? Yeah, yeah.
And all they said was we should've come in sooner.
Said couples would be a lot happier if they learned how to deal with their problems before they even came up.
Melanie, be sexier.
So, a good-looking guy like you You must have kids.
Two.
Six and nine.
Ooh I bet it's really close to their Bedtime.
Yeah, I guess it is.
I bet you just love tucking them in, reading to them.
They grow up so fast.
They do.
I'm gonna go home and see them.
Nice talking to you.
I think that went pretty well.
So, it's kind of interesting what the cheater said.
Do you think we should see a therapist now before trouble starts? Maybe.
You know, when I was having problems with my ex-wife I gained 100 pounds in like six months.
Oh, my God.
I'll make the appointment.
Can you believe how bad Melanie was? She's just not sexy, honey-trap material.
It's a little embarrassing to remember how smitten I was with her.
You turned the microphone off, right? No.
No, he did not.
Oh, mom.
Uh, I I have something I need to tell you.
It's kind of big and it It might come off as a bit of a shock.
Oh, God, please don't tell me I can't pull off sleeveless dresses anymore.
Oh, no, honey.
You got arms like an Egyptian priestess.
No, um, it It's about me.
You and Justin? Uh, yes.
Oh, he is very handsome.
Uh-uh, yes, he is.
You know, I was a little surprised to see you with a redhead, but in any event, you'll have beautiful Vietnamese children.
Oh, mom.
I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself.
Oh, you're right.
I mean, you're not even married yet.
Please tell me you're gonna get married.
You know, we've been apart for so long, and I haven't been able to do anything for you, but if I could throw you a big wedding, oh, nothing would make me happier.
Is that what you were gonna say? Say, "yes.
" I have a major announcement to make.
My son is getting married.
Dude, congratulations.
To who? To you, silly.
Oh.
He's so forgetful, he forgot he proposed.
I did.
But now I remember.
It's all happening so fast.
I haven't quite processed it yet.
For a wedding gift, I am going to buy you matching Porsches.
Mom! It's great that you decided to seek guidance early.
Well, we've both seen our fair share of bad relationships yes, and we're both detectives, so we have a tendency towards suspicion, even though the two of us are soul mates.
Uh-oh.
When you say, "soul mates," that's a red flag.
After all, relationships aren't fairy tales.
But I rather like fairy tales.
Fairy tales are for children.
Now, tell me what you know about each other.
Lots of things.
We both like wine and sex and and when we combine the two, it's fantastic.
But what about deeper issues? Well, to be honest, if I need to know anything deeper, I'll just wait till he falls asleep and snoop through his computer.
- You do that, too? - Yes.
Aw.
Ah, see? Soul mates.
How do you two handle conflict? Oh, we never fight.
And we never will.
Okay, but lack of conflict is one of the biggest red flags of all.
Here's a compatibility quiz.
It's designed to determine if you two are emotionally suited for the long run.
Sounds fun.
Sounds like homework.
Wonderful.
A little conflict.
We're off to a great start.
You're safe.
Victoria's not here.
Oh, thank God.
She is driving me crazy with all these wedding plans.
You saw the matching sailor outfits? What? Oh, nothing.
I just can't keep pretending to be gay.
Back in my day, all men were straight.
Even the men who slept with other men.
Do you think I should tell her? You're here, you're not queer, she'll get used to it.
Okay, I'll tell her.
Oh, there you are, darling.
Look what I found for the top of your wedding cake.
Ah.
It's you and Justin.
And if you press that button, it plays the theme song from Will & Grace.
Planning this wedding has made me feel closer to you than ever.
Oh, God, I can't tell her.
I was hoping we'd run into each other again.
Me, too.
But could we not talk about my kids this time? How about you buy me a drink and we'll just talk about us? Good, she's following our script.
Well, we've got some time.
Let's go over our compatibility quiz.
I got "a, c, d, b, b, d, a, c, d.
" So what's our compatibility score? Zero.
Zero? Well, I'm not worried.
I still feel good about our relationship.
Me, too.
I'm not worried either.
Good.
Do you realize you just ate an entire doughnut? I don't think so.
So, maybe we should check in on Melanie.
The seduction should be well underway by now.
So, tell me what you're gonna do.
I'm gonna go home, tell my wife I love her, and work on our relationship.
You do that, big boy.
What do you mean you don't want me to work on cases anymore? Why? Because you are the worst honey trap ever.
Elka could do a better job.
You couldn't afford me.
Well, the good news is now you can help me plan Tony's wedding.
Yeah, Victoria, about the wedding.
If Tony weren't gay, you would still love him, right? But he is gay.
Imagine he wasn't.
I will do no such thing.
It well, I had no idea you had a problem with this.
No, it That's not a problem.
I just I don't think this wedding is right.
Wow.
Much has been learned about Melanie this week.
She can't seduce strangers, and she's more than a little homophobic.
Well, I don't think anyone's going to need to be planning my wedding anytime soon.
Mitch and I got a big, fat zero on our compatibility test.
Don't you mean a big, flat zero? Now I'm afraid he's doubting our relationship.
But I don't know how to get him to admit it.
Well, you have to find out the truth.
You're right.
Somehow, someway, I have to find out the truth.
Mitch? I want to ask you something, and I need you to be honest with me.
Are you doubting our relationship? Honestly? I am sort of doubting it.
I'm also doubting that I can keep from staring at that woman's breasts over there.
Why did I just tell you that? Because I put truth serum in your coffee.
Wait, why did I just tell you that? Because I put truth serum in your coffee.
You drugged each other? Yes, but with good reason.
We didn't trust each other enough to tell the truth.
It was just a little sodium pentothal.
Surely other couples with zeros on their compatibility tests went on to have long and happy relationships, right? Yes, but not with each other.
Based on your quiz results, you should be asking yourself, should you really be together? I'm not sure.
Me either.
See? It's good you guys came to me early.
So who wants to be the first to toast the happy couple? Melanie? I'm sorry, Victoria, I just I don't feel comfortable doing that.
Oh, that's right.
You're a raging homophobe.
Elka, how about you? Oh, Tony knows how I feel.
Well, once again, I have to save the day.
Tony, Justin, I am so proud and happy.
I just want to share this with the world.
Friends, fans, fellow diners, I have an announcement so major I am fairly bursting.
My gay son Tony is getting married.
Now I know that that may come as a shock to some of you here in the backward province of Cleveland.
No, it doesn't.
We're fine with it.
Well, look at me, changing hearts and minds.
Champagne for everyone.
Oh, they want you to kiss.
Two seconds, no tongue.
I want my Porsche.
Mom, I'm sorry! I can't go through with this wedding.
Why not? What did I do? I can change.
So, uh When did you realize you were straight? Hm, I guess a part of me always knew.
Maybe a part of me always knew too.
Wow I have a non-gay son.
I guess I'm just going to have to get used to telling people that my son likes Women.
Well, not women.
A woman.
I have this gorgeous girlfriend and All right, no details, I'm not there yet.
I know it's a lot to process.
Yeah.
Well, now that we're being totally honest with each other, um Did you choose to live with your father because you thought I couldn't accept your being straight? No, I chose dad because he needed me more.
And even though it's probably not healthy for a kid to take care of his parent, that's what I did.
You were stronger.
Oh, my sweet boy.
Well, why didn't you keep in touch? 'Cause I knew if I did, I'd want to leave dad and come live with you.
I was avoiding the hurt.
Sometimes I would pretend you didn't even exist.
Oh, I did the same thing.
- Really? - Yeah.
Ah, so we're equally horrible.
Yeah, we are.
Oh, I love you, sweetie.
I love you too, mom.
That'll cost you a dollar.
- Mitch? - Joy? What are you doing here? I don't trust this doctor.
I'm here to dig up some dirt on him.
- Me, too.
- You see? It's our mutual distrust of people that always made me think we were compatible.
Me, too.
Shall we? Oh, my God.
That compatibility test he gave us? Got it off Buzzfeed.
This is no different than those silly "what Disney character are you?" quizzes.
I love those.
Who did you get? Jasmine.
Aladdin.
Do you know what this means? Yes.
We're a match, and he's a fraud.
Oh, Mitch, I don't care about reality.
I want our fairy tale relationship.
I do, too.
What's going on in here? What would you say if we said we broke in and found out what a fraud you are? I'd say I was calling the police.
Huh.
Well, what would you say if we said that we're gonna tell all your other patients where you get your quizzes? I'd say Lock up when you're finished.
You two deserve each other.
- We do.
- We do.