Parks and Recreation s05e17 Episode Script

I'm looking for Ronald Ulysses Swanson? He stepped out.
Can I take a message? Sure.
Tell him he just won a free dinner from St.
Elmo steak house.
I'm Ron Swanson! You've been served.
Have a nice day.
I don't like you.
But I respect the effort.
Oh, man, subpoena? Which ex-wife is it, Tammy one or Tammy two? Neither.
Apparently councilman Jeremy Jamm is not pleased that I punched him in the face on the night of Leslie's wedding.
He's suing me.
$13,000 for orthodontic surgery, $6,000 for enamel repair, and $46 million for psychological damages.
Yeah, that seems about accurate.
That guy is the worst.
We should sue Jamm's parents for spawning a human turdburger.
Ron, hey, let me be your lawyer.
I'll object to everything anyone says, trial will go on forever, you don't have to pay.
Problem solved.
That's a kind offer, Andrew, but I won't be hiring an attorney.
I'll represent myself, as I do in all legal matters and livestock auctions.
I wish we had $46 million.
We could buy my parents' house and evict them.
Surprised he's taking it this well.
Aghh! April, could you call maintenance please? Parks and Recreation S05E17 Partridge Okay, move a little bit to your left and then turn to the side.
Okay, and freeze.
That is the exact spot where an 18-year-old Ben Wyatt was inaugurated as mayor of Partridge, Minnesota.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
Yes, congratulations to you.
- I don't know.
- I have chills.
Can't believe they're finally giving me the key to the city.
I can't believe it took so long.
They gave the key to every other mayor in the town's history, and I guarantee that none of them had as cute a butt as you do.
And none of them caused the city's unemployment rate to hit 30%.
You're so sexy when you talk about percentages.
When Ben was mayor, he sunk all of the town's money into a winter sports complex called "Ice Town," and they went bankrupt.
Now they've invited him back as a gesture of goodwill, and he'll finally get some closure on this miserable chapter in his life.
Yay, Ben! Town hero! - Yes! - Whoo! Well, if it isn't the defendant, Ron Swansuck.
Why are you doing this, Jamm? This lawsuit is Chronicles of Riddick-ulous.
I'll tell you why.
It's 'cause I'm sick of this whole Parks and Rec gang.
That's why.
This munch throws me into a swimming pool.
The nurse still won't have sex with me, and she's not even queer.
Now Swansuck punches me in the mouth.
It's what we in the Jamm family call "Payback time.
" Everyone calls it that.
Yeah, because I invented it.
Yeah, you're not gonna win $50 million, you freak.
Maybe not, but I'm not not going to win nothing.
Paul.
That guy is a joke.
This lawsuit is definitely getting thrown out.
I don't know, those are Jean-Ralphio's lawyers.
They once got him $60,000 'cause he got too scared at a haunted house.
Okay, are you done? Are we done? Did we win? - You can't win this.
- You can win at anything.
Last year I won an organic gardening contest.
Who were you competing against? My own taste buds.
I wanna have a baby, and Chris has agreed to be the father.
My fertility counselor showed me this online quiz that determines whether we'd be compatible parents.
If this were the '80s, all we'd have to do is, like, not drop an egg for a whole day.
Stupid Internet.
Okay, our official co-parenting score is Not amazing.
Oh, I think it's fantastic.
I think it's literally the best score we could have hoped for.
- Not sure that that's true.
- Oh, snap! I just filled it out for fun.
Chris and I are 81% compatible.
You wanna make a baby, traeger? Your hair, my everything else.
That kid would be unstoppable.
Guys, I couldn't resist.
I did it too.
Ann and I got 84%.
- Well, this sucks.
- Yes, we did not win.
So was, like, Ben a bossy older brother? Did he make you watch star war movies? Make me? I loved those movies just as much as he did.
That's so cute.
Oh, you do a lot of hugging.
Yeah, get used to it.
We're sisters now.
Benji, I'm really glad you came back for this.
A lot of jerks around here didn't think you'd show up.
Well, I wasn't sure, but Leslie gave me the extra push, and I figured it'd be nice to put the ice town thing behind me once and for all.
Now that you're both here, let's get started.
Just have a few questions.
- You have a binder? - That's right.
Who were Ben's high school girlfriends, and what base do you think he got to? - Um - What's that? And what exactly did you witness? Defendant, alias Ron Swanson, alias my boss, used appropriate force to prevent further damage to the wedding of Leslie Knope, alias my other boss.
You sound as if you have a special interest in law enforcement.
Yes, sir.
In fact, at the time, I was trying to become a police officer but was deemed unfit for the force.
And what happened? Don't know.
Well, I pooched the brain exam.
Just to be safe, I wouldn't take anything I say too seriously.
Next witness, your honor.
Ms.
Ludgate, have you ever heard Mr.
Swanson threaten to hurt councilman Jamm? Ronny? Are you kidding me? I've never heard him threaten to hurt anyone or anything.
The guy's, like, a vegetarian.
Look at him, he's like a big, old, soft teddy bear.
His nickname around the office is "Softy-Pants McHuggable.
" Did you ever hear Mr.
Swanson say he intended to injure councilman Jamm before the day of the wedding? The answer is a flat "no.
" Ron doesn't really pay much attention to other people.
I doubt he even knew you existed.
Also, may I say for the record, that is a dope pocket square.
Can I see that bad boy? Tom and April were excellent witnesses in my defense.
Unfortunately, every single word out of their mouths was a lie.
There's only one thing I hate more than lying.
Skim milk.
Which is water that's lying about being milk.
Despite everything that happened 20 years ago, this will always be my hometown.
Are you crying again? It's just every time you say that speech, I think about where you've been and where you're going and our future children and America and just our history as a nation.
Wow, I didn't think about all that, but I thought it was good.
- Thanks, Steph.
Ah, I'm feeling sweaty.
Do I look swe-- I feel--oh, I need to use the bathroom one more time.
That's, like, five times in an hour.
Well, somebody's nervous about the ceremony.
I don't blame him.
He didn't exactly leave Partridge as the most popular guy in town.
Ben? Oh, my God.
Are you okay? I think I'm giving birth.
Is that possible? No, right? - No, no, no, no.
- Oh, God! I'll call an ambulance.
Oh, God! It's twins! - I'm having twins! - Oh! Okay.
- Kidney stone? - Big sucker too.
We're gonna have to keep him here until it passes.
Leslie and Dr.
Clipperton Wow, man, I'm so glad you guys are meeting.
It's like worlds collide.
You know, I love it.
I want candy.
What is he on? Morphine.
It's good stuff.
Leslie, come here.
Do you have any idea how beautiful you are? I'm serious.
You're like a flower.
Or, no, like a snug-bug or like a snugger-doodle or something like that.
We should just go for it, you know? Life.
We have a ceremony we need to be at in two hours.
Is there anything that we can do? Sorry, Ice Town, you're not going anywhere for at least a day.
Okay, well, I'll call mayor Stice, and we'll reschedule the ceremony.
No, this town expects me to wuss out.
I'm making that speech, and I'm simply gonna explain to the crowd that love is everywhere and they have to surrender to the flow of the universe, you know? Price Is Right is on, I think.
Oh, you remember staying home sick from school watching the price is right? Oh, God.
Look, I know that this is just a silly quiz, but it is so discouraging to do so poorly.
Well, look, this is not the only way to see if we would be good parents.
I know it's a little lame, but I bought a dozen eggs at the grocery store, and I thought we could do that thing where we pretend the egg is a kid for a day.
That's a great idea! I don't see them.
Oh, my God.
- I left them at the grocery store.
- Oh, boy.
I bought 12 babies, and then I immediately abandoned them at a Kroger's.
Look, we can use anything as a baby.
I mean, we could use this mug.
I don't understand.
I was great.
I was like Mark Z in The Social "N.
" My testimony was amazing for your case.
But it wasn't the truth.
And neither was yours.
You even called me a vegetarian.
What if that testimony leaks? How will people ever respect me? Ugh, whatever.
The truth is stupid.
I only tell the truth when it makes me sound like I'm lying.
Yeah, lying is all I know.
It's how I was able to scrape by on the streets of Bombay and make it on the Indian version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire and get reunited with the love of my life, Latika.
You could both take a lesson from Andrew.
He told the truth about everything he was asked, even when it was humiliating for him.
That's right.
I love telling the truth.
Case in point, sometimes when I blow my nose, I get a boner.
I don't know why.
It just happens.
Truth bomb.
I'm gonna call you both back in that room, and you'll recant your testimony.
- No! - You committed perjury.
But more importantly, you've dishonored yourselves.
Oh, brother.
They are so young.
So much to learn.
- What are you talking about? - I know, right? Wisdom.
Sick? Do you really expect me to believe that? What has he got, acute wimping out? No, he has kidney stones.
We have proof.
Yeah, I took a video of him at the hospital an hour ago.
I feel like I never gave miles Davis proper shrift.
Like, I just didn't get into it.
But the good news is I'm here to accept the key on his behalf.
Boy, it's just a real shame it had to happen today of all days.
Damn it! Excuse me.
Hi.
Everything okay? You want me to come back to the hospital? Pfft, nah.
I'm goodie goodie.
You just do your thing, baby smurf.
I mean, I wish you were here.
It seems pretty fun and festive.
Town mascot is here.
Fred the Sled? They only bring him out for special occasions.
I can't believe they're doing all this for me.
The universe is love.
Okay, stay away from sharp things.
Well, well, well, heard you want to recant your earlier statements.
Yes, I misremembered some things.
I did in fact hear Ron Swanson say he intended to injure Jeremy Jamm.
Boom, knew it.
- Tell us about it, please.
- Which time? Well, how many were there? Well Yeah, we did a trade.
I gave his wife new enamels, he gave my wife new yabbos.
Who's that gentleman? Jeremy Jamm, city councilman.
- You don't know him? - Never met him.
He looks like he could use a swift punch in the face though.
Yes! And then before he can say anything, I just run over, shove him into the pool.
Bully for you.
If it were me, I would have just punched him in the face.
What's up, Ron? Just daydreaming about punching Jamm in the face.
And there were a few other times too.
- We get the picture, son.
- Hold on.
We need your full, truthful testimony on record.
Keep going, Tom.
But now, 20 years later, the city has finally healed from the festering wound of Ice Town.
Today we put those horribly painful memories behind us as we welcome back the mayor who made all of that possible, Ben Wyatt.
Oh, that's a typo.
That's a major typo.
That says "Ice Clown.
" I'm just realizing now that's not a typo.
Hey, aren't you his sister? I gotta get outta here.
Good luck, Leslie.
Here to accept the key to the city of Partridge, because Mr.
Wyatt is conveniently ill, is his wife Leslie Knope.
And it's water.
Uhoh, the key was made of ice.
And much like the hopes and dreams of the people of Partridge, it melted away.
Again, this would all be way more satisfying if Ben was here.
Okay, excuse me.
I would like to point out that we drove all the way here from Pawnee, Indiana, a city with some class, by the way.
And, sure, my husband made an honest mistake 20 years ago.
But it was very meaningful that you were gonna finally - Hi, Leslie.
- Be able to forgive him.
If it's so meaningful to him, then where is he? He's in the hospital, sir.
He has a calcified rock lodged in his penis! Frankly, Ben Wyatt is the best thing to ever come out of this crap town.
Oh, yeah? What about Judy Garland? Judy Garland's from Partridge? She lived here for a while.
And Lee Janzen.
Who's Lee Janzen? He's a golfer.
He's pretty good.
Well, Ben Wyatt's better than Lee Janzen, and he's better than Judy Garland.
That's crazy.
Judy Garland's amazing.
But Ben Wyatt is better than all of you because he cared about this town, and he tried to help it.
You know, screw you, Partridge.
And a sled is a stupid mascot.
Thank you, Ms.
Ludgate.
It is now quite clear that on innumerable occasions Ron Swanson said he intended to punch councilman Jamm in the face, and then he did.
Yeah, but who cares? He says a lot of things.
He's always talking about overthrowing the government, but he never does that.
Well, that'll make a nice pull quote for the article about me taking you to the cleaners.
Mr.
Swanson, if you'd like to make a statement, you may.
On the night I punched councilman Jamm in the face, I warned him several times to back off.
And instead, he attacked me twice.
Truthfully, I barely registered his attack.
He's incredibly frail, and his arms are weak.
And when I punched him, he dropped so quickly, I thought he was diving towards the ground.
I regret nothing.
The end.
Well, this turned out better than I ever imagined.
You got Jammed by your own team.
Self-Jamm! I'll see you in court, Swanson, and, uh, bring your checkbook.
I would like to punch you in the face again.
Okay, Paul, let's go.
I'm glad you're feeling better.
Well, get your normal conversation in with me while you can.
Got about 20 minutes before I get all loopy again.
Mm, let me see the key.
Oh, uh, they took it back.
They wanted to get it engraved.
Huh.
You know, the key is just a metaphor.
I mean, the real key has been inside you all along.
It was a setup, wasn't it? They were gonna make fun of me? Yes.
Ice Town was a debacle.
They'll never get over it.
Just don't know why I got my hopes up.
It's so unfair.
You worked so hard.
You've done so many great things.
And for your hometown to treat you this way is just-- You know what, screw this.
We're gonna make one more stop before we leave.
Tuck in your shirt.
We're going to city hall.
So, Dr.
Van Dyne, we took the compatibility test that you recommended, and we didn't do amazing.
But I'm sure that happens with a lot of couples, right? And it's not like we failed.
We got a 58%, which as I'm saying it, sounds very clearly like we failed.
Look, there are many ways to judge compatibility.
Okay, you know what, let's do a little exercise.
I'm gonna say something about your future child, and then you just say the first thing that pops into your mind.
Okay? Gender.
- Girl.
- Boy.
Okay.
Religion.
- Buddhist.
- Whatever he wants.
Whatever he wants.
Um, how 'bout occupation? - Teacher.
- Sixtime tour de France champion.
Really? Okay, I'm sorry, are you guys complete strangers? Is this one of those craigslist father situations? No, no, no.
We actually know each other quite well.
Yeah, we used to date actually, but it didn't work out because we had some compatibility issues.
You know what, why don't we just try one more compatibility test? - Great, let's do it! - No, let's not.
Okay, well, we all told the truth, and Jamm's definitely going to win.
What do we do now? I intend to do as the court orders.
Do you know if one can pay court-ordered settlements in gold? All of my money's in gold.
I also have some money in palladium.
What if it's a huge amount? Are you gonna be okay financially? I think so.
I'm actually not sure how much money I have.
But I do know how many pounds of money I have.
Whoa, whoa, that is awesome.
Yes, it is, and I'm definitely tweeting that to Drake to use in his next rhymes, but still I kinda feel like this is our fault.
Ugh, do we have to do something nice now? Let me start by apologizing, mayor Stice.
I had no right to disparage your town.
Well, I owe you guys an apology too.
I, uh, had a little bad publicity lately, and frankly, it's still really easy to score points by bashing Wyatt.
Can't you just give Ben a key to the city, here, now, in your office, where no one will know your shame? - Sorry, babe.
- No worries.
I love you.
Aw.
You know, if people found out I gave Wyatt the key to the city, I would never get re-elected.
So no.
What are you doing there, Wyatt? I'm feeding your eagle.
He's starving.
It's it's bronze, babe.
- Why? - The eagle-- We should go.
- Yeah.
Ann Perkins.
I know it didn't seem to go very well at the counselor's.
But I have found a new quiz, and I think we should take it.
Are you sure? Everything we do makes it seem like it's a bad idea for us to have a kid together.
Maybe we shouldn't even be friends.
Take a look.
"Will you love our child and work hard to see that he or she has a good life?" You see, I think that's the only question that matters.
All the rest of it is details.
Yes.
The answer is yes.
I said the exact same thing.
We're 100% on the same page.
Are you sure about this? You are caring, intelligent, and reliable.
And I am certain that you will literally be the world's best mom.
Wow.
This is really happening.
- You know there's nothing in there yet, right? - Yes, sorry.
No, I was with Johnny Cougar Mellencamp at that music fest.
We both thought, biggest yabbos we've ever seen in-- What the hell? That was important.
Game's over, councilman.
Drop the suit.
And why exactly would I do that? We took a look at your affidavit.
We cross-referenced it with telephone records and eyewitness accounts, and, uh-oh, we found 11 lies.
Lying under oath is called perjury, and they should know, they did it yesterday.
Well, I mean, maybe I accidentally said something that wasn't-- Let me see that.
Ow! My wrist! You twisted my arm like a maniac! - Oh, no! - You monster.
Ow! You assaulted me, and I'm injured! Oh, my God, Tom, are you okay? All right, you know what, I see what you're doing.
I barely touched you.
That's not what I saw.
My face! Is my face still there? What happened to my knees? Someone please tell me if Tom is okay.
- Jamm, I'm gonna sue you.
- Okay, fine.
Hey, listen, keep your mouths shut about the affidavit, I'll drop the suit, okay? Hurry, Tom, let's get you into surgery! Yeah.
Yeah, it's me.
We got Jammed.
My friend Jack and I used to fish this lake in the summer.
One time, our boat almost tipped over, but then it didn't.
That's not a great story.
Yeah, I had a pretty uneventful childhood.
I got you something.
- No way.
- Yeah.
Where did you get that? I stole it from mayor Stice's office.
Screw that guy.
You should have it.
You're the best wife in the world.
But I don't want this.
Really? Yeah, I mean, I love Partridge, but I have Pawnee now.
And I have you.
Well, I'm not giving it back to Stice.
- That guy sucks.
- Yeah.
Well, you know what then? Hey, lake's not a garbage can, pal.
Yeah, sorry, it was symbolic.
Is that Ben Wyatt? Get the hell out of here, Ice Town! - Run! Run! - Go, go, go, go, go.
Sorry.