Robot Chicken s05e17 Episode Script

It's alive! We'll sell the derivatives from the German account, not from the Oh, hey Doug, my cell phone's about to Ughhh fuck.
All those things I can do.
All those powers.
And I couldn't even save him.
Hmm, guess I shouldn't have doubled down on that KFC Double Down.
Hmm.
Pa! Oh no! Whoa! Not good, not good! Um, oh compressions! Maybe start compressions.
Sorry dad.
Oh no! Uh Sparky come back here! Sorry Pa.
Doctor, my penis doesn't work.
What do you mean? Like it won't make wee-wee-wee or it won't go boioi-oi-oi-oing? Oats Oats oats, oats oats, oats oats oats-oats, oats-oats oats-oats-oats Oats oats oats! Oats-oats oats-oats oats oats Oats, oats, oats oats oats oats We only got one life we've got to live it right Throw up your hands, keep reachin' for the spotlight Baby you're a king, you're a superstar Baby just show me where the oats are oats are Oats oats oats oats oats oats Oats! Oats! Oats-oats-oats-oats Oats oats oats! Oats oats oats Oaaaats oats oats oats! Oats oats Now Rihanna, we're going to learn to canter.
You'll need to know this for your new video! I changed my mind.
Horses are dumb as hell.
I can't feel anything! My fucking body's numb! Oats! Oats oats oats, oats oats! Twilight the game! Approaching bank robbers in their getaway tank, Michael.
I recommend jumping over it.
I love you, KITT! We saved that busload of nuns, KITT.
By jumping over it.
I love you, Michael Knight! Man, I wish you were real, KITT.
We'd have some awesome adventures.
We'd fight all my enemies and murder them So cool so cool Wow! I'm Knight Rider! I'm Knight Ri Awww wait a minute.
You're that crappy KITT from that crappy Knight Rider re-make from a few crappy years ago! Greetings, Michael.
Let's go on an adventure.
No, no, no, no, no! Wake me up right now! Please stop.
Wake me up! Please stop.
No! Lemme out! No no no! Lemme out! Please stop.
Michael.
No! You suck ass! All you did in the whole pilot episode was drive extra-fast! It was boring! Let me out! Fine.
Hope you like ejector seats.
I don't seem to have an ejector seat.
Boring! Knight Rider.
A shadowy flight Go die please.
Aw.
Having a bad day? My stupid dream has the wrong Knight Rider car in it.
Oh.
What'll it be? Hey, can I have lobster with lots of butter sauce? And Oreo ice cream served on a cookie the size of my head? Uh, we don't have that.
But, this is a dream! Yeah, but we kind of blew our budget on that.
Greetings, Michael.
Damn it! Welcome back, Michael.
Hi, Val Kilmer.
Shall I turn into a pickup truck? I can do that.
Wow.
One of your amazing features is hauling cargo.
I can also turn from this kind of Mustang into another kind of Mustang.
Ugh.
Do whatever.
I'm going to take a nap.
You can't take a nap in a dream! Of course you can.
Didn't you see Inception? Only a hundred million people saw it.
It was so cool so cool.
Ohmigosh! I'm in the real KITT! You're the real Knight Rider! Are you ready to fucking do this? Hell yes! Press my Turbo Boost button.
I will! I love you, real KITT.
Oh.
Ouch.
Fuck you, Val Kilmer.
Swat your balls? Get a good ball swatting.
Who doesn't want their balls swatted? Come on, why don't you take those pants right down, there you go, there you go.
Lemme swat those balls! May this golden spike symbolize the power of the railroad, which will last forever! At least until people stop giving a shit about trains, which I predict will never happen! Today, that golden spike resides at the Who Gives a Fuck Museum, located directly up my ass.
Decepticons! Attack! What? Mr.
Mouth, open close your mouth got a real pretty mouth Like your mouth Maybe I'll just take you in another room Let's have a date in here, Mr.
Mouth Gonna have a party inside your mouth Hello, Spock.
Nice to meet you.
I'm you, 30 years older, from the future.
How did you get here? Through a black hole.
Listen, in 10 years, you'll fight against an Evil Klingon named Klorg.
- Alright.
And he'll swing his Bat'leth to the right.
So dodge left and you will avoid a week in the hospital.
Oh.
Thank you.
Oh, and also in about seven years, DJ Zumura will release a greatest hits album and it's awesome, so you should definitely get that.
- Okay.
- But then 2 years after that they're going to release a DJ Zumura compilation album and even though it has a different cover, it has all the same songs, so don't buy it.
Alright.
Not life-threatening, per se, but good to know.
Do not go down that hallway.
- Who are you? I'm you, five minutes in the future.
Three minutes from now Kirk is gonna drop a monumental deuce in the hallway bathroom.
- Sure.
And it's gonna smell really, really bad, trust me.
So, just maybe take another hallway.
Okay.
Thanks.
- Spock.
- Who are you, my sister? No, I'm you, Spock.
One night 12 years from now you have one too many zingaro shots, lose a bet, and get a sex change.
Why is Old Spock a man? I changed back.
There are some problems with the equipment though.
Not going to lie.
- Hey, Spock.
Don't tell me you're me, from the future, but somehow I turn into an overweight black guy.
Uh, no, I'm Ernie.
Just heading down the hallway.
Live long and bite me.
Damn, someone set their phaser to stank back here! Why are all you Spocks meeting me at this exact moment? Didn't you get the note? It's all of our birthdays.
We're throwing a surprise birthday party for Super Old Spock.
He turns 2000 years old today and this was the best place we could all meet up.
Are all the other Spooks ready? Ready! It seems so illogical to travel through time to this location.
Happy Birthday! Go Spock.
It's your birthday.
It is the day of your birth.
By the year 2013, due to an insatiable desire of audiences everywhere, almost every television show involved vampires and the ones that didn't failed miserably.
Now we offer you a glimpse of this very bloody future This week on Vampire Medical.
Gunshot wound.
He's losing blood fast.
Let's get him a blood transfusion, stat.
We're all out of blood again, doctor.
Dammit.
Who here keeps drinking all the blood? Alright, we're probably gonna lose him then.
Might as well get together and drink all of his blood.
Is it "I want to suck your dick?" Help! We've got to save that kid! We can't! We'll be burned in the sunlight! I'm wearing SPF 100.
I'll give it a shot.
It's 3 and 2 to Derek Jeter.
Here's the pitch.
It's a base hit straight up the middle but Jeter trips on his cape! So does Rodriguez! Martinez runs to make what should be an easy stop and he trips on his cape too! Again, the cape issue rears its ugly head in Major League Baseball.
It's literally impossible to make good pasta without garlic.
But since I'm a vampire or whatever, I don't use garlic.
Because vampires don't use garlic and my producer said I need to be a vampire.
This is ridiculous.
Do I really need to be a vampire? Yeah, Martha, it's network rule.
Sorry, gotta, yeah it's vampire.
Fine, I'm a stupid vampire.
Vampires are very big right now.
Would you say REO Speedwagon are a lot like vampires? You know? Because you suck? Oh, great.
Another ambush interview.
Hey, bring the speedwagon around.
We're out of here.