That '70s Show s05e17 Episode Script
The Battle of Evermore (a.k.a. Pioneer Days)
Eric, what are you doing eating? Well, it's mainly for survival.
But I also enjoy the fruity taste.
I told you to replace the hubcap on the Vista Cruiser.
So, what is it? You're mature enough to get married but not mature enough to replace a hubcap? Well, let's see.
You took away my keys, so I can't drive.
And you took away my job, so I can't afford a new hubcap.
You also took away my self-esteem, so I have no pride in my job or my possessions.
For gosh sake, you've been arguing for two weeks.
Now stop it.
Help me with this crossword puzzle.
I need a four-letter word for disappointment.
Eric.
[Gasps.]
It fits.
Well, now, that can't be right.
So, he's like, "Replace the hubcap.
" And I'm like, "Hey, why don't you replace the hubcap.
" And that is why I'm trimming the hedges.
Yeah.
I only mess with Red when I really need the discipline.
He's a total hard-ass.
Hard-ass? Take another look, my friend.
It jiggles when he wiggles.
Man, I don't know what the hell the deal is with Leo.
He told me to take a week off two weeks ago - and I haven't heard from him since.
- We need to find him 'cause we're all out of film, if you know what I mean.
I need film.
Then I could take pictures of Nina and me doing it.
Fez, film doesn't really mean "film.
" Who cares? Because for the first time in my life doin' it really means "doin' it.
" So, I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high school dumb-ass with no car, no job and no money trims the hedges.
That was like eight burns in one sentence.
An octo-burn.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Okay, you two, since you won't bond on your own I have signed you up for the father/son competition at this year's Point Place Paul Bunyan Pioneer DayJamboree.
- Kitty, that sounds horrible.
- Yeah, I agree.
You hear that? We've already bonded.
No, it's too late.
It's for charity.
Now, don't forget your commemorative coonskin caps.
Huh.
So that's what you'd look like with hair.
## [Rock Group Singing.]
## [Ends.]
[Man Shouts Greeting.]
- Hey.
- I'd kiss you but I'm afraid your hat will wake up and scratch my eyes out.
So, you guys, Joanne has been chosen to emcee Pioneer Days.
Tell 'em why, baby.
I won the tobacco-spitting contest last year.
What a lady.
I'll be mannin' the hard-cider booth.
It's a good way to raise money 'cause of all the drunks.
Oh! Ooh, people are signing in.
Come on.
Get excited, you two! Well, howdy, newcomers! I'm Charlie Miller.
You can call me Charlie.
This is my son, Mitch.
You can call me "ladies man.
" - "Ladies man.
" - Did somebody call me? I'm Red Forman.
This is my son, Eric.
You can call him dumb-ass.
Well, we don't use the A-S-S word.
We have a reputation to uphold.
We're the two-time champs.
Little secret, Red.
I tell Mitch it doesn't matter how we do as long as we're together.
- And why is that, Dad? - 'Cause we bad! - Oh, yeah, that's right! We bad! - We bad! All right.
Dad, they have a catch phrase.
Hey, what's ours? Shut up, dumb-ass.
Yeah.
Shut up, dumb-ass.
Okay.
Yeah.
No wonder Leo hasn't told me to come to work.
There's no work to come to.
- Mmm, did he leave a note? - [Fez.]
Nope.
Just this.
You know, he looked dirty but he always smelled like clean sheets.
You're talking about him like he's gone, man.
He would have told me if he was leaving town.
Maybe a U.
F.
O.
Appeared.
And it shot down a beam and made everyone and everything inside the Fotohut vanish.
Yeah, like an apparition.
Kelso, you don't even know what an apparition is.
Hey, if I can't use words I don't understand this is gonna be one quiet afternoon.
Let's get started.
"To make room for a new tradin' post "Paul Bunyan needs to clear-cut 200 acres of forest.
The first team to chop And chop! Um, excuse me.
My ax is stuck.
Way to go, Mitch.
- That's right! We bad! - Oh, yeah, we bad! Pull the ax out, Eric.
I can't.
It's really stuck in there.
And you think you're ready to be married.
You can't even chop wood.
What are you gonna do for heat in the winter, burn comic books? Hmm, I don't know.
I guess I would probably just turn on the heater! How can Eric and Red be fighting already? Well, it's almost as if forcing them together against their will and giving them sharp objects wasn't really the best way to get them to make up.
Another hard cider, Bob.
Make it a double.
Well, we couldn't find Leo.
We just checked all his hangouts.
- The Hub.
- Alley behind The Hub.
- Fatso Burger.
- Alley behind the Fatso Burger.
Hyde, when are you gonna accept the fact that Leo just bailed? Man, he would not leave without saying good-bye, okay? I know him better than I know my own father.
I'd like to do it with Nina in an alley.
My bare ass pressed up against a cold Dumpster.
You know, we're getting killed here thanks to your screwing up that last event.
All you had to do was build a cabin out of Lincoln Logs.
Well, I thought I'd score some extra points by building the Millennium Falcon.
The Millennium what? If that's a Star Wars thing, I'm gonna kick you in the ass.
It's not a Star Wars thing.
It's a very rare falcon that can do the Kessel Run in under six parsecs.
Hey, just remember, guys.
It's not whether you win or lose.
It's how you play the game.
Unfortunately, you guys don't know how to play the game.
Oh, hey.
We don't wanna rub it in their face they're big losers.
- Oh! - Oh! I don't know.
It just came out.
This is the worst Point Place Paul Bunyan Pioneer Days Jamboree ever.
And now, the cow-milking event.
Could you just award us our first-place points right now? It'd save a lot of time and embarrassment for our friends over here.
You know, it kinda would.
"Babe the Blue Ox needs lots of calcium to carry Paul Bunyan's lumber "or his brittle bones will snap and he'll die.
"The first team to fill their barrel with milk and save Babe from osteoporosis wins.
" [Cackling.]
And milk! - Um, hey! There's something wrong with our cow.
- [Lowing.]
Her things aren't workin'! You can't just yank on 'em.
Red never was much for foreplay.
- Keep it comin', Mitch.
- This is amazing.
It's like she was waiting for my magic fingers to coax that sweet liquid right out of her teats.
- Move over, Dad.
I'll show you how it's done.
- What makes you think- Go, Eric.
Go.
Well, honey, good for you.
[Chuckles.]
Mitch, they're winning.
What happened to your magic fingers? Get off my back, old man! Dad, here.
[Joanne.]
Team Forman wins! You let me down, son.
I thought you were better than that.
What are you gonna do? Lock me in the closet again? He locks me in the closet! It's a walk-in! It's a walk-in.
So, Dad, what do you say now? Why are you so good at that? How are we gonna break into Leo's apartment? [Groans.]
We need a credit card to slip in the door.
Ponch used one on CHiPs once and the lady he rescued was so grateful they did it.
Kelso, if we had a credit card, we could buy a sledgehammer and break down the door.
If we had a credit card, I'd be butt-deep in Jordache right now.
- Oh, Leo, man.
- I'm gonna kick him, see if he's okay.
- Kelso, no.
- Well, at least throw something at him.
If he's asleep, he'll wake up.
If he's dead, you can say you threw something at a dead guy.
Uuh! Aah! Officer, I have a prescription for that.
No, relax, bud.
We're just looking for Leo.
Oh, he left.
I'm his cousin, Eli.
Really, he just left? He didn't call or anything? Oh, Steven, I'm sorry.
Don't take it personal, Hyde.
You know Leo never liked phones.
He said he could hear voices in 'em.
By the way, he left a note.
Do any of you know a kid named Heidi? He means Hyde.
That's me, man.
[Excitedly.]
The note's for me! [Coolly.]
I mean, the note's for me.
[Clears Throat.]
"Dear Hyde, man.
One day I stopped in Point Place for some gas.
"Before I knew it, eight years had passed.
"Whoa.
That rhymes.
"Anyway, I should get home to my wife.
"Take care.
You're a good kid, man.
You're a good kid-man.
" See, I told you he wouldn't leave without saying good-bye.
Oh, Steven, you really do love that old, dirty, little hippie.
And, uh, he left you something else.
He said that you liked "film," if you know what I mean.
All right.
I was hoping we could take something home.
Put it in the shirt pocket.
Holy hell! You know, Donna, I've been drinking- I mean, thinking.
[Cackling.]
I want you and Eric to get married.
Okay, even though I know it's just the cider talking - yea! - [Laughing.]
"Pioneer Pete is lost in the woods.
"Assemble the map to find his bow and arrow.
"And shoot the bell with the arrow and Pioneer Pete will appear.
Do not shoot Pioneer Pete.
" And go.
- Okay, this one goes here.
- And this piece goes here.
Come on, Mitch.
Don't give up.
Okay, Mr.
"I Haven't Had AJob In Five Years.
" - So the bow and arrow are behind the feeding trough! - Go, go, go! - [Dings.]
- [Both Cheer.]
Howdy, y'all! I'm Pioneer Pete! Look, Donna.
It's me, your dad.
Well, Mitch, I hope you're happy.
How can I be happy? Our whole life is a lie.
Am I really supposed to believe that Kathy is my little sister? She doesn't look anything like me.
She is Cuban, for Pete's sake! And what about your Friday bowling nights? I looked in your bowling bag.
You know what I found? Butt-less chaps! What's with the butt-less chaps? Your mother's inhibited.
[Groaning.]
[Loud Groan.]
Don't shake hands with that guy.
I can't close my mouth.
Can you close your mouth? It's really starting to freak me out.
Leo's the best.
Leo made me a grilled cheese once.
He used butter and made the crust extra toasty.
He forgot cheese.
I'm gonna miss that grilled-cheese-makin' son of a bitch.
You know, one time, I heard Leo talking on the phone and he was speaking Chinese.
So I said, "Leo, stop speaking Chinese.
" So he turned around, and it wasn't Leo.
It was a Chinese guy.
[Sighs.]
You know, I'll never forget that.
I'm just sad I'll never get to see his face when I tell him I did it with Nina.
Actually, I'd like to see my face when I do it with Nina.
I bet I look like a stallion.
So today we sit in this circle in honor of Leo.
He was my boss.
He was my friend.
He was my connection.
To Leo.
[All.]
To Leo! Well, I found out how much cider is too much cider.
A barrel? Shut it! Great news.
Little Timmy Stinson cut his finger off in a whittling event.
They're out.
We're in second place.
And if we win this next event, we'll be champions.
And maybe even friends.
Look, we've had a rough day and we've both said some things that we didn't mean.
But we've got to pull it together for this final event.
Just tell me where you go Friday nights.
I rent a motel room and I lock the door and I cry, okay? I cry like a damn baby.
Why do you need butt-less chaps for that? Okay, it's time for our final event.
"Transport your gold in a genuine covered wagon to Pioneer Pete's"- You know what? I'm tired.
Pull the wagons.
Go.
## [Man Singing Country.]
## [Ends.]
- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [Grunts.]
- [Panting.]
Ooh! - Mm-hmm.
- Who's bad? - We bad.
- That's right.
- We bad! - We bad! We bad! Okay, it's time for Pioneer Pete to claim his gold! I saw that, Donna.
Well, I'm sorry.
I know you think I'm a disappointment and stuff.
Hey.
I'm proud of how we did.
Look, I know what it's like to have your dad riding you all the time.
My old man was always on me to go to engineering school.
And when I didn't, he was so mad we didn't talk for a year.
So, you're the softy in your family? See, my dad's vision for my life was wrong.
Only I knew what was best.
Not my dad.
You understand what I'm saying? Wow.
Are-Are you admitting that you're wrong that it's okay for me and Donna to get married? What? No, no.
I'm saying that my dad was wrong and I was right.
Just like I'm right now.
The point is, I'm always right, so break it off! Well, at least you're still happy for us.
Please, Donna, I'm standing right here.
There's no need to yell! You know what? I don't care what my dad says.
I am more committed to this marriage than ever.
Well, after seeing how you handled that cow, so am I.
Okay.
So you raise the ax, and you bring it straight down.
- Okay? Raise.
Bring down.
- That's easy.
Now, it's all about leverage.
You know, torque.
Okay.
I don't know what either of those is but I'll give it a shot.
[Cow Lowing.]
- Let's get outta here.
- Right behind you.
But I also enjoy the fruity taste.
I told you to replace the hubcap on the Vista Cruiser.
So, what is it? You're mature enough to get married but not mature enough to replace a hubcap? Well, let's see.
You took away my keys, so I can't drive.
And you took away my job, so I can't afford a new hubcap.
You also took away my self-esteem, so I have no pride in my job or my possessions.
For gosh sake, you've been arguing for two weeks.
Now stop it.
Help me with this crossword puzzle.
I need a four-letter word for disappointment.
Eric.
[Gasps.]
It fits.
Well, now, that can't be right.
So, he's like, "Replace the hubcap.
" And I'm like, "Hey, why don't you replace the hubcap.
" And that is why I'm trimming the hedges.
Yeah.
I only mess with Red when I really need the discipline.
He's a total hard-ass.
Hard-ass? Take another look, my friend.
It jiggles when he wiggles.
Man, I don't know what the hell the deal is with Leo.
He told me to take a week off two weeks ago - and I haven't heard from him since.
- We need to find him 'cause we're all out of film, if you know what I mean.
I need film.
Then I could take pictures of Nina and me doing it.
Fez, film doesn't really mean "film.
" Who cares? Because for the first time in my life doin' it really means "doin' it.
" So, I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high school dumb-ass with no car, no job and no money trims the hedges.
That was like eight burns in one sentence.
An octo-burn.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Okay, you two, since you won't bond on your own I have signed you up for the father/son competition at this year's Point Place Paul Bunyan Pioneer DayJamboree.
- Kitty, that sounds horrible.
- Yeah, I agree.
You hear that? We've already bonded.
No, it's too late.
It's for charity.
Now, don't forget your commemorative coonskin caps.
Huh.
So that's what you'd look like with hair.
## [Rock Group Singing.]
## [Ends.]
[Man Shouts Greeting.]
- Hey.
- I'd kiss you but I'm afraid your hat will wake up and scratch my eyes out.
So, you guys, Joanne has been chosen to emcee Pioneer Days.
Tell 'em why, baby.
I won the tobacco-spitting contest last year.
What a lady.
I'll be mannin' the hard-cider booth.
It's a good way to raise money 'cause of all the drunks.
Oh! Ooh, people are signing in.
Come on.
Get excited, you two! Well, howdy, newcomers! I'm Charlie Miller.
You can call me Charlie.
This is my son, Mitch.
You can call me "ladies man.
" - "Ladies man.
" - Did somebody call me? I'm Red Forman.
This is my son, Eric.
You can call him dumb-ass.
Well, we don't use the A-S-S word.
We have a reputation to uphold.
We're the two-time champs.
Little secret, Red.
I tell Mitch it doesn't matter how we do as long as we're together.
- And why is that, Dad? - 'Cause we bad! - Oh, yeah, that's right! We bad! - We bad! All right.
Dad, they have a catch phrase.
Hey, what's ours? Shut up, dumb-ass.
Yeah.
Shut up, dumb-ass.
Okay.
Yeah.
No wonder Leo hasn't told me to come to work.
There's no work to come to.
- Mmm, did he leave a note? - [Fez.]
Nope.
Just this.
You know, he looked dirty but he always smelled like clean sheets.
You're talking about him like he's gone, man.
He would have told me if he was leaving town.
Maybe a U.
F.
O.
Appeared.
And it shot down a beam and made everyone and everything inside the Fotohut vanish.
Yeah, like an apparition.
Kelso, you don't even know what an apparition is.
Hey, if I can't use words I don't understand this is gonna be one quiet afternoon.
Let's get started.
"To make room for a new tradin' post "Paul Bunyan needs to clear-cut 200 acres of forest.
The first team to chop And chop! Um, excuse me.
My ax is stuck.
Way to go, Mitch.
- That's right! We bad! - Oh, yeah, we bad! Pull the ax out, Eric.
I can't.
It's really stuck in there.
And you think you're ready to be married.
You can't even chop wood.
What are you gonna do for heat in the winter, burn comic books? Hmm, I don't know.
I guess I would probably just turn on the heater! How can Eric and Red be fighting already? Well, it's almost as if forcing them together against their will and giving them sharp objects wasn't really the best way to get them to make up.
Another hard cider, Bob.
Make it a double.
Well, we couldn't find Leo.
We just checked all his hangouts.
- The Hub.
- Alley behind The Hub.
- Fatso Burger.
- Alley behind the Fatso Burger.
Hyde, when are you gonna accept the fact that Leo just bailed? Man, he would not leave without saying good-bye, okay? I know him better than I know my own father.
I'd like to do it with Nina in an alley.
My bare ass pressed up against a cold Dumpster.
You know, we're getting killed here thanks to your screwing up that last event.
All you had to do was build a cabin out of Lincoln Logs.
Well, I thought I'd score some extra points by building the Millennium Falcon.
The Millennium what? If that's a Star Wars thing, I'm gonna kick you in the ass.
It's not a Star Wars thing.
It's a very rare falcon that can do the Kessel Run in under six parsecs.
Hey, just remember, guys.
It's not whether you win or lose.
It's how you play the game.
Unfortunately, you guys don't know how to play the game.
Oh, hey.
We don't wanna rub it in their face they're big losers.
- Oh! - Oh! I don't know.
It just came out.
This is the worst Point Place Paul Bunyan Pioneer Days Jamboree ever.
And now, the cow-milking event.
Could you just award us our first-place points right now? It'd save a lot of time and embarrassment for our friends over here.
You know, it kinda would.
"Babe the Blue Ox needs lots of calcium to carry Paul Bunyan's lumber "or his brittle bones will snap and he'll die.
"The first team to fill their barrel with milk and save Babe from osteoporosis wins.
" [Cackling.]
And milk! - Um, hey! There's something wrong with our cow.
- [Lowing.]
Her things aren't workin'! You can't just yank on 'em.
Red never was much for foreplay.
- Keep it comin', Mitch.
- This is amazing.
It's like she was waiting for my magic fingers to coax that sweet liquid right out of her teats.
- Move over, Dad.
I'll show you how it's done.
- What makes you think- Go, Eric.
Go.
Well, honey, good for you.
[Chuckles.]
Mitch, they're winning.
What happened to your magic fingers? Get off my back, old man! Dad, here.
[Joanne.]
Team Forman wins! You let me down, son.
I thought you were better than that.
What are you gonna do? Lock me in the closet again? He locks me in the closet! It's a walk-in! It's a walk-in.
So, Dad, what do you say now? Why are you so good at that? How are we gonna break into Leo's apartment? [Groans.]
We need a credit card to slip in the door.
Ponch used one on CHiPs once and the lady he rescued was so grateful they did it.
Kelso, if we had a credit card, we could buy a sledgehammer and break down the door.
If we had a credit card, I'd be butt-deep in Jordache right now.
- Oh, Leo, man.
- I'm gonna kick him, see if he's okay.
- Kelso, no.
- Well, at least throw something at him.
If he's asleep, he'll wake up.
If he's dead, you can say you threw something at a dead guy.
Uuh! Aah! Officer, I have a prescription for that.
No, relax, bud.
We're just looking for Leo.
Oh, he left.
I'm his cousin, Eli.
Really, he just left? He didn't call or anything? Oh, Steven, I'm sorry.
Don't take it personal, Hyde.
You know Leo never liked phones.
He said he could hear voices in 'em.
By the way, he left a note.
Do any of you know a kid named Heidi? He means Hyde.
That's me, man.
[Excitedly.]
The note's for me! [Coolly.]
I mean, the note's for me.
[Clears Throat.]
"Dear Hyde, man.
One day I stopped in Point Place for some gas.
"Before I knew it, eight years had passed.
"Whoa.
That rhymes.
"Anyway, I should get home to my wife.
"Take care.
You're a good kid, man.
You're a good kid-man.
" See, I told you he wouldn't leave without saying good-bye.
Oh, Steven, you really do love that old, dirty, little hippie.
And, uh, he left you something else.
He said that you liked "film," if you know what I mean.
All right.
I was hoping we could take something home.
Put it in the shirt pocket.
Holy hell! You know, Donna, I've been drinking- I mean, thinking.
[Cackling.]
I want you and Eric to get married.
Okay, even though I know it's just the cider talking - yea! - [Laughing.]
"Pioneer Pete is lost in the woods.
"Assemble the map to find his bow and arrow.
"And shoot the bell with the arrow and Pioneer Pete will appear.
Do not shoot Pioneer Pete.
" And go.
- Okay, this one goes here.
- And this piece goes here.
Come on, Mitch.
Don't give up.
Okay, Mr.
"I Haven't Had AJob In Five Years.
" - So the bow and arrow are behind the feeding trough! - Go, go, go! - [Dings.]
- [Both Cheer.]
Howdy, y'all! I'm Pioneer Pete! Look, Donna.
It's me, your dad.
Well, Mitch, I hope you're happy.
How can I be happy? Our whole life is a lie.
Am I really supposed to believe that Kathy is my little sister? She doesn't look anything like me.
She is Cuban, for Pete's sake! And what about your Friday bowling nights? I looked in your bowling bag.
You know what I found? Butt-less chaps! What's with the butt-less chaps? Your mother's inhibited.
[Groaning.]
[Loud Groan.]
Don't shake hands with that guy.
I can't close my mouth.
Can you close your mouth? It's really starting to freak me out.
Leo's the best.
Leo made me a grilled cheese once.
He used butter and made the crust extra toasty.
He forgot cheese.
I'm gonna miss that grilled-cheese-makin' son of a bitch.
You know, one time, I heard Leo talking on the phone and he was speaking Chinese.
So I said, "Leo, stop speaking Chinese.
" So he turned around, and it wasn't Leo.
It was a Chinese guy.
[Sighs.]
You know, I'll never forget that.
I'm just sad I'll never get to see his face when I tell him I did it with Nina.
Actually, I'd like to see my face when I do it with Nina.
I bet I look like a stallion.
So today we sit in this circle in honor of Leo.
He was my boss.
He was my friend.
He was my connection.
To Leo.
[All.]
To Leo! Well, I found out how much cider is too much cider.
A barrel? Shut it! Great news.
Little Timmy Stinson cut his finger off in a whittling event.
They're out.
We're in second place.
And if we win this next event, we'll be champions.
And maybe even friends.
Look, we've had a rough day and we've both said some things that we didn't mean.
But we've got to pull it together for this final event.
Just tell me where you go Friday nights.
I rent a motel room and I lock the door and I cry, okay? I cry like a damn baby.
Why do you need butt-less chaps for that? Okay, it's time for our final event.
"Transport your gold in a genuine covered wagon to Pioneer Pete's"- You know what? I'm tired.
Pull the wagons.
Go.
## [Man Singing Country.]
## [Ends.]
- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [Grunts.]
- [Panting.]
Ooh! - Mm-hmm.
- Who's bad? - We bad.
- That's right.
- We bad! - We bad! We bad! Okay, it's time for Pioneer Pete to claim his gold! I saw that, Donna.
Well, I'm sorry.
I know you think I'm a disappointment and stuff.
Hey.
I'm proud of how we did.
Look, I know what it's like to have your dad riding you all the time.
My old man was always on me to go to engineering school.
And when I didn't, he was so mad we didn't talk for a year.
So, you're the softy in your family? See, my dad's vision for my life was wrong.
Only I knew what was best.
Not my dad.
You understand what I'm saying? Wow.
Are-Are you admitting that you're wrong that it's okay for me and Donna to get married? What? No, no.
I'm saying that my dad was wrong and I was right.
Just like I'm right now.
The point is, I'm always right, so break it off! Well, at least you're still happy for us.
Please, Donna, I'm standing right here.
There's no need to yell! You know what? I don't care what my dad says.
I am more committed to this marriage than ever.
Well, after seeing how you handled that cow, so am I.
Okay.
So you raise the ax, and you bring it straight down.
- Okay? Raise.
Bring down.
- That's easy.
Now, it's all about leverage.
You know, torque.
Okay.
I don't know what either of those is but I'll give it a shot.
[Cow Lowing.]
- Let's get outta here.
- Right behind you.