The Conners (2018) s05e17 Episode Script

Jackie, where the hell have you been?
I had to ask Mark to come in
and help me wait on tables.
And what's this?
I'll tell you where I've been.
I was at Thai Palace yesterday.
They had a lottery
machine that has a drawing
every four minutes.
There was a line of people out the door
waiting to eat and gamble.
What were you doing over there?
I thought they had a
restraining order against you.
That's the schnitzel place.
It's just a warning at Thai Palace.
So, anyway, I was looking
for a place to get a machine,
and turns out the closest is Ohio.
So, I filled up the tank,
bought a bucket of chicken,
put on a diaper, and,
uh, took a little trip.
Okay, uh, I guess it'll draw
people when football is over,
but how do winners get paid?
Well, the small wins
I pay out of the till,
and then for the big payouts,
they get a diaper and
directions to Ohio.
Hey, Ms. Glen. What are you doing here?
I'm picking up my lunch.
Believe it or not, Mark,
music teachers do not fold up
and go into the cabinet
at the end of the day.
We eat, we sleep,
and after a day of listening
to my students play,
- I also drink.
- Let me get your order.
Please make sure this order is perfect.
It's for my music teacher.
She also picks who gets
into the chamber orchestra,
and I just found out that I'm competing
for the one contrabassoon seat
with another student
who just transferred.
Don't worry. I've always been
great with teachers.
I'll go sweet talk her.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Ms. Glen, right?
- Yeah.
I have heard so much about you.
- Mark speaks very highly of you.
- Does he?
I'm surprised, because
I'm really not that nice.
A lot of teachers try to make
friends with their students,
but then it's hard when you
have to crush their dreams.
Would you like extra ketchup packets?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Supply chain problems.
Packet shortage.
If she wants extra ketchup,
then she's welcome to
squirt some into a napkin.
- Jackie Harris.
- Oh, my God.
Holland Glen.
Mark, remember I told
you I was a rifle twirler
for the color guard?
Well, Holland marched right next to me.
She was the drum major.
Well, now, isn't this fun?
Hey, Ms. Glen.
So you two know each other?
Yes, we do.
Hey, Jackie, why don't you
throw in a slice of apple pie
on the house for your
old friend, Ms. Glen, huh?
That's not a bribe because Mark's trying
to get into the chamber seat, is it?
What? Of course not.
That's ridiculous.
We're out of pie.
Would you like a no-strings-attached
piece of cake instead?
No, thank you.
I I I don't want to be beholden
to Jackie Harris for anything.
She hit me in the head with her rifle.
That That was a very
unfortunate accident.
No. It was because you were
an attention-deprived so-and-so,
always trying to show me up.
I'm spinning my drum,
twirling my sticks,
and you tried to outdo
me by flipping your rifle
20 feet in the air.
Not true!
True, true, true!
And then you missed
it when it came down.
It grazed my head, bounced off my drum,
and took out the flag girl!
She was an exchange
student from Uruguay.
Damn near set off a
civil war in the Model UN.
Look, look, it was
It was a very breezy day, the
rifle got caught up in the wind.
I still write to Josefina.
She's forgotten all about it.
That's 'cause you gave her a concussion!
Has anyone ever met a
member of the Conner family
and liked them?
It was the wind!
You and your stupid rifle.
Mark has been practicing
the contrabassoon
for a year and half to get
a seat on the orchestra,
and we have had to endure
that horrible racket
day in and day out.
It's a very difficult instrument.
You play it beautifully.
Look, I just hope she
doesn't hold it against Mark
that she's upset with you.
He needs that seat on his transcript
to have any shot at a music scholarship.
- Okay.
- Yeah, this is our only chance
- to be able to afford a good college.
- Okay!
How was I supposed to
know that something I did
40 years ago was gonna
bite Mark in the ass?
Because the Conners
are the founding fathers
of generational failure.
Some Conner way back
when discovered the wheel
and traded it in for the first beer.
Carrying this thing is killing me. Ugh!
Uh, it might seem like a pain
lugging that thing around,
but you're never gonna get that chiseled
summer contrabassoon bod
unless you put in the work.
Ben, you're coming to the recital, too?
Of course I am.
He's, uh, never heard you
play with other musicians,
and this is your last performance
before Ms. Glen chooses the orchestra.
- We gotta cheer you on.
- Yeah.
This is a big deal.
You're playing the post
office bicentennial.
We're celebrating 200 years
of stealing indigenous land
and turning it into a delivery system
for aluminum siding coupons.
Yes, but they are making amends
by giving everyone who attends
a small book of forever stamps
honoring the life and times
of the "Peanuts" characters.
I am such a Lucy.
Hm. I'm more of a Peppermint Patty guy.
She wears sandals in winter. Love that.
Hey, uh, listen, I'm
feeling a little better,
so I can pick Beverly
Rose up from school
and watch her tonight, if you want.
Aww, that's very sweet.
But I've decided to stop
burdening the family.
I'm gonna bite the bullet
and hire a babysitter.
They're just so damn expensive now.
They're like 10 bucks an hour.
What happened to the days
where you just got paid
in Twinkies and rides
home with a hot dad?
Maybe you'll hit the jackpot
on the new lottery machine
at The Lunch Box.
I played and I won 20 bucks.
I don't know. You need money to gamble.
Yeah, well, you never know.
This guy at the tattoo shop
spent 50 bucks on a game like that,
and he won 10 grand.
- Really?
- Yeah.
He got calf implants
and forearm implants,
and now he plays Popeye
on Hollywood Boulevard.
Dreams do come true, even
if they're stupid and weird.
There are no refreshments,
- and I forgot my emergency Slim Jims.
- Thank you.
Oh, unless that's a menu, I'll pass.
- Let's find Mark's name in the program.
- Yeah.
Oh, look, here's that
other contrabassoon kid,
Aiden Stokes. Mark is great.
Why would they even need
two contrabassoon players?
Well, it's like baseball.
That guy's just a backup.
If Mark blows too hard
and pulls his groin,
that other kid will take the field.
Well, thank you all for being here.
The Lanford High music students
are very proud to help celebrate
the bicentennial anniversary
of this post office
with a program of classical favorites.
Favorites are so played out.
I know most of you are here
to collect the latest "Peanuts" stamps.
You know, Gershwin had to
wait 50 years to get his.
Let's give another one to the
bald, depressed cartoon kid
who's not even real!
Enough about that.
Now, could the 10
musicians that I've selected
for today's performance please come in?
Like all of their fellow music students
who are here today,
these 10 young people
are in contention for this year's
Lanford High chamber orchestra.
Where's Mark?
The restaurant's all closed up.
- Here's your phone.
- Oh, yeah.
Thanks. Sorry.
I I could've sworn I left it here.
You know, without my
phone as a distraction,
I had a chance to
just sit here and think.
Really? What were you thinking about?
How much I miss my phone.
It's almost 9:00. What took you so long?
I was cleaning up, and I
wanted to do a thorough job.
Oh, well, there's
a red flag right there.
You weren't playing that
lottery machine, were you?
'Cause you were on that thing all day.
Hey! I was not on that thing all day.
Sometimes I was on my
phone, I was studying,
I was daydreaming.
It's hard to avoid
work with the customers
- constantly nagging you.
- Alright, alright.
Just as long as you
don't get carried away
playing the thing.
Those machines are for suckers
I mean our valued customers.
- How was the recital?
- Darlene:
Well, we watched somebody else's kid
play the contrabassoon
for two-and-a-half hours.
- Ms. Glen pulled Mark.
- Oh, darn.
Well, I gotta go.
No, you're not going anywhere.
Hey, Mark, can you come down?
I can't believe there was
another contrabassoon player.
I didn't know there were
more losers stupid enough
to want to play that instrument. Mark!
Is this important? I'm busy practicing.
Now that the other
kid's the frontrunner,
I gotta audition to get my seat back.
No, that that's not enough.
We've gotta do some damage control.
I stayed after, and I
talked to your teacher,
and I convinced her to come
for dinner on Tuesday night.
Oh, God. Why?
Because, before she
makes her final decision,
I think she needs to know
that we are all dedicated
to your classical music aspirations.
And Aunt Jackie's
gotta apologize to her.
Oh, God. Okay. I'll do it.
But you know how many people
get hit in the head with a gun
and don't get an apology? A lot.
Wait. Wait, we're gonna say this family
is dedicated to classical music?
It It won't hurt for
her to think we're a family
that appreciates the finer things.
And what exactly is gonna do that?
The crystal chandeliers,
the the gold leafing
on our dinner plates,
or Billy the Singing
Bass over the fireplace?
O Okay. Alright.
I I I have to say something.
Anytime this family tries to maintain
that they have any class at
all, Billy Bass takes a hit.
All he does is sing, wiggle
his tail a little bit.
Suddenly, he's the
poster fish for stupid?
I'm sorry, no!
He makes me feel good, and I love him!
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Damn it.
Lost again. Okay.
I'm done.
Okay, one more.
Aah!
Godfrey Daniel!
It's midnight.
What are you still doing here?
Actually, uh, I couldn't remember
whether I locked the front
door, so I ran over here.
Um, I was just about to leave.
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm still having trouble sleeping,
so I told Jackie I'd come in
and clean out the air ducts.
Ah, you haven't kicked
the insomnia, huh?
Oh, no. I've been up watching
infomercials all night.
I got excited about a needlepoint kit,
and I took that as a warning sign.
Hey! Is that a lottery machine?
I saw one of those
over at the Thai Palace.
Don't tell your aunt I was there.
Yeah, Jackie saw it, too,
and she got one for here.
Mm, you been playing?
Oh, my God, no.
These things are for suckers.
Must have been our last customer.
He also ordered the fish soup.
Some people are just gamblers.
So, how long are you gonna be here?
I'll be up in the crawl
space for about an hour.
Um, I got some stuff to do.
I could wait for you.
Are you sure?
Shouldn't you get some sleep?
I had statistics class
today. I got some sleep.
Let's have a milkshake when I'm done.
Oh, sounds good.
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, she's here.
Let me answer it.
Please, everyone, try to be casual.
Just pretend to be a
nice, ordinary family
that had a genetic
anomaly and produced me.
Hi, Ms. Glen. Please, come in.
Alright, thank you.
Ooh! Interesting choice.
You're not planning on
murdering me, are you?
No.
No, that's just the kind of music
I like to listen to
when I unwind at the end of the day.
Oh. I assume you
work in a slaughterhouse?
Honestly, our our
mother, God rest her soul,
encouraged us to believe
that you don't have to be
rich to have refined taste.
Oh, that's very true.
And because of that,
I'm raising my child
to have an open mind
and not make fun of people
who like classical music,
'cause let's face it,
it's just too easy.
Is it? Come over here. Let's find out.
No, thank you. I will
be in the kitchen now.
Oh, my. Look at that.
You've got the singing fish!
Does it also have refined taste,
or does it stick to
"Take Me to the River"?
You know, Becky had a great idea.
Why don't we all go sit in the kitchen?
Oh.
You're here.
Uh, I just wanted a chance
to clear the air with you.
Why don't we just leave
the air where it is?
Oh, please.
I just think that it's important
that, uh, I let you know
that maybe I did twirl my
rifle a little higher that day.
It's because I was
jealous of you, Holland.
I was invisible.
You were everybody's favorite.
The cool drummer girl.
You were Karen Carpenter.
I get that a lot.
So, um, just wanted you to
know that I'm really very sorry.
Thank you.
So what?
You were insecure in high school.
We all were.
But I didn't hit anybody with a gun.
- I take it all back.
- Jackie!
Well, don't worry.
Jackie isn't what's gonna
affect my decision about Mark.
But you people trying to impress me
that you know anything about
the music I love isn't helping.
Okay, you're right.
Maybe we're trying a
little bit too hard.
But we really do love classical music.
Come on, you're gonna stick with that?
Okay. Which do you like better
Beethoven's 11th symphony or his 12th?
Now, Mark, you know what my favorite is,
so don't say anything.
I think there's only nine.
Ben, don't make us look stupid.
- I mean, 11.
- Yeah.
- Totally.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's what
- I was gonna say, 11.
- Yeah.
- We're all 11-heads in this house.
It's unusual, because
like Slaughterhouse Joe over here,
I've only heard nine.
Well, you gotta listen to 11.
He really outdid himself.
There is no 11th.
There are only nine.
Well, the one I heard
must've been a bootleg.
Okay, ass-kissing period is over.
- Just tell me what's really going on.
- Okay, fine.
Look, chamber orchestra is the only way
that Mark has a chance
at getting a scholarship
that could get him into a good college,
- and we really need that.
- Okay.
Here's the deal.
Mark, I let Aiden play the recital
because I know what you can do,
but I needed to hear him under pressure.
The orchestra seat is gonna come down
to who gives the best audition.
Thank you, and goodnight.
Are you sure you don't
want something to eat?
We can pack you a bag.
No, thanks. I think I'm just gonna stop
at the Thai Palace on the way home.
- I love that place.
- Whoa.
- Hey.
- Hey!
Uh, are you still
working on the air ducts?
- 'Cause I just came
- Save it.
I heard you took off right after dinner,
and I had a feeling this
is where you were going.
Oh. I'm a grown woman.
I don't have to stay after dinner.
I moved out of your house when I was 47.
I'm on my own now.
So, where do I look for
the losing lottery tickets?
In the trash can? In your purse?
- How you wanna do this?
- Oh, come on, Dad.
This isn't a big deal.
I'm just trying to get a
little financial independence
from the family.
How much are you down?
A couple bucks.
I'm gonna ask you one more time.
I'm down a paycheck.
Damn it, Becky.
Other people can do this.
They can lose and then
walk away, but you can't.
You've got a history of
starting things you can't stop.
Now, it's great that you
don't want to rely on us,
but you're gonna rely on us a lot more
if you lose all your money.
Uh, this one kind of snuck up on me.
I guess I just got hooked on the hope
that I could make a couple big hits
and and finally get ahead.
You think you can work
here with this thing?
I don't know.
I don't think Jackie's
gonna want to get rid of it.
Yeah.
It's a shame it got stolen.
You've grown a lot.
I know. I've had a freakish
growth spurt this year,
and I'm worried it's never gonna end
and they're gonna have to build
a special house for me and then
I'm not talking about that.
- Aiden Stokes is not better than you.
- Thank you.
But you're not better than him.
You're equally proficient.
- But I'm giving the seat to Aiden.
- Why?
Y You said yourself
he's not better than me,
and I I was here first.
Yes. But for him, it's about
his love of the instrument.
Music is his life.
You're a smart young man
who just needs to get to college,
and you found a loophole
you thought you could squeeze through.
I'm not in the loophole business.
But But I need to get to college.
Now you're just you're just
taking away my whole future.
I'm not taking away your future.
I'm giving Aiden the one he deserves.
I am underfunded, underappreciated,
but I am determined to give
dedicated young musicians
a chance they are not
gonna get anywhere else.
You? You're gonna figure this out.
I've never seen a kid as
smart as you not find a way.
Thanks. If I knew I was
gonna get screwed,
I would have done all
this with a piccolo.
Oh, there he is.
Okay, so, how'd it go?
The way we hoped it would.
Aiden didn't stand a chance.
- I got the seat.
- Way to go!
Oh! Thank God! Yes!
So, when is the first concert?
Muffy and Biff will simply
be dying to know at the club.
No concerts right now.
I'll let you know when.
Uh, okay, 'cause you know the Conners
are gonna be there front row.
I'll make sure everybody wears shoes.
Hey, you know what?
I'm gonna go tell Ben.
You just lied to Mom, didn't you?
I I couldn't tell her.
She's got so much on
her plate right now,
I don't want her worrying about
how to pay for college too.
Man, I I really
thought this was the way
I was gonna get into
a four-year university.
Now I gotta figure out something else.
But you better figure something out,
because it's gonna be pretty obvious
you didn't get into college
when we pack up your shower
caddy and your mattress pad
and drop you off in a field somewhere.
What do you think? I'm almost done.
"I'm not a hot mess.
I'm a spicy disaster".
It's you!
How's yours coming?
"I'd rather be gambling".
I think you're missing
the point of this exercise.
I'm also working on this bigger one.
"I tried to be normal once.
Worst two minutes of my life".
You know what's great about that?
It'd be a perfect gift
for anyone in this family.