The Neighborhood (2018) s05e17 Episode Script

1
This coffee is so good.
It's got a nice body,
a lot of light, biscuity notes up front,
but it fades to reveal
an earthy yet creamy finish.
Is it a shade-grown single origin?
It's Folgers, Dave.
That was my next guess.
- Hey-hey.
- Hey, Pops.
We got a package at our
house addressed to you.
Well, all right.
And with a few days to spare,
I finally got the perfect
present for Tina's birthday.
Got to do it big for
your boo. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, and Dad has a bad
history with Mom's birthdays.
- Yep, he is 0 for all of them.
- Yeah.
Remember when he got her
that fancy vacuum cleaner?
Oh, she was so upset.
She vacuumed through every
football game that season.
Well, don't forget her 40th.
- The cake.
- Mm.
Was it a carrot cake?
You know, vegetables
have no place in cakes.
Full stop.
I like zucchini bread.
No!
It turns out that she was allergic.
Her face swelled up like a blowfish.
That's why the next
year, I got her a car.
And ran over her foot with said car.
Well, I couldn't see over the big bow.
But this year is going to be different.
I got her the most amazing gift.
A genuine Chanel jacket
straight off the runways of Paris.
Look like it came straight
from the Guangdong Province.
(CHUCKLES) She's gonna love it, baby
- DAVE: Here we go.
- Ah, yes.
Oh, no.
Hey, man, that's too small.
I can see that, Dave.
Yeah, so I don't have to point
out that it's spelled "channel"?
Uh, no.
Well, looks like your streak continues.
(LAUGHS)
- Hey.
- CALVIN: Hey.
Now, what are you boys up to?
Nothing. (LAUGHS)
Well, I hope you're not getting me
anything extravagant for my birthday.
I don't need anything.
All I need is you.
Well, you know you got that.
You know? But I got to do
a little something for my baby, now.
Okay, I'm just saying,
when you look this good
at my age, you can't ask
for anything more, right?
- You know what I mean?
- You know that's right.
- You know what I mean?
- Fine as hell.
- You do it, Mama.
- Okay.
(MALCOLM CHUCKLES)
Oh, man, she is definitely
going to want more.
Luckily, we found the perfect gift.
Oh, yes, we did.
The latest in ergonomic sneakers
because she's always complaining
about how her feet hurt.
Well, they did get run over.
Okay, how much do you want for 'em?
(CHUCKLES) Daddy, they're not for sale.
Come on, guys. Look,
I'll give you $300 cash right now.
(LAUGHS) No, my brother.
You have got to get your own.
(LAUGHTER)
Watch out.
- Move out the way.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
- mm-hmm.
- Ooh!
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
Oh, hey, babe.
What's going on?
Our online fundraising
auction goes live tonight,
and our donations suck.
What are you talking about?
I just donated juggling lessons.
Yeah. Anyway,
I'm waiting for Jerry O'Connell
to walk by to pick up his kids.
I'm going to
"accidentally" bump into him
and get him to donate
VIP tickets to The Talk.
Oh, finally, the day I get
to chop it up with Jerry.
- Ooh, there he is.
- He's mine. Jerry.
Jerry! Ooh! Oh!
Oh
Fire! Uh, false alarm. (CHUCKLES)
- Hey.
- You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Hey, can I ask you a quick question?
No, I don't know how I got
Rebecca Romijn to marry me.
(STRAINED LAUGHTER)
That's funny. I-I'm her husband Dave.
- I don't know how I got her to marry me either.
- Oh.
So, anyway, our big
online fundraiser is coming up,
and I was wondering if you might be
able to donate something to auction off.
Of course. I'm pretty sure
I have a Kindle that's still in the box.
Brand-new.
Oh, uh, yeah, thanks.
I'm kidding. How many VIP
tickets to The Talk do you need?
Oh, four. Yes. Thank you. Thank you.
Hooah.
I'm sorry?
No, I'm I just
- I-I don't
- Oh.
I don't mean to embarrass
you, but, uh, I just
Scent of a Woman is my favorite movie.
Me, too. But that was Chris O'Donnell.
I'm Jerry O'Connell.
♪
I'll take any idea you got.
I am desperate to
find something special.
Well, I got her this amazing perfume
I found on Oprah's Favorite Things list.
It's designed by her
personal scent sommelier.
Perfect. I'll give you $300
cash right here, right now.
Calvin. Come on,
it's your wife's birthday.
You've got to dig deeper.
All right, $350.
Calvin!
Just, whenever I ask her what she wants,
she says, "All I need is you."
Well, yeah, that's what we all say,
but we actually want the gift.
Well, you know,
I got Miss Tina a present.
I'm going to play her
a song on my recorder.
I've been practicing for weeks.
Grover, that's really
sweet and thoughtful.
Look, say it's from me,
I'll give you $300 cash.
- Mixed bills, tens and 20s.
- Ooh, money, money.
No, no, no, no. No money.
Come on, Calvin, don't give up.
Why not support a good
cause and get her something
from the school auction site?
All right, I guess it couldn't hurt.
(GROANS)
Lunch with the football coach. Boo.
- Yeah.
- All right.
Juggling lessons. That's got to be Dave.
(SCOFFS)
A 60-pound weighted blanket?
How do you get out of bed?
It's been a rough year for donations.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
VIP tickets to The Talk.
Tina loves The Talk.
Sheryl Underwood is her girl.
All right, you know
what? I'll buy those.
Great. Auction goes live tonight.
Okay, well, how about
I give you $300 cash
right now and we cut out the middleman?
The middleman is the scholarship fund
for underprivileged kids.
- Okay, all right. $375.
- No.
$400 and I take Grover for the night.
We all know he can be a handful.
I'm right here.
♪
Man, this auction is blowing up.
I've had to up my bid, like, nine times.
Scent of a Woman.
How could I be so stupid?
Okay. All right. We're
down to the last minute.
Okay, here we go oh.
- Oh
- TINA: Hey.
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- (CLEARS THROAT)
What are you boys doing out here?
Oh, you know, uh, watching porn.
No, we are not.
Oh.
I get it. I get it.
The birthday girl is going
to go back inside now.
Yeah. All right.
- Bye.
- Man, that was terrible.
You're lucky I was here. You froze up.
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
Oh. Oh, man, I got to up my bid.
Down to the final five seconds.
- Okay, here we go.
- Okay.
Three, two, one.
- Yeah!
- Got it!
Yeah, baby! Let's go!
- Shh!
- You're going to the
Right, uh, wow, that is
some pretty wild pornography.
♪
(PLAYING POORLY)
♪
Oh, wow. Aw.
Oh, thank you, Grover.
Bless your little heart.
That was beautiful.
What was that? "Sweet Caroline"?
I thought it was "Back That Azz Up."
He's been working on it all week.
Yeah, that's easily the
best that it's sounded.
- Yeah.
- TINA: Aw.
Well, thank you, Johnson
family, for my lovely perfume.
And the concert.
- Yeah, yeah, uh, nice effort.
- (LAUGHS)
- Open ours, Mommy.
- Oh, oh.
Okay, let me see what my babies got me.
Ugh.
These are nice.
Is that why you said "ugh"?
Oh, did I? No, no, I
Well, they look like old lady sneakers.
No, no, no, no, no.
Th-They're not for old ladies.
They're just padded
to relieve foot pain,
improve posture, and
prevent varicose veins.
Well, when you put it like that
Oh, damn.
Oh, yeah. Look at that.
They're endorsed by Marla Gibbs.
Y'all got y'all mama some Air Gibbs?
We have got to get Mama something else.
Oh, yeah, y'all definitely do.
Yeah, we know, Gemma.
Well, babe, you're going
to need someplace to wear
your nice new Velcro kicks.
- So here you go.
- Oh, that's sweet, baby.
What'd you get me?
Oh, my God!
You got me four tickets to The Talk?
- Yes.
- I get to see my girl Sheryl in person?
Oh, baby, this is the best gift ever.
Hit it, Grover. I'm feeling it.
- (PLAYING POORLY)
- I'm feeling it.
♪
♪
Baby, we are in the front row.
I mean, Sheryl is
going to be right there.
- I could touch her.
- Okay, you know what?
You know who's else
gonna be right here is security.
- Don't do that, okay?
- Okay.
So exciting.
You know, Jerry is
definitely going to see me.
This is the last chance for
me to save our friendship.
There is no friendship.
Well, not with that
attitude, there isn't.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Talk.
- You and me ♪
- You and me ♪
You know we make
some real good company ♪
Company ♪
Oh, my God, it's Sheryl! It's Sheryl!
- You know we make some real good company ♪
- Hi, Sheryl!
♪
Hoppin', we poppin',
all the magic we makin' ♪
Lord knows I love
conversating with you ♪
(CHANTING): Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry!
Wrong show. Wrong
Jerry. Stop doing that.
Stop doing that.
(LAUGHING)
♪
Okay, here's a gift idea.
An LED light therapy rejuvenation mask.
Are you crazy?
That'll be like telling Mama
her face isn't juvenated.
See, man, look, look. Look at this.
- Ah. Things were so easy when we were little.
- Huh.
We made her an ugly necklace
out of macaroni and she loved it.
Oh, man. Yeah, I remember that.
You know, one time
I gave her a Lando Calrissian
action figure that she bought me,
and she said it was
her favorite gift ever.
Yeah, and then you took it right back.
She wasn't gonna play with it.
Well, as you know, we here on
The Talk are big fans of chili.
And today our own Sheryl Underwood
is going to share her secret recipe.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
And spoiler alert, it is good.
So good.
Oh, you guys, stop.
Okay, now, I'm going to invite a few
lucky audience members
up on stage to sample it.
Anybody hungry?
Me! Me, me, me! Me! Oh!
I'm starving, I'm starving!
Hey, birthday girl.
Birthday girl right here.
Oh, yeah, a-and the
birthday girl's friends.
- And the birthday girl's friend.
- Okay, you four. Come on.
Oh. Okay!
Come on, baby. Come on, let's go.
Oh, I'm so excited.
Hey.
Come on up.
Okay, okay. Where are you from?
Pasadena, Sheryl.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm Tina and you're Sheryl.
All day, every day.
Sheryl is standing right here, Calvin.
- She's right here.
- I can see that, babe.
Was 'cause your man finally
got you a great birthday present.
Yes, you did, baby you're so sweet.
And your birthday's
about to get even better
because I'm going to
make you some chili.
GEMMA: Ooh. Ooh!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Hey, Jerry O'Connell.
Why don't you come and, uh, Stand by Me?
Yes, that was, uh, that was
a movie I was actually in.
Very good. Very good.
All right, let's get cooking.
Yes. Show me the chili!
Okay. Yeah. I was also in Jerry Maguire.
Let's move on. We're moving on.
DAVE: Got him.
Okay, I need an assistant chef.
Oh, oh, you got to pick my baby.
She's been cooking me the
best chili for over 30 years.
Oh, stop it, baby.
Oh, looks like I got some competition.
Oh, wow. Mom is on TV
cooking with her hero.
DAVE: What kind of cheese
are you going to use, Jerry O'Connell?
Monterey Jack or
Kangaroo Jack? (CHUCKLES)
Oh, David.
As every great cook knows,
the secret to chili is the spices.
And I got my own special blend.
- Cayenne.
- Ooh, all right, now.
- Paprika.
- Oh, I see you. I see you.
Mustard seed.
AKBAR: Ooh. Huh?
And a little something-something
that they won't see coming.
Horseradish.
Mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
NATALIE: All right, everybody,
you have Sheryl's chili in front of you,
so let's dig in.
DAVE: All right.
AKBAR: Okay. All right. Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT) Mmm.
- Mmm.
- This is good.
This is so good, Sheryl.
It's really good.
Here you go, birthday girl.
- Bon appétit.
- All right. Okay.
Thank you, Sheryl.
You don't like it?
I do. It's so good.
This is a masterpiece. Yeah.
You know what? All this need
is a whole bunch of crackers.
Tina doesn't like my chili.
You all like my chili, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah, so, so good.
- It's so yummy.
- Amazing.
- I'm almost done. Yeah.
- Hey. This is spicy.
- So it's just you.
- No.
No, no, no. Because I-I love it.
I love it. The chili is good.
Okay, then-then eat some more.
Go ahead.
- Okay, let me
- Mangia.
have some more chili. (FORCED LAUGH)
(GROANS)
I think this segment is over.
And I think y'all been lying
about my chili this whole time.
JERRY: You know what? We're
going to pay some bills right now, okay?
We'll be right back with more Talk.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
AKBAR: Aw.
Oh, Sheryl, don't be like that.
See what you did, Akbar?
Sheryl!
♪
Hey. Gemma?
Calvin, what are you doing here?
(SIGHS) Look, I need
you to do me a favor.
I need to talk to Jerry O'Connell.
No. Nuh-uh.
After what happened this morning?
Well, that's the thing.
Look, I finally got
Tina the perfect gift,
and it wound up being
her worst birthday ever.
She told me she wished I
just ran over her feet again.
I understand.
But I can't allow you to approach
a parent on school property
- without proper
- Hey, Erica.
Ooh, there he is. Hey, Jerry!
- Jerry. Oh, sorry.
- Oh! Why? Why?
(STAMMERING)
- You okay?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Please, please tell me
that guy Dave is not with you.
Uh
Oh, no, no, no, I barely
know that guy, man.
Hey, look, Jerry, um,
my wife Tina, she loves Sheryl so much,
and, uh, this morning, you
know, it-it ruined her birthday.
Uh, I think we should move on.
Here's the weighted blanket
you won at the auction.
(GRUNTING)
- You okay?
- Oh, yeah. I got it, I got it.
Look, I-I was just hoping that maybe
you could put Tina in touch with Sheryl
so that she can apologize.
Well, I-I'd love to help you out,
but Sheryl is not upset with your wife.
Sheryl's upset with us for not being
more real with her about her chili,
which is not great chili.
Yeah, I'm not sure if it was even chili.
We were just trying
to spare her feelings,
and now Sheryl's embarrassed.
She said she's never
cooking on our show again.
O-Okay, well, maybe we
can help each other out.
Come on, let me help
you with that blanket.
- (GRUNTS)
- You know, it just so happens
my wife makes a mean chili.
Oh, I certainly believe the mean part.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Slow your roll.
That's my wife we talking about now.
♪
- SHERYL: Tina doesn't like my chili.
- Pause.
Right there. Look at my face.
- Yeah. That's not pretty.
- Ugh.
You're an attractive woman,
but that's not a good face.
Babe, I know your birthday is over
Are you day-drinking with Dave?
You know, I don't think
Akbar liked me either.
Anyway, look, I know
your birthday's over,
but I got one more gift for you,
and it's a chance to make things right.
I just want you
So you're just gonna
leave me on the front porch
like I'm an Amazon package?
Hello, Tina.
Calvin, Sheryl Underwood is in my house.
I know, babe. I brought her.
Sheryl Underwood,
I am so sorry about this morning.
It's, it's just my face. You know?
It-it won't lie.
Girl, I know it.
I watched it back on slow-mo.
But I want to thank you.
You were the only one
that was honest with me.
- Oh.
- I hated the chili, too.
Even more than her.
Little late, Jerry O'Connell superfan.
Uh, so he mentioned me?
Nobody's talking about you, Dave.
Tina, I brought Sheryl here
so that you could teach her
how to make chili the right way.
Oh, hell yeah, I will.
Come on, girl. Let me
get you a glass of wine.
That's all right, girl.
I got one.
Calvin! Sheryl Underwood
is in my kitchen.
I can see.
This is the best birthday ever. Again.
So, what do I need to know?
Okay, first off, the
horseradish has got to go.
That's my mother's recipe.
Oh, she doesn't know
how to cook either, huh?
Tina!
Ooh, okay. Where are you taking me?
- No, no, keep your eyes closed.
- Okay.
- Okay. Almost. Almost.
- All right.
And open 'em.
Ta-da!
Wow. What's all this?
It's your present.
Look, Ma, we-we were trying to find
the perfect birthday present for you,
and we remembered that
you really loved this one.
Aw.
We remember this day as
being pretty much perfect,
so we decided to recreate it.
Oh, thank you. Are those sandwiches?
Yep.
Tuna fish and Cheetos.
(LAUGHS) Yep, there's the yucky face.
There it is.
But I love it. I will eat it.
Thank you. Boys, this is
This is all I could want.
Mwah.
My babies. Mwah.
Happy birthday, Mama.
Thank you. This is
Okay, Mom, I need you to smile,
we about take a picture.
- All right, come on.
- Okay. Let's take a picture
with my babies.
Here we go.
Three, two
What y'all looking at?
- Dad.
- Come on, Pop.
We're trying to recreate this photo.
Oh, but, man, I didn't know.
That's okay, baby, why don't
you just get in the picture?
Oh, okay. All right, good. Let's do it.
Come on, baby. Here we go.
And three, two
Ooh, do I smell Cheetos and tuna?
- Ah, Dave.
- David.
They're trying to take a photo.
Oh, you know what?
Let's just do one with everybody.
- All right. Come on. Here we go.
- Come on, brother.
CALVIN: Get in. Get in. All right. Good.
And
All right, everybody say chili.
Chili!