Xena: Warrior Princess s05e17 Episode Script

The mud is wonderful under the falls! Rhea! Watch what you're doing! You're not a child! You're an amazon! Sorry, Cyane.
-You too, Eris.
-Not me! Xena says it's good to have a balance of work and play.
And who wouldn't wanna play? When you've got a cute, little baby like Eve around Ah, what a doll! Xena's so lucky.
If you ask me, Gabrielle's the lucky one -having Xena for a best friend.
-Well, I wouldn't go getting too attached.
They'll probably be moving on any day now.
-Well, I wouldn't be too sure.
-What do you mean? I asked Gabrielle to stay and be our permanent queen.
You did? That's great! Then Xena and Eve will stay too! You had no right to speak for the tribe, Eris.
Why not? Everyone loves them! Who wouldn't want them to stay? -What'd she say? -She didn't say yes yet.
But she did say she'd think about it, so, keep your fingers crossed.
Don't shoot! Lady with a baby.
It's for the baby, goober.
It's a swing.
Here.
Put her in it.
Here you go.
Easy now.
Aren't you a lucky girl? There you go, Eve.
-She likes it.
-But of course.
I always knew it was gonna happen.
You're nesting.
Nesting? 'Cause I built a swing? Xena, it's perfectly natural.
You're a mother.
Actually, I feel the same way.
What way is that? Have you ever thought about settling down? Here? Like when I'm too old to do kicks and stuff? No, I mean right now.
Xena, it's a beautiful place.
You could raise Eve here.
What are you talking about? These kids need someone.
They need guidance.
They need me.
Gabrielle, are you saying that you wanna stay here and be queen? Well, only if you and Eve would stay.
I think you should consider it.
You wanna stay, don't you? Don't you? Amazons! An intruder! Flank the pond! -I'll get him! -He's got something in his hand! It's too small to be a weapon! It makes sense, Xena.
We've never really had our own home.
So I see this place as our domestic bliss.
All we have to do is fix it up a little bit.
-It wouldn't hurt to consider it.
-Thanks.
Queen Gabrielle We bring you a man who has violated a sacred amazon law.
She means, he was peeking at us from the bushes while we were bathing.
This is a terrible offense against our honor.
Queen Gabrielle, the offender must face the wrath of amazon justice.
Xena, Gab Ok, it was an accident.
Why would I wanna look at naked girls? In the time of ancient gods, warlords and kings a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena.
A mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power The passion The danger Her courage will change the world.
XENA, THE WARRIOR PRINCESS For looking at naked Amazons, he has broken an amazon law.
He will have to suffer the consequences.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I'm friends with Xena.
She's right there.
Go on.
Tell 'em.
Tell 'em.
Did you bring the letter from Cleopatra, like I asked? Oh, that? I forgot again.
Hello.
Hey, cutey.
Never saw this man before in my life.
Do you deny spying on these women? I resent that.
-Do you deny it? -No, I just resent it.
Put him in the stocks to await the queen's judgment.
Go! You know, I counted on him and he let me down.
If we build a porch just around this side, we could lay out there with Eve.
Oh, my spine.
My Cute kids.
Pervert! Loser! Fat creep! Pervert! Loser! Fat creep! I'm not fat! I'm not fat! You little monsters! Hello! I brought something for you.
You're so lucky to have a mommy like Xena I never knew my parents.
You know? If I had a daughter, I'd love her just as much as your mommy loves you.
Of course, first I've gotta get close to a man which isn't easy when you're an amazon.
Hi! Hello! Can you help me, please? Can you? Ok.
Hi.
Can you? Hello.
Please! Can you help me? Hey, fat pervert, what do you want? Listen, I need to go.
Forget it.
No, wait! Wait.
I didn't explain myself.
I need to use the little warriors' room.
Look You can either take me to those bushes over there or help me by droppin' my pants right here.
Hey! Wait! Look -Can you please just get Xena? -Xena is busy, and so am I.
Look Just tell Xena I'm here and she'll come.
Xena says she never saw you in her entire life.
Sweetie, I am Joxer, the Mighy.
I'm Xena's best pal.
If you know Xena so well, then tell me about her.
What's her favorite weapon? What does she like to do? -I have a situation here! -Fine! -You help me, and I'll help you.
-Ok.
Fine, fine.
Whatever you wanna know.
Well, for starters what does Xena look for in a sidekick? Oh, oh, well Lots of flips would be good and a good war cry is always tops on her list.
-Thanks, Joxer.
-You're welcome.
Now, could you? Listen, if you could please help me with? You could just? Hello.
Could you? Hi.
I had a man before I joined the amazons.
It's tough for an amazon to meet men.
Well, I'm a virgin, and I'm gonna stay that way forever.
Forever's a long time.
What's it like? Being with a man? The good news is it's different every time.
The bad news is it's different every time.
You're always hoping for greek fire, but sometimes you just get diddly.
Xena has studied the subject more than I have, but I think she's trying to say that some people are better lovers than others.
What makes a man a good lover? Being gentle and kind? -No.
-Yes.
It's a complicated subject.
You'll figure out what suits you best as you get older.
But how can I? Every time we see a man, they want to kill us.
How can we meet nice guys or even not-so-nice guys? It seems like a lost cause.
You don't need a man, unless you want a baby.
-And we've got Eve to play with.
-Not for long.
They're taking Eve with them when they go.
Actually we're considering settling down here.
You mean you might stay? Great! We have to start making preparations.
We need a formal coronation for our new queen.
Actually I think we're moving a little fast here.
Right.
We're only considering staying.
Hi! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm really sorry! I I didn't mean to look at you! I don't even like looking at naked girls.
I don't! Can you please get Xena? I've been in here a really long time.
I'm so sorry Oh Hello.
Name's Joxer.
Spelled J-O-X-E-RRRRRRRR.
Know what I mean? I'm a warrior.
I've killed a lot of people.
That turn you on? Killing people? -What was that? -Was that you? That's the ram's horn.
The amazons use it to call the queen to the ceremonies.
I've been encouraging them to repect their traditions.
It's ridiculous.
I'm going.
You know what, Gabrielle? I don't know that this is gonna work.
Look, what am I supposed to do around here all day while you're off queening? -Relax.
-Yeah, that's me You could try cleaning this place up a bit Playing with your daughter Unless you just want to hunt and kill something.
Yeah I might just do that.
I'm going.
All right, Eve.
Come on.
Morning.
You know, I could listen to that for days.
Oh, that's better, huh? Oh, Eve You know what? One day all of this will be yours.
Mind you here you're safe from the greek gods.
Gabrielle's happy.
Place is loaded with baby sitters.
Could work.
What are you doing, sneaking around here? I thought that if I could sneak up on you I could prove to you that I could be your new sidekick.
I know I can do it.
I mean, I can fight! I can jump! And I can do 30 of these things.
But can you clean? Come on, pervert! Ok.
I'm comin'.
I'm comin'.
Ok.
Hold on.
I don't think I can fit -Queen Gabrielle! -Not tonight.
For spying on naked amazons I sentence you to one day in that block.
Counting time already served you may be released after lunch.
You said, yourself, that it was important that we respect tradition.
Tradition is important.
You are ignoring what the ancient amazon code says about traditional punishment for spying on amazons while they bathe.
I wouldn't want to ignore the code.
What is the prescribed punishment? "If a male should look on an amazon's natural grace without her permission, he shall lose an eye.
" Wait a minute.
I'm attached to my eyes.
Both of 'em.
Yep Whittlin' is fun.
It'll be perfect.
A few hides of fresh kill hangin' by the door A big mushroom garden A practice dummy out back A weapons rack by the fire Cooking spit big enough to roast a whole side of beef What more could any amazon want? If I was an amazon.
She's a little overzealous, Eve, but at least the place will be clean.
Xena Joxer's going to be blinded.
Nah, that's just a myth.
Guys don't really go blind from doing that.
No under the law.
The punishment for seeing an amazon naked is losing an eye.
As queen, I have to enforce that.
I see.
That's a terrible problem.
You cleaned this place.
Xena, that's great.
You're really trying to make it work, aren't you? -I can too.
-Well Look, Joxer's had enough.
Just let him off the hook, ok? I'm onto it.
Itch.
Which one of you, brats, threw that? Pervert! Loser! Fat creep! Why, you little! Hey! If I ever get out of these stocks, you're dead! You hear me?! Dead! Why'd you do it? Why'd you spy on us while we were bathing? Well What, are you kidding? How could I not look? I noticed.
You're the first man I've ever been near who wasn't trying to kill me, and the first to see me undressed.
Oh, listen.
I'm really sorry about that.
I know I shouldn't 'a done it.
And did you? I mean Was I pleasing? You're very healthy, you know For a girl.
You know? Would you wanna make a baby with me? -What?! -Will you help? Wait a minute! You want me to -make a -Right.
Will you? Of course not! Hey, listen! We're not just machines you know you can use to Besides, you know We can't just do it on command.
We need stuff like cheap motel rooms and dirty pictures and lingerie Stuff like that.
We're not animals! But I can get those things! Gabrielle's ready for the queen's robes.
-Not in my opinion.
-Cyane, look.
I know you're disappointed.
If Gabrielle and Xena hadn't come along these robes would probably be yours.
And they should be.
I'm the one who took the name of our ancient queen and I'm ready to follow in her footsteps.
And there's not a braver, more devoted sister in the whole tribe.
That's why I know you're gonna do the right thing, and support gabrielle.
All right, Eve.
I want you to be a good girl, all right? I won't be very long.
Yeah.
-Xena! Where are you going? -Hunting alone.
Then it's lucky we caught you.
Why? Well, we're in charge of staging the dance for Gabrielle's coronation.
-Congratulations.
-Thanks.
But we were kinda hopin' that you'd be in it too.
After all, you're her best friend and until I came along, she was your closest, most loyal companion, right? What did you say? Don't you wanna help make this the most special day of her life? Yes.
-Hey! What was that for? -For being a peeping tom.
Hey, it's not my fault if a bunch 'a half-naked women are bathing and I just happen to be standing there watching them from the bushes for a really long time.
Hey! When's this all gonna end? When I can figure out how to get you out of here.
You're the queen.
Why don't you pardon me? It's not that easy.
There are traditions at stake.
"It's not that easy.
There are traditions at stake.
" Well, how 'bout the tradition of not having your pal's eyes gouged out? Don't be such a baby.
Maybe there's a loophole in the amazon scroll.
-Don't go anywhere.
-Don't? How do you like that? Look -Thanks, but I've had enough.
-You can't quit now.
Sorry.
Hey Xena's a lot older than us.
She's probably tired.
Come on, guys.
Let's go practice at my place.
Hey You make that yourself? Xena, I can make a difference with this tribe.
You do understand that, don't you? I do.
You don't.
No, I don't.
Look, it's not that I haven't tried, Gabrielle.
Tried? Xena, I can dance better than that.
This is just not me, all right? This whole place, the shared meals, communal bathing, group laundry day All this togetherness is making me sick.
I can hardly breathe.
You never intended to stay, did you? You know, I think that maybe me and Eve should go away for a while up north, where the salmon are running, some good weather, do some fishing.
That's probably a good idea.
It is.
You really think so, don't you? Yeah, I do.
So I'll head back and get some things together.
Then after the coronation, Eve and I are outta here.
Amazon law If I can find it.
-Look! There's Xena! -Hey, Xena, wait up! Could you teach us that yelling thing you do? And how does that chakram thing work? Joxer -I think I have something.
-What? Ok It says in the amazon scrolls that if an accused man pledges allegiance to the queen he may be pardoned for a first offense.
Ok, great, well Whatever you do, do it quick.
Dinner tonight is spaghetti and eyeballs.
Mine.
You're always over-reacting.
Hey, are you aware that girl, Rhea, wants to have my baby? And you're delusional.
Joxer, listen.
Next time you see me, you have to pledge your undying, eternal allegiance to me.
Hey, pledge this, deer.
Queen Gabrielle, it's time for the full moon ceremony.
Hooray.
For ceremonies.
Great.
No animals are going to be harmed in this ritual, are they? I mean, I'm not drinking blood or anything? Nothing like that.
Good.
-Now, we take off your clothes.
-Excuse me? We can't cover the rest of your body while you're still wearing clothes.
I don't think I'm familiar with this ritual.
As queen, you must pay tribute to the full moon.
In mud? You must show the glory of your form to Sister Moon so that she will smile on you.
It will bring us great good fortune.
It's an important amazon tradition.
Right.
Well, then, for tradition's sake.
What's next? Sister Wolf must talk to the moon.
What was that? Hello! I'm sorry! How long does Sister Wolf howl at Sister Moon? Till Sister Sun chases Sister Moon away.
-What? -The tradition! All right.
All right.
Hate it when that happens.
I have to work out a few kinks but ya gotta admit, those were pretty cool flips.
Yeah, they were pretty cool.
What about the war cry? It kind of sounded like a yak in labor.
Well, I can work on it.
Xena Now that you and Gabrielle are broken up you definitely need a new travelling partner.
No, no, hang on.
See, Gabrielle and I have only separated for a couple of weeks just so we can work things out.
So I'm gonna get a few things together.
Can you look after Eve? -Oh, yeah.
Sure.
-There you go.
Won't be long.
Hi.
-Now.
-Oh, Queen Gabrielle! Yes? Hearken unto me! I have done wrong! I pledge my eternal allegiance to you! Then I guess you won't mind if I do this.
Or this? Or this? No! Thank you, my queen.
I'll take it into consideration.
Hello.
Oh, hello.
Hi there.
Remember me? Joxer's the name.
J-O-X-E-R.
"X" is for "extra super sexy".
Ok, please.
Ok, please.
Don't cut 'em.
I need 'em both.
Oh, boy! I took the liberty of packing some of my stuff for the trip.
The trip? If you only want me for a couple of weeks I can live with that.
It'll be a great experience and who knows what'll develop.
Eris, I'm not looking for a sidekick temporary or otherwise.
I'm sorry.
Come on, Eve.
I took out some of those scrolls over there to make room for some of my stuff.
I didn't know what you wanted to do with them.
I think they belong to Gabrielle.
Ok.
Thanks.
I'll get 'em.
You wanna hear a story? Let's have a look.
Hey "Return of Callisto".
This'll be a good one.
"I sing of the wrath of Callisto, the pain of Gabrielle, and the courage of Xena and the inevitable mystery of a frienship as immortal as the gods.
" So How do we start? What? You don't find me attractive? No.
You're You know, you're very attractive.
I just don't think this is gonna work.
Look, you're a pagan.
I'm a zoro-astrian.
-How will we raise our kids? -Just ell me what to do and we'll see.
So How do we start? Well, first would be a kiss.
On the lips? Good place to start.
How was that? Pathetic, actually.
But just remember these words.
Practice, practice, practice.
So, what do you think? Better.
Better.
It's time to punish the blasphemer.
Before we do that, there's something I wanna point out.
He pledged his allegiance to me.
It says here -You're gonna pardon him -Yes.
The code says I can forgive a first offense.
I choose to do that.
Very well.
I'll release him.
Oh, look, look This is not right.
-It's not working? -No, it's definitely working.
Look, you're a young kid tryin' to find answers too fast.
You need to find somebody your own age.
I can't take advantage of you this way.
Oh, how sweet.
No.
No.
Look We've got to stop this.
By tomorrow.
Rhea! What are you doing? It's called kissing.
Wanna try it? Stop it! Both of you, come with me! Oh, ok Ok, right in the Oh, here I come.
Just give me a sec Almost have it there.
Ok, honey.
One second.
Oh, ok, ok.
Ok, ok.
I'm ok Just a little more Hello.
Is this another ceremony I don't know about? This time he has broken the most sacred law of the amazons.
He was kissing Rhea out of season.
And who knows what else.
-Is this true, Rhea? -Yes, but it was all my fault! And for that you'll be banished.
But we can't show mercy to him.
It's not his first crime, so you aren't allowed to pardon him.
Our traditions are clear.
His crime requires him to accept the royal challenge.
The royal challenge? What's that? A fight to the death with the queen of the amazons.
Oh, is that all? Think, Gabrielle.
Think.
There's gotta be a way out of this.
What made me think I could be a good queen? Your heart.
Did you pack? Yeah, I'm almost done.
Listen, Eris found some of your scrolls in my saddle bag.
I must have left them there at the last camp.
You can leave them in the hut, Xena.
That's just it.
I can't.
I read 'em.
-You read my scrolls? -I always said I would.
I didn't think that Well? I think that anyone who writes like you can, who can find grace and meaning in everything that happens, she's sure to make a wonderful queen.
And that's worth sticking around to see.
So, what's this I hear about a royal challenge between you and Joxer? Joxer was caught kissing Rhea.
I have to fight him to the death.
It's amazon law, Xena.
There's no other way.
They're certain to want a good show.
-They're not kidding.
-Don't worry.
-You won't have to kill him.
-Why not? 'Cause I will.
Xena's got som'in' cookin'.
I know it.
Look, she's not gonna let me get killed over a kiss and she's not gonna let you be banished, either.
I'm sorry, Joxer.
None of this would have happened if I hadn't wanted a baby so much.
What's the big rush? I've never felt as strong as I do when I hold Eve.
It's like I could take on anyone, do anything for someone so helpless and sweet.
But having my own baby seemed impossible, till you came along.
Oh, I get it.
I was a sexual object, used and then tossed away.
A bologna pony.
A disposable stud.
All right! Look You're young.
You have plenty of time to have children, and you'll feel just as strong.
Thanks, Joxer, but I doubt if I'll ever find out.
Time to die, pervert! Remember our heritage, sisters.
Our custom are steeped in traditions passed down from as far back as the great Cyane herself.
To dishonor them is to shame us all.
Cyane is right.
Sometimes, the old ways are best.
In keeping with tradition, I'm invoking the age-old provision.
Allowing the queen's champion to fight in her place.
But that rule only applies if the queen's ill or injured.
It's at the queen's discretion.
Therefore I bestow my right to fight upon my appointed champion Xena! See? Told ya she'd have a plan.
Yeah, she plans to kill you.
Before we begin, I'd like a rundown on the rules.
In a fight to the death there's only one rule.
Someone must die.
Sounds simple enough.
Is everybody ready? Let the fight begin! I am Xena! The ultimate woman! Versus Joxer, the ultimate meatball! And I will crush his head like a peanute between the thighs of doom! Yeah.
Many call her Xena, the champ! That's right! But I call her Xena, the chump! Come on, girl! In round one, I will mash her between the jaws of death! In round two, I will crush her in the ultimate hold! -In round three -Kill the loser! There is no round three! No! No, you don't! Now I will penetrate his brain with the great wet willy! No! Not the wet willy! No! Doggone it! Oh I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
-Death to the pervert! -Not the pinch! What constitutes death? For instance, I just shut off the flow of blood to his brain! He's still moving.
Quite right.
We'll fix that.
How's that? I can still see him breathing.
His heart's still beating.
His heart's stopped.
The man's dead.
Our laws have been upheld.
The pervert is dead! Now step back, sweetie.
You tricked us! You pronounced him dead yourself.
Nothing says he has to stay dead.
-But our laws say -Should be changed when they make someone die for a kiss.
Or get banished.
Or get an eye gouged out for getting an eyeful of us.
All I wanted was to keep us strong, keep our heritage alive.
I thought that's what we needed, what you wanted.
My apologies to you and the tribe.
And I humbly ask for your permission to leave it.
Permission denied.
You love this tribe, Cyane.
They need you.
Especially since I'll be leaving with Xena.
Guess you won't be needing a new sidekick after all.
I'm afraid not.
Every time you turn his brain off.
Who dat? Who dat down dere? I bet they make Cyane queen at the next full moon.
You all right with that? Do you mean, will I miss being caked in mud, howling at the moon? -Well, will ya? -No.
I think she'll do she'll do pretty well, now that she's loosened up a bit.
Yeah, but she won't be as good as you.
-She'll look better in those antlers.
-And mud.
Where are we going next? Well, I had in mind a cruise down the Nile.
Really? Camel racing in Alexandria? I know someone we can stay with.