Bewitched (1964) s05e18 Episode Script

Sweetheart, do you know where my slippers are? Right there, my sweet, by your feet.
That's cute.
"Right there, my sweet, by your feet.
" That's what I said.
Just popped into my head.
Hey, you did it again.
Well, skiddy-skat, imagine that.
You're very poetic this morning.
Darrin.
I hate to burst your bubble, but I think I'm in trouble.
You're in trouble? Whenever I speak, every time, my words come out in rhyme.
Sweetheart, are you sick? No.
I feel okay, but my speech is astray.
Well, are you telling me you're talking in rhyme because you can't help it? That's right.
You're bright.
Has this ever happened to you before? Never in my life.
On my word of honour as your wife.
Can't you say anything that doesn't rhyme? I can try, you handsome guy.
I'll bet Uncle Arthur put a spell on you.
It's typical of his warped sense of humour.
No.
No, he's not the one.
He'd pop in to watch the fun.
What about your mother? Darrin, blood is thicker than water.
She wouldn't do this to her daughter.
Well, don't worry, sweetheart.
We'll find out what caused it.
In the meantime, just stay calm.
There must be a logical answer or my name is not "Samanswer.
" Tabitha, eat your eggs.
They're good for your legs.
Tabitha.
Are you still talking in rhyme? You bet I am.
Would you like some jam? Oh, no, thanks.
I'll just have some coffee.
I'll pour it myself.
Frankly, sweetheart all of this is beginning to get a little bit on my nerves.
It's also getting on mine.
But I'm sure that soon I'll be fine.
Have you been able to get ahold of Dr.
Bombay? Whenever you're in poor condition, you can never reach your family physician.
Why don't you give him another try? Calling Dr.
Bombay.
Calling Dr.
Bombay.
Emergency.
Come right away.
Daddy, is Mommy sick? Oh, no, dear.
Mommy's fine.
She's just talking funny, that's all.
Maybe Endora knows where he is.
Or maybe she knows what's wrong.
Mother, dear, please heed my call.
Your daughter's back is to the wall.
Sam, that's terrible.
Fiddle-de-dee, it's no fun for me.
Good morning, Samantha.
Dear little Tabitha.
What do you mean your back is to the wall? I'm having trouble with my words, and it's strictly for the birds.
She got up this morning talking in rhyme, and she can't stop it.
She can't? How peculiar.
I summoned Dr.
Bombay.
He didn't obey.
Dr.
Bombay is on vacation.
Oh, fiddle-de-dee, no doctor for me.
He's mountain climbing in Switzerland.
He's on an alp when I need "halp.
" Oh, Samantha.
Rhymes, yes.
But puns? No.
I'll find Dr.
Bombay and I'll have him give me a potion for you.
Oh, Mother, your consideration will be my salvation.
Oh, great galaxies.
But goodbye, darling.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
See you later, mater.
Well, I guess I'd better get to the office.
I suggest that you stay home.
Don't answer the doorbell or the telephone unless the phone rings once, stops, then rings again.
As a code to let me know how you're doing.
Okay? One ring, that's all.
Then I answer your call.
So long, little sweetheart.
So long, big sweetheart.
Keep cool.
It's hard to keep cool when you talk like a fool.
Frankly, Larry.
I find your making social engagements for Samantha and myself without consulting me in bad character.
That's not bad character.
It's my character.
Darrin, this dinner is not social.
It's a sugarcoated business appointment.
A little food, a little booze and a lot of business.
But why Samantha? Mr.
Durfee carefully pointed out that Mrs.
Durfee wants to meet the wife of the man who's personally handling the account.
I don't like the idea of Samantha being auditioned.
Why not? Sam makes a great impression.
I prefer doing business in a business environment.
And I prefer doing business the way the client prefers it.
Darrin, call Sam and tell her to line up a baby sitter.
Hi there, sweetheart.
I'm feeling fine.
I was cutting some roses from the vine.
Sweetheart, we're very close to landing the Durfee Dog Food account.
In fact, Mr.
And Mrs.
Durfee have invited us and Larry out to dinner tomorrow night.
Look, the door's open.
Gladys, that's snooping.
It is not.
Goodbye, sweetheart.
I think I "oughter" put the flowers in some water.
Mrs.
Stephens, come back.
There.
You satisfied? She's calling the police to report you for illegal entry.
Our only choice is to apologise.
Mrs.
Stephens, I know you're angry but please give me a chance to tell you how sorry I am for my wife's stupidity.
Mrs.
Kravitz is a frustrated international spy.
An open door to her is like a bag of peanuts to an elephant.
I understand the psychology, and I accept your apology.
Thank you.
We came to ask you to sign this petition.
It's to instal a traffic light on our mutual corner.
A traffic light is right, I'm sure.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
You're talking in rhyme.
What is it, some new kind of a parlour game? Yes.
It's a parlour game, and it's the most.
It's all the rage from coast to coast.
I never heard of it.
Neither did I, but I'll give it a try.
Oh, that rhymes.
I did it.
For a beginner, you're a winner.
Come on, Gladys, play the game.
Or else Or else Or else of you I'll be ashamed.
Oh, Abner, stop it.
Mrs.
Stephens, may I have my petition? Mrs.
Kravitz, I sincerely hope I didn't offend you and for your good citizenship I commend you.
Abner, come.
She wouldn't try it even once because when it comes to thinking fast on her feet she is a dunce.
- Oh, stop it.
Don't shove, my love.
Hi.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Tabitha.
Hi, Daddy.
Hi, sweetheart.
I had a close call with Mrs.
Kravitz.
She came uninvited, one of her favourite habits.
Samantha, I'm sorry it took so long, but Dr.
Bombay wasn't in Switzerland.
He was mountain climbing in Tibet.
I told him you have a Venetian verbal virus and he said this would knock it right out.
Hello? Yes, Larry.
Change of plan.
The Durfees are leaving town tomorrow so our dinner party's for tonight.
Tonight? I can make it, but I'm not sure Sam can.
She has a little virus.
I know I didn't mention it to you at the office, but Darrin, don't make waves.
I don't need to remind you that Durfee's Dog Food is a $2 million account.
Give Sam a couple of aspirin.
I'll pick you up at 7:30.
Change of plans.
Our dinner with the client is tonight.
Samantha can't go out tonight.
She's ill.
I'm hoping Boy, am I hoping she'll have a speedy recovery.
Dr.
Bombay assured me that this potion works instantly.
Over the lips and past the gums.
Look out tummy, here it comes.
Did it do the trick, or am I still sick? Oh, no.
Sam, what are we gonna do? Oh, I know what I'll do.
I'll return to Dr.
Bombay and accuse him of malpractice.
She went back to call him a quack.
Before dinner, if you don't get rid of this thing everyone'll think you're a ding-a-ling.
Fiddle-de-dee, you sound like me.
Mommy, Daddy, is something wrong? Yes, dear.
Something is wrong.
Would you tell me what it is? You tell her, as one W-l-T-C-H to another.
There once was a mommy named Sam whose speech got her into a jam.
Though she tried not to show it, she talked like a poet.
If you think I'm unhappy, I am.
That's funny, Mommy.
Sweetheart, I hope you're not getting all dressed up for nothing.
In case I'm cured by a last-minute miracle I have to be ready, don't I, "dearacle"? It's getting worse.
When Larry shows up l'll tell him you're in bed with a raging fever.
Honey, don't overdo.
Just tell him I've come down with a flu.
Sam, it's 7:25.
He's picking us up at 7:30.
Well, where's the patient? I want to get back to Mount Everest before sunrise.
Samantha! Dr.
Bombay is here! Good old Mother.
She's like no other.
Let's go below and start the show.
You know, Endora, there are very few witches I would do this for.
Yes.
I know, Dr.
Bombay, and we're deeply grateful.
Dr.
Bombay.
Oh, good evening, doc.
What a pleasant shock.
Good evening, Samantha.
Evening, Darby.
Durwood.
- Just get on with it.
- Yes.
Well, when Endora told me my potion had failed to work I graciously volunteered to come and examine you.
Well, can you do it in a hurry? In five minutes we have to scurry.
Is that your only symptom, talking in rhyme? Yes.
Plus emotional distress.
Let me Let me examine your elbow.
Her elbow? Because it's centrally located.
Yes.
You see, the elbow's connected to the arm bone.
And the arm bone's connected to the shoulder bone.
- The shoulder bone's connected to - Forget it.
Highly irregular.
She does not have Venetian verbal virus.
She doesn't have verbal virus at all.
That's what happens when a layman makes a diagnosis.
- Well, what does she have? - I'll tell you after I take a look at her with my amber corpuscular evaluator.
Which no home should be without.
Look.
Spots.
Just as I suspected.
Secondary vocabularyitis.
What causes it? Oh, we don't know, but there's a lot of it going about.
Same family as verbal virus, but the cure is completely different.
I'm going to give you a sound-wave injection.
Sorry.
Thanks.
Now say something, Samantha.
Speak.
Well, what should I say? Will my next sentence rhyme? It didn't! It worked! Darrin, I'm cured.
- So I hear.
- Dr.
Bombay, how can I thank you? Simply stay healthy until I finish my vacation.
And now I bid you all good night.
There goes a great doctor and a great warlock.
And I always say, "Show me an executive with an intelligent wife and I'll show you an executive you can trust.
" I agree 200 percent.
And your wife is not only intelligent, she's also charming and attractive.
That's very gracious of you, Mr.
Durfee.
Now that we're through with the compliments what do we want to eat? How about five orders of Durfee Dog Food? Mrs.
Stephens, you said that in a spirit of humour.
But there's more fact to it than fiction.
Durfee's Dog Food uses only the finest ingredients.
Lean, red hunks of pure beef fortified and enriched with That reminds me.
When do you boys plan to tell me about the new advertising campaign? Oscar, please, don't talk shop.
This is a party.
She doesn't want to mix business with pleasure.
Mr.
Durfee, your wife's a treasure.
Oh, that's cute.
I might as well warn you.
I'm going to be hard to convince that there's something more effective than: "Serve Durfee's Dog Food to Rex and Rover and their eating troubles will be over.
" Please, let's change the subject.
Where did you get that dress? It was designed by François Vale.
I bought it on sale.
Sam, what's with the rhyming? Who, me? Boop-doop-de-dee.
"Boop-doop-de-dee"? Say, who beside me is hungry? - I am.
- Me too, fiddle-de-doo.
Sam, will you stop that.
Me no can do.
Wowdy-woo.
Let's order.
Sam, I know you're trying to charm them but don't press.
Mrs.
Stephens, you've hardly spoken during six courses.
And when she did, it was always in rhyme.
Cute, huh? A little game we play all the time.
But enough is enough.
Okay, Sam? I said, "Okay, Sam?" Dear, don't you feel well? I feel groovy.
Anyone seen a good movie? There she goes again.
Mrs.
Stephens, will you please do me a favour and stop this? Yes, Mr.
Durfee, purfee-wurfee.
Sweetheart, isn't this a good time to check the baby sitter? I'll be back in a jiffy.
Dinner was spiffy.
I'm revising my opinion.
About what? I'd rather not say.
Mother, the rhymes are flowing like a fountain.
Tell me the name of Bombay's mountain.
Mount Everest.
He's probably at the top by now.
The top of Mount Everest.
It's now or "neverest.
" Samantha, you just made a mockery of my entire accomplishment.
You're a naughty witch.
Well, I'm sorry, Dr.
Bombay, but I don't feel so hot.
- I think I need a booster shot.
- You do? I hate to be terse, but it's getting worse.
Oh, yes.
Definitely a relapse.
I must have miscalculated.
It's not secondary vocabularyitis.
It's primary vocabularyitis.
I'll increase the dosage.
Oh, sorry.
Now, say something.
How now, brown horse? Oh, Dr.
Bombay, it worked! Forgive me for bothering you.
I'm back.
And I won't rhyme that with anything.
That's good, honey.
Never push a good thing too far.
- Hope I didn't miss anything.
- Not a thing.
We've been talking about Durfee's Dog Food.
I meant we just started.
I was just saying, a slogan that's been with the company for three generations isn't easily discarded.
Mr.
Durfee, don't you really think that jingles are outmoded? Maybe yes.
Maybe no.
I agree with you.
That's a very perceptive answer.
I think jingles have become outmoded.
I just proved it to you by talking in rhyme until you all got irritated.
Larry, weren't you irritated? No, not exactly.
- I was.
- So was I.
Well, come to think of it, you know, I was kind of irritated too.
It was awful, and I said it to demonstrate that how after a while jingles can get on people's nerves.
Mr.
Durfee, if you'll listen to my new campaign with an open mind, I'm sure - I'll listen.
I may lose an old friend, but I'll listen.
Tate, let's drop off the ladies and go down to your office.
I assume you have some artwork to show me.
Yes, sir, we do.
Oh, please, allow me.
- Oh, no, no.
You're my guests.
- No, no, no.
I insist.
Very well, Tate.
If you insist.
Thank you.
Just Larry's luck.
With the cheque he got stuck.
Sam.
Don't worry, sweetheart.
I'm just kidding.
- There you go.
- Good morning, beautiful girls.
- Good morning, Daddy.
- How'd you sleep? Magnificently, as befits a man whose advertising campaign was approved by the client.
I can hardly wait to see it on television.
Hello, Tabitha.
- Hello, Grandmama.
- Hello, Samantha.
Hello, Darius.
The pleasure of seeing you is rather vicarious.
Sam, she rhymed.
Mother, say something else.
Why, that's absurd.
I'll not rhyme a single word.
She has it.
Yeah, she does.
My beloved mother-in-law has secondary vocabularyitis.
Primary.
This is absolutely outrageous.
You must have been contagious.
You probably caught it last night.
I'll check with an amber corpuscular evaluator.
Do I have spots like polka dots? Yes.
Yes, I'm afraid you do.
Look, Mother.
You sit down and have some coffee.
And I'll get Dr.
Bombay as soon as breakfast is finished.
While he's here, I'll have him vaccinate Tabitha just in case.
How about Daddy? Oh, well, daddy's safe.
Mortals don't get primary vocabularyitis.
Let's hear it for mortals! Darrin.
Durwood, I do not like the way you gloat so I'm turning you into a billy goat.
Mother! How could you? Like this, my darling miss.
You just turn him back.
I will.
I will.
But when I'm cured, and not until.
Oh, now, sweetheart.
Don't you worry.
Just as soon as I can, I'll get Dr.
Bombay and everything will be back to normal.
I want to ride the billy goat.
Tabitha, this is your father.
Funny Daddy.