Buffy the Vampire Slayer s05e18 Episode Script

- Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": - Your sister took my Key, Dawnie, and she won't give it back.
I betyou know where she put it.
"They had to be certain the Slayer would protect it with her life.
" "So they sent the Key to her in the form of a sister.
" Let Glory understand this: I won't help her find the Key.
I'd never do that to an innocent.
- An innocent? - It's not a person.
- What about the Key? - He indicated that it was a person.
Oh, God, no.
I love you.
The only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.
You are not my boyfriend! - I got the impression she was a - Robot.
- Yeah, robot.
- She's a robot.
I made her to love me.
I didn't make a toy.
- I made a girlfriend.
- I'm placing an order.
- I'm not making any more girls.
- Sure you are.
Here's your specs.
Mom? What are you doin'? Mommy? We commend to Almighty God our sister, Joyce Summers.
- But it's tomorrowthat I'm worried about.
- What's tomorrow? That's exactly what I don't know.
- Giles, you don't have to help.
You cooked.
- Come on.
I quite like to cook.
- Helping you two out makes me feel useful.
- Wanna clean out the garage on Saturday? - You'd feel indispensable.
- Howtempting.
Dawn, get the plates from your room before they get furry and we have to name them.
I was, like, five then.
How's she doing? And you? I'm OK.
Well, some minutes are harder than others.
I'm so sorry.
All I can say is, it will get better.
It has to.
We're holding up, though.
You know, getting into a routine.
Good.
Routine's good.
In fact, I was thinking that we might return to our training schedule.
I don't know.
I was thinking about maybe taking a break or something.
Just ease off for a while.
Not get into full slay mode.
You were doing so well.
And you were great, helping me with everything.
I'm just starting to feel uneasy about stuff.
- Stuff? - Training.
Slaying.
All of it.
I just I mean, I can beat up the demons until the cows come home.
And then I can beat up the cows.
- But I'm not sure I like what it's doing to me.
- Butyou've mastered so much.
- I mean, your strength and resilience alone - Yeah.
Strength, resilience.
Those are all words for hardness.
I'm starting to feel like being the Slayer is turning me into stone.
Turning you into stone? Buffy Just think about it.
I was never there for Riley.
Not like I was for Angel.
- I was terrible to Dawn.
- At a time like this - No.
- you're bound to feel emotionally numb.
Before that.
Riley left because I was shut down.
He's gone.
And now my mom is gone.
And I loved her more than anything.
And I don't know if she knew.
She knew.
- Always.
- I don't know.
To slay, to kill, it means being hard on the inside.
Maybe being the perfect slayer means being too hard to love at all.
I already feel like I can hardly say the words.
- Buffy - Giles I love you.
Love, love, love, love, love.
Giles, it feels strange.
Well, I shouldn't wonder.
How serious are you about this? Ten.
Serious to the amount of ten.
There is something in the Watchers' Diaries.
- A quest.
- A quest? - Like finding a grail or something? - Not a grail.
Maybe answers.
It would take a day, perhaps two.
I'm not leaving Dawn.
Not with Glory looking for her.
Sure you can.
What's the deal? Some slayers before Buffy found it helpful in regaining their focus, in learning more about their role.
There's a sacred place in the desert.
It's not far.
But I can't go.
I'm not leaving you, Dawn.
If you have to go learn I mean, if it'll help you out, I think you should do it.
I can hang with the gang.
I'll be OK.
I love you, Dawn.
You knowthat, right? Yeah.
I love you too.
I love you.
Really love you.
- Gettin' weird.
- Sorry.
But it's important that I tell you.
Weird love's better than no love.
Some say it's better than the real thing.
Better than the real thing.
She looks good, but what about the rest? A little walk, a little talk Perhaps a zippy cartwheel She's great.
You'll be real happy, I swear.
She's got everything you asked for.
All the extra programming: real-world knowledge, the profiles on family and friends.
All the extra programming, right? The stuff thatyou wanted.
The scenario responses, you know, the special skills - All of it.
Now, you said I could leave town - Wait.
I'm not sure I'm a satisfied customer.
She looks a little shiny to me.
You know, a touch of Plasticine Spike? Spike.
She'll do.
He's getting stronger.
I'm losing him, I'm losing control of him.
You're speaking of Ben, Most Glamorous-Yet-Tasteful One? He stabbed you in your body.
Jinx is all right, Your Highness.
And we have the new knowledge that the Key is a human.
If time runs out on us and all we're left with is info, then we're screwed.
- Surely not.
- No, we're screwed.
Butyou are a god.
The sacred Glorificus! I'm a god in exile.
Far from the hellfires of home, and sharing my body with an enemy that stabs my boys in their fleshy little stomachs.
I'm in pain.
How can we help? We'll lay down our lives.
The Slayer and the Key are connected.
She's going to have contact with it.
Find out who's new in her life, who's special, who's different.
- Watch her.
- We can do that, O Thou.
I want to hear about everyone she has contact with! That girl has my Key, and I'm trusting you boys to get it for me.
If you love me get it for me.
- What's in the trunk? - Supplies.
Supplies? I was wondering about that.
Like food, water, maybe a compass? What about a book, a gourd and a bunch of twigs? - I don't think I'll be that hungry.
- They're for me.
This way.
You see the location of the sacred place is a guarded secret.
I can't take you there myself.
I'll have to perform a ritual to transfer my guardianship of you, temporarily, to a guide.
This'll do.
A guide, but no food or water? So it leads me to the sacred place, and a week later leads you to my bleached bones? Buffy, please.
It takes more than a weekto bleach bones.
So, how's it start? I jump out of the circle, then I jump back in it, and then - I shake my gourd.
- I knowthis ritual! "The shamans were called upon to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around.
" Go quest.
And that's what it's all about.
Whatyou searching for, Slayer? A weak spot? Try me.
Give me the bestyou've got.
- Is thatyour best, Slayer? - No.
- Why not? - I wanna hurtyou, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body.
Maybe I should repay you for your gentleness and letyou go.
No! No, Spike.
Never let me go.
You know you should be afraid of me.
I'm bad.
You are.
You're very, very bad.
- Are you gonna do it that way? - No.
This way.
You can't do it.
I could never do it.
I'm helpless againstyou, you fiend.
Buffy Hello, kitty.
I knowthis place.
OK.
Morning spell's all set.
So we're all protected up for the night? It's probably not as good as Willow could do.
She's a natural with magic.
In just the time I've known her, she's already blown right past me.
So when the whizz kid finishes chem lab, can you have her bulk up the spell a little? If you want, maybe, while Anya and I go do a quick patrol? I don't see why we have to patrol just cos Buffy's away.
I'd rather watch television.
Willow wants to watch this thing on the History Channel.
Salem witch trial stuff, which will only get her upset.
I was there.
It wasn't that bad.
If you were a witch, you could do a spell to escape.
So it was only bad for the falsely accused, and, well, they never have a good time.
So, guys, if this is a real slumber party, where's the pizza? You're evil.
And that excites you? It excites me, it terrifies me I try so hard to resistyou, and I can't.
Yeah? Darn your sinister attraction.
- Are you afraid of me? - Yes.
You know I can't bite you.
I think you can.
I think you can if I letyou, and I want to letyou.
I wantyou to bite me and devour me until there's no more.
Like this? - Spike, devour me! - All right.
Spike, I can't help myself.
I love you.
You're mine, Buffy.
- Should I start this program over? - No programs.
Don't use that word.
Just be Buffy.
It's got last week's notes too.
Get it backto me by Thursday.
And don't write in it, or put a coffee mug down on it or anything.
And don't spill.
OK.
And don't fold the page corners down.
Bye! - Time to slay.
- Yeah Vampires of the world, beware.
Hey there! - Buffy.
- Xander! And Anya! - How is your money? - Fine.
Thank you for asking.
Isn't it a beautiful night for killing evil things? - I guess.
- You're back very early.
Yeah, how was the whole vision-quest experience? I don't understand that question.
But thank you for asking.
You're my friend, and a carpenter.
- Are you all right? You're all - Wait up! Spike! It's Spike.
And he's wearing a coat.
Yes.
Hello, all.
Buffy's back early, I see.
Lots of patrolling all round tonight, then, is it? Give a fella a break, there, Slayer.
I'm glad you're all here, cos the place is crawling with vamps tonight.
Tons of'em.
I think we ought to split up.
We haven't seen any vamps.
Are you sure? - You're right.
- Yep, guess so.
Spike, be careful! No! Get away from him.
I thinkthat was probably the big action for tonight.
You two can toddle on home if you want.
Buffy? Yes.
Spike and I will do it alone.
You guys head home.
I don't understand this.
I did the slaying.
I should be Satisfied? But I'm not.
I'm all My skin is all hot.
- Do I look hot to you? - Always.
You'd better feel me to make sure.
I can do that.
I breathed in, like, a quart of vampire dust.
That can't be good.
I wish Giles had told us they were back from the desert.
What went on there? You know, Slayer/Watcher stuff.
Probably some silly ritual with an enchanted prairie dog.
Whatever it was, I think she's still a little spacey.
- She fought OK.
- Yeah.
She never asked about Dawn.
That's true.
Something's wrong.
I hear something.
Spike.
You're the Big Bad.
You're the big bad! Those darn Salem judges, with their less-satanic-than-thou attitudes.
Honey, let's change it.
The Discovery Channel has koala bears.
- Where's Dawn? - In the bedroom.
She fell asleep.
- Good.
- What's goin' on? - Buffy's gone insane.
- What? What'd she do? - Brace yourself.
You're not gonna believe it.
- Before we jump all over her, people do strange things when someone they love dies.
When I lost my mother, I did dumb stuff, like lying to my family and staying out all night.
Buffy's boinking Spike.
Well, Tara's right.
Grief can be powerful, and we shouldn't judge What, are you kidding? She's nuts! - Well, it's not healthy.
We all agree there.
- What can we do? In the movies, when they go crazy they slap 'em.
I'll find her and talkto her.
If she's losing it, we gotta help her before she gets hurt.
You aren't really gonna slap her, are you? No, but if I see her straddle Spike again, I will definitely knock myself unconscious.
Hello? Who's there? Who's that? Down there.
And, no matter what, don't come out till I getyou, OK? OK.
It's you.
I saw you, in the cemetery with Buffy.
Yeah? Can't see how it's any business of yours.
It is my business, because Buffy's my friend.
She's gone through some stuff that affected her, and you're taking advantage of her.
She's upset about her mum.
And if she turns to me for comfort, well, I'm not gonna deny it to her.
- I'm not a monster.
- Yes, you are a monster.
Vampires are monsters.
They make monster movies about them.
Well, yeah, you got me there.
Spike, Buffy has lots of friends, and we love her very much, and we'll do whatever it takes to protect her.
If that means killing you, then, well, that's just a bonus.
Gentlemen! I'm so sorry to intrude, but I wondered if I might beg a moment of your time.
Friends of yours? Guess not.
Tie his hands! Glory will want him restrained.
- Let me go! - Careful with him.
- She will want the Key intact.
- Key? Who's the Key? I'm not the I know you.
You're the first Slayer.
This is a form.
I am the guide.
I have a few questions, about being the Slayer.
What about love? Not just boyfriend love.
You think you're losing your ability to love.
I didn't say that.
Yeah.
You're afraid that being the Slayer means losing your humanity.
Does it? You are full of love.
You love with all your soul.
It's brighter than the fire.
Blinding.
That's why you pull away from it.
I'm full of love? I'm not losing it? Only if you reject it.
Love is pain, and the Slayer forges strength from pain.
Love, give, forgive.
Riskthe pain.
It is your nature.
Love will bring you to your gift.
What? Spike? I waited like you said, but then I missed you.
Spike? - Xander, did you? - Spike's gone! Buffy.
Come in.
It's late.
Everyone's asleep.
Wait.
We can talk out here.
Did Xander find you? He was looking for you.
He hasn't come back.
Anya sat up waiting.
I don't know where Xander is.
I haven't seen him.
And when I came out of the tunnel, Spike was gone.
I need to find him.
Buffy, this thing with Spike.
It isn't true, is it? You didn't, you know, sleep with Spike? No, I had sex with Spike.
I'm sorry if it bothers you.
You're my best friend.
I am, and I always will be, no matter whatyou do.
I'm just trying to figure out why this happened, and I think, with your mom and everything, everyone was being all sympathetic, and making you feel weak.
And Spike wasn't like that.
So, just this one time, you just did somethin' kinda crazy.
It wasn't one time.
It was lots of times.
And lots of different ways.
- I could make sketches.
- No! Buffy, there is something seriously wrong here! I mean OK, yeah, you've been with a vampire before, butAngel had a soul.
Angel's lame.
His hair goes straight up and he's bloody stupid.
OK Look, I just wanna help you.
- Let me help you.
- You're my best friend.
Yeah.
Again, I really am, but You're recently gay.
Guys! Guys, wake up.
Xander, I was scared.
Are you hurt? What happened? Guys - The demony kinds of guys.
Buffy - Yes, that's me.
The guys that work for Glory, you said they're like hobbits with leprosy? A whole flock of hobbits just grabbed Spike.
They're taking him to Glory.
- But he knows about Dawn.
- We have to get him back.
So how do we find him? I fight with weapons.
Yeah.
I got nothin'.
Let's hityour place.
We'll stock up.
- Tara, can you stay here and watch Dawn? - Of course.
I'm sorry, I'm just a little confused.
I'm full of love, which is nice, and love will lead me to my gift? Yes.
I'm getting a gift? Or do you mean that I have a gift to give to someone else? Death is your gift.
- Death - Is your gift.
OK.
No.
Death is not a gift.
My mother just died.
I knowthis.
If I have to kill demons because it makes the world a better place, then I kill demons, but it's not a gift to anybody.
Your question has been answered.
What the hell is that? Why is its hair that colour? - Stunning One, we believe he is - The Key! Really? That's fantabulous! And impossible.
He can't be the Key.
Because, see, the Key has to be pure.
This is a vampire.
Lesson number one: vampires equal impure.
Yeah, damn right I'm impure.
I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow.
Let me go.
You can't even brain-suck a vampire.
He's completely useless.
So, I'm just gonna let myself out.
Your Unholiness, we observed the Slayer.
She protected this one above all others.
She treated him as precious.
Really? Precious? Let's take a peek atyou, precious.
Sod off.
- He doesn't look very fancy to me.
- Easy with the lip! But if the Slayer protects him, maybe appearances are deceiving.
Maybe there's something on the inside.
What do you know, precious? What can I dig out of you? This is my house.
If we're gonna stop Spike from blabbing about Dawn, we're gonna need these.
The big guns.
Only not guns.
Shouldn't we have guns? Those are my weapons.
Give me something big and sharp.
Buffy, where do we go? Where shall we look for Glory? She's a god.
She wants the Key.
Yeah, so we should look? I don't know.
Why are you all looking at me? OK, you shouldn't have to know everything.
We need to rescue Spike.
Buffy, I think you have more weapons upstairs.
Why don'tyou go get those? And maybe change your clothes.
You know, something more fighty.
I can do that.
I'll be right back.
This has gone too far.
She thinks we're going to rescue Spike.
- What are we gonna do? - Keep him from talking, whatever it takes.
- What do we do with Glory? - Whatever we do, we'll need Buffy's help.
- Then we'll have to talkto her.
- Intervention time again? Yeah, cos what we need now is a sane Buffy.
Whoa.
Group hang time? That was quick.
Didn't seem like it to me.
Death is my gift.
Buffy, we need to talk.
- What's wrong? Is Dawn OK? - Dawn's fine.
Buffy, we care aboutyou, and we're worried.
The way you're acting, things you're doing - It's wrong.
- Wait.
This shouldn't be about blame.
- Blame? There's blame now? - No, there's only love.
And some fear.
Which is thrown by the you-having-sex-with-Spike.
The who-whatting-how-with-huh? OK, that's denial.
That usually comes before anger.
- I am not having sex with Spike! - Anger.
No one is judging you.
It's understandable.
Spike is strong, and mysterious, and sort of compact but well-muscled.
I am not having sex with Spike! But I'm starting to thinkthatyou might be.
Buffy, I saw you.
Anya too.
We saw you and Spike, with the straddling.
Spike's mine.
Who's straddling Spike? - Oh, my God.
- And so say all of us.
Say! Look atyou.
You look just like me! We're very pretty.
- Two of them! - I knowthis.
They're both Buffy.
No, she's a robot.
She acts like that girlfriend-bot Warren made.
You guys couldn't tell me apart from a robot? I don't think I'm a robot.
She's very well done.
Spike must have had her built so he could program her - Oh, God.
- Yikes.
Imagine the things - No! No imagining! Any of you.
- Already got the visual.
People, friends of mine, you're forgetting the most important thing.
Glory has Spike and she's going to harm him.
- Glory has Spike? - We were gonna bring that up.
- We were getting weapons.
- Grab 'em.
We're going now.
I have to kill him.
- We don't even know where to look.
- I know where to start.
I have a riddle for you, precious.
How is a vampire that won't talk like an apple? Think I can do you in one long strip? Enough.
No more.
I'll tell you who the sodding Key is.
Glory's Key-sniffing snake was about here when I killed it.
- You think she lives around here? - It's not a lot to go on.
- It's all we got.
- It's quite extraordinary, really.
Thank you.
But I think we should be listening to the other Buffy, Guyles.
She's very smart and she's gonna save Spike.
"Guyles"? Spike didn't even program my name properly! Listen, Skirt Girl, we are not going to save him.
We're going to kill him.
He knows who the Key is, and there's no way he's not telling Glory.
You're right.
He's evil.
Butyou should see him naked.
I mean, really.
OK, split up and spread out.
Checkthe priciest-looking places first.
Xander, you come with me.
Willow, Anya, sticktogether.
And Guyles Giles, you can watch it.
Is that better? Do you think you can try to talk again now? Good.
Because I'm tired of these games! "I need time.
I need a drink.
" You're a needy little bloodsucker, and it's not very attractive! So start talkin'.
Yeah.
OK.
The Key.
Here's the thing It's that guy, on TV - What's his name? - On the television? That show, the prize show, where they guess what stuff costs? - The Price Is Right? - Bob Barker.
We will bring you Bob Barker.
We will bring the limp, beaten body of Bob It is not Bob Barker, scabby morons! The Key is newto this world.
And Bob Barker is as old as grit.
The vampire is lying to me.
Yeah, but it was fun.
And guess what, bitch.
I'm not telling you jack.
You're never gonna getyour sodding Key, cos you might be strong, but in our world, you're an idiot.
I am a god.
The god of what? Bad home perms? Shut up! I command you, shut up! Yeah, OK.
Sorry, but I just had no idea that gods were such prancing lightweights.
Mark my words, the Slayer is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass backto whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion-victim ex-god like you.
- Good plan, Spike.
- Bring him back.
Here! Oh, God.
You do not insult Glory by escaping.
The Slayer! Buffy, we're here.
Spike! Spike's in there! Buffy! - The Slayer was there.
- A lethal fighter.
- She seemed to be everywhere! - She had friends.
With weapons.
They may have been demons.
And where's my vampire? Is it weird? Yeah.
At least it's not a very good copy.
I mean, look at it.
Yeah.
What did you guys do with Spike? Please let the story have a dusty ending.
- We dumped him in his crypt.
- Tried to find out if he'd told her anything, but he was too badly beaten to make much sense.
Even if he told her, he'd just lie to us about it anyway, right? Yeah, you can count on it.
But I have to know.
Now.
If he gave us up, Dawn and I need to get out of town.
She could be on her way right now.
But not to worry, you know.
I'm sure we'll all be perfectly safe.
We're safe.
Right.
And Spike built a robot Buffy to play chequers with.
It sounded convincing when I thought it.
I think I found somethin'.
Looks very complicated in there.
Personally, I'd rather look at guts.
I found where she's broken.
Some of these wires got fried extra crispy.
It's an easy fix.
I mean, not that I would.
God, I feel kind of bad for the guy.
Gets all whupped, then his best toy gets taken away.
Xander, please don't be suggesting what I'd have to kill you for suggesting.
No, no, travesty.
Completely on board.
It's just the guy was so thrashed.
Spike! You're covered in sexy wounds.
Yeah.
I feel real sexy.
Where you been? I fell down and got confused.
Willowfixed me.
She's gay.
Will fixed you? I'd have thought they'd meltyou into scrap.
They were confused too.
Do you wanna ravage me now? Give us a minute.
Got some bones need mending.
Why did you let that Glory hurtyou? She wanted to know who the Key was.
- Well, I can tell her, and then you - No! You can't ever.
Glory never finds out.
Why? Cos Buffy, the other, not-so-pleasant Buffy Anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her.
I couldn't live, her bein' in that much pain.
I'd let Glory kill me first.
Nearly bloody did.
And my robot? The robot is gone.
The robot was gross and obscene.
- It wasn't supposed to - Don't.
That thing, it wasn't even real.
Whatyou did for me and Dawn that was real.
I won't forget it.