Hercules: The Legendary Journeys s05e18 Episode Script

Uh! There.
That should do it.
Can you hear me? Huh? You'll be all right.
Okay, put 'em up.
I'm not going to hurt you.
What is the point? I can hardly fight off a cold.
I'm just wasting your time.
Fighting isn't just physical, lolaus.
It's about outsmarting your opponent.
I mean, most battles are won before the first punch is even thrown.
So, you're saying I can use my head.
Yeah.
Great.
I can do that.
Now, I'm gonna take a swing at you.
Okay.
You're gonna block it just like I showed you.
Block, right.
Oh, darling! Hey, look at Sorry about that.
Uh, you were supposed to block it.
Yeah, I know.
I got distracted.
Oh, they look happy, though, don't they? Yeah.
Looks like love is in the air.
Hm! And I think I know why.
All right.
You can come out now.
Mmm! Ahh! A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, and, honey, I'm the sweetest.
Hello, Aphrodite.
Huh! Hey! Huh? Roll up your tongue.
That's my sister.
Oh.
Sorry.
- Long time no see, baby bro.
- Heh.
And you, Curly from the Swirly.
Nice haircut.
- How you diggin' life on our side of the vortex? - Well, now that you ask Glad to hear it.
Herc, have you seen the Tribera Ruins? There aren't any ruins in Tribera.
Well, there's gonna be if you don't jam on over there.
Heard there's, like, a major mud slide heading their way.
I'd go with you, but I just had a mud bath yesterday.
Yeah, well, I can see your hands are tied.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, you want me to go with you? Umm, no, thanks.
Why don't you stay and practice what we were working on? Ha! You mean, getting my head Huh! Yeah, I can do that.
Um, could you do me a favor and Uh, lolaus isn't really adjusting well to this world.
You talkin' to me? Say no more.
Let me take him under my wing, show him the ropes.
Actually, I want you to leave him completely alone.
I don't need him any more confused than he already is.
Okay.
Here is where you, like, totally owe me an apology.
I'm the Goddess of Love! What could possibly go wrong? This is what I'm saying.
What's not to like? He comes from a good family.
Daddy, he can't keep his tentacles to himself! So he's a hopeless romantic.
You know how writers are.
Just because he spills ink all over the place doesn't make him a writer.
You're marrying Cedric.
That's final.
Father, he's a squid! - Well, nobody's perfect! - Ohh! I've never even left Coral Bay.
How am I supposed to know what I want from life when I haven't even seen what life has to offer? You may not understand this now, but your place is here with your family and with people who need you! Now, you're marrying the squid, and that's that! - Life's a beach, ain't it? - Who are you? Someone who knows just how it feels to be a big fish in a little pond.
It gets kind of claustrophobic, doesn't it? - Yeah.
- Ever disobey dear old Dad before? - Well, no, but I - But there's a first time for everything.
Why, your Romeo could be beach side, and you'd never know it.
Are you really gonna let Triton stop you from finding your dream man? Maybe you're right.
Of course I am.
And I happen to have a first-class ticket down lover's lane with your name on it.
There's just one little catch.
- Ready? - Uh, wait, wait.
Um, are you sure this is gonna work? Trust me.
I'm a goddess.
Here goes.
Hold on, hold on! Have you ever done this before? No.
But there's a first time for everything, all right? Now, this is it.
Okay, just-just-just one more thing.
What if I wanna go back? To what? To life with Mr.
Tentacles in a three-bedroom shell with a pink coral fence and a two-seahorse garage? Since you put it that way, I'm ready.
- Wait.
I almost forgot.
- What is the holdup? Get wet and you'll have quite a "tail" to tell.
Pun intended.
Got it.
Forgive me, Father, for what I'm about to do, but I'm not a little guppy anymore.
Ooh! Wow! Uh! Thank you, Discord! Hm! Ohh! Hmm.
A word of advice: Learn to walk before you run.
Good thinking.
Hook, line and sinker.
Ooh! This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one man dared to challenge their power Hercules.
Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.
He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods.
But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules.
Hail! How's that for gratitude? I offer to keep you company, and he insults me.
My own brother.
Can you believe it? Well, I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it.
What's with you? Why can't you look at me? It's just I'm not used to seeing so much of you.
Well, get used to it, sweet pea, 'cause I travel light.
Heh! Goddess of Love, huh? Mm-hmm.
What's it like? It's pretty cool.
I get to travel a lot.
I'm my own boss.
No.
No, no.
I mean, love.
You mean, you've never been in love? Why didn't you say so? I'd be happy to help you out.
Ohh! - Oh, baby! - N-No! Aphrodite, get her off! Ah, that's your job.
Aah! I can't breathe! Hi.
Creep! Uh! Not your type, huh? Well, how about him? Umm Aphrodite, I don't want to seem ungrateful, but that didn't feel like love.
You meanlove.
Yeah.
Ah! I thought you meant "lo-ove!" Ohh, you're so cute! A real, old-fashioned romantic.
I like you, lolaus.
With a little help, someone else will too.
Appreciate that, but, I want tofall inlove.
I don't want you to drop it on me.
No problem.
Excuse me, sir? Ehh Huh? Hi.
I'm new in town and I was wondering, would you please be my friend? Look, mates! - Ain't got a stitch on! - Shameful! Simply shameful! Oramus, come here! You've gotta see this! What a show! Not much of a novelty.
Aww! Get your halibut here! Eww! Uh! This place can't be good for my pores.
lolaus! Thank the gods you've come! Where's Hercules? Uh, he'll be back in a moment.
Never mind.
I'm sure you can handle them yourself.
Them who? Themthem.
Brutus's goons.
He sends them out to collect his so-called property tax.
If we don't pay, they start breaking bones! Ohh! Oh! From the look of things, you've got some very brave people around here.
Not really.
Even if we pay, they still beat us.
Oh, okay, well, uh, seeing as it doesn't make any difference what we do, uh, bye! - Wait! Don't you see? This is your big chance.
- To do what? - Change to an all-knuckle diet? - Who are you talking to? No, to be a hero.
If you beat these guys up, you'll have your pick of any chick in town.
What good'll that do if I have to carry my head round on a date? Hah! Excuse me.
Say, what's wrong with this picture? Oh, I got it.
He ain't wearin' a cast.
Guys, uh, could we talk about this? That ain't gonna be easy when you're spittin' teeth! Yeah, good point.
Uh, I can see you got the brains in the family.
Heh! And what did you get, sir? Ah, I see.
The liver.
Well, I should be running away now, but my feet won't cooperate.
Oh! Aa-aah! Oh! - Ah! - Eww! Let me guess You're just giving 'em a false sense of security, right? No.
Actually, I'm just trying to savor my last few moments on Earth.
But I thought you knew how to fight! What gave you that impression? - I saw you fighting with Hercules! - That was my first lesson! - Help! - Ooh! Okay.
Uh, mm, make a fist.
- Aah! - Ooh! Oops.
Let's get 'im! Uh, whoo! - Did I do that? - Yeah! Hah! - Not so hard! - Oh, don't be such a baby.
If it hurts you, it hurts them.
Whoo! This is great.
Let's get outta here! Let's go! He's a one-man army! Save yourselves! Whoo! Yea! All right! What a workout! You're telling me.
I'm still getting palpitations from all the humiliation! Oh, buck up, little camper.
They think you're a hero.
Yeah? Too bad I know I'm not.
Who is that? His name's lolaus.
lolaus, huh? What a catch.
My, my, what a pretty little fishy.
Thank you, Brutus.
Pretty enough to eat.
Oh, please, don't eat me, Brutus.
Don't what? Eat me.
If you insist.
Playing with yourself again, Brutus? Hmm! Discord.
Discord.
- Discord, Discord, Discord, Discord, Discord, Discord, - Shut up! Discor There, there, my little potato head.
I didn't mean to yell at you.
I may be a big guy, but I have feelings too, you know? Of course you do.
And you know how much I need you, sweetums.
You do? Mm-hmm.
See, I can't get too directly involved here.
Poseidon is Triton's brother, and if he found out what I have in mind for his glorious oceans, he'd fillet me faster than you can say "fish sticks.
" But, ahh, ain't you already involved? I mean, you did give the fish-girl legs.
She thinks I did her a favor.
Mm-hmm! Now, if we can just keep her on land until the sunset, the seas will be ours forever! Hmm! But I still get to beat people to a bloody pulp.
Of course.
You know how much I love to watch you work with your hands.
Heh! - What happened to you? - It was terrible.
Terrible! He was like a human tornado! One man did this to you all? Hercules.
No, no.
The other one.
The man he travels with! The court jester? Please.
He couldn't hit water if he fell off a boat.
There's something fishy going on around here.
Some hero.
Wait'll they find out I'm a fraud.
Excuse me, sir.
You sure you got the right guy? I just wanted to tell you that I think you're very brave.
Oh, thanks, but actually, I'm Mm! A little, um, tongue-tied.
I think I love you.
Uh, miss, it's not that I don't wish I was the kind of guy that could take advantage of this situation, but, um, what you're feeling isn't love.
- Aphrodite made you feel like this.
- Who? Aphrodite.
Goddess of Love? Haven't you ever heard of her? You're not from around here, are you? Not exactly.
So where exactly are you from? Oh, it doesn't matter.
My home's a whole other world away.
So's mine.
To tell you the truth, I felt like a slave there.
Really? But I'm trying to let go of my old life and get on with my new one.
- What's your name? - Nautica.
Nautica.
Huh! Fish heads! Fresh fish heads! But shnookie-lumps, I swear we're just friends.
I catch you with your arms around a naked woman in our living room, and you expect me to believe you? She's a nudist! She was choking! Hah! Oh! Oh-ho! I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.
That's all right, my darling.
I didn't believe me either.
Hmm! Well, if it isn't the multi-talentless and easily inflatable Aphrodite.
What do you know? It's the Goddess of Skank.
Here to defend your title at the kielbasa-swallowing contest? Oh! Oh! Huh! Oh! Take that! You're the one who helped that little clown, aren't you? I knew he couldn't have beaten those men on his own.
- Ohh! Oh.
- Am I So what if I did? Eww, don't tell me those gorillas work for you.
I'm warning you, Aphrodite.
This is none of your business.
Skip town, sister, before things get ugly.
Oops! Too late.
Have you looked in the mirror lately? Enough! Fashion victim! Blonde! I love you.
I love you too.
Fresh fruit right here! Ahh! Observe.
Ha! - Ah! - Oh! Oh! - "Orange" you glad you met me? - Eh, let's water these fish.
What is it? Nautica, what's wrong? Uh, the water.
It's a new dress, and I didn't want to get it wet.
- Okay.
- lolaus, when you left your world, how did you know it was the right thing to do? Good man! Well, um Tsk! When it comes down to it, I guess I couldn't think of anybody back there that I'd miss.
Although, I think about it occasionally.
Do you? Well, what's to miss? Like I said, I felt like a slave.
I mean, what kind of father won't let his own daughter see the world for herself? The kind that loves her so much, he's afraid to let her go? You know what? You're the first man I've ever met who talked to me and not at me.
Can I ask you something? Can I kiss you again? Oh, no! What is it? Something I ate? Cousin Abernathy! What have they done to you? Nautica, are you all right? Ahh! Sure! It's just that I I used to have a fish.
And it looked exactly exactly like this one.
And I called it Cousin Abernathy.
Would you excuse me? I'll be right back.
Heh! What's the rumpus, Curly? Ohh! Aphrodite! Hey! I expect a little more enthusiasm from my fans.
I'm sorry.
It's just, I meet this beautiful woman, and we have everything in common, and just once I thought she'd like me for me.
Hey, I didn't have anything to do with it.
You mean, you didn't sprinkle her with whatever it is you sprinkle people with? Okay, now I'm confused.
I thought youdidn't want me getting involved.
No! No, that's great, that's great! That means she she really thinks I'm brave, and No, she doesn't like me for me! She likes me for the me that she thinks is me! The me that isn't me, I mean.
You know what I mean? Huh-uh.
Chill, Curly.
This is, like, a golden opportunity.
When those goons come back to rip the flesh off your face, you can stand up to 'em for real, and then you'll be the you she thinks you are.
Aphrodite, the me you think is me isn't me! I I have to tell Nautica the truth.
Fashion victim.
Me! Who does she think she is? At least I don't double as a floatation device.
Hmm! Don't sell yourself short, my little leather-clad licorice stick.
I can't take any chances with her around.
Get a grip, Brutus.
Hmm! I thought you'd never ask.
Mm-hmm-hmm! Ooh! No, you idiot! I want you to catch that fish! You all right? I'm better than all right.
lolaus, I want to stay with you forever.
Let's get married.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Nautica.
We have to slow down.
I mean, we hardly know each other.
I haven't had time to ask you what your favorite color is, your favorite hobby Blue.
Swimming! Oh, you know what I mean.
lolaus, don't you believe in love at first sight? When I saw you standing up for those poor people, I knew you were the one.
Oh, Nautica, I I have to be honest with you.
So do I.
I'm not the person you think I am.
I'm not who you think I am.
Ahh! Time to sort out all this confusion.
Now, which one of you's Nautica? So which one of you's the creep who beat up my men? Okay.
You are dead.
And you are mine.
Well, you're really asking for it this time, because lolaus went easy on you before.
Nautica, let's not try and upset the rather large gentleman, who obviously has his own zip code.
- Is that right, Mr.
Tough Guy? - Wha Time to teach you Ahh! A lesson.
Ah! Wait, that's it lesson.
The fight is often won before the first punch is thrown.
Yeah, uh, you know what? Eh? I would really hate to do this without telling you that your shoes are untied.
What do you think I am? Stupid? That's the oldest trick in the books.
I look down, and you whack me one! - Well, it ain't gonna happen.
- Okay, okay, okay! I tried! Run! Let's go! dddd Aah! All right, all ready! Uh! Those Sirens are like the dog whistles of the gods! Call 'em off! Thank you for answering my call, Aphrodite.
Any friend of Poseidon is a friend of mine.
What's up? It's my daughter.
She swam away from home.
You blew my eardrums out for that? Listen, my main merman, don't sweat it.
She's a kid.
She'll come back.
And could we, like, turn up the heat in here? It's freezing.
That's just it.
I can't.
When Nautica was born, my brother Poseidon gifted her with a heart so pure, it warms the seas.
If she doesn't return by sunset, the waters of Greece will turn to ice.
Bummer.
Nautica has no idea how important she is.
I should have told her the truth.
Instead, I tried to arrange a marriage to make her stay.
Did you say "Nautica"? That's great.
I just saw her in the village.
She's on the land? How's that possible? Discord.
I knew that scheming little skeezer was up to something.
Don't worry, Triton.
I know exactly where to find her.
She's with Curly.
Oh, no.
It looks like we left 'em behind.
You're amazing.
Only when I'm with you.
I wonder what they wanted with you.
Beats me.
Nautica, I Well, I've been thinking about what you said before, about love at first sight.
And I don't know.
When I'm with you, I I am the person I always wanted to be.
Well, then why do you look so unhappy? Because I'm afraid you won't feel the same about me when you hear what I have to say.
But I promise you, nothing will ever change the way I feel about you.
Heh.
Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that.
I've been looking all over for you! Now is not a good time.
Can we talk later? Was it something I said? No, no, no.
Not you.
You! - Youwho? - Meme! She can't see me, Curly, and we have to talk, like, pronto! Okay.
Uh, could you just wait for one moment? You lost them.
They were running really fast.
How fast could she have been running? She's only had legs for one day! Well, we're trying our best! And now, you're hurting my feelings! Yeah! You're hurtin' his feelings! Aah! Anyone else have something to say? Brutus.
N- N-No! Darling.
I know it's not your fault.
You're only slightly smarter than a cabbage.
Ooh! In fact, if you weren't more endowed in other areas, I would've killed you long ago.
Gee, thanks.
Shut up! Listen carefully.
I'm gonna make it easy for you.
Step one: Approach the girl.
Step two: Grab the girl.
Step three: Bring the girl here.
Got it? Hmm! What girl? Oh, yeah, right! And I'm a Centaur! I'm sorry, lolaus, but it's true.
She's gotta go back.
Have you taken a look at her recently? She is not a mermaid.
She has legs.
Yeah, which Discord gave to her, to freeze the oceans.
Oh, why would she wanna do that? Uh! Hello! Her name is Discord! I know what this is about.
This is about you! Me? Yeah.
I found love without your help, and you can't stand it.
Ah! So not, even in the hard-corest of ways! I didn't have to hang out with you today, but I did, out of the goodness of my huge heart.
Yeah! Which we could all see beating if it weren't for your skin! Put some clothes on, for the gods' sakes! That is it! You're on your own! Let the seas freeze for all I care! I hope you two are very happy! H How? He loves me.
He loves me not.
He loves me.
He loves me not.
He loves me.
He loves me not.
He loves me.
Blaah! What are you doing? Ha-ha! lolaus! My, my! Discord will be pleased! Nautica! Nautica! Oh, no! Here.
Why are you doing this? Tie her down! Discord! I thought you were my friend! Uh! What makes you think I care about your happiness in the slightest? - Why did you help me then? - Help you? There's no greater handicap than innocence, my dear.
But in way, I envy you.
Must be nice to float through life with your head in the clouds.
Yeah! Must be nice! - Time to pop the balloon.
- Paahh! Your father never told you the real reason he wanted you to stay.
If you're not home in time for supper, the seas will freeze, along with everyone you left behind.
No! No! Look on the bright side.
We can all learn to ice skate.
Okay, I can do this.
Flowers work every time.
Um, uh Here.
Aphrodite, I know I'm the last person you want to see right now, but, well, Nautica's been kidnapped, and I need your help.
Please don't punish her for what I said.
I know I didn't believe you, but, well, that's 'cause 'cause I love her, and I don't wanna let her go.
Did I mention you're my favorite god? Go on.
Uh, you're-you're funny, and you're, uh you're beautiful, and your fashion sense is beyond reproach.
And I'm a jerk for saying those things I said.
Come on, Curly.
Let's go save your girlfriend.
She don't look like no mermaid.
Think of her as powdered milk.
You just add water.
- Uh! - Then what are we waiting for? lolaus will find me, and he'll stop you.
lolaus would run from his own shadow without Aphrodite's help.
He's not the hero you think he is.
But I'm about to be.
What you're about to do, my pesky little friend, is find out how much love can truly hurt.
Get him! Aah! Now, now.
Let's keep this fight fair.
Uh! You want a piece of me, Elvira? What are you gonna do, love girl? Shower me with hearts? - Hi.
- lolaus! I knew you'd come.
Look out! Tramp! Tootsie! Trollop! You! Uh! Time to meet your maker.
Huh? I'm sorry, lolaus.
I tried to tell you.
This is who I am.
Hey, guys! She really is a fish! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Hey! That's my girlfriend you're laughing at! Uh! Ohh! Aah! Aah! Aah! Looks like you got a nasty case of crabs.
Huh! Heh-heh! Get these things off of me! You better hightail it out of here, Discord.
I don't think you wanna be too close to the coast when I tell Poseidon what you've been up to.
The good thing about being immortal? You always have time to try again.
Nautica.
lolaus! It's all right.
You don't have to say anything.
We should've been honest with each other from the beginning.
We were.
I meant it when I told you, "I love you.
" So did I.
That's why I'm gonna get you home.
Hmm! Nautica! Tell Triton he owes me one.
And don't be too hard on him.
He loves you, you know.
Thank you, Aphrodite.
This is where we first met.
If I'd had known that we were only gonna have one day together, lolaus, I still would've kissed you.
How about one for the road? I'm never gonna be able to thank you enough.
For what? For giving me something to fight for.
Are you ready? I'll never forget you.
lolaus.
Hey.
Hi.
So, how was your day? Oh, well, you know how it is.
I did a little of this and a little of that.
Ah.
Well, I ran into Aphrodite down the road.
Looked like she'd been crying.
- You guys have any trouble? - No, no.
Nothing I couldn't handle.
So, how about you? You've been saving innocent people, helping them rebuild their lives in the face of senseless tragedy.
Actually, the mud slide missed the village entirely.
I spent the whole day signing autographs.
Heh! - Really? - Yeah.
Go figure.
Huh! Hmm! Well, Hercules, if you ever need a day off, uh, I'd be happy to handle things for ya.
You know, roust a few bullies, kick a little butt.
lolaus? Huh? Are you sure you're all right? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm gonna be fine.
Huh! Yeah.
Hey, uh, lolaus? Why do you smell like fish?