Hot In Cleveland s05e18 Episode Script

I can't believe it's been four years to the day since we crash-landed in Cleveland.
We should celebrate.
Oh, wait.
We can't do this without Elka.
You know what's really strange? In four years, we've never been inside Elka's house.
Yeah, she always has some excuse.
"Oh, don't come in.
The place is a mess.
" "Don't come in.
I have a man in here.
" "Don't come in.
I don't like you.
" You know what? This is silly.
We should just go over there.
Yeah.
[Knock on door.]
Don't come in.
I don't like you.
Elka, come on.
We want to celebrate with you.
Today is the anniversary of when we moved to Cleveland.
I know.
You arrived, LeBron left.
Worst trade ever.
Will you just let us in? All right.
But don't freak out.
[All gasp.]
- What the - [Laughs.]
Wow.
Oh, my God.
All right.
Come on in.
How is this possible? The short explanation is the house is built over a portal to another universe.
But how does I could go into the exact whys and hows, but you'd need to read this book on string theory first.
- It's fine.
- We're good.
We don't really know how botox works either.
Oh, mein Gott.
We have visitors.
Oh, yeah, and the dog talks.
Why is George Clooney wearing socks and sandals? He's German.
Technically, ich bin Pomeranian.
I don't know about anyone else, but I could go for a driving montage.
Melanie, where are your manners? Opening credits first.
Look over there.
It's the beautiful Cuyahoga river.
And there's the Cleveland Indians' stadium.
And that must be Severance Hall, where the world-renowned Cleveland orchestra plays.
[Tires screech.]
[Grunts.]
Oh, no.
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is closed.
I think I have something that can open that.
So do I.
And that, ladies, is how you get inside The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
[Grunting.]
Hey, get me out of here.
[Wailing.]
Wow! Steven Tyler? Mr.
Tyler, I'm a huge fan.
Aah! Look at those hands.
Lady looks like a dude.
What were you doing in the trunk of Janis Joplin's Porsche? I got in an argument with Stevie Nicks about who wears scarves better.
Before I knew it, she cast a spell on me and locked me in a trunk.
And damn it, now I either have to grant you three wishes or be your Butler for life.
All: Wishes.
We want wishes.
Okay, okay.
I know everybody's first wish is world peace, so All: Eternal youth and beauty.
You all want in? - All: Yes.
- I'll opt out.
The secret to my happiness is doing the opposite of these three loons.
No problem.
You and I will pass the time together, right, cutie? - Dream on.
- Wow! So that's what rejection from a woman feels like.
Eternal youth and beauty for three coming right up.
[Scats.]
Oh, my God.
We're in Paris.
But why are we here? This isn't what we wished for.
Maybe we're finally going to Paris like we intended four years ago, when we crash-landed in Cleveland.
[Men murmuring, chuckling.]
Hey, we thought Cleveland was the ticket to eternal youth and beauty, but we seem to be hot in Paris too.
[Bell rings.]
Male narrator: The models came out in two straight lines.
The smallest one was 5'9".
- [Giggles.]
- [Moans.]
All: Aw.
We need eternal youth and beauty.
[Shimmering tone.]
What are these tickets? Ladies, follow me to the institute of eternal youth and beauty.
You're not an example of the work that they do, are you? Beauty is in the soul.
That better not be the lesson we're learning.
Walk this way.
What didn't you understand about "walk this way"? Bonne chance.
[Grunting.]
Nailed it.
Elka? Wilhelmina Wonka.
I'm your ticket to youth and beauty.
[Upbeat music.]
Who can take your wrinkles whisk them all away? Make your skin as smooth as if you've bathed in retin-a? The beauty man can you're really not a man But "woman" wouldn't scan.
[All gasp.]
Welcome to my world, a world of pure rejuvenation.
Fauna and flora designed by Sephora.
Hair extensions growing in the trees.
And should you find occasion for microdermabrasion There's sodium chloride crystals on the breeze is this real? A skin peel just by dunking my head in this fountain not just that, lose your fat at the top of lipo mountain the birdies in the skies have lasers in their eyes to zap unwanted facial hairs away All: yes, nothing can go wrong here in beauty land so in beauty land we'll stay A word of caution, though.
Don't let your vanity get the better of you.
For example, this river of pure botox river of botox, you say? Stop! Do you want the same fate as the real housewives of Beverly Hills? What's going to happen to them? Oh, we recycle.
[Saw blade whirring.]
Nothing goes to waste here.
We use their implants for toss-a-cross.
Hey, who are they? Those are the Mamie Sues, the little people who work for me.
All: Work with you.
Ongoing labor dispute.
Shall we continue the tour? An inflatorator? What does that do? All: It pumps and plumps your boobs and ass enough to put on any glass.
But it's still very much in the experimental stage.
Now, come on.
[Mechanical whirring.]
Ooh.
Someone's a bit handsy.
They're right here.
Oh.
Oh, I say.
Joy, this is unsanctioned behavior.
Look, I've always wanted this.
I just don't know how big I should go.
Oh! This is wonderful.
Oh, my back hurts already.
More! [Cackles.]
More! Whoa! Help! All: boob jobs, butt jobs silly silicone you're better off being flat and alone Melanie, tie Joy to your wrist, and we'll carry on.
- [Thud.]
- Ow.
Sorry.
This room contains the most cutting-edge revitalization technology in the world.
It's amazing.
Both: Oh.
Pills What do these do? All: Much stronger by far than any ablution.
For aging, this is the perfect solution.
I call it "the ever-younger stopgobber.
" I have a major announcement to make.
I want an ever-younger stopgobber.
They're not ready yet.
Ooh, a modelizer? What does this turn you into? All: A teenage model, a human coat hanger, the kind that makes fellows say, "I'd love to bang her.
" - I'm there.
- There are drawbacks.
I'm There.
The process destroys brain cells.
Oh, they say the same thing about wine.
- [Rattling.]
- [Grunts.]
I'm stuck in here.
You need to push.
Which way is that again? [Hissing.]
Oh, my God.
You're so young.
And thin.
You can eat anything.
Yeah, but I can't remember what.
Do I eat meat or am I a "vetenernarinan"? Oh, brother.
All: models are a vapid, boring breed you're better off just going to seed Oh, my God.
Joy's a balloon, and Melanie's an idiot.
Where are my chill pills? Oh, I feel better and younger.
I feel 40.
I don't want to be 40.
Stop.
Don't.
Look at her now.
Look, all my hand toes can point.
Oh, my God.
Look at me.
I'm bald and fat.
All: three failed stabs at turning back your clocks proves you dumb as a trio of rocks Steven Tyler, take us back.
This wish didn't work! [Wailing.]
Wow! [Playing guitar.]
What happened? You look as old as when you left.
Let's just say we had some problems, and leave it at that.
You know, we don't have to improve ourselves to be attractive to men.
We should wish they're attracted to us just the way we are.
Did you get that, Steven Tyler? We want men to be crazy about us.
Hordes of men hungry for us.
Drooling over us.
So you all agree that's the second wish? You want men to be hungry for you.
Coming right up.
[Inhales deeply, plays pitch pipe.]
[Wailing.]
Wow! What are we doing here? And where are all the men, hungry and drooling for us? [Glass shatters.]
[All scream.]
[Zombies groaning.]
[Door closes.]
I'm returning your corkscrew.
And by the way, there's a zombie apocalypse going on.
Well, they are hungry for us.
If there's one thing I hate, it's zombies and what Joy's wearing.
Really? Now? I think we should reason with them.
They may be undead, but they're still people.
Do any of you zombies want to talk about healthier eating options than human flesh? Ooh.
Ooh, my.
[Zombies groaning.]
Those zombies made some excellent points.
Also, I'm a zombie now.
[All scream.]
[The Walking Dead theme.]
Who would have thought you could kill zombies with Tae Bo? I did.
Do you know what the sad part is? No, Victoria, please tell us what the sad part about being attacked by zombies is.
Yeah, I'd like to know too.
[Growls.]
- Mamie Sue! - Sorry.
[Clears throat.]
The sad part is we have all these men that wanted us really badly, and they're all gone.
That's true.
If only there was some way to take these body parts and create the perfect man.
There are enough body parts here to make four perfect men.
But how would we do that? You could always go to Elka's secret lab.
Did I never mention the secret lab I have under the house? How long have you had this underground lab? Oh, forever.
My license with the city says it's a build-a-bear workshop.
In fact, before we re-animate our men, you have to choose one of these outfits.
$300 for a denim cap? That's where they get you.
Is everyone ready? Mine will be the most beautiful creature you've ever seen.
I didn't go for looks.
I went for personality.
My perfect man is nice, smart, and, above all, honest.
Robert Redford.
David Beckham.
George Clooney.
- Ja? - Not you.
Okay, but admit it's confusing.
Abraham Lincoln.
What? You know what they say about men with big hats? That's shoes.
Really? Oh.
You ladies ready? [Electricity hums.]
Hello.
Well, hello.
Hello, gorgeous.
I propose we form a perfect union naked.
Our men are falling in love with each other.
We found the perfect gay men? [Scoffs.]
We could have done that in L.
A.
Whoops, we programmed the men to fall in love with the first person they see.
De-animate them! De-animate them! [Electricity buzzes.]
[Electricity hums.]
My God.
You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
You got that right, Sundance.
This is fantastic.
It certainly is.
What could possibly go wrong? Nothing has gone wrong.
Well, kind of a mixed bag.
- [Giggling.]
- Ooh.
Nothing could ruin our happiness.
Nothing has ruined our happiness.
[Hissing.]
I need coffee.
Robert Redford snores louder than I did during The Great Waldo Pepper.
Sure, you can bend it like Beckham, but would it kill you to bend over and pick up a wet towel once in a while? You think you have it bad.
George Clooney's so hot to save the planet he put fluorescent bulbs over my bathroom mirror.
Well, now that we're getting everything out, honest Abe could cut back on the honesty a little.
Do you like this dress on me? Eh, it's not exactly giving me a Lincoln log.
So we didn't create perfect men after all.
It turns out even sexy, athletic, talented, political icons are still just men.
Maybe we're not being fair.
We couldn't make ourselves into perfect women either.
So maybe we should cut them some slack.
[Upbeat music playing.]
It's coming from the garage.
and I'm happy just to be alive Oh, dear God.
They've started a middle-aged man garage band.
Oh, yeah.
They gotta go.
Now.
But how do we get rid of them? I could eat.
- [Men scream.]
- [Chewing, gnawing.]
You ladies are probably starting to figure out that these wishes have catches to them, so I'm sure you'll be careful when you make your next wishes.
I wish LeBron never left Cleveland.
All right.
[Wailing.]
Wow! Welcome to Cleveland, city of champions.
That means they won the title.
Mamie Sue, you look fantastic.
And so does Cleveland.
A little confidence changes everything.
They say that in women's magazines all the time, but for once it's really true.
We should go to our bar and toast our amazing new city.
Excuse me, we're regulars here, so I don't think so, ladies.
You're not quite right for this establishment.
Oh, my God.
He just said we're not hot In Cleveland.
Cleveland is overflowing with powerful, attractive people now.
Even the Browns and Indians have won championships.
But the best part of being a Cleveland fan is the complaining about the teams.
Your wish ruined Cleveland.
We gotta go talk to LeBron.
[All gasp.]
Who dares approach the great and powerful LeBron? Hey, what's up, dog? King James, you need to fix Cleveland.
What are you talking about? I fixed it.
We're cool.
We win championships.
We even have our own Batman.
Don't tell them it's you.
Way ahead of you.
Anyway, Cleveland has pretentious food trucks and spin classes and hipsters and vegans.
You know what that sounds like.
Success? No, Los Angeles.
We came here from Los Angeles and discovered a special place, totally different from what we left behind.
And now it's all gone.
I miss the Fanny Packs, the chili fries, the jean shorts, and Marshall Tucker Band tank tops.
I loved complaining that you couldn't find anything in a size 0 here.
I loved being objectified, whistled at, and yes, once, in a dunkin' donuts, goosed.
And after all, isn't feeling good about yourself really just feeling better than others? Oh, do something, LeBron.
Forgive me.
Your words have moved me.
People say a lot of things about me, but I never want them to say Batman I mean, LeBron robbed a lady of her hotness.
I don't know why I just said "Batman," because I'm obviously not him.
Batman.
But what will you do? I'll move on.
I've recently had an offer from the Okinawa Lady Pantsers.
[Japanese pop song.]
- Hey, aren't you - no, I don't think so.
I know this city.
Cleveland won't mind if I leave.
Maybe they won't even notice.
This is perfect.
I already feel like the city is ours again, and things will be back to normal.
Good-bye, Cleveland.
- [Car horns honking.]
- [Overlapping shouting.]
[Car alarms blaring, explosions.]
It's okay.
Nobody knows we're responsible.
[Indistinct shouting.]
There they are! Get 'em! [All scream.]
All: Steven Tyler, take us back.
We want everything back the way it was.
We've learned our lesson.
Instead of chasing after what we don't have, we should appreciate what we've got.
Isn't that right, Steven Tyler? No.
That's not the lesson.
Well, then what is the lesson? Listen close and write this down.
[Scatting, clicking tongue.]
I was with you until "diggy-diggy-dah.
" As hot as you all are, you'd be the least hot women I ever slept with, except you, Elka.
That's the lesson? That's what I got out of it.
See you.
[Wailing.]
Wow! How do we get back? Well, according to String theory - Just do it.
- [Snaps fingers.]
[Exhales.]
Oh, my God.
I can't believe that just happened.
Now that it has, how can anything ever be the same? We can't un-know what we know.
My advice is to forget it ever happened or it'll make you crazy.
That's my advice to you too.
Hey, Elka.
Der schnitzel's getting cold.
I mean, "woof.
" Must've left the door open.
Welcome to my world, a world of pure rejuvenation, and should you find occasion for microdermabrasion There's sodium chloride crystals on the breeze is this real? A skin peel just by dunking my head in this fountain not just that, lose your fat at the top of lipo Mountain the birdies in the skies have lasers in their eyes to zap unwanted facial hairs away so in beauty land we'll stay