I Love Lucy (1951) s05e18 Episode Script
Paris at Last
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy.
" (applause) (sighs) Oh, Ricky, Paris- isn't it wonderful? You happy? I haven't a worry in the world.
That's good.
FRED: Mademoiselle from marmatish She hasn't been kissed in 40 years Inky dinky parlez vous, dum-dum.
(all laughing) Quite a village, eh, Rick? Isn't it great, Fred? Lucy, I'm so excited, I don't think I can stand it.
LUCY: Oh What a town.
Hasn't changed a bit.
Everything is exactly the same as it was in 1918.
Present company excepted.
Yeah.
Listen, Fred, I have to see my French agent today, so you can take the day off.
A day off in Paris? Hot ziggedy! You are coming on a sightseeing tour with Lucy and me.
Cold ziggedy.
No, Ethel, you and Fred take that tour.
What are you going to do? Oh, I kind of want to get off by myself- you know, feel the pulse of the city, get the true flavor of Paris.
Well, you can't go running around Paris all by yourself.
Why not? What about your French? What about my French? Well, Paris is a big city, and not knowing the language, you're liable to get into a lot of trouble.
Oh, poo.
When you first came to the United States, you didn't get into a lot of trouble because you didn't know the language, did you? I'm married, aren't I? What? She told me that "I do" meant "Pleased to meet you.
" And then she introduced me to the preacher.
Just a minute, just a minute.
What are you doing? I'm looking up the French for While you're at it, look up "I am lost.
Take me to the Royal Hotel.
" Oh, now, honey, what can happen? How can I get lost? I have my French dictionary, I have my guidebook, I have my map of Paris.
Don't try to fight it, Rick.
Just call the American Embassy and tell them to stand by.
All right, but be careful, honey, eh? I will.
Don't worry about me.
Just give me some money.
All right.
I think I'll just wander around, and who knows? I may discover an undiscovered artist whose paintings have never been discovered.
Sure, sure, you do that, yeah.
Well, now, that's possible.
I read about a man who bought a painting for $2.
98, and ten years later, it was worth $50,000.
Well! well, get me two dozen.
Here.
Here's 20 bucks.
Take this to the American Express office and they'll give you 7,000 francs.
I like this better than English money.
It's the same in dollars.
Oh, I know, but it sounds like more.
Okay.
Be careful now.
I will.
Have a good time on your sightseeing tour.
So long, Rick.
See you later, honey.
Bye.
See you later.
We'll go down to the Express office with you, Lucy.
I want to change some money and pick up the mail.
Okay.
Well, Fred, I can't go looking like this.
Why not? Well, look at my hair.
What's the matter? It looks all right to me.
It's up in curlers! Isn't that the way you always wear it? No, that's not the way I always wear it! We'll see you down at the Express office later, honey.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
It is pretty.
It is pretty.
Pardon.
C'est joli.
Le painting c'est joli.
Oh, thank you very much.
Oh, uh, you speak English.
A little.
Oh.
Are you famous? Not yet.
Don't go away.
I'll be right back.
Psst.
Psst.
Who, me? Madame is uh Madame is going in there to exchange American currency, n'est-ce pas? Oui.
Ah, ha.
There is no need for madame to go all that way in there.
I can do it for you right here.
Oh? And, besides, in there, they give you only 350 francs for a dollar.
I can give you 450.
Well (chuckles) gee, it's lucky I met you.
Ah, Oui.
I see madame has there a 20 dollar.
Yes.
I can give you, uh Oh, well, uh, just a second.
How come you can give me more than the American Express can? Ah.
Well, madame, it is very simple.
You see there this big building? Yeah.
They pay high rent.
I work out of doors, hmm? As you Americans say, no overhead.
Oh oh, well, that makes sense.
Okay.
Oh, merci.
Merci, madame.
Au revoir.
Oh, uh, I have some friends meeting me here, and I'm quite sure they'd like to exchange their money, too.
Ah, bon, madame, bon.
Bon? Bon.
Bon.
Oh, bon! C'est tres bon.
Ah! Evidemment, madame parle et comprend beaucoup de francais.
Huh? Evidemment, madame parle et comprend beaucoup de francais.
Well, there you are.
I just said, "Evidently, madame speaks and understands a great deal of French.
" Oh, I do, I do.
Oui, oui.
Madame, madame, au revoir.
Oh, but my friends aren't here yet.
Yes, I know, madame, but, uh I just remembered an appointment whoa, on the other side of town.
Au revoir.
Oh.
Oh, hi, honey.
Hi.
Hi, Fred, you just missed it.
I met the most wonderful man, and he changed my money and gave me 450 francs for each dollar.
A hundred extra francs for every buck? Yeah.
Where is the guy? He's gone.
Where is he? Oh.
Will he be back? I don't know.
Look, I'll give you half of mine.
Here, you give me $10, I'll give you Oh, here, thanks, Lucy.
Oh, that's awful sweet of you, honey.
That's all right.
Thank you.
Come on, we'll go and get the mail.
We'll see you later.
Thanks again.
Okay.
Have a good time.
That certainly is joli.
Thank you.
How much do you want for it? Oh, I never sell my paintings.
You never sell them? No never.
I could not sell my paintings.
You see, they are a part of me.
I could not sell a picture any more than I could sell my arm.
Well if you never sell your paintings, how do you expect to be discovered? It is always the same.
When I die, then I will be discovered.
Look I just have to have one of your paintings.
I'll give you 500 francs for that.
Oh oh, I'm sorry, madame.
This picture is my life.
It took me three years to paint.
Sell three years of my life for 600 francs? Madame, I told you, no.
I think I would turn down even a a thousand francs.
A thousand.
Oh, I'll take it.
Oh, oh, well, thank you very much.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Be very careful with it, madame.
Oh, I will.
You see, it is still wet.
Yes, yes, I will.
I'll go right to the hotel with it.
Oh, thank you so much.
By the way, what is your name? Pierre Charpentier.
You see, after you die and become famous, I want to be able to tell my friends that I discovered you, and that I have an original Charpentier.
Well, it's been awfully nice discovering you, Pierre.
Oh, it was wonderful being discovered.
Au revoir.
(chuckling) Come on, Fred.
We don't want to miss that sightseeing bus.
I'm coming.
I told him not to forward these Christmas cards.
Just a minute, Fred.
Bonjour, madame.
Bonjour.
Comment allez-vous? Je vais bien.
Voulez-vous prendre cette table-ci? Il fait tres beau aujourd'hui.
Vous etes tres bien.
Parfaitement bien.
Je vous en prie.
Merci.
Notre menu, madame.
Merci.
Je reviens tout de suite avec le vin dans une seconde.
Pardon.
Votre vin, madame.
Come on over, folks.
And here we have a typical Parisian sidewalk cafe.
Oh, there are hundreds of little out-of-the-way cafe houses like this in the suburbs, but here you see only the true native Frenchmen.
Hear that? "True native Frenchmen.
" Lucy! Hi.
Lucy? It's a small world, isn't it? Yeah.
Pardonnez-moi, touristes? Tourists? Je ne comprends English.
You do, too, comprend English.
Pardon, madame.
Pardon, madame et monsieur.
No individual sightseeing.
Oh, she's a friend of mine.
No, but I'm sorry, your bus is ready to leave.
Allez! Allez! Allez, allez, allez.
Les Americains, huh! Les Americains, huh.
Les Americains.
Madame, avez-vous choisi? Uh it is very difficile to choose here.
Oui, madame.
Permettez-moi de recommander les tripes a la mode de Caen.
Tripes non, non, non.
Non.
Ah, madame, alors, je vous suggere la specialite de le maison.
Des escargots de Bourgogne.
Specialite? Specialite de la maison.
Uh, si yes oui Good bon.
Uh uh, beaucoup hot.
Alouette, gentille alouette.
Alouette, gentille alouette.
Pardon.
Voici.
Ta-dah! Waiter, this food has snails in it.
Pardon? Snails, snails, snails.
Oh, escargots.
Mmm, c'est excellent, madame.
Am I supposed to eat this? Huh? I am supposed to eat? Oh, oui, madame.
Mangez, bien sur.
Voici.
Non.
Non, madame.
Comme ceci.
Si, si? Oui, oui, comme ceci.
Maybe if I had some ketchup.
Pardon.
Ketchup.
Sauce de tomates? Sauce tomate.
Tomates? Yeah, sauce tomate.
Lots of it.
I think an American cousin of yours ate my geranium plant.
(clamoring) MAN: Non! Non! Mais non! Comment! C'est impoli! C'est ridicule! Absolument ridicule! Sauce tomate sur les babas de Bourgogne! Jamais d'escargots.
Mais je si madame met du ketchup sur les escargots de Bourgogne je donne ma demission! Que veux-tu qu'on y fasse avec ces prudes Americains? Oh, ketchup! Nom d'un nom! Ca m'est egal.
En tant que premier chef a La Porte de Montmartre.
Je repete, si madame, Never mind.
met du ketchup sur les escargots, je donnerai ma demission.
All right, all right, all right, never mind.
Just give me my check.
Pardon? Just give me my check.
Je ne comprends pas.
Just give me the check.
L'addition, s'il vous plait.
C'est quatre cent francs, madame.
Huh? Quatre cent francs.
Oh, dear.
Non, non, non.
Je vous en prie.
Oh, 400 francs.
Why didn't you say so? Here.
Keep the change.
Pardon? Uh, for vous, for vous.
Ah, merci, merci.
(clamoring) Gendarme! Gendarme! Gendarme! Gendarme! Gendarme? Oui, oui.
Gerdarme.
Police? Oui, police, police, madame.
Police, police.
Since when is it a crime to put ketchup on snails? C'est de la contrabande.
C'est monnaie contrefaite.
C'est- I'm sorry- contrefait, madame, contrefait.
(waiter and chef talking at once) Police! CHEF: Police! Counterfeit? Oui, contrefait.
Ah, police.
Madame est venue ici avec de I'argent contrefait.
Contrefaite! Alors, madame.
(mumbling) Alors, alors, alors.
Qu'est-ce que c'est? Agua mineral.
Cet homme est paf.
Est-ce vrai? Yo hablo espanol.
Espanol.
Si, senor.
Parlez francais? No.
Yo hablo espanol.
Espanol.
Und ich spreche ein bisschen Deutsch auch.
Was? Sie sprechen Deutsch? Wunderbar! Ich spreche auch Deutsch.
Ich bin aus Strasbourg.
Il parle allemand.
Fichez-moi la paix.
Er hat was gesagt? Nichts- er hat gesagt Sie haben zu viel Wein getrunken.
Kommen Sie.
Kommen Sie.
I didn't know it was counterfeit.
Do you hear me? I didn't know it.
Now, I can explain everything.
Now, you listen to me, I am no crook.
I am an American.
Mais qu'est-ce qui se passe? Je ne comprends absolument rien.
Pourquoi est-ce que vous avez arrete cette femme? Not so fast now.
On I'a arretee en train de passer des faux billets.
Faux billets.
Faux billets.
Faux billets.
Voici son passeport.
Son nom est Ricardo.
Ricardo.
Ricardo Ricardo Ricardo Hey, that's me.
Ce passeport n'est pas a vous, madame.
Non, non, c'est pas votre photographie.
C'est pas a vous.
Now, now, I know, I know that is a very bad picture of me but that is my passport, and I'm sorry, I just didn't have time to get a better picture, but that is me- now, look.
Ah, oui.
Oui, oui, maintenant je vous reconnait.
Now, look, I demand to call my husband.
Quoi? I demand to call my husband.
I I demander I demander telephoner my mon mari.
Mari.
Mon mari, mon mari.
I telephoner mon mari.
Oui, oui, allez, allez.
Hotel Royal.
Look, my husband mon mari is a, is a big bandleader.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom boom, boom, boom, boom, boom! Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Monsieur Ricardo, s'il vous plait.
My husband- mon mari- is sort of a Spanish chevalier.
Chevalier.
Well, sort of, he is.
He happens to be Listen now Ricky? Ricky, I'm in the Bastille.
Lucy.
Oh, honey! Oh Are you all right? Oh, I never was so glad to hear anybody speak English in my life, even you.
What happened? Uh, I don't know, nobody speaks English.
They're all foreigners.
What What happened? What are you doing here? I was standing outside the American Express office and a man changed some money for me and it turned out to be counterfeit.
Then they tried to make me eat snails for lunch and then they arrested me.
If you say, "I told you so," I'll punch you right in the nose.
What's the matter? Won't they believe you? Well, nobody understands me.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, they're gonna send me to jail, honey.
Monsieur, parlez-vous francais? They want to know if you speak French.
I know, I know that.
Non, non, no parle francais.
Yo hablo espanol.
Espanol! Allez me chercher le poivrot.
Oh, tout de suite! J'ai une excellente idee.
Je reviens toute a I'heure.
Bien.
Tres bien.
What are they talking about? How would I know? They're gonna send me to the guillotine.
Now, you just take your time, honey.
Voici mon idee.
Je vous parlerai.
Vous lui parlerez.
Il lui parlera et lui, il parlera a la dame.
Allons-y.
Mm.
Er spricht zu mir ich zu ihnen Sie zu ihm und er spricht zu ihr.
El le va hablar a el.
El me va hablar a mi.
Yo le va hablar a ud.
Y ud.
le habla a la senora.
Ah, muy buena idea, muy buena idea.
Esta bueno, senor.
What? What? Very good idea.
What is? Oh, uh, um, uh, the sergeant only speaks French.
See, and now, this other cop here, he speaks French and German.
Uh-huh.
And this fellow, he speaks German and Spanish.
Oh.
So, uh, he's gonna ask the questions and we'll translate them to you.
Oh, good.
Good.
Bueno.
Sehr gut.
Bon! Ou avez-vous pris cet argent? Wo haben Sie das Geld her? ?Donde tomaste el dinero? Where did you get the money? Well, I got it from a man on the street.
but I didn't know it was counterfeit.
Lo me lo dio un hombre en la calle apero yo no sabia que era falso! Ein Mann in der Strasse geb es zu mir aber ich kann nicht das ist schlecht Geld.
Je I'ai recu d'un homme dans la rue et je n'ai pas su que c'est faux.
Ha! It's true! aEs la verdad! Das ist wahr! C'est vrai! Je dois vous prevenir que le maniement de faux billets est puni par les travaux forces en perpetuite! Ich mache Sie darauf aufmerksam dass fur das verteilen von falschem Geld straft steht, verhangend mit Fenster arbeit.
Yo le quiero hacer saber a ud.
Una cosa que el que falsifica dinero va a la carcel por trabajo forcado para toda la vida.
I want you to know something: That the penalty for counterfeiting is imprisonment, life imprisonment and hard labor! Eww! Eww! No, no, no, no! Now, this is ridiculous.
Do I look like a counterfeiter? aEsto es ridiculo! ?Yo me parezco una falsificadora? Sie sind verruckt.
Ich bin nicht mache Geld.
Est-ce que j'ai I'air d'un faux monnayeur? I am innocent! aYo soy inocente! Ich bin unschuldig! Je suis innocente.
Bien.
Si elle rend I'argent, elle peut s'en aller.
Gut, wenn Sie ihre Restaurant rechnung bezalht kann Sie gehen.
Bueno.
Si ella le paga la cuenta al restaurant ella se puede ir.
Good.
If you pay the rest of the bill, you can go.
Hooray! Ole! Wunderbar! Tres bien! El dinero aqui lo tengo yo.
ETHEL: We didn't know it was counterfeit! (clamoring) I got the money from my best friend.
Silence! Silence! Silence! Alors, alors, alors, quoi? Monsieur, cet homme il m'a paye avec de I'argent contrefait! We didn't know it was counterfeit.
Hey, hey, she's the brains of this gang.
She gave us the money.
(frenzied arguing ensues) Yeah, well, I don't care.
Ricky gave you your money back, didn't he? Listen, thanks to me, you got to do something that very few Americans get to do.
You got to see the inside of a French jail.
Great.
Thanks to you, we almost spent the rest of our lives on Devil's Island.
Oh Oh, come on now.
Won't you forget it? It's all over now.
Oh, he makes me so mad, Now, forget it.
blaming me for a thing like that.
All right.
Besides, I got, I got a surprise for you.
For me? What? I bought you a painting.
You bought? I bought a painting, too.
So did we.
Yeah, we got a genuine original.
No kidding! I'll go get it.
We'll see who's got the best eye for art.
Okay, I'll show you the one I got for you.
All right, I got mine right here.
Look.
Isn't that beautiful? Look.
Isn't that beautiful? For heaven's sake.
The man said he'd rather cut off his arm.
(all talking over each other) I paid a thousand francs! (orchestra playing closing flourish) ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: Those seen in tonight's show were Shepard Menken, Lawrence Dobkin, Maurice Marsac, Fritz Feld, Ramsay Hill, John Mylong, Vincent Padula, Rolfe Sedan, Trevor Ward.
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.
" (applause) (sighs) Oh, Ricky, Paris- isn't it wonderful? You happy? I haven't a worry in the world.
That's good.
FRED: Mademoiselle from marmatish She hasn't been kissed in 40 years Inky dinky parlez vous, dum-dum.
(all laughing) Quite a village, eh, Rick? Isn't it great, Fred? Lucy, I'm so excited, I don't think I can stand it.
LUCY: Oh What a town.
Hasn't changed a bit.
Everything is exactly the same as it was in 1918.
Present company excepted.
Yeah.
Listen, Fred, I have to see my French agent today, so you can take the day off.
A day off in Paris? Hot ziggedy! You are coming on a sightseeing tour with Lucy and me.
Cold ziggedy.
No, Ethel, you and Fred take that tour.
What are you going to do? Oh, I kind of want to get off by myself- you know, feel the pulse of the city, get the true flavor of Paris.
Well, you can't go running around Paris all by yourself.
Why not? What about your French? What about my French? Well, Paris is a big city, and not knowing the language, you're liable to get into a lot of trouble.
Oh, poo.
When you first came to the United States, you didn't get into a lot of trouble because you didn't know the language, did you? I'm married, aren't I? What? She told me that "I do" meant "Pleased to meet you.
" And then she introduced me to the preacher.
Just a minute, just a minute.
What are you doing? I'm looking up the French for While you're at it, look up "I am lost.
Take me to the Royal Hotel.
" Oh, now, honey, what can happen? How can I get lost? I have my French dictionary, I have my guidebook, I have my map of Paris.
Don't try to fight it, Rick.
Just call the American Embassy and tell them to stand by.
All right, but be careful, honey, eh? I will.
Don't worry about me.
Just give me some money.
All right.
I think I'll just wander around, and who knows? I may discover an undiscovered artist whose paintings have never been discovered.
Sure, sure, you do that, yeah.
Well, now, that's possible.
I read about a man who bought a painting for $2.
98, and ten years later, it was worth $50,000.
Well! well, get me two dozen.
Here.
Here's 20 bucks.
Take this to the American Express office and they'll give you 7,000 francs.
I like this better than English money.
It's the same in dollars.
Oh, I know, but it sounds like more.
Okay.
Be careful now.
I will.
Have a good time on your sightseeing tour.
So long, Rick.
See you later, honey.
Bye.
See you later.
We'll go down to the Express office with you, Lucy.
I want to change some money and pick up the mail.
Okay.
Well, Fred, I can't go looking like this.
Why not? Well, look at my hair.
What's the matter? It looks all right to me.
It's up in curlers! Isn't that the way you always wear it? No, that's not the way I always wear it! We'll see you down at the Express office later, honey.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
It is pretty.
It is pretty.
Pardon.
C'est joli.
Le painting c'est joli.
Oh, thank you very much.
Oh, uh, you speak English.
A little.
Oh.
Are you famous? Not yet.
Don't go away.
I'll be right back.
Psst.
Psst.
Who, me? Madame is uh Madame is going in there to exchange American currency, n'est-ce pas? Oui.
Ah, ha.
There is no need for madame to go all that way in there.
I can do it for you right here.
Oh? And, besides, in there, they give you only 350 francs for a dollar.
I can give you 450.
Well (chuckles) gee, it's lucky I met you.
Ah, Oui.
I see madame has there a 20 dollar.
Yes.
I can give you, uh Oh, well, uh, just a second.
How come you can give me more than the American Express can? Ah.
Well, madame, it is very simple.
You see there this big building? Yeah.
They pay high rent.
I work out of doors, hmm? As you Americans say, no overhead.
Oh oh, well, that makes sense.
Okay.
Oh, merci.
Merci, madame.
Au revoir.
Oh, uh, I have some friends meeting me here, and I'm quite sure they'd like to exchange their money, too.
Ah, bon, madame, bon.
Bon? Bon.
Bon.
Oh, bon! C'est tres bon.
Ah! Evidemment, madame parle et comprend beaucoup de francais.
Huh? Evidemment, madame parle et comprend beaucoup de francais.
Well, there you are.
I just said, "Evidently, madame speaks and understands a great deal of French.
" Oh, I do, I do.
Oui, oui.
Madame, madame, au revoir.
Oh, but my friends aren't here yet.
Yes, I know, madame, but, uh I just remembered an appointment whoa, on the other side of town.
Au revoir.
Oh.
Oh, hi, honey.
Hi.
Hi, Fred, you just missed it.
I met the most wonderful man, and he changed my money and gave me 450 francs for each dollar.
A hundred extra francs for every buck? Yeah.
Where is the guy? He's gone.
Where is he? Oh.
Will he be back? I don't know.
Look, I'll give you half of mine.
Here, you give me $10, I'll give you Oh, here, thanks, Lucy.
Oh, that's awful sweet of you, honey.
That's all right.
Thank you.
Come on, we'll go and get the mail.
We'll see you later.
Thanks again.
Okay.
Have a good time.
That certainly is joli.
Thank you.
How much do you want for it? Oh, I never sell my paintings.
You never sell them? No never.
I could not sell my paintings.
You see, they are a part of me.
I could not sell a picture any more than I could sell my arm.
Well if you never sell your paintings, how do you expect to be discovered? It is always the same.
When I die, then I will be discovered.
Look I just have to have one of your paintings.
I'll give you 500 francs for that.
Oh oh, I'm sorry, madame.
This picture is my life.
It took me three years to paint.
Sell three years of my life for 600 francs? Madame, I told you, no.
I think I would turn down even a a thousand francs.
A thousand.
Oh, I'll take it.
Oh, oh, well, thank you very much.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Be very careful with it, madame.
Oh, I will.
You see, it is still wet.
Yes, yes, I will.
I'll go right to the hotel with it.
Oh, thank you so much.
By the way, what is your name? Pierre Charpentier.
You see, after you die and become famous, I want to be able to tell my friends that I discovered you, and that I have an original Charpentier.
Well, it's been awfully nice discovering you, Pierre.
Oh, it was wonderful being discovered.
Au revoir.
(chuckling) Come on, Fred.
We don't want to miss that sightseeing bus.
I'm coming.
I told him not to forward these Christmas cards.
Just a minute, Fred.
Bonjour, madame.
Bonjour.
Comment allez-vous? Je vais bien.
Voulez-vous prendre cette table-ci? Il fait tres beau aujourd'hui.
Vous etes tres bien.
Parfaitement bien.
Je vous en prie.
Merci.
Notre menu, madame.
Merci.
Je reviens tout de suite avec le vin dans une seconde.
Pardon.
Votre vin, madame.
Come on over, folks.
And here we have a typical Parisian sidewalk cafe.
Oh, there are hundreds of little out-of-the-way cafe houses like this in the suburbs, but here you see only the true native Frenchmen.
Hear that? "True native Frenchmen.
" Lucy! Hi.
Lucy? It's a small world, isn't it? Yeah.
Pardonnez-moi, touristes? Tourists? Je ne comprends English.
You do, too, comprend English.
Pardon, madame.
Pardon, madame et monsieur.
No individual sightseeing.
Oh, she's a friend of mine.
No, but I'm sorry, your bus is ready to leave.
Allez! Allez! Allez, allez, allez.
Les Americains, huh! Les Americains, huh.
Les Americains.
Madame, avez-vous choisi? Uh it is very difficile to choose here.
Oui, madame.
Permettez-moi de recommander les tripes a la mode de Caen.
Tripes non, non, non.
Non.
Ah, madame, alors, je vous suggere la specialite de le maison.
Des escargots de Bourgogne.
Specialite? Specialite de la maison.
Uh, si yes oui Good bon.
Uh uh, beaucoup hot.
Alouette, gentille alouette.
Alouette, gentille alouette.
Pardon.
Voici.
Ta-dah! Waiter, this food has snails in it.
Pardon? Snails, snails, snails.
Oh, escargots.
Mmm, c'est excellent, madame.
Am I supposed to eat this? Huh? I am supposed to eat? Oh, oui, madame.
Mangez, bien sur.
Voici.
Non.
Non, madame.
Comme ceci.
Si, si? Oui, oui, comme ceci.
Maybe if I had some ketchup.
Pardon.
Ketchup.
Sauce de tomates? Sauce tomate.
Tomates? Yeah, sauce tomate.
Lots of it.
I think an American cousin of yours ate my geranium plant.
(clamoring) MAN: Non! Non! Mais non! Comment! C'est impoli! C'est ridicule! Absolument ridicule! Sauce tomate sur les babas de Bourgogne! Jamais d'escargots.
Mais je si madame met du ketchup sur les escargots de Bourgogne je donne ma demission! Que veux-tu qu'on y fasse avec ces prudes Americains? Oh, ketchup! Nom d'un nom! Ca m'est egal.
En tant que premier chef a La Porte de Montmartre.
Je repete, si madame, Never mind.
met du ketchup sur les escargots, je donnerai ma demission.
All right, all right, all right, never mind.
Just give me my check.
Pardon? Just give me my check.
Je ne comprends pas.
Just give me the check.
L'addition, s'il vous plait.
C'est quatre cent francs, madame.
Huh? Quatre cent francs.
Oh, dear.
Non, non, non.
Je vous en prie.
Oh, 400 francs.
Why didn't you say so? Here.
Keep the change.
Pardon? Uh, for vous, for vous.
Ah, merci, merci.
(clamoring) Gendarme! Gendarme! Gendarme! Gendarme! Gendarme? Oui, oui.
Gerdarme.
Police? Oui, police, police, madame.
Police, police.
Since when is it a crime to put ketchup on snails? C'est de la contrabande.
C'est monnaie contrefaite.
C'est- I'm sorry- contrefait, madame, contrefait.
(waiter and chef talking at once) Police! CHEF: Police! Counterfeit? Oui, contrefait.
Ah, police.
Madame est venue ici avec de I'argent contrefait.
Contrefaite! Alors, madame.
(mumbling) Alors, alors, alors.
Qu'est-ce que c'est? Agua mineral.
Cet homme est paf.
Est-ce vrai? Yo hablo espanol.
Espanol.
Si, senor.
Parlez francais? No.
Yo hablo espanol.
Espanol.
Und ich spreche ein bisschen Deutsch auch.
Was? Sie sprechen Deutsch? Wunderbar! Ich spreche auch Deutsch.
Ich bin aus Strasbourg.
Il parle allemand.
Fichez-moi la paix.
Er hat was gesagt? Nichts- er hat gesagt Sie haben zu viel Wein getrunken.
Kommen Sie.
Kommen Sie.
I didn't know it was counterfeit.
Do you hear me? I didn't know it.
Now, I can explain everything.
Now, you listen to me, I am no crook.
I am an American.
Mais qu'est-ce qui se passe? Je ne comprends absolument rien.
Pourquoi est-ce que vous avez arrete cette femme? Not so fast now.
On I'a arretee en train de passer des faux billets.
Faux billets.
Faux billets.
Faux billets.
Voici son passeport.
Son nom est Ricardo.
Ricardo.
Ricardo Ricardo Ricardo Hey, that's me.
Ce passeport n'est pas a vous, madame.
Non, non, c'est pas votre photographie.
C'est pas a vous.
Now, now, I know, I know that is a very bad picture of me but that is my passport, and I'm sorry, I just didn't have time to get a better picture, but that is me- now, look.
Ah, oui.
Oui, oui, maintenant je vous reconnait.
Now, look, I demand to call my husband.
Quoi? I demand to call my husband.
I I demander I demander telephoner my mon mari.
Mari.
Mon mari, mon mari.
I telephoner mon mari.
Oui, oui, allez, allez.
Hotel Royal.
Look, my husband mon mari is a, is a big bandleader.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom boom, boom, boom, boom, boom! Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Monsieur Ricardo, s'il vous plait.
My husband- mon mari- is sort of a Spanish chevalier.
Chevalier.
Well, sort of, he is.
He happens to be Listen now Ricky? Ricky, I'm in the Bastille.
Lucy.
Oh, honey! Oh Are you all right? Oh, I never was so glad to hear anybody speak English in my life, even you.
What happened? Uh, I don't know, nobody speaks English.
They're all foreigners.
What What happened? What are you doing here? I was standing outside the American Express office and a man changed some money for me and it turned out to be counterfeit.
Then they tried to make me eat snails for lunch and then they arrested me.
If you say, "I told you so," I'll punch you right in the nose.
What's the matter? Won't they believe you? Well, nobody understands me.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, they're gonna send me to jail, honey.
Monsieur, parlez-vous francais? They want to know if you speak French.
I know, I know that.
Non, non, no parle francais.
Yo hablo espanol.
Espanol! Allez me chercher le poivrot.
Oh, tout de suite! J'ai une excellente idee.
Je reviens toute a I'heure.
Bien.
Tres bien.
What are they talking about? How would I know? They're gonna send me to the guillotine.
Now, you just take your time, honey.
Voici mon idee.
Je vous parlerai.
Vous lui parlerez.
Il lui parlera et lui, il parlera a la dame.
Allons-y.
Mm.
Er spricht zu mir ich zu ihnen Sie zu ihm und er spricht zu ihr.
El le va hablar a el.
El me va hablar a mi.
Yo le va hablar a ud.
Y ud.
le habla a la senora.
Ah, muy buena idea, muy buena idea.
Esta bueno, senor.
What? What? Very good idea.
What is? Oh, uh, um, uh, the sergeant only speaks French.
See, and now, this other cop here, he speaks French and German.
Uh-huh.
And this fellow, he speaks German and Spanish.
Oh.
So, uh, he's gonna ask the questions and we'll translate them to you.
Oh, good.
Good.
Bueno.
Sehr gut.
Bon! Ou avez-vous pris cet argent? Wo haben Sie das Geld her? ?Donde tomaste el dinero? Where did you get the money? Well, I got it from a man on the street.
but I didn't know it was counterfeit.
Lo me lo dio un hombre en la calle apero yo no sabia que era falso! Ein Mann in der Strasse geb es zu mir aber ich kann nicht das ist schlecht Geld.
Je I'ai recu d'un homme dans la rue et je n'ai pas su que c'est faux.
Ha! It's true! aEs la verdad! Das ist wahr! C'est vrai! Je dois vous prevenir que le maniement de faux billets est puni par les travaux forces en perpetuite! Ich mache Sie darauf aufmerksam dass fur das verteilen von falschem Geld straft steht, verhangend mit Fenster arbeit.
Yo le quiero hacer saber a ud.
Una cosa que el que falsifica dinero va a la carcel por trabajo forcado para toda la vida.
I want you to know something: That the penalty for counterfeiting is imprisonment, life imprisonment and hard labor! Eww! Eww! No, no, no, no! Now, this is ridiculous.
Do I look like a counterfeiter? aEsto es ridiculo! ?Yo me parezco una falsificadora? Sie sind verruckt.
Ich bin nicht mache Geld.
Est-ce que j'ai I'air d'un faux monnayeur? I am innocent! aYo soy inocente! Ich bin unschuldig! Je suis innocente.
Bien.
Si elle rend I'argent, elle peut s'en aller.
Gut, wenn Sie ihre Restaurant rechnung bezalht kann Sie gehen.
Bueno.
Si ella le paga la cuenta al restaurant ella se puede ir.
Good.
If you pay the rest of the bill, you can go.
Hooray! Ole! Wunderbar! Tres bien! El dinero aqui lo tengo yo.
ETHEL: We didn't know it was counterfeit! (clamoring) I got the money from my best friend.
Silence! Silence! Silence! Alors, alors, alors, quoi? Monsieur, cet homme il m'a paye avec de I'argent contrefait! We didn't know it was counterfeit.
Hey, hey, she's the brains of this gang.
She gave us the money.
(frenzied arguing ensues) Yeah, well, I don't care.
Ricky gave you your money back, didn't he? Listen, thanks to me, you got to do something that very few Americans get to do.
You got to see the inside of a French jail.
Great.
Thanks to you, we almost spent the rest of our lives on Devil's Island.
Oh Oh, come on now.
Won't you forget it? It's all over now.
Oh, he makes me so mad, Now, forget it.
blaming me for a thing like that.
All right.
Besides, I got, I got a surprise for you.
For me? What? I bought you a painting.
You bought? I bought a painting, too.
So did we.
Yeah, we got a genuine original.
No kidding! I'll go get it.
We'll see who's got the best eye for art.
Okay, I'll show you the one I got for you.
All right, I got mine right here.
Look.
Isn't that beautiful? Look.
Isn't that beautiful? For heaven's sake.
The man said he'd rather cut off his arm.
(all talking over each other) I paid a thousand francs! (orchestra playing closing flourish) ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: Those seen in tonight's show were Shepard Menken, Lawrence Dobkin, Maurice Marsac, Fritz Feld, Ramsay Hill, John Mylong, Vincent Padula, Rolfe Sedan, Trevor Ward.
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.