Spin City s05e18 Episode Script

I'm very pleased to kick off this year's "bring your daughter to work day.
" I think it's wonderful to celebrate the bond which is shared between parent and child.
Where's your daughter today, sir? Uh Amsterdam?! What the hell is she doing there? Sir, it's Amsterdam.
She's probably At a museum.
We feel today is an opportunity to inspire young women.
It's also a great chance for them to see where their fathers go every day.
Couldn't their mothers bring them? I don't care how they get there.
The important thing is for them to see how their daddies bring home the bacon.
Well My lifelong dream has been realized.
What happened? Someone hire you to write porn? Yes.
Face five productions has commissioned me to write a script you know, the way the crowned heads of Europe used to commission Mozart to write operas.
Yes, it's the exact same thing.
After years of rejection, my words will finally be coming out of naked people's mouths.
Just do not involve me.
First I need a title.
How about "the French erection"? Did you hear that channel 7 just said that my comments about the "bring your daughter to work" day showed that I had a '50s mentality.
That's poppycock.
They're just a bunch of communists, sir.
Really? I'll have to update my list.
A representative from the woman's action committee is here to talk about your press conference.
I can't right now.
I have a meeting with Daniel Bryant.
Oh, Daniel he's donating some waterfront property to the city.
Charlie? Angry feminist, rich guy giving away land.
That was easy.
I am so sorry about the mayor's comments this morning.
Trust me he's very concerned about women's issues.
Where is the mayor now? He's in a meeting with a real-estate developer.
Typical! He sends in the little woman to take care of me.
City hall has always been a boys' club.
That's not true.
Sorry to interrupt, gals.
The mayor and I really wanted to take part in this meeting, but something urgent came up.
Don't forget the cigars, Charlie! Stuart, let me ask you something.
How much money do you get paid for writing a porno? Paul, this isn't about money.
It's about creating something that I can be proud of.
When people think quality erotica, I want them to think of jet runyon.
Who's jet runyon? I'm not dumb enough to use my real name.
Charlie, I'm in a bind.
I've been gunning for my club's golf trophy for nine years, but this year's tournament is father and son.
How would you like to be my son? According to my dad, I'm no son of his.
Sorry, I don't play golf.
I do.
I love golf.
What about you, Stuart? I've gotta finish some work, so I have time to write an adult film.
Got ya! In fact, I live for golf.
What about you, Carter? Sir, I don't think people are gonna believe I'm your son.
Couldn't you just pretend to be straight for one afternoon? Lovin' golf over here.
Sir, why don't you take Paul? I think he might like golf.
He does? What's your handicap? He's Paul.
Caitlin, we ordered you lunch.
You chose a restaurant without consulting me? I ran into Carter in the men's room.
He said, "let's order lunch.
" That's where decisions are being made in the men's room? Yeah.
We drafted a new anticrime bill in stall 3.
Caitlin, we ordered you a Cobb salad.
So now you can read my weak, female mind? You always order a Cobb salad.
Whose side are you on?! What other decisions have been made that I should know about? We decided to build basketball courts on the land Bryant gave to the city.
You should have waited to hear my idea.
Okay, what's your idea? We should build An interactive center for the arts.
Interactive center for the arts what's that? What's basketball? I think you're getting a little worked up over this.
Watch out the woman's getting emotional.
Are you afraid I'm gonna freak out?! No, I think we're past that.
Tell you what you make your proposal, and I'll make mine, and we'll let Bryant choose.
Fine.
Hello! Caitlin, thanks for taking that meeting with Karen this morning.
Oh, I like that top.
You look cute today.
Sir, I find that offensive.
I mean, I never hear you say Charlie looks cute.
You're absolutely right.
I apologize.
Charlie, you look cute.
Thank you, sir.
You look pretty cute yourself.
No sale, Crawford.
I don't ride that bike.
Way to go, son.
I'm really proud of you.
Let's see what those Winston boys can do.
Watch me closely, Paul.
You'll learn a thing or two.
The world's finest private instructors have taught me not to overthink my swing Bend my knees Tilt my head 15 degrees don't overswing.
Ahh! Come on, Winston! What are you doing?! I hate you! I hate you! You're up, Paul.
Try not to embarrass us.
I'll do my best.
It's gonna be a long day for you, Winston.
Holy cow! That's my boy.
"Oh, yeah.
That's itBaby.
" Damn! Carter, you're smart.
Help me out here.
Oh, no, no.
I'm not helping you write that filth.
Fine.
"Yes.
Give it to me.
" That's not right! How about, "let me give it to you"? That's brilliant.
Really? Read the whole thing and tell me what you think.
I don't know if I have time.
It'll take 10 minutes they only allow me 2 lines of dialogue per page.
On one condition.
Anything.
Give me one of those fake names.
Lance buckskin.
Oooh! I'm in.
Paul, you were fantastic the way you drove the ball, the way you putted, they way you retrieved my 7-iron.
It was a short swim, sir.
It was great having you as my "son.
" It was great fun having you as my "dad.
" You know that's a beautiful trophy.
Ah-ah.
Paul was talking.
What were you saying? Well I remember I was saying something and then I lost my concentration.
Now my mind is a complete blank.
Chip off the old block.
Hey, if you were building an art center, would you put in a sculpture courtyard? Yeah.
I think so.
Thanks.
If you were jumping into a hot tub with four other women, would you take your top off before you got in? Yeah, I think so.
Thanks.
So the chief says, "death by unga-bunga.
" You get it? Yeah.
How often? Caitlin, this is Daniel Bryant.
Nice to meet you.
I'm looking forward to our meeting tomorrow.
No need Charlie's already told me about his plans for the basketball courts.
I think it's fantastic.
I've got a few more questions for you.
Why don't you follow me into the men's room? No sale.
I don't ride that bike.
Boy, did I just get screwed.
Ooh! I can use that.
Charlie, we need to talk.
You know I admire you professionally.
You know I respect you morning, Caitlin.
You suck! I know Cindy's your friend, but we had a couple of drinks.
One thing led to another what? Nothing.
I can't believe you went behind my back last night.
I ran into Bryant on the way out.
He asked me to go to the Knicks game.
It I a boys' club you go to a basketball game, have a few beers, high-five when they score.
It's not like that.
Only idiots high-five.
I raise the roof and point to God.
I work my butt off putting together a proposal, and your idea slides through because you're a man.
Don't act like there aren't advantages to being a woman.
When's the last time a cop gave you a speeding ticket? They don't give tickets, they give warnings.
Then you have a follow-up dinner to discuss traffic safety.
Bryant liked my proposal for one reason it's a great idea.
He liked it because he didn't hear my idea.
I'm going out with him tonight.
You're welcome to tag along.
Fine! I'll beat you at your own game.
You can't handle my game.
You wanna get tough? You wanna play hardware? It's the bottom of the fourth quarter, you've got two strikes and no balls.
I think you've got your metaphors a little mixed up.
Not the last part.
What'd you guys do last night? Did you go to the ballgame with the mayor and then ride in his limo to a fancy restaurant? I guess not.
'Cause that's what I did, and I didn't see you there! Paulie, you wanna hit a bucket of balls this afternoon? I'd love to.
I can't.
I gotta prepare for my weekly press briefing.
That's too bad.
Well, um, maybe I'll come watch you work.
You never come to my press briefings.
Well, I do now.
I'll see you there.
Wow! The mayor's coming to my press conference.
Ooh! I gotta go Polish the podium.
This thing writes itself.
I'm so nervous I have to outschmooze Charlie tonight.
Let me give you a little advice for hanging out with the boys.
First When the conversation turns to sports, all you have to say is, "the athletic ability on that guy is amazing.
" What if the athlete is a woman? Then you would just say, "I bet she's wild in the sack.
" Next When drinking, always call attention to yourself.
"Man, I am buzzin'!" To show your love for the liquor, describe it.
"Whoa! "Stuff is tasty! Stuff is cold!" Finally always, always lie about how many you've had.
"Dude, what beer you on? Three? I've had eight.
Take off the skirt, Alice!" Do people really buy that? Sure.
"I am drunk.
"I am wasted.
I am completely hammered.
" Carter, we all have a few belts at lunch, but try to keep it cool, huh? Boy, do I feel like an ass.
Thank you.
So he bends over and says, "I don't know, lady, you tell me.
" You know, if there's one thing I love with a good steak, it's a fine cigar.
Now you're talking.
You know what I love with a good steak? Strawberry lip gloss.
What the hell! I'll try anything once.
Charlie? Beef time.
I'll have the 16-ounce porterhouse, rare.
I'll have the 32-ounce porterhouse, very rare.
Just run it out to the table, give me a shotgun, and pass the a.
1.
Dinner salad, light dressing on the side.
My usual.
Did you see sportscenter last night? How about that Shannon sharpe, huh? I bet she is wild in the sack.
Shannon sharpe is a guy.
Really? Since when? Anyways Daniel, about my basketball-courts proposal I can talk hoops all night.
What do you think about the Knicks this year? Man, I am buzzing.
Ahhh! This stuff is tasty.
Yeah! You know it! So, Dan, you ever have jock itch? Let's talk about that.
Dude, what beer are you on? Yeah, Charlie, what beer? One.
I've had eight.
I hadNine.
Take off the skirt, Alice.
Ahhh! Eleven.
So What did you think of the script? You hated it, didn't you? I just think it was a little clichéd.
It's not as easy as I thought.
Everything winds up being a horny pizza-delivery guy or a hot-tub party gettin' out of control.
All the clever stuff has been done.
It's just a couple of tweaks.
That's all.
Like on page 2 the busload of cheerleaders that breaks down in front of the frat house.
I'm lovin' it.
That's actually a true story.
Great, great, but, um I would introduce the naughty French tutor earlier, earlier.
And here, on page 20 the 2 girls playing tennis.
Couldn't that be How did I miss that? And They're playing on Clay.
So, I'm saying, maybe it rains.
But if it rained the Clay would turn to mu ahhh! Oh, my God! You're a genius! Oh, Paul, I'm sorry I missed your press conference, but there's 180 people trapped in the Lincoln tunnel.
I don't care.
There'll be other press conferences, Paul.
I told all the reporters you'd be coming.
I'll make it up to you.
I'll buy you that new microphone you've always wanted.
You think that's gonna make it all better? I don't want your stupid microphone.
I said I was sorry.
I had a crisis.
There's always a crisis.
Work always comes first.
You watch your tone, mister.
You just have to accept the fact that I'm the boss.
You're the employee.
Well, I never asked to be hired.
Yes, you did.
You sent me your resume.
Just stay out of my life! He'll come out when he gets hungry.
I gotta tell you, I'm impressed with the way you do business.
I was surprised that you suggested that we come here.
Are you kidding? I love this place? Hey, sweetheart, looking good.
Can I get four back? Thank you.
Here you go, Dan.
Two bottles of chateau marmon champagne.
My favorite booze! Okay.
Caitlin, watch it.
Whoa! This stuff is bubbly! Bubbly Is bubbly.
Is bubbly.
I am kicking your butt, and you practically live here.
I don't come here that often.
Hey, Charlie.
Hi, Tiffany.
How's your mom? I'm great, Charlie.
Thanks for asking.
Watch this I'm about to close the deal.
Why are you so obsessed with beating me? It's not about you.
It's about equal opportunity.
It's about women finally getting some respect.
So this art center is gonna have a beautiful sculpture courtyard.
Great! And they all look like her.
Hey! Excuse me.
Hey! I can't see! Yeah, buddy, we didn't pay a $20 cover to see your fat ass.
She means "phat" in a hip-hop way.
No, I mean "fat" in a hippo way.
Come on, tubby, hit the bricks.
You boys looking for a fight? I gotta get some more singles.
We don't want any trouble.
Are you wearing lipstick? Hey, tough guy, it's gloss.
What are you gonna do about it, huh? Huh? What are you doing? I'm posturing.
It's a guy thing.
He's not gonna hit anyone.
Huh?! I'm so sorry.
Those guys may have gotten in all the punches, but I made some sarcastic comments they won't soon forget.
Actually, with that guy's knee on your head, everything was kind of muffled.
Look, I know I went overboard tonight, but I had to even out the playing field.
I can't believe I had to act the way I did.
What about me? You think I like steak dinners and drinking and going to strip clubs? Who am I kidding? I love that stuff.
Well, I don't, and it's not fair.
Caitlin, we're friends.
If you felt like that, why didn't you just tell me? I did.
What do I have to do to get through to you, put on a leather Teddy and spiked heels? Hey! Knock it off! I should have listened better.
I will work on that.
You got your art center.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
I want you to know the days of me being out of the loop are over.
Hey, Caitlin, we're on the same side.
I couldn't do anything around here without you.
Really? We're a team.
I take on six guys, and you scream, "not in the face!" You know the surprising thing about tonight? I think that stripper really liked me.
Now you're even thinking like a guy.
Here comes that tennis scene.
It's starting to rain.
It's gonna turn that court into a big pile of mu oh, nice! What did I tell you about including me in the guy stuff? I can't see why we all can't participate in ugh! They're gonna ruin the tennis court.
Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.