The Nanny s05e18 Episode Script

Well, in just seven weeks this is going to be our room.
Ooh.
- Our bed - Ooh - Our chair.
- Ooh - Our lamp.
- Ooh And my closet.
Ooh Ooh.
And who said size isn't important in the bedroom? ( laughter ) Now, this is what I picked out for Maxwell to wear to my High School reunion party.
It's like having a great big Ken doll.
Only mine is anatomically correct, please, God.
Meanwhile, this is the first time you've got a reason to go to your reunion.
You should be more concerned with what you're gonna wear.
You know I just thought I'd wear a simple drop dead gorgeous fiancee and accessorize it with this.
You know, I can't wait to see Naomi Dembo's face when you walk in.
She was so mean to us in high school.
She told everyone that we were lesbian lovers.
Yeah, but you know it backfired on her, because we were never so popular with the boys.
( laughter ) ( humming ) ( screaming ) Alright, hands up anyone who doesn't belong in here.
I bet you weren't expecting three gorgeous girls in your bed.
( laughter ) Now, don't go getting any ideas.
( laughter ) Yes, well, I think this has sufficiently put that fancy to rest, Sylvia.
I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to show the girls what you're wearing to my High School Reunion Saturday night.
Uh, Saturday night? I thought you said it was next Saturday.
Well, it was next Saturday when I told you about it last Saturday.
Well, this Saturday I have to fly to Washington to talk at the National Endowment For the Arts.
Oh, no, you have to come.
The last two reunions I carried a man's coat and said my fiancee was in the bathroom.
I don't think that they'll go for it a third time.
( laughter ) What do you want me to do? Cancel on the President of the United States? Well, he's been known to put pleasure before business.
Why can't you? She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell make up but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now, the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran ( laughter ) Oh, Val, I cannot believe how our entire graduating class has aged.
Everybody looks so old.
Yeah.
You want to sign the guestbook? Oh, no, I'll tell you my joints are all stiff from the dampness.
( laughter ) Well, you know what, let's hit the buffet and see what they got.
Alright, you know what, let's load up on the finger food because I want it to look really organic when I flash my new ring onto Naomi Dembo's new nose.
Excuse me, could you pass me a quiche? ( Applause ) Oh, Ray Barone, thank you.
Oh, you brought your fiancee, - Maxwell.
- Mm.
Nice to see you again, buddy.
Oh, hello, Ray.
Fran's not making up ridiculous excuses anymore.
Her fiancee had to go to Washington to talk to the president.
Mm.
( laughter ) He's in the bathroom.
Okay.
You know, Raymond, in High School I had such a crush on you.
Well, who didn't? Everybody Loved Raymond! ( laughter ) You know, Ray, I understand congratulations are in order.
I read in a newsletter you just had twins.
That must be fabulous.
Yeah, I have a five year old and twin two-year-old boys.
So you know I don't care how this reunion goes, I'm just happy to be out of the house right now.
That was always you, Ray, funny and fertile.
( laughter ) Oh, thank you.
We just got a deal on our house too.
No one wanted to live there 'cause of the noise factor.
Why, are you near the airport or something? No, no, across the street from my parents.
( laughter ) Oh, boy, Ray, I think you'd better back get to your table.
It looks like your wife is getting a little annoyed that you're talking so long to the two of us.
Oh, no, it's 'cause this is her plate.
Bye, Ray! ( laughter ) Franny, Naomi Dembo, 11 o'clock.
Where? That's 1 o'clock, Val.
( laughter ) - Fran, it's me, Naomi! - Hi, Naomi! How are you? You look fabulous! I know.
( laughter ) You two, you look stunning, your hair, your outfits.
You see, you wait long enough, everything comes back again.
Well, let's hope the same doesn't apply to your schnoz.
Just like old times.
Come sit at my table.
Gayle, Ivy, Dolores, they're all here.
They hated us.
I know.
Come sit.
( laughter ) Look who it is.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
( All speaking together ) Oh, Dottie, tell me, how is that husband of yours, Mr.
Park Avenue Doctor? Oh, well, the older we got, the less we found we had common.
Yeah.
He liked to sleep with ( Gasping ) - How awful.
- You're divorced? Honey, we all are.
But you all seemed so happy at the last reunion.
You were flashing your wedding pictures and showing off your engagement rings, which, if you ask me, I thought was very obnoxious.
Franny, you're happy for two minutes and then everything's an argument.
I think it's cold, he thinks it's hot.
I like Letterman, he likes Leno.
I dislike his friends.
He thinks all mine are shrill, foul-mouthed boozers.
He could bite me.
( laughter ) Franny, you were the smart one.
Marriage is the surest way to ruin any relationship.
( Sighs ) So what's new with you? I'm engaged.
( laughter ) Oh.
You know, Niles, ever since those men came to take Miss Babcock away.
Ho ho hee hee ha ha.
You've been acting kind of strange.
I mean, why don't you just admit you miss her? Because I don't miss her.
Oh, really? Explain tonight's dessert.
( laughter ) Oh, what a pity.
All my years of torment and torture have put her where she is today.
There's not a moment that goes by that I don't blame myself.
But Niles, it was Dad's and Fran's engagement that sent her over the edge.
That's what I think, but I didn't want to say.
( laughter ) You wanna piece of chin? She's got three.
( laughter ) I'm just gonna pass.
Okay.
Home, sweet home.
Come on in.
So tell me, Mary Ann, what does your daddy do? He's chairman and CEO of Amcom International.
What does your father do? Eats pudding.
Is anyone hungry? I'll cut you a slab of Miss Babcock.
Nah.
Isn't Fran cool? I can't wait till her and my dad get married.
Ever since my dad married my stepmother, I became invisible.
I guess I got a little blurry when they tried to focus on me through a martini glass in St.
Barths.
( laughter ) Well, that won't happen to me.
- Oh, hello, darling.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hello, I'm here.
- Oh.
- Sorry, sweetie.
- Sorry.
- Didn't see you.
- Didn't see you.
Mm-hm.
( laughter ) My plane landed a little late.
How was your reunion? Oh, I'll tell you.
Everybody was so self-absorbed with their divorces and their child custody battles, that it was nearly impossible to steer them back to me and my engagement.
Well, there you go.
That's why I hate reunions.
I'll come up with any excuse I can to avoid them.
Oh, well, this was real.
I actually went to Washington.
Look, I stole you a White House coaster to go with your collection of pilfered memorabilia.
You sweetie, oh, you know me so well.
You see that's why we're never going to have the problems that my friends have.
You wouldn't believe the idiotic reasons that broke up their marriages.
I mean, who cares what television show you watch before you go to bed? Well, exactly.
"Nightline.
" Or "TV Land.
" ( laughter ) Whatever.
Hehehe.
What difference does it make if you spend every Sunday coordinating bathroom towels with wallpaper? Or going to the driving range? - Whatever.
- Whatever.
( laughter ) The important thing is I'm going to wake up every morning with your arms around me like this.
Mm.
Well, actually, to be strictly honest, it's going to be more like this because I like to sleep on the left side of the bed.
That's my side.
Well, not anymore.
( laughs ) ( laughter ) But Jews always lie to the left of center.
( laughter ) Politically, Fran, not posture-pedically.
( laughter ) Well now, wait a minute here.
It seems I'm making all the compromises.
I'm the one that's moving out of my place I'm moving into your place.
Yes, well, your place is my place, and my place is where it's always been on the left side of the bed.
It's been there for 40 years.
Yeah, well I've been on the left side for Oh, nice try.
Fran, one of these days you are going to have to tell me your exact age.
Alright, fine.
You sleep on the left! Thank you, Niles.
Do you have any more of that Miss Babcock cake? Tons and tons.
( laughter ) Just as in life, no one's touched her.
( laughter ) Oh, Ma, do you think that it's bad that me and Mr.
Sheffield are already fighting and we're not even married yet? Darling, do you realize that your father and I wouldn't even speak if it weren't for fighting? ( laughter ) That and ordering.
( laughter ) You know, Fran, it's healthy to get out all of your differences before you make a commitment.
Look, Kenny and I had to work through a lot of things before I would let him live with me.
Val, Kenny's a dog.
( laughter ) Ma, it's just that we're already fighting over what side of the bed we sleep on.
Darling, trust me, once you have children, you'll be too exhausted to fight.
You'll sleep wherever you land.
I guess you're right.
Oh, this is all so trivial.
I mean, the important thing is Maxwell is a wonderful man and we love each other.
We're gonna make beautiful babies together.
All before I'm 30.
( laughter ) Who wants cake? She's loaded with rum, just like the original.
- Oh, Maxwell, sorry.
- Fran, I apologize.
- Sorry.
Oh, you first.
- No, you first.
- No, you first.
- No, I insist.
Oh, look at this.
We're fighting over who ends the fight first.
I did.
Well, technically, it was me, but whatever.
Oh.
Sweetie, if you want the left side of the bed, you've got the left side.
The point is that that is the bed we're going to sleep on for the rest of our lives.
The bed we're gonna raise a family on, the bed that we're gonna - Um, excuse me? - What? Family? Well, yeah, family.
I mean, you know, we've never really discussed this before, but you do want to have a family with me, don't you? Well, I I, you know, I haven't really given it much thought yet.
I mean, we do have three children already.
Yes, and I love them like they were my own, but I never got to experience them taking their first steps, I never got to rock them in my arms, except for that one time Maggie came home sick from a frat party.
What frat party? Oh, fra P.
Frap party.
Frappuccino, cappuccino, all that caffeine made her very dizzy.
( laughter ) The point is I want to experience motherhood.
I want to know what it feels like to be pregnant.
I want to wake up and throw up and be sick and not just because I opened my Visa bill.
( laughter ) Fran, the thing is, I'm not sure I'm prepared to have more children.
Well, the time of my biological clock is running out so you better decide in the next ( laughter ) - Fran - I wanna have a baby.
Uh-oh.
She wants a baby of her own.
Once that happens, you'll get shipped off to some miserable boarding school.
Well, why? You don't go to boarding school, you go to the same school I do.
My father had a vasectomy.
Oh, darling, I'm sure it's not half as bad as it seems.
What could he have said? ( Crying ) He doesn't wanna have a baby! Where is he? I'll kill him.
Five long years he strings me along and then he pulls this crap on me seven weeks before my wedding.
( laughter ) My wedding, Ma.
It's not natural.
I never heard of such a thing.
What man doesn't want to procrastinate with the woman he loves? ( laughter ) Procreate, Ma.
I don't get it.
Why doesn't he want to have children with me? I mean, is there some trait of mine that he's afraid I'm going to pass on to the kids? What could it be? ( laughter ) Amy Irving.
she split from Spielberg.
Do you think she would've gotten 9 cents if she didn't have a kid with him? Ma, what does that have to do with us? I don't know, it just seemed pertinent.
Fran, I am telling you right now, if I don't get grandchildren out of him I will never set foot in this house again.
Oh, well, congratulations, Ma, you have just invented the first foolproof male contraceptive.
( Knocking door ) Excuse me, sir.
I put together a little card to cheer up Miss Babcock, would you care to sign? Let's hope your recovery is faster than your metabolism.
( laughter ) Niles? Oh, I see what you're getting at.
Keep up the insults.
Maintain a sense of normalcy, huh? Uh, yeah.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Oh, Niles, I need a little help with something.
Why can't Fran just be happy with what she has? I mean, we haven't even walked down the aisle yet.
What are you talking about, sir? Niles, are you telling me for the first time in 25 years, you don't know about something that goes in this house? Yes.
What's happening to me? Without Miss Babcock, me muse is gone.
Don't be ridiculous.
Even before Miss Babcock was here you were always a big fat gossip.
Excuse me? I have better things to do than You thought I was fat? Fran wants to have a baby with me.
What, you've forgotten how to do it? This is serious, Niles.
I'm not sure I I don't think I really want to go through that again.
You know, all the crying and the diapers and the waking up at 4:00 in the morning.
Oh, sir, it's really not so bad when you consider I did all that.
Come to think of it, you are too old to have a baby.
Well, I'm not that old.
You have three children already.
Why can't Miss Fine be happy with that? Because they're not ours.
Having a baby is one of those things that bonds a couple together.
Oh, that's why we're so close.
( laughter ) You know, maybe it would be fun to have a baby around the house again.
Niles, do you remember when the children were little, that Christmas we all baked cookies and I pretended to come today the chimney as Santa Claus? That was me too, sir.
You thought I should play Santa, probably because I was so fat.
( laughter ) What's wrong with Blossom? ( laughter ) Well, I'm worried about what's gonna happen to me after Fran and Daddy get married.
Gracie found a brochure for boarding school.
Oh, man.
What ages, what ages? Come on.
Oh, I'm cool.
Write me.
Don't worry about him.
He's an idiot.
I will always be here for you, Gracie.
( Horn ) Ah, starting tomorrow, that's Rick.
( laughter ) Hey, sweetie, what's the matter? Okay, Fran, I want to calmly discuss the situation.
Okay.
I don't want to go to the place where I'm saying: "I hate you, I hate you both!" Gracie, honey, what are you talking about? What situation? Well, it has to do with my friend.
Your friend? Oh, your friend.
Oh, my God.
You got your friend.
What? Don't worry, sweetie, these mood swings are normal.
Before your cycle, during your cycle, and after your cycle.
No, Fran, I'm talking about my friend Mary Ann.
She said that once you and Daddy got married, you'll get rid of me, and then I found this.
Miss Porter's Boarding School? Oh, Sweetie this has gotta be a mistake.
And, it isn't nice for little girls to go snooping through their father's private mail.
I don't know where you learned these things.
( laughter ) Oh, maybe I shouldn't ask so many questions.
Come on, we'll go talk to your father.
Maxwell, we need to talk.
It's one thing not to want to have any more children with me, but now to send my youngest off to boarding school If you had bothered to steal the insert that goes along with that brochure you would know that it is actually a summer drama camp on Miss Porter's campus.
Well, I don't care what it is, I'm not sending poor little Gracie off to some miserable camp.
Hey, Fran, wait, this place looks awesome.
Eighty-six it, honey I'm winning this compromise.
And, furthermore, if this is the way you're going to behave, maybe it's a good thing we're not having a child together.
Fran, I'd like to revisit that discussion.
Go look at your fun brochure, honey.
( laughter ) Darling, it's not that I don't want to have children with you, it's just that we've waited so long to be alone together.
Anyway, you have a lot of time to have children, you're still so young.
Oh, come on, I mean, you got a point.
I want us to spend some time traveling the world together, eating in exotic restaurants, sipping champagne on beautiful yachts as they pull into foreign ports.
Well, I was thinking about a weekend in the Poconos with a complimentary bagel breakfast, but once again, I'll compromise.
( laughter ) Well, I guess it's okay if we wait a while.
After a while, you don't make a baby necessarily on the first time out.
We're gonna need a lot of practice.
You know you're awfully cute when you compromise.
You're awfully cute when you tell me I'm awfully cute.
( laughter ) ( photo snap ) A bit more normalcy for Miss Babcock.
( laughter ) Got a stamp? ( laughter ) Now, well, you see here's yet another reason why I should be on the left side of the bed because when I put my mini fridge in here it's gonna open to the right.
You know you could put in a full-sized in that corner with a faux wooden door.
Uh-huh.
It would pass for an armoire.
Oh, look, picture in picture.
" Mr.
Ed" and who's Madeleine Albright? She's the Secretary of State.
Would you please get out of my room? Aww.
( Applause )