The Simpsons s05e18 Episode Script

[ Chorus .]
" The Simpsons " [ Bell Ringing .]
[ Tires Screeching .]
D'oh! [ Screams .]
[ Bird Cawing .]
[ Sighs .]
Lousy job.
Nothing exciting ever happens.
- [ Alarm Blaring .]
- [ Bell Ringing .]
Congratulations, Homer Simpson! - You've just won the employee raffle.
- Whoo-hoo! - What do I get? - The job of industrial chimney sweep for a day! Whoo-hoo! Whoa! [ Grunting .]
[ Groaning .]
[ Coughing .]
Hey, this isn't such a great prize.
Oh, well, this may be a dirty job but the big guys at the top work even harder.
[ Chuckling .]
Whoa! [ Exhales .]
Hmm.
[ Sighs .]
Will 5:00 never come? Careful, Smithers! That sponge has corners, you know.
- I'll go find a spherical one.
- [ Grunts .]
Help, Smithers.
I'm sinking.
I'm sinking.
[ Gasps .]
Life flashing before-- [ Gurgling .]
eyes.
You're fired! Dance! [ Laughing .]
[ Grunting .]
Dance! [ Horn Blows .]
All right.
We're finally gonna stop those corporate pigs from dumping that nuclear waste.
Oh, no! Our boat is sinking.
It was I, you fools! The man you trusted isn't Wavy Gravy at all.
[ Grunts .]
And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco.
[ Chortles, Grunts .]
[ Evil Laughter.]
I got a mink chamois, sir.
I hope that-- [ Gasps .]
Oh, my God! Mr.
Burns is dead! [ Sobbing .]
Why do the good always die so young? [ Wailing .]
[ Gasps .]
You almost killed me! - [ Grunts .]
- [ Gasps .]
Please, sir.
You'll catch-- [ Gags .]
cold.
Smithers, do you realize, if I had died there would be no one to carry on my legacy? Due to my hectic schedule and lethargic sperm I never fathered an heir.
Now I have no one to leave my enormous fortune to.
- No one.
- [ Clears Throat .]
You, Smithers? Oh, no, my dear friend.
I have planned a far greater reward for you.
When I pass on, you shall be buried alive with me.
Oh.
Goody.
[ Synthesized Tones Crescendoing .]
- [ Rumbling .]
- [ Grunting .]
[ Screams .]
[ Cheering .]
Turn it up! Turn it up! - Hello.
I am Montgomery Burns.
- [ Yelps .]
Now then, I am looking for a suitable young male heir to leave my fortune to when I pass away.
My vast, vast, vast fortune.
- Vast.
- [ Excited Chattering .]
Auditions will be tomorrow at my estate.
And now, our feature presentation.
- [ Whispering .]
- Oh, for-- Oh, very well.
" Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby " " Let's all go to the lobby Get ourselves some snacks " - [ Chattering .]
- What are the two E's? Enunciate and energy.
I have nothing to offer you but my love.
I specifically said ''no geeks.
'' But my mom says I'm cool.
[ Mr.
Burns .]
Next.
Give me your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in! Oh, I like his energy.
Put him on the callback list.
"[ Piano .]
" Clang, clang, clang went the trolley " " Ring, ring, ring went the bell " "Zing, zing, zing went my heart strings-- " [ Grunts .]
Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.
[ Clears Throat .]
I propose to you that your heir need not be a boy.
In this phallocentric society of ours-- I don't know what ''phallocentric'' means, but no girls! So much for Plan B.
That's it, boy.
You're our last hope.
Ohh.
I just don't want to be here, Dad.
Besides, I started a fire this morning that I really should keep an eye on.
Bart, this isn't the kind of thing I normally would think was a good idea but you wouldn't have to live with Mr.
Burns.
You'd just get all of his money someday.
This could provide for your entire future.
- [ Applause .]
- Congratulations.
You've just graduated from the most expensive and, therefore, best school there is.
And your discovery of the cure for the common cold-- Hello, Marge.
I'm Lee Majors.
Will you come away with me? Uh sure.
[ Bionic Jumping Sound .]
I've gotta stop fantasizing about Lee Majors.
Ah, one more.
[ Faint.
:Bionic Jumping Sound .]
Okay, boy.
I wrote down exactly what to say.
Just read it, and you're a shoo-in! ''Hello, Mr.
-- Kurns.
I bad want money now.
Me sick.
'' [ Homer .]
Ooh, he card reads good.
''So pick, please, me, Mr.
Burns.
'' - It's Kurns, stupid! - No, it's not.
- Disregard.
- Oh, he's the worst yet.
That's it.
Everyone out, except you.
One step to the left.
[ Grunting .]
- Ow! - Excellent.
[ Laughing .]
The boot kicked Bart! It kicked him right in the butt! [ Groans .]
I think Bart and Lisa are feeling a little upset right now.
- Isn't there something you'd like to say? - There sure is.
Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably.
The lesson is, never try.
[ Laughing .]
Right in the butt.
- That was great.
- [ Angry Grumbling .]
It's no use.
I guess I'll have to leave all my money to the Egg Advisory Council.
Eggs have gotten quite a bad rap lately, you know, Smithers.
Eggs have gotten quite a bad rap lately, you know, Smithers.
Oh, look.
A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
- I think it's a rock, sir.
- We'll see what the lab has to say about that.
[ Glass Shattering .]
Why, that rapscallion is breaking all my windows.
[ Sinister Chuckling .]
- [ Excited Shouting .]
- [ Doorbell Ringing .]
[ Chuckling .]
Look, Smithers.
A creature of pure malevolence.
He's the perfect one to suckle at my proverbial teat.
You there, boy! What day is this? [ British Accent .]
Today, sir? Why, it's Christmas Day.
- I was talking to him.
You, what day is this? - Huh? I'll tell you what day it is.
Today is the day you become my heir.
- [ Bart Grunts .]
- [ Groans .]
Ooh, I like him a lot.
Just sign here, and your son will stand to inherit my entire estate.
Whoo-hoo! We're rich.
Bart, get over to the mansion and open up all the windows.
We want to get the old people smell out before we move in.
- Dad, Mr.
Burns hasn't passed away yet.
- Huh? Oh, right.
So I guess you're in okay shape, huh? - No heart problems or anything? - Well, I-- - Boo! - [ Groaning .]
[ Groaning Continues .]
I'm okay.
Now that you've all agreed to reap the windfall of my death I must return to my large, empty mansion to rattle around and await the inevitable alone.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - Yeah.
- Let's push him down the steps.
- No! You know, Bart, since he is giving you all of his money maybe it would be nice if you spent some time with him.
- Well-- - Come on, honey.
All right.
How come Bart gets to do that and I can't spend one night lurking in the bushes outside Chef Boyardee's house? Bart, I know you children see me as some sort of''booger man'' but, uh, I'm really not such a bad dude.
Oh, your milk's gone cold.
I'll ring for the maid.
- Whoa! [ Muffled Grunting .]
- Oh, sorry.
Wrong button.
Um I think I'd like to go home.
If you stay, you can have anything you want to eat even some sort of gelatin dish.
It's made from hooves, you know.
Anything, huh? Okay.
I want pizza and I want it delivered by Krusty the Clown.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Hey, it's Krusty the Pizza Man! [ Chortling .]
All right.
Where's my 400 bucks? Hey, wait.
How can you be here when your show's on live? Ah, I just threw on an old rerun.
No one will know the difference.
- "[ Upbeat .]
- Huh? Huh? Huh? Eh, children, remain calm.
The Falkland Islands have just been invaded.
I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded! The disputed islands lie here, off the coast of Argentina.
[ Groans .]
This is my pride and joy.
I've had hidden cameras planted in every home in Springfield.
I got the idea from that movie, Sliver.
What a delightful romp.
" [ Wiggum Humming .]
Are you talking to me? There's no one else here.
You must be talking to me.
Well, that was an antique.
Crap! Oh, yeah.
So good.
Oh, that explains his mysterious trip to Holland.
And I had the greatest time.
Mr.
Burns's house has everything-- a hedge maze, a moat, bleached hardwood floors and a bottomless pit.
a hedge maze, a moat, bleached hardwood floors and a bottomless pit.
- It couldn't possibly be bottomless.
- For all intents and purposes.
Hey! Mom, Bart's throwing peas! Bart, don't throw peas at your sister.
Mr.
Burns throws peas at Smithers.
Ow! That was a big one! - Homer, say something.
- Okay.
Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas.
- [ Groans .]
- Oh, yuck.
Meat loaf.
My most hated of all loafs.
[ Gasps .]
That was the end piece! That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! - Go to your room! - No! This family stinks! Mr.
Burns nurtures my destructive side.
I'm suffocating here.
- Bart, you listen! - Oh, go eat some flowers! [ Screams .]
My secret shame.
Smithers, my plan worked perfectly.
Bart Simpson will live here as my son and I will mold him in my own graven image.
Who knows? I may even grow to love him.
Bartholomew! Ugh! Smithers, get it off me! - Bart, you're coming home.
- I want to stay here with Mr.
Burns.
I suggest you leave immediately.
Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees or dogs with bees in their mouth, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead.
Do your worst.
[ Lock Slides Shut .]
He locked the door! I'll show him! [ Rings .]
I'm very concerned.
Mr.
Burns has stolen our son, and he won't give him back.
Oh, for gosh-- Can't you people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be ''policing'' the whole city.
"[ Speakers.
:Muzak .]
Damn clogs.
You good folks can rest easy because you've come to the very best in legal representation.
Uh, excuse me.
Is there an OrangeJulius stand on this floor? I'll sell you this one.
It's almost full.
Why don't I drink out of a toilet bowl? He'll be back.
As for your case, don't you worry.
I've argued in front of every judge in the state, often as a lawyer.
[ Slurping .]
This court rules in favor of Montgomery Burns.
I find that he is clearly the boy's biological father.
[ Happy Chattering .]
Uh,Judge, these won't be ready until Thursday.
You know, we should really stop hiring him.
[ Whistle Tooting .]
- Cool train.
Where does it go? - Beats me.
But it won't be back for three hours and 40 minutes.
- Once it had snow on it.
- Wow, Bart! Mr.
Burns gives you everything you could ever want.
My parents use that old love excuse to screw me out of toys.
Well, I'm sure you'd like to be alone with your possessions.
Um, Milhouse, if you stay a little while longer you can have this blazer.
- It's a Bob Mackie original.
- Wow! A Bob Mackie! Uh sorry, Bart.
[ Groaning .]
Oh.
Bartholomew, you don't need him.
I can be your school yard chum.
Five, 23, skidoo.
Hut, hut! [ Grunts, Panting .]
Oh! For me? But I don't know how to drive.
Oh, pish-posh.
There's a Jaws Of Life in the trunk.
[ Laughing .]
Whoa-ho! Whoo-hoo! Whoa! Oh! Whoo! [ Laughing Continues .]
Whoa! Whoa! - [ Grunting .]
- [ Laughing Continues .]
[ Screams, Sighs .]
- That was some ride.
- You're telling me.
[ Man .]
Mr.
and Mrs.
Simpson your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr.
Burns.
Are you sure you can get him back for us? Absolutely.
I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.
- What about Peter Fonda? - Oh, that was a heartbreaker.
But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings.
You idiot! He was the most talented one! [ Muffled Grunting .]
You do not love Mr.
Burns.
You love Homer and Marge.
You are their son.
What you are doing is wrong, wrong, wrong! Do you mind? You're killing the romance in here.
Well, it was a grueling two weeks, but you have your son back.
Ooh.
Mom.
Dad.
I missed you.
Aww! [ Kissing .]
- Homer, that's Hans Moleman.
- Can I keep him anyway? Huh? Huh? [ TV.]
" Scratchy Show " [ Muffled Whimpering .]
[ Gasps, Screaming .]
[ Laughing Continues .]
Funny.
That was delightful.
Did you see that? That mouse butchered that cat like a hog.
! Is all TV this wonderful? Um, I'd kind of like to go home now.
Like a hog! I-- What? What was that? Mr.
Burns, I don't want to seem ungrateful but I want to go home to my family.
[ Sighs .]
I was hoping I wouldn't have to tell you this but I'm afraid your family doesn't want you back.
[ Stilted Speech .]
I do not miss Bart at all.
[ Shaky Voice .]
I am glad he's gone.
- As am I.
- B'oh! It's probably my imagination but something about them didn't seem quite right.
Really? Excuse me for just a moment.
People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say ''B'oh.
'' He says-- ''D'oh.
'' [ British Accent .]
Sorry, M.
B.
, but I'm having trouble with this character.
Is he supposed to have some kind of neurological impairment like Rain Man or Awakenings? I mean, what the hell am I doing here? And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of Murphy Brown.
[ Low Voice .]
Hey, you know we're getting into golden time? Yes, well,just get it right or you'll all be back doing Come Blow Your Horn at the Westport Dinner Theater.
All right then.
Let's see what the old Simpson family is up to now.
Duh-oh! [ Groans .]
That's them, all right.
I can't believe it.
I guess you're the only one I can trust.
- Hmm? Hmm? - Dad? - [ Bone Snaps .]
- Oh! That rib always breaks.
[ Groaning .]
Lisa, what are you doing? Just trying to fill the void of random, meaningless destruction that Bart's absence has left in our hearts.
- [ Yelps .]
- That's sweet, honey.
- It's a little tight.
- Yes, that's to correct your posture.
Soon you'll have a mighty hump.
Now you really are my son.
This calls for a celebration.
Let's fire some employees.
Excellent.
Okay, let's make this sporting, Leonard.
If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter ''E'' you can keep your job.
Uh, okay.
Um-- - I'm a good work-- guy.
- You're fired.
- But I didn't say-- - You will.
Eeeeeeee! [ Chortling .]
Let me try one.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hey, the trail of donuts ended.
- [ Gasps .]
Bart! - [ Gasps .]
Homer! [ Gasps .]
What a coincidence! And a perfect opportunity for you to prove your loyalty.
Go ahead, Bartholomew.
You may fire when ready.
- [ Groans .]
- [ Whimpers .]
Hurry.
Fire him now or I'll disown you.
You'll lose everything.
The fabulous toys, a lifetime of wealth and luxury the gift certificate from Blockbuster Video the freedom to do whatever you want.
I'll miss you, Son.
I'm sorry, Dad.
- You're fired! - What? Fire me? That does it.
You can never be my son.
- A little to the left.
- Huh? Oh, very well.
You can never be my-- - Eeeeeeee! - [ Gasps .]
Sir, try to land on Leonard's carcass! [ Sighs .]
Son, I know you're upset because you thought you saw us on TV saying we didn't want you in our family - but those were just actors playing us.
- How do you know? Because one of them hung out with me for a week, trying to get my character down.
Yeah, me too.
That midget taught me a lot about his native Estonia.
The point is, the real Simpson family missed you a lot and we're really glad you're home.
[ Kisses .]
- I love you guys.
- Right back at you, Son.
[ All Sighing .]
And now I want you to meet your new brother, Hans Moleman.
Cowabunga, dudes.
[ Kissing .]
Give it a try.
It's like kissing a peanut.
[ Chuckling .]
[ Kissing .]
[ Marge .]
Homer, I want that thing out of my house.
[ Kissing Continues .]
[ Kissing Continues .]
- [ People Chattering .]
- Shh!