Bewitched (1964) s05e19 Episode Script

- Hi, honey.
- Hi! How's everything? Everything is hungry.
What's for dinner? Your favourite.
Irish stew.
Great.
Where's Tabitha? Your mother brought her some modeling clay this afternoon.
She's upstairs testing her creativity.
I'll go take a look.
Hi, little octo-fish.
Your name is going to be Cynthia.
Hi, Tabitha.
Hi, Daddy.
I'm playing with my clay.
I think that's wonderful.
Where did that come from? Cynthia came from my clay.
How did Cynthia come from your clay? I looked at the toys on my shelf and I took clay and I went like this.
Hi, Country Cousin.
Say hello to Cynthia Octo-fish.
Samantha! You're a good yeller, Daddy.
Samantha! Samantha.
Sam? Sam.
Tabitha is upstairs Don't tell me.
Let me guess.
- Tabitha is doing what comes naturally.
- Let me put it this way.
If Ed Sullivan ever caught our daughter's act, he'd book her forever.
Well, sweetheart, you can't really blame her.
I mean, after all, she is a I'm well aware of what she is.
But the fact remains, she's got to be taught to do things in the mortal way.
You're right, sweetheart.
If she knew how to use her hands she wouldn't be tempted to use witchcraft.
I agree, sweetheart.
That's how I feel about it, and I want something to be done.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll learn how to sculpt and then I can teach Tabitha the mortal way.
That's a good idea, Sam.
Darrin, what are you doing? Eating a daisy.
Shall I mention that that's just a teeny bit ridiculous? I admit it's ridiculous, but I can't help myself.
I think I'd better follow the bouncing ball.
"I've heard enough about the clay and Durwood pushing the mortal way.
I'll be watching as he grows wide with flowers piling up inside.
Love, Mother.
" Now, that's what I call a meddling mother-in-law.
Mother, you come here right away and de-spell Darrin.
Your joke is in very poor taste.
No pun intended.
Mother! You come here this instant! Well, well, well.
It looks like Durwood is rehearsing to be a snail.
Well, well, well.
It's the queen of the sick jokes.
Darrin.
Mother, I know how you feel.
But don't you think you've gone a little bit too far? Not at all.
I could have given him an appetite for rubber ducks.
She does have a point, Darrin.
I'd give you an argument if I weren't dying for a bouquet of zinnias.
What's-his-name is forcing my granddaughter to use her hands when she has the world at her nose.
I won't abide that, Samantha.
De-spell him, Mother.
Very well.
Samantha, your sense of values is becoming extremely polluted.
- And don't come back! - Careful, sweetheart.
How about some Irish stew? No, thanks, honey.
Your mother, the wicked witch, has spoiled my appetite.
- Yes? - Mr.
Waldon R.
Campbell is here, sir.
Oh, send him in.
Send him in.
- Mr.
Campbell, good to see you.
- Oh, yes.
Stephens.
Stephens.
Tate, nice-looking receptionist you got out there.
I like the way her chips are stacked.
If you fellas are anything like me, you'll wanna get down to business.
- Right? - Fine.
We thought we'd start with these layouts.
Medicine.
Keeps the blood thin and running nicely through the veins.
Like my old Uncle Clyde used to say, never discuss business before lunch.
Well, we do have a standing 12:30 reservation at the Golden Spoon.
Well, meantime, no sense letting the old blood thicken up on us, huh? Thank you.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Needs a little something.
Oh, yes! "Don't be timid.
Push it.
Work with it.
Get to know your clay.
" Hi, clay.
I'm supposed to get to know you.
Samantha! What are you doing? I'm sculpting, mortal-style.
Oh, how repulsive.
That's like Picasso painting with his feet.
It's going to be a bust of Darrin.
A bust of Durwood? He's already a bust.
Mother, you're a laugh riot.
All right, gentlemen, let's get down to business, huh? Now, Campbell Sporting Goods is very much in need of an image change and I think that McMann & Tate is just the firm that can do it.
Now, let's hear it.
How do you think you can help my company's public image? Mr.
Campaign, our campbell.
Don't we think somebody ought to order lunch? Good idea.
Let's run it up the flagpole and see if anybody salutes.
You guys have already had 10 or 12 olives.
That's enough lunch for anybody.
Let's get down to business, huh? I want to hear the entire campaign concept.
- Now, how does it go? - I'm not sure.
Larry, sing a few bars.
Boy, 10 or 12 martinis and you guys are wiped out.
What has happened to the men of America? I think we're going downhill.
I think it's too late for lunch.
We'd better get back to the office.
Right.
Right.
Good thinking.
Okay, okay.
Go ahead.
Now, look, it's 4:00.
I'll meet you back here at 6:00 for cocktails.
I'll be right here.
Cocktails? Why don't we make it dinner? At Darrin's place.
- At my place? - That's very gracious of you, Darrin.
Sam? - Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi! Did I call you about dinner tonight? - No.
- I didn't think so.
Well, I should have, because Larry and a very important client are coming to dinner tonight.
I couldn't get out of it.
Your eyes are pink.
Make that red.
Honey, I had a very liquid afternoon with Mr.
W.
R.
Campbell.
He's the first 90-proof client we've ever had.
Honey, do you mind pulling together dinner for two more? I have an hour or so, so I can manage.
As long as you're slightly anesthetized this may be a good time to show you my artwork.
Boy, I really need a nap.
Yes.
Well, come on.
There.
Nice.
It's got a lot of texture! Know who it is? It's It's you.
That's me? Well, it's sort of an impressionistic work.
Sort of.
- You hate it.
- Well Don't let it bother you, Samantha.
He would know a Rodin from a hot rock.
Speaking of rocks, how's chances of you climbing back under yours? How would you like to be a carrot growing in a field of rabbits? Darrin, now, please.
Stop it, both of you.
What can you expect from a crotchety old bat who learned to read from the Dead Sea Scrolls? Talk about my age, will he? One of these days, Samantha you're going to find yourself married to a 170-pound warthog.
Now, Mother, he didn't really mean it.
He's just tired.
He's tired, all right.
You'll excuse me.
I have to get started on dinner.
Be good.
Sam! - Sam! - I'm coming, sweetheart.
What is it, Darrin? Oh, my stars! No! Oh, your mother! It seems there's been a sudden improvement here.
Well, you know what a perfectionist Mother is.
That's not the word I have for her.
- I'm getting rid of this.
- Out! You clown! That's all we need around here tonight.
A talking statue.
I hate to tell you this, but your mother is not only a witch she's warped! How utterly, utterly charming of you.
Endora, may I make a respectful request? Butt out.
Darrin.
Mother, this happens to be a very important evening for Darrin, you see, and I couldn't care less about the importance.
Samantha, dear, is that coq au vin I smell? Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.
How thoughtful of you to prepare my favourite dish.
When do we dine? We eat at 7:30! You take your broom to a drive-in or something.
You're not invited.
That's all right, Samantha.
If this is the way Durwood thinks a mother-in-law should be treated he's in for a very interesting evening.
That must be Larry.
Let's not torture ourselves with a lot of good-byes, shall we, Endora? Very well.
Boy, am I asking for it.
I think this is just the beginning of a very long evening.
Stay with me.
Come on.
Oh, boy, what a headache! It's good Louise wasn't home to see me pass out under the coffee table.
Darrin made it all the way upstairs.
Oh.
Oh, hi, Endora! Larry Tate.
- It's always nice to see you, Endora.
- Thank you.
I didn't know your mother-in-law was going to join us.
Neither did I.
Mother just pops in from time to time.
Yes, I'm supposed to be in Paris in 20 minutes.
But it's going to be a little difficult fighting those headwinds.
Now, there's a sense of humour.
Darrin, that's a fantastic likeness of you.
Oh, it isn't that good.
You mean, you did this, Sam? Samantha just started sculpting this morning.
You mean you finished this in one day? If she wanted to, she could whip one up just like that.
- How about a drink? - Fine.
Sam, when you get a moment, do you think you could do one of me? - Oh, I don't - Of course she will.
As a matter of fact, she might have a little surprise around here for you.
I can't get over this.
Where'd your mother go? Well I guess she went to Paris.
I'll get that.
I'll get you a drink, sweetheart.
Sam, I had no idea you had so much talent.
- I'm glad you made it, Mr.
Campbell.
- Yeah, thanks, thanks.
Mr.
Campbell.
Mr.
Campbell, this is my wife, Samantha.
How do you do? I'm sorry I'm a little late.
I had to attend a ribbon-cutting ceremony.
- Friend of mine opened a bar.
- Well, then I don't suppose you'd care for a drink, Mr.
Campbell.
Oh, that's right, Mrs.
Stephens.
Three or four, yes.
One? Never.
- I'll get it.
- Them.
You can put them all in one glass, all four.
Right.
Well! Why don't we all go and sit down to dinner? Oh, before we do, I want Mr.
Campbell to see this.
Samantha did this bust of Darrin in one day.
Now, that's a chrome-plated gas.
Where's the boy with the sauce? Pardon me.
I hope everybody's hungry.
Dinner's ready.
No hassle.
We'll just take the spirits to the table.
It'll help break up all that chewing.
Let's just see if we can't add a dash more interest to Durwood's evening.
- We'll have brandy in the den, all right? - Long as it's brandy we'll have it anyplace you choose.
- Darrin.
Look! This is the surprise Endora was talking about.
Sam! I never realized I had such a beautifully shaped head.
Thanks, Sam.
You little dickens! Oh, it was sort of a party favour.
Mother helped.
Again.
Oh, yes.
It's amazing how much help we get around here from Sam's mother.
I would have done one of Mr.
Campbell, but I didn't know what he looked like.
Sweetheart, can I see you in the kitchen for a minute? - I'll watch that for you.
- Oh.
Thank you.
Honey.
You know something, Campbell? This thing looks like it could talk.
How do you do? How about a shot of that brandy? Right.
Right.
Mother? Mother? Darrin's willing to apologise.
Mother? Maybe I'd better go see what's happening in the other room.
You keep trying.
I think I'll put me where the light's better.
Easy does it, fella.
Darrin, got this statue wired for sound, huh? Why? Did you hear something? Yeah, why? Did you hear something? Can't you guys take a joke? Why don't we have our brandy in the den? Yeah.
Why don't we have our brandy in the den.
I think it's very impolite of them to leave you out of that meeting, gentlemen.
Gentlemen.
Sam made a set of those for each room.
Larry, why don't you put that right there? Sit down, Mr.
Campbell.
Larry.
Can I freshen your Lar? Oh, well.
Now, I think we can bring W.
R.
Campbell Sporting Goods into every home in America.
Here's the number one layout we had in mind.
Mr.
Campbell? Yeah.
Good! Good! Thank you.
Now, here we see the impact of sports on the youth.
Campbell Sports, of course.
You ought to see an allergist.
Lifelike, aren't they? Larry, would you like a little spot of No! No, thank you.
Now, here's the layout we'd use for use in trade magazines to open up new avenues in the direction of sales to colleges pro football teams, et cetera, et cetera.
- Mr.
Campbell? - Fine! Mother, Darrin's suffered enough! Mother.
One of these days.
Pow! Here we see every item in W.
R.
Campbell's line.
Which will wear out at the drop of a hat.
You couldn't have said what I thought you said.
No, no.
He couldn't have said that.
It's all a mirage brought on by the booze.
Mr.
Campbell, you don't hear a mirage.
You see a mirage.
I am seeing and hearing, both.
Those two lumps of rock are talking.
Do you know what he's talking about? Nope.
They're not talking, huh? Okay.
- Darrin.
- Mr.
Campbell let's try to stay with the business at hand, shall we? Now, If you'll just let me show you this next layout we can convince you that McMann & Tate are the logical choice to bring your company exactly what you need.
Speaking of that, why don't you bring me a salami sandwich? Me too.
Heavy on the mayo.
That does it! No more business talk.
- I'm getting out of here.
- What about the account? You got it.
Give me something to sign.
I've got a contract here.
- Now, let's have a drink to this.
- Oh, never again! Boy, when you go from pink elephants to talking rocks it's time to quit.
How do you spell "Campbell"? Sam! Sam, Mr.
Campbell's leaving.
And we made our deal.
Good night, Mr.
Campbell.
Good night, Mrs.
Stephens.
This has been the weirdest evening I've ever had.
Come on, Tate.
- Would you mind pouring me home? - Glad to.
Good night, Sam, Darrin.
Good night, Larry.
We'll be talking to you in the morning, Mr.
Campbell.
- Afternoon.
- Fine.
Oh, congratulations.
Was someone looking for me? Now she shows up! Mother, I know you think you made a shambles of this evening but it turned out just fine.
Mr.
Campbell signed the contract, and Darrin has the account.
As a matter of fact, if it hadn't been for you we may not have gotten the account at all.
Worth a couple of million in billings.
You certainly know how to disgust a person.
Well, well, just another run-of-the-mill day in the life of the Stephenses.
Hey! How about that salami sandwich? Heavy on the mayo! Mother! Mother dear! I think you forgot something.
Mother, come back here! Oh, good grief.