Friends s05e19 Episode Script
467669 - The One Where Ross Can't Flirt
Wow! You look nice.
What's the occasion? Monica and I are celebrating our 10-month anniversary.
Got reservations at Jean-George.
How'd you get in? Made a few calls, pulled some strings and they'll seat us if we both have chicken and don't get dessert.
-Hi, Chandler.
-Hey, Caitlin.
Somebody got a haircut.
I hate it.
I look like an 8-year-old boy.
If that was true, gym class would've been more interesting.
-It's $27 even.
-Okay.
Here you go.
Where's the chicken? It's in the back.
The duck pissed him off.
He said that eggs came first.
-Thanks.
I'll see you later.
-Bye.
What the hell was that? -What? -The flirting.
Aren't you supposed to be going out with, let's see, my sister? I wasn't flirting.
It was totally flirting! "Somebody got a haircut.
" First of all, the impression? Uncanny.
Second, that wasn't flirting.
That was just casual conversation.
Yeah, right.
You wanna see flirting? I'll show you.
I'm good.
The One Where Ross Can't Flirt I am so proud of Joey.
-He's gonna be on Law and Order! -I know.
Don't you think it should be called Order and Law? No, because they arrest the guy and then try him.
Don't get me started on that.
-I was not flirting.
-And on your anniversary.
For shame! What's going on? He was hitting on the hot delivery girl.
I was not.
And oh, God! You were.
If anyone should be hitting on her it's the guy who's single the guy who can do something about it.
Sounds like someone wants to be Mr.
Pizza Delivery Girl.
Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin? Ross, we broke up two years ago.
You've been married since then.
I think it's okay that we see other people.
I was watching her at the pizza place.
And she was just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little We don't need her measurements.
Pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni.
She's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid? She forgot my vegetarian.
This is perfect.
She'll have to come back here with your pizza.
And when she does, I will turn on the charm "au" Ross.
I am so glad you don't eat meat.
See? Vegetarianism benefits everyone.
Hey, everybody, look who's here! You remember my grandmother.
-Big night! -Yeah, it's so cool.
Joey on Law and Order.
You must be proud.
She doesn't understand a word of English.
I thought you were Joey's other grandmother.
I've done it again.
Nonnie's my biggest fan.
She's the only one in the family who's always believed in me.
Si.
Big star.
My big fat Joey star.
Yeah, I weighed, like, -Happy anniversary! -Happy anniversary, 10 months.
In the shower I was thinking about our first night in London.
Joey's grandmother's right there.
-The one who speaks English? -The one who doesn't.
That was some hot love you gave me.
-I'll get ready.
-Wear those earrings I got you.
That's a great idea.
I was saving them for something special.
-You've got to go home.
-But I like it here.
Get the earrings you borrowed.
He wants me to wear them.
I think they're in my purse.
Go get dressed and I'll look for them.
I need those earrings you borrowed.
Yeah, I'll be right back.
Phoebe, you speak ltalian? I guess so.
-Here you go.
-Thanks.
Where's the other one? Oh, what, you want both of them? That's a little greedy, don't you think? Rachel Karen Greene, where's the other one? Look, just don't freak out, but I kind of lost it.
I know it's in the apartment, but I definitely lost it.
What'll I tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight.
-Tell her to wear her own earrings.
-These are her earrings.
You lent me her earrings? I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff! -Why not? -Because I lose her stuff! You see that blind guy? I'm gonna bash his head in later.
My big scene's coming up.
The big scene coming up.
If you said, "Big lima bean bubbling up," would she know the difference? What are you doing? Oh, I just can't watch.
It's too scary.
It's a diaper commercial.
Yeah, well, you know me.
Babies, responsibilities.
-Pizza delivery.
-I'll get it! I will get that! How does my hair look? Ross, it hasn't moved since 1996.
One vegetarian pizza.
It's 12.
50.
By the way, if it makes you feel any better I happen to like What? Your hair.
Before.
Your hair.
You said you thought your hair looked like an 8-year-old boy's and I'm just saying I like it.
The hair.
Thanks.
You understand, I don't actually like 8-year-old boys.
All I'm looking for is the money.
Here you go.
Stop bringing us pizzas, you.
I'm gonna try.
You're welcome.
You couldn't let me have her, could you? This is a girl I really like, and you had to swoop in there! What? Chandler was flirting with the hot delivery girl.
Thank you for that.
I was not flirting.
It's okay.
I don't care.
That's fine.
Really? It's no big deal.
I do it all the time.
You flirt with guys all the time? It doesn't mean anything.
Just like it doesn't mean anything with you.
There's a difference.
You're a lot hotter.
True story.
This actually bothers you? Yes, and I think it'd bother a lot of people.
When you and Ross dated did it bother you when he flirted with other women? No, it bothered me when he slept with other women.
And thank you for that.
I never had to worry.
He was never good at the flirting thing.
What are you talking about? It worked with you.
No, you're right.
We met, you flirted and then bam! Nine years later, you had me.
All right.
You know what I'll do? I'll order another pizza.
And when Caitlin gets here I will show you how well I flirt.
I will get her phone number.
And not the one on the menu.
-I found it.
-Thank God! Where was it? On your dresser.
Okay, that is the one we already have.
Here's my big scene.
My big scene's here.
-Wanna bet nobody heard anything? -No bet.
Anybody home? -Oh, my God.
-What? Everybody keep smiling.
It'll kill my grandmother if she finds out.
What is it? They cut me out of the show.
What? -Are you sure? -Maybe your scene's coming up.
Not likely.
Because you see that body bag right there? I'm in it.
This is terrible.
What'll you do? I don't know.
This little old lady lives for my career.
When they dumped me off Days of Our Lives, she almost died.
That's not good.
-Yeah, we had to get her a home nurse.
-Oh, my God.
Yeah, she almost died and got really expensive.
You're not smiling.
Not that face! Everybody smile! Just tell her what happened.
It's not your fault.
If we keep talking this way, won't we freak her out soon? Soon.
I'm gonna be on soon.
There I am! Sam Waterston! No, no.
That's me.
That's me! No.
Sam Waterston.
Crime Misdemeanor, Capricorn One.
She doesn't know "hello," but she knows Capricorn One.
I need those earrings.
We're leaving when the show's over.
But I already gave them back to you.
No, you didn't.
I already didn't gave them back to you.
That's what I said.
Where's that other earring? It's not here, Phoebe.
It's not here.
I went to Chandler's last night.
Make sure you check Chandler's jewelry box.
Chandler has a jewelry box? We have 10 minutes.
Do you want me to get into that now? Hey, Phoebe.
How's that vegetarian pizza working out for you? You and those vegetables have a real thing going on, huh? Why are you being weird? Do you like it? No.
That'd be, "Why are you being cute?" Okay.
I'm working on my flirting.
I did not get that.
So, Monica, do you like Law and Order? Yeah, it's good.
I found out all this stuff about you.
You like Law and Order and you've flirted with every guy in the tri-state area.
Okay, let me get this straight.
It's okay for you to flirt, but not for me? I'm glad we cleared that up.
I'm sorry, but some things are different for men and women.
Teach me about men and women.
I've already taught you so much already, but whatever.
When you flirt with a guy, you think, "No big deal.
" But he thinks, "Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me.
" -No way! -It's true.
-Well, that's pathetic.
-Again, true.
-This goes for all guys? -All guys that are awake.
We go to sleep.
All guys from the other end of the world wake up and act the same way.
It's another commercial and I still haven't told her.
Joey, this is the last commercial.
-You got 10 minutes left.
-I know! What am I gonna do? You will not run out and leave her here.
Yeah, all right.
Joey's gonna be right back.
Right back? Meanwhile, let's talk about you.
So you're old and small.
-Did you find it? -The earring, no.
But I found my sunglasses.
I've been looking for these since last summer.
Those are mine.
You borrowed them from me.
Okay.
Calm down.
Here they are.
-What do we do? -I don't know.
I don't know! We'll just have to tell Monica, that's all.
Oh, God! She's gonna kill me.
I could tell her it was all my fault.
Oh, that'd be great.
Mon, could I talk to you? Yeah.
What is it? I lost one of your earrings.
I'm sorry.
I am so, so sorry.
All right, what can you do? If you lost it, you lost it.
I'll replace it.
I promise.
I feel so terrible.
That's fine.
You didn't do it on purpose.
Look at you.
Come here.
-You feel better? -Yeah.
You're the best.
Okay, wait a minute.
I can't do this.
Listen, honey, it's not Phoebe's fault.
She lent me the earrings.
I lost it.
I'm so sorry, honey.
I feel terrible too.
That is exactly why I do not lend you stuff! First, my jewelry.
If it's not that, it's my sweater.
And if it's not that, it's my sunglasses.
Your sunglasses? Oh, right.
-Pizza.
-Mine, mine, mine! Okay, here goes.
Prepare yourselves for some class-A flirting.
Okay, hold on.
If you really like this girl, I don't think flirting is the right way You'll see.
What's her name? Caitlin! We can't keep eating like this.
It's $12.
50.
Do you make the pizzas in one of those wood-burning ovens? No, actually, I think they're gas.
Gas? Intense.
If this is how all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a problem.
You know that smell gas has? They put that in.
-What? -The gas is odorless.
But they add the smell so you know when there's a leak.
Well, okay.
A lot of other gas smells.
Oh, the humanity! Methane smells.
You know what? Actually, I really should go.
-But I haven't paid you yet.
-That's okay.
You guys have ordered so many that this one's on me.
Was I talking to her about gas? More so than anything else.
I found it interesting.
I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it.
In nine years, she and l will be right there! I'm gonna clear out some of these boxes.
What else do they add smell to? Caitlin! Caitlin! Hi, I'm Rachel.
The people with all the pizza.
Was there a problem? No, they're fine.
Great pizza.
But, actually, my friend Ross he gets nervous when he's flirting.
Oh, my God! That was flirting? I know, I know.
I'm telling you, once you get past that part where it feels like you wanna die he's a really good person.
The guy with the gas? I'm telling you, he's really sweet and really funny and he's just got a good heart.
You know, actually, I did think that he was cute and then he started talking.
See, there you go.
-Besides, I think he really likes you.
-Really? Well, we have seven people and 10 pizzas.
What do you think? I thought Joey was there.
Yeah, no, but just I'm telling you he's worth a shot.
Well, if he's so great why don't you go out with him? Well, you know, at some point you and I may need to have a longer conversation.
Hey, Ross? I just ran into Caitlin in the hallway.
You must be getting better at this flirting stuff than I thought.
-What? -I don't get it, but she wanted me to give you her number.
And she just gave you this? Rach, thanks.
But I don't need you doing me any favors.
I didn't.
She thought you were cute.
Well, that I can believe.
Hey, is the show still on? Almost over, man.
Hey, Nonnie.
Is that the pope? Why am I looking? Oh, here I am! This is my big scene.
All right, back off! I got a gun! I'm not afraid to use it.
That's right, Nonnie.
You couldn't have at least changed your shirt? Now, I want a suitcase filled with $ 100,000 Filled with $ 100,000 in small bills.
And if I don't get Shoo! And if I don't get it I'll shoot this duck! Oh, no! I'm coming out! And she's supposed to buy this? Ground control to Major Tom Commencing countdown Engines On That's scenes from next week's show.
Next week.
I am definitely gonna watch that.
Do these look the same? -Definitely.
-Not as each other.
Then, no.
-Hey, you ready? -Yeah.
You look amazing.
I'm the luckiest man in the world.
You're about to get a little luckier.
-Let me see the earrings.
-Right, the earrings.
They look great.
Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what? My boyfriend really does have great taste.
Thanks for picking out the earrings.
What's the occasion? Monica and I are celebrating our 10-month anniversary.
Got reservations at Jean-George.
How'd you get in? Made a few calls, pulled some strings and they'll seat us if we both have chicken and don't get dessert.
-Hi, Chandler.
-Hey, Caitlin.
Somebody got a haircut.
I hate it.
I look like an 8-year-old boy.
If that was true, gym class would've been more interesting.
-It's $27 even.
-Okay.
Here you go.
Where's the chicken? It's in the back.
The duck pissed him off.
He said that eggs came first.
-Thanks.
I'll see you later.
-Bye.
What the hell was that? -What? -The flirting.
Aren't you supposed to be going out with, let's see, my sister? I wasn't flirting.
It was totally flirting! "Somebody got a haircut.
" First of all, the impression? Uncanny.
Second, that wasn't flirting.
That was just casual conversation.
Yeah, right.
You wanna see flirting? I'll show you.
I'm good.
The One Where Ross Can't Flirt I am so proud of Joey.
-He's gonna be on Law and Order! -I know.
Don't you think it should be called Order and Law? No, because they arrest the guy and then try him.
Don't get me started on that.
-I was not flirting.
-And on your anniversary.
For shame! What's going on? He was hitting on the hot delivery girl.
I was not.
And oh, God! You were.
If anyone should be hitting on her it's the guy who's single the guy who can do something about it.
Sounds like someone wants to be Mr.
Pizza Delivery Girl.
Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin? Ross, we broke up two years ago.
You've been married since then.
I think it's okay that we see other people.
I was watching her at the pizza place.
And she was just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little We don't need her measurements.
Pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni.
She's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid? She forgot my vegetarian.
This is perfect.
She'll have to come back here with your pizza.
And when she does, I will turn on the charm "au" Ross.
I am so glad you don't eat meat.
See? Vegetarianism benefits everyone.
Hey, everybody, look who's here! You remember my grandmother.
-Big night! -Yeah, it's so cool.
Joey on Law and Order.
You must be proud.
She doesn't understand a word of English.
I thought you were Joey's other grandmother.
I've done it again.
Nonnie's my biggest fan.
She's the only one in the family who's always believed in me.
Si.
Big star.
My big fat Joey star.
Yeah, I weighed, like, -Happy anniversary! -Happy anniversary, 10 months.
In the shower I was thinking about our first night in London.
Joey's grandmother's right there.
-The one who speaks English? -The one who doesn't.
That was some hot love you gave me.
-I'll get ready.
-Wear those earrings I got you.
That's a great idea.
I was saving them for something special.
-You've got to go home.
-But I like it here.
Get the earrings you borrowed.
He wants me to wear them.
I think they're in my purse.
Go get dressed and I'll look for them.
I need those earrings you borrowed.
Yeah, I'll be right back.
Phoebe, you speak ltalian? I guess so.
-Here you go.
-Thanks.
Where's the other one? Oh, what, you want both of them? That's a little greedy, don't you think? Rachel Karen Greene, where's the other one? Look, just don't freak out, but I kind of lost it.
I know it's in the apartment, but I definitely lost it.
What'll I tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight.
-Tell her to wear her own earrings.
-These are her earrings.
You lent me her earrings? I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff! -Why not? -Because I lose her stuff! You see that blind guy? I'm gonna bash his head in later.
My big scene's coming up.
The big scene coming up.
If you said, "Big lima bean bubbling up," would she know the difference? What are you doing? Oh, I just can't watch.
It's too scary.
It's a diaper commercial.
Yeah, well, you know me.
Babies, responsibilities.
-Pizza delivery.
-I'll get it! I will get that! How does my hair look? Ross, it hasn't moved since 1996.
One vegetarian pizza.
It's 12.
50.
By the way, if it makes you feel any better I happen to like What? Your hair.
Before.
Your hair.
You said you thought your hair looked like an 8-year-old boy's and I'm just saying I like it.
The hair.
Thanks.
You understand, I don't actually like 8-year-old boys.
All I'm looking for is the money.
Here you go.
Stop bringing us pizzas, you.
I'm gonna try.
You're welcome.
You couldn't let me have her, could you? This is a girl I really like, and you had to swoop in there! What? Chandler was flirting with the hot delivery girl.
Thank you for that.
I was not flirting.
It's okay.
I don't care.
That's fine.
Really? It's no big deal.
I do it all the time.
You flirt with guys all the time? It doesn't mean anything.
Just like it doesn't mean anything with you.
There's a difference.
You're a lot hotter.
True story.
This actually bothers you? Yes, and I think it'd bother a lot of people.
When you and Ross dated did it bother you when he flirted with other women? No, it bothered me when he slept with other women.
And thank you for that.
I never had to worry.
He was never good at the flirting thing.
What are you talking about? It worked with you.
No, you're right.
We met, you flirted and then bam! Nine years later, you had me.
All right.
You know what I'll do? I'll order another pizza.
And when Caitlin gets here I will show you how well I flirt.
I will get her phone number.
And not the one on the menu.
-I found it.
-Thank God! Where was it? On your dresser.
Okay, that is the one we already have.
Here's my big scene.
My big scene's here.
-Wanna bet nobody heard anything? -No bet.
Anybody home? -Oh, my God.
-What? Everybody keep smiling.
It'll kill my grandmother if she finds out.
What is it? They cut me out of the show.
What? -Are you sure? -Maybe your scene's coming up.
Not likely.
Because you see that body bag right there? I'm in it.
This is terrible.
What'll you do? I don't know.
This little old lady lives for my career.
When they dumped me off Days of Our Lives, she almost died.
That's not good.
-Yeah, we had to get her a home nurse.
-Oh, my God.
Yeah, she almost died and got really expensive.
You're not smiling.
Not that face! Everybody smile! Just tell her what happened.
It's not your fault.
If we keep talking this way, won't we freak her out soon? Soon.
I'm gonna be on soon.
There I am! Sam Waterston! No, no.
That's me.
That's me! No.
Sam Waterston.
Crime Misdemeanor, Capricorn One.
She doesn't know "hello," but she knows Capricorn One.
I need those earrings.
We're leaving when the show's over.
But I already gave them back to you.
No, you didn't.
I already didn't gave them back to you.
That's what I said.
Where's that other earring? It's not here, Phoebe.
It's not here.
I went to Chandler's last night.
Make sure you check Chandler's jewelry box.
Chandler has a jewelry box? We have 10 minutes.
Do you want me to get into that now? Hey, Phoebe.
How's that vegetarian pizza working out for you? You and those vegetables have a real thing going on, huh? Why are you being weird? Do you like it? No.
That'd be, "Why are you being cute?" Okay.
I'm working on my flirting.
I did not get that.
So, Monica, do you like Law and Order? Yeah, it's good.
I found out all this stuff about you.
You like Law and Order and you've flirted with every guy in the tri-state area.
Okay, let me get this straight.
It's okay for you to flirt, but not for me? I'm glad we cleared that up.
I'm sorry, but some things are different for men and women.
Teach me about men and women.
I've already taught you so much already, but whatever.
When you flirt with a guy, you think, "No big deal.
" But he thinks, "Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me.
" -No way! -It's true.
-Well, that's pathetic.
-Again, true.
-This goes for all guys? -All guys that are awake.
We go to sleep.
All guys from the other end of the world wake up and act the same way.
It's another commercial and I still haven't told her.
Joey, this is the last commercial.
-You got 10 minutes left.
-I know! What am I gonna do? You will not run out and leave her here.
Yeah, all right.
Joey's gonna be right back.
Right back? Meanwhile, let's talk about you.
So you're old and small.
-Did you find it? -The earring, no.
But I found my sunglasses.
I've been looking for these since last summer.
Those are mine.
You borrowed them from me.
Okay.
Calm down.
Here they are.
-What do we do? -I don't know.
I don't know! We'll just have to tell Monica, that's all.
Oh, God! She's gonna kill me.
I could tell her it was all my fault.
Oh, that'd be great.
Mon, could I talk to you? Yeah.
What is it? I lost one of your earrings.
I'm sorry.
I am so, so sorry.
All right, what can you do? If you lost it, you lost it.
I'll replace it.
I promise.
I feel so terrible.
That's fine.
You didn't do it on purpose.
Look at you.
Come here.
-You feel better? -Yeah.
You're the best.
Okay, wait a minute.
I can't do this.
Listen, honey, it's not Phoebe's fault.
She lent me the earrings.
I lost it.
I'm so sorry, honey.
I feel terrible too.
That is exactly why I do not lend you stuff! First, my jewelry.
If it's not that, it's my sweater.
And if it's not that, it's my sunglasses.
Your sunglasses? Oh, right.
-Pizza.
-Mine, mine, mine! Okay, here goes.
Prepare yourselves for some class-A flirting.
Okay, hold on.
If you really like this girl, I don't think flirting is the right way You'll see.
What's her name? Caitlin! We can't keep eating like this.
It's $12.
50.
Do you make the pizzas in one of those wood-burning ovens? No, actually, I think they're gas.
Gas? Intense.
If this is how all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a problem.
You know that smell gas has? They put that in.
-What? -The gas is odorless.
But they add the smell so you know when there's a leak.
Well, okay.
A lot of other gas smells.
Oh, the humanity! Methane smells.
You know what? Actually, I really should go.
-But I haven't paid you yet.
-That's okay.
You guys have ordered so many that this one's on me.
Was I talking to her about gas? More so than anything else.
I found it interesting.
I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it.
In nine years, she and l will be right there! I'm gonna clear out some of these boxes.
What else do they add smell to? Caitlin! Caitlin! Hi, I'm Rachel.
The people with all the pizza.
Was there a problem? No, they're fine.
Great pizza.
But, actually, my friend Ross he gets nervous when he's flirting.
Oh, my God! That was flirting? I know, I know.
I'm telling you, once you get past that part where it feels like you wanna die he's a really good person.
The guy with the gas? I'm telling you, he's really sweet and really funny and he's just got a good heart.
You know, actually, I did think that he was cute and then he started talking.
See, there you go.
-Besides, I think he really likes you.
-Really? Well, we have seven people and 10 pizzas.
What do you think? I thought Joey was there.
Yeah, no, but just I'm telling you he's worth a shot.
Well, if he's so great why don't you go out with him? Well, you know, at some point you and I may need to have a longer conversation.
Hey, Ross? I just ran into Caitlin in the hallway.
You must be getting better at this flirting stuff than I thought.
-What? -I don't get it, but she wanted me to give you her number.
And she just gave you this? Rach, thanks.
But I don't need you doing me any favors.
I didn't.
She thought you were cute.
Well, that I can believe.
Hey, is the show still on? Almost over, man.
Hey, Nonnie.
Is that the pope? Why am I looking? Oh, here I am! This is my big scene.
All right, back off! I got a gun! I'm not afraid to use it.
That's right, Nonnie.
You couldn't have at least changed your shirt? Now, I want a suitcase filled with $ 100,000 Filled with $ 100,000 in small bills.
And if I don't get Shoo! And if I don't get it I'll shoot this duck! Oh, no! I'm coming out! And she's supposed to buy this? Ground control to Major Tom Commencing countdown Engines On That's scenes from next week's show.
Next week.
I am definitely gonna watch that.
Do these look the same? -Definitely.
-Not as each other.
Then, no.
-Hey, you ready? -Yeah.
You look amazing.
I'm the luckiest man in the world.
You're about to get a little luckier.
-Let me see the earrings.
-Right, the earrings.
They look great.
Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what? My boyfriend really does have great taste.
Thanks for picking out the earrings.