I Love Lucy (1951) s05e19 Episode Script

(theme song ending) ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy.
" (applause) Oh, boy, this is good French pastry! (clears throat) Ethel, there he is.
There who is? Charles Boyer.
Where? Right here.
Oh, not again.
Honey, this is the fifth time you've seen Charles Boyer today.
That is the back of his head.
I will know it anywhere.
In Hollywood, every guy you passed in the street was Clark Gable.
In Paris, it's Charles Boyer.
I don't care.
I have seen every picture he ever made and if that isn't Well, that's the way he would look if he had a beard.
I'm getting sick and tired of you and your imaginary Charles Boyers.
I don't want to hear another word about it.
All right, all right.
You don't have to get mad.
I think he's jealous.
Lucy, are you going to finish that pastry? No.
Go ahead, help yourself.
(cackling) Fred, did you get the itinerary for Europe yet? Yeah.
We're going to stay over here in Europe a lot longer than we planned.
OTHERS: We are? FRED: Here's a list of the places we're playing.
Well, that's good.
If you want to see someone who looks more like that man I keep seeing than anyone we've seen yet, look over there.
Lucy! That really is him! FRED: Well, it sure looks like him.
This time, I'm positive! Come on.
Come on, let's Just a minute.
Quiet down.
Why? What's the matter? You're not going to go over.
Why not? Because something awful is bound to happen.
Oh, don't be silly.
What could happen? I don't know, I don't know, but I don't want to be embarrassed.
You somehow or other seem to attract trouble.
Oh, give me one good example where I ever attracted trouble.
All right.
We arrived in Paris, you went sightseeing, and we all wound up in jail as counterfeiters.
That could have happened to anyone.
All right, in Hollywood, you went to the Brown Derby for dinner, and Bill Holden ended up with a face full of pie.
That was purely an accident.
Van Johnson.
Well, that John Wayne.
That was not my fault.
Come on, let's go.
Come on.
Just a minute.
You can't go over there like that.
Why? What's the matter? Uh, you need lipstick.
Oh, I do? Oh, you do, honey.
We'd better fix your face up a little.
He hasn't ordered yet.
It's him.
Yeah.
I just want to get rid of him.
I got an idea.
I'm going to go over there and talk to him.
Yeah, let's go have a chat Sit down, will you? Two cornballs in this outfit is enough.
Excuse me.
I'm Ricky Ricardo.
Oh, oh, yes, of course.
How are you? I'm glad to see you.
Sit down.
Thank you.
My agent cabled me about having lunch with you sometime this week.
I was going to call you at your hotel.
Oh.
I think it's about doing some television shows in the States on Four Star Playhouse.
Yes, well, uh, I didn't come over to talk business with you.
I came over to warn you.
Warn me? About what? Well have you ever heard about my wife? Oh, yes, yes.
Uh, her name is Lucy, is that it? That's right, yeah.
Yes, yes, I heard all those publicity stories about her.
Yeah, well, I got news for you.
Those were not publicity stories.
You mean they were true? Yes.
Well, she must she must, she must be quite a character.
Well, she's, uh more than just a character.
She's a a Oh, yes, yes, we have a word for her in French: balle de vis.
What does that mean? Screwball.
That's the word.
That's exactly the word.
Well, look, she's coming over here to ask for your autograph.
Play it safe- tell her you're not Charles Boyer.
Well, she certainly can see that I know, but she's already seen ten men today that she thought was you.
So, just tell her that she made another mistake.
All right, Charles? Charles? But I think you made a mistake, monsieur.
My name is Maurice, Maurice DuBois.
Thank you very much, Mr.
DuBois.
It'll be a pleasure having lunch with you later on in the week.
Good-bye, Mr.
Ricardo.
Thank you.
(chuckling) Oh, he's a nice fellow.
I've been watching him, Rick, and I don't know.
What do dames see in him? Well, I guess he's What's he got that I haven't got? Nothing.
It's just what you got that he hasn't got that louses you up.
We'll be right back.
RICKY: Mm-hmm.
Pardon me.
Uh, I'm Lucy Ricardo, and this is my friend, Ethel Mertz.
(giddily): Oh, Mr.
Boyer, how do you do? It's happened again! What? I'm terribly sorry to disappoint you, lady, but I'm afraid you've made a mistake.
Oh? Yes.
People are always taking me for Charles Boyer, but I'm not.
My name is Maurice, Maurice DuBois.
Oh oh.
Personally, I don't understand why people make the mistake.
Well, now that I see you up closer, I can tell that you're not Boyer.
Sorry to disappoint you, ladies.
You know, you don't even sound like him, does he? No.
Well, good.
You know, that whole resemblance to Boyer has been my downfall.
Oh, how come? Well, you see I am actor, too.
Oh.
And because I look like him, producers will not hire me.
And between you and me, I am a much better actor than he is.
Oh, come now.
I happen to think that Charles Boyer is a marvelous actor.
He is the greatest.
Ha! Well, that's sour grapes if I ever heard it.
Well, huh, you can hardly blame me.
It has changed my whole life.
Oh, well, I can understand that.
Well, sorry we bothered you, Mr.
, uh Eh, DuBois.
Oh, yes.
Well, um uh, see you, uh, later.
Good-bye.
I'm sorry I'm not Charles Boyer.
That makes three of us.
I could have sworn that was him.
Yeah.
Huh? Oh.
Come on, let's go.
Oh, you get your autograph? No.
That wasn't Charles Boyer.
Are you kidding? No.
No, it was some ham actor named Maurice DuBois.
Oh, what do you know.
He looked so much like Boyer.
Nah, not really.
Come on.
(knock at door) Oh, come in, Fred.
Hi, Rick.
What do you want? Listen, did you give out any publicity about me having luncheon with Charles Boyer this week.
Of course not.
That must have been Don Sharp.
What's the matter? These agents.
See the Paris Tribune? No.
Listen to this.
"International Note.
" "Cuban Ricky Ricardo and French Charles Boyer "have a luncheon engagement this week here in Paris to discuss a deal for American television.
" Uh-oh.
How am I gonna keep Lucy away from this luncheon? Well, you could lock her in the closet.
Cut it out, will you? No, you know what I was thinking? You know, the other day at that restaurant when I said to her that I was sick and tired of her imaginary Charles Boyer? She thought I was jealous, right? Uh-huh.
Well, what if I put on a big act and make her really think that I'm jealous? You're not that good an actor.
Is that so? Ricky did you see Buchwald's column? Yes.
Are you really having lunch with Boyer? Yes, I am.
Can I go with you? No.
But Ricky! I said no.
(whining): Oh, why can't I go? Mr.
Boyer is my idol.
He's so romantic.
How can I leave Paris (shouting): I said, "No!" I am sick and tired of hearing you talk about him.
"Charles Boyer, Charles Boyer, Charles Boyer.
" What is he, the end of the earth or something? Well, no, he's just Yeeees, you just said what he was! He's your idol! "He's so romantic!" (grunts) Why, Ricky, you're jealous.
Jealous? Ha! You are.
Fred, will you pardon me? This is a private matter.
Please.
I'll be glad to.
Thank you.
All right, now you know my secret.
I am jealous- insanely jealous! But, honey, you have nothing to be jealous about.
Charles Boyer, he's just a movie star.
I haven't even met him.
And you're not going to.
Huh huh Why would I introduce a charming man like Charles Boyer to a gorgeous redhead like you? Well You're not even going to get near him.
Do you hear me? You're mine, mine, all mine! Wow! Who needs Boyer? You don't, that's who.
Darling, I have to leave you now, but I'll be back to your arms as soon as I can.
(weakly): All right.
Wait for me, my love.
I will.
Good-bye, my sweet.
Good-bye.
My goodness! Lucy, Lucy, is it true? Is he really going to have lunch with Charles Boyer? Oh, boy, this is your big opportunity, huh? No, Ethel, I'm not going.
Why not? I have a big problem.
Ricky is insanely jealous of Charles Boyer.
(cackling) Oh, Lucy.
He is.
You should have seen him.
He was so mad, he was snorting like a bull, and his eyes bugged out something awful.
Worse than they usually do? Yeah.
What's your big problem? I should think you'd be delighted.
Well, it's flattering, but it's also very disturbing.
How would you feel if-if Fred were smoldering with jealousy? Fred wouldn't smolder if he backed into a blowtorch.
I've just got to do something to prove to him that Charles Boyer doesn't mean a thing to me.
What can you possibly do? Well listen, do you remember that actor we met in that restaurant? That that Maurice DuBois, the one that looks like Boyer? Yeah.
Ricky thought he really was Charles Boyer, right? He sure did.
Well, I'm going to ask Maurice DuBois to come up here and make love to me right in front of Ricky.
And I won't pay a bit of attention to him, see? And when Ricky sees that I'm not a bit impressed, he'll realize that he has nothing to be jealous about.
Oh, boy, this is one of your crazy schemes you can leave me out of.
Who asked you in? Well, you always do drag me into your crazy schemes.
Well, this is one time I can do without you.
What's wrong with me all of a sudden? Well, nothing, but this, I can handle by myself.
I know this sounds crazy, but I feel left out.
Well, all right, Ethel, come along if you want to.
No, I don't want to; I just wanted you to ask me.
Oh, well I'll see you later.
Okay.
Good work.
Okay.
Madame, perhaps, would like another cafe? Oh, no, thank you.
I've already had seven.
Listen, are you sure you don't know Maurice DuBois? I'm sorry, no.
Funny, I felt sure he hung around here all the time.
There he is.
Je vous demande pardon, madame.
This is Monsieur Charles Boyer! Ha, ha.
So he fooled you, too, huh? Well, good, that means he can fool my husband.
Here you are.
Merci, madame.
Merci.
Monsieur DuBois? You are Monsieur DuBois, aren't you? Oh, oh, yes, I certainly am.
Oh, it's nice to see you again.
Well, it's very nice seeing you.
I've been waiting for you for hours.
For me? Yes.
I- I have something very important to talk to you about.
Oh, I'm sorry, but I have a luncheon engagement.
This is very important.
I have a job for you- an acting job.
Oh, really? Yes.
Yes, it, uh (clears throat) It's a romantic lead.
Do you think you can handle it? Well, I don't know.
I've never done anything like that before.
I see.
Well, what kind of acting do you do? Mostly Westerns.
French Westerns? Yep.
Well, do you think that you can do an imitation of Charles Boyer? (chuckling): Oh Oh, I doubt it.
Oh, he's so so corny.
Corny? My, you are bitter, aren't you? Well, and that voice of his.
He always sounds like he has indigestion.
Don't worry about the voice.
That, you can fake; I'll coach you.
All right, I can try, but what's this all about, anyway? Well, my husband, Ricky, is insanely jealous of Charles Boyer.
No, he is? Yes.
'Course there's no sense to it.
We've been happily married for 15 years.
But I want to prove to Ricky that he has no reason to be jealous.
And where do I come in? I want you to play a love scene with me in front of Ricky.
And when he sees I'm not a bit impressed, he'll realize that he has nothing to be jealous about.
Will you do it? Well, you know, it's a tough assignment.
I'm a good actor, but I'm not sure I'm that good.
Well, we'll see.
Now, I'll give you ten dollars.
That's 3,500 francs! Hey, that's a lot of money.
Yes, it is.
Remember, if you do it well, you never can tell what might happen.
I know a lot of pretty big people in Hollywood.
You do? Well, in that case, I can't afford to turn you down.
Good.
Good.
Now, can you get out of this luncheon today? This- oh, no, no, I'm afraid not.
No? Well, all right, I'm at the Hotel Royal.
As soon as you have your little luncheon, come up and I'll start coaching you.
I'll be there as soon as I can.
Fine.
I'll see you later.
Good-bye, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
Hello, Ricky.
Hi, Charles.
I've been just having a chat with your wife.
What?! Don't worry.
She still thinks I'm Maurice DuBois.
Good, good.
And, by the way, she told me you are jealous of Charles Boyer.
(laughing uncontrollably) I put on a big act for her the other day because I wanted to keep her away from this luncheon, you know.
What did she want with you? Wait, wait until you hear the plot she's cooked up.
She wants me Don't do it.
But you haven't even heard what it is.
It doesn't matter, don't do it.
Ricky, I think it might be a lot of fun.
She's hiring me to play the part of Charles Boyer.
Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.
You see, she is really quite concerned about your jealousy, and she wants All right, Maurice, now you know what to do.
Let's pretend that Ricky is seated over there.
Go ahead.
Oh, no, no, Maurice.
What's wrong? Charles Boyer doesn't kiss like that.
When you kiss a woman's hand, put some schmaltz into it.
(smooching loudly) Silent schmaltz.
Honestly, I don't know how you ever make a living as an actor.
I often wonder myself.
Well, for one thing, don't just sit there like a bump on a log.
Sit up, sit up.
Try to look romantic, like Boyer.
All right, and how does your Boyer look romantic? Well for one thing, he gets an expression on his face like he just walked into the grand ballroom and smelled cauliflower cooking.
Oh, I see.
Like that, huh? That's it.
That's the look.
That's good.
Now, now tell me you like me.
Madame Ricardo, I like you very much.
No, no, no.
The voice, the voice.
Oh.
When Boyer is being romantic, he doesn't just talk, he-he growls, he says, (growling): "Ah, Lucy, I like you.
" Is that the way he sounds? Yes.
Then I'm surprised he got as far as he did.
Just never mind.
Now you try it.
(growling) That's good! No, no, no, no.
I was just clearing my throat.
Oh.
Well, keep it in.
That's good, that's good.
(growling) (with deep voice): Lucy, I like you.
You're so gor No, keep the face up.
Keep the face up.
Huh? What? Yes.
Remember, cauliflower cooking.
(growling) Ah, Lucy, I like you.
(growling) You're so gorgeous.
Good, but don't strain your voice now.
You've got it, you've got it.
You know, that's hard to do.
Whew, that Boyer must have throat muscles like a horse.
Well, remember the plan now.
You're to come by at 5:00 and tell Ricky you were just passing and thought you'd drop in.
Of course.
Well, good-bye, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Good-bye.
I'll see you at 5:00.
Oh, uh, one more thing.
Don't get too close to Ricky.
He'll know you're a phony.
Oh, oh, I'll remember.
Good-bye, Lucy.
That's good.
That's good.
(phone ringing) It's the phone, dear.
Oh.
Hello.
Oh? Uh, yes, ask him to come up, please.
Lucy, leave the room.
Why, what's the matter? Somebody's coming up here that I don't want you to meet, so leave the room go over to the Mertzes'.
Well, who is it? Who's coming up? Tell me.
All right, if you must know- it's him.
Him? Charles Boyer, so leave the room.
Go.
That won't be necessary.
Lucy! I am going to stay right here and prove to you that Charles Boyer doesn't mean a thing to me.
(knock at door) Monsieur Ricardo.
Oh, Mr.
Boyer, will you please come in? Mr.
Boyer, I'd like you to meet my wife, Lucy.
Lucy, Charles Boyer.
Well, I'm delighted to see you.
Hi, there.
Won't you sit down, please? Lucy, may I say that you are the most fascinating, the most exciting creature I've ever seen.
Charles.
(growling) Charles.
(growling) Charles! Pardon me.
Charles, would you mind telling me what's going on here? I'm sorry, Ricky.
I realize that you must think I'm a cad, but when I walked into this room and saw her, I took leave of my senses.
I'm not responsible anymore.
Ah, Lucy Lucy, I I know I could never have your heart, but at least let me hold your hands.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Lucy, how can you act so indifferent to me when you must realize how I feel about you? You want some orange? Oops! Want some orange, Ricky? No, thank you.
Delicious.
(phone rings) Hello.
Lucy? Lucy, this is Ethel.
Ricky is playing an awful dirty trick on you.
Fred just spilled the beans.
What do you mean? That Maurice DuBois really is Charles Boyer.
(choking) Keep him there now.
I'm coming right up.
Lucy, who was that on the phone? Nobody! Lucy, what was I saying before I was interrupted? I don't know! Ah, don't run away from this.
It was meant to be.
Lucy, I am drawn to you like a moth to a flame.
I cannot help myself.
(screams loudly) (laughing heartily) Charles, I think our little game is over.
That telephone call must have tipped her off.
I'm afraid so.
Don't be silly.
I knew who you were all the time.
Well, I hope you're not too angry with us.
No.
Well, I must run along.
I'm supposed to be interviewed on television.
Oh, that's right.
You told me.
Well, thank you very much for being such a wonderful sport.
Not at all; it was fun.
Good-bye, Ricky.
Good-bye, Lucy.
(growling) (Ricky laughing loudly) Ricky Ricardo, that's a dirty trick! What are you talking about? I thought you said you knew who he was all the time? Oh.
Well, I did, but if I hadn't, that was a dirty trick! So So, you weren't even jealous or anything.
That was all a frame-up, huh? Right.
I just wanted to keep you away from him to avert the catastrophe.
I don't trust you with celebrities.
Well, you see, you were wrong.
He was up here and what happened? Not a thing! Well Oh, oh, I saw him, I saw him! He was just getting off the elevator.
I was getting on.
I'm goose bumps all over.
What was he like? What was he like? Oh, Ethel, he was just dreamy.
He's so French and so (growling) ETHEL: Oh, boy.
He's just the living end.
Oh, was he romantic like we thought? (knock at door) I wanted to ask him for his autograph, but I just couldn't do it.
Hi, Charles.
I'm sorry, Ricky, I forgot my hat.
RICKY: Oh, come in.
Where is it? I think I Excuse me.
I think I think I set it down on the couch.
Your hat? Yes.
You forgot your hat? Yes, I did.
Well.
Oh, Mr.
Boyer, I'm terribly sorry.
I'm terribly sorry.
That's perfectly all right.
We'll have to get you a new hat.
Oh, are you kidding? Mr.
Boyer, while you're here could we have your autograph? Why, certainly.
Oh, yes, please.
I brought my book Now, Lucy! (clamoring) You'll have to write it twice now.
I saw your picture I saw your picture about the Casbah, where you smoked two cigarettes and everything.
I afraid it's out of ink.
No ink! Oh, I filled it this morning! Have you got a pen? I filled it this morning.
Oh! RICKY: Lucy! Oh, no! Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mr.
Boyer.
Milk milk will take that out.
All right, then, I'll get some.
Thank you.
Look, you want to borrow one of my shirts? Yeah, borrow one of Ricky's shirts.
Oh, no, no.
No, that's all right.
I'll keep my coat on.
Oh, well, let me help you then.
That's all right.
Let me help you put your coat on.
That's all right.
Let me help him put his coat on! Please, now! I want to help him put his coat on! (coat ripping) RICKY: No! I'm sorry, Mr.
Boyer.
That's all right.
We tore your coat.
Oh, don't think about it.
We'll mend it for you right now.
No, no, no, please.
Would you like for me to get my sewing kit? No, that's all right.
Just let me get out of here.
No, no.
No, no, that's fine.
Charlie, I'm awfully sorry.
(thud) Oh, no! Mr.
Boyer, I'm terribly sorry.
Perfectly all right.
It's all right.
Never mind.
Au revoir.
No, no, no, no.
Don't say au revoir, dear.
Just say good-bye.
(orchestra playing closing flourish) ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: The part of the waiter was played by Jack Chefe, and Mr.
Charles Boyer portrayed himself.
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.