In Living Color (1990) s05e19 Episode Script

- [Laughing.]
- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya.
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How would ya.
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How would ya f.
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How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat [Echoing.]
And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - [Turntable Scratching.]
- In living color [Laughing.]
All right, Mr.
Harris.
Are you ready to make your opening statement? Yes, I am, Your Honor.
My client has filed a paternity suit to obtain child support from the father of the child.
And where is the alleged father of the child? I wish I could tell you that, Your Honor, but.
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Your Honor, this is the defendant, Carl "The Tooth" Williams.
Mr.
Williams, is this your attorney? No, he just hangin'.
- Then are you handling yourself? - Not right now.
It's kind of hard to get to it, you know, with the gloves.
Mr.
Williams, what I want to know is, will you be acting as your own lawyer? Well, as the famous scholar Leon Spinks has said.
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"Any boxer who represents himself has a fool for a client.
" - So you will be representing yourself.
- Basically.
Your Honor, I'd like to call Carl "The Tooth" Williams to the stand.
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withoutJabba the Hut.
Uh, please.
Raise your right hand.
- Uh.
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- Mr.
Williams! Please raise your right hand! Oh.
It's great.
It's great.
Your other right.
S.
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Skip it.
You promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you, God? It's all good.
Your Honor, I will prove that this man was intimate with my client.
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the night of May the eighth.
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at the Snooty Fox Motel on Crenshaw.
Ah, see, that's a lie 'cause, see, the Snooty Fox is on Western.
No, actually, it's on Vermont.
Please continue.
- I thought I saw.
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- Continue.
Uh, Mr.
Williams, my client was the card girl at your bout.
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against Razor Ruddock.
- Do you recognize her? - Uh, look, man.
Sometime within that whole round, I was knocked into a coma.
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so, you know, I don't really.
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you know.
And when did you come out of that coma? [Snickers.]
Uh, very soon, hopefully.
Okay! If it pleases the court, I'd like to show you Exhibit "A.
" "A" is for Apple, "J" is forJack.
Cinnamon-toasted AppleJacks.
Order! Get to the point, please.
- You need a good breakfast, and that where it's at.
- Mr.
Harris.
All right.
It started off with AppleJacks.
All right, now, look.
This bra was found on the floor in your hotel room.
- Explain that to us.
Can you do that? - Well, after.
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- Explain it, man! - Hey, brother.
It's all good.
Well, basically, see, what had happened was is that we ran out of coffee filters.
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and I said, " Hey, look.
What you doing with that around your chest, Miriam?" So we used that.
And then I had told her that my nipples had dilated.
And I needed, uh.
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I needed.
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I needed.
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I needed some circumference.
I want the truth! You can't handle The Tooth! You weep for Santiago because he had no code, he had no honor.
Now, can I go now? Mr.
Harris, get on track, please.
If it pleases the court, I'd like to re-create.
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the events of that evening.
If it please me, I would like for you to "coliferate".
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the same, uh, "crustination.
" Will the plaintiff please approach the bench, please? Come on.
You're all right.
Like, it's all right.
It's the night of May the eighth, 1992.
Damn! I'm still writing checks and puttin' 1977 on 'em.
I knew they were sending the checks back for some.
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The two of you check in to the Snooty Fox Motel.
- Anyway, Urkel.
- You went into the.
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Your Honor, I will admit that Urkel is about my age now.
You went into the Snooty Fox under the name Carl "The Tooth" Williams.
As you had mentioned, that is ridiculous! Why would I make up a name like that? Sir, that is your real name.
In this country.
Besides the fact that you look like you've been chewing on black jelly beans.
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what happened next? I'll tell you what happened.
He took me up to my room, and everything happened so quickly.
I mean, the whole thing lasted maybe two minutes.
I went down for a quick count! After the fight is what the hell we're talkin' about here.
- Is that what we talkin' about? - That's what we talkin'about.
- Well, step on.
- At the hotel! Well, after the fight, you know, she was coming at me pretty hard.
She was hittin' below the belt.
But I stuck with my "scragedy.
" I was stickin' and movin', stickin' and movin'! Yeah! So, from what I can tell.
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he is admitting that he had relations with my client.
No.
We just had sex.
Your Honor, I rest my case.
Anybody in their right mind can see that this child.
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was fathered by The Tooth.
[Crying.]
Oh, no.
See, this can't be my child 'cause his Jheri curl ain't wetted down.
It's all dried up.
He ain't got no teeth in his head.
What's going on? - Hey! - Come on, Tooth! I think he got me with a sucker punch, man.
I need a rematch.
This is ridiculous! Come on! [Both Arguing.]
[Announcer.]
From the makers of Philadelphia.
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the story of one man's struggleto stay out of the closet.
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San Francisco.
Mr.
Beckett, we used to consider you a top-flight attorney at this firm.
We'd give you a job, and you'd get right on it.
- But lately you've been careless and sloppy.
- What are you talking about? You misplaced the files for the Liberace estate! Last night you claimed that you werewith a client, and we got photos of you.
You care to explain that? That's my friend Frank! He looks great in a dress.
Oh, really? Maybe you'd like to explain that little white mark there on your finger! That's where I wear my college ring.
Isn't that the traditional wedding ring finger of a breeder? - Breeder? - Breeder.
Breeder, breeder.
Breeder, breeder, breeder! - Sing us the first-act finale from Phantom.
! - [Note.]
- I can't remember! - Of course you can't remember 'cause you never saw it! How many heterosexuals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? - That's not funny! - I told you he was straight! [Moans.]
Mr.
Beckett, your services are no longer required! - Are you saying I'm fired? - Bitch, did I stutter? I need an attorney.
I've been fired by my law firm.
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Nelson, Tenderloin and Sugarstein.
I need someone who can think like them, get inside their heads, play their games.
Someone like you, RuPaul.
- Am I that obvious? - Well, yeah, kind of.
Well, you're cute.
I'll take your case.
Thank you.
Listen, what was the real reason why you think you got fired? - Well, they found out I was straight.
- [Screaming.]
[Screaming.]
[Announcer.]
Tom Hanks and RuPaulstarring in San Francisco.
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coming out to a theater near you.
[Hip-hop.]
[Ends.]
[Announcer.]
This.
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is.
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The Dirty Dozens Tournament of Champions! Now entering our studio.
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a five-time championfrom uptown New York.
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T- Dog Jenkins.
! Another five-time championfrom Houston's Fifth Ward.
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Amfeny Clark.
And last year's Dirty Dozens Tournament champion.
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from Compton, California,Damian "Foosball"Franklin.
! [Man.]
Foosball rules.
! And now the hostof Dirty Dozens, Stu Dunfey.
! Thank you so much.
Hello, and welcome to The Dirty DozensTournament of Champions.
- What's up, Stu? - T-Dog in the house.
How are you, my friend? - I just seens you last week.
- We see you here every week.
How's your mom? - She doing fine.
- How's the colitis? - He all right.
- All righty.
We are present at the Dirty Dozens game board, where talkin' trash can get you cash.
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and you might be the champ if your mama's a tramp.
Now, let's look at our categories.
- "Your Mama's So Bald," "Your Mama's So Fat".
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- [Bell Dinging.]
"Mama's So Stupid"and "A merican Authors".
T-Dog, you won the coin toss.
Start us off.
I think I will take "Your Mama's So Stupid" for 100.
Let's have a look.
"Your Mama's So Stupid.
" - [Beeps.]
- Amfeny.
Your mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
[Bell Dings.]
And you're on the board.
Pick again.
How about "Mama's So Fat" for a hundred, Stu? Classic category.
"Your Mama's So Fat.
" T-Dog? Your mama's so fat, she look like she's smugglin' Volkswagons.
[Bell Dings.]
Mama's a big old greasy ho! All righty, T-Dog, need a category.
I think I will go with "American Authors" for 100, Stuness.
New category.
Born in 1804, NathanielHawthorne wrote such classic fiction.
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as The Scarlet Letter and The House of the Seven Gables.
For $100, how stank was his mama? Foosball.
Nathaniel Hawthorne's mother was so stank, she sweated Black Flag.
- [Bell Dings.]
- Correct! All even at a C-spot! Foosball, pick a square! I'll take "Your Mother's So Fat" for 200, Stu.
"Your Mama's So Fat.
" T-Dog.
! Your mama's so fat, she wakes up in sections.
- [Bell Dings.]
- The Underground don't stop for ho's.
Let's go with "Your Mama's So Bald" then.
For 200,"Your Mama's So Bald.
"Foosball.
! Your mother's so bald, she blow-dry hair like that.
- [Exhaling.]
- [Bell Dings.]
Yes! Foosball, pick a category! Uh, I'll take "American Authors" for 200, Stu.
All righty.
Listen carefully, Foosball.
Author and humorist Samuel Clemens wrote the classic Tom Sawyer.
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under his better-known pseudonym.
What was that pseudonym, and how big was his mama's butt? - Amfeny.
- Yeah.
Mark Twain, and his mama's butt was so big.
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if you put your ear up to it, you can hear the ocean.
- [Bell Dings.]
- And you have control of the board.
I'll take "Mama's So Fat" for 300, Stu! T- Dog.
! Break 'em off somethin'.
You too much, man.
Your mama's so fat, she got stretch marks on her clothes.
- [Bell Dings.]
- Yes.
! - Pick another.
!- [Bell Dinging Repeatedly.]
Oh! And that's the end of the first round.
Let's reveal the final squares of tonight's mystery dis.
Gentlemen, peep this! Foosball.
Your mother's so fat, the back of her neck look like a pack of hot dogs.
- [Bell Dings.]
- Yes, for 300.
! Foosball, you and T-Dog are tied.
Amfeny, we'll say good-bye to you.
It's time for " Your Mama's Wheel of Sudden Death.
" It's time for " Your Mama's Wheel of Sudden Death.
" You know the rules.
I spin the wheel.
Whatever body part it lands on, that's where you have to direct your dis.
T-Dog! "Teeth.
" Your mama so toothless, it takes her a hour to eat Minute Rice.
- [Bell Dings.]
- Foosball, your turn! "Eyes.
" Your mama's so blind, she got eyes on her butt and still can't see squat.
- [Buzzer Sounds.]
- No! I'm sorry, Foosball.
You used the word "eyes," but technically that's a butt dis.
And that makes T-Dog our winner! Congratulations, T-Dog.
You've certainly come a long way.
Now, you can stop here and take home your winnings.
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or face the final test and become a true Dirty Dozens Grand Master.
Are you willing to risk it all, double or nothing, and go for greatness? [Crowd Cheering.]
- I think I'll go it.
- He'll go for it! All right! That means you'll be facing off with the all-time Dirty Dozens Hall of Fame Champion.
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Ed O'Neill! Down! Who is this loser? Oh, you tryin' to step to me, huh? Hey, I have a girl who does that for me.
Yeah, come on, Christy Love.
Whoa! Back off, Nitro! T-Dog, chill! U-N-l-T-Y.
Loved you in Coffee.
Shes a rough chick.
You'll have to settle your differences on the field of Dozens.
T-Dog, you've got 60 seconds to dis our champion's mama so badly.
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he gets his butt out of the Royal BarcaLounger chair.
This is for the championship.
Sixty seconds on the clock.
Ready? Begin.
Your mama's so fat, she got a job at Magic Mountain pushin' the Buccaneer.
[Bell Dings.]
- Your mama's so fat, after sex she smokes turkeys.
- [Bell Dings.]
She's so fat, after making love to her.
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I roll over twice and I'm still on her.
[Bell Dings.]
Your mama's so stupid, she was fillin' out a job application that said "sign here".
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- and she put "Sagittarius.
" - [Bell Dings.]
Well, your mama's so ugly, Ted Danson wouldn't date her.
[Bell Dings.]
Your mama's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this.
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L.
A.
, Chicago, Detroit, hop.
[Bell Dings.]
Your mama is so stupid.
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she gave your uncle.
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[Bleep.]
'Cause he said it would help his unemployment.
[Bell Dings.]
Yeah? Your mama's glasses so thick.
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when she looks at a map, she can see people waving! [Bell Dings.]
And your mama's nose is so big, you can go bowling with her boogers.
[Bell Dings.]
And your mama's so fat, before God said, "Let there be light".
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he told her, "Move your big butt out of the way!" - [Bell Dings.]
- I'm gonna kill you for that one, man.
- [Bell Dinging Repeatedly.]
- Ladies and gentlemen, the champion maintains his throne! Congratulations! Ladies, send him home to his big, fat, stinkin' mama.
We don't love them ho's.
That's all the time we have for tonight.
Join us next time on The Dirty Dozens.
! You know, a lot of times we like to do these closings.
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and do jokes and be crazy, man.
I just want to say, I love you guys.
Thanks for supportin' me.
I love each and every one of you.
Good night! [Theme.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]