NewsRadio (1995) s05e19 Episode Script
Padded Suit
[.]
Well? It doesn't look so bad.
Yeah.
It looks all right, right? Yeah.
'Cause I asked for regular, but this isn't my regular.
Yeah.
But it looks good.
It looks good.
I cut my own hair.
Really? Morning meeting everybody.
Come on.
You cut your own hair? Or you built a machine to cut it for you? I cut my own hair.
I had a machine that did it, but it killed my neighbor's cat.
Come on, everybody, ah.
Morning meeting.
Let's go.
You know, my dad had a machine but it was for nose hair.
Hm-mm.
Hey, everybody.
Conference table.
Morning meeting.
Right now.
Dave, you've got great hair.
Look, d-do any of you people do any actual work? Any work at all? Oh, looks like somebody rode in on the bitch bus today.
Max.
What? That's so uncalled for.
It's not nice to talk like that about Dave until he's well out of ear shot, but I agree, I noticed it too.
Seriously, that dude ain't riding the bitch bus, he's driving it.
Good morning, everyone.
Sorry I'm, uh, sorry I'm late, heh.
Matthew? Yeah? What up? Why are you wearing those stupid sunglasses? Stupid? Heh.
You know, most people would say that sunglasses that allow a person to see behind them, are very, very cool, heh.
Rear vision sunglasses are indeed awesome.
But those are not them.
Sure they are.
Oh, wow, look at the break room.
No.
Ahh.
Oh, my God.
What happened to your eye? N-nothing.
I just-- Uh-mm.
I just went to a little concert and things got out of hand.
Rage Against the Machine? No, uh, Natalie Merchant.
Do you mean that, that hippie chick that sings songs to depressed junior high school girls? Hey.
What? Nothing.
You know, I-I happen to find her music very, eh very empowering and very spiritual, and It's just her psycho fans that get all crazy.
Right.
The moody junior high girls.
Moody? You call this moody? [.]
Are you okay? Oh.
I'm fine.
Why do you ask? Well, I don't know just maybe the way you stormed out of there and you threw the clipboard.
I-I've never really seen you throw anything before so-- That's not true.
Remember, when we were going out? Sometimes, when we would argue, I'd, I'd throw things.
Yeah, yeah, I guess I remember that one time when you, when you threw the cushion on the couch, but that was just kind of cute, you know? You, like, threw the cushion on the couch.
Lisa, I'm gonna fire one of them today.
Dave.
Dave.
Dave.
Dave.
What? Why are you gonna start firing them now? [SIGHS.]
Lisa, don't you see? Ou-our, our casual work place environment long ago lapsed into rampant unprofessionalim, and then sunk down into anarchy and is well on its way to utter chaos.
Now, Lisa, Lisa, one must pay for the many.
The question is, which one? We we--We were only talking about a haircut.
Yeah, today it was a haircut.
Yeah.
Today it was a haircut.
Yesterday it was a, a saliva bubble contest.
And the day before that, it was how long can Max gargle milk.
All right, yes.
They have been a little bit distracted lately, okay? No, no, no, no.
This goes on every day, all day, all right? And I'm sick of it, all right? I mean, for God's sake, I-I hate my job.
I hate them.
And I hate myself.
Dave? [SIGHING.]
: No.
The only question that remains, Lisa, is Which one to fire? Okay.
For argument's sake, which one were you thinking of? Matthew, You know, or Joe's.
Jo-- Or, you know, Max is good.
Beth would be great.
I could fire-- Sorry, Dave, I was wondering if I could borrow five dollars for lunch.
I thought you brought your lunch? Oh, I did, but I was thinking today I would treat myself to a glass of wine, heh, heh.
Beth? Yeah? There's some money in my purse.
Why don't you just-- Oh, okay.
That's nice, thank you.
Take as much you want.
Great.
Actually, what about the wine in your drawer? Touch that wine, I'll break your arm.
Okay.
Anyway, I, ahem, I think there's a much more humane way of dealing with this.
Mm-mm, a humane way? Hm-mm.
I prefer terror.
Look, why don't you just give them all a simple task? Say, writing up a job description.
And then hold them to it.
Yeah, what's the point of that? Well, it requires them to think about what they have to do.
And it helps you.
Ah-huh, what if they fail? Then you can fire them.
Fire them all.
But they won't fail.
I won't let them, okay? Ah-huh, yes.
That's delightful.
Prolong the terror, yes.
The axe hangs, but it does not fall.
Not yet.
[.]
Oh, you mean like, eh, defective marshmallow finder? No.
Not your dream job.
Your actual job.
You guys need to just write down descriptions of your real jobs.
If Dave wants us to write our job descriptions, why doesn't he ask us himself? He did, in this memo.
Which you, Joe, folded up and put in your pocket without even reading, and Matthew, [SIGHS.]
seems to have drawn a smiley face on his, and for some reason pinned it to the back of his shirt.
Joe helped.
Good.
There's pens and paper.
Can you please just do this? Thank you.
Yeah.
Okay, Joe, listen.
You know my style, right? I mean, I darted, I weaved, I dodged.
I-I played the finesse game.
Finessed your eye right upside some little girl's fist.
[CHUCKLES.]
For the last time, Joe, she wasn't little.
She was 15, okay? Maybe 14.
All right.
Yeah.
O-or a very tall 13, but All right.
All right.
Whatever.
So can you teach me something? Any kind of move.
You're always doing that karate stuff-- [SCREAMS.]
It's not karate.
Well, yeah.
It's kung fu.
It's not kung fu.
No? What is it? It's called Joe-jitsu.
Joe-jitsu? Yes.
It's a special blend of three unrelated martial arts.
Plus some other crap I made up.
Yes.
This I have got to learn.
Let's clear the table-- Yeah.
Me, too.
I got into a bit of a scrape at a Stevie Nick'' concert.
What? No.
No.
No, I've got a rule against teaching my friends.
Sooner or later they think they can take on the master.
Then I have to slap them down.
Come on, Joe.
Lilith Fair is just around the corner.
[.]
JIMMY: Hey, Dave.
Mother's Day chocolate? B-but you, uh.
It's a little early, but okay.
Yeah, okay.
Good.
What the hell was that? Ah, I'm making a point, son.
Mother's Day is a joke.
Ah.
All right, all right, all year long.
Our mothers, they give and they give, and they give, and what do we give back? What? Cheap chocolates? That's right.
You got that right.
We try to buy them off.
With, with a cheap holiday and then ignore them the rest of the year.
It's a crutch, Dave.
It is a crutch, with a metal spike on the end that pierces the heart of every mother in America.
It has got to stop, Dave.
It's got to stop, stop, stop, stop, stop-- Sir? Yeah? Is there, is there something I can do? Ah-huh, you can, you can talk to them.
You can, you can be a good son every damn day, not just one day.
And you can tell her that you love her.
I-I'll do that, sir.
No, do it right now.
I'll call my mom tonight.
No, I said now.
Okey, here he is.
What? All right, it's your funeral.
You want me to teach you? Yes.
Yes, please.
All right.
Fine, from now on, you will no longer refer to me as Joe Garelli, your co-worker.
I am now Master Joe.
Is that understood? BOTH: Yes, Master Joe.
Okay, good.
You ready? Good.
Now fight.
Oh, don't, don't.
Oh.
Are you insane? I gotta see how you fight.
I think it's well documented we both fight like girls.
Actually, I fight a little bit worse than a girl, heh.
Look, if I want to design a course of study appropriate for your specific needs, I've to see you fight.
I understand.
[SIGHS.]
Matthew, prepare yourself for the stinging blades-- What? What? --of the windmill.
Oh, my Gooo Time out, time out, time out.
Yaa-aah.
Time out, time out.
[PANTING.]
Come on, Max.
Fight.
Can't.
[PANTING.]
Heartpounding.
Joe? So who, who won? [.]
Time to stop the evil scheming, Dr.
Nefarious.
In my mind, I've already fired each of them a hundred times.
I just wanted to inform you that your staff has completed their job descriptions.
Really? Yes.
Oh.
Hm-mm.
Let's have a look.
Ooh, jeez, I Forty pages.
They really went all out, didn't they? Well, that's just mine.
Oh.
Well, I like to be thorough.
And for more specifics on that, you can see pages 10 through 14.
Ah-huh.
Yes.
Yes.
And, uh, what about the others? They're coming.
But I just wanted to set an example and be first.
Page seven.
Uh, yeah.
Okay, well, you know what? why don't we, uh, have a staff meeting, and go over everybody's job descriptions together as a group? Great, okey, I mean, why don't you take some time to read that? Uh, go through it.
And we have a staff meeting at say, 4:00? No, I'll say Great.
BETH: Why don't you dump them here on Dave's.
Oh, okay, wherever you order me to do it.
Ah.
Amateur production of Fahrenheit 451? No, Dave.
These are all the Mother's Day cards from the drug store downstairs.
Sir, I had no idea you were that uncertain of your parentage.
Dave, we're, we're not sending any of these.
We're burning them.
Do you know that Mr.
James has people across the country buying-- And destroying.
Right.
Every box of chocolates.
Any floral arrangement.
All the sappy Mother's Day cards.
And doing what? BOTH: Oh, destroying them.
Sir, uh, I- I thought you were in favor of motherhood.
Oh.
yeah.
I am, I am.
One hundred percent, USDA Prime Momma's boy right here.
All right.
Well, then destroying Mother's Day is-- All right.
Let me explain my plan to you.
Step one: Get rid of Mother's Day.
Step two: All the mommas cry.
BOTH: They cry.
Then step three-- This is the most important part.
--Everybody feels guilty.
They realize that they should honor their mothers every day.
Not just one day.
Got it? Get it? Good.
Beth help me in there? We got lots more holiday to destroy.
Oh, I need to talk to Dave for just a second.
Okey-dokey.
Okey.
Ahh, Lisa said you wanted me to write up my job description.
Yeah, that's right, Beth.
I did.
Ah.
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay, let's just-- [SIGHS.]
This is, this is, this is it? This is the entire job description? Uh, yeah, I make a pot of coffee every morning.
Oh, come on, Beth.
There has to be more to it than that.
Oh, yeah, sometimes in the middle of the afternoon-- Mm-hm.
--I make a second pot.
Okay, fine, look, just tell the staff we're having a meeting in five minutes.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah.
That's good.
What? Tells the staff there will be a meeting in five minutes.
You got anything else? Leave.
Oh, yeah, right.
I mean-- She leaves.
Well, leave! Staff meeting in 20 minutes.
[.]
Well, why does he get the suit? While wearing the suit, I can teach him full contact Joe-jitsu techniques without harming him.
Yeah, but it makes me look a little fat.
Yeah, but while you're wearing it, nobody can hurt you.
Oh? Well, I'll just see about that.
Nothing.
Nothing.
[CHUCKLES.]
That tickled a little bit.
You know what? I should just wear this suit.
You are wearing the suit.
No, I mean to concerts and stuff.
Why do I need to learn Joe-jitsu when I can just wear this big padded suit? Because that's not self-defense.
So what? It's better than learning a bunch of gay kicks and stuff.
Dude, Joe-jitsu is not gay.
No, no, no offense, Joe.
But, I mean, I got the big padded suit.
Why do I need to learn gay kicks? Joe-jitsu's not gay.
Thanks a lot for your time, Joe.
But I'm not requiring your services any longer.
Hey, who's gonna be my dojo buddy? [.]
You guys told me you were writing them.
Yeah, see how it feels, Lisa? To have no one listen to you? Huh? It's like horsewhipping ether.
You know what? I don't even understand why we have to write these so-called "job descriptions" anyway.
I know.
I agree with Max.
I mean, you know what we do, Dave.
True.
Oh, and if you don't know, well, then perhaps you're the one that's a bit of a goldbricker.
Yeah, Max.
Maybe you're right.
In fact, Max, maybe I should fire me.
Again with the clipboard.
You guys, really.
I mean, is it so much to ask? ALL: Yeah, Yes.
No.
No, it is not so much to ask.
Well, why does he need them? Well, for three reasons.
First of all, no one here seems to know what they're supposed to do or how to do it.
Secondly, it's standard business procedure.
And third, because he said so.
Is that it? Three reasons? That's not very many.
How many would you like? Well, I don't know.
But three? I mean, as far as numbers go, that's like the third smallest.
I don't think you guys are getting this.
It's very serious.
I mean, he's really, really fed up.
He told me that by the end of the day he's gonna fire somebody.
ALL: It's gonna be Matthew.
Wait, hold it.
He can't fire me.
Why not? Because I got the suit.
I'm invincible.
[.]
Sorry to interrupt your tae kwon Joe session but-- Tae kwon what? It's called Joe-jitsu, Lisa.
The 15-fold path to enlightenment.
Actually, Max, it's 16.
Sixteen? Well, I don't think I'm cut out for this.
Look, look, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to ask you.
Really it's beg you one last time, will you please-- Lisa, again with the job descriptions.
I mean, come on.
Even if Dave goes totally psycho you don't think he'll fire somebody, do you? Well, what if he does? Well, what if it's you? What are you, high? Look.
I would feel really stupid if the one thing that would prevent you from getting fired is a simple little job description.
So just please do it.
Well, prepare to feel stupid.
Good one, Max.
Obnoxious mouthing off is the cornerstone of Joe-jitsu.
A stalled truck is blocking traffic in the left lane of the Manhattan Bridge.
More after this.
What are you doing? Shh, shh.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"Mommas of the world unite.
"Mother's Day is a sham.
I say, a sham "perpetrated by bad children.
I repeat, bad children.
"So let's give America a spanking, shall we? "Join me, Jimmy James, on this so-called Mother's Day in the first annual Million Mommas March.
" Sir-- "Marching Mommas meet at 2:00 at the Capitol Dome.
And remember, Yo Momma March.
" This is WNYX.
More after this.
See, Lisa, the dream lives on.
Mother's Day will be abolished in our lifetimes.
A million marching mommas can't be wrong.
Well, sir, do you know how you're gonna handle the details? Like the food and lodging, facilities-- Yeah.
That's the genius of my plan, see? The mommas do all that.
Yeah, they love figuring all that stuff out.
And then when it's all over, they clean up.
[.]
LISA: Here they are, Dave.
The job descriptions.
Ah, good.
More fuel for my wrath.
No, no.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
You didn't write these, did you? Do what? Well, see, I just, I'd hate to think that a highly-motivated go-getter like yourself was wasting her time covering for ne'er-do-wells.
Well, don't think it.
Mm-hm.
All right.
Well, what do you say we go check these out? Sure.
Go ahead.
I'm gonna go.
I don't care.
Go ahead.
All right.
Sure.
Okay.
Hey.
Come on.
Hey.
Um, everyone? Hey, hey, everybody.
I just want to apologize, you know? I obviously got you guys all wrong.
I mean, these, these detailed and articulate job descriptions clearly show your professionalism and your dedication to the work.
I mean, I don't know what I can say except bravo.
And for you, Max, brava.
Thank you.
I worked very hard on that.
Well, that much is clear, Max.
And now that you are all warmed up, what do you say you cart those promos for me, huh? Cart? What? You know? Oh, yes.
Cart the promos.
Yes, I can do that.
Oh, I know you can, Max.
It says so right there in your job description.
And, uh, Beth? More coffee, Dave? No, got one.
Beth, why don't you just do numbers one through five on your list, okay? Yeah, okay.
I'll get right on that.
Terrific.
Terrific.
Joe and Matthew.
You guys can start at the top of your lists.
Start working your way down and I'll get back to you, okay? Thanks, everybody.
He was going to randomly fire somebody.
I just saved your jobs.
You should be thanking me.
You know, Lisa, usually we go along with your little harebrained schemes.
But collate invoices? I don't even know what a "collate" is.
I just saved your jobs.
Well, thanks for nothing.
[.]
What's the matter? Did you run out of lighter fluid? No.
You know Yo Momma March? It ain't happening.
Why? Well, apparently mommas like Mother's Day.
I know what you need.
Why? What are you doing? I'm gonna call your momma.
No, not necessary.
Don't you think she'd be proud? Yeah, she'd be proud.
But you don't have to do that.
Ringing.
Ringing.
No, no, no.
Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth.
I forgot my mommy's birthday yesterday.
Oh, my God.
The whole Million Momma March because you forgot.
Oh, not good.
No, no.
Now, Beth, you don't understand.
If Mommy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
Now just hang up.
Just hang up.
Too late.
Oh, take it.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Wait a minute.
Hey, Mommy.
Yeah, it's Ji-- Ooh.
Here you go, Dave.
Ah, more fake job descriptions? No, no.
Firing recommendations.
Oh, really? Yeah.
I've described scenarios for firing them individually.
Plus one very, very well-reasoned argument for firing them all at once.
By mail.
Well, that's very professional.
Oh, yes.
It is professional.
It is professional.
It is thorough.
It is logical.
It is decisive.
It is really good.
You know, Lisa, sometimes, you can be too professional.
Oh, my God, Dave.
They've broken you.
Uh You know, Lisa.
I want to show you something.
Hello.
I've been hitting Matthew.
What? Yeah.
I can't begin to tell you how great it feels.
Oh, I see.
I see.
Yeah.
So I spend all day trying to calm you down and save their jobs but none of it really matters because hitting someone makes you feel good.
It's not just anyone, it's Matthew.
Hello.
You know, you seem agitated.
I think I have a suggestion.
I'm not going to hit you.
Why? You'll feel better.
I don't wanna feel better.
What, are you chicken? [CLUCKING.]
Yeah, come on.
Yeah, come on.
Lisa.
You've gotta give it a shot.
All right, fine.
All right.
Ow.
All right.
You two have some fun, all right? Wait.
Maybe it's not a good idea.
No.
No, it'll be great.
Dave.
Wait.
[BLOWS LANDING.]
MATTHEW: No.
Dave? Oh, God.
Dave? My big padded suit.
It's useless against Lisa.
Master Joe, help me.
[.]
Well? It doesn't look so bad.
Yeah.
It looks all right, right? Yeah.
'Cause I asked for regular, but this isn't my regular.
Yeah.
But it looks good.
It looks good.
I cut my own hair.
Really? Morning meeting everybody.
Come on.
You cut your own hair? Or you built a machine to cut it for you? I cut my own hair.
I had a machine that did it, but it killed my neighbor's cat.
Come on, everybody, ah.
Morning meeting.
Let's go.
You know, my dad had a machine but it was for nose hair.
Hm-mm.
Hey, everybody.
Conference table.
Morning meeting.
Right now.
Dave, you've got great hair.
Look, d-do any of you people do any actual work? Any work at all? Oh, looks like somebody rode in on the bitch bus today.
Max.
What? That's so uncalled for.
It's not nice to talk like that about Dave until he's well out of ear shot, but I agree, I noticed it too.
Seriously, that dude ain't riding the bitch bus, he's driving it.
Good morning, everyone.
Sorry I'm, uh, sorry I'm late, heh.
Matthew? Yeah? What up? Why are you wearing those stupid sunglasses? Stupid? Heh.
You know, most people would say that sunglasses that allow a person to see behind them, are very, very cool, heh.
Rear vision sunglasses are indeed awesome.
But those are not them.
Sure they are.
Oh, wow, look at the break room.
No.
Ahh.
Oh, my God.
What happened to your eye? N-nothing.
I just-- Uh-mm.
I just went to a little concert and things got out of hand.
Rage Against the Machine? No, uh, Natalie Merchant.
Do you mean that, that hippie chick that sings songs to depressed junior high school girls? Hey.
What? Nothing.
You know, I-I happen to find her music very, eh very empowering and very spiritual, and It's just her psycho fans that get all crazy.
Right.
The moody junior high girls.
Moody? You call this moody? [.]
Are you okay? Oh.
I'm fine.
Why do you ask? Well, I don't know just maybe the way you stormed out of there and you threw the clipboard.
I-I've never really seen you throw anything before so-- That's not true.
Remember, when we were going out? Sometimes, when we would argue, I'd, I'd throw things.
Yeah, yeah, I guess I remember that one time when you, when you threw the cushion on the couch, but that was just kind of cute, you know? You, like, threw the cushion on the couch.
Lisa, I'm gonna fire one of them today.
Dave.
Dave.
Dave.
Dave.
What? Why are you gonna start firing them now? [SIGHS.]
Lisa, don't you see? Ou-our, our casual work place environment long ago lapsed into rampant unprofessionalim, and then sunk down into anarchy and is well on its way to utter chaos.
Now, Lisa, Lisa, one must pay for the many.
The question is, which one? We we--We were only talking about a haircut.
Yeah, today it was a haircut.
Yeah.
Today it was a haircut.
Yesterday it was a, a saliva bubble contest.
And the day before that, it was how long can Max gargle milk.
All right, yes.
They have been a little bit distracted lately, okay? No, no, no, no.
This goes on every day, all day, all right? And I'm sick of it, all right? I mean, for God's sake, I-I hate my job.
I hate them.
And I hate myself.
Dave? [SIGHING.]
: No.
The only question that remains, Lisa, is Which one to fire? Okay.
For argument's sake, which one were you thinking of? Matthew, You know, or Joe's.
Jo-- Or, you know, Max is good.
Beth would be great.
I could fire-- Sorry, Dave, I was wondering if I could borrow five dollars for lunch.
I thought you brought your lunch? Oh, I did, but I was thinking today I would treat myself to a glass of wine, heh, heh.
Beth? Yeah? There's some money in my purse.
Why don't you just-- Oh, okay.
That's nice, thank you.
Take as much you want.
Great.
Actually, what about the wine in your drawer? Touch that wine, I'll break your arm.
Okay.
Anyway, I, ahem, I think there's a much more humane way of dealing with this.
Mm-mm, a humane way? Hm-mm.
I prefer terror.
Look, why don't you just give them all a simple task? Say, writing up a job description.
And then hold them to it.
Yeah, what's the point of that? Well, it requires them to think about what they have to do.
And it helps you.
Ah-huh, what if they fail? Then you can fire them.
Fire them all.
But they won't fail.
I won't let them, okay? Ah-huh, yes.
That's delightful.
Prolong the terror, yes.
The axe hangs, but it does not fall.
Not yet.
[.]
Oh, you mean like, eh, defective marshmallow finder? No.
Not your dream job.
Your actual job.
You guys need to just write down descriptions of your real jobs.
If Dave wants us to write our job descriptions, why doesn't he ask us himself? He did, in this memo.
Which you, Joe, folded up and put in your pocket without even reading, and Matthew, [SIGHS.]
seems to have drawn a smiley face on his, and for some reason pinned it to the back of his shirt.
Joe helped.
Good.
There's pens and paper.
Can you please just do this? Thank you.
Yeah.
Okay, Joe, listen.
You know my style, right? I mean, I darted, I weaved, I dodged.
I-I played the finesse game.
Finessed your eye right upside some little girl's fist.
[CHUCKLES.]
For the last time, Joe, she wasn't little.
She was 15, okay? Maybe 14.
All right.
Yeah.
O-or a very tall 13, but All right.
All right.
Whatever.
So can you teach me something? Any kind of move.
You're always doing that karate stuff-- [SCREAMS.]
It's not karate.
Well, yeah.
It's kung fu.
It's not kung fu.
No? What is it? It's called Joe-jitsu.
Joe-jitsu? Yes.
It's a special blend of three unrelated martial arts.
Plus some other crap I made up.
Yes.
This I have got to learn.
Let's clear the table-- Yeah.
Me, too.
I got into a bit of a scrape at a Stevie Nick'' concert.
What? No.
No.
No, I've got a rule against teaching my friends.
Sooner or later they think they can take on the master.
Then I have to slap them down.
Come on, Joe.
Lilith Fair is just around the corner.
[.]
JIMMY: Hey, Dave.
Mother's Day chocolate? B-but you, uh.
It's a little early, but okay.
Yeah, okay.
Good.
What the hell was that? Ah, I'm making a point, son.
Mother's Day is a joke.
Ah.
All right, all right, all year long.
Our mothers, they give and they give, and they give, and what do we give back? What? Cheap chocolates? That's right.
You got that right.
We try to buy them off.
With, with a cheap holiday and then ignore them the rest of the year.
It's a crutch, Dave.
It is a crutch, with a metal spike on the end that pierces the heart of every mother in America.
It has got to stop, Dave.
It's got to stop, stop, stop, stop, stop-- Sir? Yeah? Is there, is there something I can do? Ah-huh, you can, you can talk to them.
You can, you can be a good son every damn day, not just one day.
And you can tell her that you love her.
I-I'll do that, sir.
No, do it right now.
I'll call my mom tonight.
No, I said now.
Okey, here he is.
What? All right, it's your funeral.
You want me to teach you? Yes.
Yes, please.
All right.
Fine, from now on, you will no longer refer to me as Joe Garelli, your co-worker.
I am now Master Joe.
Is that understood? BOTH: Yes, Master Joe.
Okay, good.
You ready? Good.
Now fight.
Oh, don't, don't.
Oh.
Are you insane? I gotta see how you fight.
I think it's well documented we both fight like girls.
Actually, I fight a little bit worse than a girl, heh.
Look, if I want to design a course of study appropriate for your specific needs, I've to see you fight.
I understand.
[SIGHS.]
Matthew, prepare yourself for the stinging blades-- What? What? --of the windmill.
Oh, my Gooo Time out, time out, time out.
Yaa-aah.
Time out, time out.
[PANTING.]
Come on, Max.
Fight.
Can't.
[PANTING.]
Heartpounding.
Joe? So who, who won? [.]
Time to stop the evil scheming, Dr.
Nefarious.
In my mind, I've already fired each of them a hundred times.
I just wanted to inform you that your staff has completed their job descriptions.
Really? Yes.
Oh.
Hm-mm.
Let's have a look.
Ooh, jeez, I Forty pages.
They really went all out, didn't they? Well, that's just mine.
Oh.
Well, I like to be thorough.
And for more specifics on that, you can see pages 10 through 14.
Ah-huh.
Yes.
Yes.
And, uh, what about the others? They're coming.
But I just wanted to set an example and be first.
Page seven.
Uh, yeah.
Okay, well, you know what? why don't we, uh, have a staff meeting, and go over everybody's job descriptions together as a group? Great, okey, I mean, why don't you take some time to read that? Uh, go through it.
And we have a staff meeting at say, 4:00? No, I'll say Great.
BETH: Why don't you dump them here on Dave's.
Oh, okay, wherever you order me to do it.
Ah.
Amateur production of Fahrenheit 451? No, Dave.
These are all the Mother's Day cards from the drug store downstairs.
Sir, I had no idea you were that uncertain of your parentage.
Dave, we're, we're not sending any of these.
We're burning them.
Do you know that Mr.
James has people across the country buying-- And destroying.
Right.
Every box of chocolates.
Any floral arrangement.
All the sappy Mother's Day cards.
And doing what? BOTH: Oh, destroying them.
Sir, uh, I- I thought you were in favor of motherhood.
Oh.
yeah.
I am, I am.
One hundred percent, USDA Prime Momma's boy right here.
All right.
Well, then destroying Mother's Day is-- All right.
Let me explain my plan to you.
Step one: Get rid of Mother's Day.
Step two: All the mommas cry.
BOTH: They cry.
Then step three-- This is the most important part.
--Everybody feels guilty.
They realize that they should honor their mothers every day.
Not just one day.
Got it? Get it? Good.
Beth help me in there? We got lots more holiday to destroy.
Oh, I need to talk to Dave for just a second.
Okey-dokey.
Okey.
Ahh, Lisa said you wanted me to write up my job description.
Yeah, that's right, Beth.
I did.
Ah.
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay, let's just-- [SIGHS.]
This is, this is, this is it? This is the entire job description? Uh, yeah, I make a pot of coffee every morning.
Oh, come on, Beth.
There has to be more to it than that.
Oh, yeah, sometimes in the middle of the afternoon-- Mm-hm.
--I make a second pot.
Okay, fine, look, just tell the staff we're having a meeting in five minutes.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah.
That's good.
What? Tells the staff there will be a meeting in five minutes.
You got anything else? Leave.
Oh, yeah, right.
I mean-- She leaves.
Well, leave! Staff meeting in 20 minutes.
[.]
Well, why does he get the suit? While wearing the suit, I can teach him full contact Joe-jitsu techniques without harming him.
Yeah, but it makes me look a little fat.
Yeah, but while you're wearing it, nobody can hurt you.
Oh? Well, I'll just see about that.
Nothing.
Nothing.
[CHUCKLES.]
That tickled a little bit.
You know what? I should just wear this suit.
You are wearing the suit.
No, I mean to concerts and stuff.
Why do I need to learn Joe-jitsu when I can just wear this big padded suit? Because that's not self-defense.
So what? It's better than learning a bunch of gay kicks and stuff.
Dude, Joe-jitsu is not gay.
No, no, no offense, Joe.
But, I mean, I got the big padded suit.
Why do I need to learn gay kicks? Joe-jitsu's not gay.
Thanks a lot for your time, Joe.
But I'm not requiring your services any longer.
Hey, who's gonna be my dojo buddy? [.]
You guys told me you were writing them.
Yeah, see how it feels, Lisa? To have no one listen to you? Huh? It's like horsewhipping ether.
You know what? I don't even understand why we have to write these so-called "job descriptions" anyway.
I know.
I agree with Max.
I mean, you know what we do, Dave.
True.
Oh, and if you don't know, well, then perhaps you're the one that's a bit of a goldbricker.
Yeah, Max.
Maybe you're right.
In fact, Max, maybe I should fire me.
Again with the clipboard.
You guys, really.
I mean, is it so much to ask? ALL: Yeah, Yes.
No.
No, it is not so much to ask.
Well, why does he need them? Well, for three reasons.
First of all, no one here seems to know what they're supposed to do or how to do it.
Secondly, it's standard business procedure.
And third, because he said so.
Is that it? Three reasons? That's not very many.
How many would you like? Well, I don't know.
But three? I mean, as far as numbers go, that's like the third smallest.
I don't think you guys are getting this.
It's very serious.
I mean, he's really, really fed up.
He told me that by the end of the day he's gonna fire somebody.
ALL: It's gonna be Matthew.
Wait, hold it.
He can't fire me.
Why not? Because I got the suit.
I'm invincible.
[.]
Sorry to interrupt your tae kwon Joe session but-- Tae kwon what? It's called Joe-jitsu, Lisa.
The 15-fold path to enlightenment.
Actually, Max, it's 16.
Sixteen? Well, I don't think I'm cut out for this.
Look, look, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to ask you.
Really it's beg you one last time, will you please-- Lisa, again with the job descriptions.
I mean, come on.
Even if Dave goes totally psycho you don't think he'll fire somebody, do you? Well, what if he does? Well, what if it's you? What are you, high? Look.
I would feel really stupid if the one thing that would prevent you from getting fired is a simple little job description.
So just please do it.
Well, prepare to feel stupid.
Good one, Max.
Obnoxious mouthing off is the cornerstone of Joe-jitsu.
A stalled truck is blocking traffic in the left lane of the Manhattan Bridge.
More after this.
What are you doing? Shh, shh.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"Mommas of the world unite.
"Mother's Day is a sham.
I say, a sham "perpetrated by bad children.
I repeat, bad children.
"So let's give America a spanking, shall we? "Join me, Jimmy James, on this so-called Mother's Day in the first annual Million Mommas March.
" Sir-- "Marching Mommas meet at 2:00 at the Capitol Dome.
And remember, Yo Momma March.
" This is WNYX.
More after this.
See, Lisa, the dream lives on.
Mother's Day will be abolished in our lifetimes.
A million marching mommas can't be wrong.
Well, sir, do you know how you're gonna handle the details? Like the food and lodging, facilities-- Yeah.
That's the genius of my plan, see? The mommas do all that.
Yeah, they love figuring all that stuff out.
And then when it's all over, they clean up.
[.]
LISA: Here they are, Dave.
The job descriptions.
Ah, good.
More fuel for my wrath.
No, no.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
You didn't write these, did you? Do what? Well, see, I just, I'd hate to think that a highly-motivated go-getter like yourself was wasting her time covering for ne'er-do-wells.
Well, don't think it.
Mm-hm.
All right.
Well, what do you say we go check these out? Sure.
Go ahead.
I'm gonna go.
I don't care.
Go ahead.
All right.
Sure.
Okay.
Hey.
Come on.
Hey.
Um, everyone? Hey, hey, everybody.
I just want to apologize, you know? I obviously got you guys all wrong.
I mean, these, these detailed and articulate job descriptions clearly show your professionalism and your dedication to the work.
I mean, I don't know what I can say except bravo.
And for you, Max, brava.
Thank you.
I worked very hard on that.
Well, that much is clear, Max.
And now that you are all warmed up, what do you say you cart those promos for me, huh? Cart? What? You know? Oh, yes.
Cart the promos.
Yes, I can do that.
Oh, I know you can, Max.
It says so right there in your job description.
And, uh, Beth? More coffee, Dave? No, got one.
Beth, why don't you just do numbers one through five on your list, okay? Yeah, okay.
I'll get right on that.
Terrific.
Terrific.
Joe and Matthew.
You guys can start at the top of your lists.
Start working your way down and I'll get back to you, okay? Thanks, everybody.
He was going to randomly fire somebody.
I just saved your jobs.
You should be thanking me.
You know, Lisa, usually we go along with your little harebrained schemes.
But collate invoices? I don't even know what a "collate" is.
I just saved your jobs.
Well, thanks for nothing.
[.]
What's the matter? Did you run out of lighter fluid? No.
You know Yo Momma March? It ain't happening.
Why? Well, apparently mommas like Mother's Day.
I know what you need.
Why? What are you doing? I'm gonna call your momma.
No, not necessary.
Don't you think she'd be proud? Yeah, she'd be proud.
But you don't have to do that.
Ringing.
Ringing.
No, no, no.
Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth.
I forgot my mommy's birthday yesterday.
Oh, my God.
The whole Million Momma March because you forgot.
Oh, not good.
No, no.
Now, Beth, you don't understand.
If Mommy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
Now just hang up.
Just hang up.
Too late.
Oh, take it.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Wait a minute.
Hey, Mommy.
Yeah, it's Ji-- Ooh.
Here you go, Dave.
Ah, more fake job descriptions? No, no.
Firing recommendations.
Oh, really? Yeah.
I've described scenarios for firing them individually.
Plus one very, very well-reasoned argument for firing them all at once.
By mail.
Well, that's very professional.
Oh, yes.
It is professional.
It is professional.
It is thorough.
It is logical.
It is decisive.
It is really good.
You know, Lisa, sometimes, you can be too professional.
Oh, my God, Dave.
They've broken you.
Uh You know, Lisa.
I want to show you something.
Hello.
I've been hitting Matthew.
What? Yeah.
I can't begin to tell you how great it feels.
Oh, I see.
I see.
Yeah.
So I spend all day trying to calm you down and save their jobs but none of it really matters because hitting someone makes you feel good.
It's not just anyone, it's Matthew.
Hello.
You know, you seem agitated.
I think I have a suggestion.
I'm not going to hit you.
Why? You'll feel better.
I don't wanna feel better.
What, are you chicken? [CLUCKING.]
Yeah, come on.
Yeah, come on.
Lisa.
You've gotta give it a shot.
All right, fine.
All right.
Ow.
All right.
You two have some fun, all right? Wait.
Maybe it's not a good idea.
No.
No, it'll be great.
Dave.
Wait.
[BLOWS LANDING.]
MATTHEW: No.
Dave? Oh, God.
Dave? My big padded suit.
It's useless against Lisa.
Master Joe, help me.
[.]