Scrubs s05e19 Episode Script

Turk and Carla were converting my old bedroom into a nursery, so I helped paint a mural for the new baby.
- Done.
- Oh, hell no! Is that big, ugly one shooting laser beams into the crib? That's Optimus Prime.
I don't think he'd appreciate you calling him the big, ugly one.
- No, he wouldn't.
- No.
Not Optimus.
If Junior gets scared, he can always climb into bed with us.
- That's what I did with my mom.
- What do you mean "did"? Last Christmas, I walked in on Turk and his mom cuddling together in bed.
Turk gets defensive when it comes to his mother.
You're jealous 'cause your mom's dead.
Whoa! We should probably take a break.
You'll finish building that crib like you promised.
You are driving to the cemetery, cleaning up my mom's grave, and asking her for forgiveness.
I hate having to ask for forgiveness.
How's my mom doing? I asked if she still hated me and the sprinklers came on.
Give her time.
She's only been dead for three years.
But, baby, it's too soon to be putting a nursery together, test driving minivans, or buying baby monitors.
I can't get this crib together.
And can somebody please bring me a glass of water? You go this time.
Thank you.
Thinking about Turk and Carla becoming parents made me think of my mom and how much she probably misses me.
I bet she wishes she could see what life is like around here through my eyes.
And that's why I strapped my video camera to my head.
- Morning, weirdo.
- Lonnie.
It was the perfect idea.
She got to meet my superiors.
That's right, the old man stole some ice cream.
I even got some great footage of Dr.
Cox.
- Where the hell have you been? - I'm making a video postcard.
- Do you have a message for my mom? - No.
But since she brought you into the world, I do have a message for her uterus.
Bad uterus! Don't do that anymore.
She had a hysterectomy, but I'm sure I can just edit over that part.
Let's go see Mr.
McNair.
Mr.
McNair had locked-in syndrome, a paralysis so severe he could only communicate through a computer that responds to his eye movements.
Check his vitals, Eva.
Why does he call you a girl's name? Thank you for asking, Mr.
McNair.
You see, the thing about Dr.
Cox is the closer he feels to a person, the more he needs to push them away.
When he calls me Eva, he's actually saying, "J.
D.
, I care about you.
" - Vulnerable people like - Oh, my God.
I get it now.
Carol.
Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol - Now you're being a jerk.
- Carol - Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! - Carol, Carol, Carol - Newbie! - What? I'm relatively certain the computer is broken.
- Carol, Carol, Carol - My bad.
I felt bad for Mr.
McNair, but I was off until six tonight, so I decided to grab a quick nap in the sun.
What the? Ah! # I can't do this all on my own # No, I know I'm no Superman # I'm no Superman # - Where the hell is J.
D.
? - He's off until six.
Any second now, he's gonna walk through that door, lost in his thoughts.
With Dorian taken care of, I'm not sure how I should spend my day.
I suppose I could clean.
God help me, that one still makes me laugh.
Oh, no, it's black Kojak and Scary Nurse-Wife.
I'll get rid of them with an innocuous compliment.
You are glowing.
Free and clear.
Have you seen J.
D.
? Where am I? Hello? Anyone? No, I don't know where he is.
I love that adrenaline rush you get from lying to someone's face.
Do it again.
Dr.
Kelso, I must say that your nose hair is not long and creepy like most old guys.
Thank you.
Hey, Perry, great shirt! Wish I'd thought of athletic apparel when going through my midlife crisis.
It'd have been cheaper than a cigarette boat named Dr.
Feelgood.
That laughing had better not be aimed in my direction, bro.
Bro? Dude, bros don't even use "bro.
" You're not as hip as you think you are.
And you are? I'm black.
God knew my people would go through struggles, so he gave us a lifetime supply of cool.
Like he knew white people would be rhythmically challenged and he gave you this dance.
You're black? 'Cause, last I checked, you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond, and you damn sure act like a black guy.
And these, my friend, are all characteristics of white guys.
Now, please understand, I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP.
That stands for the National Association For The Advancement Of Colored People.
And quite frankly, I always thought they should change "Colored People" to "African-Americans.
" But then it wouldn't be the NAACP, it would be the "N quad A," or NAAAA.
I know this probably sounds like a digression, but it actually leads me back to my original point: Do I think you're black? Nah.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Nurse Mophead.
Nurse Mophead, who? You have a mophead.
Well, your new computer should be here tonight.
She got out of here in a hurry, didn't she? I know what that's like, when people say the minimum.
But with me it's usually, "Mop that floor.
Clean that counter.
Stop provoking that bear.
" Want me to keep you company? I don't mind.
I'm just working on my own stuff anyway.
I'm a bit of an inventor.
I'm gonna show you my latest one: Pen straw.
Perfect.
Ahem! Except I don't like that cola.
It tastes like ink.
But that's just one.
I got a million ideas.
I don't care if he is on the first floor, I need this cleaned up now! I'm here.
Open up the window.
That was quick.
I call it the Hover Hoover.
Where suction meets the sky.
That's a good question.
Only problem is I've answered it five times.
Dr.
Reid, would you mind explaining to me why you called the chief of surgery to consult on a cellulitis patient yesterday? I wasn't even here yesterday.
Your interns were.
Their mistakes are your mistakes.
Whether it's an unnecessary consult, or his ridiculous haircut.
This cost $60.
Let's hope your stylist put that money towards rehab.
Darn it.
I'm sick and tired of your careless mistakes.
Why isn't this bleeder on telemetry? I know you had a 12-hour shift yesterday, but that is no excuse for not turning in your histories.
You dragged me to dinner and made me play Scrabble all night.
How you spend your private life isn't my responsibility, OK? Fine.
I'll do them tonight.
You're taking me to the movies.
Get on the ball.
All of you, go work.
Wow.
Aren't you the big badass attending? It's time for them to sink or swim.
I got to where I am on my own, OK? Nobody helped you out in the beginning? Dr.
Cox was my attending.
He kept track of the times he made me cry.
Twenty-seven, counting this morning.
Yeah, I'm PMS'ing and he made fun of my shoes.
Laverne, what are you doing out here? Tonight's date night with Mr.
Roberts and I like to prime the pump by watching the young men sweat.
Hey, Dr.
Cox, if I wasn't a black man, could I do this? That's game, all right! That's game! - You got next? - Yeah, I got next.
They call me the Candyman 'cause my moves are so sweet.
They call me The Pig, because I say sexist and derogatory things to women.
Lonnie, play with Dr.
Cox.
Let's go! Ooh! Ooh! Look at the glasses! Look at the mouthpiece! Dr.
Turk is not aware that Lonnie was all-conference at Villanova.
Would you go ahead and thank what's-his-name for me? - Jesus? - That's him.
- Let's go.
- Take ball.
Lisa, why did you order No, that's only 10 units.
I put a smiley face after the zero.
Look, Lisa, you have to be crystal clear with your medication orders.
OK, it's causing a bit of a seizure.
Hey, Janitor! Come here! Hold her legs down, please! This is it! I'm in the show! Dr.
Jan-itor.
We'll give her an amp of B50.
This is easy.
Just like drowning someone.
OK.
You can let her legs go now.
I think we're good.
I didn't see the demon leave the body.
I'm sure it did.
Hey, Janitor, good job.
Good job.
Dr.
Reid will kill me when she finds out about this.
Relax.
I'll go talk to Dr.
Reid.
It won't be a big deal.
What?! I'm gonna make someone burn for this.
Who did it, Carla? I didn't realize how much I picked up from working here.
I heard her yell, "Hold this woman's legs down," and I just knew what to do.
Good for you.
Now I've got to go meet my husband at the bus station and pretend to be a street walker.
Enjoy your date night.
OK, Mr.
Cool Guy, you had your moment of glory.
No need to make a big deal out of it.
Hey! Slow down, buddy.
What's the hurry? Come here! I want to tell you a little story about a hero.
Know what? The hell with it.
It feels good to get a little attention.
I'll tell you one thing, it beats falling flat on your ass.
Holy moly! That would've been really embarrassing if you were black.
Great.
Seriously, Carla, I need to know who's responsible for this.
Or lying to cover someone's ass.
I don't know.
It was just a clerical error.
There's no way to trace it.
Was I brave? "Brave" is a pretty strong word.
Perhaps the better term is "valiant.
" Off you go.
Anyway, for once I didn't feel like a jerk.
Is he still talking about holding that patient? Give him a break.
You know how hard it is for us to bust our humps every day.
Imagine how it feels being here knowing you don't make a difference.
# Drill-fork It can drill and fork # Mostly fork # I don't care what those people said.
I know I make a difference around here.
Hey, Jill.
They don't know how different it would be if I wasn't here.
Hey, Jill.
Yep, a lot of lives would change.
I am gonna prove that to them right now.
I am gonna fix your computer.
I just gotta get my real tools.
I've turned these into eating utensils.
Dig in.
- You know what time it is? - 4:15.
- 3:30.
- Oh, thank goodness.
- I thought I was running late.
- I do love to lie.
Look at my face.
Keith, what does it mean when I'm frowning? You're feeling insecure and suspicious that I think someone on television is prettier than you.
At work, Keith.
Ah Keith was half right.
This face means that I am suspicious.
I was reviewing records.
Mrs.
Best received an inordinate amount of insulin.
- I wanna know who screwed up.
- Elliot? You're wasting your time.
You know how interns stick together.
- They'll never rat each other out.
- I am sleeping with one of the interns.
Seeing as I've gotten Keith to pee sitting down so there's no splatter, I'm betting I'll be able to get him to talk.
Keith! Meet me in the caf in half an hour.
Keith, you better not tell her who did it.
But Elliot scares me.
Elliot is a blonde, 108-pound ski pole from a cul-de-sac in Connecticut.
I am an underpaid pregnant nurse from the block, who, over the next six months, will become fatter and angrier.
- Now, who are you really afraid of? - The fatty.
Be careful, Keith.
Oh, I love it! And you know, they say it's the safest thing we can do for our baby.
- Can we get it? - No, no, no.
Let's take it back before somebody sees me.
As a matter of fact, get down! Hey! Hello, that's a nice ride, huh, Dexter? Hate to bother you, but could you explain again, what's it like to be a young, hip black guy? You see, Dr.
Cox, what I'm gonna do is we're gonna pimp this out.
We're gonna throw some 22s on it, put some spinners on the 22s Ooh! And a DVD player so the kids can watch Elmo.
You're killing me.
Sometimes, around here, it feels like humiliation is contagious.
Mr.
McNair, I didn't exactly fix your computer.
I think I might have voided your warranty.
Elliot, I am not gonna tell you who messed up with Mrs.
Best.
Oh, no problem.
I just wanted to grab a cup of coffee.
Oh, and introduce you to my mom.
Mom.
That makes me sound so old.
I had C-sections with all my kids, so everything is as it was down there.
Uh, very nice to meet you, Mrs.
Reid.
You and Elliot would have such cute babies.
She's only got about five more years to pop one out.
- Have you ever seen chubby Elliot? - Uh, no.
If you want to see it, break up and wait a couple of weeks.
When she's depressed, she hits a bag of Doritos like there's diamonds.
Love you too, Mom.
Ah! That's your dad.
How did you get this number? Like her? If you don't tell me which intern messed up, I'll beg her to move here.
She's just a little weird, Elliot.
I can handle weird.
I'm sorry.
The light just hit you so perfectly, I had to have a taste.
- No, not you.
- It was Lisa.
I would have told you earlier, but someone told me not to.
Who told you not to? Baby, you're not really bothered by what Dr.
Cox said, are you? - You know you're my black prince.
- That's not it.
I know I'm black.
I'm reminded all the time.
Patient doesn't want a black doctor, people think I know the score to every NBA game, and I told you what happened last week when the new board member met the surgical staff.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, what's up, dawg? Nice to meet you.
It's not even about that.
It's about the nursery.
It's about that stupid minivan.
I don't know if you know this, but overnight I went from Chris Turk, Stud, to Grandpa Turk, the guy who wears overalls and does embarrassing dances at cookouts.
You do that now.
But in a cool way.
Hey.
Thanks to your little telling-me-the wrong-time prank, I was 45 minutes late for my Oriental massage.
Which meant that instead of Pang-Wa, I had to settle for Ching-Lau.
- So? - Ching-Lau is a dude! You know, I've accepted the fact that you're useless around here.
Maybe you could just try a little harder not to make things worse.
Know what he doesn't get? I could have been a janitor anywhere.
When I got out of college, I had offers.
Morgan-Stanley, Dupont I even considered taking a year off and cleaning my way across Europe.
But no, I chose a hospital.
I'm not kidding myself.
I don't have the most important job in the world, but I work in a place that helps people, and I thought I was part of that.
Who cares.
- Have you seen Carla? - Nope.
My turn.
Have you seen how stupid you look when you do your angry quick-walk? Carla covered for one of my interns and then lied to my face about it.
Come on.
Of course she did.
If an intern got hammered and stripped of what little self-confidence they have every time they messed up, there wouldn't be any left.
Luckily, Carla happens to have been here long enough to identify when someone needs to be protected.
- These kids need to stand on their - Got that right, sister.
Because you definitely got where you are on your own.
- You sure didn't give me any help.
- I didn't say I did.
It's OK.
It's not a big deal.
- But Dr.
Cox is gonna kill me.
- Dr.
Cox doesn't have to find out.
Just promise you'll practice repositioning the swans.
- I promise.
- OK.
Turk, I get it.
Having a baby changes things.
I just don't want to say goodbye to the life we have now.
Well, baby, you don't have to.
We'll still have fun, go to bars, go dancing - Really? - No.
We'll have a baby.
That would be crazy.
Just focus on the positives.
For instance, we'll still have lots of sex.
- Really? - No! But I can tell you that this is normal.
You'll get through it.
Come to think of it, what would really help me get through it Man, you're gullible today.
Well, Mr.
McNair, I hope you don't mind me hanging out all day talking to you.
I don't think you do mind.
I got a seventh sense about that.
My sixth sense is I can tell when squirrels are afraid.
Anyway, I know you lost your computer and I thought maybe you were a little bit lonely.
I've been lonely around here a couple times.
I don't know.
I just hope I helped.
Nobody's buying it.
Your new computer is finally here.
Sorry it took so long.
- What time is it? - 6:00.
How was your day? Cold.
Now help him up so he thinks there's hope for our relationship yet.
Even though the Janitor had kidnapped me, when he helped me up, I felt there was hope for our relationship yet.
Being locked up all day makes you appreciate the things that matter.
Did I ever thank you for all the help that you've given me over the years? Don't sweat it.
Like the support of a friend.
The importance of family.
What up, dawg? You know I'm down to play ball, I just gotta drop Junior off with old lady at the ducky park, yeah.
Yeah, then we're gonna hoop it up.
This isn't really gonna work for me.
I can't do it.
I can't.
Or realizing you actually do make a difference.
- And there you go, Mr.
McNair.
- Thank you.
Don't mention it.
I wasn't talking to you.