The New Adventures of Old Christine s05e19 Episode Script

Doo dah, doo dah BOTH Oh, the doo dah day.
Ah, hey.
What? We have really good harmony.
Yeah, we do.
We're like the Jonas Brothers.
Right? Mm-hmm.
Well, what do you have going on today? Uh, work, of course, but first, I'm going to give blood, and then I have a meeting with my financial advisor.
Yeah, I got nothing.
Well, not nothing.
I'm taking my Prius in for a tune-up, so that's something.
You should get them to check out that mystery smell.
Oh, it was an old egg salad sandwich in the glove compartment.
Mystery solved.
So, uh, I've got patients all morning, but do you want to meet for lunch at our place? Ooh, I love that we have a place.
You know, I've never had a place with a guy before, unless you count Richard and I at the marriage counselor.
Oh, thank you, sir.
You're welcome, madam.
Oh.
You know what's nice? Hmm? This.
Us.
So comfortable.
I'm happy.
Look at us.
We're like one of those way-too adorable couples in an erectile dysfunction commercial.
Mm.
Oh, the doo dah day.
Mmm.
Oh, come on.
Not in the kitchen.
I eat expired food in here.
Oh, relax.
There's nothing going on.
Now, but last night we had it going on.
Ew.
I don't like when I'm that guy.
I don't know.
That guy was pretty good last night.
Ew.
Yeah.
Hmm? Bye.
See you later.
What? I knew you guys were doing it.
I can always tell.
Wow.
That's a superpower that must come in handy never.
You guys have quite a thing going.
Yeah.
It's comfortable.
It's nice.
It's calm.
Ooh.
Comfortable.
Calm.
Sexy.
It is sexy.
We have a nice routine.
I even go to the bathroom in front of him.
I don't think you know what sexy means.
No, she does.
Bathroom stuff can be sexy.
Real sexy.
What in the hell is wrong with you? My girlfriend's 18 months pregnant.
Everything else seems real sexy by comparison.
Eating this cereal is like a Cinemax movie.
Mmm.
Well, anyway, for once in my life, I'm without drama.
Well, that's nice.
You deserve it.
Hmm.
Well, you don't, but it's still nice.
Oh, my life is in a good place, too.
No drama, no surprises.
Oh, that reminds me.
I can't live with you anymore.
What are you talking about? I'm moving back in with New Christine.
Well, what am I supposed to do? You know we signed a lease.
I can't afford the apartment all by myself.
Well, you can always move back in with me.
I'm sorry, but New Christine and I are having a baby together, remember? We just bought a hibachi together, remember? I mean, we were going to grill shrimp on the balcony together, remember? We were going to grill so many things.
You can always move back in with me.
Sorry.
Baby beats hibachi.
Yeah.
Matthew's about to beat Richard.
Move back in with me.
I'll help you find a new roommate.
It's an apartment by the beach.
It's not gonna be difficult.
Me.
Me.
Me, me, me.
No, no, no.
Me.
No, no.
Me, me, me.
No, no, no, no Me, me, me Are you Ms.
Campbell? Oh.
Um, yeah.
I only ate two donuts.
Okay, well, I have one in my purse.
Okay, I have two in my purse.
Okay, I ate three.
You can have all the donuts you want.
I ate five.
The service department just brought your paperwork over to me, and I notice that your lease is up.
Oh, no, no, no.
I have a five-year lease.
Right.
It's been five years.
What?! No, that's not possible.
I bought this car right after my divorce.
What?! Have I been divorced for five years? What?! Did I really just eat five donuts? Well, time and donuts go fast.
Not this fast.
I bought this car to symbolize the start of big changes in my life.
Where are the big changes? Wow.
I've accomplished nothing.
I'm a big fat failure.
Admit it, I'm a big fat failure.
I'm not going to admit that.
Five years really isn't that long.
Most people don't change that much in that time.
Why? What were you doing five years ago? Five years.
Yeah, that's what I said- five years.
No, that's what I was doing- five years.
In Chino State for jury tampering.
See? Well, everyone changes.
God, this blows.
I'm still in the same crappy house, I own the same crappy gym, Richard's moving back in with New Christine, which means, I'm going to be the same crappy Old Christine forever? Just admit it.
I don't know any of this stuff, ma'am.
I just know that you have two days left for your lease, and they sent me out here to see if I can put you in a beautiful new car.
No.
You know what? I have two days to make something happen.
And I promise you, when I come back here, you're going to see a whole different person.
Someone who has done something.
Great.
Well, when you come back, don't forget to ask for Jasper.
Oh, thank you.
I will, Jasper.
Oh, I'm not Jasper.
Thank you.
Uh, we'll be in touch.
In hell! What was wrong with that guy? He was playing pocket pool the entire time he was talking to me.
When did that become a bad thing? Ugh! All these people are psychos and freaks.
I'll never find a roommate.
Because you expect too much.
"He smells.
" "He's wearing a hockey mask.
" "She had a parrot on her shoulder.
" Maybe you're just too picky.
Picky? I have two criteria: the room shouldn't smell like you after you leave, and don't kill me in my sleep.
Hi.
I'm Ken.
I'm here about the ad.
All right, Ken, before you come in, I've had to disqualify people today for the following reasons.
Please let me know if any of these apply to you.
All right.
Do you have an evil twin? Is there anything I must see on YouTube? We you ever fired from a carnival? Are you now or have you ever been an adult baby? Wow.
You've been meeting a lot of weirdoes, huh? Yeah, you have no idea.
Well, um, I'm pretty normal.
Uh, actually, you wouldn't see that much of me 'cause I'm on the road about three weeks a month.
I'm a swimsuit model photographer.
Ah, swimsuit model photographer.
Weird.
Thanks anyway.
No.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Come on.
Come on in.
Oh, you have a great place.
Thanks.
Oh.
Decent kitchen.
I'm a big cook.
I hope you don't mind.
Mind? No.
We've been eating ramen noodles for four months.
I sweat chicken flavor.
I was going to be a chef.
I went to culinary school.
But don't worry.
I clean up after myself.
I'm a bit of a neat freak.
Are you crying? Well, I think we've heard everything we need to.
We're sorry to waste your time, but as it turns out, this place is already tan, but thanks for coming.
Taken? Richard, can I talk to you? Uh, Ken, do you mind waiting in the hallway for just a minute? It's a very nice hallway.
It's haunted.
It's not haunted.
Uh, please don't leave.
Oh, and one question.
Would you ever borrow another person's toothbrush? I did it once.
I would rather kill myself.
Oh, please don't leave.
Max, what are we doing? What are we doing? It's Wednesday.
We're splitting Lo Mein.
Yeah, exactly.
And it's the same thing every Wednesday.
And then tomorrow's Thursday, which means I'm gonna sleep at your house, and you'll make pasta, and we'll eat it in your bed, and I'll spill wine on your expensive duvet, and you'll pretend it doesn't bother you.
Right.
Thursday, which is why I have a Thursday duvet.
But everything's the same all the time.
Nothing ever changes.
Well, we like comfortable, remember? Yeah, that was before I talked to the guy who wasn't Jasper.
Who's Jasper? I said he wasn't Jasper.
Do you know that I've had the same car for five years? Wow, that's a lot of Filet-O-Fish wrappers for only five years.
And what have I accomplished in five years? I don't know.
You met me.
Ugh.
Ugh? No.
I didn't mean it like that.
It's just It's like everybody is moving forward except me.
Richard's having a new baby.
Barb became a U.
S.
citizen.
Matthew became a doctor.
Well, not a real doctor.
A psychologist.
Right, a psychologist, like me.
Ugh.
And here we are.
At the same place, at the same table, you know, standing still while life is just passing us by.
So what do you suggest we do? We need forward motion.
We need to shake up our universe.
I can't let another five years go by without some big change.
All right.
You want change? I'll give you change.
Really? Christine I-don't-know-your-middle-name Campbell will you marry me? Marry you? Max.
Of course not.
Sit.
Sit in your chair.
My God.
Max, you weren't serious, were you? No.
No.
I just wanted to humiliate myself in front of Chinese people.
Well, I'm sorry, but it was just so out of the blue.
Well, not really.
I've been thinking about it.
I-I hadn't planned to do it here.
I probably would have picked a more romantic spot than Mr.
Tung's Dumpling Hut, but But the way you were going on about change, it seemed like you were ready.
Yeah.
When I said change, I meant like cutting bangs or sleeping with Denzel Washington.
I can't believe I kneeled on a pot sticker for you.
Well, listen, I have done the marriage thing, and it wasn't great.
And I don't want to do it again.
It's so stupid.
And really, at our age Got it.
Got it.
The answer's no.
I heard you the first time.
Everybody heard you the first time.
Thank you.
Well, I'm sorry that I started this whole thing.
Let's just go back to the way things were.
The way things were.
Absolutely.
That sounds great.
Don't worry, folks, we're going back to the way things were.
Why are you trying to get rid of Ken? Oh, so now it's Ken! Yeah it's always been Ken, ever since we met him four minutes ago.
I'm just not getting a good vibe from Ken.
Swimsuit model photographer? What kind of man objectifies women? You do-- they named a sandwich after you at Hooters.
Boy, what's with you? Why do you like all the freaks, and then when the perfect guy comes along, you think he's all wrong.
I mean, don't you want me to be happy? Of course I do.
I just want you to be slightly less happy than me.
It's like this much less, not a lot.
I can't believe you're so petty you don't want me to be as happy as you, and you're the one who's leaving.
It's totally irrational.
I'm gonna tell Ken he can move in.
Wait.
Richard, the hallway is not haunted.
No, not that.
This isn't easy to admit but living with you these past few months has been awesome.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be moving back in with New Christine, but that means this is the last bro-partment I'll ever be in.
For you, there will be so many more bro-partments.
Stop saying "bro-partment.
" All I'm saying is that when I'm old You are already old.
I'm gonna look back on this time as a high point of my life.
Saddest sentence ever.
And I was just hoping that what we had here meant as much to you as it meant to me.
It's stupid, I know.
Go, be with Ken.
Okay.
I've had the time of my life.
Our time in the bro-partment was epic and bro-tastic and no one will ever bro-place you.
I love you, too.
That is not what I said.
And you should feel free to live with whoever you want.
Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt.
Uh I'm not gonna take the apartment.
I could hear you through the door.
You guys belong together.
I told you he was weird.
Stop hugging me.
So, I decided I'm going to turn in my Prius today.
Yeah, why not, right? I mean, it's silly to mark time by a car lease.
Well, you should do what you want to do.
You know, you always do.
And you love that about me, right? Ah, I could take it or leave it.
Okay, what? What's wrong? 'Cause this-this feels different.
What's wrong? Yes.
I feel rejected and embarrassed.
I know you feel that way all the time, but it's new for me.
You get used to it.
You're right, I will get used to it.
We don't have to get married; we can just date for the rest of our lives, like my bachelor aunts in Florida.
I didn't say that I wanted to date forever.
So you want to break up? Because those are our two options, Christine, date or break up.
No.
I just want things to be the same.
So even though you were complaining about not moving forward and how you wanted change, when it comes right down to it, you're all talk.
No, I'm not all talk- sometimes I'm all action.
You get Denzel Washington here right now, I'll show you.
Fine, you want things exactly the way they are, that's fine, you know? Some people are afraid of change.
By the way, I'm not real comfortable with that.
What? Why? It's just pee.
Not always.
Welcome to Toyota.
Can I Oh, boy.
Hi.
I don't know if you remember me, but, uh, I was here the other day Yesterday.
And, um, I said that I was off to make some changes, which didn't really materialize.
I see you're wearing the same shirt as yesterday.
For example.
But I think that I'm ready to get a new car.
Which just goes to show you I do not fear change-- so you were wrong about me.
No, I stand by everything I said about you in the break room.
So what are we looking at? Can I interest you in a Sienna, a Venza, maybe a Highlander hybrid? Uh I don't know, maybe.
Ooh.
Ooh, I like that car over there.
The silver Prius? Yeah.
That's your old car.
What? God, what did you do, wash it? Oh, maybe I should get a new Prius.
Well, great.
And, you know, there have been some exciting new features added since you leased your car.
XM Satellite Radio, voice-activated navigation system, intelligent parking assist.
No, I like my car exactly the way it is.
Do you have something like that, with the same color and interior? Yes.
Your car.
Perhaps we should just extend your lease.
Yeah, but I want change; I'm not afraid.
So let's get you into a new car.
Uh, I don't want change.
I'm afraid.
Okay, there's nothing wrong with that.
Some people want to go through life like Indiana Jones, while others are happier being Regarding Henry.
I put Harrison Ford in a Tundra truck last month.
Oh.
Yeah, I see your point.
Yeah, in a way, I'm kind of like Indiana Jones.
No, you're Regarding Henry.
What? Didn't he get shot in the head and suffer brain damage? Yeah.
You see, Indiana Jones has a lot of fun and adventures, but gets beat up a lot, which isn't for everyone.
Regarding Henry just finds a nice level of happiness that he's comfortable with, and learns to read at a third-grade level.
Yeah, that sounds nice.
But maybe it's time that I took some chances.
Does this mean? Yeah, I think I'm ready to take the next step in my relationship with Max.
Sure.
Why would I think we're talking about cars? And I am gonna get this red Prius with the navigation system and the TV in the steering wheel! Yeah, we don't do that.
Boy, you got to admit that's a good idea, though.
I will not admit that.
Yes! Yes what? Yes, I will marry you.
I didn't ask you.
Yes, you did.
Yesterday.
And you said no, so that offer's off the table.
I decided you were right- what we have is great.
Well, I decided you were right- what we haveucks.
We should get married.
What happened to you? I'm going through the change.
Ugh! I figured.
You know, you're always hot when I'm cold No, no, no, not that change.
I'm changing my life.
Although, wow, it is hot in here, right? I got a red Prius today.
It's all new and different, and I love it.
And I love you.
So yes.
Again, no one's asking.
Okay.
Really, I do, I understand.
You're hurt and rejected.
So Ow! Ooh! God, something just popped.
What are you what are you doing? Will you marry me? No! Get up.
No, I'm not gonna get up until you say you'll marry me.
You wanted to; you asked me yesterday.
How could your feelings have changed in one day? Yours did! Do you really not want to marry me? I don't want you to ask me.
Oh.
Okay, then you ask me.
But I can't get up.
Seriously, something bad has just happened to my knee.
Christine still-don't-know-your- middle-name Campbell against all my better judgment, professional training and the advice of both our waiter and our busboy I'm asking will you marry me? No.
I'm kidding.
Yes! Mmm.
So, this how is this gonna work? Oh.
Well, um, I don't think we should change everything just because we're engaged.
I mean, I think I should still sleep at your place on Tuesdays and Thursdays when Ritchie's with his dad.
Yeah, and I'd like to stick with our Chinese food Wednesdays.
Yeah, I don't want a ring.
I don't want to buy you one.
And let's not tell people.
God, no, no.
People would think I was crazy.
Uh if I understand this, we're we're just gonna do exactly what we're doing now.
Yes.
Except we're engaged.
We're engaged! Great, now no one cares.
So, as you can see, the apartment's small, but it's near the beach.
I like cozy-- and you have a balcony.
I can finally get rid of my tan lines.
Oh.
And I can finally get rid of my binoculars.
You're funny.
I like funny.
I'm funny.
Oh, I'm going to school at night, so if it's okay, I might bug you to help me with my homework.
Oh, what are you studying? Massage.
The balcony's haunted.
Richard! Dude, we bought a hibachi.
You know what, let's discuss this in the hallway, please.
Uh Uh Welcome to the neighborhood.