Friends s05e20 Episode Script

Okay, guys, listen.
Tomorrow, Emily gets married again.
So try to really keep Ross' mind off of it.
Good idea.
Hey, man.
What's up? Just thinking about Emily getting married tomorrow.
Oh, Ross! Look, look! What? Where? Right over there! There! Look, look, look! -What am I looking at? -Somebody help me out here.
Hey! Monica, sorry I didn't come by.
I was out with Gary.
He let me ride around with him.
We saw and prevented crimes.
You got to go on a ride-along? -I want to go on a ride-along! -Me too! -Okay.
-Yeah! Me too! Really? You? Yeah.
-Well, it's kind of dangerous.
-Well, I like danger.
-Okay, you guys free tonight? -Yeah! You didn't say it was gonna be at nighttime.
The One With the Ride-Along I'm so glad you're home.
We can finally organize these photos.
Oh, thank God! Finally! I've broken them down into categories.
We got holidays, birthdays, candids.
And I've cross-referenced them by subject.
So if you're looking up, say birthdays and dogs, you get photo 152.
See? Oh, it's me and LePoo.
Wow, I miss that dog.
You can also find him under "dog" and "dead.
" Great.
Thanks.
Hand me that other box of photos.
That's the last one.
Oops.
Sorry.
Good thing you numbered them.
I hadn't.
Photo 152 was a prototype.
Honey, it's okay.
It's okay.
How about I fix you a drink? Maybe a margarita? Ross has the blender.
Everything's just falling apart.
It's okay.
I'll go to Ross', get the blender.
-You get the margarita stuff ready.
-All right.
His keys are in the drawer.
Also, I need some cash.
Want me to stop at the ATM? No.
While you're at Ross', if you see any lying around.
-What? -What? I don't do that.
That was so cool, man.
The way you leaned on that guy.
It is starting to get dark out there.
He told you everything.
You cracked him.
He was the victim.
They're usually pretty talkative.
Okay, but it is officially nighttime.
-Want me to grab the berry for you? -It's called a cherry.
It's called Chandler! Okay, I got it.
This place makes the best sandwich in the world.
Does it have meatballs? Oh, yeah.
Melted cheese and marinara sauce? Yep.
You can't eat that in my car.
Yeah, okay.
Even though my tax dollars paid for this car.
Your tax dollars? Yeah, okay.
Wow, that sandwich smells good.
Did I say you could smell it? I can't smell it? Half the taste is in the smell.
You're sucking up all the taste units.
Okay, I'll give them back.
What is so great about that sandwich? Imagine the best sex you ever had.
-Are you thinking about Monica? -Yeah.
What's that like? Please don't be from a real dinosaur.
Please, please.
Please, please.
"Made in Mexico.
" Yes! Who would buy this? Rach, it's me.
Pick up! What's up? I need a few more things for the margaritas.
I need some salt, some margarita mix and tequila.
So all we had was ice? See if he has ice.
Hello, Ross? It's Emily here.
I know this is out of the blue, but I'm getting married tomorrow.
Well, maybe I am.
I keep thinking about you.
And I'm wondering if we made a mistake giving up so fast.
Are you thinking about me? No, of course you're not.
But if you are, call me tonight.
Okay, bye.
Where we going? This witness won't return my calls.
We'll surprise him coming home.
Surprise him? We're not gonna make anybody mad, are we? Come on, man.
You gonna squeeze the perp's shoes a bit before he lawyers up? He's a witness, not a perp.
And no one talks like that.
Yeah.
No one talks like that.
-Oh, what, like you're Mr.
Cop? -I'm more cop than you two.
How do you figure that? I'm in the front seat, okay? I'm Gary's partner.
When you say "partner," it doesn't sound cop.
It sounds gay.
Jealous.
-Hey, we're undercover here.
-Oh, yeah.
No problem.
-Ross! -Sorry.
There.
Hey, Gary.
Who am l? Phone home.
Look at Officer Ross riding back here with the visitors.
What's up with that, Serpico? "What's up with that, Serpico?" Are you thinking about me? No, of course you're not.
But if you are, call me tonight.
Okay, bye.
No.
I know! Thank God you were here.
We have to erase that.
What? We can't do that.
We have to.
What if Ross hears that and calls her back and they get back together? Is that what you want? Ross back with that controlling neurotic, crazy Emily? The Emily that wouldn't let him see you? No! Oh, no, no.
God, no! He should not get back with her.
I know that, you know that.
Even Ross knows that.
But we have no right to erase his message.
Look, I'm his sister and I love him.
I don't want to see him get hurt.
Doesn't that give me the right to control him? Help him? He's not the one who needs help.
She's obviously unstable.
She's thinking about running out on her wedding day.
Okay, fine.
But look at the position she's putting him in.
And what's he gonna do? Run over there on the wedding day and break up the marriage? Who would do that? Okay, fine.
All right.
But that was different.
Although it did involve a lot of the same people.
This is some twisted joke she's playing on him.
You are crazy.
She sounded genuinely upset.
I mean, listen.
Your messages have been erased.
No! Well, that worked out well.
Margarita? Okay, but we're safe, right? Nothing bad's gonna go down.
No.
But that reminds me.
Sign this.
What is it? It just says you can't sue if you scrape your knee or get your head blown off.
Oh, hurry up.
I want to sign that.
Here he comes.
What is he doing? What the hell is he doing? What is it? -ls everything okay? -What? He sees us.
Don't move.
And don't look at him! Hey, it's okay.
It was just a car backfire.
Hey, look at that.
You tried to save your buddy.
You see that? You see what he did? You okay, man? Thanks, Joey.
Hello? Hi.
You all right? We should go.
No, wait.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
No.
Monica.
Monica, we have to fix this.
What can we do? You erased the message.
Yeah, but maybe I could call his machine and re-create the message.
All right, okay.
Hello, Ross, this is Rachel Emily.
God, what is it with those two names? I do so wanted to say that I'm going to be getting married to another British person.
And I'm having doubts and scones.
-I can't remember what she said.
-Yeah, that's the problem with this plan.
Rachel, come on.
The message is erased, there's nothing we can do.
He's never gonna find out.
I could tell him about it.
If you want to be rational, I can't argue with you.
All right? Fine, tell him.
I just don't want to be a part of it.
Maybe that's Emily leaving the exact same message.
Hey, Ross, it's you.
I just want you to remember this feeling.
You are lucky to be alive.
So live every day to the fullest.
Love yourself, okay? And also get stamps.
Bye.
Play that message for Emily, and this problem goes away.
Right? Anybody want to meet a hero? John Glenn is here? No.
Joey.
Joey's never been in outer space.
We had the most incredible night.
-We're in the car -Wait.
Hold on.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Okay, go ahead.
So we're in the car, and bang! A shot was fired.
And Joey, with no regard for his own safety throws himself on me.
My God! It was a car backfire.
But he didn't know that.
Yeah, I didn't know that.
It could just as easily have been a bullet.
Ever think about joining the force? We could use a guy like you.
Who jumps at loud noises.
Wow.
I could have died tonight.
Yeah, if the car that backfired had run over you! I'm gonna go home, before Ross starts rambling about his newfound respect for life.
I do have a newfound respect for life.
Oh, my God! Ross, I could have told you you weren't gonna die today.
What? You know when I'm gonna die? -You want to get some dinner? -Sure.
You know what? If I heard a shot right now, I'd throw my body on you.
Maybe we should walk in a bad neighborhood.
Okay.
Bye.
Cut it out.
I'd hate to save your life and kick your ass on the same day.
Why'd you take off? Just going for a walk.
Around the living room, whatever.
-ls something wrong? -No.
No, I'm just tired.
You know, from the walk.
You dove in front of Ross! Ross! That's what this is about.
Oh, my God.
You hate Ross! I don't hate Ross.
Of course you do.
I saved him.
You're mad at me.
It adds up.
You want Ross out of the picture.
What picture? I don't know.
But I don't like what I'm hearing.
I'm glad you saved Ross in the car backfire.
But it could've been a bullet.
And you didn't try to save me.
You're upset because you think I chose Ross over you.
No, I knew you could take care of yourself.
You know? I mean, Ross needs help.
He's not "street" like us.
You'd risk your life for Ross before you would for me.
That's the bottom line.
No, not exactly.
All right, look.
I wasn't trying to save Ross.
Okay? My sandwich was next to Ross.
All right? I was trying to save my sandwich.
From a bullet? -I know it doesn't make much sense.
-"Much" sense? Look, it was instinct! I just went for it.
You risked your life for a sandwich? I know it sounds crazy but this is the greatest sandwich in the world! So you didn't choose Ross before me? No.
I would never do that.
You're like my brother.
-Really? -Yeah.
In fact, to prove how much you mean to me.
Here.
-Thanks.
-Easy, it's not a hot dog! How good is that? See? What are you doing? You're showing me how much I mean to you.
With a bite.
Jeez! What are you doing here? Hey, you know what? You are in our apartment all the time! This is just a drop in the bucket, mister! It doesn't matter.
The important thing is that you're here.
You're my friend and you're here.
Okay, just a little scared.
What's going on? The most amazing thing happened tonight.
I thought my number was up.
I had an actual near-death experience.
What happened? We were on the ride-along with Gary and somebody took a shot at me! Really? No.
A car backfired.
But I thought somebody was taking a shot at me.
And, Rach I survived! And I was filled with this great respect for life.
I want to experience every moment.
I want to seize every opportunity.
I am seeing everything so clearly now.
Because a car backfired? Okay.
Why are you here? I don't know how this fits into your whole "seizing" thing but Emily called you today.
-You talked to her? -She left a message.
But it kind of got erased.
I mean, there's something wrong with your machine.
What did she say? Something about having second thoughts about the wedding and did you guys make a mistake breaking up? And she wants you to call her.
Wow.
That was a good thing that I told you, right? Yeah.
Yes.
Of course.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
Because I'm gonna go tell Monica I was right.
Because she didn't want Not important.
Point is, I was right.
Your decision.
Okay? I was right.
Your decision.
Right.
I guess I should call Emily.
No, that's not the right decision.
That's not right.
Ross, come on! I mean that woman made you miserable! Do you really want to get back into that? Okay, look.
Yesterday I wouldn't have even considered calling her back.
But my ex-wife calls on the same day I have a near-death experience? That's gotta mean something.
That was not a near-death experience.
That was barely an experience.
You weren't there! Maybe this is something that I'm supposed to seize, you know? Okay.
You know what? Maybe this is not about seizing stuff.
Maybe this is about escaping stuff.
Okay? Look at today.
I mean, you escaped death.
And maybe this is a chance for you to escape getting back together with Emily.
That does make sense.
Because I do want to seize some opportunity but I really don't want to see or talk to her.
Well, there you go! Yeah, maybe today's just "close call" day.
Hey, thanks, Rach.
Oh, honey.
No problem.
Wait, wait.
The message is blinking.
Maybe you didn't erase it.
Hey, Ross, it's you That's an old message.
Nobody needs to hear that.
-Hey, was Monica here? -Yeah.
I want my money back.
You probably need that for stamps, right? Has Gary ever been shot at for real? Yes, once.
A little.
He kind of did it to himself.
It's not really a good story.
I wonder how I'd react under fire.
And not backfire but heavy fire.
Like, if I was in a war.
Man, I would be great in a war! I think I'd make a fantastic military leader.
I mean, I know I'd make general before any of you guys.
Before or after you were shot by your own troops? I know Joey would be in the foxhole protecting all of us.
If the foxhole was lined with sandwiches.
Yeah, hero sandwiches.
You all know I'm a pacifist, so I'm not interested in war in any way.
But when the revolution comes, I'll have to destroy you all.
Not you, Joey.