Hogan's Heroes (1965) s05e20 Episode Script

( theme music playing ) All right, let's run it down again.
All of us here? One of our Krauts is missing.
Carter! CARTER: Yes, sir! I hate to rush you, Carter, but I promised General Marshall to keep the war on schedule.
I'm sorry, Colonel.
Newkirk, you made the pants too long.
Would you like your money back? Sorry, no refunds given once the trousers have left the shop.
Look, we'll get you a better tailor in World War III, okay? Now, heads up.
This is the Millheim railroad bridge.
According to the underground information, they change the guard at 10:00.
We'll get there a half hour early, bluff the guard and take over.
We'll wire the bridge, and that's that.
Right.
This high ground here we'll use for observation before we move in.
Kinch, I want you to cover this area of the woods.
They may have a patrol backing up the bridge unit.
Got it, Colonel.
Okay, let's move out.
Carter! Would you keep your pants on? That's a direct order.
Yes, sir.
( groans ) LeBEAU: Get up already.
Looks okay.
Nice and quiet down there.
All right, let's go.
( quietly ): Kraut patrol, Colonel, four men.
How close? Lower your voice.
Right, let's go back to camp.
Everybody, you're on your own.
Move it.
Soldier! Uh, yeah I mean, ja.
"Ja" is what I mean, definitely "ja.
" Where did you find that? It was right here.
Good work.
Pick up this stuff.
We will go back and make our report on this.
Fall in! Fall in! Follow me.
Very nice little operation.
Not only don't we blow the bridge, we lose the dynamite, the detonator and Carter.
Beautiful.
We should have stayed home.
I was willing.
Remember, Louis? I said, "Let's have a little sleep and think about it.
" Aah, shut up.
Make that an order.
He should have been here an hour ago.
What happened? He had the detonator in his hand.
Looked to me like he couldn't make up his mind about taking it.
Maybe he tried to carry the detonator and the dynamite.
Nah, he never would have made it.
Not and hold his pants up at the same time.
You think we ought to go out again, Colonel, try to find him? I hate to think what could happen to him.
I'm not worried in the least.
You're a great comfort to us, Newkirk.
Listen, sir, Andrew's very clever.
Any moment now, he's going to come climbing up through that tunnel as nice as you please.
Maybe, but I have a terrible feeling he's in some Gestapo jail strung up by his thumbs.
( men laughing ) Out there it was cold, but we did our job.
Now Gott und Führer.
OTHERS: Gott und Führer! Prosit! Ja, prosit! By all means, prosit! Ah That's good beer, huh? Wunderbar.
I mean, in this case, would it be Wunderbier? Achtung! OFFICER: Heil Hitler.
As you were.
This is the man.
Achtung! ( clicks heels ) ( clicks heels ) He found the dynamite and the saboteurs' equipment.
Very good.
How did this happen? Uh how did it happen? Ja, how did it happen? Ja, how did it happen? Ja.
Well, I was walking through the woods.
On your way here? Ja, on my way here to, uh Ja, ja, go on, go on.
Ja, to, uh Ja, to the Fourth Panzer Brigade.
So? Uh, so, I heard a noise, I went to investigate and I found the stuff.
Very clever.
Danke.
Once in a while you get lucky.
Your name? Uh my name? Ja, your name.
Ja! My name The papers, the papers.
My papers, ja, my papers.
Oh, and there's my name, Private Hans Wagner.
Ja, I can read.
It's a very good record.
Invasion of Poland, Battle of France, Eastern Front.
Boy, was it ever cold.
( chuckles ) ( clicks heels ) We are waiting for replacements like yourself.
Where are your orders? Uh my orders? Your orders.
Ja, uh, my orders, uh, uh, my orders, uh Ja? My orders.
I'm I'm I must have lost them.
Well, you have a good record.
Sergeant, make this man acting corporal.
He has the experience.
Jawohl, Herr Kapitän.
Acting corporal? Me? Congratulations.
Danke.
Good boy.
( knock at door ) What a sight.
Wake him up, Schultz.
Jawohl, Major.
Herr Kommandant, please.
Herr Kommandant, please wake up.
( muttering ) He's a very heavy sleeper.
Ja, I know, a heavy sleeper and a light thinker.
Get him up! Jawohl, Major.
Herr Kommandant.
Wake up! Bitte, Herr Kommandant! Wake up, Herr Kommandant! Bitte, wake up! Heil Hitler! No, no, no, no.
It's Major Hochstetter.
Heil Hochstetter! Oh, oh, Major Hochstetter.
What what what are you doing here? What's happening? There was an attempted sabotage on the Millheim railroad bridge.
It failed.
Oh, that's terrible.
Why must they do these things at night? We are checking all stalags for possible escapees.
Order a roll call at once.
A roll call at this hour? Are you crazy, Major? I am so crazy, I may have you arrested if you don't do as I say! That's crazy enough for me.
For me, too.
Schultz, don't stand there like a fat statue.
Give the orders! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
What is this thing on your head? Oh, oh, that.
It has a special ointment to stimulate the growth of my hair.
Ja, ja.
Any possibility it might stimulate some activity under the scalp? Raus, raus! Everybody, roll call! You must be kidding, Schultz! Come on, LeBeau, "Raus," I said! No back talk at all! Don't push me! What do you mean, don't push you? Raus, everybody! Raus! Let's go! Newkirk, Newkirk! Raus! What about Carter? Yeah, we can't stall much longer.
Newkirk's going to do some fancy footwork.
That's the wrong man.
I beg your pardon, Schultz.
This is not the man who stands here.
What man is that? Carter.
Carter who? It's not "Carter who?"; it's "Carter where?"! Well, make up your bleeding mind.
Who do you want: Carter who or Carter where? What difference does it make, "Carter who," "Carter where"? Where's Carter? You got to do something about your English, Schultz; it's terrible.
Carter, where are you? Yo! Who wants me? That's "Carter who"! This is not your place! You get a guy up in the middle of the night and you expect him to be on the ball? Now, get back to your place! You understand? Schnell! Okay, schnell.
Who cares where you are, as long as you're here? ( all shouting ) SCHULTZ: Quiet! This is roll call! Report! SCHULTZ: Attention! What kind of POW camp are you running? ( prisoners grumbling ) NEWKIRK: You ought to be ashamed of yourself doing this.
Herr Kommandant, all present and accounted for! Very good, Sergeant.
Is he sure? Are you sure? Yes, sir! Yes, sir.
All right.
All right! I suggest nightly roll calls until we find the saboteurs.
Nightly roll calls? Is that necessary? Essential! Very good idea, Major.
Attention! From now on, there will be nightly roll calls until further notice! ( prisoners grumble ) Dismissed.
( grumbling continues ) LeBEAU: Boy, I'm glad he made it in time.
Ooh, it's cold.
CARTER: And then, then he made me acting corporal! Now, can you beat that? Boy, that is pretty crazy.
But you got away with it.
Yes, sir.
Boy, but talk about being scared.
My guts were turning over.
Yeah, there's a nice mental picture.
Oui, very medical.
Here, have some coffee.
No, thanks, Louis.
Carter, they got the dynamite? Yes, sir.
And the detonator box.
And they obviously got in touch with the Gestapo, otherwise Hochstetter wouldn't be here.
Well, I'm glad it's over.
If you guys don't mind, I'm going to turn in.
I can still feel the whole thing right in there.
I'm sorry you said that, Carter-- about turning in, I mean.
What? Well, I thought you might say, "Sorry, fellas, I've got to get back to Company C, Fourth Panzer Brigade.
" You'd have a long wait, sir.
( chuckles ) Holy cow, you mean go back there? Andrew, they got the dynamite; we need it.
We can't get any more.
Our orders are to blow up that bridge.
It's just sitting there.
Well, who cares? Let it sit! Can't we leave a few bridges in Germany alone? You bluffed them once, didn't you? Well, he had a nice set of papers.
Yeah, signed by you, Major Newkirkheim.
Very convincing.
Battle of France, the Eastern Front.
Boy, my guts are spinning around at just the thought of going back there.
Carter, you made acting corporal, didn't you? Well, yes.
You'll throw all that away? Like a shot.
Here.
Here's the uniform.
There's a beer stain on the front.
I'll pay for the dry cleaning.
Carter the Kraut says good night.
HOGAN: Andrew.
Listen it's the dream of every intelligence outfit to plant a man with the enemy's army.
You're that man.
It's a first.
It's a great opportunity, Andrew.
Listen, mate, the colonel's asking you.
That's the same as an order.
You could be court-martialed if you refuse.
Sure, I could be court-martialed and shot in two armies.
That's another first.
Carter, all you have to do is put on the uniform, go back there and report.
Right, and be back here in time for tomorrow night's roll call.
Nothing to it.
Bigmouth.
Well, that's another thing.
I forgot-- the new roll call.
What? Do you want me to commute? I'm going to need a bicycle, for Pete's sakes! Look, you go there and get the dynamite.
I'll talk Klink out of the special roll calls.
That sounds like a fair deal.
Who are you guys trying to kid? Listen, before I'm going to go back there, I'm going to quit this outfit.
I'll quit the German army.
I'll quit the war! Quit the war? You're darn tootin'! Carter who's going to break the news to Roosevelt and Churchill? Personally, I think the nightly roll calls are a good idea.
I am so glad you approve.
It gives me a nice, warm feeling inside.
Why do you like night roll calls? I know how impossible it is to escape from Stalag 13.
I was hoping it would keep the men in line.
Mm-hmm.
And it hasn't? Just the opposite-- the escape committee has submitted two plans in just the last Plans? Yeah, one prisoner wants to use the roll calls to escape disguised as you.
( laughing ) ( chuckling ): As Colonel Klink? That is you.
Imitate me? Hard to believe.
Yes, you are.
I hope you told him.
Yes, I said you were impossible.
I'm so glad.
Yep.
Uh, you know, frankly, I I think you should discontinue the roll calls, sir.
Can't be done! Saboteurs tried to destroy a very important bridge.
You're kidding.
Major Hochstetter's determined to find them.
He's ordered special security for all the stalags.
He's ordered? He's only a major.
You're a colonel.
Hogan, you don't understand the Gestapo, do you? No, I don't.
Neither do I.
I just do as they demand.
Request denied.
Dismissed.
Well, don't say I didn't warn you.
Excuse me, Herr Kommandant.
The supply sergeant just called.
Schultz and Major Hochstetter have left the ammunition bunker.
Danke, Fräulein Hilda.
Bitte.
Aah, that Hochstetter, he's everywhere.
Right now he's checking our supply of dynamite to see if anything is missing.
Covers all the bases, doesn't he? Yes, and I'd like to booby-trap one of those bases.
That's naughty.
Acting Corporal Hans Wagner, I believe.
I hitched a ride.
You've got a lot of the kamikaze in you.
Colonel, I had to see you.
I can't find the dynamite; now, talk fast.
Gestapo been around? Maybe they found it.
Negative-- they talk about it like it's still there.
Then keep looking.
Please, Colonel, can't I come home? You're doing fine, except for this crazy move.
I'm warning you, there'll be another first.
I'll go AWOL from two armies at the same time.
Easy, easy.
We'll see you tonight.
Yeah.
Tonight?! I couldn't talk Klink out of a roll call-- I'm sorry.
Well, that takes the cake.
What if I can't get out? We'll start without you.
But, Colonel, listen, I-I-I don't think Watch it, here they come.
( with German accent ): How dare you say a thing like that about our Führer?! I don't care if you are an officer, you are still a visitor in Deutschland! If you ever say a thing like that again, I will shoot you in person! And remember, I have warned you! Heil Hitler! Heil! Heil! Heil Hitler! Where does the Wehrmacht get men like that, huh? I'd hate to tell you.
Raus, raus, raus, raus.
This is becoming a bore.
I don't like it either.
Come on, let's go, let's go.
NEWKIRK: I'm going to miss this, Schultzy.
( men grumbling ) ( men shivering ) ( sighs ) I had to look all over the place, but I finally found it.
They're keeping the dynamite in the orderly room.
Good, we're in business.
You're in business; I'm in the German army.
When do we move out, Colonel? We've got to work at night.
What do we do about those bloody roll calls? That's a problem.
Well, I got a bigger problem.
A lot of the Krauts are being shipped out next week.
I could be next.
Shipped out? Where? They issued these.
Earmuffs? I don't think we're planning to attack Miami.
"We"? You know, the guys, the German army.
Andrew, you haven't gone Nazi, have you? Oh, knock it off, please.
Now, come on.
Hold it, hold it.
I just happened to think.
Hochstetter could be the answer to our problem about the roll calls.
Hochstetter? Yeah, if we get him out of here, Klink might ease up.
It's worth a try.
Come here, Carter.
I want you to get the dynamite and meet us here.
See where the road forks right by the turn? Tomorrow night, 11:00.
Okay, I'll try.
Hey, I got to get back.
Hey, what's the rush? Yeah, the Germans having a night roll call, too? No, they're showing a captured Betty Grable picture and I don't want to miss it.
You Nazis really know how to live.
( with German accent ): Hello.
Major Hochstetter? Ja, this is Oberführer Schlichter, Düsseldorf headquarters.
Ja, Heil Hitler.
Major, we have captured two underground people.
We believe they have some connection mit the assault on the Millheim bridge.
Ja, ja, that's correct.
We need your assistance, Major.
Do you think you can come here tomorrow? Ja.
Danke, Herr Major.
We will expect you.
Ja, Heil Hitler.
Good riddance! Ah, Hochstetter's not such a bad guy, sir.
There's one thing nice about his being here.
It feels so good when he leaves.
Ah, you're just prejudiced.
Hochstetter ordered night roll calls and you're stuck with them.
Hogan, I am still the commandant here.
Oh, I know that, but you've got to admit, there's a man who understands security.
Understands security? There has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13, even without night roll calls.
That's not important.
If Hochstetter insists on roll calls, what can you do? What can I do? The roll call will be canceled effective immediately.
Better think it over, Commandant.
Hogan, I do not need your advice.
You do as you're told.
Dismissed! ( vehicle rumbling ) Wait, hold it, hold it.
( rumbling approaching ) Tank coming, take cover.
Get in! Hey, guys! Carter! What's the idea? Well, I had to carry the dynamite in something.
Brilliant.
NEWKIRK: Oh, marvelous.
Why didn't you steal a convertible? All right, get in.
Hey, does this work? Yeah, and we're going to need it.
I couldn't find the detonator box.
All right, Millheim bridge, driver, and don't spare the horses.
Yes, sir.
( tank engine starts ) He went for it.
They're moving out.
Boy, you could sell used cars anytime you want to.
Nice way to talk to an officer.
Lieutenant, take over.
Jawohl, Herr Kapitän.
Heil Hitler.
All right, dismount and wait till they're gone.
( truck engine starts ) All right, fellas, let's go.
Come on.
Finished, sir.
CARTER: Charges all wired.
All we got to do is hit one and they all go off.
All right, perfect.
Let's get out of here.
Careful.
Let's go.
LeBEAU: Hey, wait for me! Coming.
( tank engine rumbling ) All right, try for the middle support-- it's the biggest target.
CARTER: Steady.
Got it.
All right, load it.
Ready? Ready.
All right, fire.
( gun fires ) ( explosion ) Low and outside for a ball.
Try it two degrees left, huh? Right.
Fire! ( gun fires ) ( explosion ) ( sighs ): You're getting warm.
Two more degrees to the left and raise the angle.
Ready? Fire.
( gun fires ) ( explosion ) ( men cheering ) Beautiful-- on target.
Nice shooting, Acting Corporal Hans Wagner.
You get all the credit.
Aw, thanks, Colonel.
But there's one thing I'm kind of sorry about.
What's that? I had to miss that Betty Grable picture tonight.
KINCH: Aw, that's too bad.
NEWKIRK: That's a shame.
LeBEAU: That's very sad-- oh.
Oh, marvelous.
Thank you for calling, Lieutenant.
Heil Hitler.
That was a friend of mine at headquarters.
The Millheim bridge was destroyed by saboteurs last night.
Hmm.
Whoever they are, they got guts.
Oh, they're gutsy! And my dear friend Major Hochstetter was in Düsseldorf on some unimportant business.
He was recalled to Berlin for discipline.
( chuckling ): Let's hope it was nothing trivial.
Let's hope so.
Who asked you? What do you want here, Schultz? Herr Kommandant, the men in Barracks Nine would like to have some more hot water.
What did you tell them? Oh, I gave them a definite "maybe.
" Of course.
( slaps hand on desk ) When will you learn to be tough with these men? Now, you go back there and give them a definite no.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Sickening.
Yeah, he's got a heart of pure margarine.
Yes, I know.
Hogan, do you remember that tough young corporal who told you off? Yeah.
What about him? I tried to locate him.
I thought maybe he would consider going into the Luftwaffe.
Any luck? You'll never believe this.
They told me that he deserted.
A man like that.
Hmm-- you just never know, do you? No, sometimes it's better that way.
Ja.