In Living Color (1990) s05e20 Episode Script

Hi.
I'm Dr.
Jack Kervorkian.
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.
but a lot of you know me simply as, "Dr.
Death.
" [Chuckles.]
As you know, I recently agreed to stop assisting patient suicides.
But now my years of experience can be yours in my new book.
.
.
Dr.
Kervorkian'sBook of Home Remedies.
You know, doctors have long known how to cure common ailments.
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.
with simple items found around the house.
Foot pain got you down, son? Then just soak that foot in a bathtub full of hot saltwater.
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with a cup of vinegar and a tablespoon of castor oil.
- Then just add a string of Christmas lights.
- [Screams.]
Sure, it's messy.
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.
but you won't hear him complaining.
Doctor, I'm so depressed.
- I've got a splinter in my finger.
- Well, then.
Try to find a good vein.
Then just use a ordinary hypodermic needle.
.
.
- with common household air.
- [Hissing.]
Inject a small bubble of air directly into the artery.
Uh, are you sure about this? [Gasps.]
[Body Thuds.]
Positive.
Works every time.
Dr.
Kervorkian'sBook of Home Remedies.
.
.
is full of thousands of these handy cures.
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.
for such ailments as burns, scrapes.
.
.
scabies.
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even headaches.
Just listen to one of my recent patients.
I suffer from terrible migraines.
Regular doctors couldn't do anything for me.
But then Dr.
Kervorkian's book suggested.
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.
many household items to alleviate my pain.
- First of.
.
.
- [Gunshot.]
I found this 12-gauge just lying around the bedroom closet.
That's probably the first good rest she's had in days.
And you'll rest in peace too, when you order.
.
.
Dr.
Kervorkian'sBook of Home Remedies.
[Announcer.]
To order, call 1-600-DR.
DEATH.
Please haveyour credit card ready.
We will not bill you later.
Call now.
- [Laughing.]
- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya.
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How would ya.
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How would ya f.
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How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat [Echoing.]
And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - [Turntable Scratching.]
- In living color [Laughing.]
Most people today still fail to realize the immense contributions.
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made by African-Americans to popular culture.
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.
and the unique forms of entertainment they invented.
On this day, July 15, 1900.
.
.
Crispus Lawrence was hostingthe annual Harlem Society Ball.
- Hello, Crispus? - Wassup? [Laughs.]
Would you please help me finish hanging the banner? - Anything for my lady.
- Well, thank you.
[Laughs.]
- You look very nice.
- Well, thank you.
So, how the party, you know? - How's it goin', you know? - It's a very nice gathering, Crispus.
- That's good.
That's good.
Yeah.
- [Laughs.]
- Oh, d-damn! Oh, damn! - Oh! [Crispus.]
[Beeps.]
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.
Damn.
! [Beeps.]
.
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.
Oh! Gina, oh.
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.
[Beeps.]
Motherfuck.
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.
[Bleeping Continues.]
Oh! This is hurtin' like a.
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.
[Beeps.]
.
.
.
man.
Oh! [Beeps.]
.
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thumb is swole up bigger than.
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.
[Beeps.]
Betsy Ross's.
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.
[Beeps.]
- [Bleeping Continues.]
Ain't this a bitch? - Bitch? Don't you call me bitch, you little.
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.
[Beeps.]
Peanut head! Your ears are so big, he can hear an ant.
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.
[Beeps.]
fart.
- [Laughs.]
- Ohh! - Oh! Oh! Oh! - [Grier.]
And at that moment.
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Crispus inventedthe first Def ComedyJam.
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and his companionbecame the Apollo lady.
! Wassup with your.
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.
[Beeps.]
hair, girl? Damn! [Beeps.]
Your hair is so fake.
It look like a.
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.
[Beeps.]
skunk crawled on your headand went to sleep.
Noo! [Indistinct.]
I'll bet there's some naked horses outside sayin' they got their tail missin'.
Ohhh! Ohh! [Beeps.]
Look at this.
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.
[Beeps.]
Oh! He's so dumb, he got a ticket to the.
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.
[Beeps.]
underground railroad.
And the first Def ComedyJam was born.
I'm David Alan Grier and this has been another great moment in black history.
[Announcer.]
In the darknessof the night, while America sleeps.
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they're out there roaming the streets.
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risking their lives, doing theirjob.
They're.
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.
Now this is a tough neighborhood.
They got Neighborhood Watch all up in there.
Neighbors looking out for each other.
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it's bad, man.
Yeah, that's right.
It is bad.
Most people.
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most guys in our profession, they would turn back now.
This would be a discouragement to 'em.
But not us.
Why? Because were trained criminal professionals.
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professional criminals.
We don't get scared off by signals that would scare off other people.
We're here.
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.
Danger is part of our business.
You understand what I'm sayin'? - It's part of our business.
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danger.
- Yeah.
Hey, man, we're thugs.
- Now check this out.
- [Thug #2.]
Yeah? What? [Thug #1.]
The newspapers.
[Thug #2.]
Yeah,I see newspapers.
So what? Big deal.
- There's three of'em.
!- Yeah, One, two, three.
What are they, slow readers? No, they're not slow readers, stupid.
They're not home.
That's what they is! Oh, paper.
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.
Three papers.
[Laughs.]
[Mutters, Laughs.]
See that? That's exactly what I'm talkin' about.
He sees three papers.
He goes boom.
He makes an analysis.
He makes a connection.
He makes a.
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.
His criminal mind goes to work in there.
That's beautiful.
- That's what I love about this guy, huh? - Hey, man.
- Is that a face on him, huh? Hi, Mom.
Hi, Mom.
- Don't do that no more! He's a little nervous.
Hejust got outof thejoint.
Write that papers thing down.
'Cause that is a good tip for our.
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.
you know, for our future.
- Wa-Wa-Wait.
Come here, come here, come here.
- What? Look at it.
Look at that sign.
See that? That's a very expensive security system.
It's "inpregnatable,"okay? You can't get past that.
I'm not robbin'no house where theyjustspent 10,000 bucks on a security system.
Man, that ain't shit, man.
They didn't spend no $10,000 on no security system.
- They spend $10 on a security system sign! - Sign.
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.
No, you get the sign with the system.
See, they give you a sign and a system.
If they had installed the system, they'd had got the sign.
They got the sign to scare us off, man.
Scare tactic.
- Oh, they just got the sign? They didn't get no system.
- No.
- [Loud Cackling.]
- Sh-Shhh! Sorry.
All right.
I'm sorry.
Hey, look, a bunny rabbit.
See that? - Hey.
- "What's up, Doc?" [Laughs.]
Come on! Huh? Look at that.
This is why we do what we do.
This is the kind of haul that makes everything worthwhile.
You get chased by dogs, you get chased by cops, but when you find something like this.
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you feel like you know why you started in this business.
You understand what I'm saying? Look at that.
Look at this watch.
Tell time in.
.
.
Tell time in 24 time zones.
Hey, Al.
Do you know what time it is in Nairobi? [Whispering.]
No.
Would you shut up and stop saying my name.
I didn't.
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.
Did I sayJackson? Did I say AIJackson? - [Man Shouting.]
Hey.
! Who's out there? - [Loot Rattling.]
What the hell's goin'on out there? I know you're out here.
- I've got a gun! - See, that makes me sick.
That's what's wrong with our society.
Too many guns in the hands of too many people.
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who have no business having them.
The only way we can meet this kind of violence is with a violent act of our own.
- Right, Al? - That's right.
Let's do it.
- Get him on three.
- [Together.]
One, two, three.
- All right, I surrender.
You got me.
- Hold it! - Hey! What are you doin'? - I'm not talking a bullet for a watch.
- Okay, Al? - What bullet? He doesn't even have a gun.
- He's got a.
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banana! - Well, I trusted him.
- He's a homeowner.
Wh-What can I tell ya.
- Would you come on? You know, can I have a couple of these candies? Will you get out of here? AIJackson! - Come on, man! Come on! - All right.
All right.
- [Cop Shouting.]
Freeze! Freeze! - [Loot Clattering.]
- Keep your hands where I can see 'em.
- On the floor! On the floor! [Reggae.]
This is what it's all about.
Catching a couple of thugs tryin' to make off with someone's belongings.
I can't believe it.
Professional criminalslike us, busted by the cops.
And not just any cops.
.
.
The show Cops.
! We thought youse guys was canceled.
Must have been Chevy Chase.
Hey-Hey-Hey, watch the leather, huh? - Hey, watch the leather.
I know my rights.
- Yeah, yeah.
Man, the great thing about this job is we'll be out in no time! Just in time for the next exciting episode of Thugs.
Hey, hey, hey! [Chattering.]
Hi! Hi.
Is this line for heterosexuals only? - Uhhh, no.
It's not.
- Good.
Because.
.
.
I'm gay! Uh, all right.
That's fine.
Yeah.
No.
.
.
[Pats Counter.]
Is this line all gay? - No, it isn't.
- What a shame.
If we were both gay, we could be going at it right here.
Uh, miss, can I get my food, please? [Pounds Counter.]
- Can I get my food? - Just two consenting adults with their groins on fire.
Nothing wrong with that.
No, sirree! What can I do for you, sir? Well, sexually, nothing.
You see, you're a woman, and I, being gay.
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.
am attracted only to men.
- Are you gonna order something? - Oh.
[Chuckles.]
I get it.
The fruitcake is holding up the line! - No, it's not that, sir.
I just have to get my.
.
.
- No biggie! You're just frightened of something you don't understand.
Now, let's see.
I think the combo meal would satisfy a homosexual's taste buds.
And I'm a homosexual, so I'll have that.
[Loudly Amplified.]
One combo meal for the homosexual man.
This is great.
Attention, please.
Attention! I am gay! Repeat.
I am very gay! Just go about your business normally.
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.
as heterosexuals.
Okay, sir.
That'll be $5.
67, please.
Wow.
It's a good thing gay men work.
- Thank you on behalf of all homosexuals.
- Your welcome.
Do you mind if I sit here? I'm gay, you know.
Yeah, sure.
Whatever, man.
You're probably wondering what it's like to be gay.
- Nah.
- Well, I'll tell you.
It's not so bad.
The hours are good.
[Hysterical Laughing.]
That's a gay man's joke.
But, seriously, it's fan-double-tastic being gay.
Would you like to hear me sing? I love show tunes.
You know why? - Oh, let me guess.
You're gay? - That's right.
I'm as gay as gay can be.
I'm a limp-wrested fruitcake.
I'm a stubbie rubber.
Look at me, I'm flaming.
Let's do the homosexual blindfold test.
[Not Audible.]
All right.
- [Gasps.]
- [Gasps.]
- Yeoww.
- I prefer this one.
- Hey, pal! - [Groans.]
That was the vibrating palm.
[Loudly Amplified.]
There's a gay man down by table two.
A gay man down near table two.
I know mouth-to-mouth.
Hey! [Woman Moaning.]
Wait a second.
That's odd.
My manhood is completely engorged! Perhaps I should rethink this whole homosexual thing.
By the way, what's your name? [Deep Voice.]
Bert, and I'm really a man.
No wonder! You see, I'm gay.
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.
and gay men have terrific intuition.
Hey, let's go have a drink.
I know a bar called the Pile Driver you might be interested in.
Shall we go? Excuse me, everyone, gay people coming through! [Hip-Hop.]
[Man Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Fades, Ends.]
Good evening, pupils.
Welcome to the Hollywood School of Self-Defense.
Now stand to greet your sensei, Sweet Tooth Jones.
- Right on.
- [Tape Player Clicks On.]
[Funk.]
[Rapping.]
[Ends.]
That's outta sight! Students, today you all have.
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the martial arts prowess.
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.
- of a Jimmie "Dyn-o-mite".
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"Kid Dyn-o-mite" Walker.
- Whoo! But by the time I'm finished with y'all.
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y'all gonna be as bad as Jim Brown.
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in Three The Hard Way.
That's right.
Three The Hard Way, with Jim Kelly.
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- Fred Williamson.
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- Excuse me, uh-uh.
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.
Excuse me.
Are you qualified to teach me self-defense? Because I'm pretty tired of, uh, you know, being pushed around.
Hold up, Big Slim! - Give the brother a chance to drop science.
- Right on.
It's all right, Queen Bee.
Step off, Big Ray.
The ass-whippin' stop here.
Now, groove on my ancient techniques.
The game is tough! The stakes are your life.
Check it out.
Step to me baby.
[Yells, Makes Punching Sounds.]
Try it again.
[Punching Sounds.]
[Yells.]
You see what I'm sayin'? Keep your eye on the sparrow! - How'd you like that? - Well, uh, it was nice.
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.
but you didn't really touch her.
I didn't have to.
[Yells.]
I'm that bad.
Now, scenario numero uno Let's go! Come on! Now, let's just suppose you're relaxing in the crib.
All right, you in the hot tub.
You're in there with your foxy lady.
That's right.
You're sippin' on some Boone's Farm Apple Wine.
You chillin'.
You listenin' to Isaac Hayes on the hi-fi.
- Aw, shucks! - Hot-buttered soul.
Say what? All the sudden the fuzz shows up! Uh, excuse me.
What exactly is the "fuzz"? - Now I'll bust ya! - [Squealing Yells.]
You need to dig yourself man! - Pigs, Charley, the police! - Oh, oh! It's all right, Queen Bee.
It's all right.
You got to unleash a flurry of martial arts techniques.
Assume the position, Queen Bee.
You grab.
[Yells, Simulates Punch Sounds.]
[Snarls.]
[Yells, Simulates Punches.]
Oh, don't try to block it now! You know what? That looks like the same stuff you showed us about five minutes ago.
Hey, you got any questions, red? Yeah, Huey Newton! Yeah, I do! What does some "B" movie have to do with self-defense? We're paying good money to learn legitimate martial arts moves here.
- Hey.
- Dig yourself, honky! - Yeah, honky.
- Hold on.
We don't know that yet.
She might just be a DeBarge.
What you need to do is not get uptight! I am a fight choreographer! All right? - That don't mean I can't really throw down.
- You know what? I'm gonna go buy some pepper spray.
Hey, you ain't goin' nowhere, sister.
[Grunting.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, man! Where you think you're going, big man? [Yells.]
- Hey! - [Shrieks.]
Yeah.
Man, get off me and start the music.
[Funk.]
- Hey, you hungry, man? - [Both.]
Yeah.
Come on.
Let's go get somethin' to eat, man.
Good foot! Bringing it home this week Fox recording artist Simple E.
.
.
doin' "Play My Funk.
" - All right! - [Jazzy Bass.]
[Singing.]
[Rapping.]
[Harmonized Chorus.]
[Fades, Ends.]