New Girl s05e20 Episode Script

1 - Here we go.
- Peter.
That's Sam's favorite male nurse.
He's gotten him two years in a row for secret Santa, and last year, he got him $500, and this year, he got him crayons.
All over the map, that Peter.
So, when you get to Sam's birthday party, is the goal to impress his friends with how much you know about them or to terrify them? I just want them to like me.
Finally, I feel like I'm in an adult relationship.
He's a grown-up.
Hey, Jess, heads up, I borrowed your towel.
Use your own towel if you're gonna shower.
No, I didn't shower, I just sponged off.
Ew.
Ugh! That's even worse.
You didn't even get clean before you used the towel.
It's called a French whore's bath.
You wouldn't make a dime as a French whore.
You would make zero dollars.
I'd make millions, millions.
Bonjour.
Croissant.
Millions.
- Definitely not.
- No.
That's disrespectful.
Here.
[Jess and Cece scream.]
Happy Bird Day, Dr.
Sam.
Wow, you didn't have to do that.
Did you say, "Bird Day"? You heard me.
Well, you know, I figured Jess likes you, so I like you, too, man.
Welcome to the family.
H-Hey, look at that.
It's a shirt with a whole lot of birds on it.
That's a bird shirt.
Bird shirt.
What? Why? What-what's the? Ah, you know why.
Cool shirt, dude.
[chuckles.]
We're bird bros now.
And check it out, you can wear it to the party.
You know, nothing says, "This dude is dope," like a motherflippin' finch, am I right? [laughs.]
SCHMIDT: Sam, I'm so sorry I won't be able to attend your party.
I have wedding stuff.
"Stuff"? Define "stuff.
" Things.
Thank you.
I'm so excited to meet your friends, including Dr.
Garfinkel [laughs.]
Sam, I love the way you laugh.
You never open your mouth.
You're always like [mimics Sam's laugh.]
I don't sound like that.
[laughs.]
No, you do.
You just did it.
[phone chimes.]
Hey, you got to add a flash card.
My friend Diane's coming.
She's in town for a podiatry conference.
She's a friend from med school.
Oh, I've never heard you mention her.
You guys close? - Diane! - Hi.
[both laugh.]
They look close.
- Hi! - It's so good to see you.
So good to see you.
Way too close.
[both laughing.]
Hey, Schmidt, how many robots are too many robots? Hi, Nick.
Gavin.
What are you doing here? I thought you'd be at Sam's party.
What's he doing here? Well, after the incident where my dad kissed [heaving.]
If you're gonna barf, just barf.
It's not healthy to hold it in.
Where my dad kissed Jess, there was an accidental pocket dial that actually went pretty well.
He suggested some wine tasting for the wedding, and I said, "Why not?" You're just gonna drink alone with your dad? Join us, Nick, the Pinot from my vineyard is dynamite this year.
It's gonna taste fantastic at my son's wedding in a factory.
Gavin, it's actually a slaughterhouse, and you would know that if you were around more.
[pounds table.]
Can I see you in my room for a second, please? Look, I know you don't trust my dad, but I'm happy that he's here.
We're working through stuff.
Wait, Schmidt, I want you to have a relationship with your father.
I really do, but I've been down this road so many times.
He just shows up out of the boo, and then all of a sudden expects It's "blue," it's "blue.
" Well, thanks, Eye-stein.
He shows you a great time, you get sucked in, then he disappears and breaks your heart, and I'm left to pick up the pieces.
My dad's taking me to Miss Saigon tonight! And I'm not gonna get hurt.
My dad never showed up.
He didn't? It hurts so bad! You want a milkshake, cowboy? It's different now.
I've heard that before.
We're seeing Jersey Boys! Wait, this is your dad we're talking about! And he's different now, Nick.
[crying.]
: He's the same! I didn't have ice cream, so I just really shook up some milk.
I'm older and I'm wiser, and I'm not gonna get sucked in.
We're gonna taste some wine, and then I'm gonna send him on his way.
But, Nick, I'm plead I'm asking you just be nice to him.
All right, man.
I will.
If it means that much to you, of course, I'll do it.
Thank you.
But if it goes poorly, I'm not putting Humpty Dumpty back together again.
Am I Humpty Dumpty? Yeah.
I'm just not - doing it again.
- You won't have to.
Also, nowhere in that rhyme does it say he's an egg.
He's most definitely an egg, Nick.
So, what kind of king uses all those resources to put together one egg? It's a parable.
Humpty Dumpty is the king.
Who told you that? [laughing.]
I've never seen him laugh like that.
[both laughing.]
What do I do? Think of it this way: you're a dog, he's a fire hydrant, you pee on him, girl.
- Yeah.
- There you go.
I'm gonna go lift a leg on him.
There you go! - Hey.
- Oh, hey.
So, Sam said he spilled on the bird shirt and he had to take it off.
He's putting on a brave face, but, poor thing, I know he is just crushed.
- Babe.
- What, babe? He doesn't like the shirt.
- No, babe.
- Yeah, babe.
- No, babe.
- Yeah, babe.
No babe.
Yeah babe.
- No, babe.
- Yeah, babe.
No babe.
Yeah babe.
No.
Yeah.
Babe.
Sam, do you remember in med school when we got drunk and sewed fins on that dead guy? [both laugh.]
We made a merman! [laughs.]
Hey, Sam, remember the other night when you ate all that bad crab and, uh, you said, "Not tonight," and I said, "Yeah, tonight," and then you said, "No, not tonight," and then the next night, when you were feeling better, remember what we did? We we had sex? Had sex! [Jess laughs.]
The kind where you need a snack after.
Hey-o! [clears throat.]
Whoa.
So, Jess, you're from Portland.
Do you, do you miss it? [coughing.]
Do you miss Portland? I mean, I feel like you never really [Jess coughing.]
- You are you okay? - Oh, my God, are you choking? Is that what this is? Oh, my God, stand up! Stand up, stand up! Get up, come here.
Oh! [coughs.]
Here, sit down.
[coughing.]
Thank you, Diane.
You saved me.
Any time.
[sighs.]
Um, hey, Diane, um, would you like to go to the ladies' room and freshen up? Yes, Jess, I would love to.
I am so sorry.
I'm really I'm-I'm embarrassed.
- Please, for what? - No, I am.
For marking your territory? Look, I get it.
But I was acting childish and dumb and jealous, and-and I I see why Sam likes you.
Well, I see why he likes you, too.
Will you forgive me? I have guy friends, and I don't know why I would just assume that you're wildly in love with him.
Oh, no, I am.
[laughs.]
No, really, I am.
[laughs.]
Seriously, I am.
[laughs.]
Jess, I'm-I'm in love with Sam.
[whispers.]
: Oh, balls.
Now this varietal gained prominence in the '30s as an Italian driving wine.
Now they call it a picnic wine, but we know what they're up to.
But as they say, "Wine is fine, but bourbon is schwervin'.
" I think I got a buzz.
Yeah, me too.
Hang on.
Uh, you're gonna like this.
How much hooch do you have stored in this place, you mountain person? Prohibition happened once.
NICK and GAVIN: It can happen again.
Yeah.
It was pretty easy to see where you were going with that.
Look at the two of you.
Bonding over the thing that numbs you.
[Nick and Gavin laugh.]
Smell this.
Smell this.
Oh! Let me get a whiff.
Let me get a whiff.
Oh! Hurts so good.
Sam.
Guess who the luckiest boy in the world is? It's you.
It's an extra bird shirt, huh? I keep an extra one in my car, just in case I get interviewed on television.
Oh.
Thank you.
Put on the bird shirt, Sam.
I will.
When? When I don't have to take my other shirt off in a bar full of people.
- Ten years?! - Yeah.
You didn't tell him for ten years? I did.
Well, I tried to.
Um, our second year of med school, he went to work with Doctors Without Borders.
Well, so I didn't, I didn't know when I was gonna see him again, and, um, one night, I-I just sat down and wrote him a letter.
- [gasps.]
- And everything came out, you know, everything that I was feeling, everything that I had been holding back.
Yeah.
I love letters.
I know, me too.
We have so much in common.
Arguably too much.
- Mm.
- But keep going.
Well Sam never responded.
[scoffs.]
I just figured he didn't want to embarrass me, you know? I mean, I-it's hard when you're friends with a guy first.
So he came home, and we just kept on like normal, and it was really painful, but I-I couldn't lose him as a friend.
Of course you couldn't.
Then last week, this came in the mail.
[gasps.]
"Return to sender.
" He never got it.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
He never knew how you felt.
No, and I-I came here tonight to give him this letter and then What happened? I met you.
Oh, right.
- Me.
- Mm.
Here.
I can't throw it away, but I can't give it to him.
Don't worry, Jess, you you didn't do anything wrong.
I'm not the one for Sam.
You are.
I'm gonna be really honest.
Um, I'm having a-a very hard time rooting for myself right now.
That was the most romantic story I've ever heard.
And I don't want to get between them.
Or do I? I love Sam, and I don't want to throw it all away because she couldn't figure out how to buy a Forever stamp.
Just because you give Sam this letter, it does not mean that he's automatically gonna choose Diane.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
[scoffs.]
Damn it.
Look at them.
Moon river Wider than a mile I'm crossing you in style This song isn't even on our jukebox.
You know what, that's it.
I'm-I'm not losing Sam because I'm some dumb romantic.
Cece, get rid of this letter.
Lett'r done.
Good-bye, Diane.
Go back to fixing feet, you sweet saint of a woman.
You must be so proud of me.
I'm finally being practical and realistic, and not some moony-eyed freak who's seen too many romantic comedies.
I'm basically being you.
Not anymore, pal.
Schmidt's made me weak in my stupid knees.
I don't know.
This past year with Schmidt's changed me.
It's made me believe in love stories.
Is that why you were crying during the bank commercial where the two old people were texting each other? - Jessica - I know.
They now have the money that they need No, I know to be buried together.
[laughs.]
We both know that you're not gonna be able to live with yourself if you don't give this letter to Sam.
Yeah.
What if I lose him? Well, then you'll at least know, babe.
It's not your love story.
Oh.
I have something to tell you.
The old man in the bank commercial, um, played a Nazi in Schindler's List.
Does that change anything? SCHMIDT: I made a model of our wedding venue.
NICK: Wow.
Your wine is so good, I really want to showcase it and-and put the bar here.
It's where they store the drums of wild chemicals, but I'm pretty sure they're empty now.
Yeah, it's empty except for the big puddle that never dries.
GAVIN: Oh, it'll be fine.
With your mother there, that puddle will get drunk.
How about we grab some dinner? [chuckles.]
Together? You Yeah, no, I'd like that very much.
I'm gonna run home.
Obviously, I can't wear these shoes to dinner.
Ha, can you imagine? I'll see you.
I'm going to dinner with my dad.
[door closes.]
This is so great, man.
Yeah, it's great.
You guys are finally getting along.
You were like, "We've been down this road.
" It's great.
I just want to check in.
Y-You said you weren't gonna get sucked in, and it seems like you're getting sucked in.
Sucked in? I'm not getting sucked in.
If anybody's getting sucked, it's just me sucking myself in.
- No, I know how that sounded.
- Yeah.
- But you, I mean you - You good? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
[door closes.]
Hey, uh, Gavin, hold up.
Um I feel like I can say this to you because, well, you know, we shared a cup.
You really live by a specific code.
Look, we both know how this is gonna go down, Gavin.
You're gonna get Schmidt's expectations up, and then you're gonna bail.
I know.
Just be better.
Be his dad.
Just be there for him, even when it's not fun, and sometimes it's really not fun.
I know.
I've been doing it for 15 years.
- Thank you.
- Don't thank me.
Just promise me if you show up for dinner tonight, you'll show up tomorrow and the day after and the week after, and basically forever.
I will be there.
Will you, Gavin? Will you? Will you, Gavin? I will.
Will you? Will you, Gavin? You're really dragging this out.
No, I've already gone through everything I had rehearsed.
I really thought the elevator would be here by now.
We could talk about other stuff.
Can we, Gavin? Can we? Yeah.
[elevator bell dings.]
Can we, Gavin? Oh, thank God.
I'm getting my birthday present at an airport hotel? Oh, my God, are you taking me on a trip to meet my birth mother? Oh.
No, wait.
[laughs.]
Um, no.
Uh, it's, uh I have a surprise for you, but it's not exactly a present.
Um, just wait here.
Okay.
Look, I want you to know that no matter what happens, no-no matter how this turns out and by "this," you'll-you'll see what I'm talking about I want you to be happy.
And I want you to be happy.
But what did you want me to be before this moment? Don't let me get a ticket, okay? Jess? Tell Sam.
He-he deserves to know how you feel.
Wow, you are either really cool or really cocky.
You are either really cool or really cocky.
Thank you.
[knocking.]
I should've been more clear.
He's downstairs.
I just want to let you know, my shift is up, so Jason will be getting bummed out by you for the rest of the night.
Somebody order a milkshake, cowboy? Well, Nick, you were right.
I got sucked in.
He was a car wash vacuum, and I was just a stray pistachio.
Listen, Schmidt, it's my fault.
I got real with him and he split.
It's not your fault.
You didn't do anything wrong.
And, Nick? Yeah? Thank you.
Thanks for what? For being there.
What are you doing right now? [groans loudly.]
- Yeah, man.
- I like red meat.
Yeah, yeah, no, beef.
- Sexy ladies.
- Boobs.
- Moobs.
- B-Boobs.
- Big boobs.
- Yeah.
Let's get out of here.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, don't, don't, don't! Wait! Wait, guys, wait.
I know I should have been here an hour ago, but I was at the warehouse getting your security deposit back.
Why would you Let me finish, trust me.
That slumlord wouldn't give it to me unless I cleaned the place, and once I started I don't know if you know, but I'm a little OCD.
- Me, too.
- Yeah, it runs in the family.
Your grandfather had to touch every lamppost he passed.
He couldn't hold a job.
Until he got a job as a lamppost repair man.
Why wouldn't you just call? Oh, I got kicked in the back of the head by some kids who were using that dump as a place to practice their urban dancing.
They-they were honestly pretty good, until they beat me and took my phone.
And my wallet and my watch.
I had to run over here well, actually it was it was more of a a walk-jog.
I threw up once.
I'm not very good at doing the right thing when it comes to you.
But I wanted to start tonight.
You are not getting married at that slaughterhouse.
Okay, well, then where am I getting married? At my vineyard.
If you want.
It'll be beautiful.
I talked to Cece.
She said it's up to you.
I just want you to know, either way, I'm all in from here on out.
We're getting married at a vineyard.
Yes! Yes.
Getting married at a vineyard.
GAVIN: Yes.
Yes, yes.
So, you just left him there to talk? Yep, I abandoned my own car, and now, for all I know, Sam and Diane are tearing apart a business-friendly hotel room together.
Well, I'm really proud of you.
I know that it was hard, but it's the only way you're gonna find out what you need to know.
Thanks.
This might sound like a cry for help, but I promise you it's not.
Um, I'm gonna go to my room and I'm gonna watch videos of dogs waiting for their dead owners to come back.
Mm-hmm.
Cece, you want to know what I think? Mm, not really.
I think there are people who get bird shirts, and there are people who don't.
Jessica Day needs to be with a bird shirt person.
Am I a bird shirt person? Oh, Cece, why do you always have to make things about you? [knocking at door.]
Sam, hello.
[kisses.]
I forgive you.
Okay.
Okay.
Is Jess here? She is.
[dog whining over laptop.]
Hey.
- Hey.
[chuckles.]
- Hey.
I'm just, uh Yeah, I'm really nervous, so I'm just gonna ask you an innocuous question.
Um did you bring my car back? Yes, I have got your keys right here.
Thanks.
Look, what you did for me today was the most selfless thing anyone has ever done for me.
Whatever if there was ever a time for me and Diane, it's passed.
And when I read the letter, it just reminded me how much that's true.
[chuckles.]
Now that I know you like letters, watch out.
I have to say, that was the strangest birthday surprise I have ever been given.
Well, Winston took my bird shirt idea, so [laughs.]
You know what, one of these days, I'm gonna get you to laugh with your mouth open.
I know you will.
That's what she said.
No, that's not gonna do it.
That's what she said.
You just said the same thing.
[Italian accent.]
: Now that's what she said.
That's What accent is that? - It's Italian.
- Oh, really? - That's what she said! - Nope, that didn't - do it, either.
- That's what she said.
Now you're just changing the stress.
That's what she said? - Maybe you should stop.
- [laughs.]
- JESS: That's what she said.
Ooh.
- SAM: Ooh.
That was closer.