NewsRadio (1995) s05e20 Episode Script
Freaky Friday
We don't need a science reporter.
I'm offering my services for free.
Yes.
That's just so you can beam your messages out to space.
That's a lucky guess.
Max, that's my sandwich.
Really? Hm, I don't see your name on it.
Well, I still don't see your name on the actual sandwich.
Well, that's my milkshake.
Don't say you don't see my name, it's written over.
Well, I thought you abandoned it.
I put it in the fridge Yeah.
Well, if you left me in the fridge for 45 minutes, I'd feel abandoned.
Max, that refrigerator is not your private hunting ground.
I know.
I prefer to think of it as a public game preserve where every man is free to take his best shot.
You've been stealing lunches for months.
I have a glandular disorder.
Show some mercy.
Max, I think we've shown you a little bit too much mercy, all right? So as of this moment, your break room privileges are suspended.
What? Until you learn to respect people's property you're banned from the break room.
No.
No.
No! [.]
And so I told him, "You're not gonna pay that much, "you're not gonna pay that much.
"Well, you are gonna pay that much and you are gonna like it.
" You know what happened then? He paid that much and he liked it? No, no, no.
No, he paid that much and I liked it.
I was the one that liked it.
Ah, that's a great story, sir.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Damn, I'm rich, ain't I? Yeah.
David? Yes, Matthew? Oh, I'm sorry.
Should I come back? No, no, it's fine.
Oh, okay.
Uh, permission to leave the office to spend the day at the zoo? Oh, gee.
Uhno.
Darn.
You don't understand.
This is like a medical emergency, okay? I am so a little stressed out.
Oh, Matthew, come on, we're all stressed out.
All of us.
We are.
Believe me, we are.
You don't go to the zoo.
That's what weekends are for.
Mr.
James, no offense, you wouldn't understand.
Why not? To be frank, you spend your day in billionaire-land.
Getting steam baths and sitting on your ass, letting your ego be massaged by yes men.
Matthew.
And I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Just hold on for a second.
You honestly think that's all I do all day long? Well, let me think.
Steam baths, ego, ass.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Matthew.
Son, I mean, no offense, but my job is so much more stressful than you could even imagine.
If your job is so stressful, how come I never see you in here asking to go to the zoo? All right.
Okay.
You know what? All right, let's switch.
What? You and me.
Let's switch jobs for a day.
Sir, that's a horrible idea.
No, it is not.
I want you to run my empire for a day.
And I will do whatever the hell it is you do.
What do you do around here? Um Reporter.
Reporter.
Reporter.
Okay.
Fine.
I'll be a reporter then.
This is great, wow.
Are you serious? Yeah.
And this is like that movie Freaky Friday.
Except you're the mom.
I'm the mom.
And you're Jodie Foster.
Finally.
Okay.
Bill for Dave, bill for Dave.
Fan letter for Max.
Where is Max? I'll take it.
All right.
Oh, my God.
A letter addressed to Chi Chi Rodriguez.
What? It's from the Record and Tape Club.
"Dear Ms.
Rodriguez.
"Your club membership is in serious arrears.
A club representative will be visiting you shortly.
" Oh, my God! It sounds like somebody at the club went insane.
There's tons of them here.
Mrs.
Piccadilly Peanut.
Lena Maxina Von Pasadena.
Oh, my God.
Ernestine Q.
Picklefeather.
Lord and Lady Horsehide.
Rusty Bedsprings.
That was a good one.
A good one what? Lisa, these are aliases I used to join the Record and Tape Club.
To get the 19 CDs for a penny.
Oh, without having to buy eight more at the regular low Record Club price.
Plus shipping and handling.
Yeah.
It's an intriguing little scam.
Yes.
But now they have tracked me down.
All of me.
Well, so what? Just send them a couple of hundred bucks in late fees.
Lisa, over the past five years, I've spent $3 in pennies.
Beth, that's over 5700-- Mm, don't need a math lecture right now.
Well, you're like the Imelda Marcos of CDs.
No.
I am Imelda Marcos.
Can I get a soda? Soda please? Psych.
[GARGLING.]
Thanks.
[SNIFFS.]
No.
What's a soda without chips? Max.
Have you forgotten the break room is off limits? I know.
I was just going in to turn the faucet off.
And where did you get that? A friend gave it to me.
A friend whose identity I shall never divulge.
Well, it's break room property.
So now it's mine.
But it was Beth.
She's the criminal.
Go to work.
Oh, thanks, Dave.
Being a reporter's thirsty work.
Uh-huh.
Now, sir, are you sure this is wise? Oh, sure.
Of course I'm sure it is wise.
Here, look.
I got your first scoop right here.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Well, how do you know these companies are merging? Uh, I told them to.
Sir, as a reporter, you're supposed to find stories, not make them.
Well, you don't like that one, how about this? Uh, let's see.
Would it be a good story if there was a big explosion in a gas plant in Omaha and a couple of people were buried underground for days? Would that be a good story? No.
Oh.
Then I gotta make a call.
All right.
MATTHEW: Let me tell you something, J.
P.
You are going to pay that much and you are going to like it, okay? Hello? If that's okay with you.
[INTERCOM BUZZES.]
WOMAN [ON INTERCOM.]
: Mr.
Garelli is here to see you.
Hold on, J.
P.
Send him right in! Right this way.
Thanks.
Oh.
Okay, good.
Thank you, Laura.
Linda.
Right, right.
Hey, do you want anything? No, I'm fine.
Anything you want, she can get in like five seconds.
All right.
Coffee, please.
Yeah.
I'll take a virgin banana daiquiri.
Easy on the virgin.
Nice setup you got here, freak.
Yeah.
Well, we like it.
And confidentially, having Mr.
James's job is not as fun as I thought.
That's why I called you in.
I'm having computer problems.
What kind? I can't turn it on.
What? Shh! I don't want Laura to know.
Linda.
Whatever.
Here we go, gentlemen.
MATTHEW: Oh, okay.
JOE: Thanks.
Excellent, honeybunch.
That'll be all.
Wow.
She's quick with the drinks, huh? Mm-hm.
Mm.
She is a wonder.
About the computer.
Can you fix it? I can turn it on.
Good.
That's what I-- You know, I want.
Because Mr.
James has a lot of fun toys here.
But life can be pretty dull without a computer.
Dude, what are you doing? What? What? That's a loaded spear gun! I know.
I'm not a complete idiot.
Oh, my God.
Maybe I am a complete idiot.
What are you working on, Mr.
James? Huh? Oh, I'm just-- I'm one of the gang now.
You can call me Jimbo.
Okay.
What are you working on-- Come on.
--Jimbo? Okay.
Just a news story.
Just working on a little news story.
That looks suspiciously like a stock quote board to me, sir.
Yeah.
Gonna do a little, ahem, day trading on-line in Matthew's name.
I didn't know Matthew had an account.
Yeah, yeah.
A little one.
His mom started it up for him.
I broke in though.
Guess what his secret password is.
Matthew? No.
Brock? No.
Cat? Welcome to the club, fellow hacker.
Happy Birthday, Lisa.
Oh, is it your birthday? Happy birthday.
Thank you.
But my birthday's not for six months.
Oh, I know that.
I know.
But I just happened to be in the store and I saw this.
And I just thought it was so you.
So enjoy, okay? Beth.
I am not gonna launder these CDs for you.
You make it sound so shady.
Stash them and keep your mouth shut until the heat dies down.
Why don't you just give them back? Because if I give them back, what am I gonna use as coasters? Coasters? Yes.
And plates and earrings.
Lisa, I have literally thousands of CDs.
Oh, my God.
That dress you wore to the Christmas party last year.
Made entirely of recycled copies of Steve Miller Band's Greatest Hits.
You're going to prison.
Oh.
Oh.
Might I remind you that your husband is in prison.
Yes, I know.
But at least what he stole wasn't worthless.
Are you calling my life's work worthless? The spear's okay.
But you totally ruined Mr.
James' autographed picture of George "Goober" Lindsey.
That's okay.
I heard he and Goober had a big fight.
Now about the computer.
There you go.
That's it? That's it.
Well, that must be like the one button I didn't mash.
I'd love to hang out with you, but I got some stuff to do so-- Oh, yeah, me too.
Because, you know, running a global multi-billion dollar company is not all fun and games.
Right.
Go on.
Scoot, scoot, scoot.
Oh Okay.
Solitaire, solitaire COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Would you like to play a game? "Global Thermonuclear War.
" [.]
Hey, Mr.
James.
Still online trading for Matthew? Yeah, yeah.
How's that going? Oh, I'm just diversifying his portfolio a little bit.
He's not a bad investor, just a little too heavy into high-risk commodities.
What sort of high-risk commodities? Uh, catnip mostly.
Ah.
Cat toys.
Vacation spas for cats.
That sort of thing.
Well, then.
Well, lookie there.
How's it going there, Mr.
President? Mr.
CEO? Not so good.
Ah, the job's a lot tougher than you thought, huh? Yeah, it is.
Okay.
This is gonna make you feel good because I have made you-- Look at this.
--almost $200 trading online in your name.
Oh, that's funny.
Because I was just online trading in your name.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, see, you couldn't do that, son.
You couldn't access my accounts.
You don't know my secret password.
You mean, "Mary Ann"? How'd you know that? Well, it's Dave's mom's name, so I figured Sir.
No, wait.
Wait a-- Wait a second now.
Matthew, son.
Yes, sir.
How much did you lose? [SOBBING.]
All of it.
How-- How much? Seven billion dollars.
But you're welcome to borrow that 200 if you like.
[.]
I'm ruined.
I'm totally wiped out.
Seven billion dollars, gone.
If there's ever any-- Any way I can pay you back, you know-- Jimmy-- Jimmy mad.
What? I'm sorry.
Jimmy very mad! Jimmy mad! Jimmy mad! [GRUNTING.]
Jimmy mad! Joe, I could use some-- I need some help here.
What's up? I'm trying to lock Mr.
James in.
Oh, cool.
What were you thinking? I don't know.
I don't know.
I was playing solitaire and then I got bored and I started online trading.
And long story short, it got out of control.
I don't know.
You lost 7 billion dollars.
I know.
It's bad.
You ruined Mr.
James.
I said, I know it's bad.
This is worse than knocking over the water cooler.
Oh, my God.
Do you think he's gonna fire me? [CRASHING.]
[GRUNTING.]
You! Aaagh! [YELLING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[YELLING.]
[.]
Good morning, Lisa.
You still looking to unload those CDs, Beth? I don't know, with Mr.
James broke, I'd probably be better off in jail.
No.
The last he needs to worry is you getting busted by the record police.
Come on.
Oh, quickly.
All right.
What's the deal? She needs to dump an assload of CDs.
I got a bunch of CDs.
Not interested.
No, no.
We are talking about every Sarah McLachlan, every Carly Simon, every Judy Collins album ever made.
Plus some rare, rare, very early Edie Brickell.
What's the catch? You have to take 5700 other CDs.
Who? Well, we got everything.
Monica, Brandy, Hanson.
Yea! I mean, boo.
I want more.
What else do you want? I want my break room privileges back.
I am Dave's assistant.
I do have some influence.
She'll work on it.
It might not happen overnight, but she'll do what she can.
And I want samples.
What do you mean, samples? No, no.
No.
She's not stealing food for you, Max.
Deal breaker.
I could totally do that.
Do we have a deal? Yes, we have a deal.
I prefer to close deals like this with a kiss.
I choose prison.
Lisa? Psych.
[.]
Hey, sir.
How are you doing? Oh.
Hey, Dave.
I'm just packing up a few personal items.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
I'm-- I'm really sorry about all this.
Thanks, Dave.
I appreciate it.
I-- Oh, look.
Goober got a hole.
So, uh, what are your plans, sir? Are you-- Oh, I was-- I was, you know, looking at this as a new start maybe.
You know what I mean? I think that's a healthy attitude.
I'm thinking of going back to Florida and go back into the family business.
Oh, what's that? Sharecropping.
Sir.
Come on, sir.
You're Sir.
Sir, you're much more than a sharecropper.
Sure, yeah.
I used to be.
I used to be $7 billion more than a sharecropper.
But now, without my money, I'm just another unemployed Jeff Foxworthy fan.
You know what I was thinking? I was-- I was thinking of maybe starting a new business, you know? Something I'm interested in.
Of course, you could.
Put my nose to the grindstone and build it from the ground up.
Yeah.
Get enough money to buy myself a new spear gun and hunt down Matthew.
Now, sir, you don't want to kill Matthew.
Oh, sure I do.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, yes, yes.
We all want to kill Matthew, but what good would it do? It would-- It would make him dead.
[.]
Yeah, that one.
Yeah.
That and that.
Yeah.
Perfect.
What are you doing? Nothing.
I didn't know exactly which cookies you wanted, so I grabbed them all.
Is that okay? Brilliant.
That's-- You-- Excuse me.
You just gave him my lunch.
Yeah, I don't even know that guy.
I just walked through those doors right here and he wrestled me right into this pantry.
Okay.
That's fine.
I'm sorry.
And you, who are you? My name is Randy Starks.
Hi.
I'm with the, uh, Record and Tape Club.
I'm looking for a Chi-Chi Rodriguez.
Chi Chi? Chi Chi.
Oh, yes.
Chi Chi.
Yes, gone.
Gone quick.
No forwarding address.
Really sorry.
Are you sure? 'Cause I-- Yes.
Can you help me stash these? I think I saw someone following me.
Chi Chi Rodriguez, I presume? I also assume I'm meeting "Aunt Jemima," "Wolfman Jack", "Tokyo Rose" "Your Momma.
" That's one of my favorites.
You know, Beth, you don't have to say anything.
No, no.
No, it's okay.
It's all right.
You know what? It's okay.
I mean, really.
Who's guilty here, huh? The user or the pusher? Oh, I see.
I see.
I'm the villain, right? "Dr.
Doom"? Oh, all right.
I-I give up.
Just, you know, arrest me.
I couldn't help myself.
No, no.
I would like to prosecute you.
But to tell you the truth, the cost of your litigation would be so much more than we could ever hope to recover.
So I'm offering you this check for $1000 on two-- Two conditions.
One, leave us alone.
And two, don't tell anybody else how you scammed us.
We cannot afford that.
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
Oh, I have to make that check out.
Oh.
Okay, great.
Who would I make that out to? Uh, Beth.
Okay, Beth.
Beth what? I don't have a last name.
Just make it out to cash.
Okay, cash.
There you go.
And do not send us any more of those pennies.
Now I can afford to buy a CD player.
Whoo.
Hey, there, Lisa.
Ah.
Mr.
James, you're back.
Yeah.
Not only am I-- Am I back, I'm back in business.
Meaning? Meaning I'm back in business.
I'm working my way back to financial prominence.
Hey.
Congratulations, Mr.
James.
I knew you had another comeback in you.
Yeah, thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Actually, I just came back to forgive Matthew.
Really? Mm-hm.
Yeah, so where is the freak? Oh.
Matthew? Is it safe? Hi, Mr.
James.
Come here for a second.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Just come here.
Come here.
Hey, hey, hey.
You know what? What? I forgive you.
Oh, God.
[LAUGHS.]
Thank, God, Mr.
James.
[SIGHS.]
'Cause I was so afraid I know you were.
that you weren't gonna, you know, ever forgive me.
[GASPS.]
Uh-huh.
Can't breathe.
Everything going black.
Yeah.
Mr.
James, I don't think his rib cage can take that much forgiveness.
Oh, I think it can.
I found out what the freak did with your money.
Don't care.
Still forgiving him.
No, you don't understand.
You're still rich.
What? Your office called.
It seems your cell phone bill has a $7 billion credit.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I got my fortune back? Yeah.
Freak, what did you do? I just paid some bills.
You paid $7 billion for a phone bill? Okay, look.
I am not smart.
Okay, all right.
Okay.
It doesn't matter.
As long as I got my fortune back, I'm happy.
Hey, Dave, is it-- Is it 5:00 yet? No, sir.
It's only 4:00.
Yeah, it is.
I'm buying.
Let's go.
Come on, son.
Come on.
I'll get drunk.
I'll catch up.
Ah.
[GROANS.]
Max.
I see you ate that tuna sandwich that I left out overnight.
Under a lamp.
Oh, God.
Uh-huh.
Well.
Max, I think you've suffered enough.
Your break room privileges are restored.
[GROANING.]
Psych.
[.]
[.]
I'm offering my services for free.
Yes.
That's just so you can beam your messages out to space.
That's a lucky guess.
Max, that's my sandwich.
Really? Hm, I don't see your name on it.
Well, I still don't see your name on the actual sandwich.
Well, that's my milkshake.
Don't say you don't see my name, it's written over.
Well, I thought you abandoned it.
I put it in the fridge Yeah.
Well, if you left me in the fridge for 45 minutes, I'd feel abandoned.
Max, that refrigerator is not your private hunting ground.
I know.
I prefer to think of it as a public game preserve where every man is free to take his best shot.
You've been stealing lunches for months.
I have a glandular disorder.
Show some mercy.
Max, I think we've shown you a little bit too much mercy, all right? So as of this moment, your break room privileges are suspended.
What? Until you learn to respect people's property you're banned from the break room.
No.
No.
No! [.]
And so I told him, "You're not gonna pay that much, "you're not gonna pay that much.
"Well, you are gonna pay that much and you are gonna like it.
" You know what happened then? He paid that much and he liked it? No, no, no.
No, he paid that much and I liked it.
I was the one that liked it.
Ah, that's a great story, sir.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Damn, I'm rich, ain't I? Yeah.
David? Yes, Matthew? Oh, I'm sorry.
Should I come back? No, no, it's fine.
Oh, okay.
Uh, permission to leave the office to spend the day at the zoo? Oh, gee.
Uhno.
Darn.
You don't understand.
This is like a medical emergency, okay? I am so a little stressed out.
Oh, Matthew, come on, we're all stressed out.
All of us.
We are.
Believe me, we are.
You don't go to the zoo.
That's what weekends are for.
Mr.
James, no offense, you wouldn't understand.
Why not? To be frank, you spend your day in billionaire-land.
Getting steam baths and sitting on your ass, letting your ego be massaged by yes men.
Matthew.
And I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Just hold on for a second.
You honestly think that's all I do all day long? Well, let me think.
Steam baths, ego, ass.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Matthew.
Son, I mean, no offense, but my job is so much more stressful than you could even imagine.
If your job is so stressful, how come I never see you in here asking to go to the zoo? All right.
Okay.
You know what? All right, let's switch.
What? You and me.
Let's switch jobs for a day.
Sir, that's a horrible idea.
No, it is not.
I want you to run my empire for a day.
And I will do whatever the hell it is you do.
What do you do around here? Um Reporter.
Reporter.
Reporter.
Okay.
Fine.
I'll be a reporter then.
This is great, wow.
Are you serious? Yeah.
And this is like that movie Freaky Friday.
Except you're the mom.
I'm the mom.
And you're Jodie Foster.
Finally.
Okay.
Bill for Dave, bill for Dave.
Fan letter for Max.
Where is Max? I'll take it.
All right.
Oh, my God.
A letter addressed to Chi Chi Rodriguez.
What? It's from the Record and Tape Club.
"Dear Ms.
Rodriguez.
"Your club membership is in serious arrears.
A club representative will be visiting you shortly.
" Oh, my God! It sounds like somebody at the club went insane.
There's tons of them here.
Mrs.
Piccadilly Peanut.
Lena Maxina Von Pasadena.
Oh, my God.
Ernestine Q.
Picklefeather.
Lord and Lady Horsehide.
Rusty Bedsprings.
That was a good one.
A good one what? Lisa, these are aliases I used to join the Record and Tape Club.
To get the 19 CDs for a penny.
Oh, without having to buy eight more at the regular low Record Club price.
Plus shipping and handling.
Yeah.
It's an intriguing little scam.
Yes.
But now they have tracked me down.
All of me.
Well, so what? Just send them a couple of hundred bucks in late fees.
Lisa, over the past five years, I've spent $3 in pennies.
Beth, that's over 5700-- Mm, don't need a math lecture right now.
Well, you're like the Imelda Marcos of CDs.
No.
I am Imelda Marcos.
Can I get a soda? Soda please? Psych.
[GARGLING.]
Thanks.
[SNIFFS.]
No.
What's a soda without chips? Max.
Have you forgotten the break room is off limits? I know.
I was just going in to turn the faucet off.
And where did you get that? A friend gave it to me.
A friend whose identity I shall never divulge.
Well, it's break room property.
So now it's mine.
But it was Beth.
She's the criminal.
Go to work.
Oh, thanks, Dave.
Being a reporter's thirsty work.
Uh-huh.
Now, sir, are you sure this is wise? Oh, sure.
Of course I'm sure it is wise.
Here, look.
I got your first scoop right here.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Well, how do you know these companies are merging? Uh, I told them to.
Sir, as a reporter, you're supposed to find stories, not make them.
Well, you don't like that one, how about this? Uh, let's see.
Would it be a good story if there was a big explosion in a gas plant in Omaha and a couple of people were buried underground for days? Would that be a good story? No.
Oh.
Then I gotta make a call.
All right.
MATTHEW: Let me tell you something, J.
P.
You are going to pay that much and you are going to like it, okay? Hello? If that's okay with you.
[INTERCOM BUZZES.]
WOMAN [ON INTERCOM.]
: Mr.
Garelli is here to see you.
Hold on, J.
P.
Send him right in! Right this way.
Thanks.
Oh.
Okay, good.
Thank you, Laura.
Linda.
Right, right.
Hey, do you want anything? No, I'm fine.
Anything you want, she can get in like five seconds.
All right.
Coffee, please.
Yeah.
I'll take a virgin banana daiquiri.
Easy on the virgin.
Nice setup you got here, freak.
Yeah.
Well, we like it.
And confidentially, having Mr.
James's job is not as fun as I thought.
That's why I called you in.
I'm having computer problems.
What kind? I can't turn it on.
What? Shh! I don't want Laura to know.
Linda.
Whatever.
Here we go, gentlemen.
MATTHEW: Oh, okay.
JOE: Thanks.
Excellent, honeybunch.
That'll be all.
Wow.
She's quick with the drinks, huh? Mm-hm.
Mm.
She is a wonder.
About the computer.
Can you fix it? I can turn it on.
Good.
That's what I-- You know, I want.
Because Mr.
James has a lot of fun toys here.
But life can be pretty dull without a computer.
Dude, what are you doing? What? What? That's a loaded spear gun! I know.
I'm not a complete idiot.
Oh, my God.
Maybe I am a complete idiot.
What are you working on, Mr.
James? Huh? Oh, I'm just-- I'm one of the gang now.
You can call me Jimbo.
Okay.
What are you working on-- Come on.
--Jimbo? Okay.
Just a news story.
Just working on a little news story.
That looks suspiciously like a stock quote board to me, sir.
Yeah.
Gonna do a little, ahem, day trading on-line in Matthew's name.
I didn't know Matthew had an account.
Yeah, yeah.
A little one.
His mom started it up for him.
I broke in though.
Guess what his secret password is.
Matthew? No.
Brock? No.
Cat? Welcome to the club, fellow hacker.
Happy Birthday, Lisa.
Oh, is it your birthday? Happy birthday.
Thank you.
But my birthday's not for six months.
Oh, I know that.
I know.
But I just happened to be in the store and I saw this.
And I just thought it was so you.
So enjoy, okay? Beth.
I am not gonna launder these CDs for you.
You make it sound so shady.
Stash them and keep your mouth shut until the heat dies down.
Why don't you just give them back? Because if I give them back, what am I gonna use as coasters? Coasters? Yes.
And plates and earrings.
Lisa, I have literally thousands of CDs.
Oh, my God.
That dress you wore to the Christmas party last year.
Made entirely of recycled copies of Steve Miller Band's Greatest Hits.
You're going to prison.
Oh.
Oh.
Might I remind you that your husband is in prison.
Yes, I know.
But at least what he stole wasn't worthless.
Are you calling my life's work worthless? The spear's okay.
But you totally ruined Mr.
James' autographed picture of George "Goober" Lindsey.
That's okay.
I heard he and Goober had a big fight.
Now about the computer.
There you go.
That's it? That's it.
Well, that must be like the one button I didn't mash.
I'd love to hang out with you, but I got some stuff to do so-- Oh, yeah, me too.
Because, you know, running a global multi-billion dollar company is not all fun and games.
Right.
Go on.
Scoot, scoot, scoot.
Oh Okay.
Solitaire, solitaire COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Would you like to play a game? "Global Thermonuclear War.
" [.]
Hey, Mr.
James.
Still online trading for Matthew? Yeah, yeah.
How's that going? Oh, I'm just diversifying his portfolio a little bit.
He's not a bad investor, just a little too heavy into high-risk commodities.
What sort of high-risk commodities? Uh, catnip mostly.
Ah.
Cat toys.
Vacation spas for cats.
That sort of thing.
Well, then.
Well, lookie there.
How's it going there, Mr.
President? Mr.
CEO? Not so good.
Ah, the job's a lot tougher than you thought, huh? Yeah, it is.
Okay.
This is gonna make you feel good because I have made you-- Look at this.
--almost $200 trading online in your name.
Oh, that's funny.
Because I was just online trading in your name.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, see, you couldn't do that, son.
You couldn't access my accounts.
You don't know my secret password.
You mean, "Mary Ann"? How'd you know that? Well, it's Dave's mom's name, so I figured Sir.
No, wait.
Wait a-- Wait a second now.
Matthew, son.
Yes, sir.
How much did you lose? [SOBBING.]
All of it.
How-- How much? Seven billion dollars.
But you're welcome to borrow that 200 if you like.
[.]
I'm ruined.
I'm totally wiped out.
Seven billion dollars, gone.
If there's ever any-- Any way I can pay you back, you know-- Jimmy-- Jimmy mad.
What? I'm sorry.
Jimmy very mad! Jimmy mad! Jimmy mad! [GRUNTING.]
Jimmy mad! Joe, I could use some-- I need some help here.
What's up? I'm trying to lock Mr.
James in.
Oh, cool.
What were you thinking? I don't know.
I don't know.
I was playing solitaire and then I got bored and I started online trading.
And long story short, it got out of control.
I don't know.
You lost 7 billion dollars.
I know.
It's bad.
You ruined Mr.
James.
I said, I know it's bad.
This is worse than knocking over the water cooler.
Oh, my God.
Do you think he's gonna fire me? [CRASHING.]
[GRUNTING.]
You! Aaagh! [YELLING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[YELLING.]
[.]
Good morning, Lisa.
You still looking to unload those CDs, Beth? I don't know, with Mr.
James broke, I'd probably be better off in jail.
No.
The last he needs to worry is you getting busted by the record police.
Come on.
Oh, quickly.
All right.
What's the deal? She needs to dump an assload of CDs.
I got a bunch of CDs.
Not interested.
No, no.
We are talking about every Sarah McLachlan, every Carly Simon, every Judy Collins album ever made.
Plus some rare, rare, very early Edie Brickell.
What's the catch? You have to take 5700 other CDs.
Who? Well, we got everything.
Monica, Brandy, Hanson.
Yea! I mean, boo.
I want more.
What else do you want? I want my break room privileges back.
I am Dave's assistant.
I do have some influence.
She'll work on it.
It might not happen overnight, but she'll do what she can.
And I want samples.
What do you mean, samples? No, no.
No.
She's not stealing food for you, Max.
Deal breaker.
I could totally do that.
Do we have a deal? Yes, we have a deal.
I prefer to close deals like this with a kiss.
I choose prison.
Lisa? Psych.
[.]
Hey, sir.
How are you doing? Oh.
Hey, Dave.
I'm just packing up a few personal items.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
I'm-- I'm really sorry about all this.
Thanks, Dave.
I appreciate it.
I-- Oh, look.
Goober got a hole.
So, uh, what are your plans, sir? Are you-- Oh, I was-- I was, you know, looking at this as a new start maybe.
You know what I mean? I think that's a healthy attitude.
I'm thinking of going back to Florida and go back into the family business.
Oh, what's that? Sharecropping.
Sir.
Come on, sir.
You're Sir.
Sir, you're much more than a sharecropper.
Sure, yeah.
I used to be.
I used to be $7 billion more than a sharecropper.
But now, without my money, I'm just another unemployed Jeff Foxworthy fan.
You know what I was thinking? I was-- I was thinking of maybe starting a new business, you know? Something I'm interested in.
Of course, you could.
Put my nose to the grindstone and build it from the ground up.
Yeah.
Get enough money to buy myself a new spear gun and hunt down Matthew.
Now, sir, you don't want to kill Matthew.
Oh, sure I do.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, yes, yes.
We all want to kill Matthew, but what good would it do? It would-- It would make him dead.
[.]
Yeah, that one.
Yeah.
That and that.
Yeah.
Perfect.
What are you doing? Nothing.
I didn't know exactly which cookies you wanted, so I grabbed them all.
Is that okay? Brilliant.
That's-- You-- Excuse me.
You just gave him my lunch.
Yeah, I don't even know that guy.
I just walked through those doors right here and he wrestled me right into this pantry.
Okay.
That's fine.
I'm sorry.
And you, who are you? My name is Randy Starks.
Hi.
I'm with the, uh, Record and Tape Club.
I'm looking for a Chi-Chi Rodriguez.
Chi Chi? Chi Chi.
Oh, yes.
Chi Chi.
Yes, gone.
Gone quick.
No forwarding address.
Really sorry.
Are you sure? 'Cause I-- Yes.
Can you help me stash these? I think I saw someone following me.
Chi Chi Rodriguez, I presume? I also assume I'm meeting "Aunt Jemima," "Wolfman Jack", "Tokyo Rose" "Your Momma.
" That's one of my favorites.
You know, Beth, you don't have to say anything.
No, no.
No, it's okay.
It's all right.
You know what? It's okay.
I mean, really.
Who's guilty here, huh? The user or the pusher? Oh, I see.
I see.
I'm the villain, right? "Dr.
Doom"? Oh, all right.
I-I give up.
Just, you know, arrest me.
I couldn't help myself.
No, no.
I would like to prosecute you.
But to tell you the truth, the cost of your litigation would be so much more than we could ever hope to recover.
So I'm offering you this check for $1000 on two-- Two conditions.
One, leave us alone.
And two, don't tell anybody else how you scammed us.
We cannot afford that.
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
Oh, I have to make that check out.
Oh.
Okay, great.
Who would I make that out to? Uh, Beth.
Okay, Beth.
Beth what? I don't have a last name.
Just make it out to cash.
Okay, cash.
There you go.
And do not send us any more of those pennies.
Now I can afford to buy a CD player.
Whoo.
Hey, there, Lisa.
Ah.
Mr.
James, you're back.
Yeah.
Not only am I-- Am I back, I'm back in business.
Meaning? Meaning I'm back in business.
I'm working my way back to financial prominence.
Hey.
Congratulations, Mr.
James.
I knew you had another comeback in you.
Yeah, thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Actually, I just came back to forgive Matthew.
Really? Mm-hm.
Yeah, so where is the freak? Oh.
Matthew? Is it safe? Hi, Mr.
James.
Come here for a second.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Just come here.
Come here.
Hey, hey, hey.
You know what? What? I forgive you.
Oh, God.
[LAUGHS.]
Thank, God, Mr.
James.
[SIGHS.]
'Cause I was so afraid I know you were.
that you weren't gonna, you know, ever forgive me.
[GASPS.]
Uh-huh.
Can't breathe.
Everything going black.
Yeah.
Mr.
James, I don't think his rib cage can take that much forgiveness.
Oh, I think it can.
I found out what the freak did with your money.
Don't care.
Still forgiving him.
No, you don't understand.
You're still rich.
What? Your office called.
It seems your cell phone bill has a $7 billion credit.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I got my fortune back? Yeah.
Freak, what did you do? I just paid some bills.
You paid $7 billion for a phone bill? Okay, look.
I am not smart.
Okay, all right.
Okay.
It doesn't matter.
As long as I got my fortune back, I'm happy.
Hey, Dave, is it-- Is it 5:00 yet? No, sir.
It's only 4:00.
Yeah, it is.
I'm buying.
Let's go.
Come on, son.
Come on.
I'll get drunk.
I'll catch up.
Ah.
[GROANS.]
Max.
I see you ate that tuna sandwich that I left out overnight.
Under a lamp.
Oh, God.
Uh-huh.
Well.
Max, I think you've suffered enough.
Your break room privileges are restored.
[GROANING.]
Psych.
[.]
[.]