Parks and Recreation s05e20 Episode Script

Hey.
I didn't find the article about you teaching sex-ed to seniors, but I did find this folder labeled - "Senior sex-ed thank you notes.
" - Oh, don't open that.
There's pictures in there.
Oh! There are pictures.
There are lots of pictures.
Why would you not throw these away or incinerate them? Because every memory deserves to be chronicled.
Even the saggy ones.
I am putting together a scrapbook commemorating my first year on the city council.
This year whizzed by so fast.
There was so much more I wanted to do.
But time is the relentless and cruel enemy of the devoted civil servant.
It's actually one of the sub-titles of my scrapbook.
Probably would've got more stuff done if I hadn't spent so much time brainstorming scrapbook titles.
Ben and Leslie's day off.
Let's go relax.
I cannot wait for our day off.
But what if we took a day on and stayed here and worked on some projects? - That sounds pretty sexy, right? - No.
Leslie, you've worked nonstop.
Holidays and weekends.
You're just gonna take a day off.
- It'll be good for you.
- All right.
You're cute.
- And you're right.
- Come on.
- Let's relax.
- All right.
Hey, April.
I'll be gone for the next 19 1/2 hours, so can you water my plants in my office? We are all out of water, actually.
I'll have to use boiling hot milk.
- Are you really gonna do that? - Yes.
Well, everybody.
Um, wow.
It has been an honor and a pleasure to work with you all.
The time I have spent at Parks and Rec have been the happiest days of my life here in the government.
And I know everyone says it, but I sincerely hope that we stay in touch.
What the [Bleep.]
is happening right now? Today's my last day, Leslie.
I'm retiring.
What? Why didn't you tell us? Well, I didn't want to make a big fuss.
Although, gosh, I'm pretty sure I mentioned it a few times.
Oh, God, they're gonna fire people, aren't they? Yeah, I am two years from my pension.
Can you believe it? Only six months left until I retire.
Ooh.
What did Jerry say? Jerry was here? Well, this is my last weep.
Oops.
I mean, "weep.
" Week.
Jeez.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Just wait.
Everybody wait.
Okay.
As much as we want this to happen, we can't let Jerry just disappear.
We have to commemorate this somehow.
You're right.
Jerry, thank you for your service.
Good-bye.
Thanks, Ron.
That speech means a lot.
Okay, well, I am going to go and say good-bye to some other folks.
Okay, see you tomorrow, Jerry.
So we ran all your tests, and everything looks great.
You might be the healthiest human being we've ever seen.
You have the resting heart rate of a 100-year-old tortoise.
Yes, I get that a lot.
So my childhood illness-- there's no chance I would pass that on? It wasn't genetic, so you shouldn't worry at all.
You have every reason to expect a healthy child.
In fact, if you'd like, you can provide your sample today.
Today? Like, today, today? - This today? - Well, yes.
I mean, the timing is right according to Ann's ovulation schedule.
Unless there's a reason you'd like to wait till next month.
No.
None.
One other question.
Completely off topic.
Would I be providing this sample today? Here I am thinking about how fast my first year in city council has gone, and Jerry has had 40 years whiz past him with nothing to show for it.
This is everything in his file-- a handicapped parking sticker from when he got gout, a Parks and Rec golf cart driving exam which he failed, a scathing performance review.
I mean, why would anyone be so mean? Oh, wait.
I wrote this.
I stand by it.
Well, Jerry was never really the type to rise above mediocrity or to it.
That's what I thought, but when he started, he had a lot of dreams and goals.
I mean, look at his original entry paperwork.
He wanted to meet the mayor, have a building named after him.
I just can't let Jerry leave here with nothing and go home to an empty life.
Well, I'll help with anything.
Just promise we'll do it quickly.
I'm making us a mac and cheese pizza for-- - Mac and cheese pizza? - Yeah.
- You're making that? - Yeah.
Torturing Jerry was my favorite thing in the world.
After making out with you.
Remember when we did both at the same time? It made him so uncomfortable.
This is a sad day.
Who are we gonna make fun of now? No need to worry.
Every place I've ever worked in has had a "Jerry.
" When one Jerry leaves, the office naturally selects a new Jerry to fill that role.
It's Social Darwinism.
The strong prey on the weak.
Soon, one of you will be ridiculed mercilessly.
Ah, nature.
Okay.
My transfer was approved.
So starting now, I am an employee of the County Health Board.
You are no longer my boss, and we can have a baby without being a conflict of interest.
Clear sailing.
Goodbye, Ann Perkins, my excellent employee.
Hello, Ann Perkins, my fallopian princess.
So here's the drill.
Make a deposit in here.
If you fill it up all the way, you get on the board.
Then we take the sample, spin it in the centrifuge, and prepare it for fertilization.
Sounds romantic.
I guess it's go time.
Go time! Wait, what am I doing? I don't go with you.
Oh, no, no.
I go in alone with this pornographic disc and do it myself.
And you stay out here and try not to think about what I'm doing in there.
And I try not to think about you waiting out here trying not to think about me.
Should I think about you? This is so weird.
Chris, we don't have to do this today.
This was totally just sprung on us.
Let's just take a moment.
There's so many pamphlets to look at.
Yes, we do have very important pamphlet reading to do.
Excellent idea, Ann Perkins.
Do I keep this? I don't know.
It feels wrong to leave it here.
Give it to me.
I panicked.
Run! Here are the last of the Animal Control reports.
What are you doing, weirdo? Just trying not to spill anything.
I believe Leslie said to organize these by year.
Way ahead of you.
I made two pile files.
Pilo fibles.
Ugh.
Filo pilos.
Filo pilos? That's not right.
- Are you broken? - No, everything's fine.
Well, I guess that settles who the new Jerry is.
No, it doesn't! I barely even said it wrong.
- Said it wrong.
- Stop it! This is how it begins.
The next "Jerry.
" One screwed-up sentence, and 30 years later, I'm wearing aquamarine sweater vests and listening to Bonnie Raitt and The da Vinci Code on my iPod.
It's already started.
Believe it or not, Jerry, you were young once.
Young and full of dreams.
I forgot I wrote all this.
And as unrealistic and absurd as those goals were, we are not letting you retire until we help you achieve them.
So let's see what's first.
"Eat in city council private dining room.
" That we can achieve.
Right now? Sure.
Let's go.
Authorized personnel only.
Oh, they're with me.
City Councilor Leslie Knope, clearance level four.
Guests are only allowed on Wednesdays.
And we don't have clearance levels.
I know, but shouldn't we? I mean, it sounds so cool.
Anyway, we just need to get in there real quick and maybe take a picture.
He's retiring as a city hall employee after 41 years, and it was his dream to eat here.
His dream? Really? - Still no.
- It's okay, Leslie.
Come on.
But thank you.
Thank you for trying.
No, no, no, no, no.
I promised you an executive meal and you're gonna get one.
Ben, just--okay.
I'm gonna go in there and take a picture with Jerry.
I put my arm around nothing.
And then you Photoshop him in later, okay? Congratulations on your retirement.
Aw, thank you.
One, three, seven, two, five, nine.
Pffft! Sudoku is easy.
Is there even rules to this game? There's a natural successor to Jerry's sad, smelly crown.
And it's not me.
It's Andy.
Big guy? Check.
Goofy? Check.
All I have to do is wait for a textbook Dwyer screw-up, which usually happens, mm, every 20 minutes.
Hey, if it isn't Filo Pilo.
Oh, real creative, Donna.
You expect that to catch on? Babe, the pen.
Look at Andy.
There's ink all over him.
Andy's the new Jerry.
Game over.
Awesome.
Hey, I'm like a giant squid.
- Hey, honey, I'm ink Dracula.
- No, stop.
Squid Dracula is going to get you.
Barking up the wrong tree, Filo.
What do you mean? Andy will never be the new Jerry.
Nothing embarrasses him.
He's like a giant puppy with no shame.
What you need is some fresh meat in the office.
Or you guys could just stop making fun of me.
Yeah.
No.
Okay, on to the next Jerry goal-- meet Mayor Knudson.
Oh, yeah.
He was the mayor at the time.
I've always wanted to meet him.
Well, today you're getting that chance.
So was he like - a really great mayor? - No, not really.
He resigned because of corruption and racketeering, and then he died from an overdose of pills.
But actually his real cause of death was being thrown out of a helicopter while handcuffed.
Some people say he's still alive because they never found the body, but they never found the body because he exploded on impact.
- Sounds like a good dude.
- Yeah.
I just wish I had a chance to meet him, you know, years ago before all the scandals and his death.
But this is nice too.
- Yeah.
- Is it? - Yes.
- Mm-hmm.
It is.
Okay, go over there.
Let's meet Mayor Knudson.
I'll take your picture.
Butterflies.
Hello, Mr.
Mayor.
First of all, I'm so sorry that those Serbian mobsters shoved you out of that helicopter.
You deserve better.
Okay, you tried, but I took a day off to spend with you, not with you and Jerry and a dead mayor.
Can we please just call it a day? No, we can't because in a few short years, we're gonna be visiting Jerry here, and he will have achieved nothing.
Is that what you want? - No.
- Okay, then.
It's really been nice to meet you.
- Okay, Jerry, let's go.
- Ooh.
Ronfire of the vanities.
Filo Pilo.
Are you kidding me? Listen, now that Jerry's gone, we need to hire someone to pick up the slack.
A new person in the office? Not a person.
An intern.
Why on earth would I get an intern? Interns cost nothing to the taxpayer.
And more importantly, they're usually stupid and terrible.
So they get no work done.
It's like a Jerry you don't have to pay.
Damn, son.
That is one compelling argument.
Keep it up, Filo.
We may destroy this government one day after all.
These pamphlets are fascinating.
It says here that some men gain "sympathy weight" when their partners get pregnant.
If that happens to me, I'd be miserable.
But happy.
But sad.
I would have never imagined the baby-making process to be this clinical.
I mean, imagine if actual sex were like this.
Let me remove my clothes so we may begin to engage in physical activity to multiply our genes.
And it's also weird because we dated and we remember what it's like to engage in some of those - physical activities.
- Exactly.
And we were also pretty good at those physical activities.
Yes, we were.
Yes, we were.
You know, is this all the pamphlets? 'Cause I think that maybe I have some left in my bedroom.
Oh, well, then, we should definitely go look for those.
- Let's find those.
- We need to find those.
Hurry.
Okay, everyone gather around.
Leslie, I really appreciate this, but I did promise Gayle I would leave by 5:00.
She has a tasty surprise waiting for me, if you know what I mean.
Gross, Jerry.
She made a meatloaf.
Well, this is better than meatloaf.
When Jerry first applied for this job, one of this goals was to have a building named after him.
Again, that is an absurd request considering your work record.
But I thought maybe he could have a room named after him.
So henceforth, Parks and Rec conference room will serve as a testament to your years of public service.
- Oh, my God.
- Hear, hear.
"Jerry Gergich Memorial Conference Room.
R.
I.
P.
"? Oh, the guy at the plaque store thought you had died.
It was a rush job, so we didn't have time to change it.
It doesn't matter.
We can just pretend it means retire in peace.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
- So bring out the cake! - Oh.
Speech, speech, speech.
Well, thank you, guys.
I'm not much of a speechmaker, but I do like good cake.
Delicious.
Uh, you're on fire.
Oh! Oh, my God, Jerry! Whoa.
Well, that went roughly as well as I thought it would.
I promised Gayle I'd leave at 5:00.
I guess this is it.
Bye.
See you tomorrow, Jeremy.
Well, pretty heroic, huh, guys? Hard to make fun of that.
Oh, man, the cake.
Filo Pilo ruined the cake.
Classic Pilo.
What how is that my fault? Stupid Jerry.
Should have never saved his life.
Hey, Jerry.
Do you have a second? Leslie.
Well, this is a lovely surprise.
Come on in.
Have breakfast with the family.
That's okay.
I just popped by to apologize and to give you something.
- Is that Leslie Knope? - Yes.
Oh, hi, Gayle.
What a surprise.
I insist you join us for breakfast.
This guy is the greatest breakfast chef in the world.
You know, I'm not really into breakfast foods.
Really? Your purse is shaped like a waffle.
- Is it? - Please join us.
The Gergiches don't take no for an answer.
- Mm-mm.
- Ugh, okay.
Come on in.
Girls, we've got company.
So, you want to get out of here? Work just started, Ms.
Meagle.
Yeah, but our work is just beginning.
You know what I'm saying? Oh, Donna, who's the new boy toy? I'm Taylor, the new intern.
This is the new intern? Are you kidding me? Yeah, he went to high school with my sister, Natalie.
He was a big deal on the football team.
Oh, meathead jock type, huh? Actually, I quit football senior year so I could help my pastor run a homeless shelter.
Oh.
Pfftt! This guy loves the homeless so much, he should marry them, right? Anybody would be lucky to marry him.
Hey, Taylor, do you want to marry me and April? Wish I could, man, but I'm not a "marriage" dude.
I've got a lot of love to give, and it just seems unfair to put boundaries on it.
He gets it.
You so get it.
Oh, hey.
Hi.
Should I keep walking towards you? Yeah, I could stop, and you could walk.
Or you know what, we could meet in the middle.
Great plan.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Welp.
- Okay.
Ron, ask me if I'm sad.
No.
Ron, I'm the new Jerry.
Well, is whining going to do anything about it? You don't want to be a whipping boy.
Stand up for yourself.
You don't understand, Ron.
I already was Jerry.
I was a skinny Indian kid in South Carolina, and it sucked.
It took me 12 years, but I reinvented myself.
I'm a business owner.
I wear dope suits.
I have fur underwear.
It was all for nothing.
I'm back to being a Jerry.
All right.
I gotta buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel.
Might as well lean into it.
Tom can take care of himself.
He's a grown man.
Well, half-grown.
He does have a business where he rents out his clothes to 12-year-olds.
Eggs, bacon, and toast eggs, bacon, and toast why don't you start your day the Gergich way with eggs, bacon, and-- Oh, me? t-toast eggs, bacon, and toast eggs, bacon, and toast why don't you start your day the Gergich way with eggs, bacon, and-- Toast Very good.
We sing that every morning.
But it's an extra treat because you're here to sing it with us.
Thanks, guys.
Jerry, I wanted your last day at work to be special, and I feel like I let you down.
No! So I made you this scrapbook with nearly 4 amazing pages jam-packed with memories of your time in the government.
Oh, my go-- well, look.
Oh, honey.
You look great in every one of these.
You are still the most handsome man in the world to me.
Ugh.
Mom, come on.
Yeah, jeez, mom.
We're eating.
You know, it doesn't make any sense.
Leslie, that is really sweet of you, but you don't have to worry about me.
I'm great.
Here.
I want to show you something.
Okay.
No! You also dropped that, clumsy.
Where am I? I know I didn't achieve all my work goals, but, Leslie, I don't care because for me, the best part about working in the Parks department was that I got to be home every night with my family at 5:00.
And to me, that's what mattered most.
Little Sebastian Oh, wow.
Jerry.
Thank you for sharing this with me.
I-- You have a wonderful life.
Mmhmm.
Aw.
Group hug.
Uhoh, here they are.
The hug machine is here.
The hug machine-- it's firing on all cylinders.
Okay, I think we should be adults and talk about this.
I would love to.
I was nervous after yesterday because I was thinking what does this mean for us? Not as parents, but as Chris and Ann? I don't think on-again, off-again is a great parental model.
Well, I completely agree.
But if there is a hypothetical chance that we could provide a home with two parents who are hypothetically together, then that could be even better hypothetically.
Of course.
We should discuss and consider all the possibilities.
The most important thing for me and I think for you is that we have a child.
And I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that.
Do you want to make out? I really do.
Hey.
What are you doing here, Jerry? I thought you were fired.
I wasn't fired.
I retired.
That's what they all say.
I asked Jerry to come in.
That new intern wasn't working out, so I got rid of him.
Once again, I object in the strongest possible terms.
Once again, noted.
I have also asked Jerry to come in a couple hours a week until we find a permanent replacement.
Ugh, just when we were rid of him? Yeah, I don't know, Ron.
Are you hearing me, son? Jerry will come in once a week, and everyone will get to watch him eat and talk to him about anything he might do or say or fart.
- Welcome back, Jerry.
- Thank you.
Oh, it feels good just to be ba-- Classic new guy.
I'm sorry that I spent your day off with Jerry - instead of relaxing with you.
- It's all right.
And after you fell asleep making Jerry's scrapbook, I went back to season one of Fringe to check for plot holes.
As I suspected--airtight.
I'm sorry.
This is all my fault.
I love my job.
But in the blink of an eye, I'm gonna be retiring, you know, and flying off on Marine One with you and a Secret Service detail.
Achievements are great, but I want more than that.
I want what Jerry has.
I mean, we're always gonna work, but I think we need to fill this scrapbook too.
Maybe we should take a real day off and talk about starting our family.
Yeah.
That sounds perfect.
Hey, while you were over at Jerry's, did you happen to get any information about his history with Gayle? Like, was she a Russian spy and the KGB forced her to marry Jerry as a cover? You know, it's a mystery, Ben.
Let it go.
Yeah, I can't.
It keeps me awake at night.
Hey, maybe Gayle has one of those Oliver Sacks brain disorder thingies? Like, does she think Jerry is a friendly hat? I think you solved it.