Rescue Me s05e20 Episode Script
Zippo
Previously on rescue me All right,enough,enough.
Congratulations,lou.
Second time around is the charm.
- Third time,actually.
- Shut up.
Whoa,whoa,whoa,whoa! No,no,no,no--ohh! Oh,easy,easy,easy! Get her the hell out of there! Thanks,fellas.
I'm all set.
Ask your mom to pad your curfew a few hours.
Tomorrow night,10:00.
Where's the kid? I came down here to just try and make sure that you kept your paws off my godson.
I came here to broaden his horizons.
You came down her to get him shit-faced and bang his brains out.
You know,you've got A like a triangle in your left eye.
Yes.
It's kind of like bowie.
We got some very smokin' ladies here,and I'd say 70% of them are friends and colleagues.
We got bull dykes.
Jesus christ,I'm bangin' a gay chick.
She loves red sox,I'm the yankees.
I have a hell of a lot more to offer.
And how do you figure that? Because I come with your children.
I married jimmy because he wasn't like me.
And,you know,he was really sweet up until the time when he cheated on me.
He had an affair and I found out.
Who'd you sleep with? Don't you worry about it.
Someone I knew? Tommy,come in.
Tommy,do you copy? Tommy,what is your location?come in! Aisle 8,lou.
Don't forget the avocados,goddamn it.
Well,you stuck me with bush and rumsfeld over here.
Look,the real housewives of new york city marathon starts at 8:00.
That gives me an hour to pull mexican night together.
And while I'm king shit when it comes to food prep,I'm not a goddamn miracle worker! Copy that?Are we clear? Yeah,I got that,rachael ray.
So,tom,you gonna come and check out the band's audition this weekend? Kelly gonna be there? Uh,I don't know.
Why don't you ask her?You're dating her.
I'm not dating her.
I'm trying to keep her away from damian.
Yeah,good job,by the way.
She called me again last night.
Psych.
- Just kidding,dude.
- You're so funny.
Aw,jesus.
Ma'am.
Uh,lady? I think her hearing aid's dead.
unbelievable.
Tommy,you gonna come to the audition? Listen,mike,you know I like you,ok,and I like the band.
I just--I'm getting worried that maybe you're getting your hopes up too high.
You know what I mean? Yeah,man.
I don't think I'm really getting my hopes up,though.
You know,I just want to like record an album maybe, like do a small club tour to some major cities or something,you know? All right.
You know,and maybe hit the grammys.
To watch.
Or to win.
You know,this really sucks.
We're buying food I don't even get to eat.
I want you stepping into that ring lean and hungry,pal,all right? This broad your fighting's no walk in the park.
Capers.
We need capers.
Look,frank,this chick is a pro,all right? She's a real boxer.
Now,I'm not saying you can't beat her.
I mean,we wouldn't lay the nut we did on you if we didn't think you could win, but I got it set so the odds are in her favor.
When you step in there,I want you to be ready,you understand? - All right.
- Good.
No,I said capers,not corn chips.
Capers.
Leave 'em,just leave 'em.
You know,I gotta be honest with you guys.
I'm really having second thoughts about this whole fight.
I mean,a guy fighting a dame? I mean,unless my parents have come back from beyond the grave,I don't think it's natural.
You have no idea what a caper is,do you? Just--just leave 'em and go.
- Don't listen to him,frank,all right? - Yeah.
Look,I'm sorry,lou,but as a dewy-eyed newlywed, I think you lack the ability to be objective here.
Salt.
Listen,I might be a little dewy-eyed right now.
That's only because,uh,candy and I are planning our second honeymoon.
You just got back from mohegan sun.
Yeah,but now she wants a proper honeymoon.
She wants 2 weeks on the beach.
I'm thinking turks and caicos.
Ah,sweet! Sweet? You never seen lou in a bathing suit.
Bathing suit?Who wears a bathing suit? Call turks and caicos.
Tell people to start stabbing their eyes out.
Immediately.
I'll tell you what makes it even sweeter--besides a nude lou-- is the fact that I get to plan the whole trip and she gets to pay for it.
So you know what? Right now I'm not really feeling all that anger and resentment towards the fairer sex.
Give it time,pal.
Give it time.
So what's up with the second honeymoon thing? I mean,colleen this morning said that her mom was thinking about doing a second honeymoon weekend in the berkshires with tommy.
Tommy and janet for a weekend in the mountains? How do you warn mountains? You yodel.
Girls.
I know what those are.
She still looking? Yeah.
Keep your eyes on the shelf.
She'll come to us.
- We gotta finish shopping.
- We are shopping,ok? We're pussy shopping.
All right? Firemen in the supermarket-- that's like lebron james in the open court.
It's a slam goddamn dunk.
Chicks see us,working class guys all geared up like this--heroes--carrying a shopping list? They begin to believe that we're house-trained.
She's gone.
All right,she'll be back.
Mike,get in the cart.
Do not get in the goddamn cart.
Tommy,what's your 20? Aisle 4,lou.
Oh,I thought you'd be in produce by now.
Yeah,we got hung up.
Yeah,pussy shopping.
No.
Yes.
Hey,listen,what's the deal I hear about,uh, you and janet going up to the berkshires for the weekend? Who told you about that? Don't get in that goddamn cart.
Well,you know I never divulge my sources.
Black shawn.
Of course it was black shawn.
What's the deal? What,is she trying to sway favor her way? You know,if you guys want to play patty cake with somebody'syou know private life on the telephone,pick somebody else's life,all right? Just get me my goddamn avocados.
Don't say a word about this to your mother,ok? - About what? - About the goddamn berkshires.
- When you going there?I hear it's pret - Shut up.
And don't tell her about the kelly thing either,because that was a godfather type of covering-- Yeah,yeah,whatever.
Like i give a shit.
I'm getting the avocados.
All right.
Hey,I can't get out.
Yeah,join the goddamn club.
Shit.
Lou,we got a problem.
Go.
I just saw some guy shoplift a couple of avocados.
I think he's got a steak,too.
Well,you know what? If the shoplifter is not on fire,then I really could give a shit.
You understand? They were the last 2 avocados.
- So grab him! - I'm not a cop.
Well,you're a goddamn civil servant,you little shit,so do your civic duty and go get me my avocados! Hey! Drop the produce.
He's mobile,lou! Guys!Guys! Mexican night is in peril.
Scramble! Tommy,bar the door! Got it.
Whoa,tommy! Hey! Get back here! Hey! Hey,tommy guys,where are you? **** **** Anybody got eyes on this guy? Yeah,thought you'D****Pal.
- What the hell-- - Don't you move.
It's all right.
We got him.
What are you talkin' about?Look what youse did.
The guy's a shoplifter,all right? We got it under control.
Look,check his coat,tom.
- Yeah,look at that.
- Oh,shit.
And we're halfway to lou's holy guacamole.
Well-- The last avocado!Fantastic! - Oh,god.
- Thank you.
call me.
You assholes trashed my store over a steak and 2 avocados? Get outta here before I call the cops.
Oh,yeah,call the cops.
Yeah,that's a smart move.
Where the hell were the cops when you were getting ripped off? They were nowhere.
You know who was here?We were here.
The fdny was here--ready,capable,and professional.
Hey,guys? Could I get a hand,please? He's not with us.
Yeah? Hey,I need you to come over here and hang my television.
Ok,I--I'm--I'm at work.
I'm very busy,ok? Yeah.
Come after your shift.
And by that,I mean immediately after your shift.
Listen-- you called your mother about the berkshires thing,didn't you? I didn't call her.
You called your mother about the berk--admit it.
I didn't,I swear.
Ok,I know you called her,all right? I did not call her.
Whatever.
I texted her.
Proudly Presents Season 5 Episode 20 Yeah,so anyways,like an idiot she tells colleen,and like a moron,colleen tells shawn.
Asswipe that shawn is,he tells all the guys,and of course,damian, being the mama's boy that he is,waited,what,15 seconds before he called you with the information.
Yeah,I think that janet knew exactly what she was doing.
A weekend away up in the mountains,just the two of you.
There's nothing to do but screw and hike, and I will bet you my left tit that she doesn't have any hiking boots.
She hasn't even asked me yet.
All right? So we might as well be visiting moot point up there in the mountains,because,you know All right? Well,are you gonna go to moot point? You realize the size of this thing,ok,in high def? You know,brad pitt's--those little acne hole things that he has on his face? They're gonna look like goddamn craters, like the kind of craters they have on the moon,on this thing.
Well,I guess I'll just be taking a little moon walk,then.
hey,let me ask you something.
Yeah? About jimmy,you know,uh - did you ever find out,you know-- - Who he slept with? Yeah.
It's not important anymore.
So I'm assuming,ahem,you,uh,you know,you haveproof? What,that he slept with her?Yeah.
I mean,he'd been seeing her for months.
I have the evidence.
I have cell phone records and, um,strange perfume smells,and lipstick.
The whole nine yards.
Plus,I caught them together.
What do you mean,in bed? No,worse.
There's something worse? Yes.
A nice quiet candlelight dinner in my favorite spot in little italy.
Stannatto's? Oh,boy.
And,you know,I walked in and they were holding hands and they were kissing Over luscious plates of angel hair pasta.
Oh,what an idiot.
With the white sauce.
Which you know is my favorite.
Take off your tool belt.
But I--I'm supposed to,uh-- No,take off your tool belt, but leave it close by in case i want to play with it.
And take off your shirt and lay down.
I'm not asking you,I'm telling you,ok? Because this may be the last time that we have sex, and I think that we should make it a doozy! All right.
- What,uh-- - Shh! You ok? Yeah.
Go on,finish yours.
Yeah.
Now lay down.
Ok.
All right.
Hey.
Where'd you get those? I had them left over.
Is that for me or for-- oh,ok.
They come as the,uh,one package there? Yeah,you gotta stretch 'em out,but,yeah.
That feel good? Yeah.
- You comfy? - Yeah.
Ok.
What are you gonna do? Lots of things.
Really? Do you want to know some more about jimmy? No.
You were asking.
Yeah,but not right now.
Oh! I'll tell you something.
I knew because it was in his walk it was in his hands it was in the way that he touched me.
This little invisible tremor That snuck down his fingertips.
And I knew Hey.
- She gave this to him.
- Yeah? - I found it.
- Right.
And I stole it.
Little empire state building.
So cute.
I don't know,I guess that she loved that tom hanks-meg ryan movie - where they meet up on-- - Sleepless in seattle? What? You don't know hamlet but you know this? Janet made me see it like 4 times.
- What-- - Don't you talk about janet here now.
I'm sorry.
Is that hard? Did I hit you hard? It was fine.
I'm sorry.
Did I hurt you? No.
When jimmy died Um,yeah The only person who I felt knew - How I felt - Yeah.
Who understood how I felt Was you.
And when our passion started to pop,that is when it dawned on me Yeah? Hey,hey,hey This is what you're all about.
Ok.
Uh,what are you doing? - This - Sheil - Is what makes you move.
- Hey.
- It's what makes you breathe.
- Hey.
- And behave.
- Hey,cut the shit.
Your marriage Was only worth something to you when it was falling apart.
- Right? - Stop it.
When it was working - you didn't feel anything.
- Stop it.
- Not a dash of anything.
- Stop it.
Right? Because normalcy bores you.
And I don't even care about this other new chick.
Ok? She's not important to me in the least.
Because you know what? - Do you really think that- Sheila-- She - or janet or any other-- - Hey,hey.
Hot,devoted - Animal on this earth-- - Cut this shit! Would make you twist like this? Huh? And then Oh have you hard as a rock the next second? Yeah,I don't think so.
Listen do you want to wake up to some sort of challenge, some sort of shock,a sweet electrical charge every single day of your life? Even after you stop firefighting? Then I'm your best bet.
That plasma ain't gonna hang itself.
Jesus christ.
Shit.
Hey.
It wasn't janet,by the way.
In case you were wondering.
Yeah,just thought I'd tell you.
What,did you think I was a scumbag like you? Now,listen,regardless of whatever I did or whatever reasons I might have had, I never would have slept with janet if the tide was reversed, you know what I mean? Like if you died in the world trade center instead of me, sheila and me,we might have been said and done with--who knows? But no way I would have slept with your old lady.
That's just me.
Ok? Code of honor,cuz.
The brotherhood,right? Yeah.
By the way,you ought to take the deal sheila's offering.
Take it and run with it.
'Cause the two of you are gonna end up killing each other either way.
Might as well go out with that great big goddamn blaze of glory.
Hey! Jimmy! Hey! Yeah? Nothin'.
All right,you all set? Yep.
Teddy's granddad bottle's filled with johnny blue.
Mickey's old wolfschmidt bottle is filled with grey goose.
These ginger ale bottles here--filled with ellie's cristal.
These guys are not even drinking what the customers are drinking.
Well,have you tasted what the customers are drinking? Good point.
Hey,I,uh,i spilled some of that wild turkey on my jeans.
Burned a hole right through.
Got a bad case of the old thigh hives.
Thigh hives? Yeah,you don't want to know.
What it is,is this horrible rash that happens on your inner thigh.
It's like really pimply.
You squeeze it,nothing happens.
No pus,no no pain,nothing.
It's really weird.
It's very oh,you didn't--you didn't want to know.
Yeah,I'm gonna check Guys,I'm having pangs.
What do you mean? You hungry? - Guilt pangs.
- About what? From this.
This.
Paying teddy,ellie,and mickey all confirmed self-confessed alcoholics paying them to drink.
Here.
With these kids.
These asshole hipsters.
I'm an alcoholic,too,and I think it's sick.
I really,really do.
So you're bucking for a little pay raise? It's not about the money.
I'll give you an extra 50 cents an hour.
It's the principle.
One dollar extra an hour.
It goes against the entire premise of my program.
- A buck fifty.
Highest I'm going.
- Done.
Nice work.
- Excuse me.
- Yes? Are those pickled eggs in that jar? Why,yes,they are.
Cool.
How do they taste? Like both: Shit.
- That is so dope.
- Yeah.
- Could we get2? - Yeah.
You got it.
5 bucks.
Yeah.
Well,look what the cat dragged in.
So it's all true.
You have reached your lowest ebb ever,tommy.
Thank you.
Did you call her? No,I called him.
She promised that we would never have to have sex again.
We're never having sex again,right? Not if your cancer-ridden microscopic little penis was the last one on earth.
Well,thank god.
I'm gonna go get your eggs.
You know,his his penis is orange now.
Let me guess--jergens self-tanner.
How'd you hear about that? Well,it's not the first time it's happened.
I mean,at least it's not the icy hot.
Oh,my god.
So you don't mind using our alcoholic family as a shill for your bar business? Let me tell you something,ok? This place is a license to print money.
These hipster kids--you slap a piece of ham and some cheese on 2 slices of rye they call it an old school sandwich--we charge 12 bucks.
Ok? It's a goddamn gold mine.
But,I mean,you don't have any moral qualms about this? I mean Let me think.
No.
Not a one.
Hey,back off,sister.
What is this? Don't talk to me,ellie.
I mean,you guys are in need of some medical attention,all of you.
I'm not kidding.
Look at you.
Listen,what we need is for assholes such as yourself to not judge us.
Tommy's not forcing anybody to drink here.
Every cocktail that is poured down each of our thirsty little throats is poured by the person in charge.
In my case,it's me.
Thanks,ellie.
You're welcome,tommy.
Listen,pour me another jameson's,would you,please? - Canadian club.
- Canadian club.
Whatever.
Tommy,are they fighting? Yeahright on schedule.
Stick around another 5 or 10 minutes,you might even get to see ellie flash her tits.
Man: Look at the size of those nipples! - she's early tonight.
- gross.
Bye! Hey,what do you think about puerto rico? Yeah,I know.
Too many puerto ricans.
What about 2 weeks in hawaii? There's beautiful beaches,helicopter tours,volcanoes.
We could learn to surf.
Why don't we just do the caribbean,you know? I mean,it's not that expensive.
We don't have to go overboard here.
Why not? I've got the money.
I know.
It's our honeymoon.
We're gonna make memories to last the rest of our lives.
It may as well be something extravagant.
What? Nothing.
There's just something very strangely erotic about watching you stand there folding my tighty whities.
Hey,you know what? Why don't we sneak back into the other room and let's get a little jump on that second honeymoon.
- Shall I bring the laundry? - No.
The less clothes,the better,you know? I'm taking you in.
I'm taking you in,woman.
SoI'm assuming that you wanted to meet because you've made your decision.
Nope.
Well,it's pretty cut-and-dried as far as I'm concerned.
You're gonna get to see katy or you don'T.
It's kind of a no-brainer for most fathers,but then again,you're not most fathers,are you,tommy? No.
So why the dinner invite? I just thought it would be nice to have a little face-to-face time,a little get-together over some romantic food where we could talk like two mature--did you sleep with jimmy keefe? What? Did you sleep with jimmy keefe? A pretty straightforward question.
So this is why you invited me to dinner? I invited you to dinner because I know that in a public place like this that you don't like to make a scene because you're so concerned all the time about what people think about you.
Unless,of course,you're visiting your daughter's private school,in which case,I guess you don't give a shit.
Did you sleep with jimmy keefe? I am not going to answer that.
You just did.
No,I said that-- Look,sweetheart the way your spine straightened up the first time I asked you.
The little twitch that almost showed up on your cheek.
The way you just flipped your hair back--get away.
Getaway.
I know you like the back of my hand.
I know you did it.
So what would be easier for you? If I slept with jimmy back in the day before any of us got married or if I slept with him a few weeks before he died? I think I'm gonna have the veal.
You? Outside.
Now.
- Sir,there's no smoking in-- - There is now.
Get up.
Do you want me to make a scene? Is that what you want? Oh--oh,you're already making a scene.
You think this is a scene? Yeah.
How's that for a goddamn scene? Outside.
Sir,your cigarette.
You got an ashtray? Thank you.
Sir,I'm calling the cops.
Yeah,make sure you sit 'em in the back.
They're animals.
Happy now? You know,you don't have a leg to stand on.
You slept with jimmy's wife.
You know,grief-stricken or not,you still slept with her.
So let's just call it even.
It's not even.
Ok? I started sleeping with sheila after we were separated.
Ok? And maybe I slept with jimmy after we were separated.
Maybe we weren't even married.
Hey,does it really matter that much? Yeah.
It matters to me.
I swear to god,I will tear this goddamn place apart piece by goddamn get away.
I want to know when.
I want to know when.
It happened about 6 months before we got married.
We both were on a mutual break.
You decided it,actually.
Probably because we both knew that we were gonna get married and you were pretty much pissing yourself 24/7 over it.
You know,I went out for drinks one night with a bunch of people and sheila and jimmy were on a mutual break,and I guess that we both wanted one last fling.
And what could be safer,you know,than with each other? It was nothing.
But it wasn't meaningless.
Because it gave us our bearings back and made us know who we each belonged with.
Now,why do you think that i called you 4 days after the breakup to get back together? Oh.
And with that another evening with mr.
And mrs.
Gavin comes to an exciting yet thoroughly predictable end.
Yeah,I wonder if I can get the veal to go.
Now,remember,you want to deal with that stain soon because it's gonna set that way.
Sooner is better.
Yeah,and don't rub.
You gotta blot.
I got a nice bottle of club soda in the car,take that right out.
Hey.
Me,too.
We got a couple when we got the call,so Oh,that's so,so sweet.
And thank you.
Thank you so much.
But I'm fine.
No worries.
Hey,if you have any more problems with him,again,just give us a call.
I certainly will.
Thank you,again.
No,thank you.
You know,I think if you'd actually showed 'em your pussy I could have knifed the waiter and not done time.
Jesus christ.
You know what? Just don't do what you normally do now in a situation like this.
OK? Which is what,swear off dinner dates with you for the next 6 months? Bye,assholes.
No,call sheila.
You get a few drinks in you,you call sheila,you head to her house,you have a few more drinks,and I think we all know what happens from there.
Yeah.
Or,you know,you could do what you normally do,which is sleep with another male member of the gavin family.
Oh,that's right--there's none left.
I'm not calling sheila,ok,for your information.
It's not part of my game plan tonight.
Ok? Oh.
Was part of your game plan calling the other chick? Oh,yeah.
Damian told shawn who told colleen.
Ok,that was damian's date.
I was being a good godfather,that's what I was doing,ok? Oh,so now you're the michael corleone of the fdny.
Yes.
Yes,I'm--I-- I am michael.
Yeah.
It's more like fredo.
Yeah.
I'm not fredo! Hello.
Hey.
- It's,uh,me.
- Who? Fredo--tommy.
Tommy,hey.
How are you? Good.
Good.
How you doin'? Good.
And,listen,I'm gonna be here all night if you want to bring it over.
I'm sorry,bring over what? Who is this? It's tommy.
Tommy gavin.
The mechanic? The fireman.
Oh.
Sorry.
Jesus christ.
I know a lot of tommys.
You know a lot of tommy gavins? I'm not good with last names.
What do you want? Well,I was just wondering if you--if you wanted to,you know,maybe go out and grab a drink.
Wow.
- I'm kind of not in the mood.
- Ok.
To go out.
You know.
I'm already in.
All right.
Why don't you just come over.
- Really? - Yeah.
We can pick up where we left off last time.
Which was? I believe when the cab pulled up to my building,you were attempting to give me a free mammogram.
You remember that? Maybe.
Frankie,you got a phone call.
It's carla.
Thanks.
What's going on? Why'd you call me? I was just thinking of you and so,this is the--the,uh,your new place? Oh,it's temporary.
And this is all,uh,new stuff? It's not my stuff.
You guys didn't get there in time to save my stuff.
well,we--you know,it was a big fire.
We we try to save the people and the pets andand then we worry about the stuff.
Is this a bad time? You feel like you're being judged? I'm feeling a little yeah.
Well,you are.
You know I'm not really into boyfriends.
I was married once.
It was a total disaster.
Plus,I love my work,and I travel a lot,on top of which I'm incredibly selfish and stubborn.
I know what I want and I don't really have the patience to bullshit around it so basically I just reach out and grab whatever I have the urge for.
What's your deal? Me? I'm,you know - I justed - I can't really hear you.
II like I told you the-- the other night,you know,I'm married and Yeah,you're married,likes to drink.
What else? Well,technically still married,you know,separated since-- Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Kids.
Yeah.
My son waskilled by a drunk driver when he was9.
So Girlfriend? Uh,kind of.
Jesus christ! Chase,chase,cut to the chase.
I'm--I slept--used to sleep with my cousin's--well wife--widow.
I know,it doesn't--it's not what it sounds like.
He was killed on 9/11.
And it's very-- it's complicated.
Firefighter.
Yes.
I thought I was a mess.
But I like this.
It's intriguing.
I'm kind of a drama queen,and apparently,so are you.
No,no,no-- The david bowie eye thing works for me.
Tall and blond works for me.
Totally in my wheelhouse.
I remember the other night when you had your hands on me,they had calluses,working man hands,I like that.
And I really dug the way you kissed,too.
I should mention at this point that--'cause of my job I'm out of town mostly during the week so I'm only around on weekends,and when I'm here,I need a guy that pays full attention to my needs,in and out of bed.
We good? Great.
Now get out.
You want me to go? Yeah.
I'm gonna smoke some weed and crash.
Ok,so,what--what-- It's ok.
I just banged my head.
Ok.
Not as good as I remembered,but you'll work on that.
Ok.
Banged my head.
hey.
Sorry about your kid,by the way.
Thanks.
It's, well,you never really get over something like that,do you? No.
No.
See you.
Ok.
- Oh,hey,that's the that's the box.
- Yeah.
- Can I see what-- - No.
all right,so I guess I'm just gonna go.
Ok! You know where the door is.
I'll call you.
Ok.
You know,kelly What? Hey What? I just - What? - What? Open the door.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hi.
Listen.
I want to be completely honest with you,ok? AndI just wanted to tell you that tonight I was out having dinner by myself.
And I couldn't stop thinking about you,and I was walking after that and thinking about you and I said,you know,I'm just gonna call her.
I wasn't expecting a cab ride,I wasn't expecting any,you know,kind of hanky panky at all.
Cause the thing that stayed with me from the other night was the conversation and how you made me laugh and and even tonight,this--it was great.
It was nice.
Really? You still gotta go.
Ok.
It was a nice try,though.
A little hanky panky would have been--we don't have to do I got it.
All right,bye.
Congratulations,lou.
Second time around is the charm.
- Third time,actually.
- Shut up.
Whoa,whoa,whoa,whoa! No,no,no,no--ohh! Oh,easy,easy,easy! Get her the hell out of there! Thanks,fellas.
I'm all set.
Ask your mom to pad your curfew a few hours.
Tomorrow night,10:00.
Where's the kid? I came down here to just try and make sure that you kept your paws off my godson.
I came here to broaden his horizons.
You came down her to get him shit-faced and bang his brains out.
You know,you've got A like a triangle in your left eye.
Yes.
It's kind of like bowie.
We got some very smokin' ladies here,and I'd say 70% of them are friends and colleagues.
We got bull dykes.
Jesus christ,I'm bangin' a gay chick.
She loves red sox,I'm the yankees.
I have a hell of a lot more to offer.
And how do you figure that? Because I come with your children.
I married jimmy because he wasn't like me.
And,you know,he was really sweet up until the time when he cheated on me.
He had an affair and I found out.
Who'd you sleep with? Don't you worry about it.
Someone I knew? Tommy,come in.
Tommy,do you copy? Tommy,what is your location?come in! Aisle 8,lou.
Don't forget the avocados,goddamn it.
Well,you stuck me with bush and rumsfeld over here.
Look,the real housewives of new york city marathon starts at 8:00.
That gives me an hour to pull mexican night together.
And while I'm king shit when it comes to food prep,I'm not a goddamn miracle worker! Copy that?Are we clear? Yeah,I got that,rachael ray.
So,tom,you gonna come and check out the band's audition this weekend? Kelly gonna be there? Uh,I don't know.
Why don't you ask her?You're dating her.
I'm not dating her.
I'm trying to keep her away from damian.
Yeah,good job,by the way.
She called me again last night.
Psych.
- Just kidding,dude.
- You're so funny.
Aw,jesus.
Ma'am.
Uh,lady? I think her hearing aid's dead.
unbelievable.
Tommy,you gonna come to the audition? Listen,mike,you know I like you,ok,and I like the band.
I just--I'm getting worried that maybe you're getting your hopes up too high.
You know what I mean? Yeah,man.
I don't think I'm really getting my hopes up,though.
You know,I just want to like record an album maybe, like do a small club tour to some major cities or something,you know? All right.
You know,and maybe hit the grammys.
To watch.
Or to win.
You know,this really sucks.
We're buying food I don't even get to eat.
I want you stepping into that ring lean and hungry,pal,all right? This broad your fighting's no walk in the park.
Capers.
We need capers.
Look,frank,this chick is a pro,all right? She's a real boxer.
Now,I'm not saying you can't beat her.
I mean,we wouldn't lay the nut we did on you if we didn't think you could win, but I got it set so the odds are in her favor.
When you step in there,I want you to be ready,you understand? - All right.
- Good.
No,I said capers,not corn chips.
Capers.
Leave 'em,just leave 'em.
You know,I gotta be honest with you guys.
I'm really having second thoughts about this whole fight.
I mean,a guy fighting a dame? I mean,unless my parents have come back from beyond the grave,I don't think it's natural.
You have no idea what a caper is,do you? Just--just leave 'em and go.
- Don't listen to him,frank,all right? - Yeah.
Look,I'm sorry,lou,but as a dewy-eyed newlywed, I think you lack the ability to be objective here.
Salt.
Listen,I might be a little dewy-eyed right now.
That's only because,uh,candy and I are planning our second honeymoon.
You just got back from mohegan sun.
Yeah,but now she wants a proper honeymoon.
She wants 2 weeks on the beach.
I'm thinking turks and caicos.
Ah,sweet! Sweet? You never seen lou in a bathing suit.
Bathing suit?Who wears a bathing suit? Call turks and caicos.
Tell people to start stabbing their eyes out.
Immediately.
I'll tell you what makes it even sweeter--besides a nude lou-- is the fact that I get to plan the whole trip and she gets to pay for it.
So you know what? Right now I'm not really feeling all that anger and resentment towards the fairer sex.
Give it time,pal.
Give it time.
So what's up with the second honeymoon thing? I mean,colleen this morning said that her mom was thinking about doing a second honeymoon weekend in the berkshires with tommy.
Tommy and janet for a weekend in the mountains? How do you warn mountains? You yodel.
Girls.
I know what those are.
She still looking? Yeah.
Keep your eyes on the shelf.
She'll come to us.
- We gotta finish shopping.
- We are shopping,ok? We're pussy shopping.
All right? Firemen in the supermarket-- that's like lebron james in the open court.
It's a slam goddamn dunk.
Chicks see us,working class guys all geared up like this--heroes--carrying a shopping list? They begin to believe that we're house-trained.
She's gone.
All right,she'll be back.
Mike,get in the cart.
Do not get in the goddamn cart.
Tommy,what's your 20? Aisle 4,lou.
Oh,I thought you'd be in produce by now.
Yeah,we got hung up.
Yeah,pussy shopping.
No.
Yes.
Hey,listen,what's the deal I hear about,uh, you and janet going up to the berkshires for the weekend? Who told you about that? Don't get in that goddamn cart.
Well,you know I never divulge my sources.
Black shawn.
Of course it was black shawn.
What's the deal? What,is she trying to sway favor her way? You know,if you guys want to play patty cake with somebody'syou know private life on the telephone,pick somebody else's life,all right? Just get me my goddamn avocados.
Don't say a word about this to your mother,ok? - About what? - About the goddamn berkshires.
- When you going there?I hear it's pret - Shut up.
And don't tell her about the kelly thing either,because that was a godfather type of covering-- Yeah,yeah,whatever.
Like i give a shit.
I'm getting the avocados.
All right.
Hey,I can't get out.
Yeah,join the goddamn club.
Shit.
Lou,we got a problem.
Go.
I just saw some guy shoplift a couple of avocados.
I think he's got a steak,too.
Well,you know what? If the shoplifter is not on fire,then I really could give a shit.
You understand? They were the last 2 avocados.
- So grab him! - I'm not a cop.
Well,you're a goddamn civil servant,you little shit,so do your civic duty and go get me my avocados! Hey! Drop the produce.
He's mobile,lou! Guys!Guys! Mexican night is in peril.
Scramble! Tommy,bar the door! Got it.
Whoa,tommy! Hey! Get back here! Hey! Hey,tommy guys,where are you? **** **** Anybody got eyes on this guy? Yeah,thought you'D****Pal.
- What the hell-- - Don't you move.
It's all right.
We got him.
What are you talkin' about?Look what youse did.
The guy's a shoplifter,all right? We got it under control.
Look,check his coat,tom.
- Yeah,look at that.
- Oh,shit.
And we're halfway to lou's holy guacamole.
Well-- The last avocado!Fantastic! - Oh,god.
- Thank you.
call me.
You assholes trashed my store over a steak and 2 avocados? Get outta here before I call the cops.
Oh,yeah,call the cops.
Yeah,that's a smart move.
Where the hell were the cops when you were getting ripped off? They were nowhere.
You know who was here?We were here.
The fdny was here--ready,capable,and professional.
Hey,guys? Could I get a hand,please? He's not with us.
Yeah? Hey,I need you to come over here and hang my television.
Ok,I--I'm--I'm at work.
I'm very busy,ok? Yeah.
Come after your shift.
And by that,I mean immediately after your shift.
Listen-- you called your mother about the berkshires thing,didn't you? I didn't call her.
You called your mother about the berk--admit it.
I didn't,I swear.
Ok,I know you called her,all right? I did not call her.
Whatever.
I texted her.
Proudly Presents Season 5 Episode 20 Yeah,so anyways,like an idiot she tells colleen,and like a moron,colleen tells shawn.
Asswipe that shawn is,he tells all the guys,and of course,damian, being the mama's boy that he is,waited,what,15 seconds before he called you with the information.
Yeah,I think that janet knew exactly what she was doing.
A weekend away up in the mountains,just the two of you.
There's nothing to do but screw and hike, and I will bet you my left tit that she doesn't have any hiking boots.
She hasn't even asked me yet.
All right? So we might as well be visiting moot point up there in the mountains,because,you know All right? Well,are you gonna go to moot point? You realize the size of this thing,ok,in high def? You know,brad pitt's--those little acne hole things that he has on his face? They're gonna look like goddamn craters, like the kind of craters they have on the moon,on this thing.
Well,I guess I'll just be taking a little moon walk,then.
hey,let me ask you something.
Yeah? About jimmy,you know,uh - did you ever find out,you know-- - Who he slept with? Yeah.
It's not important anymore.
So I'm assuming,ahem,you,uh,you know,you haveproof? What,that he slept with her?Yeah.
I mean,he'd been seeing her for months.
I have the evidence.
I have cell phone records and, um,strange perfume smells,and lipstick.
The whole nine yards.
Plus,I caught them together.
What do you mean,in bed? No,worse.
There's something worse? Yes.
A nice quiet candlelight dinner in my favorite spot in little italy.
Stannatto's? Oh,boy.
And,you know,I walked in and they were holding hands and they were kissing Over luscious plates of angel hair pasta.
Oh,what an idiot.
With the white sauce.
Which you know is my favorite.
Take off your tool belt.
But I--I'm supposed to,uh-- No,take off your tool belt, but leave it close by in case i want to play with it.
And take off your shirt and lay down.
I'm not asking you,I'm telling you,ok? Because this may be the last time that we have sex, and I think that we should make it a doozy! All right.
- What,uh-- - Shh! You ok? Yeah.
Go on,finish yours.
Yeah.
Now lay down.
Ok.
All right.
Hey.
Where'd you get those? I had them left over.
Is that for me or for-- oh,ok.
They come as the,uh,one package there? Yeah,you gotta stretch 'em out,but,yeah.
That feel good? Yeah.
- You comfy? - Yeah.
Ok.
What are you gonna do? Lots of things.
Really? Do you want to know some more about jimmy? No.
You were asking.
Yeah,but not right now.
Oh! I'll tell you something.
I knew because it was in his walk it was in his hands it was in the way that he touched me.
This little invisible tremor That snuck down his fingertips.
And I knew Hey.
- She gave this to him.
- Yeah? - I found it.
- Right.
And I stole it.
Little empire state building.
So cute.
I don't know,I guess that she loved that tom hanks-meg ryan movie - where they meet up on-- - Sleepless in seattle? What? You don't know hamlet but you know this? Janet made me see it like 4 times.
- What-- - Don't you talk about janet here now.
I'm sorry.
Is that hard? Did I hit you hard? It was fine.
I'm sorry.
Did I hurt you? No.
When jimmy died Um,yeah The only person who I felt knew - How I felt - Yeah.
Who understood how I felt Was you.
And when our passion started to pop,that is when it dawned on me Yeah? Hey,hey,hey This is what you're all about.
Ok.
Uh,what are you doing? - This - Sheil - Is what makes you move.
- Hey.
- It's what makes you breathe.
- Hey.
- And behave.
- Hey,cut the shit.
Your marriage Was only worth something to you when it was falling apart.
- Right? - Stop it.
When it was working - you didn't feel anything.
- Stop it.
- Not a dash of anything.
- Stop it.
Right? Because normalcy bores you.
And I don't even care about this other new chick.
Ok? She's not important to me in the least.
Because you know what? - Do you really think that- Sheila-- She - or janet or any other-- - Hey,hey.
Hot,devoted - Animal on this earth-- - Cut this shit! Would make you twist like this? Huh? And then Oh have you hard as a rock the next second? Yeah,I don't think so.
Listen do you want to wake up to some sort of challenge, some sort of shock,a sweet electrical charge every single day of your life? Even after you stop firefighting? Then I'm your best bet.
That plasma ain't gonna hang itself.
Jesus christ.
Shit.
Hey.
It wasn't janet,by the way.
In case you were wondering.
Yeah,just thought I'd tell you.
What,did you think I was a scumbag like you? Now,listen,regardless of whatever I did or whatever reasons I might have had, I never would have slept with janet if the tide was reversed, you know what I mean? Like if you died in the world trade center instead of me, sheila and me,we might have been said and done with--who knows? But no way I would have slept with your old lady.
That's just me.
Ok? Code of honor,cuz.
The brotherhood,right? Yeah.
By the way,you ought to take the deal sheila's offering.
Take it and run with it.
'Cause the two of you are gonna end up killing each other either way.
Might as well go out with that great big goddamn blaze of glory.
Hey! Jimmy! Hey! Yeah? Nothin'.
All right,you all set? Yep.
Teddy's granddad bottle's filled with johnny blue.
Mickey's old wolfschmidt bottle is filled with grey goose.
These ginger ale bottles here--filled with ellie's cristal.
These guys are not even drinking what the customers are drinking.
Well,have you tasted what the customers are drinking? Good point.
Hey,I,uh,i spilled some of that wild turkey on my jeans.
Burned a hole right through.
Got a bad case of the old thigh hives.
Thigh hives? Yeah,you don't want to know.
What it is,is this horrible rash that happens on your inner thigh.
It's like really pimply.
You squeeze it,nothing happens.
No pus,no no pain,nothing.
It's really weird.
It's very oh,you didn't--you didn't want to know.
Yeah,I'm gonna check Guys,I'm having pangs.
What do you mean? You hungry? - Guilt pangs.
- About what? From this.
This.
Paying teddy,ellie,and mickey all confirmed self-confessed alcoholics paying them to drink.
Here.
With these kids.
These asshole hipsters.
I'm an alcoholic,too,and I think it's sick.
I really,really do.
So you're bucking for a little pay raise? It's not about the money.
I'll give you an extra 50 cents an hour.
It's the principle.
One dollar extra an hour.
It goes against the entire premise of my program.
- A buck fifty.
Highest I'm going.
- Done.
Nice work.
- Excuse me.
- Yes? Are those pickled eggs in that jar? Why,yes,they are.
Cool.
How do they taste? Like both: Shit.
- That is so dope.
- Yeah.
- Could we get2? - Yeah.
You got it.
5 bucks.
Yeah.
Well,look what the cat dragged in.
So it's all true.
You have reached your lowest ebb ever,tommy.
Thank you.
Did you call her? No,I called him.
She promised that we would never have to have sex again.
We're never having sex again,right? Not if your cancer-ridden microscopic little penis was the last one on earth.
Well,thank god.
I'm gonna go get your eggs.
You know,his his penis is orange now.
Let me guess--jergens self-tanner.
How'd you hear about that? Well,it's not the first time it's happened.
I mean,at least it's not the icy hot.
Oh,my god.
So you don't mind using our alcoholic family as a shill for your bar business? Let me tell you something,ok? This place is a license to print money.
These hipster kids--you slap a piece of ham and some cheese on 2 slices of rye they call it an old school sandwich--we charge 12 bucks.
Ok? It's a goddamn gold mine.
But,I mean,you don't have any moral qualms about this? I mean Let me think.
No.
Not a one.
Hey,back off,sister.
What is this? Don't talk to me,ellie.
I mean,you guys are in need of some medical attention,all of you.
I'm not kidding.
Look at you.
Listen,what we need is for assholes such as yourself to not judge us.
Tommy's not forcing anybody to drink here.
Every cocktail that is poured down each of our thirsty little throats is poured by the person in charge.
In my case,it's me.
Thanks,ellie.
You're welcome,tommy.
Listen,pour me another jameson's,would you,please? - Canadian club.
- Canadian club.
Whatever.
Tommy,are they fighting? Yeahright on schedule.
Stick around another 5 or 10 minutes,you might even get to see ellie flash her tits.
Man: Look at the size of those nipples! - she's early tonight.
- gross.
Bye! Hey,what do you think about puerto rico? Yeah,I know.
Too many puerto ricans.
What about 2 weeks in hawaii? There's beautiful beaches,helicopter tours,volcanoes.
We could learn to surf.
Why don't we just do the caribbean,you know? I mean,it's not that expensive.
We don't have to go overboard here.
Why not? I've got the money.
I know.
It's our honeymoon.
We're gonna make memories to last the rest of our lives.
It may as well be something extravagant.
What? Nothing.
There's just something very strangely erotic about watching you stand there folding my tighty whities.
Hey,you know what? Why don't we sneak back into the other room and let's get a little jump on that second honeymoon.
- Shall I bring the laundry? - No.
The less clothes,the better,you know? I'm taking you in.
I'm taking you in,woman.
SoI'm assuming that you wanted to meet because you've made your decision.
Nope.
Well,it's pretty cut-and-dried as far as I'm concerned.
You're gonna get to see katy or you don'T.
It's kind of a no-brainer for most fathers,but then again,you're not most fathers,are you,tommy? No.
So why the dinner invite? I just thought it would be nice to have a little face-to-face time,a little get-together over some romantic food where we could talk like two mature--did you sleep with jimmy keefe? What? Did you sleep with jimmy keefe? A pretty straightforward question.
So this is why you invited me to dinner? I invited you to dinner because I know that in a public place like this that you don't like to make a scene because you're so concerned all the time about what people think about you.
Unless,of course,you're visiting your daughter's private school,in which case,I guess you don't give a shit.
Did you sleep with jimmy keefe? I am not going to answer that.
You just did.
No,I said that-- Look,sweetheart the way your spine straightened up the first time I asked you.
The little twitch that almost showed up on your cheek.
The way you just flipped your hair back--get away.
Getaway.
I know you like the back of my hand.
I know you did it.
So what would be easier for you? If I slept with jimmy back in the day before any of us got married or if I slept with him a few weeks before he died? I think I'm gonna have the veal.
You? Outside.
Now.
- Sir,there's no smoking in-- - There is now.
Get up.
Do you want me to make a scene? Is that what you want? Oh--oh,you're already making a scene.
You think this is a scene? Yeah.
How's that for a goddamn scene? Outside.
Sir,your cigarette.
You got an ashtray? Thank you.
Sir,I'm calling the cops.
Yeah,make sure you sit 'em in the back.
They're animals.
Happy now? You know,you don't have a leg to stand on.
You slept with jimmy's wife.
You know,grief-stricken or not,you still slept with her.
So let's just call it even.
It's not even.
Ok? I started sleeping with sheila after we were separated.
Ok? And maybe I slept with jimmy after we were separated.
Maybe we weren't even married.
Hey,does it really matter that much? Yeah.
It matters to me.
I swear to god,I will tear this goddamn place apart piece by goddamn get away.
I want to know when.
I want to know when.
It happened about 6 months before we got married.
We both were on a mutual break.
You decided it,actually.
Probably because we both knew that we were gonna get married and you were pretty much pissing yourself 24/7 over it.
You know,I went out for drinks one night with a bunch of people and sheila and jimmy were on a mutual break,and I guess that we both wanted one last fling.
And what could be safer,you know,than with each other? It was nothing.
But it wasn't meaningless.
Because it gave us our bearings back and made us know who we each belonged with.
Now,why do you think that i called you 4 days after the breakup to get back together? Oh.
And with that another evening with mr.
And mrs.
Gavin comes to an exciting yet thoroughly predictable end.
Yeah,I wonder if I can get the veal to go.
Now,remember,you want to deal with that stain soon because it's gonna set that way.
Sooner is better.
Yeah,and don't rub.
You gotta blot.
I got a nice bottle of club soda in the car,take that right out.
Hey.
Me,too.
We got a couple when we got the call,so Oh,that's so,so sweet.
And thank you.
Thank you so much.
But I'm fine.
No worries.
Hey,if you have any more problems with him,again,just give us a call.
I certainly will.
Thank you,again.
No,thank you.
You know,I think if you'd actually showed 'em your pussy I could have knifed the waiter and not done time.
Jesus christ.
You know what? Just don't do what you normally do now in a situation like this.
OK? Which is what,swear off dinner dates with you for the next 6 months? Bye,assholes.
No,call sheila.
You get a few drinks in you,you call sheila,you head to her house,you have a few more drinks,and I think we all know what happens from there.
Yeah.
Or,you know,you could do what you normally do,which is sleep with another male member of the gavin family.
Oh,that's right--there's none left.
I'm not calling sheila,ok,for your information.
It's not part of my game plan tonight.
Ok? Oh.
Was part of your game plan calling the other chick? Oh,yeah.
Damian told shawn who told colleen.
Ok,that was damian's date.
I was being a good godfather,that's what I was doing,ok? Oh,so now you're the michael corleone of the fdny.
Yes.
Yes,I'm--I-- I am michael.
Yeah.
It's more like fredo.
Yeah.
I'm not fredo! Hello.
Hey.
- It's,uh,me.
- Who? Fredo--tommy.
Tommy,hey.
How are you? Good.
Good.
How you doin'? Good.
And,listen,I'm gonna be here all night if you want to bring it over.
I'm sorry,bring over what? Who is this? It's tommy.
Tommy gavin.
The mechanic? The fireman.
Oh.
Sorry.
Jesus christ.
I know a lot of tommys.
You know a lot of tommy gavins? I'm not good with last names.
What do you want? Well,I was just wondering if you--if you wanted to,you know,maybe go out and grab a drink.
Wow.
- I'm kind of not in the mood.
- Ok.
To go out.
You know.
I'm already in.
All right.
Why don't you just come over.
- Really? - Yeah.
We can pick up where we left off last time.
Which was? I believe when the cab pulled up to my building,you were attempting to give me a free mammogram.
You remember that? Maybe.
Frankie,you got a phone call.
It's carla.
Thanks.
What's going on? Why'd you call me? I was just thinking of you and so,this is the--the,uh,your new place? Oh,it's temporary.
And this is all,uh,new stuff? It's not my stuff.
You guys didn't get there in time to save my stuff.
well,we--you know,it was a big fire.
We we try to save the people and the pets andand then we worry about the stuff.
Is this a bad time? You feel like you're being judged? I'm feeling a little yeah.
Well,you are.
You know I'm not really into boyfriends.
I was married once.
It was a total disaster.
Plus,I love my work,and I travel a lot,on top of which I'm incredibly selfish and stubborn.
I know what I want and I don't really have the patience to bullshit around it so basically I just reach out and grab whatever I have the urge for.
What's your deal? Me? I'm,you know - I justed - I can't really hear you.
II like I told you the-- the other night,you know,I'm married and Yeah,you're married,likes to drink.
What else? Well,technically still married,you know,separated since-- Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Kids.
Yeah.
My son waskilled by a drunk driver when he was9.
So Girlfriend? Uh,kind of.
Jesus christ! Chase,chase,cut to the chase.
I'm--I slept--used to sleep with my cousin's--well wife--widow.
I know,it doesn't--it's not what it sounds like.
He was killed on 9/11.
And it's very-- it's complicated.
Firefighter.
Yes.
I thought I was a mess.
But I like this.
It's intriguing.
I'm kind of a drama queen,and apparently,so are you.
No,no,no-- The david bowie eye thing works for me.
Tall and blond works for me.
Totally in my wheelhouse.
I remember the other night when you had your hands on me,they had calluses,working man hands,I like that.
And I really dug the way you kissed,too.
I should mention at this point that--'cause of my job I'm out of town mostly during the week so I'm only around on weekends,and when I'm here,I need a guy that pays full attention to my needs,in and out of bed.
We good? Great.
Now get out.
You want me to go? Yeah.
I'm gonna smoke some weed and crash.
Ok,so,what--what-- It's ok.
I just banged my head.
Ok.
Not as good as I remembered,but you'll work on that.
Ok.
Banged my head.
hey.
Sorry about your kid,by the way.
Thanks.
It's, well,you never really get over something like that,do you? No.
No.
See you.
Ok.
- Oh,hey,that's the that's the box.
- Yeah.
- Can I see what-- - No.
all right,so I guess I'm just gonna go.
Ok! You know where the door is.
I'll call you.
Ok.
You know,kelly What? Hey What? I just - What? - What? Open the door.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hi.
Listen.
I want to be completely honest with you,ok? AndI just wanted to tell you that tonight I was out having dinner by myself.
And I couldn't stop thinking about you,and I was walking after that and thinking about you and I said,you know,I'm just gonna call her.
I wasn't expecting a cab ride,I wasn't expecting any,you know,kind of hanky panky at all.
Cause the thing that stayed with me from the other night was the conversation and how you made me laugh and and even tonight,this--it was great.
It was nice.
Really? You still gotta go.
Ok.
It was a nice try,though.
A little hanky panky would have been--we don't have to do I got it.
All right,bye.