Star Trek: Deep Space Nine s05e20 Episode Script
Ferengi Love Songs
Who's winning the war? It's too early to tell.
It's been three days.
Don't remind me.
They found a nest.
Well, that's good.
It's not the main nest.
That's not so good.
I thought Chief O'Brien trapped the last vole on the station months ago.
Well, obviously, he missed a couple a married couple.
They breed like tribbles.
But they're not as cute.
They're disgusting hairy little creatures with ravenous appetites, and I want them gone.
Oh, Quark.
I know, I know this is just a temporary setback.
The bar will open again, and I can get back to my life.
I'm glad you realize that.
The only trouble is, I hate my life.
Come in.
Hello, Brother.
What do you want? You have every right to be depressed, Brother.
Ever since you were blacklisted by the Ferengi Commerce Authority it's been one thing after another, but I have some news that's going to cheer you up.
I doubt it.
Trust me on this one, Brother.
I'm about to make you very, very happy.
Really? Really.
Come on in.
What's she doing here? We're getting married! Oh I wish I was dead.
He's been a little depressed lately.
I don't want to live.
I think you need someone to talk to someone to pamper you.
I think I need to be alone.
You know who I talk to when I'm feeling a little low? Yeah, me.
Not when it's something really important.
Let me guess Chief O'Brien? That's not a bad guess.
Rom just tell me who it is.
Then you can leave, and I can go back to my brooding.
There's only one person in my life who's always been there for me who's never too busy to listen who reassures me when I'm scared comforts me when I'm sad and who showers me with endless love without ever asking anything in return.
I'd like to meet this person.
So would I.
You already know her.
And she'll always be there for you, Brother with open arms.
Quark? Mother.
Moogie hold me.
Of all the Bajoran prophecies I think my favorite is Horran's Seventh The one that starts: "He will come to the palace "carrying a chalice" "Bearing no malice" "Overflowing with sweet spring wine.
" Someone's been studying the ancient texts.
It's important to Leeta.
She wants a traditional Bajoran wedding.
And you've agreed to it? Oh, that's very sweet, Rom.
Is she doing the same for you? I mean, learning to be a Ferengi woman? Memorizing the Rules of Acquisition Not likely.
No, Leeta's not the type of woman to quit her job stop wearing clothes and never go out in public again.
That's okay.
I just want her to be happy.
That's a very enlightened attitude, Rom.
Rom is not your traditional Ferengi male.
I guess not.
You're probably the least Ferengi-like Ferengi I've ever met.
I guess so.
Oh, that's not a bad thing, Rom.
No traditional Ferengi male could ever marry a non-Ferengi and be happy.
Well, he could never trust her.
So you see, Moogie, the voles aren't the real problem.
They're just a symbol for everything else that's gone wrong in my life.
You've had a tough year, Quark.
That's an understatement.
I see all these great opportunities out there and I can't do anything about them.
Without a Ferengi business license it's like I don't exist.
I understand why you felt the need to escape for a while, but why come here? I had no place else to go.
Are you sure about that? Oh, now, don't give me that look.
You and I both know we've never really gotten along.
You disapprove of me, Quark.
You always have.
"Moogie, stop wearing clothes.
" "Moogie, stop earning profit.
" You have stopped, haven't you? I mean, earning profit.
Wearing clothes is bad enough, but profit You see what I mean? I know the two of us living under the same roof isn't going to be easy, but you're my mother and I love you.
And I love you, too, Quark.
But when you say "living together" what are we talking about a day, a week? Two weeks? I don't know.
I guess until I start feeling better unless, of course, you don't want me.
You're my son.
How could I refuse you? Then you'll remove all that unnecessary clothing? Don't push your luck.
Where are you going? To my room.
I'm exhausted.
What you need is some of your mother's cooking some nice, juicy tube grubs.
I never liked your tube grubs.
I'll pre-chew them for you.
Maybe later.
Hello, room.
Where's all my stuff? If she's thrown out my Marauder Mo action figures Grand Nagus? Quark, what are you doing here? Uh I'm visiting my mother.
That's no excuse! You've been banned by the FCA.
You must leave Ferenginar at once! Got to go.
The Nagus, he knows I'm here.
Wait a minute.
What's the Nagus doing in my closet? The Nagus? Moogie? Zekkie! You might as well come out! "Zekkie"? What's going on? The next time you visit I'd really appreciate it if you called first.
That doesn't answer my question.
"Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer.
" Rule of Acquisition 208.
You're in trouble again, aren't you? What have you done now? Whatever it is, I had nothing to do with it.
Tell him, Moogie.
Tell him I'm innocent.
Relax, Quark.
I'm not in any trouble.
You're not? Why would she be in trouble? I don't know.
L-l-I just thought, since you're here Uh I don't I don't know what I thought.
I'm so confused.
About what? It's all really quite simple.
You see, Quark, uh your mother and I, uh are in love.
How did you two meet? We met at the global tongo championships.
That's right.
I was playing in the Golden Masters Division.
And I was tucked away in the subbasement playing in the Female Division.
Anyway, word leaked down to us that the Grand Nagus was having a little difficulty with his game.
Well, for some reason my purchases kept exceeding my sales.
So I wrote him a note offering some helpful pointers on how to firm up his game.
And they worked.
I made a spectacular comeback and won the tournament for the 27th year in a row.
Zekkie sent me a very nice "thank you" note.
Before I knew it, we were corresponding regularly.
Your mother's letters became the highlight of each day.
It was clear we had to meet.
Imagine his surprise when he found out I was a female and your mother, no less.
I almost had a stroke but, uh I recovered.
And we've been seeing each other ever since.
Does anyone know about this? Of course, no one knows and you're going to keep it that way.
My lips are sealed.
They'd better be.
Oh, jellied gree worms.
Maihar'du, you are too good to me.
Mm, mm, mm, mm.
He treats me like a queen.
That's because you deserve no less.
Zekkie, they don't come any sweeter than you.
I don't believe it.
What's that, Quark? Uh, nothing.
I've never seen you looking happier.
That's because I've never felt happier.
Well, my dear time to get back to running the Empire.
Try not to miss me too much.
I miss you already.
That's my girl.
Oh, Lobekins don't forget your appointment calendar.
Thank you, my prize.
Your mother is a rare jewel, Quark.
Worship her as I do.
Incredible.
Quark if you're going to give me a hard time about this Give you a hard time? You and the Nagus? I couldn't be happier for all of us.
No sign of a single vole.
I think we got them all.
Chief, is it all right if I take a slightly longer lunch than usual? I need Leeta to sign this.
The Waiver of Property and Profit.
Ferengi females aren't allowed to own property or earn profit.
The WP&P states that, in the event the marriage ends the female gives up all claim to her husband's estate.
And you expect Leeta to agree to this? I agreed to wear the earring.
So either Leeta signs this or the wedding's off.
I may not be a traditional Ferengi but I'm still a Ferengi.
It's your life but I think you're making a big mistake.
I think I'd be making a bigger mistake if I didn't.
Besides, Leeta loves me.
You'll see, Chief.
She'll sign it.
Are you crazy? I'm not going to sign this.
Why not? Because a marriage is about sharing everything including money.
Not on Ferenginar.
We're not on Ferenginar.
But I'm a Ferengi.
And I'm not.
"Females and finances don't mix.
" Rule of Acquisition 94.
That's a stupid rule.
It's true.
You're just like her.
You're after my money.
Like who? My first wife pretending that you care about me but, all the time, it's my profits that you really care about.
Rom I love you not your latinum.
Then prove it.
Sign the WP&P.
Never.
Then the marriage is off.
You bet it is.
My dear, you reek of tube grubs.
So do you, Lobekins.
Are your ears tingling? Mine, too.
So tell me, Nagus how was your day? Oh, you know how it is.
Arcybite ore futures are continuing to increase and the Bolians have finally agreed to allow the Ferengi Gaming Commission to take over all their gambling emporiums.
And and Huh? Mm Oh! I have decided to allocate extra funds for research on a new breed of Hupyrian beetles.
Those little fellows are going to revolutionize the entire beetle snuff industry.
Now that's what I call a busy and productive day.
No wonder the Ferengi economy is growing at a record pace.
Costs are down, profits are up And opportunity is around every corner.
Zekkie, you've done quite a job.
And your people love you for it your business acumen, your negotiation skills your kindness and generosity.
Forget it, Quark.
I'm not going to reverse the FCA's decision.
They revoked your business license and they're the ones who are going to have to reinstate it.
But you're the most powerful man on Ferenginar.
You can do whatever you want.
True, but contracts are the very basis of our society and you broke a contract with another Ferengi.
If I were to intervene on your behalf I would be encouraging others to violate the law! And that I will not do! Moogie talk to him.
He makes a very good point, Quark.
What you did was wrong.
Thanks.
I knew I could count on you.
And I'd watch my tone of voice if I were you.
Well, my dear, shall we take a stroll in your garden? Oh, and, Quark, will you do me a favor? Help Maihar'du clear the table.
He's not as young as he used to be.
Brunt, FCA.
What are you doing in my closet?! Conducting official FCA business.
In my closet? I didn't want the "happy couple" to see me.
Happy couple? Oh, don't play innocent with me.
I know all about their perverted little love affair.
I had nothing to do with it.
They met playing tongo.
I only found out about it today.
She's your mother, Quark and that makes you responsible.
And right now, she's endangering the very foundation of Ferengi society.
I can see her now, whispering in the Nagus' ear contaminating his very thoughts with her twisted female philosophies.
I tell you, Quark if we don't put an end to their relationship you're going to see clothed females walking down the streets of Ferenginar in broad daylight.
If I had my way I'd climb to the top of the Tower of Commerce and denounce your mother to the crowd below but we must spare the Nagus even a hint of public disgrace.
We've got to put an end to their relationship but privately.
Quietly.
So, what are you going to do? I'm not going to do anything.
You are.
Me? Who else? She's your mother, and the Nagus for reasons that elude me completely likes you.
You're in the perfect position to poison their relationship.
Why should I help you? You revoked my business license.
I'll give you a new one.
You've got a deal.
Once again, O Nagus, you have proven that you have the wisest lobes in all of Ferenginar.
That's what they pay me for, eh? I need to speak to the Nagus.
It's a personal matter nothing for you to worry about.
What do you want, Quark? I just dropped by to pay my respects.
Well, in that case, pay them.
Oh.
Feel better? Now go.
Before I do I just want to say how proud I am that you consider my home your home.
My mother is a very lucky woman.
And I am a very lucky man.
I guess the only one around here who isn't lucky is you, Quark.
I just think it's great that she's found someone who cares for her so deeply that he can ignore all those vicious rumors about her.
Oh, you mean the rumors about her earning profit? I know that whole story.
The FCA made her give up every strip of latinum she made.
I'm talking about the other rumors.
The ones that say that she hasn't given it all back.
Oh, nonsense.
Of course, it is, and the wildest rumor has to be what she plans to do with her fortune that she's going to fund a political revolution to end the male domination on Ferenginar.
You mean equal rights for females? It's crazy, isn't it? I mean, so what if she wears clothing or that she's managed to worm her way into the heart of the most influential Ferengi alive.
Those aren't crimes, are they? Absolutely not.
And what if she's as cunning and ruthless as any male? That doesn't mean that she's not to be trusted does it? The important thing is that she loves you and that you're not some pawn in her plans for world domination.
World domination? By a female?! It's a horrifying thought.
Luckily, they're just rumors.
Rumors.
Well, time to go.
I'll see you tonight, Nagus.
I know Moogie can hardly wait.
For what? For you to get home.
Now that he mentions it she really has no business wearing clothes i-in front of her Nagus.
I should start dinner.
Zekkie'll be here any minute.
What do you say to some nice slug steaks? I'm not hungry.
Quark, the power cells are empty.
I must have been too depressed to notice.
It's the FCA ban, isn't it? It's awful.
You don't know what it's like to be denied the opportunity to earn profit.
Oh, yes, I do.
I know exactly what it's like.
It's worse for a male.
Is it? Moogie I'm in no mood to argue politics right now.
I'm too distressed.
All right, Quark.
I'll talk to the Nagus.
I'll see if I can convince him to intercede on your behalf.
Oh, Moogie.
You're a manipulative, self-centered conniver.
Thank you.
Now, Zek'll be here any minute.
I'll make myself scarce.
Good luck.
I'm counting on you.
Commander, I'm sorry if the Klingons are unhappy but station rules are station rules.
I am well aware of station rules but General Martok is a great warrior.
And he has no business being in a holding cell.
He threw one of his men off that crossway.
That was a disciplinary measure.
Oh.
Besides, K'retok was not injured.
He was barely shaken up.
As opposed to the Bolian Ambassador.
K'retok only missed her by a centimeter.
But he did miss her.
Constable release General Martok.
Sir Mr.
Worf, tell the General that this is not a Klingon space station.
If he can't abide by the regulations I'm sure Chancellor Gowron will send us someone who can.
Understood.
Constable? Understood.
Do you hear that? Rom? Are you all right? I'm fine Captain.
Thanks for asking.
The wedding is off.
I'm sorry.
Don't be, Captain.
These are tears of joy.
Carry on.
I hate him.
No, you don't.
All he loves is latinum.
No, he doesn't.
Canceling that wedding was the best thing that ever happened to me.
No, it isn't.
I am so glad he's out of my life.
No, you're not.
Major you haven't been listening to me.
Yes, I have.
It's how I know you love him.
Moogie! I'm home! So, how'd it go? Am I reinstated? What's wrong? Did the Nagus say no? Don't you think about anyone but yourself? Of course, I do.
I just think about myself first.
Now tell me, what's wrong? He left me.
All I asked him was to reinstate your license and the next thing I know, he's accusing me of plotting to overthrow the government.
That's ridiculous.
He said I didn't really love him that I was just using him that I was a scheming, profit-hungry female who couldn't keep her clothes off.
The nerve.
Oh, Quark I don't know what I'm going to do without him.
I don't know what he's going to do without me.
Moogie, I'm sorry, but these things happen.
It's probably better this way.
No, it isn't.
It's a disaster for all of us.
Brunt, FCA.
I hope you've had a productive day.
I certainly have.
You're smiling, Quark.
Therefore, I assume your mother is not.
It's hard to smile when you have a broken heart.
Now, about my business license As of this moment, it's as valid as my own.
Congratulations, Quark.
You're a Ferengi again.
I always was.
Breakfast.
I'm not hungry.
Moogie, you have to eat something.
Why? Because life goes on.
There are other slugs in the sea.
You're leaving, aren't you? You're going back to Deep Space 9.
How did you know that? You spent all morning jellying gree worms which tells me that your conscience is bothering you.
You feel guilty about leaving me alone.
Well, don't.
I don't need you.
I don't need anyone.
Okay.
Then, I'll go pack.
Who could that be? Hello, Rom.
It's Quark.
Quark that's what I said.
I want to see you in the Tower of Commerce right away.
Don't keep me waiting.
Why is the Nagus calling you? I have no idea.
I bet it's about me.
I doubt it.
But then it could be.
Either way, I'll do all I can to straighten things out between the two of you.
That's a promise.
You want me to be First Clerk to the Nagus? That's right, Quark my own personal financial assistant.
What do you say? Why me? Consider it a reward for saving me from that wretched mother of yours.
What about my bar? Do you want to be a bartender all your life? I'm offering you something more the chance to participate in the major decisions that shape this glorious financial empire of ours.
Well, when you put it that way Good.
Then you can begin by briefing me on today's petitioners.
I need your access code.
It's not working.
You must have put them in wrong.
Nope.
Maybe it's 1-5-4.
No, that isn't it either.
But I don't understand.
What did I say those first numbers were? Three, seven, four? Are those right? You're confusing me! L-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.
Oh! It was a six.
What was? The last number.
Well, isn't that what I just said?! A lifetime of numbers you can't blame me for forgetting a few.
Let's get down to business.
Who's the first petitioner? Um DaiMon Igel.
He wants to know whether he should sell his duranium interests on the open market or on the Futures Exchange.
An interesting question.
Well, don't just stand there! Let's see how duranium's been doing.
Over the last three trading cycles there's been an increase of seven and three-quarters a decrease of two and an eighth, and another increase of 11 and three-eighths.
Oh.
That's a gain of 18 points.
Actually, that's 17.
What are you talking about?! Seven and three-quarters minus two and one-ninth is seven Oh, who cares about duranium anyway? DaiMon Igel.
DaiMon Igel? Who's he? Do I like him? Come in.
Hello, Chief.
I need that phase calibrator I leant you the other day.
It's in my tool kit by the door.
Rom, what are you doing? These are my profits, Chief my entire fortune.
It may be small, but it's mine.
Why the two piles? I'm thinking of giving this pile to Leeta.
That way, maybe she'll sign the WP&P.
You're offering her a bribe? Bribes can be very effective.
But if she signs the waiver, then she can't own anything so, she'll have to give it all back to you.
Right.
That's not going to work, is it? Rom, I don't think there's any way you're going to convince Leeta to sign that waiver.
Have you ever looked at latinum? I mean, really looked at it? It's so beautiful not to mention, smooth to the touch.
Do you want Leeta back or not? "Latinum lasts longer than lust.
" Rule of Acquisition 229.
Maybe, but lust can be a lot more fun.
Now, answer the question.
Do you want her back or not? I'd give anything to hold her in my arms again.
Anything? One jumja stick, please.
One jumja stick, please.
What flavor? Actually I don't like jumja sticks.
Then what do you want, Rom? I want you to marry me.
I'm not signing that waiver.
You don't have to not anymore.
I don't have any profit left to protect.
I don't understand.
I gave all my latinum to Major Kira for the Bajoran War Orphans Fund.
She kissed me.
Oh, Rom! You did that for me? I did it for us.
Now we have nothing but our love.
That's all we need.
That and my salary from Quark's.
Well done, Chief or should I call you Cupid? What can I say? I'm just an incurable romantic.
Quark, where have you been all day? With the Nagus.
He made me his First Clerk.
I see.
Well, then you've had a miserable day haven't you? The worst day of my life.
How'd you know? The Market Exchange is down 199 points.
I don't know if I should tell you this but I have to tell someone.
The Nagus, he is I know.
His memory isn't what it used to be.
Did you try stroking his lobes? No, I didn't stroke his lobes.
It helps focus him.
It's also not a bad idea if you repeat what you say to him.
Sometimes it takes two, even three times before he'll retain it.
You two weren't just lovers.
You were helping him run things.
You're the power behind the throne? Well, I wouldn't go that far.
I just helped him a little guided him.
A leveraged buyout here some momentum investing there Why didn't you tell me? If I'd known what was going on, I never would have Never would have what? Oh, Quark.
You turned Zek against me, didn't you? You filled his head with all those lies about me.
I didn't know.
Who put you up to this? Who do you think? Brunt.
What did he offer you? Your business license back? "A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
" You taught me that.
The Rules of Acquisition aren't going to help you now, Quark.
A 199-point slide.
And that's just the beginning.
Congratulations, Quark.
You've not only destroyed my life and Zek's life you may have triggered the destruction of the entire Ferengi economy.
I hope it was worth it.
My, aren't we early today.
But I suppose after yesterday's fiasco we have no alternative.
A 199-point plummet! Haven't seen that steep a market slide since Grand Nagus Smeet and you know what happened to him? The only Grand Nagus to be assassinated while in office.
What was the name of his First Clerk? I believe they buried them together.
I'm sure we'll do better today.
No, you won't.
The Market Exchange will remain closed today.
The FCA Board of Liquidators has called an emergency meeting with the Grand Nagus.
We have some questions to ask him.
And by the time we're through you'll both be out of a job.
Why are you picking on me? I've done everything you asked, haven't I? Everything.
Oh Grand Nagus Brunt.
Daddy will be so proud.
You knew the truth about the Nagus all along, didn't you? You mean, about Zek's failing memory? Let me think.
Hmm Well, you know, now that you mention it yes, I did.
That's why you wanted to destroy his relationship with my mother, not to protect him but to expose him.
I couldn't have done it without you.
I feel almost grateful which is why I'm going to let you keep your new business license.
Now, put down those padds, pack your things and scurry on back to that little bar of yours.
So, how come you're still here, Quark? After all, Brunt is right.
You should be back on Deep Space 9 celebrating your victory.
You've proven yourself a true Ferengi.
You've betrayed friends and family for personal gain.
It sounds so good when you say it.
But? I think I've been hanging around hu-mans too long.
I think I'm developing a Conscience? It's been coming for a long time.
I've fought against it, I really have.
But living with those people day in and day out being exposed to their ethics, their morality It's like I've been brainwashed.
You poor boy.
Moogie, I'm serious.
Oh, I know you are and I know how important your problems are to you but frankly, Quark, right now I don't give a damn about them! We've got much bigger problems to deal with.
Do you want Brunt to become Nagus? Of course not.
He was willing to throw our entire economy into chaos just so he could grab power.
Sounds like a true Ferengi to me.
A Ferengi maybe but not a Nagus.
A Nagus has to be better than that.
His personal greed has to reflect the public's greed.
Like Zek.
Exactly.
So what are we going to do about it? Did you see their faces? They thought they had me, but we showed them.
I answered all their questions, didn't I? You certainly did! The state of the trade negotiations with the Breen why I dumped our lokar bean investments why I insisted we buy up every bit of jevonite we could get our hands on.
You were brilliant! You know, for a moment there I actually thought that Brunt's head was going to explode with frustration! By the time I'm finished with him he'll wish it had! Blam! Blam! He underestimated me.
And he underestimated you, too.
Me? I did nothing.
Nonsense.
I might have fooled those Liquidators but I'm not fooling myself.
I'm becoming forgetful.
At times, my memory betrays me.
I hear the Vulcans have been very successful at treating memory loss.
Vulcans? Never liked them.
No appreciation of profit.
But they do make good doctors, don't they? Make an appointment for me.
I'll never forget what you did for me, Rom.
It's Quark.
Ha-ha! Got you! I may have lost my memory but not my sense of humor! As far as I'm concerned, you're still my First Clerk.
Oh, I'm honored, O shrewd one but I'm afraid your confidence in me is misplaced.
Maihar'du? Quark, I must say I find your newfound modesty very annoying.
I need a financial advisor, and you're it.
If you insist.
But first let me introduce to you my financial advisor.
Don't tell me.
Zekkie.
Why'd you bring that female here? Because the Nagus deserves to have the best financial advisor there is and that's my Moogie.
All the advice I gave you today came from her.
I'm not going to lie to you, Zekkie.
I believe in equal rights for females.
And someday, I hope you will, too but I'd never do anything to hurt you.
But what about all those rumors that Quark told me? They were lies.
Tell him, Quark.
I guess I stretched the truth, here and there.
Yah! Quark, you're fired! Now the question is: What am I going to do with you? Anything you want.
What man could resist an offer like that? Ooh! Let's go home, and I'll make dinner.
No! You won't.
Maihar'du will make dinner.
I've got other plans for you! Oh, Zekkie! Quark, dinner's on the table.
I'll be right there.
Leave some room.
For what? For these.
Oh! My Marauder Mo action figures.
I thought you'd thrown these out.
All these years I've been keeping them in storage for you.
I figured you'd want to take them back to Deep Space 9 with you.
I sure do.
Do you have any idea how much these are worth? Not as much as if you'd kept them in the original packaging which is what I told you at the time.
Even then, you were handing out sound financial advice.
Thanks, Moogie.
No.
Thank you, Quark.
Brunt, FCA.
But for how much longer? Don't worry about me, Quark.
I'm a survivor.
So, the happy couple are back together.
If the people only knew.
But they don't and you're not going to tell them.
Really? Why shouldn't I? Because the Nagus is ready for you.
If you go against him, you'll lose and you know it.
I hate losing.
What Ferengi doesn't? I may not be able to destroy the Nagus, but you are a different story.
You're going to revoke my business license? I don't think the Nagus will like that.
On the contrary, I want you back in business gives me an opportunity to keep my eye on you because one day you are going to make a mistake and on that day, you're going to lose more than your license! But that day is not today.
Now, back in the closet, where you belong.
It's not over, Quark! Don't make me come in there after you.
Quark, your tube grubs are getting warm! Coming, Moogie!
It's been three days.
Don't remind me.
They found a nest.
Well, that's good.
It's not the main nest.
That's not so good.
I thought Chief O'Brien trapped the last vole on the station months ago.
Well, obviously, he missed a couple a married couple.
They breed like tribbles.
But they're not as cute.
They're disgusting hairy little creatures with ravenous appetites, and I want them gone.
Oh, Quark.
I know, I know this is just a temporary setback.
The bar will open again, and I can get back to my life.
I'm glad you realize that.
The only trouble is, I hate my life.
Come in.
Hello, Brother.
What do you want? You have every right to be depressed, Brother.
Ever since you were blacklisted by the Ferengi Commerce Authority it's been one thing after another, but I have some news that's going to cheer you up.
I doubt it.
Trust me on this one, Brother.
I'm about to make you very, very happy.
Really? Really.
Come on in.
What's she doing here? We're getting married! Oh I wish I was dead.
He's been a little depressed lately.
I don't want to live.
I think you need someone to talk to someone to pamper you.
I think I need to be alone.
You know who I talk to when I'm feeling a little low? Yeah, me.
Not when it's something really important.
Let me guess Chief O'Brien? That's not a bad guess.
Rom just tell me who it is.
Then you can leave, and I can go back to my brooding.
There's only one person in my life who's always been there for me who's never too busy to listen who reassures me when I'm scared comforts me when I'm sad and who showers me with endless love without ever asking anything in return.
I'd like to meet this person.
So would I.
You already know her.
And she'll always be there for you, Brother with open arms.
Quark? Mother.
Moogie hold me.
Of all the Bajoran prophecies I think my favorite is Horran's Seventh The one that starts: "He will come to the palace "carrying a chalice" "Bearing no malice" "Overflowing with sweet spring wine.
" Someone's been studying the ancient texts.
It's important to Leeta.
She wants a traditional Bajoran wedding.
And you've agreed to it? Oh, that's very sweet, Rom.
Is she doing the same for you? I mean, learning to be a Ferengi woman? Memorizing the Rules of Acquisition Not likely.
No, Leeta's not the type of woman to quit her job stop wearing clothes and never go out in public again.
That's okay.
I just want her to be happy.
That's a very enlightened attitude, Rom.
Rom is not your traditional Ferengi male.
I guess not.
You're probably the least Ferengi-like Ferengi I've ever met.
I guess so.
Oh, that's not a bad thing, Rom.
No traditional Ferengi male could ever marry a non-Ferengi and be happy.
Well, he could never trust her.
So you see, Moogie, the voles aren't the real problem.
They're just a symbol for everything else that's gone wrong in my life.
You've had a tough year, Quark.
That's an understatement.
I see all these great opportunities out there and I can't do anything about them.
Without a Ferengi business license it's like I don't exist.
I understand why you felt the need to escape for a while, but why come here? I had no place else to go.
Are you sure about that? Oh, now, don't give me that look.
You and I both know we've never really gotten along.
You disapprove of me, Quark.
You always have.
"Moogie, stop wearing clothes.
" "Moogie, stop earning profit.
" You have stopped, haven't you? I mean, earning profit.
Wearing clothes is bad enough, but profit You see what I mean? I know the two of us living under the same roof isn't going to be easy, but you're my mother and I love you.
And I love you, too, Quark.
But when you say "living together" what are we talking about a day, a week? Two weeks? I don't know.
I guess until I start feeling better unless, of course, you don't want me.
You're my son.
How could I refuse you? Then you'll remove all that unnecessary clothing? Don't push your luck.
Where are you going? To my room.
I'm exhausted.
What you need is some of your mother's cooking some nice, juicy tube grubs.
I never liked your tube grubs.
I'll pre-chew them for you.
Maybe later.
Hello, room.
Where's all my stuff? If she's thrown out my Marauder Mo action figures Grand Nagus? Quark, what are you doing here? Uh I'm visiting my mother.
That's no excuse! You've been banned by the FCA.
You must leave Ferenginar at once! Got to go.
The Nagus, he knows I'm here.
Wait a minute.
What's the Nagus doing in my closet? The Nagus? Moogie? Zekkie! You might as well come out! "Zekkie"? What's going on? The next time you visit I'd really appreciate it if you called first.
That doesn't answer my question.
"Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer.
" Rule of Acquisition 208.
You're in trouble again, aren't you? What have you done now? Whatever it is, I had nothing to do with it.
Tell him, Moogie.
Tell him I'm innocent.
Relax, Quark.
I'm not in any trouble.
You're not? Why would she be in trouble? I don't know.
L-l-I just thought, since you're here Uh I don't I don't know what I thought.
I'm so confused.
About what? It's all really quite simple.
You see, Quark, uh your mother and I, uh are in love.
How did you two meet? We met at the global tongo championships.
That's right.
I was playing in the Golden Masters Division.
And I was tucked away in the subbasement playing in the Female Division.
Anyway, word leaked down to us that the Grand Nagus was having a little difficulty with his game.
Well, for some reason my purchases kept exceeding my sales.
So I wrote him a note offering some helpful pointers on how to firm up his game.
And they worked.
I made a spectacular comeback and won the tournament for the 27th year in a row.
Zekkie sent me a very nice "thank you" note.
Before I knew it, we were corresponding regularly.
Your mother's letters became the highlight of each day.
It was clear we had to meet.
Imagine his surprise when he found out I was a female and your mother, no less.
I almost had a stroke but, uh I recovered.
And we've been seeing each other ever since.
Does anyone know about this? Of course, no one knows and you're going to keep it that way.
My lips are sealed.
They'd better be.
Oh, jellied gree worms.
Maihar'du, you are too good to me.
Mm, mm, mm, mm.
He treats me like a queen.
That's because you deserve no less.
Zekkie, they don't come any sweeter than you.
I don't believe it.
What's that, Quark? Uh, nothing.
I've never seen you looking happier.
That's because I've never felt happier.
Well, my dear time to get back to running the Empire.
Try not to miss me too much.
I miss you already.
That's my girl.
Oh, Lobekins don't forget your appointment calendar.
Thank you, my prize.
Your mother is a rare jewel, Quark.
Worship her as I do.
Incredible.
Quark if you're going to give me a hard time about this Give you a hard time? You and the Nagus? I couldn't be happier for all of us.
No sign of a single vole.
I think we got them all.
Chief, is it all right if I take a slightly longer lunch than usual? I need Leeta to sign this.
The Waiver of Property and Profit.
Ferengi females aren't allowed to own property or earn profit.
The WP&P states that, in the event the marriage ends the female gives up all claim to her husband's estate.
And you expect Leeta to agree to this? I agreed to wear the earring.
So either Leeta signs this or the wedding's off.
I may not be a traditional Ferengi but I'm still a Ferengi.
It's your life but I think you're making a big mistake.
I think I'd be making a bigger mistake if I didn't.
Besides, Leeta loves me.
You'll see, Chief.
She'll sign it.
Are you crazy? I'm not going to sign this.
Why not? Because a marriage is about sharing everything including money.
Not on Ferenginar.
We're not on Ferenginar.
But I'm a Ferengi.
And I'm not.
"Females and finances don't mix.
" Rule of Acquisition 94.
That's a stupid rule.
It's true.
You're just like her.
You're after my money.
Like who? My first wife pretending that you care about me but, all the time, it's my profits that you really care about.
Rom I love you not your latinum.
Then prove it.
Sign the WP&P.
Never.
Then the marriage is off.
You bet it is.
My dear, you reek of tube grubs.
So do you, Lobekins.
Are your ears tingling? Mine, too.
So tell me, Nagus how was your day? Oh, you know how it is.
Arcybite ore futures are continuing to increase and the Bolians have finally agreed to allow the Ferengi Gaming Commission to take over all their gambling emporiums.
And and Huh? Mm Oh! I have decided to allocate extra funds for research on a new breed of Hupyrian beetles.
Those little fellows are going to revolutionize the entire beetle snuff industry.
Now that's what I call a busy and productive day.
No wonder the Ferengi economy is growing at a record pace.
Costs are down, profits are up And opportunity is around every corner.
Zekkie, you've done quite a job.
And your people love you for it your business acumen, your negotiation skills your kindness and generosity.
Forget it, Quark.
I'm not going to reverse the FCA's decision.
They revoked your business license and they're the ones who are going to have to reinstate it.
But you're the most powerful man on Ferenginar.
You can do whatever you want.
True, but contracts are the very basis of our society and you broke a contract with another Ferengi.
If I were to intervene on your behalf I would be encouraging others to violate the law! And that I will not do! Moogie talk to him.
He makes a very good point, Quark.
What you did was wrong.
Thanks.
I knew I could count on you.
And I'd watch my tone of voice if I were you.
Well, my dear, shall we take a stroll in your garden? Oh, and, Quark, will you do me a favor? Help Maihar'du clear the table.
He's not as young as he used to be.
Brunt, FCA.
What are you doing in my closet?! Conducting official FCA business.
In my closet? I didn't want the "happy couple" to see me.
Happy couple? Oh, don't play innocent with me.
I know all about their perverted little love affair.
I had nothing to do with it.
They met playing tongo.
I only found out about it today.
She's your mother, Quark and that makes you responsible.
And right now, she's endangering the very foundation of Ferengi society.
I can see her now, whispering in the Nagus' ear contaminating his very thoughts with her twisted female philosophies.
I tell you, Quark if we don't put an end to their relationship you're going to see clothed females walking down the streets of Ferenginar in broad daylight.
If I had my way I'd climb to the top of the Tower of Commerce and denounce your mother to the crowd below but we must spare the Nagus even a hint of public disgrace.
We've got to put an end to their relationship but privately.
Quietly.
So, what are you going to do? I'm not going to do anything.
You are.
Me? Who else? She's your mother, and the Nagus for reasons that elude me completely likes you.
You're in the perfect position to poison their relationship.
Why should I help you? You revoked my business license.
I'll give you a new one.
You've got a deal.
Once again, O Nagus, you have proven that you have the wisest lobes in all of Ferenginar.
That's what they pay me for, eh? I need to speak to the Nagus.
It's a personal matter nothing for you to worry about.
What do you want, Quark? I just dropped by to pay my respects.
Well, in that case, pay them.
Oh.
Feel better? Now go.
Before I do I just want to say how proud I am that you consider my home your home.
My mother is a very lucky woman.
And I am a very lucky man.
I guess the only one around here who isn't lucky is you, Quark.
I just think it's great that she's found someone who cares for her so deeply that he can ignore all those vicious rumors about her.
Oh, you mean the rumors about her earning profit? I know that whole story.
The FCA made her give up every strip of latinum she made.
I'm talking about the other rumors.
The ones that say that she hasn't given it all back.
Oh, nonsense.
Of course, it is, and the wildest rumor has to be what she plans to do with her fortune that she's going to fund a political revolution to end the male domination on Ferenginar.
You mean equal rights for females? It's crazy, isn't it? I mean, so what if she wears clothing or that she's managed to worm her way into the heart of the most influential Ferengi alive.
Those aren't crimes, are they? Absolutely not.
And what if she's as cunning and ruthless as any male? That doesn't mean that she's not to be trusted does it? The important thing is that she loves you and that you're not some pawn in her plans for world domination.
World domination? By a female?! It's a horrifying thought.
Luckily, they're just rumors.
Rumors.
Well, time to go.
I'll see you tonight, Nagus.
I know Moogie can hardly wait.
For what? For you to get home.
Now that he mentions it she really has no business wearing clothes i-in front of her Nagus.
I should start dinner.
Zekkie'll be here any minute.
What do you say to some nice slug steaks? I'm not hungry.
Quark, the power cells are empty.
I must have been too depressed to notice.
It's the FCA ban, isn't it? It's awful.
You don't know what it's like to be denied the opportunity to earn profit.
Oh, yes, I do.
I know exactly what it's like.
It's worse for a male.
Is it? Moogie I'm in no mood to argue politics right now.
I'm too distressed.
All right, Quark.
I'll talk to the Nagus.
I'll see if I can convince him to intercede on your behalf.
Oh, Moogie.
You're a manipulative, self-centered conniver.
Thank you.
Now, Zek'll be here any minute.
I'll make myself scarce.
Good luck.
I'm counting on you.
Commander, I'm sorry if the Klingons are unhappy but station rules are station rules.
I am well aware of station rules but General Martok is a great warrior.
And he has no business being in a holding cell.
He threw one of his men off that crossway.
That was a disciplinary measure.
Oh.
Besides, K'retok was not injured.
He was barely shaken up.
As opposed to the Bolian Ambassador.
K'retok only missed her by a centimeter.
But he did miss her.
Constable release General Martok.
Sir Mr.
Worf, tell the General that this is not a Klingon space station.
If he can't abide by the regulations I'm sure Chancellor Gowron will send us someone who can.
Understood.
Constable? Understood.
Do you hear that? Rom? Are you all right? I'm fine Captain.
Thanks for asking.
The wedding is off.
I'm sorry.
Don't be, Captain.
These are tears of joy.
Carry on.
I hate him.
No, you don't.
All he loves is latinum.
No, he doesn't.
Canceling that wedding was the best thing that ever happened to me.
No, it isn't.
I am so glad he's out of my life.
No, you're not.
Major you haven't been listening to me.
Yes, I have.
It's how I know you love him.
Moogie! I'm home! So, how'd it go? Am I reinstated? What's wrong? Did the Nagus say no? Don't you think about anyone but yourself? Of course, I do.
I just think about myself first.
Now tell me, what's wrong? He left me.
All I asked him was to reinstate your license and the next thing I know, he's accusing me of plotting to overthrow the government.
That's ridiculous.
He said I didn't really love him that I was just using him that I was a scheming, profit-hungry female who couldn't keep her clothes off.
The nerve.
Oh, Quark I don't know what I'm going to do without him.
I don't know what he's going to do without me.
Moogie, I'm sorry, but these things happen.
It's probably better this way.
No, it isn't.
It's a disaster for all of us.
Brunt, FCA.
I hope you've had a productive day.
I certainly have.
You're smiling, Quark.
Therefore, I assume your mother is not.
It's hard to smile when you have a broken heart.
Now, about my business license As of this moment, it's as valid as my own.
Congratulations, Quark.
You're a Ferengi again.
I always was.
Breakfast.
I'm not hungry.
Moogie, you have to eat something.
Why? Because life goes on.
There are other slugs in the sea.
You're leaving, aren't you? You're going back to Deep Space 9.
How did you know that? You spent all morning jellying gree worms which tells me that your conscience is bothering you.
You feel guilty about leaving me alone.
Well, don't.
I don't need you.
I don't need anyone.
Okay.
Then, I'll go pack.
Who could that be? Hello, Rom.
It's Quark.
Quark that's what I said.
I want to see you in the Tower of Commerce right away.
Don't keep me waiting.
Why is the Nagus calling you? I have no idea.
I bet it's about me.
I doubt it.
But then it could be.
Either way, I'll do all I can to straighten things out between the two of you.
That's a promise.
You want me to be First Clerk to the Nagus? That's right, Quark my own personal financial assistant.
What do you say? Why me? Consider it a reward for saving me from that wretched mother of yours.
What about my bar? Do you want to be a bartender all your life? I'm offering you something more the chance to participate in the major decisions that shape this glorious financial empire of ours.
Well, when you put it that way Good.
Then you can begin by briefing me on today's petitioners.
I need your access code.
It's not working.
You must have put them in wrong.
Nope.
Maybe it's 1-5-4.
No, that isn't it either.
But I don't understand.
What did I say those first numbers were? Three, seven, four? Are those right? You're confusing me! L-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.
Oh! It was a six.
What was? The last number.
Well, isn't that what I just said?! A lifetime of numbers you can't blame me for forgetting a few.
Let's get down to business.
Who's the first petitioner? Um DaiMon Igel.
He wants to know whether he should sell his duranium interests on the open market or on the Futures Exchange.
An interesting question.
Well, don't just stand there! Let's see how duranium's been doing.
Over the last three trading cycles there's been an increase of seven and three-quarters a decrease of two and an eighth, and another increase of 11 and three-eighths.
Oh.
That's a gain of 18 points.
Actually, that's 17.
What are you talking about?! Seven and three-quarters minus two and one-ninth is seven Oh, who cares about duranium anyway? DaiMon Igel.
DaiMon Igel? Who's he? Do I like him? Come in.
Hello, Chief.
I need that phase calibrator I leant you the other day.
It's in my tool kit by the door.
Rom, what are you doing? These are my profits, Chief my entire fortune.
It may be small, but it's mine.
Why the two piles? I'm thinking of giving this pile to Leeta.
That way, maybe she'll sign the WP&P.
You're offering her a bribe? Bribes can be very effective.
But if she signs the waiver, then she can't own anything so, she'll have to give it all back to you.
Right.
That's not going to work, is it? Rom, I don't think there's any way you're going to convince Leeta to sign that waiver.
Have you ever looked at latinum? I mean, really looked at it? It's so beautiful not to mention, smooth to the touch.
Do you want Leeta back or not? "Latinum lasts longer than lust.
" Rule of Acquisition 229.
Maybe, but lust can be a lot more fun.
Now, answer the question.
Do you want her back or not? I'd give anything to hold her in my arms again.
Anything? One jumja stick, please.
One jumja stick, please.
What flavor? Actually I don't like jumja sticks.
Then what do you want, Rom? I want you to marry me.
I'm not signing that waiver.
You don't have to not anymore.
I don't have any profit left to protect.
I don't understand.
I gave all my latinum to Major Kira for the Bajoran War Orphans Fund.
She kissed me.
Oh, Rom! You did that for me? I did it for us.
Now we have nothing but our love.
That's all we need.
That and my salary from Quark's.
Well done, Chief or should I call you Cupid? What can I say? I'm just an incurable romantic.
Quark, where have you been all day? With the Nagus.
He made me his First Clerk.
I see.
Well, then you've had a miserable day haven't you? The worst day of my life.
How'd you know? The Market Exchange is down 199 points.
I don't know if I should tell you this but I have to tell someone.
The Nagus, he is I know.
His memory isn't what it used to be.
Did you try stroking his lobes? No, I didn't stroke his lobes.
It helps focus him.
It's also not a bad idea if you repeat what you say to him.
Sometimes it takes two, even three times before he'll retain it.
You two weren't just lovers.
You were helping him run things.
You're the power behind the throne? Well, I wouldn't go that far.
I just helped him a little guided him.
A leveraged buyout here some momentum investing there Why didn't you tell me? If I'd known what was going on, I never would have Never would have what? Oh, Quark.
You turned Zek against me, didn't you? You filled his head with all those lies about me.
I didn't know.
Who put you up to this? Who do you think? Brunt.
What did he offer you? Your business license back? "A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
" You taught me that.
The Rules of Acquisition aren't going to help you now, Quark.
A 199-point slide.
And that's just the beginning.
Congratulations, Quark.
You've not only destroyed my life and Zek's life you may have triggered the destruction of the entire Ferengi economy.
I hope it was worth it.
My, aren't we early today.
But I suppose after yesterday's fiasco we have no alternative.
A 199-point plummet! Haven't seen that steep a market slide since Grand Nagus Smeet and you know what happened to him? The only Grand Nagus to be assassinated while in office.
What was the name of his First Clerk? I believe they buried them together.
I'm sure we'll do better today.
No, you won't.
The Market Exchange will remain closed today.
The FCA Board of Liquidators has called an emergency meeting with the Grand Nagus.
We have some questions to ask him.
And by the time we're through you'll both be out of a job.
Why are you picking on me? I've done everything you asked, haven't I? Everything.
Oh Grand Nagus Brunt.
Daddy will be so proud.
You knew the truth about the Nagus all along, didn't you? You mean, about Zek's failing memory? Let me think.
Hmm Well, you know, now that you mention it yes, I did.
That's why you wanted to destroy his relationship with my mother, not to protect him but to expose him.
I couldn't have done it without you.
I feel almost grateful which is why I'm going to let you keep your new business license.
Now, put down those padds, pack your things and scurry on back to that little bar of yours.
So, how come you're still here, Quark? After all, Brunt is right.
You should be back on Deep Space 9 celebrating your victory.
You've proven yourself a true Ferengi.
You've betrayed friends and family for personal gain.
It sounds so good when you say it.
But? I think I've been hanging around hu-mans too long.
I think I'm developing a Conscience? It's been coming for a long time.
I've fought against it, I really have.
But living with those people day in and day out being exposed to their ethics, their morality It's like I've been brainwashed.
You poor boy.
Moogie, I'm serious.
Oh, I know you are and I know how important your problems are to you but frankly, Quark, right now I don't give a damn about them! We've got much bigger problems to deal with.
Do you want Brunt to become Nagus? Of course not.
He was willing to throw our entire economy into chaos just so he could grab power.
Sounds like a true Ferengi to me.
A Ferengi maybe but not a Nagus.
A Nagus has to be better than that.
His personal greed has to reflect the public's greed.
Like Zek.
Exactly.
So what are we going to do about it? Did you see their faces? They thought they had me, but we showed them.
I answered all their questions, didn't I? You certainly did! The state of the trade negotiations with the Breen why I dumped our lokar bean investments why I insisted we buy up every bit of jevonite we could get our hands on.
You were brilliant! You know, for a moment there I actually thought that Brunt's head was going to explode with frustration! By the time I'm finished with him he'll wish it had! Blam! Blam! He underestimated me.
And he underestimated you, too.
Me? I did nothing.
Nonsense.
I might have fooled those Liquidators but I'm not fooling myself.
I'm becoming forgetful.
At times, my memory betrays me.
I hear the Vulcans have been very successful at treating memory loss.
Vulcans? Never liked them.
No appreciation of profit.
But they do make good doctors, don't they? Make an appointment for me.
I'll never forget what you did for me, Rom.
It's Quark.
Ha-ha! Got you! I may have lost my memory but not my sense of humor! As far as I'm concerned, you're still my First Clerk.
Oh, I'm honored, O shrewd one but I'm afraid your confidence in me is misplaced.
Maihar'du? Quark, I must say I find your newfound modesty very annoying.
I need a financial advisor, and you're it.
If you insist.
But first let me introduce to you my financial advisor.
Don't tell me.
Zekkie.
Why'd you bring that female here? Because the Nagus deserves to have the best financial advisor there is and that's my Moogie.
All the advice I gave you today came from her.
I'm not going to lie to you, Zekkie.
I believe in equal rights for females.
And someday, I hope you will, too but I'd never do anything to hurt you.
But what about all those rumors that Quark told me? They were lies.
Tell him, Quark.
I guess I stretched the truth, here and there.
Yah! Quark, you're fired! Now the question is: What am I going to do with you? Anything you want.
What man could resist an offer like that? Ooh! Let's go home, and I'll make dinner.
No! You won't.
Maihar'du will make dinner.
I've got other plans for you! Oh, Zekkie! Quark, dinner's on the table.
I'll be right there.
Leave some room.
For what? For these.
Oh! My Marauder Mo action figures.
I thought you'd thrown these out.
All these years I've been keeping them in storage for you.
I figured you'd want to take them back to Deep Space 9 with you.
I sure do.
Do you have any idea how much these are worth? Not as much as if you'd kept them in the original packaging which is what I told you at the time.
Even then, you were handing out sound financial advice.
Thanks, Moogie.
No.
Thank you, Quark.
Brunt, FCA.
But for how much longer? Don't worry about me, Quark.
I'm a survivor.
So, the happy couple are back together.
If the people only knew.
But they don't and you're not going to tell them.
Really? Why shouldn't I? Because the Nagus is ready for you.
If you go against him, you'll lose and you know it.
I hate losing.
What Ferengi doesn't? I may not be able to destroy the Nagus, but you are a different story.
You're going to revoke my business license? I don't think the Nagus will like that.
On the contrary, I want you back in business gives me an opportunity to keep my eye on you because one day you are going to make a mistake and on that day, you're going to lose more than your license! But that day is not today.
Now, back in the closet, where you belong.
It's not over, Quark! Don't make me come in there after you.
Quark, your tube grubs are getting warm! Coming, Moogie!