The Nanny s05e20 Episode Script

Sir, I have to talk about this replacement Miss Babcock sent over.
I don't like her, I don't like her at all.
Why not? She's doing a wonderful job.
She's very efficient.
Well, I don't know.
There's just something about her that rubs me the wrong way.
Hello, hello.
Maxwell, here are the documents from your attorney.
Niles, there's something stuck to your hair.
- What? - A big fat ugly butler.
What's that? A cellphone for Fran.
( clears throat ) I thought it would help with the planning of the wedding she has to do.
Uh-huh? What's that? A pager.
With all the running she has do I thought this and her own limo would come in handy.
You must have pulled a big one.
Shall I close the door? Why don't you? You're on the wrong side of it.
( laughter ) Just tell me, I did have a heart attack and the doctor says it helps thin my blood if I'm kept constantly in the loop.
Oh, will you stop it.
Well, apparently my finances are a lot more complicated than I thought, and my attorney thinks it is a good idea if I ( clears throat ) whether I should I'm going to ask Fran to sign a prenuptial agreement.
Why don't you just walk downtown in a rag dressed as Uncle Sam.
It'll be quicker.
( laughter ) Niles.
This isn't just about me and Fran.
Apparently there are some family accounts in my name.
I'm responsible for my brother and my sister, their children.
Now I'm just going to explain this to Fran in a calm, rational firm tone of Oh, here's my pretty darling.
Don't they look nice? Oh, very, very nice.
Look, I brought you some presents: A cell phone.
Thank you.
And a pager.
And look, it vibrates.
Ooh, it's vibrating.
You'd better page me all the time.
( laughs ) It's for the chauffeur of your new limo.
Oh, my God, my own limo? Oh, I don't know, honey.
It just seems so show-offey.
But don't worry about it, it has tinted windows, no one will be able to see you.
Oh, well, then what's the point? Oh, honey don't forget this afternoon we're going to go see Sammy's niece Edna, she's a wedding photographer, and she is supposed to be phenomenal.
She does all of those dogs dressed as people.
She did the Beatles using four Yorkies.
It was very clever.
Very clever.
Well, don't worry, sweetheart I've cleared the whole afternoon.
There is just one little favor I'd like you to do for me.
Hehe.
What? Oh, well, it's just that there's some silly little papers I'd like you to sign.
Oh, honey, sure, whatever you need.
You're the business head in this family.
You need me to sign something, I'll sign it.
Just as long as it's not a prenup! ( laughs ) ( all laugh ) Niles? Niles, where are you going? Somewhere else.
Now you're on the wrong side of the door.
( laughter ) She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell make up but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now, the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling, such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran Is this the paper you want me to sign? Oh well, it's not important right now.
Why don't you see your limo? It's right out front.
You said you needed to get it done.
Let's just do it.
What's the rush? Come on, go take a spin.
It'll be fun.
Look I'll page you.
Hehehe.
Stop it.
Honey, you're being so cute and sexy.
Makes me wonder what you don't want me to see in this folder.
Ah, alright, alright, it's a prenup.
Water! Water! I've swallowed my tongue! I've swallowed my tongue! Sweetheart, sweetheart, just stay calm.
My lawyer thought it was important due to my family's estate.
Did you think that just because I sacrificed five years of my life to raise your children so you could go off and achieve financial success that I was gonna hire some barracuda lawyer to take everything you've got so I can retire in the Riviera and go blonde? Who thinks of such things? ( laughter ) Darling, it has absolutely nothing to do with us.
( laughter ) It has everything to do with us.
It has to do with trust.
What have I ever done to make you think I couldn't be trusted? Dear Lord, are we really going to open that land-of-the-giants sized can of worms? Well, it's obvious we have different prerequisites for marriage, don't we? I'm surprised that you didn't put a clause in here saying I have to maintain a certain weight? ( Gasps ) Well, he saw your mother.
( laughter ) Two can play at this game too.
I happen to have some relatives that are notary publics slash travel agents.
Perhaps, I should have them draw up a prenup to protect some of my assets.
Fine, fine you go right ahead, but you'd better not waste any blimey time.
Don't want that Welcome Back Kotter lunch box falling out of the family's hands.
Yes, what the hell do you want? I want that blonde woman out of this house.
Oh, hi, Ma.
Hi, darling.
Oh, you look beautiful.
How are you doing on your diet? Good.
( laughter ) I thought I'd go to the photographers with you.
Yetta and Sammy are on their way over.
Good, do we have time to talk? They're at the curb, we have time for the Geneva Convention.
( laughter ) You know, Ma, Max and I had a terrible fight.
- He wants me to - Do it.
( laughter ) You don't even know what it is yet.
The invitations are halfway to Israel.
( laughter ) That's all I need to know.
( laughter ) He wants me to sign a a prenup.
( Gasp ) Did you sign it? - No.
- Why not? ( laughter ) Well, Ma, I think it shows a lack of trust.
You know, Shoshana stood up to Jerry Seinfeld.
She refused to sign that prenup of his.
And she sure showed him.
( laughter ) - Hi, Fran! - Oh, B, what are you doing back? I thought you were gonna go rollerblading in the park.
I came back, I forgot a vital piece of equipment.
What? Something that protects a vital piece of equipment.
Oh.
Oh, oh.
Ma, do you remember when I found Daddy's, and you said to me that it was a peanut dish.
( laughter ) Trust me, it wasn't that far from the truth.
( laughter ) But, darling, why are you getting so worked up about this? Prenups are very common now.
Ari Onassis even put in a mattress mambo clause when he married Jackie.
It said she had to sleep with him a certain number of times a year.
Oh, sure, that he leaves out.
( laughter ) ( laughter ) She does beautiful work.
( laughter ) Oh.
Oh.
( Applause ) I'm so sorry I'm late, I had to shoot some nudes.
I thought Sammy said you were shooting some dogs.
I didn't say they was pretty.
Ah, baby, this is my niece, Edna, and this is my chick.
( laughter ) - Hello.
- Hello.
Sammy and I might want a portrait too.
All we got now is a joint MRI.
( laughter ) Oh, the MRI, CAT scans, angiograms, boy, we had some good times, didn't we? How long is this gonna take? Because I do have a meeting in New Haven in two hours.
That is why we took two limos.
Yours and mine.
Note how I separate yours from mine, lest there be any confusion in the future.
( laughter ) Well, there won't be any confusion in the future.
Because what's yours is mine.
( laughter ) I smell love.
( laughter ) You must be the happy couple.
You're so pretty together.
Aren't they pretty together? Very pretty.
Yeah.
I'm Edna.
Come on.
Shake.
Come on.
Good girl.
- I have to go.
- Sit.
Good boy! ( laughter ) So, I feel money is probably no issue here, of course it's an issue for me because I gotta pay my rent.
So we'll start with the top of the line, shall we? Excuse me, I'll just squeeze in here.
Yes, now this wedding package comes with this fabulous wedding favor, a 3D pop up version of the front table.
It's very popular.
I really don't see why you can't see my side of this.
It's just a piece of paper, if it'll make me happy, why can't you just sign the blimey thing? Well, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that this marriage is all about just making you happy.
You know, we can make this talk.
"Thank you for coming.
Thank you for the blender.
" ( laughter ) Okay.
So are you the mother? - Yeah.
- She over 30? - Uh-huh.
- You need to help me out here.
Wow, these Triscuits are really stale.
( laughter ) Yetta, you're eating liver snaps.
Oh, my God, with milk? It's not kosher! ( laughter ) This is ridiculous.
I'm not going to change my mind.
Now I have to leave.
Why are you harping on this disgusting issue? Push, push, push, you were the one who was so desperate to get married.
Me? Yes, that's our story and we're sticking with it.
( laughter ) You know where I stand on this matter.
Now, what happens now is entirely up to you.
Well, what is that supposed to mean exactly? If I don't sign the prenup the wedding is off? Alright.
Alright.
Yes, that's exactly what this means.
I'm gonna faint.
Somebody catch me.
I've got you Sylvia.
( laughter ) Fran: Oh, Val, it was horrible.
He said that the wedding is off unless I sign and I just know that there is no way to resolve this.
I don't even know why I'm bothering to make plans.
Yes, hello, I said Velour yarmulkes, Velour, thank you.
( laughter ) You know, Fran, why don't you just sign the stupid thing.
He loves you, he wants to marry you.
And if, God forbid, you do split up, this provides for you as well, right? Yeah, I guess so.
And not only is he protecting the same kids you want to protect, his family's probably pressuring him, too.
I mean, to them you're a nothing off the street.
As am I.
So, he's probably trying to get them off his back as well, right? Well, I guess so.
Yeah.
So from where I'm sitting, it makes perfect sense that he would want a prenup.
You know I think that gingko is beginning to kick in.
( Phone rings ) - Oh.
- No, no, no.
It's that one.
Oh? The ginkgo.
Huh? So many phones.
Hello? Yes, this is the Sheffield residence.
Oh, oh, my God.
Oh, yes.
Yes, okay.
Yes, thank you, thank you, I'll be right over.
Oh, my God, Brighton got into an accident playing roller hockey.
He hit his head, he's at St.
Paul's Hospital.
Listen to me, you have got to call Mr.
Sheffield's assistant and tell her to call him, then call Gracie's friend Marcy's house and tell her to send Gracie right home.
Then wait here for Maggie to come home from ballet class and tell Maggie to wait here for Gracie and then take Gracie to the hospital and meet me there.
Oh, Fran.
Brighton's gonna be okay.
No, I don't know anything you just said to me.
( laughter ) I'll call you from the car.
Oh, oh.
Brighton Sheffield, Brighton Sheffield.
I'm here to see Brighton Sheffield.
Where is he, is he okay? They just brought him down from a CAT scan, he's back in his room.
You his mother? Well, obviously it doesn't say his age on that chart.
I'm his nanny.
Where is he? Where can I go? Are you a legal guardian? No, but just point me where his room is.
I'm sorry, you can't see him.
It's immediate family only.
He's a minor.
Those are the rules.
( laughter ) You know, honey, you could buy a lot of liquid white shoe polish with this.
( laughter ) No.
( laughter ) When a family member gets here, you can go in then.
But they told me to rush right down here, and I did.
That's all they said that I had to do, was come here and that's what I did.
Now give my daughter her shot! ( laughter ) It worked in "Terms of Endearment.
" ( laughter ) ( laughter ) Hello, sister.
Oh, hey, bro.
I mean, my child.
He'll be fine, just a little concussion.
Oh, thank God.
You're allowed to wear makeup? - Uh - What order are you from? From uh, the um Sisters of the Divine, um, Miss M.
Shalom.
( laughter ) Oh, B, B, can you hear me? Oh, uh, sister, I swear I don't know how I wrote the exact same story as John Steinbeck.
Brighton, Brighton, it's me, Fran, I'm the one that taught you how to do that, remember? How did this happen to you? Well, I was skating with these two cute girls really fast towards a brick wall and then And And they knew how to turn.
( laughter ) - You okay? - Yeah.
Yes, he'll be fine it's just a little bump on the head.
Let me fill you in on what happened.
Fran, isn't it obvious? He was after some girl he didn't have a chance with and ran into a wall.
Nurse says no dairy.
And then they wouldn't let Fran in so then she had to dress up like a nun.
Or sourdough.
Well, can I at least have the cookie? ( laughter ) Oh, it's raisin.
You don't like it.
Now, honey, why weren't you wearing your helmet.
Don't you know that you always have to use protection? That goes for you too, missy.
I don't know why you're getting so upset you.
I'm fine.
What, are you kidding me? I was so worried, I love you guys so much.
I don't want anything to ever happen to any you.
Don't you know that you mean the world to me? Ah, hello there.
I've just been filled in by the doctor and it seems we can take you home.
Just gonna have a headache for a few days.
Give you a little glimpse into the world of marriage.
( laughter ) You will just buy anything at a sale, won't you? ( laughter ) They wouldn't let her in because she's not family or his legal guardian.
Oh.
Uh, look I uh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry too.
I shouldn't have let you leave angry.
Well, I just never Well, I really cannot talk to you dressed like that, it's a whole boarding school thing, it makes me very uncomfortable.
( laughter ) Well, I'm wearing the clothes of a woman that never marries and lives a life of celibacy.
Oy, did I miss my calling? ( laughter ) Oh.
( laughter ) Goodnight, Piles.
( laughter ) Niles.
You say tomato.
You know something, lady.
You're just a pale imitation of the C.
C.
Babcock I know.
You're not half the man she is.
( laughter ) You know, Niles, it's a shame we didn't get along.
I find myself strangely attracted to you.
You said I was a big fat ugly butler.
You don't know my type.
( laughter ) Taking the night off.
If I'm not back in the morning yay! ( laughter ) ( applause ) Hi.
So where did you disappear to after we brought B home? Ah, I took a little walk.
The phone call every parent dreads.
I had to give my insides time to fall back into place.
I hear you.
Boy, it sort of makes everything else seem so unimportant.
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
I decided to sign the prenup.
- Really? - Yep.
I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, so if this is what it takes, then fine give it to me.
Alright.
And you know this is the place where you're supposed to say, "No, darling, I trust you.
" ( laughter ) "And I know we're going to spend the rest of our lives together.
" You know? ( laughter ) Oh, give me here.
You know, Fran, you were right when you said what happened today put everything into perspective.
This doesn't look anything like the papers you gave me before.
That's because they're not.
Mm? No, this is.
Those are the first stages of the adoption papers.
I want you to be the children's mother, legally.
You do? I always thought Sarah and I would be raising the children together and then well, I never really thought they'd be truly happy again.
But you know they are? And that's thanks to you.
I just love the children so very much.
And I love you.
And I meant what I said before.
I want to sign this prenup.
I just want to add a little Ari Onassis clause.
Don't worry it's a win-win thing.
Sweetheart, that won't be necessary.
Why? Because this is the time I say I trust you and I know we'll be happy for the rest of our lives.
Ooh ( applause ) Hey, Yetta, what ya reading? "The Money Club.
" Some park Avenue ladies invested their money together and made a fortune.
So I got all the gals at the home to pool their resources.
What are you gonna invest in? We bought the book.
( laughter ) Where you going? I have to go with Fran to traffic court, she's gonna talk her way out of a parking ticket.
Come on, honey.
We'll go pick up a knish on the way.
( Applause )