The Simpsons s05e20 Episode Script

[ Chorus .]
" The Simpsons " [ Bell Ringing .]
[ Whistle Blowing .]
[ Beeping .]
" [Jazzy Solo .]
[ Tires Screeching .]
D'oh! [ Screams .]
Oh! How can they imprison kids in school on a beautiful day like this? They're not imprisoning us, Bart.
They're-- - Prison bus, Otto? - The regular school bus broke down.
So take a seat before I blow your heads off!.
- Otto! - Oh, sorry.
This bus and I have sort of a Shining thing going on.
" [ Blues .]
[ Sighs Deeply .]
Ahhh-- [ Sighs .]
This is what being a kid is all about.
Hey, Huck, what's L-I-N-C-O-N doing here? I don't know.
It's your fantasy.
- Hi, Abe.
- Hello, Bart.
[ All Groaning .]
Ow! Ow! Well, children, our new ultra-hard Posturific chairs have arrived.
They've been designed by eminent posturologists to eliminate slouching by the year 3000.
Mrs.
Krabappel-- [ Groans .]
I'm having back spasms! [ Chuckles .]
I know they seem a little uncomfortable right now.
But eventually your bones will change shape.
[ Slurred .]
I've lost all feeling in the left side of my body.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now, unfortunately our school clocks have been running fast all semester so today we all have to stay two extra hours to make up for the time we lost.
- Ha! - [ Groaning .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Chittering .]
[ Engine Rewing .]
And to think I got all this after dropping out of the fourth grade.
- [ Laughs .]
- [ Tires Screech .]
That does it.
I'm outta here.
Mrs.
Krabappel, I have to go to the dentist.
I have a caraway seed caught under my bridgework.
My mom's number's there if you wanna check up on me.
That's okay, Bart.
I trust you.
''Please excuse my handwriting.
''I busted whichever hand it is I write with.
Signed, Mrs.
Simpson.
'' You were right to be suspicious, Edna.
To the crime lab.
Hmm.
Inconclusive.
[ Scoffs .]
I wish more students had agreed to these electronic tracking implants.
We only had one volunteer.
Spill it! Where's your brother? You'd better answer him, Lisa.
He's a bad man.
- [ Giggling .]
- What are you laughing about? You started off as the bad cop.
And now you're the good one.
You and Willie got mixed-up about 1 0 minutes ago.
We did not! Now, where's Bart? You better tell me! Oh! You better tell him, lassie.
I cannot control him when he gets like this.
[ Giggles .]
Now you're the good cop.
What? [ Sighs .]
The joys of mortgaging your future.
- [ Splashing .]
- Huh? [ Gasps .]
My fantasy's come true! Hey, kid.
You wanna see a dead body? If I were a truant boy out for a good time, I'd be right here-- If I were a truant boy out for a good time, I'd be right here-- the Springfield Natural History Museum.
[ Chuckling .]
You're mine, Simpson.
Look, if I was under 1 7, I'd be in school, right? Yeah, I guess you're right.
Enjoy Boob-A-Rama, sir.
Why, there are no children here at the 4-H Club either.
Am I so out of touch? No.
It's the children who are wrong.
Sold to the small man with the runny nose for 2.
3 million.
- [ Snickers .]
- [ Clears Throat .]
Our next highest bid, uh I believe was yours, sir, for 2.
1 million.
[ Laughs .]
- [ Doors Slams .]
- Yes.
Were there any serious bids for this painting? [ All Murmuring .]
- [ Gasps .]
- [ Gasps .]
Can't let Dad see me playing hooky! Can't let the boy see me skippin' work.
- Good afternoon.
- How do you do, sir? [ Both Snicker.]
[ Both .]
Sucker! [ Gasps .]
A spoor! Hmm-- His brand of gum, Doublemint.
Trying to double your fun, eh, Bart? Well, I'll double your detention.
[ Chuckles .]
I wish someone was around to hear that.
And so we enter endgame.
Ay, caramba.
! [ Panting .]
[ Evil Laugh .]
Let's see him track me now.
Oh, my God! He is like some sort of non-giving up school guy.
[ Grunting .]
[ Whimpers .]
Oh, he's close.
I can taste his fear.
What the-- [ Laughs .]
Freddy, honey.
I think something just dropped into the backseat.
I'm not paying you to talk.
Gimme the ball! People, the punch has been spiked.
[ Laughs .]
[ Laughs .]
That's my nephew displaying the Quimby wit that's won the public's heart.
Happy birthday, Freddy.
And may all your disgraces be, uh, private.
- Yes.
- [ All .]
Hear! Hear! - Yes.
- [ All .]
Hear! Hear! And who are you, little boy? And who are you, little boy? I'm one of your nephews you don't see very often, uh, Bart-Bart.
Hey, McBain, I'm a big fan, but your last movie really sucked.
I know.
There were script problems from day one.
Yeah, I'll say.
Magic ticket my ass, McBain.
Maria, my mighty heart is breaking.
I'll be in the Humvee.
[ Chattering .]
Hey, what the hell is this? It is a bowl of''shao-dair,'' sir.
Wait a minute.
Come here.
What did you call it? Say it loud enough so everyone can hear.
Come on.
Say it.
[ Clears Throat .]
''Shao-dair.
'' ''Shao-dair''? ''Shao-dair''? It's ''chowdah.
'' Say it right! - ''Shah-der.
'' - [ Laughs .]
Come back here! I'm not through demeaning you! Wow! This is the biggest Rice Krispy square I've ever seen.
Boy, the rich sure know how to live.
- Say it, Frenchy.
Say ''chowdah';! - Never! [ Freddy .]
Okay,you asked for it.
I'm gonna enjoy this.
- [ Pots Banging .]
- [ Glass Shattering .]
- [ Snapping .]
- [ Waiter .]
Ow, ooh.
Ow, ooh.
Ow, ooh.
Whoa.
! [ Gasps .]
Oy! That's gotta hurt! Oh, my God! Someone's taken a bite out of the big Rice Krispy square! Someone's taken a bite out of the big Rice Krispy square! Oh, yeah, and the waiter's been brutally beaten.
[ Laughs .]
Oh, yeah, and the waiter's been brutally beaten.
[ Laughs .]
It says Freddy Quimby beat a waiter half to death.
Those Quimby children are so wild and rich.
I hope he finally gets what's coming to him.
- But Freddy Quimby's innocent! - How do you know? There weren't any witnesses.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, yeah.
Right.
You'd think someone would've seen something at a crowded party like that.
Well, they didn't, okay? They didn't! It says so right here in black-and-white, ''no witnesses.
'' Case closed.
Now, let's all read the funnies.
Oh, look, Charlie Brown said, ''Good grief.
'' [ Chuckles .]
I didn't see that comin'.
Lisa, I gotta tell somebody.
I was at the Quimby compound yesterday when that frog waiter got whacked.
I know that Freddy Quimby is innocent.
You're a witness? Bart, you have to tell the police.
- [ Sighs .]
I can't.
- Why? - [ Brakes Squeal .]
- Bart Simpson, I know you cut school yesterday.
And as soon as I can prove it, I'm shipping you off to the Christian Military Reform School.
What he said.
Oh, I see.
If you testify, Skinner will know you skipped school.
Well, if Freddy Quimby didn't do it I'm sure he'll be found innocent by a fair and impartial jury.
Oh,jury duty! I'll see that Quimby kid hang for this! - [ Sighs .]
- I knew it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail.
Let's go over to the county courthouse live to Kent Brockman.
ockman,just outside the county courtroom where an argument about chowder has spilled over into the biggest trial in Springfield history.
Behind these doors, a federal judge will ladle out steaming bowls of rich, creamy justice in a case the media have dubbed ''Beat-up Waiter.
'' [ Scoffs .]
This reporter suggested ''Waitergate,'' but was shouted down at the press club.
Now, it's illegal to televise court proceedings in this state Now, it's illegal to televise court proceedings in this state [ Whispering .]
so we'll have to be quiet.
[ Thinking .]
I know you can read my thoughts, Bart.
Just a little reminder-- if I find out you cut class your ass is mine.
Yes, you heard me.
I think words I would never say.
I know you can read my thoughts, boy.
" Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow " " Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow " I intend to prove that Freddy Quimby is totally innocent.
First of all, his accuser is a very shady character.
That waiter, Mr.
LaCoste, not only wasn't born in Springfield he wasn't even born in this country! [ Gasping, Murmuring .]
- It's an exclusive.
! - From now on, you tell me everything.
Uh, Freddy Quimby was with me the entire night in question.
We were collecting canned goods for the starving people in uh, you know, one of them loser countries.
- Well, that clears Quimby.
- He's clearly innocent.
Oh, good.
My laundry is done.
You see, Lisa? They don't need my testimony.
Only because Mayor Quimby is buying his nephew's freedom.
[ Sighs .]
The system works.
Just ask Claus von Bulow.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty but that he is also innocent of not being guilty.
I refer you to my expert witness, Dr.
Hibbert.
Well, only one in two million people has what we call the ''evil gene.
'' Hitler had it.
Walt Disney had it.
And Freddy Quimby has it.
Thank you, Dr.
Hibbert.
I rest my case.
You rest your case? What? Oh, no.
I thought that was just a figure of speech.
Case closed.
Excuse me, Your Honor.
Yes, I'd like to bring something to the court's attention.
[ Snoring .]
- Huh? What? - Give those glasses to the bailiff.
All right.
- And those.
- Oh! Your Honor, even though I've proven my client's innocence I'd still like to call Freddy Quimby to the stand so that we can all bask in his gentle decency.
- He's wealthy, therefore, inherently good.
- [ Woman .]
Yes, innocent.
Mr.
Quimby, did you assault Mr.
LaCoste? Of course not.
I love each and every living thing on God's green earth.
Well, therefore, you certainly would never lose your temper over something as trivial as the pronunciation of''chowder.
'' That's ''chowdah!'' ''Chowdah!'' I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! Especially those of you in the jury! - [ Gasps, Murmuring .]
- He's clearly guilty.
Wow, that didn't go well.
The defense rests.
Will the jury retire and come to its decision? [ Chuckles .]
This won't take long.
He's clearly guilty.
We'll probably be home by dinnertime.
Good.
Tonight, the dog from Frasier is gonna ride the dolphin on SeaQuest.
Well, Bart, because of you a horrible yet innocent person is going to jail.
Hmm.
Maybe I should come forward.
Oh, I can't wait till the sentencing part.
That's where I really shine.
Bart Simpson, for the heinous crime of hooky I sentence you to a lifetime of hard labor in the cafeteria.
[ Raspy Voice .]
More creamed corn,JimboJr.
? This creamed corn tastes like creamed crap.
Watch the potty mouth, honey.
[ Sighs .]
Your sister says you have something to tell me.
What? Uh-- Um, yeah.
Oh, I just-- I just wanted to say how great it is to finally see some chicks on the bench.
- Mm.
- Keep up the good work, toots.
[ Laughs .]
- [ Groans .]
- [ Chuckles .]
Chicks on the bench.
Why bother votin'? He's guilty.
Well, we might as well make it official.
- What does ''sequestered'' mean? - If the jury is deadlocked, they are put in a hotel together so they can't communicate with the outside world.
- What does ''deadlocked'' mean? - It's when the jury can't agree on a verdict.
- Uh-huh.
And ''if'? - A conjunction meaning ''in the event that'' or ''on condition that.
'' So if we don't all vote the same way we'll be deadlocked and have to be sequestered in the Springfield Palace Hotel.
That's not gonna happen, Homer.
Let's vote.
My liver is failing.
Where we'll get: a free room, free food, free swimming pool free HBO-- Ooh! Free Willy.
! Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson.
It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale.
- Now let's vote.
- Uh, how are the rest of you voting? - Guilty.
- Okay, fine.
- How many S's in ''innocent''? - [ Groaning .]
I'm only doing what I think is right.
I believe Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.
Oh, I miss you too, Marge.
But the law needs me.
I'll be home as soon as I can.
Room service, send up two more pot roasts and three more pillows with mints on 'em.
You know, [ Chuckles .]
we're kind of like the original Odd Couple.
You're the messy one, and I'm-- - Shut up! - Oh, yes.
Very well.
- " [ Itchy And Scratchy Theme .]
- So, Bart have your insides been gnawed away by guilt yet? Sell it to Hallmark, Sis.
You're looking at cucumber boy.
As in, ''cool as a.
'' [ Announcer.]
Next on McGarnigal-- McGarnigal is framed for a crime he didn't commit.
And only one witness can clear his name a little sissy boy who's too scared to come forward.
You gotta tell him what you saw, Billy.
But I'm so scared, McGarnigal.
You gotta do this one for me, Billy.
McGarnigal.
Okay.
For you, McGarnigal.
Well, McGarnigal, Billy is dead! They slit his throat from ear to ear.
Hey, I'm trying to eat lunch here.
Hey, I'm trying to eat lunch here.
Jump, Free Willy!Jump.
Jump with all your might.
- Ahh-- [ Screams .]
- [ Splats .]
[ Woman .]
Oh, no.
Willy didn't make it! And he crushed our boy! - [ Man .]
Ugh! What a mess.
- Oh! I don't like this new director's cut.
[ Straining .]
- Got it, Barn? - [ Barney .]
Got what? - [ Crashes .]
- Ow.
! - You're stealing a table? - I'm not stealin' it.
Hotels expect you to take a few things.
It's a souvenir.
- Ah.
Is that my necktie you're wearing? - Souvenir.
- " [ Humming .]
- Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy who's going to jail, but I know he's innocent.
Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying ''Shoot 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
'' Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice.
It took 7 5 federal marshals to bring him down.
Now, let's never speak of him again.
" [ Humming .]
Mom? Mom! - Mom! - Hmm? What if I can get this guy off the hook? I mean, sh-should I do it? Honey, you should listen to your heart and not the voices in your head like a certain uncle did one gray December morn.
" [ Humming .]
[ Sighs .]
Even though reopening a trial at this point is illegal and grossly unconstitutional I just can't say no to kids.
So, young man if Freddy Quimby didn't inflict these injuries on Mr.
LaCoste just who did? Well, I was hiding in the kitchen when it all happened.
Say it, Frenchy.
! Say ''chowdah';! - Never! - Okay, you asked for it.
I'm gonna enjoy this.
[ Grunting .]
- [ Snapping .]
- Ow, ooh.
Ow, ooh.
Ow, ooh.
- And that's what really happened.
- This is an outrage! I am not a clumsy Clouseau-esque waiter! I will-- Whoa! Whoo! Whoo! [ Screaming .]
Ooh.
! Ow.
! Ow.
! Ow.
! At least there were no big ones.
- [ Loud Clamp .]
- Ay.
How could you have seen all this, Bart? Weren't you supposed to be in school? [ Inhales .]
I sorta skipped school.
I knew it! I knew you'd slip up sooner or later, Simpson! What slipup? What are you talking about? - He confessed it.
- Quiet.
I need this.
This court finds Freddy Quimby innocent of all charges.
Case dismissed.
[ Cheering .]
Bart, I'm impressed with what you did in there.
You testified for the Quimby boy, even though it was putting your own head in a noose.
On the other hand, you skipped school.
I guess the two things cancel each other out, huh.
[ Sighs .]
I'm a small man in some ways, Bart.
A small, petty man.
- Three months detention.
- [ Groans .]
Wait a minute, Bart.
Make that four months detention.
four months detention.
[ Homer .]
Well, Marge, it was horrible.
Everyone was against me in that jury room.
But I stood by the courage of my convictions, and I prevailed.
And that's why we had Chinese food for lunch.
Good for you, Homie.
You know, a lot of things happened around here while you were gone.
Great, Marge.
I want to hear all about it.
[ Chuckles .]
- [ Marge .]
Give me those.
! - [ Glasses Snap, Homer Groans .]
- And those.
- [ Snap, Groan .]
- And those.
- [ Snap, Groan .]
- [ People Chattering .]
- Shh!