Hogan's Heroes (1965) s05e21 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) Fantastic dinner, simply fantastic.
Thank you, my dear.
The champagne and all that lovely caviar.
Do you know what day this is? Thursday.
Ah, it's much more than Thursday.
Today is our anniversary.
Did you know that we have known each other for a whole month? ( chuckles ): Oh.
Oh! Oh, a jade necklace.
Oh, how lovely.
Sofia, darling, you have the most beautiful eyes.
Oh, danke, Herr Kommandant.
Oh, just call me plain Commandant.
All right, Commandant.
( chuckling ) Where was I? My eyes.
Oh, yes, oh, yes.
They sparkle, like 37-millimeter antiaircraft shells bursting in the dark sky.
Halt! Halt! Stop it! Stop it! What are you doing?! Going for a little walk, huh?! Yeah, going for a walk.
You're walking right into the cooler, you understand?! Hold it, Schultz, you can't arrest this man.
Who said so? He was just airing his blanket, right? Yes, sir.
KLINK: Schultz! Schultz! What's going on out there? What's all the shooting? He was just airing his blanket, Schultz.
You want me to believe that? Herr Kommandant, false alarm! The guards in the tower are trigger-happy! There will be no more trigger happiness tonight! SCHULTZ: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Take him back to the barracks.
And you! Wait till after the war to air your blankets, you understand? All right, come on.
HOGAN: All right, get down in the tunnel.
Next time, I may do the shooting and I won't miss.
If anything like this happens again, we're going to hold a court-martial right here in the tunnel.
I've had enough.
We're sick of it.
We want out.
You got to do something, sir.
All right, pipe down.
You could have blown the whole operation tonight, put us right out of business.
I almost made it, sir.
You weren't even close.
Colonel, it's two weeks since we broke out of Stalag 5.
That was your first mistake, the seven of you all at once.
How do you think the Krauts feel about that kind of operation? Gets them awfully nervous.
Sure, and the heat's passed around from one Luftstalag to the next.
We're going stir crazy.
When can we move? I told you, as soon as the underground can handle it.
You'll be passed along to the coast and taken to England by sub.
We're ready.
But we're not.
You're going to relax until we are.
That's an order.
Keep them amused, huh? LeBeau was trying.
They don't like my Maurice Chevalier imitation.
Why don't you try Betty Grable.
Better stick with Chevalier.
( scoffs ) What's going on, Colonel? No idea.
Must be some kind of a meeting.
Bloody rude of them not to invite you.
Maybe I'll go anyway.
Mind the store, huh? Thank you.
I needed that.
This major that just came in with General Burkhalter.
What about him? Oh, nothing, he just looks familiar, that's all.
And you'd like to know who he is.
Major Strauss, commandant of Luftstalag 5.
That's interesting.
So are you.
Mind if I catch a little of this fascinating conversation? Why? Oh, nothing.
Major Strauss may be transferred here.
How's that for a reason? Not too good.
Hilda.
Ah That's a much better reason.
So's that.
BURKHALTER: In the past year, Major Strauss, over 100 escapes from Stalag 5 and more than half of them being successful.
That is terrible.
Somehow I knew you would think so.
How do you explain it, Major? Yes, how do you explain it, Major? Well, we do have a large prisoner population.
So does Stalag 13, but we have never had one successful escape here.
Klink, if you don't mind, I'll blow your horn.
For once, you don't have to do it yourself.
Thank you, General Burkhalter.
Now, Major, I have studied your service record.
You're a good soldier, very qualified for your job.
I appreciate that, sir.
What's 100 escapes? Nothing.
It could happen to anybody.
Except you, of course.
Except me, of course.
Unfortunately, Stalag 5 is a problem.
We had to keep the 14th Division tied down in this area for patrol duty.
We can't move them to the Eastern Front.
Oh, they must be terribly disappointed, Herr General.
We have to do something about this situation, Strauss.
I want you to move in here to study and observe Klink's methods.
He is to have access to everything, Klink: housekeeping details, security matters.
I will take over Stalag 5 temporarily while you are here.
Herr General.
What can I possibly learn from him? I know how to wear a monocle.
Perhaps you could use it to look for your missing prisoners, huh? Major, Klink is your superior.
You are being disrespectful.
Herr General, I do not want to come here as a student or anything.
The alternative for you is a nice train trip to the Russian Front.
General Burkhalter, I do not want him here.
And you, Klink, can go to Russia on the same train! Then all you two will have to fight about is who gets the upper berth.
( Morse code transmitting ) What's up? Great bloody air raid on Düsseldorf-- hundreds of them.
It's about time.
It's good news and bad news, Colonel.
Half of Düsseldorf is now a garbage dump.
But the bad news is Four were captured and eight got away.
What's bad news about that? The underground's sending them here.
They can't do that! I don't believe that! Tell them we got a full house.
Can't do it, Colonel, they've shut down.
This is a POW camp, not a subway.
The Gestapo's already on the move looking for the flyers.
Right.
That'll give us 15 men.
We can't get rid of the seven we've got.
There's no air in the tunnel now.
I will not give those guys mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
All right, let's not get worked up.
We have no choice.
Carter, Newkirk, LeBeau, go out and meet them tonight.
Now, the rendezvous point is X14, 2200 hours.
Holy Toledo! What are you going to do? We're the only motel in a combat zone.
I believe in the iron fist in a velvet glove.
As commandant, I have to make a few concessions once in a while.
Only last week, I granted my men 15 extra minutes of hot water.
A day? A month.
That's what I call being a real humanitarian.
Oh, you'll get the hang of my system in a few days, Major.
You see, there's no secret to my methods.
The record of my success is an open book.
Coffee, Major.
Thank you, Sergeant.
You have been with Colonel Klink quite a while.
Oh, I'm like a son to him.
He raised me from a private.
That's nice.
I have great respect for the colonel-- in fact, for all the officers down to the rank of captain.
As you can see, I am trying to learn the methods of this man you respect so much, Sergeant.
You could do worse, Major.
You may be able to interpret some ledger entries.
Oh Thank you.
I see here Ah.
for transportation of prisoners to Hammelburg for church services.
Is that customary? It's funny.
( chuckling ) The commandant has a great sense of humor.
Whenever he borrows money from the camp treasury, he always puts that down.
"Transportation for church services.
" Ooh, that's beautiful.
It is amusing.
He pays the money back, of course.
Yes, sir.
There is no record of that.
Oh, he must have forgotten.
Aw, you know how it is when one is in love.
Sit down, Schultz.
Please, please.
Klink is in love? Ja, with two people-- himself and Sofia.
Who is she? Sofia Lindemann, a local tomato.
Ooh, very ooh-la-la.
Your commandant knows how to live.
Hmm.
Oh, uh, here-- a pound of caviar and a case of champagne to entertain Reichsmarschall Göring.
Did you meet Göring when he was here, Sergeant? Ja.
That was easy.
Really.
Ja.
Reichsmarschall Göring and Fräulein Lindemann are the same person.
( both laughing ) Oh, that is very clever! Oh, the commandant knows how to operate in a war.
( clicks heels ) You have everything you need, Major? More than enough, Schultz, more than enough.
There is the motor pool.
Maintenance on all vehicles is done by the prisoners on a voluntary basis.
That is very unusual.
Yes, and someday, if you work hard, maybe you will get your prisoners to do things like that.
I'll try.
Göring must have been very impressed.
Indeed he was.
Göring? Which Göring? Rather heavyset man who paid you a visit recently.
You entertained him with caviar and champagne.
Oh, that Göring.
Oh, yes, indeed it was a great honor.
You've been in my books.
Burkhalter said I was to have access to everything, remember? I would like to meet Fräulein Lindemann sometime.
Really? Maybe I should invite her for dinner? I will wait until she gives testimony at your court-martial.
Court-martial? Is that necessary? Somebody has to find you guilty of stealing camp funds.
Oh, I only borrowed the money.
I mean, it was a loan.
I intended to pay it back.
Of course.
Tell that to the boys in Stalingrad, unless Burkhalter decides on a firing squad.
Major, must you report this to General Burkhalter? I mean, he has so many things on his mind these days.
Remember the war effort? I am.
You have pushed me around, made me look like dirt in front of him and now, the monocle is on the other eye, Commandant! You're just not a nice person.
I say we ought to send the lot of them out through the emergency tunnel.
Right.
Let the underground handle it.
Yeah, maybe they can hide out in groups of twos and threes.
The underground doesn't have enough safe houses.
Impossible.
Colonel, I'm running out of food.
Pretty soon I'll have to give them the same stuff that Klink gives us.
Poisoning people is no way to get rid of them.
We can't just sneak them out of camp.
Gestapo's got a man behind every tree out there.
The underground can't move.
Then we're stuck with that lot indefinitely, then.
No.
What we need is a bold, open plan.
Heck, I'd just march them out of camp like they were going someplace.
That's not bold, it's insulting.
Hey, suppose they were on a cleanup detail outside the wire and just disappeared.
Now you're getting warmer.
Can you arrange it, Colonel? I'll just ask Klink.
NEWKIRK: Will he go for it? How can you refuse to clean up the war? ( knocking at door ) Come in, come in.
Can I see you a minute, Commandant? Yes, take a good look.
You won't see me much longer.
You're leaving us? Let me guess.
You've been transferred to active duty.
Huh.
Very active-- either Stalingrad or falling in front of a firing squad.
That's active enough for anybody.
What happened? Why should I tell you? You're one of my enemies.
What else have you got? Oh, I suppose it doesn't matter anymore anyway.
Major Strauss went through the books.
I have been borrowing from the camp treasury.
Well, if you got a choice, take the firing squad, sir.
It's quicker.
I had every intention of paying it back.
But you never quite made it, right? No, I never quite made it.
Fräulein Lindemann? You know how it is.
Yeah, I used to know how it is.
And now Major Strauss reports to General Burkhalter and that's that.
Why must I be so attractive to women? Why? It's one of the great mysteries of our time.
My last official act could be to send you to the cooler.
You do that and I won't be able to help you.
I got an idea.
Hmm.
Unless you're willing to shoot Major Strauss in the back, I'm not interested.
There was a mass breakout from Stalag 5 a few weeks ago-- seven prisoners, I believe.
How do you know about that? We had a few transfers from Stalag 5 and they talked.
Now suppose, just suppose that I could arrange for you to recapture those seven guys.
You could arrange that? How? Are you going to ask questions or start packing your long woolen underwear? I'm listening, I'm listening.
All right.
You recapture the prisoners, you turn them over to the major on the condition that he forget all about your hanky-panky with Fräulein Lindemann.
The major becomes a hero to Burkhalter and you go on dancing your way into the heart of the Third Reich.
Can you do that? Make the deal with the major.
All right, all right.
But, Hogan, why would you go through all that trouble, huh? I'm doing it for my men.
They've developed a fond affection for you, sir.
Oh, well I mean, when you walk by with your riding crop and your monocle, they say, "There goes Klink.
He's embarrassing, but he's ours.
" I'm not sure, Hogan, but I think I should be offended.
Work on it.
KINCHLOE: He's shaking hands, Colonel.
Hey, Klink's headed this way.
All right, fellows, break it up.
I saw you talking to the major.
Yes, he might be interested, but first he wants to know where the seven prisoners are and how this recapture is to be arranged.
I also saw you shaking hands with him.
Oh, that was just a gesture.
Don't get cozy with me, Commandant, you're halfway to the Russian Front.
All right, it's a deal.
I get his prisoners back and he forgets that I borrowed from the camp treasury.
Now, Hogan, when is all of this going to happen, hmm? One of these nights, real soon.
I don't think I like the sound of that.
Would you rather hear sleigh bells coming toward you? Eight Kraut uniforms, Colonel? Including one for a Luftwaffe captain.
Kinch, we'll need a truck big enough for 15 men.
Just sitting in the motor pool, waiting.
He's pretty cute, doesn't even bother jumping the wires anymore.
All right, Kinch, I want you to hide the truck just off the road here.
LeBeau, I want you to lead the men to it.
Oui, Colonel.
Understood.
Carter, Newkirk, you'll be in charge of the first seven guys.
Get them through the emergency tunnel into the gate.
Got it? Right.
I'm with you all the way, sir.
Good, Carter.
You don't know how secure that makes me feel.
HOGAN: All right, now, when we're ready, you flyers will go out first.
Corporal LeBeau will be in command.
Obey orders, messieurs, and everything will be okay.
Anybody speak German? Jawohl, Herr Hogan.
Ich spreche und verstehe Deutsch.
Wow, like a native.
Good, I want to talk to you later.
Yes, sir.
All right, one other important detail before we start.
To spring all of you, you men from Stalag 5 have got to be recaptured temporarily.
What? Recaptured? What's the idea? After all this time? What are the chances, Colonel? Well, maybe I'll admit there is a risk; I'm not going to try to kid you.
Anything this important, I say we ought to vote on it.
Vote? I'm not asking you to elect me to Congress.
I'm just trying to get you home.
From here on, no talking.
No cigarettes.
Follow me, single file, let's go.
All right, heads up, guys.
We're moving.
PRISONER: We surrender! Comrade! Comrade, we surrender! Don't shoot.
Don't shoot, we surrender.
Dummkopf! Do I have to think of everything? Let them in! Rein, rein mit euch.
PRISONERS: Don't shoot, don't shoot.
Come on, come on, come on.
Herr Kommandant! Herr Kommandant, the prisoners-- I captured them! Well, Major, you will be a hero.
You kept your part of the bargain, I'll keep mine.
How did you recapture them, Colonel? Where were they? Don't get cozy with me, Major.
One false move and you could be hearing sleigh bells coming towards you.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
( in German accent ): Where will I find Major Strauss? Here he is.
Herr Major, I am Captain Schmidt, Stalag 5.
General Burkhalter's compliments, sir.
I have orders to return these men to Stalag 5.
They are the escaped prisoners.
Take them away.
STRAUSS: Just a minute.
How did General Burkhalter know these men would be here? They have only surrendered in the last half hour.
Uh, the general, uh, received an anonymous phone call, sir.
He was informed the prisoners would be found here.
Nicely done, Colonel.
You did mention me to the general.
Oh, yes, of course I mentioned your name.
SCHMIDT: With your permission, Herr Major.
Achtung! Get them in the truck.
Schnell.
HOGAN: Bon voyage.
Herr Major, General Burkhalter will be pleased you have recaptured the prisoners.
I will report to him That will not be necessary.
I will do my own reporting.
I am going back to the stalag with you.
But, uh, we have 15 men, sir.
There's hardly room for I recaptured these men! I will return them to Stalag 5! Captain, why don't you take the major with you all the way.
Why don't you stay out of this all the way.
Major, if you please.
Wiedersehen.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
( truck engine starts ) Good riddance.
Now I wonder if he'll keep his word or report my bookkeeping to the general.
I have a feeling you won't hear from Major Strauss again.
I hope you're right.
How did you arrange it? Sorry, classified information.
Hogan, you saved my life.
I could have been executed or sent to the Russian Front.
Six of one, half a dozen Why did you do it? Well, it's simple.
I want us to win the war.
Well, I don't And I figure with you alive and fighting, we have a much better chance.
( knocking at door ) Come in, come in.
Oh, Hogan, what is it? What do you want? I heard corks popping clear across the compound, sir.
Oh, this is Fräulein Sofia Lindemann, Colonel Hogan, senior POW officer.
Fräulein.
Colonel.
As long as you're here, have some champagne, Hogan.
Don't mind if I do, sir.
Make yourself at home, Hogan.
Thank you.
Heard from Major Strauss? Not him, General Burkhalter called me.
Developments? Major Strauss has disappeared with his seven prisoners and the escort sent by General Burkhalter.
Ah, that is a development.
He has obviously deserted.
Hogan, you told me I would never hear from him again and you were right.
Have some caviar? Yeah, Colonel, I'll get around to it.
( two gunshots in distance ) Hmm? Now what is it? Sounds like the natives again, sir.
SCHULTZ: Herr Kommandant! ( gunshot ) Herr Kommandant! Yes, yes, Schultz, I'm coming, I'm coming! ( alarm bell ringing ) I'm sorry, my dear, I'll be right back.
When the boys create a diversion, they don't fool around.
He'll be gone at least two hours.
Fräulein, you have beautiful eyes.
Anyone ever told you that? Yes-- Colonel Klink.
Well, in that case, I'll tell you about your lips.