In Living Color (1990) s05e21 Episode Script

Hi.
I'm Loomis Simmons.
Ladies.
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are the only breasts your man holds Kentucky fried? Does he think a "G" spot is a $10 bill? Well, I can make you the love bucket of his dreams.
.
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when you let me make him jealous.
The plan is simple.
We go to your place, get butt naked.
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and do the nasty on your front lawn.
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in full view of the neighbors.
You can even take Polaroids, if you want.
The Loomis Method has been endorsed.
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by leading scientists all over the world.
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even Albert Einstein.
Let's listen.
The Loomis Method works "indubitally.
" Thank you, Albert.
Now, how often will we have this freaky-deaky sex? As often as possible.
Just listen to another Loomis success story.
Before Loomis, my husband never paid any attention to me.
Now we're together all the time.
[Coughs.]
Who are you talkin' to? Who are you talkin' to? I was telling the people how Loomis helps me all the time.
You just get in the house.
Get! Damn you, Loomis! Damn you! Damn you! You just get the hell out of here, Loomis.
- Thanks, Loomis.
I really.
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.
- Just get in the house.
Just get.
Loomis, you bastard.
So what are you waiting for? Call today.
The number is, uh, 555-3747.
That's, uh, 555-3747.
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and that spells, uh.
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.
[Babbles.]
Remember, the secret to a happy marriage is Loomis.
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when you let me make him jealous.
- [Laughing.]
- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya.
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How would ya.
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How would ya f.
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How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat [Echoing.]
And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - [Turntable Scratching.]
- In living color [Laughing.]
[Man.]
Fox Television presents.
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The Best of the 66th Annual Academy Awards.
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with your host, Whoopi Goldberg.
Oh, what a year it's been.
- With Robin Williams.
- Looks like RuPaul with an orthopedic shoe.
Genitalia not included.
Take me, Malibu Ken.
Whoops.
Better get Maaco.
[Laughs.]
- Uh, Irving Thalberg was a man of high ideals.
- That's right.
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High ideals and high heels.
[With Campy Voice.]
Yes, this spring Irving will be stepping out.
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in his pink taffeta ensemble that says.
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"Excuse me, garçon.
I'll have the quiche.
" [Hisses.]
[Man.]
With glamorous stars like Rosie Perez.
Hey, [Bleep.]
I didn't pay a close up of a [Bleep.]
rented tux.
I'm a [Bleep.]
Now get a shot of my [Bleep.]
or something.
- [Camera Shutters Clicking.]
- Oh, Rosie.
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.
Oh, great goddess of Puerto Rican knockers.
All hail to the lactating wet nurse from hell.
Get some of this, you stupid [Bleep.]
[Man.]
It's a nightyou'll want to relive again and again.
And now it is my great pleasure to introduce to you.
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a tribute to the history of sound effects editing.
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as interpreted by the Debbie Allen Dancers and the Bill Conti Orch.
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You tell 'em sister.
Damn! [Laughs.]
Hey, Whoopi, I'm white and I'm ready for you.
Who says they can't jump, huh? Whoa.
Man, why don't you just shut up? Why don't you, for once in your life, just shut up? Hey, wait a second.
[Groaning.]
- Shut up.
- Whoa.
Intense pain.
Massive flesh wound.
Auntie Em, Auntie Em.
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.
I'm not in Kansas anymore.
The 66th Annual Academy Awards.
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The most excitingnine hours ever on television.
[Man.]
Okay, very nice.
And.
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.
Oh.
! Good cut.
All right, great.
Butch is obviously very talented.
We're going to be in touch with your agent.
Thanks for coming in today.
You were wonderful.
Really.
Thanks a lot for coming.
Thanks a lot.
Wow.
She sucked.
Whew! Next, please.
Come on in.
Next dog.
That's all right now, Duke.
Now just relax.
You is a born actor.
Excuse me, sir.
This is the casting session for Beethoven's sidekick.
You want to go down the hall to the left for Honey, I Ran Over the Dog.
See you don't want him to be here.
You want him to play a pimp or a thief'cause he's a black dog.
Thing about it is, if the dog was light skinned, like Old Yeller.
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you'd give him a respectable part.
But the thing about it, he could even get him.
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an Image Award or something, like Snoop Doggy Dogg.
Sir, I'm sorry.
No.
We're not going to use your dog, okay? - We're not going to.
- Well, I guess I have to tell Spike Lee about it, huh? - Go tell whoever you'd like.
- I guess I'll go to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.
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and get Al Sharpton then.
All right, wait.
Not Al.
Okay, we'll give your dog a chance.
- All right then.
- All right.
Now.
Your situation.
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There's a suitcase of money up in a tree, and Beethoven.
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He got locked in a closet somehow, so Duke has to get the suitcase down.
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before the villains get to it and take it away from the family, okay? - All right.
All right.
- All right.
- And.
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action.
- All right, Duke, remember your lines.
Don't get nervous.
Jump up and get the case, Duke.
You see the case, don't you, Duke? Jump up and get the case, Duke.
- Sir.
Sir.
- There you go, Duke.
Look, sir, here comes the director.
You'll have to talk to him.
Oh, look at that.
Don't I know you from somewhere? Of course you do.
I'm a world-famous director.
I'm in charge of this film.
Well, you're Miss Butterworth's boy, ain't you? - I'll be damned.
- No, I'm not.
I'll never forget.
I knew you was gonna get into film 'cause you loved cameras.
I'll never forget.
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One time you was takin' a picture of a lion.
The lion rushed you, cut you up into, like, FarmerJohn bacon.
Your mama was gonna cook you, but your father recognized your birthmark.
He said, "Don't cook the boy.
" Uh, look, sir, I have no idea what you're talking about.
And anyway, I do not use stuffed animals in my movies.
Well, you know, there's a lot of things that Duke is.
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- and one thing is, he is not stuffed.
- [Sighs.]
He hasn't eaten since 1962.
- Aah! - Sir! Okay, I'm gonna humor you.
The dog in this movie has to be able.
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to revive the wounded woman.
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and get her away from the car before it blows up.
Let's see if your dog can do that.
[Chuckles.]
- Humor me.
- Come on now, Duke.
- There you go, Duke.
- Oh! - Use your tongue, like I taught you, Duke.
- [Spitting.]
This is disgusting.
I quit.
- Uh.
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.
- We need her.
She won an Oscar last year.
Come on back.
Once you go shepherd, you don't go back.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you have Duke sit right about there.
- Right here.
Yeah.
Right here.
- Right there.
Just have him sit there.
We want him to.
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We want.
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.
There you go.
Sit right there, Duke.
Just sit still, boy.
There you go.
There you go.
! Oh.
! Okay, sir, he's dead now,all right? He's dead.
D-E-A-D, dead.
- Dead as Gacy's paperboy, okay? - What do you mean? Duke's career is never dead.
See how he bounces back? Every time he gets hit, he bounces right back.
All right, sir.
Look.
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All right, sir, fine.
But we're not looking for adult dogs.
We're looking for puppies.
We want puppies, okay? Aw, you should have said so, 'cause he got more bitches than Luther Campbell.
Come on round here.
Sir, we.
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We don't want.
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Oh, my God.
There you go.
There you go.
All the litter right there.
There you go.
Hey, y'all stay in line now.
- Security! Leon! Leon! - Boy, y'all some family dogs.
All right, now, y'all gotta jump in the box.
Come on now, Michael,uh, Tito, Jermaine.
Come on now.
Oh, y'all actingtrifling, then, huh? Jump in, one at a time.
Petey.
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This is so impetuous, running off and getting married like this.
Nothin' too good for you, Tracy.
Hey, look.
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They even throw rice at you for an extra five dollars.
Five dollars for rice? Good Lord, that's a lot of money.
How about I give 'em a buck and a quarter.
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and they throw some black-eyed peas? Peter.
But I'm telling you, I still want a honeymoon.
I've always wanted to see the moon over Paris.
Well, how about the sun over Compton? Welcome to the Chapel of Wildwood.
Are you young lovers thinking of getting married? We sure are, Peggy Bundy.
Now how much it cost to get married? Well, that depends.
We have a flat rate of $35.
$35? Good Lord, that's a lot of money.
Well, $25 of that goes for the marriage licences.
All right, check this out.
Check this out.
How about I give you a buck and a quarter, and you give me a learner's permit? I'm sorry, sir.
We can't do that.
Peter, I can't believe you're acting this way.
Don't worry.
It's okay.
I know how nervous people get.
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when they're about to get married.
Now.
We have a variety of ways to preserve the moment forever.
Okay, seeing that you're a thrifty couple.
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you'd probably want the Polaroid pictures.
- Okay, I got one question.
- It's 12.
95.
- Good Lord! How'd you know I was gonna ask you that? - Lucky guess, sir.
Miss, you mentioned you have a variety of ways to record this event.
What other ways do you suggest? Well, yes, we could videotape the service.
That would cost.
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Well, brace yourself, sir.
You ready? How about I give you four dollars and we use a View-Master? All right, let's forget the pictures.
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but you just aren't a bride.
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- without the bouquet.
- [Gasps.]
Oh! Oh, they smell exquisite.
And a steal at 29.
95.
I thought when you stole something it was free.
I'm gonna go get the minister.
You might want to take a look at the wedding cakes.
- See if you want to buy one.
- Okay.
[Gasps.]
Oh! - I like this cake, Petey.
- Good Lord.
Oh, and look at this one.
It has five tiers.
- I don't care if it has two.
- Mmm! Ooh.
Look at this one.
Cognac.
Don't you like Pop Tarts? - [Sighs.]
- Good Lord.
Petey, this is only $10.
How about we give 'em two dollars and get a wedding pancake? No.
Whatever.
We have to get this one because, lookit.
- It has the figurines on it.
- I don't care about no figurines.
Why don't we just get a G.
I.
Joe with a Barbie on it? All right, let's begin the ceremony.
[Organ Playing"Here Comes The Bride".]
[Clears Throat.]
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today.
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in the countenance of the great almighty Lord.
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Excuse me.
- Which ceremony did they pay for? - Oh, the no-frills ceremony.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Tag her and bag her.
Now you listen here, Boss Hogg from The Dukes of Hazard.
- A ring.
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How much it cost for a ring? - 65 bucks.
$65? Good Lord.
Petey, don't you think I'm worth a diamond ring? You mean a band of gold with a d-d-diamond on it? Check this out.
How about I give somebody 42 cents.
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and we'll get you a Cheerio with a raisin on it? - Good idea.
- All right, check this out.
Check this out.
How about I give you a Life-Saver.
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and you suck it till it fits your finger? I've never been so offended in my life.
- Good-bye.
- Come on, girl.
Cheaper car insurance.
Come on back now.
We, uh.
.
.
We got hookers.
Come on, Barry.
The train's leaving.
Barry.
Get.
.
.
Barry, hurry up.
Oh, you're walking so good.
- You're such a big boy.
- I've been walking for 20 years, Mom.
Has it been that long? It seems like yesterday.
- [Indistinct.]
- [Groans.]
I told you to hold on to something, Mr.
Big Shot, Mr.
Daredevil.
Now I've dropped my CD.
You don't need your CD's.
That's just noise.
That's not music.
You wanna go deaf? Is that what you want? Yes! So I won't have to listen to you.
Hey! Is this a snake? What's this, a boa constrictor? Could I pet it? No.
It's an "embryo-a" constrictor.
- Could I pet it anyway? - You dumb asp.
Go sit down.
It's his umbilical cord.
You never seen one before? It's the source of life.
- You can kiss my raggedy behind, lady.
- You see what I mean? This is what happens if you stray too far from the uterus.
- Don't talk to my jailer like that.
- Go sit.
Go sit.
Go sit.
All right.
Oh, my God.
- That's disgusting.
- Oh.
! - Sorry.
- Oh, let him go.
He doesn't understand.
- Besides, you and I can be closer this way.
- Yeah.
How's your stomach doing? Are you hungry? - Mm, yeah.
- Yes, you're looking very thin.
Let's have a little nosh, okay? Mmm.
Pastrami.
My favorite.
How come I never get to chew, Ma? What? And ruin those gorgeous teeth I spent thousands of dollars on? Never.
Hi there, handsome.
Is that your umbilical cord, or are you just happy to see me? Both, really.
What's your name? - Tanya.
- Ooh.
Hello.
You wanna have sex? [Humming.]
Gee, I don't know.
Would it be all right if my mom's in the room? Well, that'll cost you a little bit extra, but.
.
.
[Laughs.]
- [Belches.]
- Oh.
- Ma! - What? I have.
.
.
I have some gas.
Oh! Get away my son Barry, you cheap trollop.
What are you doing? You wanna go get us both syphilis? What's on your lip? I can't believe you'd sit next to someone like that.
I think she liked me.
Yes, and for $50 she'd like your Uncle Morrie too.
You just don't want me to be happy, Mom.
I want you to be happy.
Forget it.
Oh, Rabbi.
Oh, baby.
Oh! Oh! Get away from here, you cheap cur.
Get away from me, you filthy dog.
That's disgusting, Ma.
I hate this thing.
Well, this is the thing that gives you life.
- I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
- I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
- I hate it.
I hate it.
- I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Get out of here.
- I hate you, Ma.
- Well, I love you.
Yeah? Oh.
Sorry.
Barry, I'm warning you.
If you don't come back in here the doors are gonna close.
- You're gonna be by yourself.
- I'm not coming back, Ma.
- All right, be a big man.
- I'm gonna be my own man.
- Learn your lesson.
- I'm gonna be self-reliant.
- Okay.
- Independent.
All right.
You have a big thing coming out of your stomach.
Don't forget that.
Bye-bye, Barry.
Yes.
You see? You're all alone now.
Is that what you wanted? - You got what you wanted, young man.
- Ma! Maybe if you're good and you give your mother a little respect.
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.
I'll let you in at Grand Central.
Doggy? Doug, is everything coming out in there okay? [Toilet Flushes.]
You know, Peggy.
.
.
I think I put too much jalepeños on my pancakes this morning.
These hemorrhoids are killing me.
Well, Doug, you won't have them for long.
That laser's over They'll just burn those babies right off.
- Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.
- Oh, Peggy, stop.
- You're scaring me.
- [Laughs.]
Oh, Doug.
Don't be such a tight ass.
All right, now here, honey.
Let's just get up here.
- All right, Peggy, let me.
.
.
- Let me strap you in.
Let me just get up here on my own.
- Okay, now, careful.
Careful.
- Ow! - [Groans.]
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm all right, Peggy.
- All right.
[Groans.]
You know, it's good to see you again.
Nice to see you too, Doug.
- I didn't think I'd see you so soon.
- Oh, well.
Oh, while you're back there, could you loosen those straps for me? - Are you all right with that? - Oh, sure.
Whoa.
! These babies are about to blow.
- Peggy.
- Aw.
Now don't be so sensitive, okay? Now I'm gonna go and see if they're ready for you in Surgery, all right? - Oh, Doug, one more thing.
- Yeah? - Buzz, buzz! - Oh! Peggy, stop it.
You are such a card.
- [Chuckles.]
- These dividers are needed in room 714.
Uh, guys? Uh, excuse me.
I'm not done with that.
- Uh, Peggy.
- [Bell Dings.]
Oh, my God.
I didn't know hemorrhoids could get that big.
Hemorrhoids? I thought he was giving birth.
Now, excuse me.
That was not called for.
You people are professionals.
.
.
Nurse Ratched.
Peggy! Peggy.
[Bell Dings.]
[Speaking Japanese.]
[Shutter Clicking.]
Excuse me.
Ex.
.
.
This is not a Kodak moment.
Please! Peggy-san? Peggy-san.
Help.
Arigato.
Okay, Mr.
Furguson's vital signs are finally stabilizing.
- Let's get him over to I.
C.
U.
- [Laughing.]
[Choking.]
Oh, great.
We've lost him.
Are you happy now? Your Tater Tot-lookin' [Blip.]
Killed a man.
Peggy! Peggy! Ow.
Ow! Are you trying to take my temperature? - Bang, bang! - Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo! Aw, come on, kids.
Come on now.
Hey.
This is not a playground.
This is a hospital! Stop it! Come on, kids.
Time out.
Are you all right with that? Boys! Oh! Stay away from that man's hemorrhoids.
They might be contagious.
That is not true.
Peggy! - Peggy! - Doug, Doug.
They're ready for you in Surgery.
It's about time.
Some kid just put an arrow in my butt.
And before that a Japanese gentleman took a picture of it.
.
.
- and I think I killed a fat white man, Peggy.
- [Gasps.]
A fat white man? - Yes.
I'm not all right with this.
Damn it! - All right, mister.
Just because you have hemorrhoids doesn't mean you have to be rude.
- Peggy, I'm sorry.
Peggy! - No! Peggy.
! - [Peggy.]
Hi, guys.
- Someone unstrap me, please.
Oh, my God.
Peggy! I'm not all right with this.
Can I get over? Can I? - Oh, my God.
- [Gunshots.]
Someone shot at me! - [Horn Honking.]
- Is that a train? Hey! That's not a tunnel back there.
Peggy.
Peggy! [Blubbering.]
[Horn Honks.]
Yeah, let's give it up for Ruthless Records recording artist Eazy E.
.
.
performing "Real Compton City G's.
" You know it.
Do the ladies run this house? - [Hip-hop.]
- Oh, yeah.
Compton C-P-T style tonight.
We gonna do something like this.
Yo, E.
[Rapping.]
[Continues.]
- All the ladies, make some noise.
- [Crowd Roars.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Make some noise.
- Yo, Dre.
- Yo, Drester.
[Ends.]