M*A*S*H (MASH) s05e21 Episode Script

# Nobody knows the trouble I've seen # I know.
# Somebody knows the trouble I've seen # This thing has knocked out more guys than Joe Louis.
The winner and still champion [Klinger.]
Captain, may I be excused from this detail? - My nylons are baggin' all around the knees.
- Get bigger knees.
Corporal, you're gonna have to do better than this.
I want this floor clean enough to eat off.
- Easy.
It's already cleaner than the tables in the Mess.
- Keep scrubbing! - Ah, what a festive mood people get in at a G.
I.
Party.
- Oh, shut up.
[Frank.]
Major Houlihan, I hope you and your nurses are doing a good job.
- We can hold up our end.
Why don't you go and hold up yours? - [Frank.]
Very well.
When you finish checking that machine, check it again.
- Frank, how long are you gonna be here? - Ten minutes.
Wake me when he's gone.
[Inhaling Deeply.]
- Those aren't even connected.
- Told you this was a "tankless"job.
You crazy guy! Frank, go make yourself useful.
- I'm a supervisor.
I don't have to be useful.
- Well, you're doing a great job.
Oh, go stuff a goose.
- Put a little elbow grease into that, Corporal! - I'm all out of elbow grease.
- Don't talk back to me! - Yes, sir! - You did that on purpose, you Lebanese lout! - Hold it.
What's goin' on here? I saw the whole thing.
Frank tried to eat Klinger's mop.
- Burns, I put you in charge of this detail.
- Doin' a great job, Colonel.
- He's already washed his face and his shirt.
- At the same time.
- Why is it taking so long? - Nobody's following orders, and they're all grumpy.
- Not true.
I'm Grumpy.
- He's Sneezy.
- He's Bashful.
- She's Dopey.
- Wash your mouth.
Okay.
Just get it done.
Let's all try to get along.
- # Get along, little doggie # - I had a long little doggie once.
- It was a dachshund.
- Oh, a little hot dog.
What happened to him? - He got mustered out.
- I relish these conversations.
- Will you knock off the silliness? - Knock yourself off, goofball.
I was invited to the Goof Ball, but I didn't have a thing to wear.
- Colonel, they're making me sick.
- [Potter.]
Me too.
- Please.
I just mopped the floor! - And look at it! It's filthy! That's right.
Criticize my work.
I mop my heart out, and that's all the thanks I get? - Don't talk back to me! I'm an officer! - But you're no gentleman.
- Oh, can it, nurses! Check the surgical packs.
- [Able.]
Checking, checking.
- [Bigelow.]
Checking packs like crazy.
- [Margaret.]
Put a lid on it! - It's been this way all day, sir.
No discipline.
- Okay, okay.
- Let's all try to work together, make the best of it.
- [All.]
Okay.
Here we go.
- [Potter.]
I'm getting out of here.
- You heard the colonel.
Have fun! Yeah.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
Hiya, Father! - Any luck, Father? - We have a winner here.
I found the mail.
- [Potter.]
Bingo.
You're a genius.
- Not really.
Mail's just in time.
Everybody's chewing each other up.
Oh, heavens! I have another surprise.
- Don't tell me.
You got Mildred in one of your bags.
- No, Colonel.
It's that movie you requested, your favorite Western.
Hot damn! Things are lookin' up.
Never mind what I told you before! Forget the instrument packs and clean these shelves.
- They're filthy.
There's dirt all over them.
- All right.
- Come on, now.
Step on it! - Frank, if you say "step on it" one more time, I'll step on you.
- Well, then, move it, then! Move it! - Shut up, Frank! Nurses, will you pipe down? I can't hear myself yell.
Mind your own business, Captain.
I'll handle this.
You're messing up my floor! Will you quit walking on my clean floor? Attention, all personnel.
Colonel Potter would like to address the personnel personally.
- There you go, sir.
Just keep your finger on that button.
- Thank you, Corporal.
[Clears Throat.]
This is good news.
I know you've been working your butts off excuse me and you're all as itchy as a dog at a flea circus.
[Chortles.]
First of all, there's mail.
- [All Cheering.]
- Yea! What's mail? That oughta cheer you up.
And after supper in the Mess Tent, I've got a treat for everybody something you're all gonna love to see.
- Gypsy Rose Lee! - Doing a fan dance.
It's my kind of entertainment, my all-time favorite movie.
I'm saving the title till show time, after chow in the Mess Tent.
So bye-bye and buy bonds.
- I shouldn't have said that.
- [Radar.]
Take your finger off the button.
- [Potter.]
What? - [Radar.]
They can hear what you're saying.
Maybe I'd better handle this.
[Clears Throat.]
Colonel Potter is now finished with his message to the 4077.
- See, sir, if you don't take your finger off - I know.
I just forgot.
- Hey, Beej, you got a pen? - Why? Somebody mail you a pig? - I need something to write with.
- Here.
Try this.
But I think it's out of ink.
- Very cute.
Hey, Frank, lend me your pen.
- No, thank you, pal.
- What do you mean, no? - N-O, no.
- Why not? - You'll ruin it.
The point's used to the way I write.
- It's used to stupid? - Oh, stuff it in your Valpak.
- Hey, Hawk, guess what Peg sent me.
- A pony? No.
A Dutch apple crumb pie.
It's delicious.
Try some.
- Mmm-mmm.
This is really crummy.
- Yeah, I know.
- I mean, it's awful.
- What? You gotta be kidding.
Would a dying man kid? [Simulates Retching.]
Geez.
Frank, let me have some of that shoe polish.
- [Frank.]
What for? - I want to get this rotten taste out of my mouth.
- You have no taste.
- I did before I had that pie.
- All right.
I'll eat it all myself.
- I'll be one of your pallbearers.
[Mock Laughing.]
Just don't bury me in that shirt you brought me from Seoul.
You're knocking my gift? I picked that shirt out myself.
- No wonder it's irregular.
- What do you mean? I mean one sleeve is longer than the other.
- No, no, no, no, no.
That's not true.
- [Grunts.]
- Wear it yourself.
- I will.
I'm gonna put on this lovely shirt and go visit the nurses in it.
- There.
- [Laughs Hysterically.]
Perfect.
Nothing wrong with this shirt.
Creep.
- [Able.]
Who is it? - Quasimodo.
- [Laughing.]
What do you want? - I'm here to ring your bells.
- Come in.
- Ladies.
- [All.]
Hi.
- On behalf of the officers and gentlemen of the 4077 th and myself, I invite you to dinner and a movie in what is accurately called the Mess Tent.
- Please R.
S.
V.
P.
In this ear.
- No.
- This ear does not accept no for an answer.
- Well, I'm sorry.
- That's the only answer this mouth has.
- Where are you going? We've been invited to dinner at "l" Corps.
Wine, tablecloths, silverware.
- Pilots.
- What does a pilot have that I haven't got? - A plane.
- Why settle for a plane when you can have a fancy? We're tired of this place, and we're tired of the same people.
We wanna see somebody fresh.
- I've always been fresh with you.
- Not tonight.
- What if I got on my hands and knees? - No.
- What if I got on your hands and knees? - Not a chance.
Well, I'm not gonna ask again.
A man has to have some dignity.
- [Knocking.]
- Yes? - It's me.
Frank.
- Oh, what do you want? I'm busy.
- I wanted to talk to you.
- Oh, all right.
- Well, I was wondering - Frank, you can come in.
- I can? - Yes.
- Really? - Oh, will you get in here? Place looks just the same.
You know, you look lovely in this light.
The war's been very kind to you, Margaret.
- Is that it? - No! I want you to sit with me at the movie tonight.
Just as a friend.
- Just as a friend, I accept.
- You see? Even though you're engaged, we can still be civil to each other.
- You're right.
- And after the movie, I can walk you back here.
- That'd be nice.
- If it isn't too late, we can play war games like we used to.
- Frank.
- It was such fun, Margaret! You'd hide under the covers and pretend it was a tent, and I'd be a bomb and drop on you.
Frank, you bombed out! You lost! And Donald Penobscott won.
[High-Pitched Laugh.]
Penobscott.
What a stupid name.
And you're gonna be Margaret Penobscott.
"I'd like you to meet the Penobscotts.
"Donald Penobscott.
Margaret Penobscott.
And all the little Penobscotts Huey, Dewey and Louie Penobscott.
" - Frank? - Huh? I'm gonna count to three, and if you're still here, I'm gonna snap off your epaulets.
- Put it away.
You know how I hate that.
- One.
- You're bluffing.
- Three! You skipped two! The tension is so thick in here, you could cut it with a knife.
- Not with this one.
- It's so quiet.
Nobody's talking.
Perhaps the entertainment tonight will improve everyone's disposition.
- What is the movie tonight, Father? - That's privileged information.
I don't want to spoil Colonel Potter's surprise.
It'd better be good.
This crowd is ready to beat up Shirley Temple.
Hold it, soldier.
Let me check that tray.
- You didn't finish your peas! - They're hard as a rock, sir.
- They hurt my tooth.
- You're wasting food! Just look at that tray! - I can't, sir.
It makes me woozy.
- You didn't finish your meat.
The meat's all fat.
It Oh, no.
That's the potatoes.
Don't you realize there are people starving in Poland? - Here.
You can send 'em this.
- What's the problem now, Burns? - Well, sir, I'm the garbage officer.
- We all know that.
And there's been a tremendous waste of food, especially rutabaga, lima beans and liver.
- Is that a surprise to you? - What if the enemy got ahold of this? We'd win the war.
Tell you what, Burns.
If there's any food left you think is edible, you eat it.
Here you go, sir.
May I have your attention, please.
I know you've been working hard all week, and you've got a case of the cranks.
I'm confident tonight's entertainment will make new men out of ya except for you women.
This movie's a classic.
It's got the three things that make a movie great horses, cowboys and horses.
You might've guessed it's a Western.
It's called now, hold onto your hats My Darling Clementine.
- Oh! - See? You feel better already.
Gee whiz.
That's terrific.
I haven't seen a good movie in ages.
Oh, Frank, don't be childish.
It's only a movie.
Oh, boy, oh, boy! A movie! I'm so excited I could plotz! - # Oh, my darlin'# - [Audience Cheering.]
- # Oh, my darlin' # - [Cheering Continues.]
# Oh, my darlin' Clementine # #You are lost and gone forever # - # Dreadful sorry, Clementine # - [Audience Chattering.]
- # In a cavern, in a canyon # - [All Hooting.]
- [Man.]
Look at all that space! - [Potter.]
Yeah.
- [Klinger.]
There's Ward Bond.
- [Hawkeye.]
That's Margaret's whip! [Whooping.]
- [B.
J.
.]
Who's that? - [Hawkeye.]
Alan Mowbray.
- [Potter.]
No.
- Hey, there's Alan Mowbray! - [B.
J.
.]
And who's that ridin'him? - [Potter.]
There you go.
- [Hawkeye.]
Hey! Henry Fonda! - [Applause.]
[All Oohing, Ahhing.]
It's Walter Brennan.
- [Potter.]
Oh, yeah.
- My name's Clanton.
This is my boy, Ike, my oldest boy.
Hey, is Sweetwater up beyond? Yeah, two, three miles straight up the trail.
[All Groaning, Shouting, Indistinct.]
- I'm ruinin' my nails! - [Inaudible Dialogue.]
- This film is full of splices.
It's not my fault.
- [All Complaining.]
- This film is full of splices.
It's not my fault.
- [All Complaining.]
Hold on, now.
Don't leave.
You're gonna miss a swell movie.
Tell you what.
We'll fill in the time.
Let's all sing a community sing.
- [All Groaning.]
- We'll have the film fixed in a jiffy.
- [All Groaning.]
- We'll have the film fixed in a jiffy.
- Come on.
It's fun! It's also an order.
- [Scattered Groans.]
- [Hawkeye.]
Well, in that case - How 'bout the "Tennessee Waltz"? - Okay.
- Okay? - # I was waltzing # - [Hawkeye.]
Lower, lower, lower.
- Too high? - [All.]
# I was waltzing # #With my darlin' to the Tennessee Waltz # #When an old friend I happened to see # # Introduced him to my true love # #And while they were dancing # # My friend stole my sweetheart from me # #I remember the night ## Father Mulcahy, you should've taken up the harmonica.
Yes, you're right.
Colonel Potter's tryin' to keep the party going till the film's fixed.
- Have fun.
- Sounds like they're having it.
- I got it.
Here we go! Lights! - [Cheering, Applause.]
Good evenin', Mr.
Clanton.
Good evenin'.
Fellow with a trail herd, remember? Oh, sure.
I remember you.
You was right.
I didn't get very far with 'em.
They was rustled this evenin'.
That so? Well, that's too bad.
Guess you'll be heading for California, huh? Oh, I figured on sticking around a while.
Got myself a job.
- Cowpunchin'? - Marshaling.
Marshaling? In Tombstone? [Gravelly Laugh.]
Well, good luck to you, Mr Earp.
Wyatt Earp.
- [Hawkeye.]
Klinger, you moron! - [All Complaining.]
I blew the bulb.
It's not my fault.
Who do I look like, Thomas Edison? - No.
You look like Mrs.
Edison.
- [Excited Chattering.]
- Got a good bulb here someplace.
- [B.
J.
.]
Well, find it! - Got an idea.
Not a bad earring.
- [All Complaining.]
- Got an idea.
Not a bad earring.
- [All Complaining.]
Hit it, Father.
- ## [Piano.]
- #A chaplain in the army has a collar on his neck # # If you don't listen to him you'll all wind up in heck # # Oh, I don't want no more of army life # # Gee, Mom I wanna go home # # Oh, the surgeons in the army they say we're mighty bright # #We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night # #I don't want no more of army life # # Gee, Mom I wanna go home # # Friendships in the army they say are mighty rare # # So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare # - [All Laughing, Whistling.]
- # I don't want no more of army life # - Hey, hey! - # Gee, Mom I wanna go home # #The surgeons in the army their brains they are profound # # But we'll take chopper pilots they'll get you off the ground # # Oh, I don't want no more of army life # # Gee, Mom I wanna go home # #The corporals in the army you say we're really green # # But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine # # Oh, I don't want no more of army life # # Gee, Mom I wanna go home # # Oh, some guys like the army I think that it's a mess # # If it's so damned terrific how come I wear a dress # - [Hawkeye.]
Fix the projector! - [All Catcalling.]
# Gee, Mom, I wanna go home # # Some nurses in the army they haven't tied the knot # # But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott # - [All Cheering.]
- # I don't want no more of army life # # Gee, Mom, I wanna go but they won't let me go # # Gee, Mom I wanna go home ## [All Cheering.]
- I've got it! - [All.]
Yea! [Wyatt Earp Talking, Indistinct.]
- There's probably 50 - [Man.]
Hey, there's no sound.
[All Complaining.]
[Hawkeye.]
Don't blame Klinger.
It's an army projector.
- [B.
J.
.]
It's supposed to break down every five minutes.
- [Hawkeye.]
Like peace talks.
[Klinger.]
It's no use.
I can't get the sound.
Lights.
- [All Groaning.]
- How 'bout some more entertainment? I know somebody who does great movie star imitations.
- No, no! - [All Applauding.]
Okay.
Um Okay, see if you can guess who this is.
- [Clears Throat.]
- [Hawkeye.]
Radar's back.
Now, leave 'im alone.
Show 'em, kid.
[John Wayne Inflections.]
Well, it looks like you've got some people around here pretty mad at you, son, but I'm not gonna hit ya.
I'm not gonna hit ya.
Like hell I'm not.
[All Laughing, Applauding.]
- Barbara Bel Geddes! - The Mills Brothers! Wrong.
It's John Wayne.
- John Wayne.
- Who's John Wayne? - [Jack Benny Inflection.]
Now, cut that out! - Okay, Mr.
Benny! Rochester, now, how many times have I told ya ya see, never to interrupt me when I'm doin' the show? Oh, Don.
Oh, Mary.
Oh, Dennis.
- Now, that's the Mills Brothers! - Debra Paget.
- Now, Mr.
Benny? - Sing, Dennis! # OI' Hawkeye and ol' B.
J.
They think they're pretty smart # # I'd like to take a scalpel and stab 'em in the heart # Boy, this is fun.
# Oh, I don't want no more of army life # [Off-Key, Trailing Off.]
# Gee, Mom I wanna go home # The number in New Jersey is Klondike 54433.
And now, for the moment no one has been waiting for - the Father Mulcahy soundalike contest! - [All Cheering, Whistling.]
[Father Mulcahy.]
You'll need that, Hawkeye.
[High, Soft Voice.]
My word, Hawkeye.
This jocularity is most unseemly.
- [All Hooting.]
- You try.
- Me? - Ooh, how can you make jokes at a time like this? Ooh.
- [All Cheering.]
The post-op is collapsing, and the O.
R.
's on fire.
And somebody has broken into the sacramental wine.
Oh, I'm sorry, Father.
[Clears Throat.]
It seems that Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepatitis.
It is the most remarkable shade of yellow.
[Laughter, Applause.]
[Voice Cracking.]
Jocularity! Jocularity! Let me just say this about all these impersonations.
[All Pooh-Poohing.]
Now that is definitely the Mills Brothers.
[Cheering Continues.]
[Character In Movie.]
Hold it.
Jack, get him back.
Make room for our new marshal.
And lady fair.
## [Fiddle.]
Uh, I have a car here for four nurses for "l" Corps.
I'll see your car and raise you Henry Fonda and Ward Bond.
- [Able.]
Thank you, driver.
We're staying.
- What'll I tell Gen.
Armistead? Tell him we're watching a movie with more stars than he has on his shoulders.
- What's the picture? - My Darling Clementine.
Oh, that's a good one.
I just got a flat tire.
- ##[Fiddle.]
- [Man Whooping.]
Swing your partner! Yippee! Well, by gosh.
- [All Groaning.]
- Ladies and gentlemen, we have someone with us tonight who may not want anyone to know she's here, the toast of two continents and the Pink Pagoda.
- I don't know if we can prevail upon her - Oh, sit down.
- Hit it, Father.
- Hit what? - Anything.
- ## [Piano.]
#When love comes in and takes you for a spin # # Ooh, la, la, la # - # C'est magnifique # - Let's get it movin' fast.
#When every night your lover holds you tight # - # Ooh, la, la, la # - [Speaking French, Indistinct.]
# C'est magnifique # # But when, one day your lover drifts away # - # Ooh, la, la, la It's so tragique # - [All Chattering.]
#When once more she whispers Je t'adore # - # C'est magnifique ## - [Shouting, Chattering Continue.]
## [Holds Note.]
[Cheering.]
[Klinger Talking, Indistinct.]
Here they come.
Doc Holliday's with 'em.
[Man Impersonating Cowboy.]
Uh-oh.
This don't look good.
There's gonna be a shoot-out.
Wait'll they get closer, ya fools.
- Phin, cover your brother.
- [Gun Cocks.]
[Gunfire.]
[Rapid Hoofbeats Approaching.]
[B.
J.
.]
Look out, Doc! Look out! [Gasps.]
- [B.
J.
.]
He's behind ya! Look out! - [Hawkeye Yells.]
- [Horse Whinnies On Screen.]
- [Audience Commenting, Playacting, Indistinct.]
[All Yelling.]
[Wyatt Earp.]
Throw your gun down and come on out, old man.
Hey, we got wounded out here! [Clanton.]
My boys Ike, Sam, Phin, Billy! - [Wyatt Earp.]
They're dead.
- We got wounded in here too.
- [Man.]
Wounded! We got wounded! - Wounded? [Chattering.]
# In a cavern In a canyon # Scalpel.
# Excavating for a mine # # Lived a miner forty-niner # #And his daughter Clementine # [All Singing.]
# Oh, my darlin', Oh, my darlin' # # Oh, my darling Clementine # #You are lost and gone forever # # Dreadful sorry Clementine ##